TTCAL Check-In Week of 8/7

leahcimmichael · August 2017

@MrsBunz OMG!!! I started tearing up reading about your grandparents. How sweet!! We all deserve a love like that!!

@justsuzie I wasn't as big a Freddie fan, but I loved me some Buffy (and therefore Sarah Michelle). I tried getting DH to watch some Buffy with me, but apparently the special effects budget for the CW 20 years ago wasn't high enough for it to age well... so he couldn't get past that.

@ELeighMay I get what you mean about the anger. Sunday I was so full of rage. Sadness I know what to do with, but I feel so ashamed of the anger I don't feel like I can tell anybody. Even though I know it is a normal part of the grieving process.

ELeighMay · August 2017

leahcimmichael Right? I'm actually driving myself crazy trying to keep it in check at times. Sadness I feel like I can rationalize and other people understand and expect of me, but anger is harder to explain. I have a SIL who is due in Nov. and as much as I want to be happy for her, right now I really don't want to have to see her. I feel guilty about it, but I know that any excitement I would have to feign for her would be hard to muster up right now. It is part of the process, but I'm ready to be over this phase and I can't seem to pull out of it.

MooFish2364 · August 2017

@pumpkinpancake I started charting again after af returned. It was about 5-6 weeks after my D&C.

vlagrl29 · August 2017

At my moms earlier today and she told me she got rid of a lot of baby stuff in her basement since she assumes we won't be having another. I had a bit of an anxiety attack early June right before I took a small break from this board. She said after that attack I had she thought I wouldn't want another kid. She says I better think twice before having another baby. I told her we were trying but I'm not being OCD about it.

MrsBunz · August 2017

@rklinge0 my mom is a school librarian, and I affectionately tell her I was raised in the library. I can sight read a shelf, catalog books, and plan a book talk like a pro! The preparation for the coming school year was always her favorite and least favorite time of the year.

@dpjennifer I have tried. She says she'll try to be more sensitive, but then she isn't. ***TW*** Because I do have a DS, I told her I am more than happy to answer questions she has regarding her PG that I have knowledge on based on my PG with him (like the first time she felt BH and freaked out thinking she was going into labor), but no, I am not going to take your PG announcement photos or plan your gender revel/baby shower. I do have another friend PG (we'll call her friend B ) who is due 2 weeks after my EDD, but she struggled with IF for 2.5 years, so she is always a lot more understanding, so she's a good person to vent to when friend A upsets me, and she tries to tone down the PG talk when all 3 of us are together.

dpjennifer · August 2017

MrsBunz Sorry. Unfortunately MC is something many people don't totally understand unless they've been through it. So many 'try' to help or be sensitive, but I don't think most of them actually understand what we need, even when we try to communicate it clearly. Heck, my own mother has said some pretty ridiculous stuff to me that's made me incredibly depressed and angry, and I've been outspoken about my losses and am a pretty "this is what it is. this is what I need" type of person. Glad Friend "B" can help you out some! Having someone who understands is super helpful and supportive!

vlagrl29 Ugh. Sorry for the rough time. I know you've been struggling with all the stuff from past PGs. Hopefully something will work out for you soon!

justsuzie · August 2017

vlagrl29 My DH is oblivious to the FW too. He thinks that whenever we DTD I could get PG.

Mack2342 · August 2017

My DH was the same way. I've educated him since but every time I'm pregnant he says let's put another baby in there. Silly men

leahcimmichael · August 2017

@ELeighMay I've started a mantra when I see a pregnant woman "her uterus has nothing to do with me. My journey is mine." But damn, the jealousy I feel is so ugly. And then when I see stories about women abusing or neglecting their children I get so enraged at the injustice of it all.

My SIL just had her 2nd baby last week. 1 month after my EDD. We're going to visit them on Saturday. I've told DH that it needs to be a short visit because I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold it together around a newborn. I just keep trying to remind myself that it's my actions, not my thoughts that define who I am.

justsuzie · August 2017

leahcimmichael don't feel bad about not being as happy for her as you think you should be. My mmc and D&C was at the end of March and I still haven't seen my best friend's baby. My first loss EDD was the week before she was born and also after my most recent loss. Bravo to you for even going for the visit! My mental state when it comes to newborns is still a bit fragile. I'm hoping that I can move past it soon because I don't want my bf to think I'm ignoring her and the baby. (I think about them everyday but get panic attacks on the way to visit. So the therapist and I are slowly working towards a coping mechanism so I can enjoy her and the baby)

vlagrl29 · August 2017

@dpjennifer- thanks. I'm in the best mental state I've been in about a year so I just want to keep it like that. The anxiety issue I had early june is what made me realize I need to rethink my path here. I guess my mom took that as well she's not having another. It's ok though it's her stuff. I do want to go thru our own basement and get of things I would never use again if we ever had another.

justsuzie · August 2017

Rant-UGH....

So I have a friend who is more than an acquaintance but less than a friend I would share personal stuff with. She is having a baby shower next week (unplanned but welcomed pg.) I declined to go and sent a gift instead. So she asked one of my good friends why I declined and I told that friend she could tell her the deal about my MC (I had originally rsvp'd yes before I had my major anxiety problems and have since realized that going would not be good mentally for me.) So, when the baby shower friend asked when my MC was and my good friend said late March the baby shower friend said, "she's not over that yet?" I get that other people don't understand what loss feels like but do people think before they speak? It was very hurtful and I'm upset but I will get over it. I just wish more people were more compassionate, not just about loss but about understanding that everyone deals with things differently and you never how someone else is feeling.

So that being said when I said to my DH, "the ladies on my message board say it's normal and they get it" my DH looks at me like I've got 3 heads. Sadly, (and happily of course) you ladies are the only people who "get it" when it comes to what I've gone through. Glad we have this safe place. Thank you!

vlagrl29 · August 2017

@justsuzie grief is not something that one can just get over super quick! It amazes me how people just don't get that. I was married before DH and he had passed away before our divorce was final. I had crazy anxiety attacks and couldn't work 1 day because of an attack so I went home. My dad called me and said you've had plenty of time to get over this. Uh it had only been 1 week since the death.

There are times I still cry and I always apologize to DH telling him I can't wait for the day when nothing bothers me any more. He says it's understandable but he hates to see me upset. The crying is getting further and further apart for me so I see that as progress.

jchpg · August 2017

@justsuzie I'm sorry, that's not cool at all. *hugs*
I get it.

justsuzie · August 2017

@vlagrl29 When nothing bothers you anymore then you won't be you. I feel like crying is cathartic and helps a lot. Our husbands fell in love with us for a reason! My DH balances out my over emotional sensitivity by providing me with grounding and helping me cope. Even though it's hard for them to see us upset I think it also helps them to know that they are the ones that we need. Last week was the first time I didn't cry at therapy. So glad we are both making progress in the tears department lol. And, your dad..eye roll.

ELeighMay · August 2017

justsuzie I don't understand why people feel like there's a statute of limitations on grieving. It's one of the most soul crushing experiences you can have, why is there a time frame on when you should be "over it". I find myself at times feeling guilty that a week and a half after my loss that I'm not feeling better yet. In the world of mc I feel like I'm fortunate that if I were to have to lose my miracle that it was earlier on. My heart aches for the amazingly strong ladies that have had to endure a loss very late in their pregnancy. However, regardless of when you experienced your loss, we have all had a loss nonetheless. The length of time does not diminish the extent of the hurt it inflicts. None of it's easy. They were all wanted so very much. It's horrible, and it hurts, you are allowed time to recover and cope. I hope that your semi-friend never experiences what it's like to be so excited to see those two lines on a hpt only to have your entire world drop out from under your feet later. I wouldn't go to the shower either, and you shouldn't have to give an explanation as to why. Sorry, for some reason that one got me fired up.
vlagrl29 I can't imagine my mother making a comment like that to me. I'm not fortunate to have a close relationship with my mother anymore, but either way I would be very hurt. I'm sorry you had to have someone who you should be able to include in your support system make a comment like that. *hugs*

vlagrl29 · August 2017

@justsuzie - DH also tells me its ok to be upset because it's frustrating and shows I still want it.

@ELeighMay - yeah she also asked if DH was pressuring me to have another baby. In reality DH doesn't care which way I want to go he would support it. I have my own issues and I know it. My pregnancy with DD was extremely hard and it has made me scared to get pregnant again especially with life as I'm use to it now is nice. I am scared to have the same pregnancy so when I was anxious and venting to my mom about what if it's the same and I have to work less like last time and I'm afraid that will cause us to be strapped financially. I was also saying well we are blessed to have 1 living child so maybe that's enough. I was having a huge weak moment and I was saying I was scared and didn't know if I could do it again. DH says it's ok to be scared. I personally can't get rid of all the baby gear yet. It would hurt me too much. But I do want to get rid of multiple items that we had collected over the years.

ELeighMay · August 2017

vlagrl29 I think sometimes people forget we need to just vent now and then, even people close to us. I know that's why I came here. I needed people who understood that I needed to just empty my brain of all the nonsense that I'm trying to deal with, which no one I know would truly understand. Everyone who knew the circumstances have taken one of two approaches (including relatives and close friends).
1)fix it by trying to tell me "these things happen all the time" or "these things happen for a reason". Both responses are unsolicited and resulted in me wanting to throat punch said person.
2) They don't say a word, act like they knew nothing to begin with for lack of knowing what to say. Honestly I'll take option 2 every day of the week. There isn't anything they can say to make it better anyway.
We'd been ttc for a year and a half before mc and I never had the heart to get rid of anything either.

MooFish2364 · August 2017

@justsuzie my loss was about a year and a half ago and I still can't bring myself to go to a baby shower. I am honestly just dreading Christmas and it's months away. It will by my third since starting TTC and I just can't handle it. Maybe someday, if I ever have a take home baby, the pain of my loss will be just a distant memeory. But until then it's all just too much of a reminder of something I might never have.

pumpkinpancake · August 2017

I know I'm new to this since I just had my D&C last week, but I so can relate to all of these emotions. It's like I feel guilty for grieving when other people have it much worse when the loss is later on, but at the same time, I'm legitimately upset. Also angry, which I'm trying to control, but it's hard, like others have said.

I just had a follow up appt with my dr today one week post-D&C, and she said everything looks good in terms of my healing. Now I'm just waiting for AF to come back so that I can officially start trying again. Hopefully it won't be a long wait, since it feels like I'm still in limbo until we can start TTC.

40momma · August 2017

2. Not new, been here since the spring. MC in April and again in July. Currently waiting for testing from tissues to come back to see if I can get off the bench or not. It's been almost 2 weeks since the OB had the tissues, how long does that normally take? I guess it could be completely different up here (Canada)
3. Rave - Just had an amazing weekend away with 14 friends, good for the soul.
Rant - DH and I normally have an incredible relationship but we've been struggling a bit since my mc's. He's ready to move on and start bd'ing again (it's been just over 2 weeks since my last one). I'm an emotional wreck when it comes to bd'ing again. We did for the first time last night and I cried the whole time. I know that with my first mc I grieved and took time to cry and process the situation. Even though it still hurts, I definitely feel like I confronted my emotions. With the 2nd, when I found out I was pg, I tried to almost block it out of my mind, scared to get attached. But now I'm feeling guilty that I didn't embrace my 2nd pg the same way.
4. GTKY: Yikes, I'm at a loss for this one.

I feel like I've late to the party and need to spend about an hour catching up on this thread before I start commenting on everyone's post, I'm definitely falling behind here

Mack2342 · August 2017

@justsuzie sorry for that friend. People really don't think before they speak. A friend recently asked me about MC and turns out she had CP. I told her how sorry I was and her response to me was well it what it is and said right you understand and then acted as if MC was no big deal and moved on to another topic. I didn't make a big deal but it was hurtful it was as if she was telling me to get over it. However I later thought maybe she is just trying to hide her feelings so I let it go and checked in with her a few days later.

justsuzie · August 2017

@MooFish2364 Yes, I think I need that take home baby too. I too have had 3 losses since ttc. Sucks big time.

@pumpkinpancake My CP loss and 5.5 week loss hurt no less than my loss at 8.5 weeks. A loss is a loss. I hope you begin healing.

@Mack2342 I acted just like your friend after my first loss...I tried to make other feel like it was nbd by acting that way outwardly. I was dying inside.

vlagrl29 · August 2017

@40momma - sorry BD is emotional for you. I get it. After my loss I remember we had sex just a couple days after finding out and I cried as well. Nowadays most of the time we have sex it's fine but on occasion I still get sad and may shed a tear.

justsuzie · August 2017

@40momma It stinks when our DHs can't trade places with us to understand what we are feeling. Take your time and let him get frustrated....things will come back together in time.

Mack2342 · August 2017

@justsuzie I thought that might be the case with my friend and that's why I reached out to her a few days later to check on her. She seems ok so I hope she is

dpjennifer · August 2017

justsuzie Ugh. I the expectation that we’re just supposed to ‘get over it’ like a week or so later. Just because they can’t physically see our loss, doesn’t meant we don’t still feel it.

MooFish2364 The holidays… let’s not talk about the holidays. ☹ 3rd year for me too… and Christmas always makes me think of children and babies and families. So depressing. If we end up un-benched before then and have another MC, I may be facing the holidays with the realization we’ll never have a baby. Ugh. All the emotions. Why!?!?

Image result for doctor who rain gif

MooFish2364 · August 2017

@dpjennifer I am one of the biggest Christmas fans I know but honestly I'm so close to telling DH and my family that I'm not doing any Christmas stuff this year. Like nothing. I'm so over it. IF has taken so much from me and now I feel like the holidays are just torture.

dpjennifer · August 2017

MooFish2364 Exactly! I feel you. So sorry you're going through this.

vlagrl29 · August 2017

@MooFish2364 @dpjennifer - I'm sorry you guys are going thru it too. Christmas always stresses me out because of how much you are supposed to accomplish in 4 weeks. Last xmas we found out I was pregnant only to loose it the week later. So I suspect if I'm not pregnant by December it'll rub me the wrong way too.

Mack2342 · August 2017

@MooFish2364 and @dpjennifer sorry you gals are feeling this way.

amberruka · August 2017

amberruka · August 2017

@40momma no worries about catching up on threads. My new job has some 14 hour days and there's so much I miss! Ha ha.

Mack2342 · August 2017

@amberruka I love that gif. golden girls are my favorite!

leahcimmichael · August 2017

I'm so glad I'm not the only one dreading Christmas already! Last year was only a month after my first loss and it was such a struggle to get through, but thought that I'd be KU again soon. Now with another MC and IF testing starting that hope for me feels dimmer. Thankfully, I switched from an office job to a retail job a few months ago so I HAVE to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas, which will give me an excuse to skip the Christmas Day festivities.
I feel like such a Scrooge!

leahcimmichael · August 2017

MooFish2364 · August 2017

The Golden Girls are totally my fav! I watch them every Saturday and Sunday morning when I'm drinking my coffee/tea.

vlagrl29 · August 2017

All the feels ladies of this video article linked below. Don't watch if you are feeling weak today as I felt strong today it still brought a tear to my eye.

https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/my-first-ultrasound-gave-me-the-shock-of-my-life?cid=sm_fbn_pt

vlagrl29 · August 2017

I need to back away from puppy ads lol. I found a website that places puppy ads and i'm not even checking zip codes lol but I'm looking in the 2 states that are closest to us - 1 that I'm living in and the state next door. Cool thing is there are pups in our price range. I've probably sent off 6 inquiries. Only thing is some of these ads are a couple years old so I don't know if all of these are current pups or not. But maybe they still breed.

justsuzie · August 2017

@vlagrl29 I looked into rescues and there were so many around us. Our dogs were both shipped up on a bus from the south.

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