I’m not sure how to start this post because I’m really hurting but I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I knew I would end up here in TTTC. But I ended up here for completely different reasons than I thought I would be.
Total thyroidectomy due to papillary thyroid cancer in 2007.
Dx’d with PCOS and disordered endometrium in 2016 (both Dx which RE has now retracted).
NTNP/charting since November 2015.
Actively TTC since November 2017.
Yeah I know it’s only been 6 months since we actively started trying, but due to my lack of thyroid, we got referred to an RE early. I was on the “regular” TTC for the first 5 cycles we tried and have fallen off the Bump wagon, but feel the need to get back on.
After not getting my period for 6 months after BCP, it took me almost a year to become somewhat regular and actually ovulate. For the past year or so I’ve been cycling regularly and ovulate on my own, AMH over 6, and HSG confirmed tubes are open but I have a small uterine polyp.
For some reason I’ve always KNOWN I would end up needing help getting pregnant. I can’t explain it. I thought it would be because of me, there’s a lot of reasons as to why one would think that.
But the reason we are at this place now and why we are going into IVF is because of my husband. His SA came back with low everything. 12 mill per ml, 3% non progressive motility, and 4% morphology (with lots of anchepalic sperm).
As you can probably imagine, it’s the most bittersweet relief knowing that I’m basically, as the RE put it, a fertility goddess.
But why was it so much easier when I thought it was me who was the problem?
Now we’re faced with a few options:
I got progesterone supplements today and I will probably be ovulating within the next two days. We’re praying for a miracle and that my husband’s SA was a fluke, since there is nothing we can really do to improve his sperm quality, so hoping it will improve is harder than hoping it was a bad batch, if that makes any sense.
DH is still so relaxed about the whole thing and wants option #1. This makes me very resentful.
I’m so drained after years of knowing this was to come but wasting all my time thinking it was me, focusing on optimizing my body, getting familiar with everything that could be done to treat me. Now I’m in this unknown world of male factor infertility and I’m so lost.
I’m only 28 but I’ve wanted a baby since I was 18. I stuck to DH’s plan of waiting until we’re settled, done with school, in a house, etc. This adds to the resentment. Not because the problem turned out to be on his side, but because I KNEW there was something wrong and I should have listened to my intuition and pushed him to start sooner.
I know my “official” struggle hasn’t been long, and I don’t want to negate anyone else’s journey. But it feels like it’s been forever already, knowing something’s wrong, and now we’re just getting started.
Please, If I’ve triggered anyone or said something wrong, DM me and let me know kindly. Please don’t chastise me in front of everyone. Thank you.
I hope I can find support here and offer my support. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this. I hope I can make friends that are on similar journeys.