Intro that should have come much sooner (MFI, cancer)

leafyarch · May 2018

Hi there.

I’m not sure how to start this post because I’m really hurting but I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I knew I would end up here in TTTC. But I ended up here for completely different reasons than I thought I would be.

Background:

Total thyroidectomy due to papillary thyroid cancer in 2007.

Dx’d with PCOS and disordered endometrium in 2016 (both Dx which RE has now retracted).

NTNP/charting since November 2015.

Actively TTC since November 2017.

Yeah I know it’s only been 6 months since we actively started trying, but due to my lack of thyroid, we got referred to an RE early. I was on the “regular” TTC for the first 5 cycles we tried and have fallen off the Bump wagon, but feel the need to get back on.

After not getting my period for 6 months after BCP, it took me almost a year to become somewhat regular and actually ovulate. For the past year or so I’ve been cycling regularly and ovulate on my own, AMH over 6, and HSG confirmed tubes are open but I have a small uterine polyp.

For some reason I’ve always KNOWN I would end up needing help getting pregnant. I can’t explain it. I thought it would be because of me, there’s a lot of reasons as to why one would think that.

But the reason we are at this place now and why we are going into IVF is because of my husband. His SA came back with low everything. 12 mill per ml, 3% non progressive motility, and 4% morphology (with lots of anchepalic sperm).

As you can probably imagine, it’s the most bittersweet relief knowing that I’m basically, as the RE put it, a fertility goddess.

But why was it so much easier when I thought it was me who was the problem?

Now we’re faced with a few options:

Wait 74 days and do another SA (highly unlikely to be effective since he was already doing everything by the book lifestyle-wise for sperm health). And if his counts go up, try an IUI.
Go straight to IVF through our insurance, which is still going to be around $13k.
Since we’re spending money anyway, go find the best of the best IVF clinic.

I got progesterone supplements today and I will probably be ovulating within the next two days. We’re praying for a miracle and that my husband’s SA was a fluke, since there is nothing we can really do to improve his sperm quality, so hoping it will improve is harder than hoping it was a bad batch, if that makes any sense.

DH is still so relaxed about the whole thing and wants option #1. This makes me very resentful.

I’m so drained after years of knowing this was to come but wasting all my time thinking it was me, focusing on optimizing my body, getting familiar with everything that could be done to treat me. Now I’m in this unknown world of male factor infertility and I’m so lost.

I’m only 28 but I’ve wanted a baby since I was 18. I stuck to DH’s plan of waiting until we’re settled, done with school, in a house, etc. This adds to the resentment. Not because the problem turned out to be on his side, but because I KNEW there was something wrong and I should have listened to my intuition and pushed him to start sooner.

I know my “official” struggle hasn’t been long, and I don’t want to negate anyone else’s journey. But it feels like it’s been forever already, knowing something’s wrong, and now we’re just getting started.

Please, If I’ve triggered anyone or said something wrong, DM me and let me know kindly. Please don’t chastise me in front of everyone. Thank you.

I hope I can find support here and offer my support. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this. I hope I can make friends that are on similar journeys.

wishing-and-hoping · May 2018

@leafyarch I don't think you have offended anyone whatsoever. And I don't fault you at all for jumping in here at only 5 months TTC - I also was wanting to try for over a year before we were able to (due to an arthritis flare I was experiencing) so we went to an RE after only 6 months TTC. So sometimes, we know what we need before we actually know we need it. I'm sorry for what you're going through - navigating the emotions with our spouses can be so difficult. MH and I have wanted different things at different points in this journey, and that puts extra strain on. Ultimately, I think we have to focus on the fact that the goal we are both working towards is a baby, and hopefully we can work through the differences along the way. I am trying to get better about open communication because I think it's a requirement! I hope you are able to have an honest talk with YH about how you're feeling and what you want. I am hoping the best for you this cycle, hope you get the dream of a BFP and can put this behind you. Either way, you have found a good source of support for your journey.

mighty-mouse · May 2018

@leafyarch sorry to see you here but welcome. I had to laugh a little how much I can relate so some of the things in your post. I also sometimes feel guilty for feeling how I feel because I haven't been trying long enough to justify it, which is rediculous. Also I always knew we would have issues too for some reason.
How long would the wait be to start ivf? It may be a few months between signing up and actually starting treatment so u could still do option 1 while waiting for ivf to start and not lose any time?

mirabelle33 · May 2018

@leafyarch welcome, although I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you are hurting

I can tell you that we had originally pinpointed 2014 to start ttc, but because of a variety of reasons, were only able to start in early 2017! So I empathize with your desire to start sooner. But be kind to yourself and try not to get stuck in the past (I know this is easier said than done and in my case, I mostly blame myself). Strangely enough, I also had thoughts that this wouldn't be easy for us even before we began, though one thing I have learned from all of this is to expect the unexpected. I'm so sorry that you were blindsided by your DH's SA and I hope that the two of you can work through this together and find the right solution for you both. This is a great group of ladies to get support from on your journey.

ETA for clarity and typo

leafyarch · May 2018

Thank you all for your immensely kind and supportive welcomes.

@wishing-and-hoping I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels a bit “early”. I did have a heart-to-heart with DH last night and it’s rather fresh for him and he needs time to process. I’ve been sitting with the possibility of infertility for years and have reached a place of acceptance. He is still in the throes of getting the news with all applicable male ego blows, so I need to give him some time, I think.

@mighty-mouse thanks for that suggestion, I might just start researching and emailing clinics and use the time wisely in between. I don’t know how long the wait would be, and I should get on it. In the heap of emotions we’re going through right now we set this up as such a black and white thing, I viewed the 74 day wait as downtime when it doesn’t have to be. Thank you!

@mirabelle33 I’m surprised that you and @mighty-mouse both had that same suspicion as I did. Intuition can be a funny thing sometimes. And you hit the nail on the head with the blaming of oneself, I think self-forgiveness is going to be a big part of this journey. So much is out of our control, we can’t expect ourselves to always make the best or most correct decisions on the very few things we do control, not just because of the inconsistent and unknown variables around everything but also because we are human. ❤️

funkykey · May 2018

Welcome @leafyarch ! I'm sorry you find yourself here, but hope that you find support here. These boards have been so helpful for me during IF. Please feel free to join us in our weekly check-ins.

I was not offended at all, and I certainly don't think you've said anything wrong. T-TTC is a sensitive, difficult time for people, and everyone experiences pain and frustration at different points. For me, personally, some of the earlier parts were more difficult than the recent struggles I've had. Weirdly, I think my 8th month of TTC (before treatment), and even when I was benched between IUIs - those parts were harder for me than having my first FET fail. I'm pretty sure most of us on the board can relate - when you're going through this, you never know what part is going to be the hardest. We try to make this a safe space to share, and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

I imagine the MFI diagnosis was a shock to you both, and also that your husband is reeling. I totally related when you said that you felt like you've already been waiting. When we first TTC, after about a year, I was so angry - I felt like maybe if we'd started trying a year before or something, maybe we'd have found a good egg already. But now I feel like the timing didn't really matter. When you're under 35 - even under 37 - a year or two isn't going to make much difference. Like if you start trying to TTC when you're 28 and you have problems, you'd still have had those problems at 26 or 27. Or for me - the difference between 31 and 29 isn't that big, in the fertility world. And now that I'm having troubles, I'm really glad that I was settled before TTC. The treatments are financially draining, so I'm glad we're set up enough that we have options. I wouldn't have been able to do IVF when I was 25.

To me, tbh, it doesn't even actually seem like you've been TTC for 6 months. If you've been NTNP since November 2015, and you still haven't conceived, you've been at this for a long time. I'd be at the end of my rope too. I have faith that your husband will come around with a little time - a lot of men struggle for a bit when they receive an MFI diagnosis - so I'm hopeful for you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd want to proceed with option #2 or #3. As PP have said, sometimes finding the right clinic can take a couple of months, so maybe you can do option #1 in the meantime. You might also need time to have that polyp removed. I think you're right to want to move forward with IVF right away, given your diagnosis.

I'm also hoping you have a miracle and that you get pregnant this month. Would be nice if you don't have to worry about any of this.

Good luck!

mirabelle33 · May 2018

@leafyarch yes, intuition is very important in all of this! Before we started I just had a vague intuition of trouble, but when my cycle was only 24 days after our first month ttc, I knew for sure that something was wrong and immediately went to my OB! I knew this was weird because I was not on bcp for most of my 20's and always had a more "normal" cycle length. Anyway, since we had just started, she of course dismissed it and said that I was probably just ovulating early. Well, that was over a year ago and it turns out that my original intuition about my short cycles is indeed the problem (or at least one of the problems). As for self-forgiveness, that has been a major part of the process for me and I've been dealing with the guilt for some time now. It's very hard, but it does get better

I also agree with @funkykey that you've technically been trying for longer than 6 months if you were NTNP for two years before that. I would mention that to any doctor you see from here on out. GL!!

ChristenMA83 · May 2018

@leafyarch Hope you don't mind my jumping in (I'm still stalking this board

). We dealt with MFI and low numbers across the board with Morphology being the worst at 1%. Did your doctor do a DNA Fragmentation test in addition to DH's regular SA? When we did that, they found a lot of the sperm was getting damaged just sitting around, so while generally for IUI and IVF collection they have them abstain for a given period of time - they actually did the opposite with my husband to get the freshest sperm possible. Also DH took a fertilaid for men vitamin per the RE's recommendation. We still ended up the IVF route, but the numbers improved.

Intro that should have come much sooner (MFI, cancer)

Re: Intro that should have come much sooner (MFI, cancer)

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