Gender Disappointment? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Gender Disappointment?

I'm 14 weeks and at 12 weeks we had a blood test done showing that we are exlecting a girl. I know that it sounds awful and i do feel guilty but I'm upset ny this. I have always pictured my husband and i with a boy. I'm not into the pink princess or girly things. Not to mention im terrifyed that she will grow up and be like my sister (large ae gap. She is only 15 and alredy having sex very disrespectful and more.) I know not every girl is like that, I wasn't, but thats all i have to base this off of right now. Has anyone had this befor and what is a good way to get over it? 

Re: Gender Disappointment?

  • First, don't ever listen to anyone to tries to tell you you're wrong for the way you feel. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they simply exist. No one can tell you how to feel or should be allowed to invalid your feelings. 

    second, feeling disappointed is normal. Fear is totally normal, too. It is normal to think one certain and be disappointed when it doesn't happen how you imagined. The fact that you are talking about this and facing your views is awesome. You will be a great mom to her. If with time your feelings of fear don't begin to dissipate, maybe consider some sort of counseling. Unresolved feelings of disappointment may lead to disconnect with your baby and PPD.   
  • Your daughter does not have to be a "princess."  My daughter wears a lot of gender neutral clothes and clothes that are feminine without being pink. 

    I do think that your fear of her turning into your sister is a bit unreasonable. Your sister is not raising her. You are. You can raise her up differently than your sister was raised. 

    Personally, I have an issue with both boys and girls having sex at fifteen. If you had a boy, there's just as good a chance he would turn out like your sister in the negative things as a daughter turning out that way. 

    I agree with the others that disappointment is normal, and I urge you to work through these feelings with your husband. Talk to him. Or talk to a counser. 
  • I always pictured myself as a mom to only boys. When we found out my second was a girl I was a bit disappointed, to the point where I questioned the rest of the pregnancy if she really was a girl. I'm definitely not a girly girl and really thought I wouldn't have any idea what to do with a girl. She's 2 now and an absolute joy. I love my son with all my heart as well, but she was the daughter I didn't know I needed. You'll get used to the idea and when she's here you'll wonder what you'd do without her.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers  Lilypie Pregnancy tickers 

    Started TTC Nov. 2011
    1st clomid cycle June 2012- No response :: HSG August 2012- Left tube blocked, right tube clear :: 2nd clomid cycle Aug. 2012 BFN :: 3rd clomid cycle Sept. 2012 :: BFP Sept 30th :: DS born 6/15/13 :: BFP #2 7/29/14 M/C 8/5/14 :: BFP#3 10/20/14 DD born 7/1/2015 :: Applied to be surrogate April '17 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for IFs Dec. '17 :: EDD 9/9/18

  • @antoto Your nursery is painted?  :o I'm so far behind.  :s
    Me: 34 DH: 38
    Married: June 2011
    TTC since Feb 2016
    BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 
    BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
    BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
  • @antoto I love all of that. I 100% agree with just making a nursery that I like because the kid simply won't care. 
    Me: 34 DH: 38
    Married: June 2011
    TTC since Feb 2016
    BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 
    BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
    BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
  • I too was highly upset when I found out I'm having my 3rd girl. We didn't do a blood test but a sonogram. The lady wasn't 100% so there is still hope. It was week 13 so week 20 (3 weeks 2 days from today) I will know OFFICIALLY. 

    I get why you are afraid she will turn out like your sister but don't worry. When she is born you won't see your sister. You'll see your baby and alot of fears will wash away
  • You're entitled to have any emotions/feelings you want. I really hate this notion that someone is "wrong" for how they feel. I do 100% agree that there are the appropratie places to talk about it, but people who have struggled with loss things like this can be a trigger for them. That being said, I'm a hot mess of emotions these days. As someone who has dealt with both struggling to conceive and pregnancy loss, I was actually afraid to admit that I've been really depressed so far during pregnancy....because society tells me I should be thrilled to finally have a viable pregnancy. I've had a whole range of emotions from anxiety, fear, and even jealousy of friends who have announced their second pregnancies. People probably think my feelings are irrational, but they're MY feelings and I can't change them.

    FWIW as thrilled as I am to finally be pregnant I've always envisioned a girl...even DH has been rooting for a girl because most of our friends have little girls and that's just what he's used to be being around . I've been feeling like this is a girl, but I'm sure I'll have some disappointment if we find out next month it's a boy instead. Of course I'll love my baby and be fine, but this could likely be our only pregnancy so that doesn't mean I can't mourn what I envisioned life to be like.
  • I feel you. I'm having boy #3, and I was really hoping for a girl this time. Its completely normal to "mourn" for the "theoretical" boy/girl you aren't having, especially if this will be your last/only. I hear from several of my mom friends that it does get easier with time, and if you read articles about it (google gender disappointment), you will see that many people feel this way and that it resolves with the birth of the baby.

    There is no reason your little one will turn out to be like your sister. You and your DH will be raising this baby, your baby will become her own individual. And you may decide you like pink or dolls if you start to see your little girl's face light up when she sees or plays with those things.   

    But its okay you feel this way. And don't let anyone else make you feel badly because of it, because they had a difficult time conceiving or for any reason. We all have our own personal struggles in this world, and just because someone has one that is worse than yours doesn't mean you can't be sad.
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  • I am hoping, wishing and crossing my fingers that I am having a girl...we haven't found out yet, but I would be lying if I said that I won't be disappointed if we are having a boy. I will still be excited and love our baby no matter what, we created a life here lol. But  A lot of people get upset when I say this. I imagine myself bonding with a little girl. Not a boy and I have this intuition that im having a little baby girl. But people don't understand the loss of the gender you were hoping for. I think it's totally normal to feel this way
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