Gender Disappointment?

mommaSG · July 2017

To some it can be i was disspointed that my fist child was my ds but i love him dearly but it took me awhile to get it in my head that i was carri g a boy not a girl. You do t know what people have been through to why they have a certain preference my parents are addicts and rapist so i would love a girl so that i can prove that just because you have a shit childhood its no excuse that and i desperately want to have a girl so i can be the mother i never got who did dresses and dance and supported me in every way possi le. I love my son and i let him do sports and he is the worlds biggest mamas boy but i still dream of a little girl so if that makes me a horri le human being than i guess i am a shitty mom

starla · July 2017

@mommaSG You're right that everyone has different experiences. I can sympathize that someone would be upset or anxious in a situation like the one that you describe. However, I still don't think that makes it a loss. Perhaps it's just semantics, but a loss is when a baby has died. It's upsetting to people who have experienced an actual loss to hear someone compare it to finding out that your baby is a different sex than what you had thought or hoped for.
And I don't think you're a horrible person.

Megzb510 · July 2017

I agree with @starla that the use of the word loss is not right. Loss means you don't have a baby to take home. @mommaSG I know you said a lot up there of how a girl would help you get over some childhood stuff and I can see why you feel the way you do....but getting a boy instead of a girl is not a loss. No one is calling you a bad mom, but language is important and using the word loss for gender disappointment is not respectful of those who have gone through miscarriage & infant loss. You might have a daughter who hates dance and refuses to wear dresses. I always imagined being a soccer mom and my son hates playing soccer. Kids have their own personalities with likes and dislikes.

starla · July 2017

Well said @Megzb510!

krjones328 · July 2017

@starla, you misunderstand me. I did not mean a loss as in a true loss of the growing baby, the loss of life. I meant it is a loss of an idea, a hope, a wish that someone grabbed too close to their chest. Anyone who wants something badly enough is going to naturally be disappointed when it turns out differently than they had hoped, especially if they were hoping and wishing with everything they have. But I believe, as you do, that a healthy child is the dream. And even if a woman does feel that initial disappointment, I think most will eventually come around.

However, I sill do not think it is fair to judge another woman based on her feelings, no matter how silly or absurd someone else thinks they are. We have all had tough feelings and emotions we've dealt with and someone is lying if they say they've never once overreacted or responded to something in a way that was deemed inappropriate by someone else. Rather than being judgemental and ridiculing other women (especially very hormonal women), we should be supportive, even if we don't necessarily agree with how someone else is feeling.

starla · July 2017

@krjones328 Thanks for clarifying. And I hope you weren't referring to me as being judgmental or ridiculing other women because nothing in my posts did that.

Knottie55638799 · July 2017

With my fist baby i was a little bit dissappointed that it wasnt a boy..but in no way was i mad or upset. My daughter is my pride and joy and i cant imagine my life without her. This time around we are hoping for a boy..but we are praying more for a healthy baby and thanking god for being able to conceive because so many others cant.

neener*neener* · July 2017

@mommaSG

I am really sorry about your childhood. I want you to know that you have nothing to prove.

soulcupcake · July 2017

krjones328 said:

@starla, you misunderstand me. I did not mean a loss as in a true loss of the growing baby, the loss of life. I meant it is a loss of an idea, a hope, a wish that someone grabbed too close to their chest. Anyone who wants something badly enough is going to naturally be disappointed when it turns out differently than they had hoped, especially if they were hoping and wishing with everything they have. But I believe, as you do, that a healthy child is the dream. And even if a woman does feel that initial disappointment, I think most will eventually come around.

However, I sill do not think it is fair to judge another woman based on her feelings, no matter how silly or absurd someone else thinks they are. We have all had tough feelings and emotions we've dealt with and someone is lying if they say they've never once overreacted or responded to something in a way that was deemed inappropriate by someone else. Rather than being judgemental and ridiculing other women (especially very hormonal women), we should be supportive, even if we don't necessarily agree with how someone else is feeling.

@krjones328 - Nah. I get you. As someone who carried, birthed and held and kissed her son before having to give him to the nurses, I understand what you mean by the loss of an idea or dream. I understood the context of "loss" here. On top of losing my son, a loss of life, I also lost what would or could have been, the hopes, dreams, would-be memories, and everything I envisioned as part of the dynamic of raising a son. So, yes, while I lost my child, I lost everything that comes with the mother-son relationship.

So, yeah, I'd have been bummed, initially, had my second son been a girl. I felt robbed of the experience of having and keeping a son the first time. I was still in the thick of grief. It was a very bittersweet time. I'm sure I'd have processed the initial disappointment as I worked through those feelings and came to accept another daughter. I frankly don't give two shits what other people think about my own damn feelings that don't affect them. My father really, really yearned for a girl. Before his father died when he was 21 he told him over the phone while he was stationed in Japan that he hoped he'd have a girl, since he and my grandmother only had boys. He and his father were just at the point of reconnecting. That stuck with my father, and he was beyond ecstatic when he learned I was a girl, his only. In that situation, I could empathize when the initial disappointment if I had been a boy.

LadyMillil · July 2017

I give major side-eye to anyone that has more than momentary disappointment if their baby is perfectly healthy but just isn't the sex they wanted.

I also loathe being told I have to support anyone solely because we both happen to be women.

Ashoes123 · July 2017

Sooooooo... you're saying it's wrong that I'll be super gender disappointed if it's a boy because it means I'll have to repaint the baby room? Because I'm feeling Lebowski level lazy these days.

starla · July 2017

Ashoes123 said:

Sooooooo... you're saying it's wrong that I'll be super gender disappointed if it's a boy because it means I'll have to repaint the baby room? Because I'm feeling Lebowski level lazy these days.

LOL! Just get a new rug.

par_mach_kai · July 2017

Major lurker alert here (hope that's okay, apologies if not)- but I dealt with being majorly disappointed (and surprised as insane that sounds) when I found out I was having a boy last year. For whatever reason I had always pictured having a girl when I was growing up and I didn't realize how strong that image was in my mind until the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy. I was pretty upset for about 24 hours but then forced myself to get over it and accept it because I knew rationally that I was being completely stupid and needed to be grateful that I was having a healthy baby.

Then when he got here I had a moment of "wow, I have a boy," but ever since then he's been the love of my life besides DH. I can't imagine him being a girl and I wouldn't trade him for 2 girls. I love him so much and can't imagine let alone wish he was a girl now.

Chawk17 · July 2017

Last night in bed DH prefictird we are having a girl bc all of his high school friends just jad bsbies...all girls. NOOOO. I want a boy

chelsea7611 · July 2017

Being so upset they don't want to be pregnant anymore defiantly sounds crazy! I've got two boys 6 and 1 and yesterday found our I'm pregnant. I've always wanted a girl and admit I was little upset when they said boy but I defiantly wouldn't change it for the world. And again I want a girl but there's no girls in my family, only boys so I expect I will be having another boy! I will be slightly upset but I expect it so hopefully I'll be okay. I'll still be happy with a healthy baby and love it as much as Id love a girl but so many fun things to do with girls hehehe

wanderlust10 · July 2017

Talk about a generalization...

wanderlust10 · July 2017

smorzandoj said:

Americans in general are so accustomed to getting what they want all the time that gender disappointment is a real thing. I think it's absurd.

Talk about a generalization...

rainafire77 · July 2017

I would like to have a boy but if it's a girl I'll be happy. I've had back to back losses so just getting to bring home my baby will be amazing and awesome.

Edit to say: I already have a 15yo DD so having a boy would be one of each. I kinda like that. Of course, the girls clothes section is more fun to shop in.....

barefootbee · July 2017

I kinda feel like waiting until the birth to find out the sex puts even more importance on that small fact. I want to find out as soon as possible only because it's another thing that will make me feel closer to the baby growing inside of me. I am dreaming of a girl, but only because I think I'm feeling a girl in there... but I would be OVER the moon with a boy as long as he's healthy. This will be my rainbow baby as well, if all works out, and with the current gender norms being so challenged in this day and age- I don't really see why it matters enough to even "wait and see". I want all info about my baby! Does it have webbed feet? Does it have a high chance of Down Syndrome? Is it sexed a female? Does it have blue eyes? That's all important now - and at the birth I think I'm going to be too preoccupied by the fact that I grew a human to care whether or not it has a willy.

omenka_nneoma · July 2017

essentialpeace said:

krjones328 said:

It is unfair to trivialize how other people feel. When someone gets attached to a certain gender, I think it goes deeper than that. They are already starting to form a bond with the child they think they are having, and finding out that they are getting a different child can feel like a true loss. It doesn't mean they can't form a bond with the "new" child or that they won't love that child, but they can certainly miss what might have been.

I know that I want a girl. I've always envisioned myself with daughters. I really really want this baby to be a girl...but I think it's a boy. I'll be honest, there will be that feeling of disappointment if it is a boy, but I'll move on and I'll find the joy in having a boy, and yes, I will love him.

That's an interesting perspective and I've never thought of it in those terms. I "felt" my son was a girl during pregnancy. I honestly didn't have a preference at all, but when I found out he was a boy, it took me a few days to change my brain. I really had bonded with the idea of a girl and didn't even know it! I found joy very quickly.

This thread is so interesting - so many feels!

@essentialpeace I am desperate to find out the gender ASAP because of exactly what you said. I "feel" very strongly that I'm carrying a boy, and have even had a few vivid dreams to that effect.

Ever since I was a little kid, I always thought my first child would be a girl. (I know, I'm one of those crazies who has always dreamed of motherhood ❤). But then with this pregnancy I kept feeling I was carrying a boy and I am SHOCKED over how fast I bonded with the idea of having a son. I think often of "my son" and I think about "him" a lot. I think about baby blue clothes and matching outfits for him and DH and how much I love "him."

But I know that there is also a 50/50 chance that I'm carrying a girl! If I find out I am having a girl, I won't be disappointed at all - but it will take a moment to change my brain like you said to the reality of something different from what I thought I "knew." This is why I will get the NIPT lolll, so I can know for sure and adjust my dreams accordingly

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