@madreofdragons same here. H stays home during the days and works nights, so he basically works two full time jobs. It's HARD because we're never together, but I wouldn't dream of complaining about it knowing how impossible it is to pay for childcare.
I have gone into cc debt paying my DS's daycare and we are in a panic about what we will do with the next for childcare. Top of the list is move to a burb that had free preschool. Sooo stressful. ETA: It seems notable that we are two professionals with advanced degrees (and student debt to go with it of course), good jobs, and this is a top problem for us. Don't ask me how my single mom did it with three kids because I will never ever know!
free childcare is how I was able to have children, period. I am forever grateful to our parents, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins for all chipping in when they can. We are INCREDIBLY lucky. I sometimes get annoyed with my MIL but at the end of the day she's watching my kid(s) for FREE so I really can't make a huge deal out of it. I just swallow my annoyance lol. How anyone can complain about free childcare is beyond me.
If free childcare was an option, I would in no way complain! I knew what the ballpark cost would be going in to our tours but getting the actual price sheets made those numbers real!
Something people seem to forget is that no one owes them free childcare. Yes, it's their grandchild, niece, nephew, etc, but that doesn't mean they have to be a babysitter too. It makes my skin crawl when someone takes it for granted that someone is doing them a massive favour.
I made a hair cut/balayage appointment during my MOTN insomnia so I’m working from home today. Luckily DS needs a flu shot (which has to be done at the pedi by appointment since he’s not three yet) so I can use that as my excuse rather than getting my hair done
We’ll do the same as you guys @BourbonBiscuits. I don’t think H has realized that he’ll have to do a LOT after I go back to work, and that his day to day life will change dramatically.
Right now he’s basically working two jobs (although one is more of a hobby and totally unpaid), where he goes to work 5pm - 10-11 pm four days a week and then works on the movies he makes until 5-6 am, and then he sleeps during the morning/early afternoon. That won’t work with a kid. He’ll have to start going to bed as soon as he gets home and spend the day with the kid, and basically sacrifice his movie making hobby. It sucks, but unless he finds a day job that pays at least $20k more than his current job, that’s the way it has to be. I earn a good chunk more than he does, so me quitting my job and staying home with kiddo is out of the question.
DS born 2/18/2019 DD born 4/1/2023 Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
@grebretso it's tough, but worth it for us. DS was in daycare for a while, but this was so much smarter for us financially. It helps us to frame it as a temporary thing - we won't have babies forever and when we get them in school he can switch up his hours if he wants. He does go through periods where he searches for day jobs that make what he makes now + the cost of daycare for two, which is fine with me. We're just really intentional about spending time together when we're able and carving out time for each other.
We do the same with making time to spend together @BourbonBiscuits. We’ve lived together for a little over three years, and for the whole time we’ve worked shifts because that’s just how our jobs have worked out. It sucks but we both do well with alone-time too! So that part of our relationship won’t change.
Before living together we were long distance Seattle-Oslo/Glasgow and saw each other 2-3 times a year, so this is actually an improvement.
DS born 2/18/2019 DD born 4/1/2023 Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
Day care cost is one of the reasons I’m a SAHM now. I don’t make enough to justify the cost here for 3 in day care. The other reason is employers here are not family friendly AT ALL. There are days that I miss going to work, but I don’t miss the crap I had to deal with being a working mom in this crap hole of a state.
Free child care is the only reason we are able to even have our second.
This but with our 2nd & 3rd... I'm mostly a SAHM but before I was a mom I was a teacher so I sub here & there in our district. I wouldn't even consider doing that if we had to use a daycare center. My inlaws run an in-home daycare. We do pay them but it's nothing at all what we'd pay anywhere else.
Had my monthly appt today - pee in a cup, check BP, listen to HB (150). But I was EXTRA brave and brought DS (3.5) with me and he was FABULOUS. God bless the Kindle, Dum Dums, and an OB who let him hear baby's HB for an extra long time.
@okayestmom12 so glad he did well!! I love my OB for a million reasons, but definitely the top of that list is how wonderful she is with DS. She lets him sit on her lap and type "notes" into my file the whole time we're talking - apparently all the OBs in the practice do that and they love reading the "notes" from big brother and big sister. It made me feel so relaxed when she let him climb up in her lap.
Day care cost is one of the reasons I’m a SAHM now. I don’t make enough to justify the cost here for 3 in day care. The other reason is employers here are not family friendly AT ALL. There are days that I miss going to work, but I don’t miss the crap I had to deal with being a working mom in this crap hole of a state.
Pretty much same situation here. Childcare costs are insane and there are very few family friendly employers. I tried to work out a flexible work arrangment with my previous job (which is a company policy but apparently never actually approved in practice) and they wouldn’t budge or work with me at all. Bye bye!
@paperseatbeltt I can understand being scared as any unknown can be scary. What is it about giving birth that scares you? It may be helpful to go to a birth class so some of the mystery (and therefore fear) of birth is taken away. Also it helps to remember that giving birth is a natural thing and you will also have experienced medical professionals helping you through the process. It may also be beneficial to hire a doula who can be by your side the entire way including birth.
@paperseatbeltt I was super anxious about giving birth as well with my first (my anxiety disorder went BALLISTIC when I got to about this point because he just kept growing bigger and bigger). The only thing that helped me honestly was to realize that I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to give birth one way or another, so I was able to dive into research. I second @disneybaby84's suggestion of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Some parts were a little too crunchy for my taste, but it absolutely left me feeling empowered and capable.
@paperseatbeltt I get waves of anxiety about it, too. What helps me is to think of the billions of women who have successfully given birth before us, and to remember that our bodies are capable of this. Your body is able to grow this baby, and your body will be able to birth it, too. Plus, we have a lot of technology and knowledge on our side so that complications, if they arise, can be dealt with and worked through. I hope that you stick around here on this board, if you find encouragement here like I have. And I also hope that you have some people around you who can support and encourage you as you near labor, and as you go through labor, and then as you and your baby recover.
As a super anxious person, I just came to terms with the fact that birth is going to happen and my body will know what to do. It’s worked really well for me twice and I’m sure it will this time.
Its really not scary (at least, my experiences haven’t been) - sure, it hurts, but the pain doesn’t last long and once it’s over, it’s over and you get something so amazing out of it.
Definitely understand where you’re coming from @paperseatbeltt, as FTM’s we have no idea what we’re going to! It’s really anxiety inducing, and some people have a harder time than others for sure. I’m not planning on it myself, but like others have mentioned, hiring a doula is probably a good idea for you. Having someone available who has helped several women through birth must be so reassuring!
Do a lot of research, and please stay away from horror stories as much as you can! If you do come across something scary, please remember that those stories are in the minority, the vast, vast majority or births have good outcomes. Please stick around here, staying in touch with other women going through the same is extremely helpful (especially since so many women here have been through it already). We’ll support each other!
DS born 2/18/2019 DD born 4/1/2023 Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
@ohsunnydays born and raised in the burbs. Was in Lincoln Square for a while. Officially back in the burbs as of next week. NW burbs, around the Barrington area.
TW: 1 infant loss 8/17: Our daughter was born 8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass 2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old 4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
I love how supportive you ladies are. I'm scared of even leaving my house. I was just not in good metal health before the pregnancy. I was on all the hard mental meds. I dropped cigarettes and smoking weed. This is the longest I've ever been sober and i just want everything to go perfect. Bc i dropped lithium asap after seeing the test it made me high risk...that doctor basically promised me that if a c section would be less traumatic for me theyd schedule it that day. In that moment i was so early still i was just thinking well give me time to think...after all these months of research i decided i really wanted the c section. So nasically my ob told me Wednesday that he won't do it....i cant afford a doula. I really have no idea what im doing at all. Its notthat i dont want my baby at alllllll. Before this i was really in the darkest place and ive been really great untill i felt like I've been lied to. So now I'm just in bed crying its really hard. I know when i meet her all my darkness will fade but until then I'm horrified...
@paperseatbeltt Wow, that's really crappy that the OB said one thing, then changed their mind and told you something different, especially since they're supposed to be trustworthy. I'm sorry that happened to you. Are you seeing a therapist? That can be really helpful, especially when you're going through so much. One more thing: on this board there's a group of ladies who have a weekly mental health check-in, headed up by @kayjay44. If you're interested, I encourage you to join in on that, since they're all very supportive, too.
Yea i will for sure and im ordering the book y'all suggested asap. My high risk doctor is nice but my ob wasn't. It was the first time ive even met him...i have a HR app on monday so im hoping they can point me to a new ob...even if i cant get the c section. Its more of the way the ob couldnt differ from body problems. Which luckily the babys fine..just my mental problems are way over his brain. Im very glad i have this as an outlet. And i also have a consulor who i very much like and trust but she hasnt texted me back at all and that was Wednesday morning. Lol you guys gave me words faster its literally insane. Love you allll
@paperseatbeltt if your counselor hasn’t responded to you in 2 days then it may be time to consider finding someone else, especially with the feelings you’re having.
@ohsunnydays technically were in Fox River Grove, but I'm sure we will be in Barrington a lot.
TW: 1 infant loss 8/17: Our daughter was born 8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass 2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old 4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
@paperseatbeltt- Thank you so much for sharing more details and I am so so sorry you are feeling that way. It does sound like a bigger picture than the L&D, and that sounds very rough. Are you with someone besides a counselor for treating the mental health stuff, i.e. someone like a psychiatrist who can issue prescriptions? It is my understanding that some such drugs CAN be taken during pregnancy, and it sounds like that would be warranted for you. Do any of the other people in your life- family, friends, partner?- know what darkness you are sitting in? Please please tell at least one of them. It sounds to me like you need to know you have some support going into this.
I hope your high risk doc can help you with all of it, including the delivery outcome you want. Please keep in touch on here and keep us posted. We're rooting for you!
My partner and my mother both know. And idk ive had this counselor for years its very odd she hasnt gotten back with me...monday ill text her and ask if theres something going on with her bc its really not normal. I do have a doctor that had me on zoloft but i really changed so much when i found out about the baby. I had a few bad weeks in july and my counselor talked me out of getting back on meds bc i really only wanna be on one medication rn and only bc i have to. I dont reach out to my partners family much bc idk i really dont want anyone to know how bad my mental health is. Ive managed to hide it for almost 10 years. In 2010 my ex bf shot himself with one of my friends and i, in the room. So that is why well alot of why. My mental is just not good alot of ptsd. Every morning since Wednesday I've woke up panicking...I'm really just relying on you guys and waiting for monday. Oh and my mom isnt great on my mental health either bc shes veryyyy mentally not okay and is on hospice. So yea dealing with alot of factors here...
@paperseatbeltt- That does sound like a really traumatic event and I am glad you are in treatment. Maybe you should text your counselor today? Is she aware that you are in serious crisis? I wish I knew of more resources for you. But one thing I do know is that you can get through this darkest part, and that there is light everywhere, waiting for you when you come out.
Went to Buy Buy Baby to look at a few car seats & strollers. Couldn’t believe the amount of stuff in there. But, emerged alive! Everyone in “real life” told me I would have a panic attack or freak out the first time I went in (based on their own experience). I think the saving grace was that I had read Baby Bargains and made a preliminary list before I went. Ps why are car seats so heavy lol
Re: Weekly randoms 10/1-10/5
ETA: It seems notable that we are two professionals with advanced degrees (and student debt to go with it of course), good jobs, and this is a top problem for us. Don't ask me how my single mom did it with three kids because I will never ever know!
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
Right now he’s basically working two jobs (although one is more of a hobby and totally unpaid), where he goes to work 5pm - 10-11 pm four days a week and then works on the movies he makes until 5-6 am, and then he sleeps during the morning/early afternoon. That won’t work with a kid. He’ll have to start going to bed as soon as he gets home and spend the day with the kid, and basically sacrifice his movie making hobby. It sucks, but unless he finds a day job that pays at least $20k more than his current job, that’s the way it has to be. I earn a good chunk more than he does, so me quitting my job and staying home with kiddo is out of the question.
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
Before living together we were long distance Seattle-Oslo/Glasgow and saw each other 2-3 times a year, so this is actually an improvement.
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
I hope that you stick around here on this board, if you find encouragement here like I have. And I also hope that you have some people around you who can support and encourage you as you near labor, and as you go through labor, and then as you and your baby recover.
Its really not scary (at least, my experiences haven’t been) - sure, it hurts, but the pain doesn’t last long and once it’s over, it’s over and you get something so amazing out of it.
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
Do a lot of research, and please stay away from horror stories as much as you can! If you do come across something scary, please remember that those stories are in the minority, the vast, vast majority or births have good outcomes. Please stick around here, staying in touch with other women going through the same is extremely helpful (especially since so many women here have been through it already). We’ll support each other!
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
1 infant loss
8/17: Our daughter was born
8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass
2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old
4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
Are you seeing a therapist? That can be really helpful, especially when you're going through so much.
One more thing: on this board there's a group of ladies who have a weekly mental health check-in, headed up by @kayjay44. If you're interested, I encourage you to join in on that, since they're all very supportive, too.
1 infant loss
8/17: Our daughter was born
8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass
2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old
4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
I hope your high risk doc can help you with all of it, including the delivery outcome you want. Please keep in touch on here and keep us posted. We're rooting for you!