Gender Disappointment?

girlyfoxxx · September 2017

I'm 14 weeks and at 12 weeks we had a blood test done showing that we are exlecting a girl. I know that it sounds awful and i do feel guilty but I'm upset ny this. I have always pictured my husband and i with a boy. I'm not into the pink princess or girly things. Not to mention im terrifyed that she will grow up and be like my sister (large ae gap. She is only 15 and alredy having sex very disrespectful and more.) I know not every girl is like that, I wasn't, but thats all i have to base this off of right now. Has anyone had this befor and what is a good way to get over it?

SarahFoley725 · September 2017

This is a touchy subject and you may catch some hate for it, but it's totally normal. Sometimes we can't help but picture our life a specific way and feeling let down when that doesn't happen. I was pretty hopeful for a girl this time. This may be our last baby and I thought having two girls close in age would be really fun! Well, we are having a boy! I was pretty disappointed but with a little time you'll come around to it! I was so angry at myself for being bummed, I was seriously beating myself up over it. I felt like a crappy mom who didn't deserve my son. I opened up about it to my BMB and the ladies there were SO supportive. It really helped to have people tell me it was normal and I'd come around. It happens a lot. Try to be kind to yourself, look at names, window shop for clothes if you don't want to buy anything yet. You'll get excited. Little girls are a lot of fun!

meggyme · September 2017

girlyfoxxx said:

I'm 14 weeks and at 12 weeks we had a blood test done showing that we are exlecting a girl. I know that it sounds awful and i do feel guilty but I'm upset ny this. I have always pictured my husband and i with a boy. I'm not into the pink princess or girly things. Not to mention im terrifyed that she will grow up and be like my sister (large ae gap. She is only 15 and alredy having sex very disrespectful and more.) I know not every girl is like that, I wasn't, but thats all i have to base this off of right now. Has anyone had this befor and what is a good way to get over it?

I think you have an skewed view on girls/women. Surely you know other women that didn't grow up having sex at a young age or wearing pink frilly dresses everyday. You said you yourself were not that kind of girl. Not every girl has to be that way. In fact now more than ever there are a lot of great gender neutral options and empowering clothes lines.

Girls are just as capable at sports, can be just as outdoorsy... it's okay to be temporarily bummed and mourn the family you thought you would have. But try to reframe it and think of all the things you get instead. One day you'll help her pick out her wedding dress. One day she'll walk around in your shoes and play dress up with your jewelry. One day you'll have a built in shopping buddy. Think of all you will get to experience.

Gingermom15 · September 2017

First, don't ever listen to anyone to tries to tell you you're wrong for the way you feel. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they simply exist. No one can tell you how to feel or should be allowed to invalid your feelings.

second, feeling disappointed is normal. Fear is totally normal, too. It is normal to think one certain and be disappointed when it doesn't happen how you imagined. The fact that you are talking about this and facing your views is awesome. You will be a great mom to her. If with time your feelings of fear don't begin to dissipate, maybe consider some sort of counseling. Unresolved feelings of disappointment may lead to disconnect with your baby and PPD.

lovesclimbing · September 2017

Your daughter does not have to be a "princess." My daughter wears a lot of gender neutral clothes and clothes that are feminine without being pink.

I do think that your fear of her turning into your sister is a bit unreasonable. Your sister is not raising her. You are. You can raise her up differently than your sister was raised.

Personally, I have an issue with both boys and girls having sex at fifteen. If you had a boy, there's just as good a chance he would turn out like your sister in the negative things as a daughter turning out that way.

I agree with the others that disappointment is normal, and I urge you to work through these feelings with your husband. Talk to him. Or talk to a counser.

[Deleted User] · September 2017

Disappointment itself is normal, but you also have to sort of get over it (harsh, I know) because like it or not this is your reality. You are having a sweet baby girl.

As others have mentioned, this doesn't mean pink everything, this doesn't mean all Barbi and no Baseball. I'm having a girl as well and I've already painted her room a lovely dusty blue color and the theme is woodland. H is already looking forward to taking her to martial arts classes.

The point is that this is YOUR daughter. Raise her to become the badass woman you want her to be. Your H can still play catch with her or whatever else.

natalie115 · September 2017

I always pictured myself as a mom to only boys. When we found out my second was a girl I was a bit disappointed, to the point where I questioned the rest of the pregnancy if she really was a girl. I'm definitely not a girly girl and really thought I wouldn't have any idea what to do with a girl. She's 2 now and an absolute joy. I love my son with all my heart as well, but she was the daughter I didn't know I needed. You'll get used to the idea and when she's here you'll wonder what you'd do without her.

kiki75 · September 2017

@antoto Your nursery is painted?

I'm so far behind.

[Deleted User] · September 2017

kiki75 said:

@antoto Your nursery is painted? I'm so far behind.

@kiki75 I mean I painted it when we were still trying - long before I actually got KU. I knew I didn't want to deal with the fumes when I was preg. I didn't think about the baby's sex when I painted it, I just picked a color I thought was calming and pretty. I figured since I was the one who would be up all hours trying to get baby to sleep I should be the one to like the color - the baby wont give two shits.

kiki75 · September 2017

@antoto I love all of that. I 100% agree with just making a nursery that I like because the kid simply won't care.

hrdwrkinmom436 · October 2017

I too was highly upset when I found out I'm having my 3rd girl. We didn't do a blood test but a sonogram. The lady wasn't 100% so there is still hope. It was week 13 so week 20 (3 weeks 2 days from today) I will know OFFICIALLY.

I get why you are afraid she will turn out like your sister but don't worry. When she is born you won't see your sister. You'll see your baby and alot of fears will wash away

kiki75 · October 2017

hrdwrkinmom436 said:

I too was highly upset when I found out I'm having my 3rd girl. We didn't do a blood test but a sonogram. The lady wasn't 100% so there is still hope. It was week 13 so week 20 (3 weeks 2 days from today) I will know OFFICIALLY.

I get why you are afraid she will turn out like your sister but don't worry. When she is born you won't see your sister. You'll see your baby and alot of fears will wash away

See... this is a great example of how not to talk about gender disappointment in mixed company. There's "I'm a little bummed" or "I'm worried about my ability to parent a ____" but "I was highly upset" and "there is still hope"???

Those are the kind of things you say when there's an actual serious health problem you're worried about.

Please remember that you're mixing with people who have dealt with loss and infertility and consider your wording.

FTR, I come from a family of three girls. None of us were teen moms or junkies or dropouts or whatever. We're all adults with families and careers. We had a great time growing up and we are each happy to have two sisters. I wouldn't trade either one for a brother.

toesinthesand-2 · October 2017

You're entitled to have any emotions/feelings you want. I really hate this notion that someone is "wrong" for how they feel. I do 100% agree that there are the appropratie places to talk about it, but people who have struggled with loss things like this can be a trigger for them. That being said, I'm a hot mess of emotions these days. As someone who has dealt with both struggling to conceive and pregnancy loss, I was actually afraid to admit that I've been really depressed so far during pregnancy....because society tells me I should be thrilled to finally have a viable pregnancy. I've had a whole range of emotions from anxiety, fear, and even jealousy of friends who have announced their second pregnancies. People probably think my feelings are irrational, but they're MY feelings and I can't change them.

FWIW as thrilled as I am to finally be pregnant I've always envisioned a girl...even DH has been rooting for a girl because most of our friends have little girls and that's just what he's used to be being around . I've been feeling like this is a girl, but I'm sure I'll have some disappointment if we find out next month it's a boy instead. Of course I'll love my baby and be fine, but this could likely be our only pregnancy so that doesn't mean I can't mourn what I envisioned life to be like.

VMRRN23 · November 2017

I feel you. I'm having boy #3, and I was really hoping for a girl this time. Its completely normal to "mourn" for the "theoretical" boy/girl you aren't having, especially if this will be your last/only. I hear from several of my mom friends that it does get easier with time, and if you read articles about it (google gender disappointment), you will see that many people feel this way and that it resolves with the birth of the baby.

There is no reason your little one will turn out to be like your sister. You and your DH will be raising this baby, your baby will become her own individual. And you may decide you like pink or dolls if you start to see your little girl's face light up when she sees or plays with those things.

But its okay you feel this way. And don't let anyone else make you feel badly because of it, because they had a difficult time conceiving or for any reason. We all have our own personal struggles in this world, and just because someone has one that is worse than yours doesn't mean you can't be sad.

jessicaranderson · November 2017

I am hoping, wishing and crossing my fingers that I am having a girl...we haven't found out yet, but I would be lying if I said that I won't be disappointed if we are having a boy. I will still be excited and love our baby no matter what, we created a life here lol. But A lot of people get upset when I say this. I imagine myself bonding with a little girl. Not a boy and I have this intuition that im having a little baby girl. But people don't understand the loss of the gender you were hoping for. I think it's totally normal to feel this way

adventuresomemommy · August 2018

I experienced gender disappointment as well. I am a girly girl, and I was really hoping to have a little princess. I am a dance teacher and all of my experience with kids is with little girly girls. I was bummed when we saw the "hot dog" on the ultrasound image and I mourned the loss of the daughter I wasn't having.

I got over it though because in reality, there is no way to say if I was having a girl that she would be girly. And I have warmed up to having a boy and am now very excited! It's going to be a whole new adventure! Plus, I get to be the only girly girl now

Either gender is great! Babies are great!

harpseal135 · August 2018

brithemartian said:

I experienced gender disappointment as well. I am a girly girl, and I was really hoping to have a little princess. I am a dance teacher and all of my experience with kids is with little girly girls. I was bummed when we saw the "hot dog" on the ultrasound image and I mourned the loss of the daughter I wasn't having.

I got over it though because in reality, there is no way to say if I was having a girl that she would be girly. And I have warmed up to having a boy and am now very excited! It's going to be a whole new adventure! Plus, I get to be the only girly girl now

Either gender is great! Babies are great!

This post is a year old I'm sure OP is over her disappointment of the sex of her kid and is loving baby greatly!

adventuresomemommy · August 2018

Didn't realize that, sorry.

Gender Disappointment?

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