This started as a Q on the questions thread, but I thought it’s a difficult and important enough topic that it deserves its own thread. Moms who have been there and survived it: how did you make the transition easier for your kid(s) (or, for the transition from just you and DH/SO to a family of 3, for your partner)?
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-I mentioned it before but I’m repeating it here: after our babies are more than a couple weeks old, they need dark and quiet to fall asleep. During the day, this meant I needed to leave my older kid(s) for brief periods of time to put the baby to sleep. The best solution I came up with was to limit their iPad/technology time to only when I needed to put the baby to sleep. This meant that I could leave the room for brief periods without the toddler screaming, and I knew they would sit happily (and safely and quietly) with the iPad while I was putting the baby to sleep. Not ideal, but it worked for me.
-meal prep on the weekends, if you’re able. It’s the last thing you’ll want to do during your “down time,” but you’ll want to do it even less alone with needy kids by yourself during the week/after coming home from work and having to switch to your second job. In this same vein, for me personally, I would seriously consider being publicly flogged over taking my three kids alone to the grocery store for the big weekly stock up run. I go by myself on the weekends when DH is home and do short runs or online orders during the week for random stuff.
-I really don’t mean to sound flippant or offensive with this one, but in terms of DH... I have been downright amazed how far sex will go in terms of meeting his relationship needs generally. We will basically be ships passing in the night in the heyday of young baby/young kids and have gone an entire week without having a decent adult conversation, but if we’ve had sex recently, I swear he’s basically happy. (And FWIW, DH is a fairly complicated man, so it never ceases to amaze me that this one physical act can go so far for meeting his needs. But it does.)
-In terms of older kids getting used to sharing attention with the baby - particularly in the case of 2 and 3 year olds, who may struggle to fully understand but do fully feel the loss - it’s just really tough. They have a legitimate grievance in that they’re losing a share of your attention, and it’s obviously difficult for them emotionally as well. You feel lots of guilt because you feel like you’re short-changing them, but in the long-run you’re really not - they will have their sibling(s) as companion(s) for life. I make the most of any alone time I happen to have with them - even a minute here or there - as a chance to talk to them one on one or even just have a snuggle, and I feel like that goes a long way. And also remember that everyone will adjust to the new normal - by 6ish months I’ve found that everyone is significantly improved. Until then, just get through.
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I guess this is a more practical tip that enables a little peace of mind for parents: babyproof EVERYTHING in the room(s) where your older, mobile children will spend most of their time. I don’t mean just put latches on cabinet doors, but ensure anything that can tip over is anchored down, remote controls have a place that is out of reach, outlets are covered, loose change has a jar to go in, car keys have a hook on the wall, etc.
Inevitably, you’ll need to run to a different room for clothes or get something outside or (gasp!) take a shower, and it goes a loooong way to be confident that your kids won’t find an obvious way to hurt themselves while you don’t have your eyes on them. Nothing is FULLY childproof, of course, but I don’t feel panicked when I run upstairs to get clothes or outside to bring the dogs in anymore. I know the kids can only get in marginal trouble on their own
Ds was born in April and my greatest sanity saver was walks to the park. I would wear him in the wrap and push dd (3) in the stroller. The park is about a mile away. We did that almost daily! Dd would play and I would nurse ds under a tree then we would walk home and dd usually fell asleep. I’d leave her in the stroller and get easy tasks done around the yard until she woke up. It got me dressed, out of the house and some easy movement, as well as exercise for dd! We kept a blanket, pack of wipes and a few diapers in the stroller at all times so we never had to pack, we could just go.
@riversdoctor ditto on leaving the house for walks! We did that after DD was born and DS would exhaust himself running and playing. We'd come back, eat and he's crash for a nap. It was a good daily routine for us. If we didn't walk, we went somewhere, anywhere to get out of the house.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
I haven't made the complete transition from 1 to 2 kids, but with DD, she is 3.5. I am currently having her do more things on her own instead of me doing everything for her. It has helped a lot in the sense that if I cant tend to her right away, she has a long list of things she can do by herself. I incouraged alone play since she was born, so thats also something I dont have to do all the times when the baby gets here. For Christmas I got her a bunch of family based board games we could play with her, but are quiet to not disturb a sleeping baby. At night, I am having her dad do more of the bedtime routine, so if I am busy putting the baby to bed, she wont cry for me. She is a flat out Mommys girl, so incouraging her and her dad to do more things together and out of the house has helped a lot as well. She looooooooooves helping with EVERYTHING, so i keep this in mind whenever I need to do a task, and provide the extra time for her to help which really makes her feel the most happy and important. I also use this time for her to learn new things she can do on her own.
Thats all I have so far... she was a colick reflux baby, so if this baby is too. Well... im sure there will be no saving us for a few months lol
Any tips on transitioning to baby number one? I think about how life with be different with my SO and I and maybe some tips for this transition. Thanks for starting this thread
Any tips on transitioning to baby number one? I think about how life with be different with my SO and I and maybe some tips for this transition. Thanks for starting this thread
Some things that I think are helpful--
1) Do a ton of freezer meals, if you can. I did a few frozen things before I had DD, but they ran out quickly. This time I'll be doing more. Also, stock up on paper plates, plastic silverware, or anything that will eliminate work anywhere around the house in those early days. Some ladies have mentioned getting help with house cleaning. This is a great idea if you can do it. You can also do one deep clean before the baby comes to help with the transition right off.
2) Work on your relationship foundation before baby comes-- any issues that you and your partner have in your relationship will be amplified x1000 by sleep deprivation and all of the other changes once baby gets here. Adding a baby into any relationship means that the two of you are going to be tested. Hard. Iron out as much of anything that you and your partner are struggling with now-- be that by going to counseling to work on communication, picking up a book like The Five Love Languages or The Love Dare to read together, or squeezing in more date nights, whatever. Practice things like patience with your partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt now.
3) I agree with @rmmorris that getting used to an earlier bedtime is a great idea-- I'd also add getting used to an earlier wake time too.
I'm sure there's a lot more to add here, but this is all I can think of right this second.
@sjn00 I wonder if there is a connection between colicky babies and being mommy girls/boys. Mine is a huuuge mommy's girl, and I know part of the reason is just how much contact happened in the first months of her life due to colick. It's hard not to closely bond to someone who literally held you most of the day while you were upset/hurt.
Any tips on transitioning to baby number one? I think about how life with be different with my SO and I and maybe some tips for this transition. Thanks for starting this thread
My biggest one would be this: think through your idea of partnership and what you expect from your partner after the baby is born. I know it’s hard to work out logistics before the baby even arrives, but a general statement that he plans to “help” is not reassuring enough.
My sister had twins 6 months ago and though her husband did a lot during the time he was on paternity leave, when he went back to work he basically stopped helping; because he works full time and she’s a stay at home mom, he views childcare as “her job” and doesn’t do much. I am a SAHM and obviously, during the day it is my job 100%; however, once MH gets home it’s 50/50. I’ve already worked a full day too and when we’re both there, I feel like the kids are and should be a joint responsibility. I don’t think my sister ever had this conversation explicitly, though, so now she just blows up at him periodically without ever addressing the underlying issue. Even if you don’t plan on SAHMing, having several detailed, honest conversations about how you both see childcare responsibilities playing out after baby comes is definitely something you want to do before baby comes, because it is a very emotionally charged and difficult issue to discuss after baby arrives.
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As far as adjusting to the first, 1.) He can’t read minds. If you find yourself annoyed that he’s not helping enough, be honest with yourself, have you asked him? Explicitly? What you want him to do? 2.) when accepting help hold back criticism. It doesn’t matter if it’s done your way or not, as long as it’s done. (This can apply to kids doing chores too!). Dd has started putting her own clothes away. Therefore her drawers are a mess and closet isn’t in ROYGBV order like I do- gasp! But I don’t have to do it so I let it go!! 3.) there will be times you need to go into survival mode and that’s ok. I pick two or three things that make me feel human and help me keep a routine and let the rest go. For me it’s -brushing my teeth and washing my face twice a day. -making sure the sink is clean when I go to bed. (Even if it’s shoving the dirty dishes into the bin under the sink Before bed or strictly using paper during growth spurts) and -making my bed at least one point in the day. My sleep was way off and my “sleep time” was never at night but I made sure to make my bed at least once. I slept better when I was able to crawl into a made Bed!
-I mentioned it before but I’m repeating it here: after our babies are more than a couple weeks old, they need dark and quiet to fall asleep. During the day, this meant I needed to leave my older kid(s) for brief periods of time to put the baby to sleep. The best solution I came up with was to limit their iPad/technology time to only when I needed to put the baby to sleep. This meant that I could leave the room for brief periods without the toddler screaming, and I knew they would sit happily (and safely and quietly) with the iPad while I was putting the baby to sleep. Not ideal, but it worked for me.
-meal prep on the weekends, if you’re able. It’s the last thing you’ll want to do during your “down time,” but you’ll want to do it even less alone with needy kids by yourself during the week/after coming home from work and having to switch to your second job. In this same vein, for me personally, I would seriously consider being publicly flogged over taking my three kids alone to the grocery store for the big weekly stock up run. I go by myself on the weekends when DH is home and do short runs or online orders during the week for random stuff.
-I really don’t mean to sound flippant or offensive with this one, but in terms of DH... I have been downright amazed how far sex will go in terms of meeting his relationship needs generally. We will basically be ships passing in the night in the heyday of young baby/young kids and have gone an entire week without having a decent adult conversation, but if we’ve had sex recently, I swear he’s basically happy. (And FWIW, DH is a fairly complicated man, so it never ceases to amaze me that this one physical act can go so far for meeting his needs. But it does.)
-In terms of older kids getting used to sharing attention with the baby - particularly in the case of 2 and 3 year olds, who may struggle to fully understand but do fully feel the loss - it’s just really tough. They have a legitimate grievance in that they’re losing a share of your attention, and it’s obviously difficult for them emotionally as well. You feel lots of guilt because you feel like you’re short-changing them, but in the long-run you’re really not - they will have their sibling(s) as companion(s) for life. I make the most of any alone time I happen to have with them - even a minute here or there - as a chance to talk to them one on one or even just have a snuggle, and I feel like that goes a long way. And also remember that everyone will adjust to the new normal - by 6ish months I’ve found that everyone is significantly improved. Until then, just get through.
@lindsye you should totally write a book about "transitioning". I think it's the biggest issue mothers struggle with. I would buy the book.
Well thank you, @Mamapema! That is certainly high praise. I have done the transition three times but still feel like I have yet to do it well; hopefully I’ve learned something but I know it will be a huge struggle yet again. This is the last time I’ll do it, though, so there is comfort in that.
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I only have input from 2-3 but I would say other than some really good stuff that have been said previously, to not hesitate « to adjust » what kind of become routine if you aren’t happy with it. After the first few weeks, where we would both get up at night and DH would help me, we fell into a routine where I would be the only one in charge of the MOTN stuff because 1- I was BF and DH was working full time so I felt like « I had to take nights so he could rest ». It became totally unfair because he would get a good 10h of sleep and I would run on 2h chunks here and there. I was exhausted and sleep deprived and starting to flirt dangerously with PPD from my tough BF journey. It was super frustrating to feel like I was the only one who was tired all the time. I finally told him how I felt and we made adjustments where he would take 9-12 (other than the BF part, but rocking back to sleep etc) I would do 12-5am and then he would be in charge starting at 5 until it was time to go to work. Even though I was still tired, I felt like the work charge wasn’t all on my shoulders.
@danjoly yes! Such a good point. Both partners should definitely not get up with each feeding. We learned that very quickly with baby #1 — two parents getting up all night leads to two very unhappy people. In the same vein, one person carrying the bulk of overnight wake ups is equally as disasterous...I still carry some serious resentment from when we fell into that pattern for a while with DD. What works for us is shifts, exactly as you described.
In the very early weeks, we have the baby sleep downstairs, away from the other bedrooms, in the bassinet attachment on the pack n play or in the RNP. We each take shifts sleeping on the couch next to the baby: I’ll do bedtime to 2am, then I’ll go upstairs to sleep and my husband’s shift will be 2am until he leaves for work (around 6:15). It’s not super fun, but in theory everyone gets a little bit of sleep every night.
ETA: I don’t breastfeed, so me being on a different floor from the baby doesn’t present any logistical problems for us. My husband is able to give bottles.
@kmalls thank you for that! We have been discussing a similar routine, though reversed (he’d do late nights and I’d do early mornings due to his work schedule and our individual sleep habits). We are heavily leaning towards FF from the start so I’m glad someone else has experience with that routine. Did you find doing that easier than sleeping in the same bed with H still and having baby in your room?
Has anyone ever switched off nights completely? DH suggested way back that one of us sleeps in the nursery one night and does all of the wake-ups that night, then the next night we’d switch. It’d mean alternating full-on sleeplessness and full sleep and also not sharing a bed with my H until MOTN stuff stops, which I don’t know if I can do.
@frenchiekinplusone we find it much easier to take shifts on the couch in the early days. Wakeups can be so frequent that the person “off duty” has a hard time sleeping through all the movement in the room and ends up not really sleeping at all. Once baby is able to string together some longer stretches of sleep we’ll transition everyone to the bedroom (like you, I hate not sleeping in bed with my husband). Usually we’re off the couch after a month or so.
But here’s my FFFC: personally I haaaaate the baby in our room. Hate it. I’m constantly listening for signs of a wake up or stressing that I should be sleeping instead of watching the baby, so as soon as I’m comfortable with it, I put baby in their own room. I’d rather go down the hall a few times a night than have the baby right next to me. We had DS in his crib by 5 weeks (which seems crazy to me now, but it worked then), and DD was in her own room around 9 weeks.
@frenchiekinplusone As far as switching off nights, after about the first 8-9 weeks or so, we started with me doing all wakeups Sunday through Thursday nights and H taking Friday and Saturday nights. I'm a SAHM and MH's job during the week is pretty intense, plus I BFed and wanted to make sure I got to a point where I could pump enough bottles for me to be able sleep all night on the weekends-- that's why we chose this particular routine and waited so long to implement it. On the weekends, I would take an ambien, put in my earplugs, and PTFO. It helped tremendously with my mental health when we started to do this. During the first two weeks (when MH took off work) we would both get up and I would do the feeds and he would diaper and get LO back to sleep. DD was in our room during that time and moved to the crib in her room after two weeks.
@kmalls makes total sense. I guess we will just have to see how it goes in the very early days and figure out what is going to work best. We want to get baby in their own room as soon as is reasonable. H has sleep/fatigue issues and I know I won’t sleep well with baby in the room because I’ll be anxious all night so hoping to make that transition within the first 2 months or so, but again will see what happens!
@kbamomma33 thanks for that! Glad you guys found something that works for you as well (ambient pass-out sounds amazing lol). Pretty amazing you were able to make the transition to crib after 2 weeks!
I love hearing how everyone shares night-time stuff with their SO, it’s one of my biggest anxieties about figuring this whole life-change out
All of these sleep discussions reminded me, don’t worry so much about what you feel you should do based on fairness, and stick with what works. We learned early on that I have a very hard time falling back to sleep if I get up (out of bed) dh on the other hand could get up, do a few things and go back to sleep in an instant. So he would wake up, change baby’s diaper and bring them to me. I would nurse, then put baby back in crib (attached to my side of the bed). If baby was fussy and not going back to sleep then I would get up and rock.
When we had two, we would trade off so that whoever was up with the baby would get the morning off of toddler duty and the other would get dd ready for the day.
@kmalls I hate room sharing too! At 6 weeks DS was in his room right across from us. He was sleeping better and we were too. When he had growth spurt/crazy night I would take the RNP in the guest bedroom with me but not in our room. Even today when he’s sick and needs to sleep with one of us it’s never in our bed!
With our night time. DH sometimes got up but I'm a very good sleeper so I could wake up, take care if DD and go back sleep like nothing happen. So most of the time I got up but after the first 2 weeks DD gave us lot of good stretches. We also moved her to her own room at 1 month old.
Other advice for tranistioning to 1 is don't be afraid to put baby in their crib or to your partner and give yourself a break. I know sometimes baby will cry and you just want to calm them down. There were a few times DD would just get and nothing seemed to calm her so I would lay her in her crib (so I knew she was safe) walked out of her room, shut the door and walked away for 5 minutes. It hurt to hear her cry but I needed to calm myself and take a breath. Then I would come back and was able to calm her down. So it's ok to step away and take a breath.
@Dumbgurl04 yas!!! That and ear plugs too! When my DS was having a rough crying day I would put on ear plugs to rock him and take care of him. I was still hearing him but it was way less stressing and nerve wrecking to have a couple less decibels than a banshee constantly going on!!
All of these sleep discussions reminded me, don’t worry so much about what you feel you should do based on fairness, and stick with what works. We learned early on that I have a very hard time falling back to sleep if I get up (out of bed) dh on the other hand could get up, do a few things and go back to sleep in an instant. So he would wake up, change baby’s diaper and bring them to me. I would nurse, then put baby back in crib (attached to my side of the bed). If baby was fussy and not going back to sleep then I would get up and rock.
When we had two, we would trade off so that whoever was up with the baby would get the morning off of toddler duty and the other would get dd ready for the day.
This is what worked for us too. I tried to do it all with my first and wore myself out mentally. With #2, I just asked DH for more help, and he happily did it no questions asked. Yes, he was working and I wasn't, but for the first few weeks it's all about survival. You've gotta rely on your partner.
With #3, things will be different because my kids are older. They'll be 7 and 9 when this baby is born, so I'm hoping I don't have to do too much to entertain them once he's here. For the first month or so, I'm planning on still having DH get the two older ones ready for school and bring them. This will let me just worry about the baby. Once I'm feeling better and more normal then I plan to step it up and start to do more with the older ones, as far as school drop off and pick up go.
My best advice is to take help when it's needed. Whether it be from DH or parents or friends, don't try to do it all. Also, don't worry about feeling like you're neglecting the older one. You're not. They'll survive and not be damaged permanently. Finally, it's all about survival. Do whatever you need to do to make it work for your family and don't apologize for it.
This is such a great post, thanks for starting it @lindsye !
On the transition from 0 to 1, @kbamomma33, @lindsye, and @riversdoctor made some really good points about sharing the workload with partners. This was a huge thing for us that we are still fine tuning. Some days it feels like I'm doing more work than DH, and he has days where he feels the same too, and it's hard to not get resentful when you feel like that. My DH is a great partner and does a lot of household and childcare duties, and some things that have helped/made our life easier are: couples counseling (not because we had problems that threatened our marriage, but because we never had conflicts before having DS and therefore never really learned how to communicate well when we did have disagreements, having a child definitely brought up conflicts between us and learning to work through them was great for us), each of us scheduling regular "me" time (doesn't matter what we do, we just both need alone time without kids or each other), I had to learn to get comfortable with asking DH to do things around the house without feeling resentful/guilty about my having to ask it from him (he's happy to do just about anything I ask of him, he just doesn't tend to see when things around the house need to get done), and getting regular exercise (very important for both of us - my jogging stroller is a lifesaver for me!). Oh, also date nights. DH and I started regularly going on date nights after finding out I was pregnant again, and I can't help but wonder why we didn't do it much earlier, it's been fun!
As far as sleeping arrangements go, I get 12 weeks off for maternity leave and DH isn't taking time off, so we'll probably have him sleep in our guest room in the basement while I'm on leave. He'll focus on getting DS to daycare every morning, and we'll probably trade off on getting DS to bed each night. It's going to be rough, but with one newborn, I could hand off baby duties and take naps, but with DS and a newborn, that won't be as easy to do. Once I go back to work, maybe we'll alternate who gets the guest room nights.
I echo so much of what has been said, but things I think that resonate with me:
1. @lindsye said about focusing on your relationship with your partner. That connection will be super important.
2. Life isn’t about what is equal, it is about what is needed to get through.
3. our time aside for the other kids in the house so they get their one on one time. I also am a big fan of having the other kids help it so they feel involved.
I have heard going from 2 to 3 is hard. So I am a bit nervous for the transition, but hoping we get through!
We also slept so much better once DS was in his own room at 5 weeks old. Our rooms are right next to each other. At first DH got up with me, but then we found the shift work schedule worked well for us too. DH was much better taking the first shift from like 9-2 and I did better from 2-7 so that's what worked for us.
I am a ftm and loving these ideas my husband loves to stay up late and I had never thought of doing shifts because of bf (hopefully) but I was talking to my mom about that who always bf but pumped once a day so my dad could do a feeding. helps him get special time with baby. so now we have a plan he will take first shift and I will have pumped and prepared to sleep and I will take the second shift.
@sunshine27shy it was a life saver! you learn a lot about each other when you're both sleep deprived and once we started the shift thing I felt so much more capable
I've loved following this discussion. This is our third baby but our first two are 11 years apart. We made sure to keep our big kids routine the same as much as we could. And made sure to spend a lot of one on one time w him when the baby slept.
I am getting worried about juggling it all with a not quite two-year-old and an infant
One of my bigger worries at this point is if DS will want a little brother by the time he comes. Yesterday I think we got him to understand that there is a baby coming but he still just wants a kitten. We tried reading books about being a brother and he's not having it. Anyone else's kids not wanting a sibling? DS turned two at the end of November.
@peppersmith22 it’s ok, he probably won’t want a sibling when the baby comes! For each of mine, bringing home a new baby has rocked their world and been a very difficult adjustment (and they were each close to 2 at the time). Sharing is hard, and learning to share mommy is the hardest. Once the baby gets old enough to really interact with your DS, he’ll start to get a taste of the fact that this really is a little human who will one day become his play mate, but until then, the older kids just feel kind of screwed over by the whole thing in my experience.
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@lindsye That is my fear! I see a lot of tears for both him and me during the adjustment period. In the end I really believe he'll be happy to have a little brother but in the meantime I think it's going to be tough.
@peppersmith22 that is my biggest concern too. Less how a second baby will impact DH and I, more how my little one will adjust to being a big sister. She will be barely 2 when DD2 arrives and I think it will rock her world. I hang on to the hope that soon they will be close friends.
I've been wondering a lot about feeding time with baby #2-- With DD, I remember her being on my boob almost constantly in the beginning. I'm worried about how going through that again with the new baby will affect DD. Any tips on making child #1 feel included in feeding time or activities that they can do independently while I'm feeding? STMs (both FF and BF moms) anything specific that you did to make feeding time with baby #2 go smoother?
- Some people have a special 'nursing basket' that only comes out when #2 (or 3 or 4, etc) is nursing so the older one has something to do. It's usually filled with a special toy, books, coloring supplies etc, to keep the older distracted while the newborn nurses. (I didn't personally do this but thought it was a great idea! DS was too young to appreciate this when DD was born.)
- Let other people entertain them. My mom was with us for the first two weeks so she occupied DS while DD was in the nursing 24/7 stage. In the evenings, for months... while DD cluster-fed, DH was home to run interference.
- Distract them with TV... After 2 weeks, DD got into a better routine and during the day (while I was home solo) she nursed every 2-3 hours so I used the TV (short episodes of younameit) to distract DS. He's also pretty good at independent play so if he didn't want to watch TV, he would just play next to me on the couch or floor, wherever I was sitting.
- Making feeding time cuddle time. DS was super cuddly (still is ) so he didn't mind sidling up to me and snuggling whenever DD needed to nurse. It was actually super freaking cute how he'd poke her and hug her during nursing sessions.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Re: Transitioning to a bigger family: tips, tricks, words of wisdom
-meal prep on the weekends, if you’re able. It’s the last thing you’ll want to do during your “down time,” but you’ll want to do it even less alone with needy kids by yourself during the week/after coming home from work and having to switch to your second job. In this same vein, for me personally, I would seriously consider being publicly flogged over taking my three kids alone to the grocery store for the big weekly stock up run. I go by myself on the weekends when DH is home and do short runs or online orders during the week for random stuff.
-I really don’t mean to sound flippant or offensive with this one, but in terms of DH... I have been downright amazed how far sex will go in terms of meeting his relationship needs generally. We will basically be ships passing in the night in the heyday of young baby/young kids and have gone an entire week without having a decent adult conversation, but if we’ve had sex recently, I swear he’s basically happy. (And FWIW, DH is a fairly complicated man, so it never ceases to amaze me that this one physical act can go so far for meeting his needs. But it does.)
-In terms of older kids getting used to sharing attention with the baby - particularly in the case of 2 and 3 year olds, who may struggle to fully understand but do fully feel the loss - it’s just really tough. They have a legitimate grievance in that they’re losing a share of your attention, and it’s obviously difficult for them emotionally as well. You feel lots of guilt because you feel like you’re short-changing them, but in the long-run you’re really not - they will have their sibling(s) as companion(s) for life. I make the most of any alone time I happen to have with them - even a minute here or there - as a chance to talk to them one on one or even just have a snuggle, and I feel like that goes a long way. And also remember that everyone will adjust to the new normal - by 6ish months I’ve found that everyone is significantly improved. Until then, just get through.
I guess this is a more practical tip that enables a little peace of mind for parents: babyproof EVERYTHING in the room(s) where your older, mobile children will spend most of their time. I don’t mean just put latches on cabinet doors, but ensure anything that can tip over is anchored down, remote controls have a place that is out of reach, outlets are covered, loose change has a jar to go in, car keys have a hook on the wall, etc.
Inevitably, you’ll need to run to a different room for clothes or get something outside or (gasp!) take a shower, and it goes a loooong way to be confident that your kids won’t find an obvious way to hurt themselves while you don’t have your eyes on them. Nothing is FULLY childproof, of course, but I don’t feel panicked when I run upstairs to get clothes or outside to bring the dogs in anymore. I know the kids can only get in marginal trouble on their own
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
I incouraged alone play since she was born, so thats also something I dont have to do all the times when the baby gets here.
For Christmas I got her a bunch of family based board games we could play with her, but are quiet to not disturb a sleeping baby.
At night, I am having her dad do more of the bedtime routine, so if I am busy putting the baby to bed, she wont cry for me.
She is a flat out Mommys girl, so incouraging her and her dad to do more things together and out of the house has helped a lot as well.
She looooooooooves helping with EVERYTHING, so i keep this in mind whenever I need to do a task, and provide the extra time for her to help which really makes her feel the most happy and important. I also use this time for her to learn new things she can do on her own.
Thats all I have so far... she was a colick reflux baby, so if this baby is too. Well... im sure there will be no saving us for a few months lol
1) Do a ton of freezer meals, if you can. I did a few frozen things before I had DD, but they ran out quickly. This time I'll be doing more. Also, stock up on paper plates, plastic silverware, or anything that will eliminate work anywhere around the house in those early days. Some ladies have mentioned getting help with house cleaning. This is a great idea if you can do it. You can also do one deep clean before the baby comes to help with the transition right off.
2) Work on your relationship foundation before baby comes-- any issues that you and your partner have in your relationship will be amplified x1000 by sleep deprivation and all of the other changes once baby gets here. Adding a baby into any relationship means that the two of you are going to be tested. Hard. Iron out as much of anything that you and your partner are struggling with now-- be that by going to counseling to work on communication, picking up a book like The Five Love Languages or The Love Dare to read together, or squeezing in more date nights, whatever. Practice things like patience with your partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt now.
3) I agree with @rmmorris that getting used to an earlier bedtime is a great idea-- I'd also add getting used to an earlier wake time too.
I'm sure there's a lot more to add here, but this is all I can think of right this second.
My sister had twins 6 months ago and though her husband did a lot during the time he was on paternity leave, when he went back to work he basically stopped helping; because he works full time and she’s a stay at home mom, he views childcare as “her job” and doesn’t do much. I am a SAHM and obviously, during the day it is my job 100%; however, once MH gets home it’s 50/50. I’ve already worked a full day too and when we’re both there, I feel like the kids are and should be a joint responsibility. I don’t think my sister ever had this conversation explicitly, though, so now she just blows up at him periodically without ever addressing the underlying issue. Even if you don’t plan on SAHMing, having several detailed, honest conversations about how you both see childcare responsibilities playing out after baby comes is definitely something you want to do before baby comes, because it is a very emotionally charged and difficult issue to discuss after baby arrives.
2.) when accepting help hold back criticism. It doesn’t matter if it’s done your way or not, as long as it’s done. (This can apply to kids doing chores too!). Dd has started putting her own clothes away. Therefore her drawers are a mess and closet isn’t in ROYGBV order like I do- gasp! But I don’t have to do it so I let it go!!
3.) there will be times you need to go into survival mode and that’s ok. I pick two or three things that make me feel human and help me keep a routine and let the rest go. For me it’s -brushing my teeth and washing my face twice a day. -making sure the sink is clean when I go to bed. (Even if it’s shoving the dirty dishes into the bin under the sink Before bed or strictly using paper during growth spurts) and -making my bed at least one point in the day. My sleep was way off and my “sleep time” was never at night but I made sure to make my bed at least once. I slept better when I was able to crawl into a made Bed!
In the very early weeks, we have the baby sleep downstairs, away from the other bedrooms, in the bassinet attachment on the pack n play or in the RNP. We each take shifts sleeping on the couch next to the baby: I’ll do bedtime to 2am, then I’ll go upstairs to sleep and my husband’s shift will be 2am until he leaves for work (around 6:15). It’s not super fun, but in theory everyone gets a little bit of sleep every night.
ETA: I don’t breastfeed, so me being on a different floor from the baby doesn’t present any logistical problems for us. My husband is able to give bottles.
Has anyone ever switched off nights completely? DH suggested way back that one of us sleeps in the nursery one night and does all of the wake-ups that night, then the next night we’d switch. It’d mean alternating full-on sleeplessness and full sleep and also not sharing a bed with my H until MOTN stuff stops, which I don’t know if I can do.
Married: 10/3/15
TTC: May 2017
BFP: 7/20/17
EDD: 3/29/18
But here’s my FFFC: personally I haaaaate the baby in our room. Hate it. I’m constantly listening for signs of a wake up or stressing that I should be sleeping instead of watching the baby, so as soon as I’m comfortable with it, I put baby in their own room. I’d rather go down the hall a few times a night than have the baby right next to me. We had DS in his crib by 5 weeks (which seems crazy to me now, but it worked then), and DD was in her own room around 9 weeks.
@kbamomma33 thanks for that! Glad you guys found something that works for you as well (ambient pass-out sounds amazing lol). Pretty amazing you were able to make the transition to crib after 2 weeks!
I love hearing how everyone shares night-time stuff with their SO, it’s one of my biggest anxieties about figuring this whole life-change out
Married: 10/3/15
TTC: May 2017
BFP: 7/20/17
EDD: 3/29/18
When we had two, we would trade off so that whoever was up with the baby would get the morning off of toddler duty and the other would get dd ready for the day.
Other advice for tranistioning to 1 is don't be afraid to put baby in their crib or to your partner and give yourself a break. I know sometimes baby will cry and you just want to calm them down. There were a few times DD would just get and nothing seemed to calm her so I would lay her in her crib (so I knew she was safe) walked out of her room, shut the door and walked away for 5 minutes. It hurt to hear her cry but I needed to calm myself and take a breath. Then I would come back and was able to calm her down. So it's ok to step away and take a breath.
With #3, things will be different because my kids are older. They'll be 7 and 9 when this baby is born, so I'm hoping I don't have to do too much to entertain them once he's here. For the first month or so, I'm planning on still having DH get the two older ones ready for school and bring them. This will let me just worry about the baby. Once I'm feeling better and more normal then I plan to step it up and start to do more with the older ones, as far as school drop off and pick up go.
My best advice is to take help when it's needed. Whether it be from DH or parents or friends, don't try to do it all. Also, don't worry about feeling like you're neglecting the older one. You're not. They'll survive and not be damaged permanently. Finally, it's all about survival. Do whatever you need to do to make it work for your family and don't apologize for it.
On the transition from 0 to 1, @kbamomma33, @lindsye, and @riversdoctor made some really good points about sharing the workload with partners. This was a huge thing for us that we are still fine tuning. Some days it feels like I'm doing more work than DH, and he has days where he feels the same too, and it's hard to not get resentful when you feel like that. My DH is a great partner and does a lot of household and childcare duties, and some things that have helped/made our life easier are: couples counseling (not because we had problems that threatened our marriage, but because we never had conflicts before having DS and therefore never really learned how to communicate well when we did have disagreements, having a child definitely brought up conflicts between us and learning to work through them was great for us), each of us scheduling regular "me" time (doesn't matter what we do, we just both need alone time without kids or each other), I had to learn to get comfortable with asking DH to do things around the house without feeling resentful/guilty about my having to ask it from him (he's happy to do just about anything I ask of him, he just doesn't tend to see when things around the house need to get done), and getting regular exercise (very important for both of us - my jogging stroller is a lifesaver for me!). Oh, also date nights. DH and I started regularly going on date nights after finding out I was pregnant again, and I can't help but wonder why we didn't do it much earlier, it's been fun!
As far as sleeping arrangements go, I get 12 weeks off for maternity leave and DH isn't taking time off, so we'll probably have him sleep in our guest room in the basement while I'm on leave. He'll focus on getting DS to daycare every morning, and we'll probably trade off on getting DS to bed each night. It's going to be rough, but with one newborn, I could hand off baby duties and take naps, but with DS and a newborn, that won't be as easy to do. Once I go back to work, maybe we'll alternate who gets the guest room nights.
1. @lindsye said about focusing on your relationship with your partner. That connection will be super important.
2. Life isn’t about what is equal, it is about what is needed to get through.
3. our time aside for the other kids in the house so they get their one on one time. I also am a big fan of having the other kids help it so they feel involved.
I have heard going from 2 to 3 is hard. So I am a bit nervous for the transition, but hoping we get through!
so now we have a plan he will take first shift and I will have pumped and prepared to sleep and I will take the second shift.
as we could. And made sure to spend a lot of one on one time w him when the baby slept.
I am getting worried about juggling it all with a not quite two-year-old and an infant
Tips for making #1 feel included:
- Some people have a special 'nursing basket' that only comes out when #2 (or 3 or 4, etc) is nursing so the older one has something to do. It's usually filled with a special toy, books, coloring supplies etc, to keep the older distracted while the newborn nurses. (I didn't personally do this but thought it was a great idea! DS was too young to appreciate this when DD was born.)
- Let other people entertain them. My mom was with us for the first two weeks so she occupied DS while DD was in the nursing 24/7 stage. In the evenings, for months... while DD cluster-fed, DH was home to run interference.
- Distract them with TV... After 2 weeks, DD got into a better routine and during the day (while I was home solo) she nursed every 2-3 hours so I used the TV (short episodes of younameit) to distract DS. He's also pretty good at independent play so if he didn't want to watch TV, he would just play next to me on the couch or floor, wherever I was sitting.
- Making feeding time cuddle time. DS was super cuddly (still is ) so he didn't mind sidling up to me and snuggling whenever DD needed to nurse. It was actually super freaking cute how he'd poke her and hug her during nursing sessions.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016