This started as a Q on the questions thread, but I thought it’s a difficult and important enough topic that it deserves its own thread. Moms who have been there and survived it: how did you make the transition easier for your kid(s) (or, for the transition from just you and DH/SO to a family of 3, for your partner)?
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Re: Transitioning to a bigger family: tips, tricks, words of wisdom
-meal prep on the weekends, if you’re able. It’s the last thing you’ll want to do during your “down time,” but you’ll want to do it even less alone with needy kids by yourself during the week/after coming home from work and having to switch to your second job. In this same vein, for me personally, I would seriously consider being publicly flogged over taking my three kids alone to the grocery store for the big weekly stock up run. I go by myself on the weekends when DH is home and do short runs or online orders during the week for random stuff.
-I really don’t mean to sound flippant or offensive with this one, but in terms of DH... I have been downright amazed how far sex will go in terms of meeting his relationship needs generally. We will basically be ships passing in the night in the heyday of young baby/young kids and have gone an entire week without having a decent adult conversation, but if we’ve had sex recently, I swear he’s basically happy. (And FWIW, DH is a fairly complicated man, so it never ceases to amaze me that this one physical act can go so far for meeting his needs. But it does.)
-In terms of older kids getting used to sharing attention with the baby - particularly in the case of 2 and 3 year olds, who may struggle to fully understand but do fully feel the loss - it’s just really tough. They have a legitimate grievance in that they’re losing a share of your attention, and it’s obviously difficult for them emotionally as well. You feel lots of guilt because you feel like you’re short-changing them, but in the long-run you’re really not - they will have their sibling(s) as companion(s) for life. I make the most of any alone time I happen to have with them - even a minute here or there - as a chance to talk to them one on one or even just have a snuggle, and I feel like that goes a long way. And also remember that everyone will adjust to the new normal - by 6ish months I’ve found that everyone is significantly improved. Until then, just get through.
I guess this is a more practical tip that enables a little peace of mind for parents: babyproof EVERYTHING in the room(s) where your older, mobile children will spend most of their time. I don’t mean just put latches on cabinet doors, but ensure anything that can tip over is anchored down, remote controls have a place that is out of reach, outlets are covered, loose change has a jar to go in, car keys have a hook on the wall, etc.
Inevitably, you’ll need to run to a different room for clothes or get something outside or (gasp!) take a shower, and it goes a loooong way to be confident that your kids won’t find an obvious way to hurt themselves while you don’t have your eyes on them. Nothing is FULLY childproof, of course, but I don’t feel panicked when I run upstairs to get clothes or outside to bring the dogs in anymore. I know the kids can only get in marginal trouble on their own
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
I incouraged alone play since she was born, so thats also something I dont have to do all the times when the baby gets here.
For Christmas I got her a bunch of family based board games we could play with her, but are quiet to not disturb a sleeping baby.
At night, I am having her dad do more of the bedtime routine, so if I am busy putting the baby to bed, she wont cry for me.
She is a flat out Mommys girl, so incouraging her and her dad to do more things together and out of the house has helped a lot as well.
She looooooooooves helping with EVERYTHING, so i keep this in mind whenever I need to do a task, and provide the extra time for her to help which really makes her feel the most happy and important. I also use this time for her to learn new things she can do on her own.
Thats all I have so far... she was a colick reflux baby, so if this baby is too. Well... im sure there will be no saving us for a few months lol
1) Do a ton of freezer meals, if you can. I did a few frozen things before I had DD, but they ran out quickly. This time I'll be doing more. Also, stock up on paper plates, plastic silverware, or anything that will eliminate work anywhere around the house in those early days. Some ladies have mentioned getting help with house cleaning. This is a great idea if you can do it. You can also do one deep clean before the baby comes to help with the transition right off.
2) Work on your relationship foundation before baby comes-- any issues that you and your partner have in your relationship will be amplified x1000 by sleep deprivation and all of the other changes once baby gets here. Adding a baby into any relationship means that the two of you are going to be tested. Hard. Iron out as much of anything that you and your partner are struggling with now-- be that by going to counseling to work on communication, picking up a book like The Five Love Languages or The Love Dare to read together, or squeezing in more date nights, whatever. Practice things like patience with your partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt now.
3) I agree with @rmmorris that getting used to an earlier bedtime is a great idea-- I'd also add getting used to an earlier wake time too.
I'm sure there's a lot more to add here, but this is all I can think of right this second.
My sister had twins 6 months ago and though her husband did a lot during the time he was on paternity leave, when he went back to work he basically stopped helping; because he works full time and she’s a stay at home mom, he views childcare as “her job” and doesn’t do much. I am a SAHM and obviously, during the day it is my job 100%; however, once MH gets home it’s 50/50. I’ve already worked a full day too and when we’re both there, I feel like the kids are and should be a joint responsibility. I don’t think my sister ever had this conversation explicitly, though, so now she just blows up at him periodically without ever addressing the underlying issue. Even if you don’t plan on SAHMing, having several detailed, honest conversations about how you both see childcare responsibilities playing out after baby comes is definitely something you want to do before baby comes, because it is a very emotionally charged and difficult issue to discuss after baby arrives.
2.) when accepting help hold back criticism. It doesn’t matter if it’s done your way or not, as long as it’s done. (This can apply to kids doing chores too!). Dd has started putting her own clothes away. Therefore her drawers are a mess and closet isn’t in ROYGBV order like I do- gasp! But I don’t have to do it so I let it go!!
3.) there will be times you need to go into survival mode and that’s ok. I pick two or three things that make me feel human and help me keep a routine and let the rest go. For me it’s -brushing my teeth and washing my face twice a day. -making sure the sink is clean when I go to bed. (Even if it’s shoving the dirty dishes into the bin under the sink Before bed or strictly using paper during growth spurts) and -making my bed at least one point in the day. My sleep was way off and my “sleep time” was never at night but I made sure to make my bed at least once. I slept better when I was able to crawl into a made Bed!
In the very early weeks, we have the baby sleep downstairs, away from the other bedrooms, in the bassinet attachment on the pack n play or in the RNP. We each take shifts sleeping on the couch next to the baby: I’ll do bedtime to 2am, then I’ll go upstairs to sleep and my husband’s shift will be 2am until he leaves for work (around 6:15). It’s not super fun, but in theory everyone gets a little bit of sleep every night.
ETA: I don’t breastfeed, so me being on a different floor from the baby doesn’t present any logistical problems for us. My husband is able to give bottles.
Has anyone ever switched off nights completely? DH suggested way back that one of us sleeps in the nursery one night and does all of the wake-ups that night, then the next night we’d switch. It’d mean alternating full-on sleeplessness and full sleep and also not sharing a bed with my H until MOTN stuff stops, which I don’t know if I can do.
Married: 10/3/15
TTC: May 2017
BFP: 7/20/17
EDD: 3/29/18
But here’s my FFFC: personally I haaaaate the baby in our room. Hate it. I’m constantly listening for signs of a wake up or stressing that I should be sleeping instead of watching the baby, so as soon as I’m comfortable with it, I put baby in their own room. I’d rather go down the hall a few times a night than have the baby right next to me. We had DS in his crib by 5 weeks (which seems crazy to me now, but it worked then), and DD was in her own room around 9 weeks.
@kbamomma33 thanks for that! Glad you guys found something that works for you as well (ambient pass-out sounds amazing lol). Pretty amazing you were able to make the transition to crib after 2 weeks!
I love hearing how everyone shares night-time stuff with their SO, it’s one of my biggest anxieties about figuring this whole life-change out
Married: 10/3/15
TTC: May 2017
BFP: 7/20/17
EDD: 3/29/18
When we had two, we would trade off so that whoever was up with the baby would get the morning off of toddler duty and the other would get dd ready for the day.
Other advice for tranistioning to 1 is don't be afraid to put baby in their crib or to your partner and give yourself a break. I know sometimes baby will cry and you just want to calm them down. There were a few times DD would just get and nothing seemed to calm her so I would lay her in her crib (so I knew she was safe) walked out of her room, shut the door and walked away for 5 minutes. It hurt to hear her cry but I needed to calm myself and take a breath. Then I would come back and was able to calm her down. So it's ok to step away and take a breath.
With #3, things will be different because my kids are older. They'll be 7 and 9 when this baby is born, so I'm hoping I don't have to do too much to entertain them once he's here. For the first month or so, I'm planning on still having DH get the two older ones ready for school and bring them. This will let me just worry about the baby. Once I'm feeling better and more normal then I plan to step it up and start to do more with the older ones, as far as school drop off and pick up go.
My best advice is to take help when it's needed. Whether it be from DH or parents or friends, don't try to do it all. Also, don't worry about feeling like you're neglecting the older one. You're not. They'll survive and not be damaged permanently. Finally, it's all about survival. Do whatever you need to do to make it work for your family and don't apologize for it.
On the transition from 0 to 1, @kbamomma33, @lindsye, and @riversdoctor made some really good points about sharing the workload with partners. This was a huge thing for us that we are still fine tuning. Some days it feels like I'm doing more work than DH, and he has days where he feels the same too, and it's hard to not get resentful when you feel like that. My DH is a great partner and does a lot of household and childcare duties, and some things that have helped/made our life easier are: couples counseling (not because we had problems that threatened our marriage, but because we never had conflicts before having DS and therefore never really learned how to communicate well when we did have disagreements, having a child definitely brought up conflicts between us and learning to work through them was great for us), each of us scheduling regular "me" time (doesn't matter what we do, we just both need alone time without kids or each other), I had to learn to get comfortable with asking DH to do things around the house without feeling resentful/guilty about my having to ask it from him (he's happy to do just about anything I ask of him, he just doesn't tend to see when things around the house need to get done), and getting regular exercise (very important for both of us - my jogging stroller is a lifesaver for me!). Oh, also date nights. DH and I started regularly going on date nights after finding out I was pregnant again, and I can't help but wonder why we didn't do it much earlier, it's been fun!
As far as sleeping arrangements go, I get 12 weeks off for maternity leave and DH isn't taking time off, so we'll probably have him sleep in our guest room in the basement while I'm on leave. He'll focus on getting DS to daycare every morning, and we'll probably trade off on getting DS to bed each night. It's going to be rough, but with one newborn, I could hand off baby duties and take naps, but with DS and a newborn, that won't be as easy to do. Once I go back to work, maybe we'll alternate who gets the guest room nights.
1. @lindsye said about focusing on your relationship with your partner. That connection will be super important.
2. Life isn’t about what is equal, it is about what is needed to get through.
3. our time aside for the other kids in the house so they get their one on one time. I also am a big fan of having the other kids help it so they feel involved.
I have heard going from 2 to 3 is hard. So I am a bit nervous for the transition, but hoping we get through!
so now we have a plan he will take first shift and I will have pumped and prepared to sleep and I will take the second shift.
as we could. And made sure to spend a lot of one on one time w him when the baby slept.
I am getting worried about juggling it all with a not quite two-year-old and an infant
Tips for making #1 feel included:
- Some people have a special 'nursing basket' that only comes out when #2 (or 3 or 4, etc) is nursing so the older one has something to do. It's usually filled with a special toy, books, coloring supplies etc, to keep the older distracted while the newborn nurses. (I didn't personally do this but thought it was a great idea! DS was too young to appreciate this when DD was born.)
- Let other people entertain them. My mom was with us for the first two weeks so she occupied DS while DD was in the nursing 24/7 stage. In the evenings, for months... while DD cluster-fed, DH was home to run interference.
- Distract them with TV... After 2 weeks, DD got into a better routine and during the day (while I was home solo) she nursed every 2-3 hours so I used the TV (short episodes of younameit) to distract DS. He's also pretty good at independent play so if he didn't want to watch TV, he would just play next to me on the couch or floor, wherever I was sitting.
- Making feeding time cuddle time. DS was super cuddly (still is ) so he didn't mind sidling up to me and snuggling whenever DD needed to nurse. It was actually super freaking cute how he'd poke her and hug her during nursing sessions.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016