@msmonalisavito I don't have anything extra to add but wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this and hope we all can be an outlet for you to talk. Hugs.
@msmonalisavito I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I think all of the other ladies have covered everything. Even if you don’t want to do counseling with him, maybe it would help to go just for yourself so someone can help you process all of your feelings? I’m sending you so many hugs and hoping that whatever the outcome is, it’s what makes you happiest.
@msmonalisavito I’m just here to echo what the other girls said. I’ve learned from a friend who is working through a similar slip up with her husband that she’s willing to forgive him, but he also has to work for that forgiveness and show that he’s remorseful. Only you can decide the direction you want to go, but I also think counseling would be a huge help for you or both of you together. Hugs lady.
@msmonalisavito Even if you don’t want to do counseling with him, maybe it would help to go just for yourself so someone can help you process all of your feelings?
@msmonalisavito I don't have anything profound to add, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now.
@msmonalisavito I want to echo whoever recommended going to see someone on your own. My H made a bad decision at his bachelor party six weeks before our wedding last year (he didn't cheat, but he definitely crossed some lines and then made it worse lying and trying to cover it up - never try to lie to a lawyer!) and I don't think I could have gone through with the wedding without several weeks of intensive therapy, she helped me so much even during the first couple sessions. But I have noticed that being pregnant has dredged up some of those old trust issue bad feelings for me, especially since we are not currently having sex, and maybe that is the case for you as well? I really think talking to someone could help. I am so sorry you are dealing with these feelings while pregnant. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, I am really glad you shared with the group here. You aren't alone.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
Ohh @msmonalisavito I’m really sorry you’re going through this. All the ladies have given fantastic advice and I really do think counselling would be a good option. Even if it’s just you alone at first, i think it would be very healthy and cathartic for you to speak to someone IRL. In the meantime, we are here for you!!!! Huuuuge hugs!! No marriage is perfect, they all take work and when you throw life’s stresses into the mix it can be next to impossible to find time to sit down and figure out what the issues are. DH and I have had our fair share of ups and downs so I can relate. Also here if you want to PM me xoxoxo
Ohh @msmonalisavito I’m really sorry you’re going through this. All the ladies have given fantastic advice and I really do think counselling would be a good option. Even if it’s just you alone at first, i think it would be very healthy and cathartic for you to speak to someone IRL. In the meantime, we are here for you!!!! Huuuuge hugs!! No marriage is perfect, they all take work and when you throw life’s stresses into the mix it can be next to impossible to find time to sit down and figure out what the issues are. DH and I have had our fair share of ups and downs so I can relate. Also here if you want to PM me xoxoxo
@msmonalisavito big hugs. If by ‘slip up’ you mean infidelity I definitely encourage you to talk to someone if you never did - that stuff doesn’t just go away until you work through it imo.
We went through some very rough times earlier in our marriage, pre kids, and hand to god therapy saved our marriage, it may or may not save yours, but it won’t hurt and might gwlp you straighten out how you feel and help you gain clarity. The hormones of pregnancy can bring a lot of past stuff to the surface too, ime.
And to a a lesser degree, we’ve been in a huge funk basically this whole pregnancy. Stress, and some resentments (founded and not) on both out ends. Sucks. So I can relate to a degree right now too, it sucks not feeling really connected during pregnancy.
@msmonalisavito I just wanted to add that I’m also sending you big creepy hugs and agree that therapy would probably be your best option, if not with your husband but at least for you. I was having a rough patch with my DH over the summer and mostly I went to a therapist alone but then my DH would come for a few sessions and it really made a world of difference and while I wouldn’t say things were 100% fixed mostly because we haven’t had sex in a long time, things have improved
@msmonalisavito I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine having to walk on eggshells like that all the time. Sometimes when DH is really tired or stressed he can be like that and I hate it. Thankfully it's not that common for him. Sending creepy internet hugs.
April Siggy Challenge: April Showers
About me:
29 y/o Married 6.26.11 BFP 12.23.13, EDD 9.2.14 - baby girl, born too soon at 22w6d due to a placental abruption on 5.5.14 BFP 8.4.14, EDD 4.15.15 - rainbow son, born at 30w4d due to a placental abruption on 2.8.15, healthy 3 y/o now! BFP 2.28.17, EDD 11.8.17 - baby girl, miscarried at 11 weeks on 4.21.17 BFP 11.28.17, EDD 8.8.18, delivering in July - another rainbow baby boy!
@msmonalisavito I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I totally know where you are coming from with the walking on eggshells feeling, when there are stressful situations going on in our lives DH gets so moody and I feel like I don’t want to do anything to make him angry and start an argument. I can’t imagine feeling like that all the time. I think therapy alone is a wonderful idea and I hope it helps you process your feelings and figure out what you want going forward.
Most of you know my family are a bunch of selfish people who offer no comfort or support, and it's becoming increasingly distressing as time goes on. On Fridays I usually take my 92yo grandmother to her appointments, grocery shopping, errand running, and out to eat. My mom refuses to help do any of this, so it all falls on me. Grandma still refuses to even consider assisted living, or in-home care to help do any of this either. So I was with her from about 10:30 this morning to 4pm this afternoon, just trying to get through my day.
She knows I had a miscarriage last year because in a fit of anger over her complaining about a doctor bill that Medicare wouldn't pay, I let it fly that she has no room to complain about a $50 bill when she has money sitting in the bank, and that it's really insensitive of her when other people are legitimately struggling with medical bills. Then she started her usual Faux News ranting about welfare queens leeching off the system and I blurted out, "I'm sitting over here trying to figure out how to pay for a $3000 hospital bill for a miscarriage, do I look like a welfare queen to you?" Ever since she's been obsessed with my miscarriage, and I wish I'd never said anything.
So today at lunch she asked me, "Do you think you would have liked to have stayed pregnant? I think (husband's name) would like a baby."
Rolling my eyes, I'm thinking to myself, here we go again.
But I curtly answer, "I only knew I was pregnant for a few weeks before I lost it, so I have no idea. I try not to dwell on it."
She went quiet and ruminated on that for a bit, then said, "I don't even know why I'm asking, if you had a baby who's gonna take care of me? That's all that matters." then went straight back to eating and staring out the window.
Ugh. Pregnant life sucks because I can't drown my stress in alcohol, or wash it away in a scalding hot bath, or cleanse it from my life with an entire chocolate cake.
@neeraja_k my love it is a big hug. I think you’ve said you’ve kept your pregnancy from your grandma because she’s so self-centered. I can’t decide if I think she’d be better knowing you were pregnant or if it’s better she’s ignorant of the situation. Based off her last comment it sounds like she might be upset that the baby is going to come before her. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of that. Try and just be kind to yourself when you’re not around her. And take comfort from the fact that you aren’t anything like her and you’re going to provide a loving and understanding life for your child.
@scottishlass1213 She doesn't know I'm pregnant. I've never had any overt symptoms of being pregnant that she would ever pay attention to someone else long enough to notice. And at T-1 day till 20 weeks I am seriously not showing. I'm literally still wearing my same pre-pregnancy pants and shirts like no one's business. No HDBD for me.
@melbel0824 We've talked about the pros and cons of telling her that I'm pregnant, or when to tell her, and we feel it's still on the table as a "future tool" to get her to consider assisted living at this point. Because right now all of our efforts to illustrate to her how she isn't capable of living on her own anymore are going at a snail's pace in her brain. So my husband has told her of our intention to move back to Montana at some point, and wouldn't it be awful with no one to take care of her like we do. Because we all know my mom won't do jack with her, so we're trying to get her to understand that we care about her and want to make sure she's taken care of before we have to leave. And even that hasn't worked yet, she just tells us we're not allowed to move till she dies.
Her dementia and lack of general cognitive ability is getting noticeable to others now, not just family. Her hairdresser pulled me aside yesterday when I arrived back at the salon to pick her up to have a chat about just how "out of it" she was yesterday in the chair and that she was concerned. She was repeating conversations and questions, didn't know what day or time it was, didn't know where I was or why I left her there...even though I told her I had a quik errand to run and would be right back. I was literally across the street at the veterinarian's office and was gone for less than 10 minutes.
She had an episode over Easter weekend where she thought her stove/oven was possessed. She woke up to some random noise in the middle of the night, probably the ice maker in the fridge, and she came downstairs to see what it was. According to her the stove was on, all four burners, and it was so hot when she touched the stove top. Yet somehow she never burned herself doing all of this touching. Then when she opened the stove the "lights were dancing" and when she opened the microwave, the lights were dancing in there too. So in her quest to try to turn the stove/oven off, she actually turned everything on and lit a nearby hand towel on fire. All of this in the middle of the night.
When we brought her home from Easter dinner she was so frustrated with us, trying to convey that the stove top was still hot to the touch. Just to appease her and let her know it was okay both of us felt all over the stove, it was room temperature. But she kept freaking out about it burning the house down, and given the towel episode, my husband just shut the breaker off to it. She doesn't use it anyway because she can't see well enough to cook anything on her own anymore.
The sheer insanity of her conversation was extremely worrying. Again, we don't have the power to do anything for her own good, only my mom does. And when we convey these little episodes to her to illustrate grandma's increasingly worrying behavior, because she doesn't ever spend enough time with her to know, she just rolls her eyes, calls her a crazy bitch, and then goes right on ignoring the elephant in the room rather than doing something to address it. It's incredibly frustrating. Because when we leave, she's not going to take care of grandma adequately. Plus on the other hand, it'll be stressful to her too suddenly having to do everything when she's used to doing the bare minimum. So I think the assisted living thing would be beneficial for both of them. But that would require maturity and adult decisions, can't do that.
So I've been trying to play out the "what if we told her" conversations in my mind and thinking of ways the various scenarios could go, and none of them sound fun. There would be no happiness or joy for us. It'd just be more selfish panicking about who was going to take care of her, and more attempted guilt trips, and yeah. But we'll see. At this rate both of them have taught me how NOT to behave with my child, so there's that.
@neeraja_k my grandfather passed of dementia in November so I can’t imagine how your grandmother is still OK living alone, even with your support. That’s incredibly scary!
@neeraja_k I’m so sorry. Dementia was a awful. It takes lovely people and chanfesvthem - and with people who aren’t great to start with it’s probably even worse. My grandma suffered from Alzheimer’s for years prior to her death and it was just a horrible horrible way to go.
@neeraja_k ugh, I’m sorry you’re not really getting anywhere with trying to get her to agree to assisted living. Do you think if you told her now, maybe it would sink in before baby comes and you could get it take care of before August? Does your mom know you’re pregnant? I would hope that if she knew that and how busy you’re going to be with a newborn, she’d help out a little more with your grandmother.
Dementia/Alzheimers doesn't really run in my family, so this is my first time really experiencing this. I'm not even sure she would classify as a dementia patient officially, even though she's clearly showing signs of it to us. She has an uncanny ability to chameleon her way with a doctor to get what she wants. So it's hard to tell what's organically mental defect or what's prescription abuse defect at this point. But her brain is broken enough that cognitive therapies to deal with her depression/anxiety like therapy or whatever else psychological tools just don't work with her. She just wants a magic pill that makes it go away, and those just don't exist unfortunately. But it doesn't stop her doctor shopping and pill sourcing. So we have to lock all of her Rx's up now and dole out her lorazepam, otherwise she takes one or two and forgets, feels anxious, and will go for more. At least we got her off the hydrocodone, that made her a drooling zombie mess. But I think the damage is done at any rate. =/
@scottishlass1213 That sounds horrible. Denial is a horrible thing in addition to other maladies, because you refuse to accept the help that you really need, and also refuse to accept the help for those loved ones around you who are incapable of adequately caring for you. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.
@pghctwife A good friend of mine, her grandmother had Alzheimers while we were in high school, and it made her so mean. I just can't even imagine having your loving, caring grandmother taken from you in the first place, but having them changed so fundamentally that she was essentially body-swapped with an abusive drunk. They struggled with her and home-health care for the 2 years she had it before finally passing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, such a horrible way to go. I think that's one of the things that Grey's Anatomy did really well with, Meredith's mom and her portrayal of Alzheimers.
@mrs_drc_rn My mom knows. I feel like I should have just kept it to myself with her as well. But it is what it is now. My husband had "the talk" with my mom over Easter weekend, letting her know that at some point I'm going to be physically and emotionally incapable of taking care of grandma, and that she's going to have to step up and do a lot of the things I do. Because I'm already stressed out from our weekly dealings. Then when I get heavily pregnant in the heat of the summer I'm certainly not going to feel like doing it. And that I'm certainly not going to do much of it with a newborn to pack around.
According to him, she was all on board with it and was going to start doing it independently. But when I was sick all last week (seriously, a regular cold leaves me feeling near death, lol) and I asked if she could go get grandma's groceries for the week, because I didn't want to pass this virus to grandma or anyone else. It was something pretty simple I thought, to get her used to it. It was even a light grocery week, so nothing too stressful like having to go to Walmart for things only they carry in this damn town. Nope, she was too busy cleaning out her flower beds and refused to do it.
But that's what he wants to do, tell her soon, to heavily nudge her. Try to get her to do the daycare option for the assisted living place here in town within the next few weeks, and if she's still resistant, tell her that I'm going to have a baby come August, and it's either go to the assisted living place or deal with mom's level of care, and see how that goes.
The daycare option they have is $12/hr, it's incredibly flexible and reasonable for all you get with it. She just refuses to go and try it. I think once I'm over this cold once and for all I'm going to talk with the coordinator for it, get some more details and see about scheduling her for a couple of days a week whether she likes it or not. She's so miserable and lonely in the house alone, she's driven most of her friends away with her constant complaining and whining about her physical ailments. Not to mention physically incapable of making a meal for herself, or remembering to bathe without reminders from us, that something has to give. She's so worried about what'll happen to all of her "stuff" that it's going to be the death of her at this point.
Thanks for letting me ramble on about it. I literally have no outlet for all of the frustrations it gives me, with my best friend going off the deep end with her own drama and no other family willing to help or even listen. I think I'd go nuts if I couldn't cathartically type it all out here.
@scottishlass1213 If I didn't help my grandmother, I doubt mom would do much more than she does now. They get on like oil and water. Grandma is a whiny mess, while my mom is self-sufficient to a fault and has zero patience for people who don't even try. So she's nothing but mean to her when they're together.
My guess is that mom would just assume that either of grandmother's weekly house cleaners or her neighbors would pick up the slack somehow and do it. They will sometimes get her groceries if she bugs them enough about not having bread or kleenexes or stuff like that before I can get to the store. But it's gotten to the point that her two closest neighbors literally hide from her anymore.
So DS also invited my sister over to spend the night and she’s a pretty terrible Aunt and probably sees him like once every 3 months. She doesn’t want to come because she’s tired from being out all morning. Are you effing kidding me?!? My mom wonders why my sister isn’t and won’t be a godmother.
@neeraja_k I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. It’s incredibly unfair to you that you must carry the burden of being caretaker, especially if your mom knows you are pregnant.
I think I would come clean with your grandma and let her know that in a few months, you won’t be able to help her out and that she should look into assisted living communities. If she refuses, then she’s aware she may be on her own or have to adjust to the care your mom can provide.
@neeraja_k Man what a sucky situation. Sorry you're stuck in it. Maybe you mentioned this, but have you guys looked into hiring a care giver to come to her home on the day you would normally? I have no idea how much that is, but that's what my grandma had. Like an hourly nurse or help once a week? You could just tell your grandma "Next week, someone else will be helping you with all of this." Then just dont' show up again and let the in home helper take care of it. It might be cost prohibitive (prob more than 12$/hr) but maybe she'd see you're just not able to help her anymore.
@hezzer78 lol...We tried that last summer when we were going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation across the country. Because mom doesn't help out and grandma's one last friend was in the hospital at that time, she had no one to take her to her many appointments or errands throughout the week.
The lady we were assigned from the home health care service was super nice and helpful. But she only lasted the one first day before grandma called to cancel the service in a fury. She didn't even give the lady a chance! She'd already made up her mind from the get go that it was too expensive, she didn't need it, and that the lady was "rude to her". After she picked her up from her physical therapy appointment that first day they were going to go grocery shopping. Grandma refused to get out of the car to grocery shop with the lady, and by company rules the lady was prohibited from letting grandma sit in a hot car in a parking lot in the middle of July while she grocery shopped. So she took her home, sans groceries, and cleaned up the kitchen instead.
Of course it was $23/hr, but for 4 hours a week for the couple of weeks while we were going to be gone? She has enough money to pay for that and then some.
We live in a rural area and choices for "in-home health care" are just so limited. Plus she's so tight with her money anymore that she doesn't know a valuable and worthwhile service when it's staring her in the face. As we found out last year Medicare doesn't pay for it unless certain conditions are met, so it's all out of pocket.
She refuses to pay her house cleaners more than $9/hr as it is and then wonders why she can't get ones that actually clean anything. Then complains that no one wants to work anymore. There's lots of people that want to work, but they don't want to work or put up with your insane bullshit that isn't house cleaning for peanuts. It's not 1950 anymore. She wants people to take care of her in her home, so it's either house keepers that end up doing everything but clean, or nurses that don't clean or do anything else. Right now she's got her house cleaners making appointments, finding things, fixing things, and all sorts of other things that take away from the actual house cleaning.
And just to illustrate how my family dys-functions, I was just in the kitchen up to my armpits putting meat away, and the phone rings. My husband answers is and it's my mom.
She said, "Let me speak to the kid". (More proof I'm never an adult in her eyes.) He replies, "She's busy right now, what's up?" She replies, "Let me speak to the kid, this'll only take a minute." He again replies, "She's busy, tell me what you want to say and I'll go tell her." And....in her most mature fashion, hung up on him.
@neeraja_k have you tried contacting your towns special services? They were indispensable for my mom when my grandma was in the in between early stage, still living independently (with my grandpa who wasn’t dementia but had physical health issues from rheumatoid arthritis), in getting them qualified for help and navigating how to get them in a home. Might be worth inquiring.
And yes... it was especially hard on my mom seeing her beloved mother disappear while still alive. Awful awful. They did test my grandma and confirmed Alzheimer’s (its a brain test for its done post mortem). My mom has said that she wants us to use a pillow on her before she gets to that point... morbid but honestly. I can’t imgaine how awful it is to lose yourself like that too, and you don’t want your loved ones to go through it.
I'm adding to my earlier BF. So I registered a complaint about this co-worker. I have the paper work from both this complaint (for both instances) and for the complaint I did back in October (similar instance, but she was flat wrong about the dress code that she yelled at me about). Well, my principal isn't interested in doing anything. Not talking to me about it, talking to her, having us work anything out, nothing. So now I am having panic/anxiety attacks when I'm getting out of my car because she isn't being dealt with, and she is going out of her way to find me everywhere. In front of students, other teachers, parents, and even in front of our admins.
I am trying to get up the nerve to go file with our district. If that doesn't work I have it all documented and will take it to a lawyer.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@princesslockness Sheesh! I couldn't believe her comments to you when you were "subbing" in the office for your prep period. That's just nuts! If your principal isn't willing to step up to bat to get this shit squashed, I'd totally take it higher up. Teaching is hard enough work without having to navigate a minefield of hostile co-workers in addition to that.
@neeraja_k I'm trying to go through every avenue in my building before escalating it to district, but it will happen if its not taken care of. There is no reason I should feel like I have to switch districts to be safe from her.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Re: Weekly BitchFest starting 4/2
As for me, I think I could benefit from counseling on my own. I will look into that this weekend for sure.
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
Ohh @msmonalisavito I’m really sorry you’re going through this. All the ladies have given fantastic advice and I really do think counselling would be a good option. Even if it’s just you alone at first,
i think it would be very healthy and cathartic for you to speak to someone IRL. In the meantime, we are here for you!!!! Huuuuge hugs!! No marriage is perfect, they all take work and when you throw life’s stresses into the mix it can be next to impossible to find time to sit down and figure out what the issues are. DH and I have had our fair share of ups and downs so I can relate. Also here if you want to PM me xoxoxo
i think it would be very healthy and cathartic for you to speak to someone IRL. In the meantime, we are here for you!!!! Huuuuge hugs!! No marriage is perfect, they all take work and when you throw life’s stresses into the mix it can be next to impossible to find time to sit down and figure out what the issues are. DH and I have had our fair share of ups and downs so I can relate. Also here if you want to PM me xoxoxo
We went through some very rough times earlier in our marriage, pre kids, and hand to god therapy saved our marriage, it may or may not save yours, but it won’t hurt and might gwlp you straighten out how you feel and help you gain clarity. The hormones of pregnancy can bring a lot of past stuff to the surface too, ime.
And to a a lesser degree, we’ve been in a huge funk basically this whole pregnancy. Stress, and some resentments (founded and not) on both out ends. Sucks. So I can relate to a degree right now too, it sucks not feeling really connected during pregnancy.
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
About me:
Married 6.26.11
BFP 12.23.13, EDD 9.2.14 - baby girl, born too soon at 22w6d due to a placental abruption on 5.5.14
BFP 8.4.14, EDD 4.15.15 - rainbow son, born at 30w4d due to a placental abruption on 2.8.15, healthy 3 y/o now!
BFP 2.28.17, EDD 11.8.17 - baby girl, miscarried at 11 weeks on 4.21.17
BFP 11.28.17, EDD 8.8.18, delivering in July - another rainbow baby boy!
She knows I had a miscarriage last year because in a fit of anger over her complaining about a doctor bill that Medicare wouldn't pay, I let it fly that she has no room to complain about a $50 bill when she has money sitting in the bank, and that it's really insensitive of her when other people are legitimately struggling with medical bills. Then she started her usual Faux News ranting about welfare queens leeching off the system and I blurted out, "I'm sitting over here trying to figure out how to pay for a $3000 hospital bill for a miscarriage, do I look like a welfare queen to you?" Ever since she's been obsessed with my miscarriage, and I wish I'd never said anything.
So today at lunch she asked me, "Do you think you would have liked to have stayed pregnant? I think (husband's name) would like a baby."
Rolling my eyes, I'm thinking to myself, here we go again.
But I curtly answer, "I only knew I was pregnant for a few weeks before I lost it, so I have no idea. I try not to dwell on it."
She went quiet and ruminated on that for a bit, then said, "I don't even know why I'm asking, if you had a baby who's gonna take care of me? That's all that matters." then went straight back to eating and staring out the window.
Ugh. Pregnant life sucks because I can't drown my stress in alcohol, or wash it away in a scalding hot bath, or cleanse it from my life with an entire chocolate cake.
@melbel0824 We've talked about the pros and cons of telling her that I'm pregnant, or when to tell her, and we feel it's still on the table as a "future tool" to get her to consider assisted living at this point. Because right now all of our efforts to illustrate to her how she isn't capable of living on her own anymore are going at a snail's pace in her brain. So my husband has told her of our intention to move back to Montana at some point, and wouldn't it be awful with no one to take care of her like we do. Because we all know my mom won't do jack with her, so we're trying to get her to understand that we care about her and want to make sure she's taken care of before we have to leave. And even that hasn't worked yet, she just tells us we're not allowed to move till she dies.
Her dementia and lack of general cognitive ability is getting noticeable to others now, not just family. Her hairdresser pulled me aside yesterday when I arrived back at the salon to pick her up to have a chat about just how "out of it" she was yesterday in the chair and that she was concerned. She was repeating conversations and questions, didn't know what day or time it was, didn't know where I was or why I left her there...even though I told her I had a quik errand to run and would be right back. I was literally across the street at the veterinarian's office and was gone for less than 10 minutes.
She had an episode over Easter weekend where she thought her stove/oven was possessed. She woke up to some random noise in the middle of the night, probably the ice maker in the fridge, and she came downstairs to see what it was. According to her the stove was on, all four burners, and it was so hot when she touched the stove top. Yet somehow she never burned herself doing all of this touching. Then when she opened the stove the "lights were dancing" and when she opened the microwave, the lights were dancing in there too. So in her quest to try to turn the stove/oven off, she actually turned everything on and lit a nearby hand towel on fire. All of this in the middle of the night.
When we brought her home from Easter dinner she was so frustrated with us, trying to convey that the stove top was still hot to the touch. Just to appease her and let her know it was okay both of us felt all over the stove, it was room temperature. But she kept freaking out about it burning the house down, and given the towel episode, my husband just shut the breaker off to it. She doesn't use it anyway because she can't see well enough to cook anything on her own anymore.
The sheer insanity of her conversation was extremely worrying. Again, we don't have the power to do anything for her own good, only my mom does. And when we convey these little episodes to her to illustrate grandma's increasingly worrying behavior, because she doesn't ever spend enough time with her to know, she just rolls her eyes, calls her a crazy bitch, and then goes right on ignoring the elephant in the room rather than doing something to address it. It's incredibly frustrating. Because when we leave, she's not going to take care of grandma adequately. Plus on the other hand, it'll be stressful to her too suddenly having to do everything when she's used to doing the bare minimum. So I think the assisted living thing would be beneficial for both of them. But that would require maturity and adult decisions, can't do that.
So I've been trying to play out the "what if we told her" conversations in my mind and thinking of ways the various scenarios could go, and none of them sound fun. There would be no happiness or joy for us. It'd just be more selfish panicking about who was going to take care of her, and more attempted guilt trips, and yeah. But we'll see. At this rate both of them have taught me how NOT to behave with my child, so there's that.
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
@scottishlass1213 That sounds horrible. Denial is a horrible thing in addition to other maladies, because you refuse to accept the help that you really need, and also refuse to accept the help for those loved ones around you who are incapable of adequately caring for you. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.
@pghctwife A good friend of mine, her grandmother had Alzheimers while we were in high school, and it made her so mean. I just can't even imagine having your loving, caring grandmother taken from you in the first place, but having them changed so fundamentally that she was essentially body-swapped with an abusive drunk. They struggled with her and home-health care for the 2 years she had it before finally passing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, such a horrible way to go. I think that's one of the things that Grey's Anatomy did really well with, Meredith's mom and her portrayal of Alzheimers.
@mrs_drc_rn My mom knows. I feel like I should have just kept it to myself with her as well. But it is what it is now. My husband had "the talk" with my mom over Easter weekend, letting her know that at some point I'm going to be physically and emotionally incapable of taking care of grandma, and that she's going to have to step up and do a lot of the things I do. Because I'm already stressed out from our weekly dealings. Then when I get heavily pregnant in the heat of the summer I'm certainly not going to feel like doing it. And that I'm certainly not going to do much of it with a newborn to pack around.
According to him, she was all on board with it and was going to start doing it independently. But when I was sick all last week (seriously, a regular cold leaves me feeling near death, lol) and I asked if she could go get grandma's groceries for the week, because I didn't want to pass this virus to grandma or anyone else. It was something pretty simple I thought, to get her used to it. It was even a light grocery week, so nothing too stressful like having to go to Walmart for things only they carry in this damn town. Nope, she was too busy cleaning out her flower beds and refused to do it.
But that's what he wants to do, tell her soon, to heavily nudge her. Try to get her to do the daycare option for the assisted living place here in town within the next few weeks, and if she's still resistant, tell her that I'm going to have a baby come August, and it's either go to the assisted living place or deal with mom's level of care, and see how that goes.
The daycare option they have is $12/hr, it's incredibly flexible and reasonable for all you get with it. She just refuses to go and try it. I think once I'm over this cold once and for all I'm going to talk with the coordinator for it, get some more details and see about scheduling her for a couple of days a week whether she likes it or not. She's so miserable and lonely in the house alone, she's driven most of her friends away with her constant complaining and whining about her physical ailments. Not to mention physically incapable of making a meal for herself, or remembering to bathe without reminders from us, that something has to give. She's so worried about what'll happen to all of her "stuff" that it's going to be the death of her at this point.
Thanks for letting me ramble on about it. I literally have no outlet for all of the frustrations it gives me, with my best friend going off the deep end with her own drama and no other family willing to help or even listen. I think I'd go nuts if I couldn't cathartically type it all out here.
My guess is that mom would just assume that either of grandmother's weekly house cleaners or her neighbors would pick up the slack somehow and do it. They will sometimes get her groceries if she bugs them enough about not having bread or kleenexes or stuff like that before I can get to the store. But it's gotten to the point that her two closest neighbors literally hide from her anymore.
So DS also invited my sister over to spend the night and she’s a pretty terrible Aunt and probably sees him like once every 3 months. She doesn’t want to come because she’s tired from being out all morning. Are you effing kidding me?!? My mom wonders why my sister isn’t and won’t be a godmother.
I think I would come clean with your grandma and let her know that in a few months, you won’t be able to help her out and that she should look into assisted living communities. If she refuses, then she’s aware she may be on her own or have to adjust to the care your mom can provide.
Im sorry you have to deal with this stress.
The lady we were assigned from the home health care service was super nice and helpful. But she only lasted the one first day before grandma called to cancel the service in a fury. She didn't even give the lady a chance! She'd already made up her mind from the get go that it was too expensive, she didn't need it, and that the lady was "rude to her". After she picked her up from her physical therapy appointment that first day they were going to go grocery shopping. Grandma refused to get out of the car to grocery shop with the lady, and by company rules the lady was prohibited from letting grandma sit in a hot car in a parking lot in the middle of July while she grocery shopped. So she took her home, sans groceries, and cleaned up the kitchen instead.
Of course it was $23/hr, but for 4 hours a week for the couple of weeks while we were going to be gone? She has enough money to pay for that and then some.
We live in a rural area and choices for "in-home health care" are just so limited. Plus she's so tight with her money anymore that she doesn't know a valuable and worthwhile service when it's staring her in the face. As we found out last year Medicare doesn't pay for it unless certain conditions are met, so it's all out of pocket.
She refuses to pay her house cleaners more than $9/hr as it is and then wonders why she can't get ones that actually clean anything. Then complains that no one wants to work anymore. There's lots of people that want to work, but they don't want to work or put up with your insane bullshit that isn't house cleaning for peanuts. It's not 1950 anymore. She wants people to take care of her in her home, so it's either house keepers that end up doing everything but clean, or nurses that don't clean or do anything else. Right now she's got her house cleaners making appointments, finding things, fixing things, and all sorts of other things that take away from the actual house cleaning.
And just to illustrate how my family dys-functions, I was just in the kitchen up to my armpits putting meat away, and the phone rings. My husband answers is and it's my mom.
She said, "Let me speak to the kid". (More proof I'm never an adult in her eyes.)
He replies, "She's busy right now, what's up?"
She replies, "Let me speak to the kid, this'll only take a minute."
He again replies, "She's busy, tell me what you want to say and I'll go tell her."
And....in her most mature fashion, hung up on him.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
And yes... it was especially hard on my mom seeing her beloved mother disappear while still alive. Awful awful. They did test my grandma and confirmed Alzheimer’s (its a brain test for its done post mortem). My mom has said that she wants us to use a pillow on her before she gets to that point... morbid but honestly. I can’t imgaine how awful it is to lose yourself like that too, and you don’t want your loved ones to go through it.
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
And i I got a warning on my FB birth group for saying GOOD GRIEF.
FFS
I am trying to get up the nerve to go file with our district. If that doesn't work I have it all documented and will take it to a lawyer.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.