I am not sure whether there is a thread about this already but I would love to get a discussion going about juggling a newborn and toddler. Sorry in advance if I overlooked it.
STM here and I’m already starting to try to figure out how to handle both. Something I have been thinking about a lot is dealing with the toddler getting the baby sick since we will have a newborn in October. Another thing I have been thinking about is introducing the toddler to the baby. DS is almost 28 months will be ~29 months when baby comes.
DS will be 2 when this lo is born and I have some of the same concerns. We got him a baby doll to play with and to "take care of". So far he loves it so we'll see haha.
There's also some suggestions in the birth class advice thread, I'll try and tag you!
Thanks @nmadjeski! Are you expecting a boy or girl? I’m having another boy so I hope they are BFF but I’ve seen other relatives in the same situation as us deal with some pretty aggressive behavior once the baby comes (also two boys). The baby doll is a good idea. I’ve seen DS play with his cousin’s doll and he likes it one minute and the next he’s slamming it around haha.
My boy will be 3 when baby girl comes in October. I'm nervous, my toddler boy is anything but soft and gentle. He's all rough and tumble and so high energy. This is going to be a struggle, I have anxiety about the fact that he could accidentally hurt her. I'm glad this thread was started, I would love to hear advice from moms who already experienced this.
It's definitely a huge adjustment. I breastfed my second and I really think it saved her. Literally the entire rest of the family got the flu and she didn't. But after she wasn't teeny, she definitely got sick more often. It is what it is. Does your DS go to any sort of preschool or classes? The key to surviving this is keeping DS busy!
You're welcome! @meltonjl I'm expecting a girl. I'm the oldest of four and adored my brother when he came along (i was 4 though by that time). I'm hoping for the same with mine haha
My son is very high energy so that worries me. He isnt in daycare yet either. My SO is going to be going back to work soon so preschool will be in the near ish future so I'm hoping that helps because he needs to stay busy for sure!
@hellopartyof5 yes DS is in “school” full time. We are going to put the baby in the same place after I go back to work, but DS stayed home until he was 14 months so he never got sick until he started.
Baby is due a week before Z’s second birthday. I am terrified. Z is so high energy, some days I can’t handle just him. I don’t know how I’ll deal with two.
DD was 19 months when DS was born and what made the biggest difference for her was to make sure we had time set aside that was JUST for her (this was recommended to us by her therapist through ECI at the time). It didn’t have to be long periods, but like 15 minutes a few times a day where she was the sole focus. During that time, we focused only on her. If she still had 2 minutes left in her time and I was finishing a book but DS started to fuss, we let him fuss until her time was up. It was important for her to know that we wouldn’t drop everything and push her aside for the baby (except in the case of an actual emergency).
We also made her very involved in his care. We’d ask her if she could grab a diaper for her brother, or what onesie or sleeper she wanted him to wear, or if she could help turn on his swing. The more we let her help, the more she felt like he was HER baby too and not just someone to take attention from her. I think saying “your brother” helped too instead of just referring to him as “the baby” or using his name. The two of them are incredibly close now (she tells everyone that he’s her best friend) and I’d like to think that it’s partially because she got off to a great start with him. There was very little jealousy or outrage directed at him.
We plan to do the same things this time around (DD will be 4.5, DS will be almost 3) to help make it easier for both of them.
Re: getting sick...DS was born 10/29 so definitely cold/flu season. DD had a cold and strep off and on for the majority of the first 6-ish months of DS’s life (she was in MDO part time), and DS only got sick once. That March right after he turned 4 months old he ended up with RSV but we were able to handle it with no problems at home with a nebulizer.
As far as introducing them, my advice is to make sure that you’re not holding the baby when your older one walks into the room at the hospital (or wherever you're delivering)...have someone else hold the baby or put the baby in the crib and greet your older child first, then introduce the two of them.
Yes please give more advice. I wanna know how im gonna deal with a 12 month old and a newborn. I might induce the day of his first bday so they have the same bday but I dont know yet since ill be 39.6 weeks on his birthday and my SO thinks its a bad idea to share a birthday since they should have their own day. I dont know yet. My son still isnt sleeping through the night, not even close to walking and having problems taking anything but purees so were still learning. I'm so worried about giving equal attention since DS1 wont understand. We are all in this together ladies.
A friend has a small trick: when her toddler wants or needs something she looks at the baby and says “baby please hang on, your brother/sister needs me”. Basically make it seem like the toddler is the priority.
A was 2 years 9 months when E was born. We kept him in daycare to help with keeping him on his routine as well as give me a chance to bond with E. We’re doing the same thing this time around, except maybe cutting them down to 3 days a week while I’m on maternity to save on money. When it came to going to the bathroom (or any thing where I’d have to leave the room), I’d leave E in a safe spot (usually her bouncer) and have A go with me since he was the mobile one.
When they met, I was holding E when he came in. He was so excited to meet his sister and I just made sure to hug him and give him lots of love. I may change it this time since E is much younger and doesn’t really understand what’s happening.
Jealousy is to be expected. He doesn’t associate how he’s feeling with his sister, which is good, but there’d be times where he’d start acting out more because he just needed me to spend a little more time with him and when I saw it was getting to that point, I’d schedule an outing with just him. I’d let him choose and he just loved having that time. It’ll be similar this time around. I don’t know how E will be but she’s a totally Mommy’s girl as well so we’re going to have to make sure they all get special time, even if it’s just cuddling with them on the couch.
As for keeping the baby from getting sick, E was born in December (cold and flu season, yay!) and A was in daycare during most of that time. He didn’t really get sick, but he did get pink eye right before I went back to work. I made sure to remind him he couldn’t touch his sister since he was sick (which really made him sad) and made sure to wash his sheets every day (something a friend told me she did to help keep the germs from spreading). DH and I both washed our hands a lot as well to help contain it.
A is super high energy and I had to make sure not to leave them alone since he makes crazy, spontaneous decisions. I did that until he had a better understanding of little E is. I’m still really cautious of it, even now, because he doesn’t always know his strength. There was a lot of reminding him how big he is, and how he needed to be gentle. We’d demonstrate gentle and show him how to be nice.
I'm loving the stories of how this works out. I'm not so concerned with introducing them, but with life, as others have mentioned. DS will be 21m when this one comes. And he is crazy energetic! I'm a little nervous about getting able to keep up with two. And how do naps work and such? I'm nervous about the separate schedules.... and being not a zombie.
DS was 2y2w when DD was born, and for all my worrying he really did great. He was (and still is) a huge mommy's boy, so I was freaking out that he wouldn't handle it well. When he came to visit in the hospital to meet DD, I had DD in the bassinet and let him see her and me and get some one on one time with me before bring out DD. He was not thrilled and specifically stated "Put baby back." He really wasn't all that interested in holding her or paying that much attention to her, and that was OK. I wanted him to dictate how the interactions went instead of forcing it on him. It stayed pretty much hands off for him (at his insistence) until the first full day we were home and he finally wanted to hold her. Once he did that, the light just switched on and he was obsessed and in love with her. He figured out he could rock her swing, so he did that a lot, and he loved trying to show her how to play with toys. We asked if he wanted to help with certain things (getting diapers, throwing them out, picking clothing) and praised him when he did nice things on his own (you're such an awesome big brother for doing XYZ!).
We also did the "Just a minute please Bridget, I'm helping/doing X with Aiden right now" when she would get fussy during times I was focusing on Aiden, so he would know he was a priority too and wasn't getting pushed aside. It seemed to really help him feel like he hadn't lost his place. We also tried to keep him on his routine as much as possible (going to daycare, etc.) so he had some stability.
As far as toddlers getting baby sick, there's only so much you can do without keeping them completely separate and effecting their relationship. Aiden puked on my mom the day after Bridget was born, and ended up having pinkeye the first week she was home. Because, you know, newborns aren't stressful enough We just were very vigilant about no face touching, and keeping his face out of hers and it seemed to work out.
DS1 is 6 and DS2 just turned 1. DS1 will be in school most of the day and he handled the transition with DS2 extremely well. He loved being a big brother and really excited about the arrival of the new LO. I'm worried about DS2 because he will only be 14 months is October. I'm going back and forth about whether to leave DS2 in daycare full time or just let him go part time while I'm on maternity leave. DS2 is a stage 5 clinger so I'm not sure how he's going to feel about seeing me with another baby. I think the most important thing will be that I set aside alone time for both DS1 and DS2.
Re: daycare. Ours cost the same whether we three times a week or full time, so I am just going to keep him in full time. To the same point that @mommy2ane made, I am also trying to keep the routine, but I also have concerns about DS not being able to get used to the thought of the baby if he's always in school.
I really like alot of these ideas and I am super glad I started this discussion because I thought I was the only one scared out of my mind about this!
You know what's weird, it never occurred to me to pull Evelyn out of daycare when I'm on leave! Maybe I should? Most of my leave is paid, but not all of it, so maybe it would help, but might be more trouble than it's worth.
Yes, loving all the advice i'm seeing so far! My first son is a very sensitive child and I was holding DS2 when DS1 walked into the hospital. For our family, I think that was a mistake and i'll make sure i'm not holding this child when my boys arrive to meet their littlest brother. I want to make sure they get love and snuggles from mama first before meeting little brother so they don't start off jealous.
DS1 gave me and DS2 the silent treatment when we came home from the hospital. He wouldn't acknowledge me unless absolutely necessary. After awhile he came around and curiosity got the better of him. He'd put the paci in DS2's mouth and "help" as much as he could at 23mo. We read lots of "big brother" stories while I was pregnant and talked about the new baby a lot, so I think that was helpful. This time around we've been talking a LOT with both boys about what it'll be like when baby arrives, what babies can (and CAN'T) eat and play with. Mostly just so they're not trying to feed him solids, lol. "babies only drink milk from mommy", "babies can't play with big boy toys, so we need to make sure to keep them on the table so baby brother can't reach them" , etc.
We're big on routines at our house, so I think keeping the big boys on their normal routine as much as possible with help with the transition. So predictable mealtimes, bedtimes, storytimes, school, etc. We talk to the boys often about how babies cry to communicate since they don't know how to talk yet and how we have to be quiet and GENTLE with baby when he arrives. We ask who's excited to hold and cuddle baby and trying putting a positive spin on the whole thing. We have fairly loud air purifiers in each boy's room that have always doubled as white noise machines, so we're keeping those to help deaden the MOTN baby cries.
As far as getting sick, I personally plan to get the flu shot for myself and both my older boys as well as pass whatever immunity I can through EBF. Even with all that, i'm sure baby will get sick at some point. DS2 got croup as an infant, so we're familiar with using a nebulizer for breathing treatments (think of it as extra enforced cuddle time, lol) and I found my love for the nose frieda so FX we all get through winter mostly unscathed.
I'm also hoping to plan some "date days/nights" with each older boy to go do something with just them when possible, even if its just a trip to get an ice cream cone or ride their bike around the neighborhood, or do a craft project or stay up late and watch a movie at home. Something that is just the two of us spending time together uninterrupted.
DS wasn't too bad when DD was born. There were times when it was really stressful, and times when it wasn't bad at all. Every kid is so different so it's hard to give exact advice. But I would stay, be flexible, try to stay patient, and if you have to give everyone PB&J sandwiches in front of the TV for dinner 3 nights a week to survive, then don't make yourself feel guilty about it.
There are 2 lights at the end of the tunnel that I found out after having 2, though. The first is something I forgot, but I felt so much more like myself a few weeks after birth. Meaning, I had some normal energy levels again, I could drink caffeine, I could move without discomfort. So physically being in a better place made me feel better mentally (it's like when I was pregnant, I forgot that I wouldn't be pregnant once both kids were here if that makes sense).
The second thing is that after a while (for us, it was after DD turned 1 and DS was 3), things got SO MUCH easier. DS was a really energetic toddler and it was just him, so we spent a lot of time playing and engaging and doing things. Once DD was 1-1.5, the two of them started playing together all the time. I'm not saying I don't still engage with my kids, of course, but it is nice that they can play legos together while I am getting dinner ready, kwim?
I’m loving this thread! Going from 1 to 3 has terrified me, but I think DD will handle the transition fairly well. She will be 2 only 2 weeks before the twins are born, but she’s in the loving to help stage where we can really involve her in the twins care. I hope that helps things go smoothly.
I used a sit and stand with my 3 year old niece and 1.5 year old son. It was really big and heavy and not easy to push. It wasn't easy to collapse and throw in a car either. I'm going to sell it in Craigslist and try and find something more light weight for my newbornand 3 year old. I'm looking at a Joovy caboose too ultralight, it fits most car seat brands and has a seat for toddler. It reviews very well and looks like it folds down pretty well.
I borrowed a friend’s sit & stand and I wasn’t a fan. I will say though, most double strollers are pretty cumbersome, awkward, and heavy. We have a Phil & Teds double stroller (like the one in the picture) and while it maneuvers a lot more easily and is more smooth, it’s still pretty large and doesn’t fold down very small at all. We found it much easier to babywear and use a single stroller.
Thanks! My toddler has NEVER been a stroller kid to DH doesn't think its worth us buying one. I don't yet know how one parent will ever travel with two kids at once, but we'll save the money and come back to the idea later!
A wasn’t much of a stroller kid by the time E was born. They’re 2 years 9 months apart and I’d just wear her with him in the stroller or let him walk while she was in the stroller. I did Disneyland solo like this with both kids many times and it’s worked out beautifully. And saved us lots of money. Except now that we’re going to have two under two as well as a 4 year old, we’re going to get a double. I’m sure I can make it work but it seems like it’ll be a little easier with a double.
Re: Sit and Stand strollers. We have a Britax B-Ready, and it converted to an in-line double which was great when they were both younger. DS was fine with it until he was about 3 and DD was about 1 (when they could argue over who sat where). I wore DD a lot and didn't use the second seat all that often, but recently bought a stroller board to attach to the back of it. DS (almost 4.5) loves that stupid board, and thinks it's the best thing ever. We generally only use it for longer trips (Cedar Point has been the main usage this summer) but it's great. It doesn't really add any bulk (you do have to stand a little further back when pushing, but not much) and it's a fast on/off for DS.
Been away on vacation this past week so trying to catch up on things... this thread is great. I had a “moment” last night where I got all sad thinking about how we’re turning DS’s world upside down with the new baby, and how I don’t want him to feel less loved or special. I know he’ll be fine, and he’ll love having a little brother, but I don’t want him to lose the special bond that we have.
@pumpkinpancake I have been feeling the same too. Overridden with guilt about it. We followed Moms on Call (it may be more locally known to my city, but maybe not) with DS pretty closely and there is a book in the series about having a baby and toddler. It basically says that the world does not revolve around your toddler, but revolves around your family. When I read that, it sounded a little harsh. However, the more I thought about it, I liked it because it is true. Eventually this newborn will be a toddler too and is part of this family. Being the second child has also made me consider how to make sure the new baby feels just as special as DS. Sometimes I can't even imagine what it would be like to love anything more than DS, but I have a feeling I am about to learn!
@pumpkinpancake it’s natural to feel that way! It’s so easy to focus on the turning his world around because he’s there, concrete and solid, while the new baby is still more abstract. As my daughter gets older, I love seeing their relationship and how they interact. The other night, A couldn’t sleep and was all over the place. At one point, he went into E’s room and the camera alerted us. I was ready to storm in when I saw that he went in there, saw she was sleeping then walked over to her and kissed her before going back to his own room. You’re giving him a playmate and a friend for life.
Both A&E are crazy attached to me. Having E hasn’t changed that. Our relationship is a little different, but part of that is because he is older and the way you parent a 4 year old is different than a 2 year old. It’s not a bad different. But I make sure to make time for just him and he loves it!
@mommy2ane your reply made me cry (in a good way) at how sweet that moment was between your two kids. I love the idea that we’re giving DS someone to love and play with for his whole life, I just want to make the transition for him as easy as possible, you know?
Since we're moving right around my due date and need to change DD's daycare we decided to save some money and pull her when I go on maternity leave until our leave time is over (so between DH and I a total of 4 months). I'm panicking about having the baby and her at the same time full time. Stay at home moms tell me everything will be okay and we will all survive! Any tips or tricks for survival appreciated!
Re: Tips for Toddler and Newborn
There's also some suggestions in the birth class advice thread, I'll try and tag you!
My son is very high energy so that worries me. He isnt in daycare yet either. My SO is going to be going back to work soon so preschool will be in the near ish future so I'm hoping that helps because he needs to stay busy for sure!
We also made her very involved in his care. We’d ask her if she could grab a diaper for her brother, or what onesie or sleeper she wanted him to wear, or if she could help turn on his swing. The more we let her help, the more she felt like he was HER baby too and not just someone to take attention from her. I think saying “your brother” helped too instead of just referring to him as “the baby” or using his name. The two of them are incredibly close now (she tells everyone that he’s her best friend) and I’d like to think that it’s partially because she got off to a great start with him. There was very little jealousy or outrage directed at him.
We plan to do the same things this time around (DD will be 4.5, DS will be almost 3) to help make it easier for both of them.
Re: getting sick...DS was born 10/29 so definitely cold/flu season. DD had a cold and strep off and on for the majority of the first 6-ish months of DS’s life (she was in MDO part
time), and DS only got sick once. That March right after he turned 4 months old he ended up with RSV but we were able to handle it with no problems at home with a nebulizer.
As far as introducing them, my advice is to make sure that you’re not holding the baby when your older one walks into the room at the hospital (or wherever you're delivering)...have someone else hold the baby or put the baby in the crib and greet your older child first, then introduce the two of them.
Another STM here with similar anxieties. I’m glad DS will go to daycare so I can bond with the baby alone a bit though.
When they met, I was holding E when he came in. He was so excited to meet his sister and I just made sure to hug him and give him lots of love. I may change it this time since E is much younger and doesn’t really understand what’s happening.
Jealousy is to be expected. He doesn’t associate how he’s feeling with his sister, which is good, but there’d be times where he’d start acting out more because he just needed me to spend a little more time with him and when I saw it was getting to that point, I’d schedule an outing with just him. I’d let him choose and he just loved having that time. It’ll be similar this time around. I don’t know how E will be but she’s a totally Mommy’s girl as well so we’re going to have to make sure they all get special time, even if it’s just cuddling with them on the couch.
As for keeping the baby from getting sick, E was born in December (cold and flu season, yay!) and A was in daycare during most of that time. He didn’t really get sick, but he did get pink eye right before I went back to work. I made sure to remind him he couldn’t touch his sister since he was sick (which really made him sad) and made sure to wash his sheets every day (something a friend told me she did to help keep the germs from spreading). DH and I both washed our hands a lot as well to help contain it.
A is super high energy and I had to make sure not to leave them alone since he makes crazy, spontaneous decisions. I did that until he had a better understanding of little E is. I’m still really cautious of it, even now, because he doesn’t always know his strength. There was a lot of reminding him how big he is, and how he needed to be gentle. We’d demonstrate gentle and show him how to be nice.
DS will be 21m when this one comes. And he is crazy energetic! I'm a little nervous about getting able to keep up with two. And how do naps work and such? I'm nervous about the separate schedules.... and being not a zombie.
We also did the "Just a minute please Bridget, I'm helping/doing X with Aiden right now" when she would get fussy during times I was focusing on Aiden, so he would know he was a priority too and wasn't getting pushed aside. It seemed to really help him feel like he hadn't lost his place. We also tried to keep him on his routine as much as possible (going to daycare, etc.) so he had some stability.
As far as toddlers getting baby sick, there's only so much you can do without keeping them completely separate and effecting their relationship. Aiden puked on my mom the day after Bridget was born, and ended up having pinkeye the first week she was home. Because, you know, newborns aren't stressful enough We just were very vigilant about no face touching, and keeping his face out of hers and it seemed to work out.
I really like alot of these ideas and I am super glad I started this discussion because I thought I was the only one scared out of my mind about this!
DS1 gave me and DS2 the silent treatment when we came home from the hospital. He wouldn't acknowledge me unless absolutely necessary. After awhile he came around and curiosity got the better of him. He'd put the paci in DS2's mouth and "help" as much as he could at 23mo. We read lots of "big brother" stories while I was pregnant and talked about the new baby a lot, so I think that was helpful. This time around we've been talking a LOT with both boys about what it'll be like when baby arrives, what babies can (and CAN'T) eat and play with. Mostly just so they're not trying to feed him solids, lol. "babies only drink milk from mommy", "babies can't play with big boy toys, so we need to make sure to keep them on the table so baby brother can't reach them" , etc.
We're big on routines at our house, so I think keeping the big boys on their normal routine as much as possible with help with the transition. So predictable mealtimes, bedtimes, storytimes, school, etc. We talk to the boys often about how babies cry to communicate since they don't know how to talk yet and how we have to be quiet and GENTLE with baby when he arrives. We ask who's excited to hold and cuddle baby and trying putting a positive spin on the whole thing. We have fairly loud air purifiers in each boy's room that have always doubled as white noise machines, so we're keeping those to help deaden the MOTN baby cries.
As far as getting sick, I personally plan to get the flu shot for myself and both my older boys as well as pass whatever immunity I can through EBF. Even with all that, i'm sure baby will get sick at some point. DS2 got croup as an infant, so we're familiar with using a nebulizer for breathing treatments (think of it as extra enforced cuddle time, lol) and I found my love for the nose frieda so FX we all get through winter mostly unscathed.
I'm also hoping to plan some "date days/nights" with each older boy to go do something with just them when possible, even if its just a trip to get an ice cream cone or ride their bike around the neighborhood, or do a craft project or stay up late and watch a movie at home. Something that is just the two of us spending time together uninterrupted.
DS wasn't too bad when DD was born. There were times when it was really stressful, and times when it wasn't bad at all. Every kid is so different so it's hard to give exact advice. But I would stay, be flexible, try to stay patient, and if you have to give everyone PB&J sandwiches in front of the TV for dinner 3 nights a week to survive, then don't make yourself feel guilty about it.
There are 2 lights at the end of the tunnel that I found out after having 2, though. The first is something I forgot, but I felt so much more like myself a few weeks after birth. Meaning, I had some normal energy levels again, I could drink caffeine, I could move without discomfort. So physically being in a better place made me feel better mentally (it's like when I was pregnant, I forgot that I wouldn't be pregnant once both kids were here if that makes sense).
The second thing is that after a while (for us, it was after DD turned 1 and DS was 3), things got SO MUCH easier. DS was a really energetic toddler and it was just him, so we spent a lot of time playing and engaging and doing things. Once DD was 1-1.5, the two of them started playing together all the time. I'm not saying I don't still engage with my kids, of course, but it is nice that they can play legos together while I am getting dinner ready, kwim?
Both A&E are crazy attached to me. Having E hasn’t changed that. Our relationship is a little different, but part of that is because he is older and the way you parent a 4 year old is different than a 2 year old. It’s not a bad different. But I make sure to make time
for just him and he loves it!