Hi there.
I’m not sure how to start this post because I’m really hurting but I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I knew I would end up here in TTTC. But I ended up here for completely different reasons than I thought I would be.
Background:
Total thyroidectomy due to papillary thyroid cancer in 2007.
Dx’d with PCOS and disordered endometrium in 2016 (both Dx which RE has now retracted).
NTNP/charting since November 2015.
Actively TTC since November 2017.
Yeah I know it’s only been 6 months since we actively started trying, but due to my lack of thyroid, we got referred to an RE early. I was on the “regular” TTC for the first 5 cycles we tried and have fallen off the Bump wagon, but feel the need to get back on.
After not getting my period for 6 months after BCP, it took me almost a year to become somewhat regular and actually ovulate. For the past year or so I’ve been cycling regularly and ovulate on my own, AMH over 6, and HSG confirmed tubes are open but I have a small uterine polyp.
For some reason I’ve always KNOWN I would end up needing help getting pregnant. I can’t explain it. I thought it would be because of me, there’s a lot of reasons as to why one would think that.
But the reason we are at this place now and why we are going into IVF is because of my husband. His SA came back with low everything. 12 mill per ml, 3% non progressive motility, and 4% morphology (with lots of anchepalic sperm).
As you can probably imagine, it’s the most bittersweet relief knowing that I’m basically, as the RE put it, a fertility goddess.
But why was it so much easier when I thought it was me who was the problem?
Now we’re faced with a few options:
I got progesterone supplements today and I will probably be ovulating within the next two days. We’re praying for a miracle and that my husband’s SA was a fluke, since there is nothing we can really do to improve his sperm quality, so hoping it will improve is harder than hoping it was a bad batch, if that makes any sense.
DH is still so relaxed about the whole thing and wants option #1. This makes me very resentful.
I’m so drained after years of knowing this was to come but wasting all my time thinking it was me, focusing on optimizing my body, getting familiar with everything that could be done to treat me. Now I’m in this unknown world of male factor infertility and I’m so lost.
I’m only 28 but I’ve wanted a baby since I was 18. I stuck to DH’s plan of waiting until we’re settled, done with school, in a house, etc. This adds to the resentment. Not because the problem turned out to be on his side, but because I KNEW there was something wrong and I should have listened to my intuition and pushed him to start sooner.
I know my “official” struggle hasn’t been long, and I don’t want to negate anyone else’s journey. But it feels like it’s been forever already, knowing something’s wrong, and now we’re just getting started.
Please, If I’ve triggered anyone or said something wrong, DM me and let me know kindly. Please don’t chastise me in front of everyone. Thank you.
I hope I can find support here and offer my support. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this. I hope I can make friends that are on similar journeys.
Re: Intro that should have come much sooner (MFI, cancer)
TTC 21 cycles
All TI cycles BFN (with letrozole, ovidrel, prometrium)
Hysteroscopy + Polypectomy + D&C on 1/3
IUI #1 February 6, BFP 2/21, CP 2/26
IUI #2 March 14, BFN
IUI #3 April 11, BFN
IUI #4 May 11, BFN
July 2018 IVF, developed lead follicle, converted to TI, BFN
August/September 2018 IVF converted to freeze-all: 7 mature eggs; we fertilized 3 and froze 4. 3/3 fertilized and 1 blast!
October 2018 FET-BFN
November 2018 FET-TBD
How long would the wait be to start ivf? It may be a few months between signing up and actually starting treatment so u could still do option 1 while waiting for ivf to start and not lose any time?
ETA for clarity and typo
7 medicated cycles (see above) = BFN
@wishing-and-hoping I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels a bit “early”. I did have a heart-to-heart with DH last night and it’s rather fresh for him and he needs time to process. I’ve been sitting with the possibility of infertility for years and have reached a place of acceptance. He is still in the throes of getting the news with all applicable male ego blows, so I need to give him some time, I think.
@mighty-mouse thanks for that suggestion, I might just start researching and emailing clinics and use the time wisely in between. I don’t know how long the wait would be, and I should get on it. In the heap of emotions we’re going through right now we set this up as such a black and white thing, I viewed the 74 day wait as downtime when it doesn’t have to be. Thank you!
@mirabelle33 I’m surprised that you and @mighty-mouse both had that same suspicion as I did. Intuition can be a funny thing sometimes. And you hit the nail on the head with the blaming of oneself, I think self-forgiveness is going to be a big part of this journey. So much is out of our control, we can’t expect ourselves to always make the best or most correct decisions on the very few things we do control, not just because of the inconsistent and unknown variables around everything but also because we are human. ❤️
Married since 2012 dating since 2005.
Golden Retriever girls (8) and (3), orange feral rescue tabby (1).
Finally TTC#1 as of 11/2017!
Thryoidectomy 2007, PCOS, disordered proliferative endometrium.
I was not offended at all, and I certainly don't think you've said anything wrong. T-TTC is a sensitive, difficult time for people, and everyone experiences pain and frustration at different points. For me, personally, some of the earlier parts were more difficult than the recent struggles I've had. Weirdly, I think my 8th month of TTC (before treatment), and even when I was benched between IUIs - those parts were harder for me than having my first FET fail. I'm pretty sure most of us on the board can relate - when you're going through this, you never know what part is going to be the hardest. We try to make this a safe space to share, and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I imagine the MFI diagnosis was a shock to you both, and also that your husband is reeling. I totally related when you said that you felt like you've already been waiting. When we first TTC, after about a year, I was so angry - I felt like maybe if we'd started trying a year before or something, maybe we'd have found a good egg already. But now I feel like the timing didn't really matter. When you're under 35 - even under 37 - a year or two isn't going to make much difference. Like if you start trying to TTC when you're 28 and you have problems, you'd still have had those problems at 26 or 27. Or for me - the difference between 31 and 29 isn't that big, in the fertility world. And now that I'm having troubles, I'm really glad that I was settled before TTC. The treatments are financially draining, so I'm glad we're set up enough that we have options. I wouldn't have been able to do IVF when I was 25.
To me, tbh, it doesn't even actually seem like you've been TTC for 6 months. If you've been NTNP since November 2015, and you still haven't conceived, you've been at this for a long time. I'd be at the end of my rope too. I have faith that your husband will come around with a little time - a lot of men struggle for a bit when they receive an MFI diagnosis - so I'm hopeful for you.
If I were in your shoes, I'd want to proceed with option #2 or #3. As PP have said, sometimes finding the right clinic can take a couple of months, so maybe you can do option #1 in the meantime. You might also need time to have that polyp removed. I think you're right to want to move forward with IVF right away, given your diagnosis.
I'm also hoping you have a miracle and that you get pregnant this month. Would be nice if you don't have to worry about any of this.
Good luck!
I also agree with @funkykey that you've technically been trying for longer than 6 months if you were NTNP for two years before that. I would mention that to any doctor you see from here on out. GL!!
7 medicated cycles (see above) = BFN
TTC History in spoiler Instagram
Married Oct 2007
TTC Since Oct 2010 - MFI Diagnosis 2012 (Morphology 1% + High DNA Frag)
IUI x2 in 2012 - BFN
IVF #1 Feb 2018 - 9 Retrieved - 8 Mature - 5 Fertilized - 2 Snowbabies - no testing
FET#1 March 2018 - BFP - MMC May @ 10w4d
FET#2 July 2018 - BFN
IVF #2 Nov 2018 - 10 Retrieved - 10 Mature - 8 Fertilized - 2 Snowbabies - no testing