-Waxing/shaving.. did you ladies keep up during pregnancy? If not, did you shave before going in? PP how long did you wait before waxing/shaving again? Last time I kept up with shaving. After I couldn't see over my bump, I just felt around. This time, I could never really even see over my belly to start with - I had lost my baby weight but my belly wasn't the same. So I am just going in blind and feeling around. I am sure it's a hack job down there.
-I've read about women freezing pads with witch hazel? Did you do this? Speaking of pads, how bad is the lochia? What kind of pads worked best for you?
Csection.
-Hemorrhoids. When did you get them? Do they go away? Relief? I got them the very day before my CS!! What luck. Ugh. I just used Anusol and it helped.
After lots of chatting lately with my sil (w an 8 month old non-sleeper), I was reminded that no one really talks about what having a baby does to a marriage/relationship.
It gets tough, it will feel impossible, and then, eventually, it improves... that’s my experience.
I think what I see most is that each new parent experiences it differently, how and which priorities shift doesn’t happen uniformly. What was most important to me in each day’s “tasks for survival” were not the same for dh, sp his manner of helping often led to frustration. And vice versa, I drove him nuts obsessing over things that were not as important to him. Totally just my personal observation.
Anyone else have input/experience with this?
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
@jhjocelyn definitely agree that the way priorities shift is not the same for moms vs dads. My H and I had a hard time getting back to a good place, I'm fairly convinced this is because I should have sought out help for undiagnosed PPA/PPD.
I always recommend being very explicit with your spouse with what you need from them, ESPECIALLY post partum when life can be overwhelming. My H attempted to ease "my" burden by taking on a lot of the cooking and cleaning for quite a while leaving me to deal with baby by myself a lot. Turns out this is not what I wanted or needed. I wanted and needed more time to myself, even if that time was spent cooking a meal, cleaning a bathroom, or going grocery shopping by myself. He was always very apt to take on a definitive task like laundry, vacuuming, groceries, but I don't think he was quite as confident with his baby soothing/interacting skills with a baby less than a year old.
This is definitely something I need to be more conscientious of with this baby so hopefully neither of us feel overwhelmed in any one way.
And also, so much changes I think even for dh’s once baby is a toddling little person. I think that was when a lot changed for dh and improved for us.
...Now my concern is getting him to chill while dd is w someone else and be present w me at the hospital and bondin w this new little one. He literally said mostly joking “would it be that big of a deal of we just take dd with us?”...
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
@nlc8424 I 100% agree with the need to be explicit with one's SO PP. Waiting and hoping for someone else to figure out what you need will get you no where and leave you feeling resentful. (Or it can. I'm sure someone out there has a spouse/SO that's super in tune, but it seems to me that in general the person who didn't grow the tiny human and that isn't using their boobs to feed said tiny human, just can't quite grasp all the nuances of postpartum life.) My husband and I parent great together. He's a really involved dad and was super into his baby. We didn't struggle in that way. Hubby was ready to dive in and do everything he could with baby and he did. I definitely handed baby off sometimes and literally said, "I just don't want to hold him right now." Btw, it's totally ok to NOT want to hold your baby sometimes. It's totally ok to want to sit in your chair, go take a shower, or go be in a different room BY YOURSELF sometimes. Ask for that time. Demand that time. But as involved as he was I still needed to remind him, constantly, that I, me, the body that pushed that baby out, needed food, drink, sleep, whatever, cause I still had a lot of healing to do. Just because the baby is no longer in me didn't mean my body was back to "normal." It takes a while to get there.
Marriage wise we suffered in that our romantic (and I don't mean just sex) relationship got moved to the bottom of my husband's priorities. His priorities went baby, work, and then if anything was left, us. We honestly still aren't in a great place in regards to that. I've had some very frank conversations with him though that if he doesn't find a way to prioritize me/us that we won't have a marriage at some point. We are great co parents! And that counts for something, but if he wants to keep his WIFE he better find a way to make her feel like a wife and not a co parenting roommate. My husband isn't a jerk or anything, for the record, it's just that our child never slept and he got hired for his new job like 5 days after our kid was born and it's been pretty non stop choas ever since. He (and I) became very reactive vs proactive in our lives. So only the problems and issues that were the biggest and most pressing were being cared for/addressed. The problem with that is, romantic relationships, your personal relationship as a couple, needs lots of proactive care. My advice about all that is to find a way to do something that's just about your relationship with your spouse/significant other as soon as possible and don't slack on it! It doesn't have to be huge! It can totally be going out to dinner once a week or once a month -without your kid- and yes picking up fast food and parking somewhere and eating in your car counts, time at the gym together or even just quiet time together just talking after the kid goes to bed. You just need something that is about you two as a couple, as people outside of your children.
@mrsman2018 I hated the frozen pads I made. I also just used the Always pads that I had. I didn't realize until later that they gave me "diaper rash". I've had friends who swear by the Depends adult diapers for the first week or two. I may have some of those and maybe some Kotex.
Post partum bleeding was basically just one extremely long period for me, after the first few days. The cramping of my shrinking uterus was honestly the worst part.
****
And I also agree with being explicit about what you need. I would let myself get so hungry because I was trying to focus on DD and not really think to ask for help. Which, DH eventually noticed and made sure to take DD when meals were done so I could eat a hot meal.
So, I guess the big thing for me is remembering to ask for help. Which ends up me asking DH to make sure to at least ask me what I need help with and not to let me get by with saying I've got it all under control.
And I'm fairly certain I had undiagnosed PPA with DD. So, I'm pretty much making sure my family knows the signs so that they can point it out to me and help me get help.
And oh yes, @stothi, the "coparenting roommates" thing. We totally got to that point because we got stuck in survival mode. I was floundering in anxeity. We were both in our final year of undergrad. Then there is a newborn. Then DH went to grad school. We are just now getting back to the romantic relationship almost 5 years later. And now I'm worried that we will slip back.
I think the biggest adjustment I had was that now there was an “on-duty” button, that I expected to be able to turn off once in a while, and found exhausting that it was never off unless I told dh to take over or left dd w the babysitter. Relaxing, “me-time” took me forever to figure out. Dh was willing to help, but I didn’t know what I wanted, I just wanted to be “off-duty” not necessarily doing anything in particular, which was hard to accomplish in a small open concet house w a dh who loves to be “doing” stuff all the time!
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
As one little step to prepare for self-care, I'm thinking about pre-booking a few pp massages and my first pp hair appointment. I think I will likely forget about all of that once the baby arrives, but if it is pre-booked I probably will love the break. Those are 2 things that I really treasure as me-time now - even with no baby. So, what would you all recommend as the right amount of time to wait before getting my hair done and getting a massage. I'm thinking maybe 8 weeks out?
@magnolia209 for the massage 8 weeks seems safe. You want to give yourself plenty of time to make sure you’re done bleeding. DH kept trying to schedule one for me when I was pp last time and was frustrated when I kept telling him to wait. It was sweet of him to try, but I wouldn’t have been comfortable going while I was still bleeding heavily
@magnolia209 for the massage 8 weeks seems safe. You want to give yourself plenty of time to make sure you’re done bleeding. DH kept trying to schedule one for me when I was pp last time and was frustrated when I kept telling him to wait. It was sweet of him to try, but I wouldn’t have been comfortable going while I was still bleeding heavily
This! I didn't want to be out of the house for very long when I was still bleeding heavily. Especially not for something you do naked/just in undies!
I think 6-8 weeks is totally fine for hair and 8-12 is good for a massage. Just remember that if you are breastfeeding that your boobs are ticking time bombs so you don't want to schedule too much in the same day until you know how long your boobs can tolerate being away from baby without needing to pump. I would break more elaborate hair into 2 different sessions like root lightening and Brazilian one day and then come back 2-3 days later to get my finishing color done cause I maxed out around 3-4 that I could be away from baby/the pump. Although you could totally take a manual pump with you cause you have down time while your hair is processing.
+1 for asking for help. DH took over diapers, feeding me, and keeping track of pp pain meds.
Also for @magnolia209 make sure your H knows how long you will be gone for your hair/massage appointment. I can't remember when I got my haircut after. It took an hour (like it usually does) but DH was freaking out because he thought it was taking to long and DD was getting grumpy
FYI @magnolia209, It wasn't heavy, but after my section I bled on and off for 9 weeks.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
Can I just say how glad I am that this conversation is happening? DH is already weird about KU sex. We've had it maybe twice since our BFP... to make matters worse, we've struggled to find a new work life / home life balance since I took my new job outside of the home (a year+ ago), and we struggle at times with resentment over what does/ doesn't get done, or how much of the load anybody may be taking. It's hard.
Now throw in a baby!
And again, don't get me wrong, for the most part he's really appreciative, so we won't go there. Lol he literally just came down and gave me a great big hug and a smooch and thanked me for helping him get ready. But last night I also may or may not have flipped out a little bit when he started to grumble about taking the dogs out before bed. The old, "I did the laundry, I made dinner, bleached the counters, cleaned up the kitchen, fed the dogs, made the coffee... the least you can do is let them out before we go upstairs!" Which he did.
And then he also later apologized and said he knows he can be lazy sometimes, and he knows I do a lot around here for us. (And in his defense, he wasn't feeling well last night, so I know that contributed this time, but in most cases, he just falls asleep on the couch while I clean up the kitchen! Lol)
So I mean, I keep telling him, if there are things that bother him that he sees not getting done, just do them! That's what I do! And sometimes I pick my battles. So if vacuuming the doghair doesn't seem to be happening as much as you'd like, please - by all means, go to town. I gave up on daily vacuuming somewhere around when I went to 40 hours. It is what it is. And I know the dynamic is going to shift once baby is here, and again if/when I go back to work, and again and again as we go through different stages. Idk. I have no idea what PP/ parental life is going to look like for us, and I do have confidence he will step up and help a LOT. I just know there will likely be bumps along the way to getting there, too. And maybe that forewarning is enough to look back on in the moment and say hey, we knew this would happen. We love each other. Let's take a time out and give ourselves a break. Or whatever. A hug. Kwim? Idk #rambling
@BusinessWife keep the communication flowing with your H for sure. You're right that there are bound to be hiccups along the way, but letting each other know, "hey, I'm still here as your wife, I see everything you're doing for us" can go a long way. I've had to do that a lot lately with my H. I haven't been as physically capable of doing things on my own like I used to (mainly lifting heavy things) and quite frankly, sometimes he has energy when I don't. He chooses to get stuff done and expects me to do the rest of the house chores that still need to be done, but guess what? My energy didn't magically reappear, so I continue to take it easy. This is new for him, so I'm letting him know that I recognize he's pulling extra weight in the house right now and that I appreciate it.
Being pregnant and having a new baby in the house can definitely change the dynamics for a while, you will eventually find your groove again. But if not, talking to a unbiased third party can be really helpful. Feel free to vent and/or ask for tips as you need them!
@BusinessWife I think you got the nail on the head. If you have the conversation now and go into the newborn stage knowing that you need to cut each other slack and that things will be both different and difficult at times, then you have a base for the communication to take place when it gets rough. I will say you get amnesia to some extent when you get out of survival mode of newborn phase. Haha I think that’s what makes number two possible for us. With DD life changed, we knew it would, and we evolved as a couple and a family into something different. Not bad just different, and that was easier to accept because we had the conversations beforehand and knew it would happen. I also think people don’t cut themselves enough slack through newborn phase... be kind to each, know the phase will end and new one begin. That helped us.
I’m crossing my fingers the strategy for numero uno will work for numero dos.
One of the things we struggled with was that H was great at doing things, but only if I asked. It was kind of rare that he took the mental burden of remembering to change the laundry, take the trash out, run the dishwasher, come up with meals to make so we could buy the right groceries for those meals, when the next doctor appointment was, etc. It's something we still struggle with, and something I've had to come to grips with, but just wanted to give the PSA that while your H may be great at doing things you ask, the initiative would sometimes be nicer. Or maybe pre-delegate tasks. In pre-baby life, we split chores inside and outside. Anything inside I did, anything outside he did. He may not need to do chores every night (like I do with dishes), but I don't have to mow grass for 6 hours every Friday. For those first 6-8 weeks PP, he knows he's one 100% bottle and dishes duty. It's easy to do, but it drives me batty when the sink is full, so it mentally helps my sanity.
@magnolia209 I 100% agree with @stothi's timeline. 6-8 for hair, 8-12 for massage. Also, immediately after baby I was touched out. I was so tired of having a human attached to me I didn't want anyone touching me. Add into that leaky full boobs that are uncomfortable to lay on (I couldn't sleep on my stomach until maybe 6 months PP because my boobs were uncomfortable). Everyone is different (obviously), but there is a slight chance you may not enjoy a massage immediately PP as much as you did pre-baby, not to burst your bubble.
@Redpuma119 yeah, you definitely can’t start sleeping on your stomach again day 1. I still had enough of a belly for a few weeks that it wouldn’t have been comfortable even without the boob issue.
@Patience7150 Yep - I agree. I don't want to do it too early. And I hadn't thought about being "touched out", but honestly that sounds like a real thing I might feel. Thanks for the reccomendation! I think maybe I will book hair ahead of time 8 weeks - ish (because that will need to happen regardless) and buy myself a gift certificate for a massage, but not set the date. That way it is already paid for (since I won't be earning money) but I can wait as long as I need to.
@Redpuma119 yeah, you definitely can’t start sleeping on your stomach again day 1. I still had enough of a belly for a few weeks that it wouldn’t have been comfortable even without the boob issue.
This was the greatest tragedy when I realized this for the first time PP. I couldn’t really lay on my belly for 6 months due to really full boobs. Once DS started solids and my oversupply calmed down it was much better.
I love that we’re talking about how to ask for help and find a good balance, now and postpartum. DH is great about remembering certain tasks, but anything beyond mowing or doing the dishes he needs a reminder. So we have a small whiteboard on our fridge where we can both add tasks to that need to get done, and erase when they’ve been completed. I still find myself reminding him that the list is there, but it’s so much easier to say ‘did you see anything on the list you wanted to help with?’ than to assign him tasks like he’s a kid.
That’s what we’ve found works for us. And postpartum I was a zombie, so DH had no choice but to make sure we had food and clean clothes. He took my temperature and tracked any clots I passed (so gross). For me it was nice to see that softer side of him, it gave both of us time to consider who we are as caregivers and what that looks like to our family.
and +1 to demanding time ‘off.’ Take a walk in the evening by yourself, go grocery shopping at 11pm, find ways to breathe into yourself and who you are outside of being mom. Rejoining my loved activities brought me back to life.
arbell615 said: *snip* it’s so much easier to say ‘did you see anything on the list you wanted to help with?’ than to assign him tasks like he’s a kid.
I love this approach! I usually use the "Honey Do List" method and for the most part things get done, but I bet he'd feel more ownership if he picked out tasks himself.
Referencing some of the earlier conversation - one thing I struggled with when we had visitors (close family) was that they ONLY wanted to hold the baby and thought that by doing that, they were helping me out by giving me a break. What I really wanted was to hold my own baby, and have them offer to make us a meal or do the dishes (just being honest). We also had people really overstay their welcome (both at the hospital and once we got home) and MH and I have already discussed setting boundaries and having him be a bouncer as needed. I feel like we're a lot more prepared to deal with these things going into this for the second time, but also have DD to keep in mind. She will be starting Kindergarten and I don't want a lot of visitors during the week messing up her school routine.
+1 to making time for QT with your partner AND yourself. Both are so important and it took me a long time to realize it after I had my DD.
Me: 32 DH: 32 BFP #1: 1/23/2012 DD: Born 9/20/2012 BFP #2: 12/30/2017 DS: Due 9/10/2018
Oh yes, being touched out is so real. There are going to be times when you do not want to touch your baby or have anyone touch you. It happens. You may feel guilty but it is NORMAL because you have this tiny human that needs you constantly.
And really, do the self care. My small mom group from when I had DD still does a "Me Monday" thread almost 5 years later. It's where we talk about what we did especially for ourselves that week. Maybe we read a book/got coffee/bubble bath/pedicure/etc? It really helped us when the kids were small because it gave us a prompting to make sure we did something, even a small something, just for ourselves.
@knitknitread that Me Monday thread is a good idea. Maybe we should do something like that here once we all have our babies.
Let's do it!!
Me: 34 | DH: 33 Married Aug. 2013 TTC #1 Sep. 2016 ***TW***
BFP Jan. 15, 2017; MMC Mar. 4, 2017 at 10w6d BFP Jun. 5, 2017; MMC Aug. 2, 2017 at 11w6d BFP Nov. 20, 2017; ended in CP All the tests. Everything normal except treated for ureaplasma and DH potentially has high DNAF. BFP Dec. 25, 2017; EDD Sep. 5, 2018; DD arrived Aug. 26th My chart: https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/63f71d
MH and I have definitely struggled with finding our balance after DD. He likes to know things in advance, but had a hard time understanding that I can’t always predict when the kid is going to wake up early or spit up all over and I need an emergency shower even though it was my scheduled “on duty” time. Another thing that I remind him of is that when baby screaming in his ear makes him frustrated, it’s not my fault and he shouldn’t take it out on me. There has been a lot of progress with us but it has taken time. Divide up responsibilities, be flexible, and make time for yourselves as a couple. Happy couples make better parents.
My H and I have talked about communication in the delivery room. Since I plan to go unmedicated we have had to really sit down and talk about what it will be like and if I have a moment of not wanting him touching me, he shouldn’t take it personally.
southernlady07 I also struggled with close family coming over and "helping" by holding DD. It did not help at all as it made me anxious. I want to be the one that holds her and maybe you can ask what it is I need. I had a CS, maybe it would occur to you to do some dishes? And they would def overstay their welcome. I was in a lot of pain PP and I felt/looked like hell. They would just say, doesn't matter what you look like, we just want to see LO. Oh, thanks. Get out of my house!
I think the biggest adjustment I had was that now there was an “on-duty” button, that I expected to be able to turn off once in a while, and found exhausting that it was never off unless I told dh to take over or left dd w the babysitter. Relaxing, “me-time” took me forever to figure out. Dh was willing to help, but I didn’t know what I wanted, I just wanted to be “off-duty” not necessarily doing anything in particular, which was hard to accomplish in a small open concet house w a dh who loves to be “doing” stuff all the time!
STUCK IN THE BOX:
Similar as with my first when it was the middle of the night and my baby was still crying and I asked him to take the baby as I was DONE, I still couldn't turn off and sleep but I could at least recover a bit... 2nd and 3rd that changed and I would sleep almost instantly.
Our solution that works decently for nights is that we have figured out that he does the pre-midnights and I get some sleep (outside of nursing) and I do the post-midnights. As long as I get that bit of sleep beforehand, I can function after midnight for the most part! And it enables him to still be functional for work for the most part.
Daughter #1 - Feb 2012 Daughter #2 - Oct 2014 Daughter #3 - Nov 2016 Baby #4 - Sept 2018
I was always super disappointed/kinda upset when people came over postpartum and didn't bring food. I thought everyone was supposed to bring food and no one freaking fed me! I wouldn't have even cared what they brought! Could have been anything.
@Redpuma119 I was 90% unmedicated for DS’s birth and basically told DH I would let him know what I needed when I needed it and it worked well. I turned out I didn’t want TV or anything (just quiet), and I wanted to be moving/walking halls/sitting for most of it. If I happened to be sitting or laying quietly he worked on his laptop and didn’t offer up anything so that he didn’t annoy me or give me useless suggestions when I was in the throes of labor. I asked him to do counter pressure when I was having contractions while walking (he pushed my IV pole otherwise until I paused to have a contraction). Just tell DH you don’t know what you’ll want until it happens and just to be openminded and not to take anything you do or say personally.
I was always super disappointed/kinda upset when people came over postpartum and didn't bring food. I thought everyone was supposed to bring food and no one freaking fed me! I wouldn't have even cared what they brought! Could have been anything.
My cousin and in-laws would come with food and stay a couple hours most. My mother would bring some friend (always people I knew already at least) that wanted to meet her grandbaby and no food and would stay for HOURS. I love my mom but I am very much prepared this time around to put a stop to that. She's on freaking sabatical from work this fall too so I'm expecting many requests to visit.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks DS born 9/13/16 BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
I enjoyed reading all the responses because I had so many questions regarding PP. FTM My H & I communicate well (at least I think we do) and we tell each other how it is or what we need etc.. I have been talking to him about my plans during L&D and PP. I know plans can go out the window but it makes me feel less stressed and somewhat prepared. We have recently been talking about how to handle visitors at the hospital and at home. He would rather have people at our house while I would rather get the visits over with at the hospital. I dont want to be bitchy to people but also want them to know hey you've had your time, now get out! I just pushed a baby out my who-ha. My MIL thankfully mentioned to me last week that she was willing to do things around the house for me or just get us groceries after she gets off work once the baby is born..I cried when she told me that.
I was wondering about the freezer pads. I've read that the aloe isn't necessary when making the pads with witch hazel..is this true? I feel like it would make it too wet down there? And the Episiotomy..I've read about it once and was freaked out. How bad was it? When was it needed? The husband stitch sounds horrible too.. I planned on doing a natural birth so of course tearing freaks me out. Any experiences, tips, advice?
@stothi people should always bring food!! I told my sister I wanted a prosciutto sandwich from a specific deli and she brought it for my lunch in the hospital. It was Amazing!! I think hospital food needs to be planned out more than I did last time. Husband didn’t have much to eat
@Lcardinal04 I requested Panera mac and cheese as my first meal after I had DD That is a great point about hospital food for husbands - especially if there are not a lot of options within the vicinity of the hospital/birthing center.
Me: 32 DH: 32 BFP #1: 1/23/2012 DD: Born 9/20/2012 BFP #2: 12/30/2017 DS: Due 9/10/2018
*We have recently been talking about how to handle visitors at the hospital and at home. He would rather have people at our house while I would rather get the visits over with at the hospital.*
I was wondering about the freezer pads.** And the Episiotomy**
There are pros and cons to either visiting situation. Think about who is coming to visit, if they are only going to want to say hi and hold the baby then at the hospital might be better because people don't tend to linger as much. If they are willing to do chores or cook food then your house would be fine but it's really personal preference. We had only immediate family at the hospital and spaced out so it was only a few people at a time. It's ok to tell people no if you really aren't up for visitors.
I had a minor tear that didn't require stitches so my advice is limited. I used the hospital ice packs (ask for extra!) Then just tucks pads at home (set the tucks pads on whatever liner you are using).
Your OB should be able to answer questions about episiotomies. Write a list of questions for your next appointment so you don't forget any
@lpq0309 certainly speak to your dr about the episiotomy situation. Each dr is different. I needed one and had a 4th degree tear needing stitches too. I didn’t feel any of it happening. I was very sore afterward though. I used the ice pads, witch hazel pads, and the numbing spray during healing. I will have all on hand for healing this time.
@southernlady07 our hospital’s policy was one entree and as many sides as you wanted. So it was a decent amount of food but lots of carb sides.
Re: PP Preparedness
Last time I kept up with shaving. After I couldn't see over my bump, I just felt around. This time, I could never really even see over my belly to start with - I had lost my baby weight but my belly wasn't the same. So I am just going in blind and feeling around. I am sure it's a hack job down there.
-I've read about women freezing pads with witch hazel? Did you do this? Speaking of pads, how bad is the lochia? What kind of pads worked best for you?
Csection.
-Hemorrhoids. When did you get them? Do they go away? Relief?
I got them the very day before my CS!! What luck. Ugh. I just used Anusol and it helped.
After lots of chatting lately with my sil (w an 8 month old non-sleeper), I was reminded that no one really talks about what having a baby does to a marriage/relationship.
It gets tough, it will feel impossible, and then, eventually, it improves... that’s my experience.
I think what I see most is that each new parent experiences it differently, how and which priorities shift doesn’t happen uniformly. What was most important to me in each day’s “tasks for survival” were not the same for dh, sp his manner of helping often led to frustration. And vice versa, I drove him nuts obsessing over things that were not as important to him. Totally just my personal observation.
Anyone else have input/experience with this?
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
**Psalm 139:16**
I always recommend being very explicit with your spouse with what you need from them, ESPECIALLY post partum when life can be overwhelming. My H attempted to ease "my" burden by taking on a lot of the cooking and cleaning for quite a while leaving me to deal with baby by myself a lot. Turns out this is not what I wanted or needed. I wanted and needed more time to myself, even if that time was spent cooking a meal, cleaning a bathroom, or going grocery shopping by myself. He was always very apt to take on a definitive task like laundry, vacuuming, groceries, but I don't think he was quite as confident with his baby soothing/interacting skills with a baby less than a year old.
This is definitely something I need to be more conscientious of with this baby so hopefully neither of us feel overwhelmed in any one way.
YES!! Just take the baby from me pllleeaasseeee!
And also, so much changes I think even for dh’s once baby is a toddling little person. I think that was when a lot changed for dh and improved for us.
...Now my concern is getting him to chill while dd is w someone else and be present w me at the hospital and bondin w this new little one.
He literally said mostly joking “would it be that big of a deal of we just take dd with us?”...
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
**Psalm 139:16**
My husband and I parent great together. He's a really involved dad and was super into his baby. We didn't struggle in that way. Hubby was ready to dive in and do everything he could with baby and he did.
I definitely handed baby off sometimes and literally said, "I just don't want to hold him right now." Btw, it's totally ok to NOT want to hold your baby sometimes. It's totally ok to want to sit in your chair, go take a shower, or go be in a different room BY YOURSELF sometimes. Ask for that time. Demand that time. But as involved as he was I still needed to remind him, constantly, that I, me, the body that pushed that baby out, needed food, drink, sleep, whatever, cause I still had a lot of healing to do. Just because the baby is no longer in me didn't mean my body was back to "normal." It takes a while to get there.
Marriage wise we suffered in that our romantic (and I don't mean just sex) relationship got moved to the bottom of my husband's priorities. His priorities went baby, work, and then if anything was left, us. We honestly still aren't in a great place in regards to that. I've had some very frank conversations with him though that if he doesn't find a way to prioritize me/us that we won't have a marriage at some point. We are great co parents! And that counts for something, but if he wants to keep his WIFE he better find a way to make her feel like a wife and not a co parenting roommate. My husband isn't a jerk or anything, for the record, it's just that our child never slept and he got hired for his new job like 5 days after our kid was born and it's been pretty non stop choas ever since. He (and I) became very reactive vs proactive in our lives. So only the problems and issues that were the biggest and most pressing were being cared for/addressed. The problem with that is, romantic relationships, your personal relationship as a couple, needs lots of proactive care. My advice about all that is to find a way to do something that's just about your relationship with your spouse/significant other as soon as possible and don't slack on it! It doesn't have to be huge! It can totally be going out to dinner once a week or once a month -without your kid- and yes picking up fast food and parking somewhere and eating in your car counts, time at the gym together or even just quiet time together just talking after the kid goes to bed. You just need something that is about you two as a couple, as people outside of your children.
Post partum bleeding was basically just one extremely long period for me, after the first few days. The cramping of my shrinking uterus was honestly the worst part.
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And I also agree with being explicit about what you need. I would let myself get so hungry because I was trying to focus on DD and not really think to ask for help. Which, DH eventually noticed and made sure to take DD when meals were done so I could eat a hot meal.
So, I guess the big thing for me is remembering to ask for help. Which ends up me asking DH to make sure to at least ask me what I need help with and not to let me get by with saying I've got it all under control.
And I'm fairly certain I had undiagnosed PPA with DD. So, I'm pretty much making sure my family knows the signs so that they can point it out to me and help me get help.
And oh yes, @stothi, the "coparenting roommates" thing. We totally got to that point because we got stuck in survival mode. I was floundering in anxeity. We were both in our final year of undergrad. Then there is a newborn. Then DH went to grad school. We are just now getting back to the romantic relationship almost 5 years later. And now I'm worried that we will slip back.
I think the biggest adjustment I had was that now there was an “on-duty” button, that I expected to be able to turn off once in a while, and found exhausting that it was never off unless I told dh to take over or left dd w the babysitter. Relaxing, “me-time” took me forever to figure out. Dh was willing to help, but I didn’t know what I wanted, I just wanted to be “off-duty” not necessarily doing anything in particular, which was hard to accomplish in a small open concet house w a dh who loves to be “doing” stuff all the time!
bfp#1-10/29/12,EDD: 7/3/13. nothing found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 12/10/12. "Bean"
bfp#2-5/10/13! EDD: 1/18/14. "Peanut" Arrived 1/13/14. Diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis
bfp#3- 9/26/14. EDD: 5/7/15. no heartbeat found @ 1st u/s, natural mc 10/23/14. "Little Bug"
**Psalm 139:16**
I think 6-8 weeks is totally fine for hair and 8-12 is good for a massage. Just remember that if you are breastfeeding that your boobs are ticking time bombs so you don't want to schedule too much in the same day until you know how long your boobs can tolerate being away from baby without needing to pump. I would break more elaborate hair into 2 different sessions like root lightening and Brazilian one day and then come back 2-3 days later to get my finishing color done cause I maxed out around 3-4 that I could be away from baby/the pump. Although you could totally take a manual pump with you cause you have down time while your hair is processing.
Also for @magnolia209 make sure your H knows how long you will be gone for your hair/massage appointment. I can't remember when I got my haircut after. It took an hour (like it usually does) but DH was freaking out because he thought it was taking to long and DD was getting grumpy
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
Now throw in a baby!
And again, don't get me wrong, for the most part he's really appreciative, so we won't go there. Lol he literally just came down and gave me a great big hug and a smooch and thanked me for helping him get ready. But last night I also may or may not have flipped out a little bit when he started to grumble about taking the dogs out before bed. The old, "I did the laundry, I made dinner, bleached the counters, cleaned up the kitchen, fed the dogs, made the coffee... the least you can do is let them out before we go upstairs!" Which he did.
And then he also later apologized and said he knows he can be lazy sometimes, and he knows I do a lot around here for us. (And in his defense, he wasn't feeling well last night, so I know that contributed this time, but in most cases, he just falls asleep on the couch while I clean up the kitchen! Lol)
So I mean, I keep telling him, if there are things that bother him that he sees not getting done, just do them! That's what I do! And sometimes I pick my battles. So if vacuuming the doghair doesn't seem to be happening as much as you'd like, please - by all means, go to town. I gave up on daily vacuuming somewhere around when I went to 40 hours. It is what it is. And I know the dynamic is going to shift once baby is here, and again if/when I go back to work, and again and again as we go through different stages. Idk. I have no idea what PP/ parental life is going to look like for us, and I do have confidence he will step up and help a LOT. I just know there will likely be bumps along the way to getting there, too. And maybe that forewarning is enough to look back on in the moment and say hey, we knew this would happen. We love each other. Let's take a time out and give ourselves a break. Or whatever. A hug. Kwim? Idk #rambling
*typos
Being pregnant and having a new baby in the house can definitely change the dynamics for a while, you will eventually find your groove again. But if not, talking to a unbiased third party can be really helpful. Feel free to vent and/or ask for tips as you need them!
I will say you get amnesia to some extent when you get out of survival mode of newborn phase. Haha I think that’s what makes number two possible for us.
With DD life changed, we knew it would, and we evolved as a couple and a family into something different. Not bad just different, and that was easier to accept because we had the conversations beforehand and knew it would happen. I also think people don’t cut themselves enough slack through newborn phase... be kind to each, know the phase will end and new one begin. That helped us.
I’m crossing my fingers the strategy for numero uno will work for numero dos.
@magnolia209 I 100% agree with @stothi's timeline. 6-8 for hair, 8-12 for massage. Also, immediately after baby I was touched out. I was so tired of having a human attached to me I didn't want anyone touching me. Add into that leaky full boobs that are uncomfortable to lay on (I couldn't sleep on my stomach until maybe 6 months PP because my boobs were uncomfortable). Everyone is different (obviously), but there is a slight chance you may not enjoy a massage immediately PP as much as you did pre-baby, not to burst your bubble.
@patience7150 I CAN NOT wait to be able to be on my stomach again. I hadn't even thought about the boobs though..
That’s what we’ve found works for us. And postpartum I was a zombie, so DH had no choice but to make sure we had food and clean clothes. He took my temperature and tracked any clots I passed (so gross). For me it was nice to see that softer side of him, it gave both of us time to consider who we are as caregivers and what that looks like to our family.
and +1 to demanding time ‘off.’ Take a walk in the evening by yourself, go grocery shopping at 11pm, find ways to breathe into yourself and who you are outside of being mom. Rejoining my loved activities brought me back to life.
Referencing some of the earlier conversation - one thing I struggled with when we had visitors (close family) was that they ONLY wanted to hold the baby and thought that by doing that, they were helping me out by giving me a break. What I really wanted was to hold my own baby, and have them offer to make us a meal or do the dishes (just being honest). We also had people really overstay their welcome (both at the hospital and once we got home) and MH and I have already discussed setting boundaries and having him be a bouncer as needed. I feel like we're a lot more prepared to deal with these things going into this for the second time, but also have DD to keep in mind. She will be starting Kindergarten and I don't want a lot of visitors during the week messing up her school routine.
+1 to making time for QT with your partner AND yourself. Both are so important and it took me a long time to realize it after I had my DD.
BFP #1: 1/23/2012 DD: Born 9/20/2012
BFP #2: 12/30/2017 DS: Due 9/10/2018
And really, do the self care. My small mom group from when I had DD still does a "Me Monday" thread almost 5 years later. It's where we talk about what we did especially for ourselves that week. Maybe we read a book/got coffee/bubble bath/pedicure/etc? It really helped us when the kids were small because it gave us a prompting to make sure we did something, even a small something, just for ourselves.
Married Aug. 2013
TTC #1 Sep. 2016
***TW***
BFP Jun. 5, 2017; MMC Aug. 2, 2017 at 11w6d
BFP Nov. 20, 2017; ended in CP
All the tests. Everything normal except treated for ureaplasma and DH potentially has high DNAF.
BFP Dec. 25, 2017; EDD Sep. 5, 2018; DD arrived Aug. 26th
My chart: https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/63f71d
Daughter #2 - Oct 2014
Daughter #3 - Nov 2016
Baby #4 - Sept 2018
MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks
DS born 9/13/16
BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
My H & I communicate well (at least I think we do) and we tell each other how it is or what we need etc.. I have been talking to him about my plans during L&D and PP. I know plans can go out the window but it makes me feel less stressed and somewhat prepared. We have recently been talking about how to handle visitors at the hospital and at home. He would rather have people at our house while I would rather get the visits over with at the hospital. I dont want to be bitchy to people but also want them to know hey you've had your time, now get out! I just pushed a baby out my who-ha.
My MIL thankfully mentioned to me last week that she was willing to do things around the house for me or just get us groceries after she gets off work once the baby is born..I cried when she told me that.
I was wondering about the freezer pads. I've read that the aloe isn't necessary when making the pads with witch hazel..is this true? I feel like it would make it too wet down there? And the Episiotomy..I've read about it once and was freaked out. How bad was it? When was it needed? The husband stitch sounds horrible too.. I planned on doing a natural birth so of course tearing freaks me out. Any experiences, tips, advice?
BFP #1: 1/23/2012 DD: Born 9/20/2012
BFP #2: 12/30/2017 DS: Due 9/10/2018
I had a minor tear that didn't require stitches so my advice is limited. I used the hospital ice packs (ask for extra!) Then just tucks pads at home (set the tucks pads on whatever liner you are using).
Your OB should be able to answer questions about episiotomies. Write a list of questions for your next appointment so you don't forget any
@southernlady07 our hospital’s policy was one entree and as many sides as you wanted. So it was a decent amount of food but lots of carb sides.