@ecwk That is my position too. I can't say what I would or wouldn't do, because I (thankfully) haven't been in that situation. I can say that whatever decision I did make though would be terribly difficult, for both me and my husband.
OH I have one. I hate kid name hashtags. I have an acquaintance who hashtags all of her pictures with her kids in them #tommy1201 and whatever her daughter one is. SO STUPID.
Actually I think I just hate hashtags in general.
hmm this is interesting! I use them and never thought about it. I don't use a bunch but the moms from my January 2014 bump board have a hashtag for our J14 kids and one for their siblings, which I use so we can all look at each other's behbehs (though I follow them all already anyway). I have one for each kid and one for pics of them together. I just figured one day it would help me find pics of just them, or just them together, more readily. Maybe I will never use it for that though and maybe it is silly, never really thought about it. I am not a big hashtag user otherwise though, I sideeye people who post like 20 lines of hashtags. I have also seen some really witty friends do fairly funny ones sometimes.
Interesting UO , I like when they are ones I haven't thought of our heard!
@alinafed I know exactly what you mean. DS2 (3yo) told me yesterday his teacher was calling him a baby for asking to poop in a diaper instead of in the potty. I flipped my shit and emailed her immediately asking what happened because we are struggling so much with this that he's holding in his poop instead of pooping in a diaper because he knows he should be going in the potty and I was livid that she would possibly be shaming him for it. She responded that during nap time he wanted to be snuggled so she laid with him and said she misses cuddling with her baby this way, referring to her actual child. Obviously his little 3yo mind presented his crazy mom with this baby comment the completely wrong way and it was a huge misunderstanding. Even when kids can talk they may not be correctly expressing events or conversations and that can almost make things worse!
@melprop ... and I know your grandparents just knew they didnt do anything wrong.
My sister has a heart condition so she only works 3 days/week. She is the only one who has offered to watch our child while we work. The thing is that I don't even trust her to petsit my dog lolbs We tried it w/my Border Collie and I had to pick her up 15 minutes later.
When I originally posted here I felt like I only had one choice, which was to SAH. With that being said, I'm eternally grateful that so many people have shared their views on finding a daycare provider, great experiences with daycare, and not-so-great experiences with family. I'm learning bigtime!
@jsnakehole I'm 100% with you on your reaction to that post. I'll have to put my kid in daycare because I don't have a choice about going back to work. But more than that, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to work. @satin_doll I don't think you were being intentionally judgmental, but it did come off that way to me, at least.
My UO is I actually love the wedding hashtags and I'm sad they became a thing after I got married.
@legallykate I 100% agree. I should be getting my results today, and I am "low-risk" but if there is a chromosomal abnormality I will terminate. It's why I chose to do the NIPT testing before the 20 week US. It will be awful if I have to deal with that at this point, but I think it is the better long term option for my family.
Me:32 DH:45 DSD: 20 DSS: 18 Team green baby due: Aug 6th, 2018
Okay, this may be super controversial but here goes: I would almost certainly terminate my pregnancy if there is a genetic issue (after we have confirmed any positive NIPT results through an amnio or otherwise). I am surprised by how many people I have seen say they would never even consider it no matter the results of screening/testing. Aside from those with strong religious convictions (I am not religious, but I respect those who are), I don't really get it.
Regardless of what the genetic issue is? Even though an amnio isn’t 100% accurate? I personally don’t think you should make a blanket statement either way. There is a huge difference between conditions that aren’t compatible with life and and you know the baby won’t survive as conditions such as Down Syndrome or Turner’s Syndrome where they could very well lead long, productive, relatively healthy lives. Frankly, I think termination in those cases is modern eugenics, and I certainly don’t mind saying I have some serious moral issues with it, despite the fact that I don’t think abortion should be restricted. Philosophically I think we should start considering if we could screen a fetus for things like autism, ADHD, schizophrenia, what would we do? I’m not saying I have all the answers, I just think there are a lot of moral questions involved that don’t make this a simple either/or discussion.
@derbysquirrel FX for your results today, keep us posted! I should have mine by now but the lab effed up my original blood draw last Thursday so when Counsyl got it last Friday they couldn't test it, and for some reason they have not yet received my blood draw from Monday. It is making me stabby.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
I wasn't going to open this up, but since it came up I'll jump in on it.
@legallykate I can understand your point, I don't agree 100%. If it was an 'incompatible with life/you will have a still birth/dead within hours or days of birth' Then I 100% agree. If its just 'your kid will need 1-to-1 help, might not ever be able to live on their own, then I seriously disagree. I feel like the 2nd circumstance is too much like a genocide or similar to WWII happening. It might only be 1 baby here and there, but it is still targeting a type of person who could live outside the womb.
I have been put in a super awkward position as depending on results of the MFM consult Tuesday, I might have to choose between my 2 outside LOs and this LO. If I have to go on bedrest, my family won't survive financially. My kids wouldn't understand why Mama isn't fun anymore, and my mental health would be gone. Its never a comfortable place, but I strongly feel that there is a difference and even if its not a religious one it should be a human moral one.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
My fetus has a first name, but I don't know what it is yet. We have a boy name and a girl name, but until it's born and we know the sex I don't know which we'll use. I just call it "the fetus." Sometimes I wish I had a better way to refer to it, but this is working for now.
Yes, this is the only downside to not finding out the sex before he/she is born. We waited with DS and we'll wait with this one, but referring to the baby becomes awkward. Occasionally I accidentally say 'it' and then gag on my words. SO's last name starts with Mc, so we called DS 'Baby Mc' and have picked that up again this time. Sometimes I refer to this one as Baby Mc2. But, MIL says McBaby, which makes me think of my baby as a hamburger and kind of makes me cringe sometimes.
I think I’ve posted the long version before but I’ll try to summarize.
With my third, we were screened as high risk and she showed markers on the anatomy scan for downs. I refused invasive testing because it can be fatal. We just waited and prayed. More than one doctor encouraged termination. I changed doctors until I found one that would cut that nonsense out.
We were prepared at birth. Specialists on hand. To be quite honest, I let myself forget about it. And just focus on being excited the baby coming. My doctor told me to get excited. She was wonderful.
She was born 100% healthy. Perfect. Not a thing wrong. I would have loved her either way but it broke my heart to think many would have terminated because the doctors said to.
@derbysquirrel give your baby a sex-neutral nickname! We called DS "Peanut" until he was born, even though we had his name picked out at 10w. This little one is "Gummy Bear" because that's what they looked like in the U/S. Even once we pick a name, LO will be Gummy Bear until they actually come into the world.
@livinthesunnylife I was totally about to say the same thing. This LO has been baby bean since I found out so that'll probably stick until birth. DS2 was nugget and to this day I still call him that haha
@legallykate I disagree and completely understand my decision, but it just comes down to a morality decision for me. I'm probably one of the more informed people about what can go wrong (I've done more than my fair share of fetal, stillborn, and infant autopsies), but personally I would never terminate. I think it's a personal decision. I'm not saying I would undergo lifesaving measures or anything at birth for something known to be terminal, but I just couldn't ever see myself terminating ahead of time. I am also not doing NIPT partly because of that.
On a lighter nore, my UO is that I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine at all! Maybe that will change as my appetite comes back more, but the idea or coffee, tea, beer, or wine doesn't appeal to me at all at this point. And I was a decent consumer of all of the above before TTGP.
I wasn't going to open this up, but since it came up I'll jump in on it.
@legallykate I can understand your point, I don't agree 100%. If it was an 'incompatible with life/you will have a still birth/dead within hours or days of birth' Then I 100% agree. If its just 'your kid will need 1-to-1 help, might not ever be able to live on their own, then I seriously disagree. I feel like the 2nd circumstance is too much like a genocide or similar to WWII happening. It might only be 1 baby here and there, but it is still targeting a type of person who could live outside the womb.
I have been put in a super awkward position as depending on results of the MFM consult Tuesday, I might have to choose between my 2 outside LOs and this LO. If I have to go on bedrest, my family won't survive financially. My kids wouldn't understand why Mama isn't fun anymore, and my mental health would be gone. Its never a comfortable place, but I strongly feel that there is a difference and even if its not a religious one it should be a human moral one.
That's really hard, I am so sorry you are potentially facing that. All the things crossed for you for Tuesday. And I appreciate your perspective.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
@doctormom33 I don't have an aversion as such to coffee but each day I have been buying it as usual and drinking it less and less. Today I didn't even drink it at all, what a waste! I used to love it so much!
On a lighter nore, my UO is that I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine at all! Maybe that will change as my appetite comes back more, but the idea or coffee, tea, beer, or wine doesn't appeal to me at all at this point. And I was a decent consumer of all of the above before TTGP.
Wine doesn't currently appeal to me taste-wise, but I for sure miss the relaxation of having a glass (or two) at the end of a stressful day.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
@doctormom33 I don't have an aversion as such to coffee but each day I have been buying it as usual and drinking it less and less. Today I didn't even drink it at all, what a waste! I used to love it so much!
OMG I could have written this myself!!! I make my coffee every morning and I have to have like pep talks with myself to drink it. Why am I trying to so hard? It almost feels like a break up. Sorry coffee, it's not you, it's me.
@legallykate I support and am in full agreement with you on your decision. We haven't had our NIPT yet, and just thinking about the possibilities, worries me. The fact that so far this pregnancy has been going so well and I'm so itchy to tell family and friends, it would be utterly disappointing. So that's the main reason I haven't announced to anyone, or even really acknowledged the pregnancy to myself (like buying any baby stuff). I want to get past all of the miscarriage risks of the first 12 weeks and I want to ensure there's something worth announcing, otherwise no one will know I was ever pregnant.
For my husband and I personally, with our age (both 38), our somewhat stable finances, our potential cross-country move and starting over, our pragmatic natures, and the fact that we only want one child, and only really want one shot at this, we've already agreed on the decision to terminate if anything abnormal comes up on the NIPT (and is confirmed via CVS/amnio). And it will be an agonizing decision, rest assured. But neither of us want a special needs child. Bless those parents who are willing to take on the extra expense, extra care, extra everything really. But it's not for us, and honestly that's all that matters imho.
The baby name before they are born - I get referring to the baby between you, DH, maybe even family, but a friend of ours signed the baby's name on their Christmas card a few years ago and she wasn't due until March. it was like Love, wife, husband, kid #1 and unborn child's name. I thought it was so weird! Although we had our name picked out for DS, we didn't get anything monogrammed, didn't tell anyone, because we knew there was a chance we could change our minds. It'll be the same way with this one. We called DS Baby G (last name starts with G) and it just kind of stuck. This one hasn't really been given a nickname yet??
@jsnakehole others have said the same thing, but there are plenty of working moms here to support you along the way! I know I'm not cut out to be a SAHM, but going back to work was still extremely difficult. Now at 2.5, DS loves activities, he's so smart, good around other kids and adults, and he loves school!
My UO is the same as @westphilly - I know I don't have the patience, structure, creativeness or ability to be with my toddler all day every day. It's hard being a working mom some days, but he is learning far more at his daycare/school than I could ever teach him during the day. It makes our nights and weekends that much more special to me though. I have friends IRL and from my other BMB who are SAHM and they seriously rock and I admire them, I just know it isn't for me.
I'm not at all religious. But fate has been extremely generous to me and I'm thankful. And in my head if fate decides we are the right family to place a child that may have some sort of additional needs, then I'm up for it. My decision would be based on the certainty of the information and the quality of life that would be available for the child. You can have a perfectly healthy child at birth that has a traumatic injury later in life. There are no guarantees. You just don't know when you take the responsibility of being a parent what the road ahead may hold. I'm up for it.
I feel the same way, @legallykate. I've done internships with children with severe special needs, and it was so emotionally draining on me that I decided to specialize in the other end of the spectrum (gifted children) for my career. Obviously it would be heart-wrenching, and I'd only make a decision after tons of testing. But I just know I don't have the emotional fortitude to handle a child with severe special needs. I couldn't do it.
Me: 28 DH: 29 Married: 6/2016 TTC #1: 12/2016 Benched due to deployment- Off the bench 8/8/17!
My other UO is kind of silly, but I do no like Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, vampire anything (including Twilight) and do not really understand the craze with all of it.
My other UO is kind of silly, but I do no like Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, vampire anything (including Twilight) and do not really understand the craze with all of it.
I felt the exact same way (minus twilight cuz...twilight) but my SO "made" me watch GoT with him when we first started dating and I got SO hooked. I was dead set on hating it but it turned out to be so much better than I expected.
@neeraja_k you do realize you could still end up with a special needs child even if they don’t have a testable genetic condition, right? Of course no one want their child to have problems and struggles, but there are no guanartees of anything. Frankly, I think people who aren’t willing to risk that shouldn’t have a child at all. What would you do if your child ended up with severe, low functioning autism? What if they sustain a severe brain injury at some point in their life?
It really does seriously upset me that a wanted child would suddenly be unwanted because of something outside their control. This is why this line of thinking and reasoning really bothers me.
@lalala2004 I get where you're coming from, but I don't agree that just because you can't predict every possible outcome you should feel bad or guilty for evaluating the information you are able to obtain and making an informed decision as to what is best for your family. Obviously we all know that parenthood will be an unpredictable roller coaster and are prepared to tackle the unexpected challenges when they arise, but that's really different from knowing early on in your pregnancy that there is a genetic issue that will severely impact the life of the potential baby and the entire family. I definitely don't think anyone who questions their ability to give enough time, energy, or emotional or financial resources to a child with known serious issues should feel guilted into having that baby.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
@lalala2004 There are risks I can recognize and accept might happen; I'm aware that things can go awry in even the best planned things. Then there are risks I have foreknowledge of and don't have to accept, things that I know with near certainty I can avoid due to technology. You're equating my decisions to "I'm going to throw my kid away if it ends up with a traumatic brain injury from Superman'ing off the bed", that's just ludicrous.
Folks may not agree with each other all the time, and that's fine, but everyone should still remain respectful of each other regardless. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and some stink more than others. The fact that you think that I personally shouldn't have kids if I'm "not willing to risk it all" is extremely judgmental and honestly hurtful.
Like @livinthesunnylife said, the disability spectrum is huge. I work with kids regularly who have severe learning disabilities, such as middle schoolers who can’t read as well as my 1st grader. I’ve worked with kids on the autism spectrum, kids with down’s and other genetic disorders, and kids whose home environments and upbringings have ultimately given them emotional or behavioral disorders. 90% of the kids I work with would have passed genetics testing before they were born. Of the remaining 10%, maybe half would be unable to live independently as adults. Even with a diagnosis of down’s, there is no guarantee of severity. I’ve seen down’s students who were excelling in the regular classroom setting in middle school, in part because they believed they were capable of success. Attitude and environment are often just as important as genetics where disabilities are concerned.
@calimom2524 My friend called her fetus "the bean." He's now 11, and decided he legally wants to change his name to Bean, since he's never gone by anything else.
Me:32 DH:45 DSD: 20 DSS: 18 Team green baby due: Aug 6th, 2018
@calimom2524 My friend called her fetus "the bean." He's now 11, and decided he legally wants to change his name to Bean, since he's never gone by anything else.
EVEN STEVENS!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: 28, DH: 40 Married 9/28/13 DS born 11/12/15 EDD 8/13/18
I guess my UO is I’m shocked at how many people get these genetic tests! We considered it this time but then I read the pamphlet that said something like there are a lot of false positives and false negatives. I couldn’t figure out why I would want a test that isn’t accurate? My OB seemed to agree with me.
ETA: just to be clear I have no opinions on you guys decisions. I just can’t imagine being told baby was good (or not) and it being the opposite. I also don’t know I could do an amino. Making these decisions is hard
@lalala2004 I get where you're coming from, but I don't agree that just because you can't predict every possible outcome you should feel bad or guilty for evaluating the information you are able to obtain and making an informed decision as to what is best for your family. Obviously we all know that parenthood will be an unpredictable roller coaster and are prepared to tackle the unexpected challenges when they arise, but that's really different from knowing early on in your pregnancy that there is a genetic issue that will severely impact the life of the potential baby and the entire family. I definitely don't think anyone who questions their ability to give enough time, energy, or emotional or financial resources to a child with known serious issues should feel guilted into having that baby.
I don’t think anyone should feel guilted into having a baby with special needs. The reason it bothers me is that I see these kids with genetic conditions living normal lives and I think about the fact that a lot of those kids would have veen aborted with different parents and different circumstances. I find that heartbreaking, full stop. Anyone can make the decision they want, but just like you can’t know if your child will end up with a special need, you also can’t know if a child with a genetic condition could actually bring more to your life than they would detract. I just think that’s worth considering.
@neeraja_k it’s how you said it that I have a problem with. Straight up saying that you don’t want a special needs child? You can’t always choose that, and if you weren’t going to acknowledge it, someone was bound to. I do think it’s something you need to consider before having a child. And if you found specific judgement in my simple asking of a question, it was really only meant to make you think about it, because we SHOULD think about it. Because our kids will struggle with SOMETHING at some point. Colic, bullying, mental illness, anxiety, injury, hospitalization, heartbreak, failure in school, losing a job, death of a pet or loved one. None of this shit is easy, and I do think you have to recognize what you will need to sacrifice as a parent, no matter what your child faces in this life. It’s 100% unknown what will happen in the future, but it’s guaranteed to have some inconveniences and tough shit. And of course that’s life and everyone knows that, but it’s pretty amplified when a piece of you is living outside your body.
I guess my UO is I’m shocked at how many people get these genetic tests! We considered it this time but then I read the pamphlet that said something like there are a lot of false positives and false negatives. I couldn’t figure out why I would want a test that isn’t accurate? My OB seemed to agree with me.
ETA: just to be clear I have no opinions on you guys decisions. I just can’t imagine being told baby was good (or not) and it being the opposite. I also don’t know I could do an amino. Making these decisions is hard
Ok this distinction really REALLY annoys me.
The NT scan and NIPT are both screeners, they are not diagnostic tests. There is no such thing as a positive or negative result. The results will just tell you the odds of your baby having a genetic disorder based on the blood test, as compared to what the odds are for the average person with your similar risk profile.
So if you consider "1 in 10000" to be a negative result, as I believe that is the lowest odds these tests will assign, then ok. But if your result is 1 in 500 or 1 in 25, while your odds are heightened, it is STILL not a positive result. There is still more of a chance that the child is fine than there is that there is a genetic issue.
I would absolutely never make a decision on termination based solely on a screener, as there is no possible absolute positive result. If your odds are heightened, CVS or amniocentesis will be suggested to get an actual positive or negative result. These tests are extremely accurate, and I would feel comfortable making a decision based on those results.
I wasn't going to personally weigh in, but I would absolutely terminate if CVS or amnio confirmed that the baby had zero chance of life. I can't bring myself to continue a pregnancy that would affect my life and my ability to care for my existing children when the baby would not be able to survive outside the womb. If we got a result of Down Syndrome, or somethign where life was possible, we would seriously discuss our options but still possibly terminate. My first obligation right now is to my two kids and if there was no way that I could keep up with the special needs of this baby while also being able to care for them and be there for them, I would have to seriously consider termination. It would be absolutely horrible to be in that position, and I hope it never happens to any of us, but that's the truth for me.
I also don't understand people that say they're skipping something like the NT scan, which is almost universally covered by insurance, simply because they wouldn't consider termination. That test can uncover a whole range of issues that would potentially require intervention at birth to ensure the health of the baby, and to know that you could have been prepared for that but didn't bother seems crazy to me. What if you deliver at a hospital that can't perform a surgery that is necessary for your baby to live? If you'd known in advance what you were dealing with, you could have arranged to deliver elsewhere. That's just one example, but these tests aren't just about termination, and I hate that some people think they are.
@lalala2004 my understanding is that they have to do the NT scan around 10-12 weeks because the pocket around baby's neck where they can see fluid accumulate isn't transparent anymore after about the 12 week mark. So they could still catch some issues like in the case of a heart defect that they would look for during NT scanning, but some things are timed for the development of the fetus.
My rambling should make this painfully apparent but I'm not a medical professional nor do I play one on TV so grain of salt and all that.
My understanding was just that it was for early detection, but I could be wrong. I mean, they check EVERYTHING in the Anatomy Scan and even make you come back if they can’t get the images they need, especially of the heart.
I guess my UO is I’m shocked at how many people get these genetic tests! We considered it this time but then I read the pamphlet that said something like there are a lot of false positives and false negatives. I couldn’t figure out why I would want a test that isn’t accurate? My OB seemed to agree with me.
ETA: just to be clear I have no opinions on you guys decisions. I just can’t imagine being told baby was good (or not) and it being the opposite. I also don’t know I could do an amino. Making these decisions is hard
Ok this distinction really REALLY annoys me.
The NT scan and NIPT are both screeners, they are not diagnostic tests. There is no such thing as a positive or negative result. The results will just tell you the odds of your baby having a genetic disorder based on the blood test, as compared to what the odds are for the average person with your similar risk profile.
So if you consider "1 in 10000" to be a negative result, as I believe that is the lowest odds these tests will assign, then ok. But if your result is 1 in 500 or 1 in 25, while your odds are heightened, it is STILL not a positive result. There is still more of a chance that the child is fine than there is that there is a genetic issue.
I would absolutely never make a decision on termination based solely on a screener, as there is no possible absolute positive result. If your odds are heightened, CVS or amniocentesis will be suggested to get an actual positive or negative result. These tests are extremely accurate, and I would feel comfortable making a decision based on those results.
I wasn't going to personally weigh in, but I would absolutely terminate if CVS or amnio confirmed that the baby had zero chance of life. I can't bring myself to continue a pregnancy that would affect my life and my ability to care for my existing children when the baby would not be able to survive outside the womb. If we got a result of Down Syndrome, or somethign where life was possible, we would seriously discuss our options but still possibly terminate. My first obligation right now is to my two kids and if there was no way that I could keep up with the special needs of this baby while also being able to care for them and be there for them, I would have to seriously consider termination. It would be absolutely horrible to be in that position, and I hope it never happens to any of us, but that's the truth for me.
I also don't understand people that say they're skipping something like the NT scan, which is almost universally covered by insurance, simply because they wouldn't consider termination. That test can uncover a whole range of issues that would potentially require intervention at birth to ensure the health of the baby, and to know that you could have been prepared for that but didn't bother seems crazy to me. What if you deliver at a hospital that can't perform a surgery that is necessary for your baby to live? If you'd known in advance what you were dealing with, you could have arranged to deliver elsewhere. That's just one example, but these tests aren't just about termination, and I hate that some people think they are.
Since you quoted me I’ll say that I was paraphrasing what I read. So you can jump off your high horse. And all I said was I was surprised, sorry I got your beloved verbiage wrong. It was a quick response I didn’t realize I’d be berated.
I’m pretty sure it said in it that it’s not a diagnostic test in the pamphlet hence why I don’t take it! I have no desire to put myself through added stress over something that isn’t diagnostic. Personally a 1 in 500 chance of something would still stress me out. And I personally never said anything about a test being about termination?
I have no medical reason to require that test, if we had a history of something or I was ama I would do it. But they can look for clues at my anatomy scan and we can make decisions then.
Also my hospital is I think the number 2 NICU in the United States so yeah I don’t have to worry about my hospital.
Re: Unpopular Opinion 1/25
hmm this is interesting! I use them and never thought about it. I don't use a bunch but the moms from my January 2014 bump board have a hashtag for our J14 kids and one for their siblings, which I use so we can all look at each other's behbehs (though I follow them all already anyway). I have one for each kid and one for pics of them together. I just figured one day it would help me find pics of just them, or just them together, more readily. Maybe I will never use it for that though and maybe it is silly, never really thought about it. I am not a big hashtag user otherwise though, I sideeye people who post like 20 lines of hashtags. I have also seen some really witty friends do fairly funny ones sometimes.
Interesting UO , I like when they are ones I haven't thought of our heard!
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
My sister has a heart condition so she only works 3 days/week. She is the only one who has offered to watch our child while we work. The thing is that I don't even trust her to petsit my dog lolbs We tried it w/my Border Collie and I had to pick her up 15 minutes later.
When I originally posted here I felt like I only had one choice, which was to SAH. With that being said, I'm eternally grateful that so many people have shared their views on finding a daycare provider, great experiences with daycare, and not-so-great experiences with family. I'm learning bigtime!
My UO is I actually love the wedding hashtags and I'm sad they became a thing after I got married.
I 100% agree. I should be getting my results today, and I am "low-risk" but if there is a chromosomal abnormality I will terminate. It's why I chose to do the NIPT testing before the 20 week US. It will be awful if I have to deal with that at this point, but I think it is the better long term option for my family.
DH:45
DSD: 20
DSS: 18
Team green baby due: Aug 6th, 2018
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
@legallykate I can understand your point, I don't agree 100%. If it was an 'incompatible with life/you will have a still birth/dead within hours or days of birth' Then I 100% agree. If its just 'your kid will need 1-to-1 help, might not ever be able to live on their own, then I seriously disagree. I feel like the 2nd circumstance is too much like a genocide or similar to WWII happening. It might only be 1 baby here and there, but it is still targeting a type of person who could live outside the womb.
I have been put in a super awkward position as depending on results of the MFM consult Tuesday, I might have to choose between my 2 outside LOs and this LO. If I have to go on bedrest, my family won't survive financially. My kids wouldn't understand why Mama isn't fun anymore, and my mental health would be gone. Its never a comfortable place, but I strongly feel that there is a difference and even if its not a religious one it should be a human moral one.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
With my third, we were screened as high risk and she showed markers on the anatomy scan for downs. I refused invasive testing because it can be fatal. We just waited and prayed. More than one doctor encouraged termination. I changed doctors until I found one that would cut that nonsense out.
We were prepared at birth. Specialists on hand. To be quite honest, I let myself forget about it. And just focus on being excited the baby coming. My doctor told me to get excited. She was wonderful.
She was born 100% healthy. Perfect. Not a thing wrong. I would have loved her either way but it broke my heart to think many would have terminated because the doctors said to.
Just something to keep in mind.
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
On a lighter nore, my UO is that I don't really miss alcohol or caffeine at all! Maybe that will change as my appetite comes back more, but the idea or coffee, tea, beer, or wine doesn't appeal to me at all at this point. And I was a decent consumer of all of the above before TTGP.
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
For my husband and I personally, with our age (both 38), our somewhat stable finances, our potential cross-country move and starting over, our pragmatic natures, and the fact that we only want one child, and only really want one shot at this, we've already agreed on the decision to terminate if anything abnormal comes up on the NIPT (and is confirmed via CVS/amnio). And it will be an agonizing decision, rest assured. But neither of us want a special needs child. Bless those parents who are willing to take on the extra expense, extra care, extra everything really. But it's not for us, and honestly that's all that matters imho.
@jsnakehole others have said the same thing, but there are plenty of working moms here to support you along the way! I know I'm not cut out to be a SAHM, but going back to work was still extremely difficult. Now at 2.5, DS loves activities, he's so smart, good around other kids and adults, and he loves school!
My UO is the same as @westphilly - I know I don't have the patience, structure, creativeness or ability to be with my toddler all day every day. It's hard being a working mom some days, but he is learning far more at his daycare/school than I could ever teach him during the day. It makes our nights and weekends that much more special to me though. I have friends IRL and from my other BMB who are SAHM and they seriously rock and I admire them, I just know it isn't for me.
DS: 5.28.15
DS#2: EDD 8.31.18
You can have a perfectly healthy child at birth that has a traumatic injury later in life. There are no guarantees. You just don't know when you take the responsibility of being a parent what the road ahead may hold.
I'm up for it.
Married: 6/2016
TTC #1: 12/2016
Benched due to deployment- Off the bench 8/8/17!
DS: 5.28.15
DS#2: EDD 8.31.18
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
It really does seriously upset me that a wanted child would suddenly be unwanted because of something outside their control. This is why this line of thinking and reasoning really bothers me.
The disability spectrum is HUGE and to say that you would not want a kid that is special needs is just such a wide reaching comment.
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
Folks may not agree with each other all the time, and that's fine, but everyone should still remain respectful of each other regardless. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and some stink more than others. The fact that you think that I personally shouldn't have kids if I'm "not willing to risk it all" is extremely judgmental and honestly hurtful.
My friend called her fetus "the bean." He's now 11, and decided he legally wants to change his name to Bean, since he's never gone by anything else.
DH:45
DSD: 20
DSS: 18
Team green baby due: Aug 6th, 2018
Married 9/28/13
DS born 11/12/15
EDD 8/13/18
ETA: just to be clear I have no opinions on you guys decisions. I just can’t imagine being told baby was good (or not) and it being the opposite. I also don’t know I could do an amino. Making these decisions is hard
aborted with different parents and different circumstances. I find that heartbreaking, full stop. Anyone can make the decision they want, but just like you can’t know if your child will end up with a special need, you also can’t know if a child with a genetic condition could actually bring more to your life than they would detract. I just think that’s worth considering.
@neeraja_k it’s how you said it that I have a problem with. Straight up saying that you don’t want a special needs child? You can’t always choose that, and if you weren’t going to acknowledge it, someone was bound to. I do think it’s something you need to consider before having a child. And if you found specific judgement in my simple asking of a question, it was really only meant to make you think about it, because we SHOULD think about it. Because our kids will struggle with SOMETHING at some point. Colic, bullying, mental illness, anxiety, injury, hospitalization, heartbreak, failure in school, losing a job, death of a pet or loved one. None of this shit is easy, and I do think you have to recognize what you will need to sacrifice as a parent, no matter what your child faces in this life. It’s 100% unknown what will happen in the future, but it’s guaranteed to have some inconveniences and tough shit. And of course that’s life and everyone knows that, but it’s pretty amplified when a piece of you is living outside your body.
The NT scan and NIPT are both screeners, they are not diagnostic tests. There is no such thing as a positive or negative result. The results will just tell you the odds of your baby having a genetic disorder based on the blood test, as compared to what the odds are for the average person with your similar risk profile.
So if you consider "1 in 10000" to be a negative result, as I believe that is the lowest odds these tests will assign, then ok. But if your result is 1 in 500 or 1 in 25, while your odds are heightened, it is STILL not a positive result. There is still more of a chance that the child is fine than there is that there is a genetic issue.
I would absolutely never make a decision on termination based solely on a screener, as there is no possible absolute positive result. If your odds are heightened, CVS or amniocentesis will be suggested to get an actual positive or negative result. These tests are extremely accurate, and I would feel comfortable making a decision based on those results.
I wasn't going to personally weigh in, but I would absolutely terminate if CVS or amnio confirmed that the baby had zero chance of life. I can't bring myself to continue a pregnancy that would affect my life and my ability to care for my existing children when the baby would not be able to survive outside the womb. If we got a result of Down Syndrome, or somethign where life was possible, we would seriously discuss our options but still possibly terminate. My first obligation right now is to my two kids and if there was no way that I could keep up with the special needs of this baby while also being able to care for them and be there for them, I would have to seriously consider termination. It would be absolutely horrible to be in that position, and I hope it never happens to any of us, but that's the truth for me.
I also don't understand people that say they're skipping something like the NT scan, which is almost universally covered by insurance, simply because they wouldn't consider termination. That test can uncover a whole range of issues that would potentially require intervention at birth to ensure the health of the baby, and to know that you could have been prepared for that but didn't bother seems crazy to me. What if you deliver at a hospital that can't perform a surgery that is necessary for your baby to live? If you'd known in advance what you were dealing with, you could have arranged to deliver elsewhere. That's just one example, but these tests aren't just about termination, and I hate that some people think they are.
scan they wouldn’t see on the Anatomy Scan, though?
My rambling should make this painfully apparent but I'm not a medical professional nor do I play one on TV so grain of salt and all that.
Me: 37 Him: 38
Married 11.07.2015
they can’t get the images they need, especially of the heart.
I’m pretty sure it said in it that it’s not a diagnostic test in the pamphlet hence why I don’t take it! I have no desire to put myself through added stress over something that isn’t diagnostic. Personally a 1 in 500 chance of something would still stress me out. And I personally never said anything about a test being about termination?
I have no medical reason to require that test, if we had a history of something or I was ama I would do it. But they can look for clues at my anatomy scan and we can make decisions then.
Also my hospital is I think the number 2 NICU in the United States so yeah I don’t have to worry about my hospital.