Hi mamas! There are about 500 of us in the Intro thread alone, so where are you hiding? The regular posters are getting to know each other pretty well, which is super fun. However, we’ve been noticing that our board is kind of slow (especially Saturday-Monday) and not very ‘spicy’. Please feel free to add your voices and make this even more of an inclusive community. We’d love to hear from YOU!
I read every post, minus the question one because my app sucks and makes me find my spot everytime. I think the difference between me and the “regulars” are I’m not really here to get to know people. I am here to read what other women’s symptoms, ideas, feelings, opinions, etc are. Mainly about what they are going through with pregnancy, parenting and life at the same stage I am in pregnancy. This board is clicky and inclusive, not inviting, all in all the interactions between the “regulars” seem fake and at service level. That isn’t me being judgy, some women like that sort of interaction, it’s just not for me. I will continue to “lurk”. I think that is a funny name for people who simply want to read the forum. If I have anything to add that hasn’t been said numerous times by the “regulars” I’ll add it.
@mountainmama3r Thanks for your response & sharing your perspective. I’m sure a lot of people share your sentiments; we are all here for different purposes. Personally, I’m grateful for this new life growing but I don’t like pregnancy *at all* so groups like this help me pass the time a lot more pleasantly. I look forward to reading when you want to chime in. I also edited the post slightly so hopefully it reads in the welcoming way that I meant it.
PS: No offense or snark intended with the term “lurker”. It’s the cardinal rule of these boards to lurk before jumping in—which I did before trepidatiously joining this group—so I just used that common term.
PPS: The app was so glitchy that I finally followed a tip posted by @lovesclimbing & accessed the site through a browser on my phone. Problems solved. You may want to try it b/c the Question thread can be pretty interesting & informative.
Oh, not being judgy at all (eyeroll). I also come here to read other people’s experiences, and personally tend to prefer to lurk as it takes much less effort, but I realize if everyone did that, there wouldn’t be much to read at all. I really appreciate the women who post regularly as it keeps the flow going, as well as the “irregulars” (is that what we’ll call the rest of us? lol) that pop in and out and fill in when/where they can. I don’t mind lurkers either, this is a public forum afterall. But please, spare me the hypocrisy of enjoying the fruit of the regulars’ labor while also looking down on them for being “fake, clicky (sic), inclusive, uninviting”.
@keikilove I had this same thought yesterday when I saw the intros thread had so many posts! I think some of that # is chit chat but we definitely seem to have a smallish pool of active members and a large group of passive observers. Come out, come out wherever you are!
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
I don't mind lurkers now while we're on a public forum, but eventually I'll want to know the people in this group on a deeper level, and that can't really happen when I'm worried about my pictures being stolen and misused, or somene with mal intent piecing together my identity based on things I've posted over the years, so once we move to a smaller group, whether on FB or a private bump group the regulars and the people we've gotten to know better will be the ones allowed access to that. So if you enjoy reading everything the regulars are posting and want to be included in the smaller, more private group then jump in a little more even just to show a little support (support works better as a two way street).
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
@mountainmama3r I toooootally get it, and despite my being a regular, i actually feel many of the same sentiments you do in regards to the tone of the group. If the people who post are posting consistently, keeping up with the threads, and generally being civil..... why would anyone look to make it more 'spicy'? To me, that's code for 'i wish there was more drama in here' - frankly, if it got any more catty than it sometimes can be, I'd be out real quick! We're good on the spice. Let's stick to supporting each other through our journeys, sharing our symptoms, and keeping in touch afterwords if we so wish. And if you're only here to read... by all means! This is a public space and everyone who is in this group has consciously chosen to be. Doesn't bother me and never will. Just my two cents.
@mountainmama3r I agree with @indigoheightsblog. I am here for the community and support, which to me means being engaged in the conversations, but if you get what you need from passively reading our posts, that's ok too. I think the longer people wait to jump in, the harder it can be to feel like part of the group, like moving to a new high school and trying to break into already well established friend circles. We have all been bonding for months now over shared very personal information. I'm sorry if that comes across as clicky and uninviting. You're welcome to continue to lurk or to join in where you'd like.
I think that this post is meant to be an invitation to all the lurkers to maybe re-introduce themselves and start getting involved. We're almost all at the halfway point in our pregnancies and like @mayoduck said, it will only get tighter knit from here. If you want to see it as cliquey and uninviting then fine. But if this is the invitation you need to come out of the shadows and join us and get to know the ladies here (and more importantly if you've lurked and know us, for us to get to know you) then we welcome you with open arms.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
@indigoheightsblog@mayoduck I absolutely agree with no need for cattiness or drama in a place of support, so to clarify: personally, I mean the word 'spicy' as "spice it up", add some interesting topics, new opinions, etc. (Some people use it as "let's get some drama going in here" but I'm not into that.) For example, I posted the 'SEX poll' and said it was "an attempt to spice it up". To your point @mountainmama3r, I think some people use it to mean "please share your different stance" and don't just be lock-step with the group think or group responses. (I tend to have some pretty strong opinions that aren't always the norm, and so far haven't gotten shut down--but I also have a pretty thick skin. See the early question thread about vaccinations, circumcision )
Also just my opinion: if I see a poster's name twice, I tend to go, "Oh, I remember her!" and naturally tend to think of that person as an active member because I recognized their name. That's all I meant by "regulars". I hope to see more posts and comments from those who may be hesitant to join in, because it takes a lot of us to keep this going and interesting; others are definitely free to just read along. Everyone's welcome.
@mountainmama3r You say you’re not being judgy, but I definitely don’t see it that way. You are forming judgments without even attempting to actively participate.
With said said, I understand that sometimes there is a certain tone to the group that may seem uninviting. I think it’s important to realize that not everyone here is like that though and just like real life, people have different personalities. There are plenty of active members who are inclusive and genuinely here to help and support others.
I also want to mention that this board will eventually be much less active because usually it gets moved to a private group. Personally, I had just as many questions and sought advice, support, or just others’ experiences on a range of issues after my son was born. Being part of the private Facebook group was so helpful during those first few weeks/months because everyone is going through the exact same thing. This is also where genuine friendships were formed and relationships were deepened. It’s hard to get past a surface level in a public forum with hundreds of people.
I recommend participating if you think the private group would be beneficial to you later on.
I personally love this post! As a regular in the IF / PAIF forum I always heard people complain that the the Birth Month Club weren't inviting esp because many thought a lot of here had no trouble with pregnancy and couldn't relate. I had trouble, but I love being apart of this group! I tell a the girls in the IF / PAIF groups a lot that they need to join and it's not what they have cooked up in their heads or have been told! I find this Birth Month Club very inviting. Sure, there's a group that has known each other for awhile, but that doesn't bother me at all as I have this same group on other threads and "get it". I feel you get what you put into it and no one is going to reach out and be supportive if they don't know you and you never try to chat. As @keikilove just said...as soon as I see someone's name a couple of times it clicks and I start remembering them and it becomes easier to chat when you start seeing familiar names and esp when we find things we can relate to within one another
TTC #1 since April 2015 June 2016 - CP 2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's IVF w/ PGS - January 2018 FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN ERA Cycle May / June 2018 ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change) FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410 U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166 Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19 EDD March 28, 2019 Baby Girl born 3/26/19
@mountainmama3r and @indigoheightsblog I’m going to throw my 2 cents in, but I think that maybe you are confusing “cliquey” with personalities that are just not a great fit for you personally if you were looking for a friendship. The great thing about a forum like this, however, is that we all have pregnancy and parenthood in common. We have this tendency in real life to only surround ourselves with people who approach things the same way that we do. There might be somebody on here that I’m never going to be BFFs with, but they might also be a great mom with tons of experience and somebody that I can learn from and maybe help support. And sometimes friendships can grow when you get outside your comfort zone. By all means, read only if you find it beneficial.... However, if your motivation is to sit and think what horrible people are here rather than glean what positives you can, I’d really rather you “lurk” elsewhere.
@mamaoftwomonkeys - i'm not sure there is anyone in this group that i know well enough to decide whether or not they'd be my real-life-friend. this is an internet chat room and people need to stop taking it so seriously. i'm not looking for friendships, and i don't think @mountainmama3r is either..... so i'm not exactly sure where that's coming from.
i come to @mountainmama3r's defense because sometimes it seems regulars in this group (and probably other groups but i don't have the time to 'lurk' in those because i could care less) are actively looking to stir up drama to add a little "excitement" to their days. i appreciate @keikilove clarifying what she meant by 'spicy' (see above) - and that example is crystal clear proof that when typing to people who don't know your tone personally, it's only courteous to be very clear.
the last thing i'll say is that the group likely slows down on weekends because people have lives and they aren't glued to this chatroom 24/7. if you guys wanted newbies to come out of the woodworks and introduce themselves.... you've let this thread get to a place where they most likely will not. extremely counterproductive.
newbies who have been 'lurking' - my inbox is always open and once again hopefully you have not been scared off by all the back-and-forth!
@indigoheightsblog I think that's where you're wrong. Maybe I don't currently, but I WANT the ladies I get to know here to be as close as real life friends. I've been able to tell the ladies in my other bmb things I haven't told my best friends. I've met one with plans to meet others in real life. People can yell into the void about symptoms and which diapers they like on many different platforms, but this is a rare community where we get to share more of ourselves than whether or not our kid is pooping the right color. I want to be comfortable venting about my husband, or find support after a long hard day. And that only comes with real interaction. You don't need to know someone in real life to have a real connection.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
@indigoheightsblog The thing is, you can’t interact with people (digitally, true!) for months and months and pretend that you haven’t formed a superficial connection at least. I reread what @keikilove wrote several times and found it to be warm and welcoming. If people decide they don’t want to take that invitation then of course they don’t have to. The point of the post was to say that anybody that wants to participate more is welcome, because we see that a ton of people could participate if they want. I don’t have to pretend though that I don’t find it condescending when somebody tries to extend a welcome and it is rudely answered.
And, @indigoheightsblog, to be blunt, if I was a newbie why would I inbox message you if you’ve been quite clear that you have zero interest in making connections?
@mamaoftwomonkeys i have plenty of interest in making connections. online. i’m also ALWAYS open to real life friends, but i will never expect that out of an internet chat room. so once again, newbies are more than welcome to inbox me or public message me. it’s a part of my livelihood to connect with people on a digital level and many of those connections have become “in real life” too! but if someone isn’t actively participating in here, clearly they don’t want to. so why push the issue? it’s a public forum first and foremost. let’s not get offended by any internet strangers that don’t have the same desire to be friends.
I live for making digital connections! How sad that someone would think otherwise. I’ll connect with anyone on here. I just may not show up to your Friendsgiving. I hope that’s clear and that I remain an open invitation for new and regular posters on this forum.
No one is pushing anyone to join if they don't want to. Lurking is just part of the platform here. But we won't always be here. Eventually we plan to migrate. I think the main purpose of this thread (before it immediately went sideways) was to offer an opportunity for people that might not have felt comfortable joining in yet to have an entry point into the community so that we can get to know some more of the hundreds of people that have intro-ed and include them when we go private. Not to bitch about the regulars and why would anyone want to join. If people feel that way then they are invited to stay lurkers. But if someone was looking for a way to join but hadn't yet found the right opportunity, this was meant to be it.
And we should totally do a Friendsgiving one day!
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
I don't want to step on toes, but the point of this post is to invite people in. That way, when we create the big move to FB or private bmb, we don't have a bunch of random " lurkers" come out of the woodwork to join that then get upset because they aren't a regular.
Thank you for the post @keikilove! I think it's a great way to re-open the door for people to jump in when they want to!
On my previous BMB, I was a lurker during my pregnancy. I'm pretty reserved, especially in a group setting, because I don't want to add to the "noise" just for the sake of saying something. As a FTM with an uncomplicated pregnancy, I had neither advice nor questions to contribute. However, once DS was born, I had tons of questions! About breastfeeding, sleep schedules, etc. That's when I started posting, but I didn't know people well enough to make the cut when they migrated to a private group.
This time around, I feel like I actually have advice and insight to contribute, so I'm much more active. Not only that, but I know from experience the value of having a support system of women whose babies are all the same age as yours! So please feel free to get involved, even if it's just on the weekly check-in thread for your due date week or posting a selfie for Hump Day Bump Day
“Make the cut” - is exactly the type of language that ticks off people who aren’t super active on here. I now understand the intention behind @keikilove’s post. However - we need to be conscious of wording if we’re “inviting” people into our group. Personally, I’m a regular so this doesn’t affect me.... but don’t you all think it would be a tad more welcoming if the title of this thread had been “CALLING ALL NEWBIES!” and perhaps said something to the effect of “we’re pretty much halfway through our pregnancies! As we get farther along there are bound to be many more questions, concerns & vent sessions. Before we migrate to a smaller, more private group - we want to get to know everyone who’s introduced themselves! This is your halfway point reminder to jump in on the dialogue so that we can include you in the future happenings of March 2019 moms!” ..... they say the same thing and in my humble opinion one seems much more inviting than the other.
There will likely be many groups that March 19 splinters into. Some people will want to go to fb, others won't be ready until after babies are born, others may get "left behind" and choose to make their own group. Those groups may divide. We have no idea how these hypothetical groups are going to work or what the stipulations for joining will be. But I don't think it's ever been a secret that the 500 of us won't always be this active on this particular public forum.
So sure, call it a cattle call before the migration instead of a welcome party and wordsmith it however you want but the intent is the same. I feel like we're arguing semantics now.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
*shrug* I am truly baffled how this post went down such a mean girls rabbit hole. I have also reread the OP a few times and maybe the phrasing could have been different, but to me it just sounds like a plea for the less active members to become active, and I think she was trying to be funny about it, not invite controversy.
It seems like everyone could benefit from giving others the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming people are *trying* to be cliquey or gatekeepers of the future closed group (which by the way, is an important & good thing and I am dependent and grateful for those who will eventually take on that task!).
If the same X people are talking to each other every day for almost 20 weeks it might seem cliquey to a non participant but I just think everyone active is talking to everyone else that’s active...
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
My experience my first BMB was like @lindseyb918 's. I was a FTM, had no idea what the heck I was doing, couldn't really contribute, but enjoyed reading everyone's commentary. I slowly began to participate when the June 16 drama happened. Being in July 16, it was fairly close to home, and I felt I was coming out of the woodwork at a time no-one trusted anyone. Now I didn't take it personally because I knew I hadn't done anything, but everyone's hackles were raised and for good reason. I just continued to lay low and love-tit a lot, haha.
That's why I wanted to participate more actively this time around. I would like to move on with the group because I know I missed out on a lot of extra help, benefits, and ideas last go around. For example, my pumping game sucks. I was doing nothing correctly, and, by the time I figured it out and tried to fix it, it was too late. This time, I almost plan on annoying everyone to death with pumping questions.
@keikilove thanks for the advice on getting the app to work better.
@navete your response is ridiculous , (eye roll) ? Who talks like that
@meggyme this may surprise you but I doubt anybody really cares who you are, there are plenty of pictures that can be stolen on the internet and I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I have zero plan to migrate, I don’t have facebook. Thank you for your permission to continue to lurk.
@mamaoftwomonkeys your post is funny. I’ll continue to Lurk and respond when I please.
I want to respond individually to everybody but I have to get back to work. Then I have a life after work so I probably won’t have time.
@keikilove thanks for the advice on getting the app to work better.
@navete your response is ridiculous , (eye roll) ? Who talks like that
@meggyme this may surprise you but I doubt anybody really cares who you are, there are plenty of pictures that can be stolen on the internet and I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I have zero plan to migrate, I don’t have facebook. Thank you for your permission to continue to lurk.
@mamaoftwomonkeys your post is funny. I’ll continue to Lurk and respond when I please.
I want to respond individually to everybody but I have to get back to work. Then I have a life after work so I probably won’t have time.
Ill keep up the lurking though!!
QFP
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
I wouldn’t consider myself a regular by any means. I try to remember to jump in my weekly board and occasionally other posts. I find it really hard to truly get to know people on a public forum and I forget to access the app on a daily basis. I know eventually this will move to a more intimate setting and that’s when I think the group becomes a lot closer. I’m still close to people in my Facebook group from my first pregnancy.
I think it’s a lot easier for people just to lurk and read about the experiences of others. I’m personally not a fan of having single threads for various topics (like the question one) so I have a hard time keeping up with questions and responses.
Hopefully people that would like to develop friendships as we go through this journey together can and will jump in at some point!
I would love if more people would pop in. I guess i would be considered a regular since i do make a point to check everyday. maybe that makes me lame , but i work a desk job so i have 8 hours to fill besides working HA. i do check on weekends sometimes as well, but i don't like mobile as well as the desktop. my family is not so preggo-centric like i am, so its nice to have people to talk to. However...it took me a while as a newbie to start remembering usernames, but i will admit it makes it nice to respond to people and build up a rapport. Even if people only respond occasionally its nice to have everyone post. I will admit i was a little nervous to start responding because a year ago i got SNATCHED by posting a one off, but, everyone, to me, has been completely welcoming and once i got used to the board organization i understand the occasional snark. Either way...i hope the lurkers or newbies or whatever we want to call ourselves/each other do post more...it would be nice to have more voices on the board...and i personally look forward to when we branch off. i get a lot of enjoyment personally "knowing" and growing with people i was pregnant with in 2009 (my old BMB).
@Runninggal28 I find the question thread difficult to follow too and if there are any topics in there I'd like to revisit, it's hard to find it again. So I much prefer specific topic threads to the Questions one but I totally understand that it cleans up a lot of questions that are too specific to an individual.
@mountainmama3r I know you are so busy with your super full life and it will take you ages to read this, but it might surprise you that we are not begging you specifically to stop lurking and chime in. You have three handfuls of posts and all of the memorable ones have been extremely rude and/or condescending (IMO). Evidently you feel strongly about continuing to lurk so I don’t understand why you insist on stirring the pot while we are tying to encourage others to let their voices be heard. Just scroll on!
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
@mountainmama3r Was that heartless response to @meggyme really necessary? Maybe in true lurker fashion you should have kept your thoughts to yourself. Also, (eye roll) and the like is pretty standard internet-speak. As a lurker you should know that.
@indigoheightsblog yeah, that "making the cut" verbiage may have been some underlying hard feelings coming through for my prior BMB. When they transitioned to FB, they required that at least two other group members vouched for you to confirm you were a real and active participant from the BMB. I don't blame them for not knowing who I was or for wanting to make sure no randoms joined their Facebook group, but the rejection still stung a little!
As an "irregular" (I like that terminology haha) and primarily lurker, I wanted to add some positive vibes to this post. I don't contribute a lot because 1.) I am a FTM so can't really provide a lot of insight and 2.) I struggle to share personal details even with those close to me.
That being said, I have learned so much by reading all of your posts and interactions and it has made me so much more comfortable throughout my pregnancy. I think the regulars on this board are very supportive and while there is sometimes a "cliquey" vibe to this site, especially when you first start "lurking" or if someone asks a one-off question, I overall find everyone helpful and kind. Appreciate the reaching out, as it's sometimes hard for people to join in the discussion late as you can feel like an intruder.
Wow. This post has been a bit of an eye opener for me. My main takeaway from this is that I think we should switch over to a private bump group asap. It honestly didn't occur to me that there may be lurkers here reading everything we're saying and judging us for it. I'll admit I was a lurker on this site during my first pregnancy, but that was because, like some previous posters, I was a FTM and didn't feel I had much to contribute. I vowed to be more involved this time around and have preferred this experience, interacting with others, to my previous lurking experience. However even when I was lurking I was NOT sitting in an ivory tower judging everyone who posted and dismissing them all as cliquey - and it makes me uncomfortable to think that that's happening now. Women on here, including myself, have commiserated about and shared personal experiences relating to infertility, miscarriage, later pregnancy loss, scary pregnancy symptoms such as cramping and bleeding, etc - if there's even a chance that there are more rude, judgey lurkers out there like the one that has posted here I say we make this bump group private so that we aren't sharing such personal details with people like that.
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
Soooo..... (dipping my toe in cautiously). I guess I'm considered a lurker? Hi.
Reading some of the responses here made me so sad. No, not all lurkers are sitting back judging your responses. Not me, at least. I don't want anyone to feel that way. So I guess that's why I'm posting right now.
If you really want to understand why lurkers lurk, I'm just one example, but I'm just really overwhelmed with all the new things going on in my life. Seriously, my evening tonight has been consumed with figuring out what the heck my insurance actually covers and understanding my short term disability plan. (Yes, I know you're all dealing with that stuff too. I guess I'm just not managing it as well.)
I think I read somewhere on this board that a few of you think the board is slow -- it seems very fast to me! My computer at work is monitored for "non-work related activity" and I only have a few hours of downtime in the evening, so sometimes I'm just skimming. Then, replying about the things that others have covered well already, just to chime in, seems unnecessary.
At the same time, as a first time mom I don't have that much advice to give. Plus, I assumed people didn't really want to hear about my insignificant day-to-day stuff. I was thinking I could contribute when I had something worthwhile to ask or respond to, otherwise I feel like I'm just adding useless noise (my own anxiety issue, not saying that's what anyone is doing.)
I've really appreciated reading these boards when I'm able, and didn't realize that eventually everyone would go away into their smaller private groups and I clearly wont be making "the cut" ... that stinks! I mean, reading this thread, I get why you plan to do it, but it's clearly something I'll be left out of. Unless I start posting just to post, and that's not really my style.
@mamakate1616 me standing up for what you call a one off or whatever Was not rude or condescending. This is a public forum for March 2019 mamas. I don’t judge anything that is said in here, I participate when I have something to add that hasn’t already been added. If I had an extra hour a day to dedicate to something or like a desk job I could stare at my phone regularly, I still probably wouldn’t dedicate time to getting to know strangers on the internet. Sorry if I offended you. I am having to take extra time to write this post while my boyfriend baths my son. I’m not mad about that though. Maybe I should go hide in a different room every night at bath time and have him do it!!
@Lbloom I have only been on a group like this during this pregnancy and my prior pregnancy. So no (eye roll), (shrugs), (dip toe lightly) is all new verbiage to me. I think it’s silly. It’s like using emojis to convey your feelings instead of just simply writing them out. Maybe I’m old school. Words are powerful.
Ok hiiii, I am also a lurker and was nodding my head a lot just now reading the comment above from @heytherefriend. I am definitely not judging your responses and really appreciate having a place to come every now and then to de-wind and know that I am not alone in what I've been experiencing this pregnancy. I would love to be more involved, I just don't really know how sometimes.
I have two kids, a full time job and sick parents. Things are just "busy"...I hate that word by the way I lurk because I really only have a few minutes at night that I sit on the couch and pop around my phone... And I bounce from Facebook to email and pop in here every now and then. I totally think things move fast and have a hard time keeping up.
So once I fall behind it's kind of awkward to figure out where to jump in. I don't want to say something that someone has already covered.. which I know is mostly my own anxiety issue. So I guess what I'm saying is that I will use this post as a nudge to start participating more, which I think was the original intention here.
Re: To All the Lurkers :)
PS: No offense or snark intended with the term “lurker”. It’s the cardinal rule of these boards to lurk before jumping in—which I did before trepidatiously joining this group—so I just used that common term.
PPS: The app was so glitchy that I finally followed a tip posted by @lovesclimbing & accessed the site through a browser on my phone. Problems solved. You may want to try it b/c the Question thread can be pretty interesting & informative.
Come out, come out wherever you are!
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
Also just my opinion: if I see a poster's name twice, I tend to go, "Oh, I remember her!" and naturally tend to think of that person as an active member because I recognized their name. That's all I meant by "regulars". I hope to see more posts and comments from those who may be hesitant to join in, because it takes a lot of us to keep this going and interesting; others are definitely free to just read along. Everyone's welcome.
You say you’re not being judgy, but I definitely don’t see it that way. You are forming judgments without even attempting to actively participate.
With said said, I understand that sometimes there is a certain tone to the group that may seem uninviting. I think it’s important to realize that not everyone here is like that though and just like real life, people have different personalities. There are plenty of active members who are inclusive and genuinely here to help and support others.
I also want to mention that this board will eventually be much less active because usually it gets moved to a private group. Personally, I had just as many questions and sought advice, support, or just others’ experiences on a range of issues after my son was born. Being part of the private Facebook group was so helpful during those first few weeks/months because everyone is going through the exact same thing. This is also where genuine friendships were formed and relationships were deepened. It’s hard to get past a surface level in a public forum with hundreds of people.
I recommend participating if you think the private group would be beneficial to you later on.
June 2016 - CP
2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's
IVF w/ PGS - January 2018
FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN
ERA Cycle May / June 2018
ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change)
FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410
U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166
Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19
EDD March 28, 2019
Baby Girl born 3/26/19
i come to @mountainmama3r's defense because sometimes it seems regulars in this group (and probably other groups but i don't have the time to 'lurk' in those because i could care less) are actively looking to stir up drama to add a little "excitement" to their days. i appreciate @keikilove clarifying what she meant by 'spicy' (see above) - and that example is crystal clear proof that when typing to people who don't know your tone personally, it's only courteous to be very clear.
the last thing i'll say is that the group likely slows down on weekends because people have lives and they aren't glued to this chatroom 24/7. if you guys wanted newbies to come out of the woodworks and introduce themselves.... you've let this thread get to a place where they most likely will not. extremely counterproductive.
newbies who have been 'lurking' - my inbox is always open and once again hopefully you have not been scared off by all the back-and-forth!
I live for making digital connections! How sad that someone would think otherwise. I’ll connect with anyone on here. I just may not show up to your Friendsgiving. I hope that’s clear and that I remain an open invitation for new and regular posters on this forum.
And we should totally do a Friendsgiving one day!
On my previous BMB, I was a lurker during my pregnancy. I'm pretty reserved, especially in a group setting, because I don't want to add to the "noise" just for the sake of saying something. As a FTM with an uncomplicated pregnancy, I had neither advice nor questions to contribute. However, once DS was born, I had tons of questions! About breastfeeding, sleep schedules, etc. That's when I started posting, but I didn't know people well enough to make the cut when they migrated to a private group.
This time around, I feel like I actually have advice and insight to contribute, so I'm much more active. Not only that, but I know from experience the value of having a support system of women whose babies are all the same age as yours! So please feel free to get involved, even if it's just on the weekly check-in thread for your due date week or posting a selfie for Hump Day Bump Day
So sure, call it a cattle call before the migration instead of a welcome party and wordsmith it however you want but the intent is the same. I feel like we're arguing semantics now.
It seems like everyone could benefit from giving others the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming people are *trying* to be cliquey or gatekeepers of the future closed group (which by the way, is an important & good thing and I am dependent and grateful for those who will eventually take on that task!).
If the same X people are talking to each other every day for almost 20 weeks it might seem cliquey to a non participant but I just think everyone active is talking to everyone else that’s active...
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
That's why I wanted to participate more actively this time around. I would like to move on with the group because I know I missed out on a lot of extra help, benefits, and ideas last go around. For example, my pumping game sucks. I was doing nothing correctly, and, by the time I figured it out and tried to fix it, it was too late. This time, I almost plan on annoying everyone to death with pumping questions.
@navete your response is ridiculous , (eye roll) ? Who talks like that
@meggyme this may surprise you but I doubt anybody really cares who you are, there are plenty of pictures that can be stolen on the internet and I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I have zero plan to migrate, I don’t have facebook. Thank you for your permission to continue to lurk.
@mamaoftwomonkeys your post is funny. I’ll continue to Lurk and respond when I please.
I want to respond individually to everybody but I have to get back to work. Then I have a life after work so I probably won’t have time.
Ill keep up the lurking though!!
I think it’s a lot easier for people just to lurk and read about the experiences of others. I’m personally not a fan of having single threads for various topics (like the question one) so I have a hard time keeping up with questions and responses.
Hopefully people that would like to develop friendships as we go through this journey together can and will jump in at some point!
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
That being said, I have learned so much by reading all of your posts and interactions and it has made me so much more comfortable throughout my pregnancy. I think the regulars on this board are very supportive and while there is sometimes a "cliquey" vibe to this site, especially when you first start "lurking" or if someone asks a one-off question, I overall find everyone helpful and kind. Appreciate the reaching out, as it's sometimes hard for people to join in the discussion late as you can feel like an intruder.
However even when I was lurking I was NOT sitting in an ivory tower judging everyone who posted and dismissing them all as cliquey - and it makes me uncomfortable to think that that's happening now. Women on here, including myself, have commiserated about and shared personal experiences relating to infertility, miscarriage, later pregnancy loss, scary pregnancy symptoms such as cramping and bleeding, etc - if there's even a chance that there are more rude, judgey lurkers out there like the one that has posted here I say we make this bump group private so that we aren't sharing such personal details with people like that.
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
Reading some of the responses here made me so sad. No, not all lurkers are sitting back judging your responses. Not me, at least. I don't want anyone to feel that way. So I guess that's why I'm posting right now.
If you really want to understand why lurkers lurk, I'm just one example, but I'm just really overwhelmed with all the new things going on in my life. Seriously, my evening tonight has been consumed with figuring out what the heck my insurance actually covers and understanding my short term disability plan. (Yes, I know you're all dealing with that stuff too. I guess I'm just not managing it as well.)
I think I read somewhere on this board that a few of you think the board is slow -- it seems very fast to me! My computer at work is monitored for "non-work related activity" and I only have a few hours of downtime in the evening, so sometimes I'm just skimming. Then, replying about the things that others have covered well already, just to chime in, seems unnecessary.
At the same time, as a first time mom I don't have that much advice to give. Plus, I assumed people didn't really want to hear about my insignificant day-to-day stuff. I was thinking I could contribute when I had something worthwhile to ask or respond to, otherwise I feel like I'm just adding useless noise (my own anxiety issue, not saying that's what anyone is doing.)
I've really appreciated reading these boards when I'm able, and didn't realize that eventually everyone would go away into their smaller private groups and I clearly wont be making "the cut" ... that stinks! I mean, reading this thread, I get why you plan to do it, but it's clearly something I'll be left out of. Unless I start posting just to post, and that's not really my style.
a desk job I could stare at my phone regularly, I still probably wouldn’t dedicate time to getting to know strangers on the internet. Sorry if I offended you. I am having to take extra time to write this post while my boyfriend baths my son. I’m not mad about that though. Maybe I should go hide in a different room every night at bath time and have him do it!!
I have two kids, a full time job and sick parents. Things are just "busy"...I hate that word by the way I lurk because I really only have a few minutes at night that I sit on the couch and pop around my phone... And I bounce from Facebook to email and pop in here every now and then. I totally think things move fast and have a hard time keeping up.
So once I fall behind it's kind of awkward to figure out where to jump in. I don't want to say something that someone has already covered.. which I know is mostly my own anxiety issue. So I guess what I'm saying is that I will use this post as a nudge to start participating more, which I think was the original intention here.