While I haven't experienced much mommy shaming in terms of, "OMG, only bad moms do THAT," I have seen it come in less direct (yet still extremely hurtful) forms. Like the mom who out of frustration says, "OMG, I'm so tired, I might as well just toss my kid in daycare for eight hours a day and throw some formula at him/her and then let her scream herself to sleep just so I can have a break." In effect shaming (and inaccurately/unfairly portraying) daycare, formula feeding, and sleep training in one foul swoop. True story.
People say shitty things all the time that amount to mom shaming, and they often don't realize it. It doesn't make it any less hurtful, and I think it's good to point it out when it does happen. How else do you know you're hurting someone?
I'm all for celebrating successes in breastfeeding, and I'm all for celebrating successes in sleep training. Neither of those things are mom shaming. We should be able to celebrate success. But mom shaming comes in allllll kinds of other forms.
***March '18 October Siggy Challenge: Halloween Costume Fails***
Probably not a UO, but, I HATE snoody wives and cliques. I come from a town where we are known for a specific company (to say which company would give away where I live and.. stranger danger, so pretend you know) and the majority of the wives of husbands who work at said company think their poo doesn't stink.
Well guess what, I'm a wife of that same company as well, and my poo does stink. We aren't entitled to anything anyone else is just because of our husbands employer. These people are so high on themselves that even their kids are acting the same as them. It's just sick and I've already explained to my son (8) that he best never act like that because everything these people use to think they're above others could be gone in a flash. If someone wants to be your friend, cool, the more the merrier as long as they're well behaved! Treat others the way you want to be treated, I don't care if you are a cashier at a gas station or the president of a high up company, don't be a jerk. Don't teach your kids to be jerks. That's what's wrong with the world these days. So many kids are being raised to believe the world owes them something and that everyone deserves a cookie for everything they do.
That said, I deserve a friggin cookie for keeping my trap shut when I see this stuff happening day in and day out.
@bettyvonsomethingstein I think that those cases are best handled the first time, right in the moment with a simple, "ouch". It's a somewhat non-confrontational way of pointing out that what they're saying is hurtful. Sometimes people just need someone to push them to think more carefully about their words.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
@bettyvonsomethingstein I think that those cases are best handled the first time, right in the moment with a simple, "ouch". It's a somewhat non-confrontational way of pointing out that what they're saying is hurtful. Sometimes people just need someone to push them to think more carefully about their words.
Ya know, I think that's brilliant. Short, sweet, gets the point across, and if they have questions, it can be discussed. If not, you made your point.
***March '18 October Siggy Challenge: Halloween Costume Fails***
@kmalls I'm with you. No top sheet. Just a duvet cover and a fitted sheet. And I live in a very warm climate but cannot sleep without a little weight on me. Our duvet is an all seasons one and we just toss a blanket on top if we ever get chilly.
When I travel I always try to at least bring my favorite blanket with me and a sheet if I have room. Hotel sheets creep me out.
My ILs constantly tell me and DH that we are doing xyz wrong because SIL did it this way and that's better. So I've been on the shamed train and it's no fun.
AFM, I think paying more for something of quality that you will use is better than getting a deal on something that is less useful because it was a deal. For example my MIL is scandalized that I'm probably going to pay around $500 for a double stroller because SIL never pays more than $150. Except my SIL has 5-6 $100+ strollers. And I will own two. One single. One double. And I use the single constantly with DS. I try not to just buy stuff for the sake of buying stuff or because it was on sale. And overall I own way less in the baby gear department than my SIL.
@kmalls I'm with you. No top sheet. Just a duvet cover and a fitted sheet. And I live in a very warm climate but cannot sleep without a little weight on me. Our duvet is an all seasons one and we just toss a blanket on top if we ever get chilly.
@mdfarmchick it's like I don't even know you... #teamtopsheet
I have a losing battle with my husband over the top sheet. I'm #teamtopsheet all the way, but he always pushes it away and gets it messed up. Drives me crazy!
I agree that mom shaming probably isn't as pervasive as it's sometimes portrayed to be.
I will say, though, that when I see it it's more often than not a cross-generational thing, which is sad. I see mothers and grandmothers inadvertently (I hope) shaming daughters by brushing off or laughing at current parenting styles and personal choices.
Sometimes I swear that my mom sees my parenting choices as a direct attack on choices of hers that may have been different (e.g. Formula/breastfeeding, car seat standards that have evolved, etc.).
@bookishbaker my mom shaming experience has definitely also been cross generational! It makes me sad. From my experience you can pretty well see through to the frustration that some older mothers have that they didn't have the father involvement or general openness and acceptance of different parenting styles like we have more of now. My husband took 6 weeks of paternity leave when our DD was born - when he went back to work his female coworkers (ages 50+) scoffed and asked how his vacation was!! I had a csection and our daughter refused to latch and refused to sleep so he was busting his ass 24/7 to take care of us. When he described that it was no vacation they all opened up and shared their stories of birth/newborn struggles and how little support they had from spouses or anyone else 20-30 years ago. Even though shaming is definitely out there now I am still glad to be a parent in this day and age. And I hope things continue to progress so our children can say the same thing when their time to parent comes!!
Wow I missed a good one today! I am proud of all you ladies being so kind to each other even though there are many different options our board rocks!
I agree with both sides. A lot of the "shaming" I thought was happening to me was actually my mom guilt kicking in and I took everything personally. I do think that moms jump into giving advice without thinking about how it could be taken, especially when we are all brand new at this and have so many emotions over whether we are doing a good job or not. I have also experienced actual shaming though so I know how that feels, and it sucks.
With 2.0 I plan to do my best and say FU to anyone who tries to make me feel bad about it! I am not going to let mom guilt, shaming, or personal feelings get to me this go 'round. No body knows why you are doing what you are doing except for you, and you probably have a damn good reason so they can back the F off! Ok, rant over.
@bookishbaker that is so spot on. Totally agree, it's like just because you choose a different way, they assume you think what they did wasn't good enough. I always find myself saying, "I have no problem with xyz... this is just what works well for us."
The worst part of the mom shaming is that most moms I know, including myself, are so invested in and in love with their children, that they fear that they may somehow mess it up. And then just in general add in all the other insecurities, and getting mom-shamed is the biggest slap in the face. In case I'm not hormonal and anxious enough about (insert new mom thing), now you are making me feel shitty for my choices. Awesome.
It wasn't until after I became a mom that I started building up the women around me and making sure they knew that I thought they were awesome. Motherhood can be isolating if you let it, but also the deepest bonding happens in the trenches. Real moms = best friends ever.
#teamnotopsheet here. I hate them! If I'd listen to everyone's opinions about me formula feeding, my baby would have starved to death. Sometimes exclusive breastfeeding is just not an option as was in our case. Whenever I got comments, I just ignored because I knew what was right for me and my child. But yeah, mom shaming is real and sad
Def team top sheet even though I live in South Florida.
Kind of sorry, but my UO is that expensive essential oil companies annoy me. I buy a very good brand that doesn't offer sales/distributorship that is very inexpensive and good quality. The distributorship EO people can sometimes make other companies out to be poop water.
Double sorry for this one, but I have to express: I've def experienced mom shaming. I'm still nursing my 22 month old. I never ever even had the inkling that formula or breastfeeding were different or that one was better. I would have never thought to call a mom names for feeding her sweet baby. We do it bc it's our thing, we love it and that's it.
It's all fine and dandy when you're nursing a "baby" but society has a milestone where that needs to stop or else you get comments like "please stop" or "please don't be one of those."
What hurts more is that I find myself hiding our nursing relationship. My closest friends have no idea and I don't want to show my son that we hide what we do...
My UO is that I'm not a big fan of FB pregnancy announcements. I didn't do one with DS, and I don't plan on it again. In fact, if you looked at my Facebook account at any point of my pregnancy, you wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. I didn't even post a picture of him until he was 3 weeks old, and even that one all you could see was me holding a swaddle. I have no desire for people who I don't actually see/keep in touch with in life to know anything about my pregnancy, kid(s), etc. For me, unless someone makes an effort to communicate with me on a consistent basis (yearly happy birthdays don't count), there's no reason to know about what's going on in my life. I don't even have an excessive friends list, but there are just enough somewhat random acquaintances that I don't want to do it.
And not that announcements aren't cute - they are/can be. It's just the idea of announcing on such a public forum, not the actual execution of it.
My UO is that I'm not a big fan of FB pregnancy announcements. I didn't do one with DS, and I don't plan on it again. In fact, if you looked at my Facebook account at any point of my pregnancy, you wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. I didn't even post a picture of him until he was 3 weeks old, and even that one all you could see was me holding a swaddle. I have no desire for people who I don't actually see/keep in touch with in life to know anything about my pregnancy, kid(s), etc. For me, unless someone makes an effort to communicate with me on a consistent basis (yearly happy birthdays don't count), there's no reason to know about what's going on in my life. I don't even have an excessive friends list, but there are just enough somewhat random acquaintances that I don't want to do it.
And not that announcements aren't cute - they are/can be. It's just the idea of announcing on such a public forum, not the actual execution of it.
I totally get this and respect it because I think it takes humility and self control.
Of which I have neither and will be AWing the f out of my FB announcement.
@antoto I get that too. I like knowing about other people (which is why I have the acquaintances on my friends list to begin with). As much as I would love all the congrats posts (I really would), I just want my privacy.
@antoto - same here. I've already bought props (tasteful, but still props, ha!)
@day38 - I totally get the privacy piece too, I got off FB for awhile and it was actually super nice. With all my family living far from me it's the easiest way for me to get doses of my adorable nieces and nephews without being the annoying aunt wanting to constantly facetime!
Also chiming in to say that mom shaming is very real. For me it started with comments that c sections aren't really necessary and being told, "I suppose you will only have c sections from now on?" Because apparently they're only useful to helping doc go home early and not preventing dead babies... I would grocery shop while holding my son and nursing him when he was brand new. I was told at least once per trip that I should have taken him to the car. Then, when I weaned at 6 months I heard about how formula is the devils milk. Maybe I live in an area populated with too many assholes, but yes shaming is real. I used to get upset about it, but I must have ran out of fucks to throw around because ain't nobody got time for feeling guilty when there are babies to love and raise.
@missydallas In case you haven't heard of it, the app TinyBeans is amazing for keeping families in touch via pics and sweet captions, and it's free! Much easier to get just what you want (your family), and the app makes it so easy to add photos and videos! Plus, it's all organized into a sweet calendar view. You just make one for your family (whoever you want to include) and everyone can add pics as they have them! It works so well for us because we never have to censor what we put on there or worry we are putting too many photos up. I don't even put photos of our daughter on FB anymore, just Tinybeans! If your in-laws would get on board, I'll bet they would love it!
I can't stand people who wear headphones while driving. WHY? How can you even hear sirens or anything going on around you????
also #teamtopsheet
Whaaaaaaat?!? Lol. I am lost without my headphones. Well, let me be clear... I do not wear them while driving around town UNLESS I am on the phone. I have always been able to hear sirens with them on with no problem. I hate having phone conversations while driving without my headphones. I really do not like the bluetooth in my car and I am surely not going to use my hands. So, headphones it is! Ha.
I hate maternity clothes. All of them. It's hard enough for me to find regular clothes that fit me. I'm 5'11" and big- broad shoulders, big boobs, wide hips. According to clothing manufacturers, I should join a nudist colony while pregnant, because there ain't no clothes for me. Lol
Re: Unpopular Opinion - 7/27
People say shitty things all the time that amount to mom shaming, and they often don't realize it. It doesn't make it any less hurtful, and I think it's good to point it out when it does happen. How else do you know you're hurting someone?
I'm all for celebrating successes in breastfeeding, and I'm all for celebrating successes in sleep training. Neither of those things are mom shaming. We should be able to celebrate success. But mom shaming comes in allllll kinds of other forms.
Well guess what, I'm a wife of that same company as well, and my poo does stink. We aren't entitled to anything anyone else is just because of our husbands employer. These people are so high on themselves that even their kids are acting the same as them. It's just sick and I've already explained to my son (8) that he best never act like that because everything these people use to think they're above others could be gone in a flash. If someone wants to be your friend, cool, the more the merrier as long as they're well behaved! Treat others the way you want to be treated, I don't care if you are a cashier at a gas station or the president of a high up company, don't be a jerk. Don't teach your kids to be jerks. That's what's wrong with the world these days. So many kids are being raised to believe the world owes them something and that everyone deserves a cookie for everything they do.
That said, I deserve a friggin cookie for keeping my trap shut when I see this stuff happening day in and day out.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
When I travel I always try to at least bring my favorite blanket with me and a sheet if I have room. Hotel sheets creep me out.
My ILs constantly tell me and DH that we are doing xyz wrong because SIL did it this way and that's better. So I've been on the shamed train and it's no fun.
AFM, I think paying more for something of quality that you will use is better than getting a deal on something that is less useful because it was a deal. For example my MIL is scandalized that I'm probably going to pay around $500 for a double stroller because SIL never pays more than $150. Except my SIL has 5-6 $100+ strollers. And I will own two. One single. One double. And I use the single constantly with DS. I try not to just buy stuff for the sake of buying stuff or because it was on sale. And overall I own way less in the baby gear department than my SIL.
And of course #teamtopsheet
I will say, though, that when I see it it's more often than not a cross-generational thing, which is sad. I see mothers and grandmothers inadvertently (I hope) shaming daughters by brushing off or laughing at current parenting styles and personal choices.
Sometimes I swear that my mom sees my parenting choices as a direct attack on choices of hers that may have been different (e.g. Formula/breastfeeding, car seat standards that have evolved, etc.).
I agree with both sides. A lot of the "shaming" I thought was happening to me was actually my mom guilt kicking in and I took everything personally. I do think that moms jump into giving advice without thinking about how it could be taken, especially when we are all brand new at this and have so many emotions over whether we are doing a good job or not. I have also experienced actual shaming though so I know how that feels, and it sucks.
With 2.0 I plan to do my best and say FU to anyone who tries to make me feel bad about it! I am not going to let mom guilt, shaming, or personal feelings get to me this go 'round. No body knows why you are doing what you are doing except for you, and you probably have a damn good reason so they can back the F off! Ok, rant over.
The worst part of the mom shaming is that most moms I know, including myself, are so invested in and in love with their children, that they fear that they may somehow mess it up. And then just in general add in all the other insecurities, and getting mom-shamed is the biggest slap in the face. In case I'm not hormonal and anxious enough about (insert new mom thing), now you are making me feel shitty for my choices. Awesome.
It wasn't until after I became a mom that I started building up the women around me and making sure they knew that I thought they were awesome. Motherhood can be isolating if you let it, but also the deepest bonding happens in the trenches. Real moms = best friends ever.
I don't believe in making the bed either...
If I'd listen to everyone's opinions about me formula feeding, my baby would have starved to death. Sometimes exclusive breastfeeding is just not an option as was in our case.
Whenever I got comments, I just ignored because I knew what was right for me and my child.
But yeah, mom shaming is real and sad
Kind of sorry, but my UO is that expensive essential oil companies annoy me. I buy a very good brand that doesn't offer sales/distributorship that is very inexpensive and good quality. The distributorship EO people can sometimes make other companies out to be poop water.
Double sorry for this one, but I have to express: I've def experienced mom shaming. I'm still nursing my 22 month old. I never ever even had the inkling that formula or breastfeeding were different or that one was better. I would have never thought to call a mom names for feeding her sweet baby. We do it bc it's our thing, we love it and that's it.
It's all fine and dandy when you're nursing a "baby" but society has a milestone where that needs to stop or else you get comments like "please stop" or "please don't be one of those."
What hurts more is that I find myself hiding our nursing relationship. My closest friends have no idea and I don't want to show my son that we hide what we do...
And not that announcements aren't cute - they are/can be. It's just the idea of announcing on such a public forum, not the actual execution of it.
Pregnant with #2:
Of which I have neither and will be AWing the f out of my FB announcement.
Pregnant with #2:
@day38 - I totally get the privacy piece too, I got off FB for awhile and it was actually super nice. With all my family living far from me
I would grocery shop while holding my son and nursing him when he was brand new. I was told at least once per trip that I should have taken him to the car. Then, when I weaned at 6 months I heard about how formula is the devils milk.
Maybe I live in an area populated with too many assholes, but yes shaming is real. I used to get upset about it, but I must have ran out of fucks to throw around because ain't nobody got time for feeling guilty when there are babies to love and raise.
Also, FFFC I am a bad mouth mom