Gender Disappointment?

azmamatobe · June 2017

Maybe I don't get it because I didn't make it far enough to find out the gender and I'm not there yet this time but in my FB Jan/Feb2018 group it seems NO ONE is happy with what they are having.

Is this a real thing? Being so upset about it that you're not even happy to be pregnant any more? This will be my Rainbow (Lord willing it all goes as planned) so no, I haven't felt whatever you feel after finding out the gender but I THINK I'm going to be super excited either way?

smorzandoj · June 2017

Americans in general are so accustomed to getting what they want all the time that gender disappointment is a real thing. I think it's absurd.

GoogleMD · June 2017

It is ridiculous, but I am sure there will be some posting in a couple months about how upset they are because they are carrying a perfectly healthy baby... that does not pee the way they wanted.

madie008 · June 2017

I remember in my birth month club with my son girls saying they were so sad and crying and even detached from the baby they were so disappointed in the sex. I think it's nuts. I think smorzandoj is right, not getting what exactly they want is a very upsetting to some people.

alemarie1 · June 2017

Sorry but this grinds my gears! Be thankful for what God gives you.

MrsJ2410 · June 2017

Yeah.....I spent 18 months trying and a round of IVF for this baby, as long as its a baby, I'm cool.

julievdm12 · June 2017

Saw the title of this thread and was ready to come in guns blazing if it was somebody preparing to be disappointed already at this point.... glad to see that isn't the case! Lol

Seriously I could rant all day about "gender disappointment". After being told that we would never be able to have kids and now expecting number three we are super thrilled! We are happy with every baby that God is choosing to bless us with. The gender does not matter!
Totally agree that I think it really comes down to people being way too used to getting whatever they want, whenever they want it. Absolutely ridiculous.

*end rant*

azmamatobe · June 2017

I guess I just never really thought about it veing THAT big of a deal. Like I know it's normal to ask what are you hoping for, and it is completely normal to want one over the other, but I guess I just never realized that people got this severely disappointed if they found out it wasn't what they were hoping for. I like most people would like to have one of each but at the end of the day if I end up with two of the same that just means they're I'm going to be saving big time on hand-me-downs and have a good idea of what to expect.

Megzb510 · June 2017

After TTC for 2 years, 2 IVF cycles, 3 failed transfer (TW - 2 that ended in chemical) all I want is a healthy sibling for my son. And it just is mind boggling to see gender disappointment, and I seriously side eye it whenever I see it. There is no guarantee that your daughter would want to wear frilly dresses or go to prom etc, and your son might hate sports. A healthy baby is the goal. Not a gender.

eggplantface · June 2017

I was also ready to come in with some choice gifs if this was someone truly upset about their baby's genitalia, but I'll save those for the inevitable disappointment threads we'll get in about 10-14 weeks, hopefully from newbs who don't know better. My BFF's mom just absolutely hates boys, only wants girls, and this woman has a grandson who she clearly does not like as much as her granddaughter. I said to my mom "What did [friend's mom] really say when you told her I'm having a boy? For real." And she said she expressed her sorrow that my mom wouldn't have a granddaughter. I want to throttle this woman and will definitely have some words ready when I see her in person if she dares say anything about my boy.

sabriel1 · June 2017

I have had hoped one way or the other but when baby turned out to be a different sex than I had hoped I just jumped on the new train. I also cannot understand the intense disappointment.

eggplantface · June 2017

p.s. if you want to read some quality drama threads about sex disappointment, search for momofboys, she was in June 17. She was a peach.

Chawk17 · June 2017

I'm going to be the odd ball here. Zero kids, infertility patient, 4 years of trying, took out a fallopian tube to get pregnant. So went through the ringer for this kid. Monthly labs and pelvic checks, and meds..ect

HOWEVER I do want a boy. I've had my kids name picked out for 6 years. I have a boys name (chawk) and a girls name (HJ). And a back up boys in case of twins (sfox).
But I am in love which chawk and will be slightly
Disappointed if I don't get it. Oh well. Not sorry.

eggplantface · June 2017

@Chawk17 I understand being disappointed it wasn't what you hoped and taking a moment to mourn that, but like @sabriel1 said, I'd hop on the other train real quick. I think this is more talking about the ones who are crying and freaking out and just can't get on board with the other sex.

soulcupcake · June 2017

I'm not about to tell some how they should feel. They feel what they feel, and once it sets in, they move past the initial disappointment and accept the sex they're carrying.

I know I would have been sad, initially, had ds2 been a girl. I had a son, and then we lost him. I felt I missed out on the dynamic of parenting a son. I had a feeling I was having another boy, and was beyond ecstatic to find out I was right. I'll be damned if someone tries to tell me how I should feel, and not everyone believes in a deity bestowing offspring, so that sentiment is rather meaningless to some individuals.

I'd be happy either way this time. I've had three girls and two boys. There are times I lean toward wanting a boy to balance things out and I know ds2 wants a little brother.

mommaSG · June 2017

I want a healthy baby however i would be dissappointed i know it sounds horrible of me but ever sense i was 8 i wanted a little girl i have my son and yes a step daughter but in my mind a baby girl will give me the opportunity to prove to myself that i am better than my mother. I have had a rough life faci g physical mental and even sexyal abuse all before the age of 12 so for me to have a little girl gives me the ability to give her all i wanted and never had. Now i love my son to death but for the last 8 yrs he has been my one and only son. With my step daughter i came in her life at 8 and her mother is a lot like mine and so i had to guide her and she grew up to fast i thi k a girl gives her and i both an even bigger bond. So yes i would be dissappointed if i didnt have a girl that being said i know its out of my hands to know what i will have as long as its healthy. Besides i have name for both genders picked out just incase

Chawk17 · June 2017

eggplantface said:

@Chawk17 I understand being disappointed it wasn't what you hoped and taking a moment to mourn that, but like @sabriel1 said, I'd hop on the other train real quick. I think this is more talking about the ones who are crying and freaking out and just can't get on board with the other sex.

Oh no, I'm not going to throw a tantrum.
If it's a girl and I get HJ I'll love her and be happy.
I'll mourn the boy name...but move on haha!

TattoosandLace · June 2017

It's against TOU to come to another board to complain about a different BMB. If you're Jan, stay in Jan with these concerns.

Once you find out the sex of your baby, it's normal to have a lot of different feelings. It sounds like your board felt it was a safe place to work thru those feelings and emotions.

Its still really early for people who aren't doing genetic testing to find out the sex, so maybe also be mindful of that.

eggplantface · June 2017

@TattoosandLace For some reason I read the OP as being in a Facebook group for Jan/Feb18 moms, but now I realize I completely made that up because FB is never mentioned. And you're right, if this is talking about the Bump Jan18 group, we can't bash what they're saying.

[Deleted User] · June 2017

*Jan18 lurker, not attempting to stir up any drama, also hey @TattoosandLace, you were in July 16, right??*

I haven't seen too many ladies in Jan complaining about what they're having, in fact a lot of them seem really excited. I wouldn't use the broad term "no one" when the vast majority of us haven't found out yet since we're just getting into 2nd tri. Like it was said above, if you have any concerns with us in Jan, let us know instead of taking it to a different BMB. That being said, I can't get on board with sex disappointment taken too far. I've seen some users on TB get deservedly flamed for being crazy upset about it.

seitzy3 · June 2017

I didn't read every comment to its extent and kind of skimmed. I'm a mom of three girls and I would be lying if I didn't say I hope that this baby is a boy. Now if this baby is a girl, which I'm about 90% sure it already is because the statistics aren't in my favor, then I'll be upset for a good 5 minutes or so. I think it's okay if you hope the sex of your baby is X or Y but to be honestly disappointed about it enough to rant about it for days or weeks is ridiculous.

meatballs37 · June 2017

We are team green and will be happy either way. I never had a sister so in that aspect I think it would be nice for DD. But it would also be great to have a boy and girl. I don't think I would be disappointed either way. Maybe if they told me it was twins at my first appointment on Monday. I would freak.

azmamatobe · June 2017

TattoosandLace said:

It's against TOU to come to another board to complain about a different BMB. If you're Jan, stay in Jan with these concerns.

Once you find out the sex of your baby, it's normal to have a lot of different feelings. It sounds like your board felt it was a safe place to work thru those feelings and emotions.

Its still really early for people who aren't doing genetic testing to find out the sex, so maybe also be mindful of that.

It was a FB group, not bump related

[Deleted User] · June 2017

Thanks for clarifying @BrandedCowgirl92!

the_other_mother · June 2017

I think that it's unrealistic to expect moms who haven't experienced IF or loss to react the same way about anything. I agree that crying for days is a little over the top, but it's not "wrong" to experience gender disappointment just because some people think you should just be happy that you're having a baby at all. Being pregnant can be scary. The unknown can be scary. I would be lying if I said I didn't experience disappointment when I found out my first wouldn't be a boy. That does not mean I love or did love her any less. It took a little adjusting to get excited, but I got there.

BelhurstBride · June 2017

When this came up on my June 17 board those posters got SHREDDED.

I can't understand the reaction. I mean, you had to have known going into this that it was a 50/50 shot.

And I agree with the PPs, I'm just praying this is our rainbow baby.

lainikins · June 2017

As my wise 5 yo says, "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

That at being said, I understand a little disappointment for a short period of time. You may have been picturing your future and imagining life a certain way. It might take a little while, but I would hope people would be able to adjust.

Aeml1985 · June 2017

I'd "like" another girl because less shopping and saving some moolah, but I would never ever use the word dissapointed if it turns out taco is a boy. But for that reason, we will find out the sex so I have time to sell off a sh*t ton of clothes lol

ladybug0088 · June 2017

I really do just want a healthy baby. I'll be happy either way.

My DD keeps saying I'm having a girl though and DH thinks we are having another girl.

I just want to know so the shopping can begin! Haha

BelhurstBride · June 2017

eggplantface said:

p.s. if you want to read some quality drama threads about sex disappointment, search for momofboys, she was in June 17. She was a peach.

I don't know how I missed this comment but OMG yes. And she WOULD. NOT. STOP.

Meanwhile, we had several members who were facing pretty awful news, and she couldn't see why her constant posts were upsetting.

MamaRoni · July 2017

BelhurstBride said:

eggplantface said:

p.s. if you want to read some quality drama threads about sex disappointment, search for momofboys, she was in June 17. She was a peach.

I don't know how I missed this comment but OMG yes. And she WOULD. NOT. STOP.

Meanwhile, we had several members who were facing pretty awful news, and she couldn't see why her constant posts were upsetting.

I have an IRL friend who was preg with boy #4.... pitched a holy fit.... went to 3 Drs and a few elective ultrasound places.... still believed it was a Girl because God told her it was and ordained it in her story....
Baby #4 was still a boy.... smh

I have 5 boys and will honestly kinda panic of this is a girl. Like.... we do boys. No idea how the gurl would throw us off

Charmndmom · July 2017

I will be sad for one day if we are having another boy, but then will be happy. I just have so much girl stuff to pass on! Course we would try once more if that is the case!

chucksmom15 · July 2017

Aeml1985 said:

I'd "like" another girl because less shopping and saving some moolah, but I would never ever use the word dissapointed if it turns out taco is a boy. But for that reason, we will find out the sex so I have time to sell off a sh*t ton of clothes lol

OMG we are calling our baby Taco too!!!

barrelocarol · July 2017

I understand both sides. Even without infertilit. experience, I feel very, very lucky to have kids, period, so I've always been one to be very excited for whatever I get to have.

But, I completely understand that people can experience worry. I was so excited to find out we were having a boy and I also wondered how I would successfully raise a self confident person with a different sex and set of social pressures than me.

Now, my son is who he is and I am seeing how it all falls into place, but I did worry I would ruin him. Sometimes, I wonder if some (not all) people with "gender disappointment" are experiencing this but aren't sharing what's on their hearts?

Chawk17 · July 2017

Nope not me

just in love with a specific name that happens to be a boys name. No qualms about the future here.

mamabutt · July 2017

For me, I have 2 wants:
#1 want is a healthy baby. Duh.
#2 want is a girl

If it's another boy, cool. I have experience in that area so it's whatever. Yeah, I'll be sad cuz this is our last and I so badly want a girl in our boy clan. But I'm not going to go into a depression about it.

clc515 · July 2017

DH wants a girl and i want a boy... there will be happiness either way as long as baby comed out healthy! Plus side fir me if it is a girl: we can reuse my beautifully girly childhood furniture lol! But I'd still love a boy ha... we are really just praying for healthy and happy though!

krjones328 · July 2017

It is unfair to trivialize how other people feel. When someone gets attached to a certain gender, I think it goes deeper than that. They are already starting to form a bond with the child they think they are having, and finding out that they are getting a different child can feel like a true loss. It doesn't mean they can't form a bond with the "new" child or that they won't love that child, but they can certainly miss what might have been.

I know that I want a girl. I've always envisioned myself with daughters. I really really want this baby to be a girl...but I think it's a boy. I'll be honest, there will be that feeling of disappointment if it is a boy, but I'll move on and I'll find the joy in having a boy, and yes, I will love him.

essentialpeace · July 2017

krjones328 said:

It is unfair to trivialize how other people feel. When someone gets attached to a certain gender, I think it goes deeper than that. They are already starting to form a bond with the child they think they are having, and finding out that they are getting a different child can feel like a true loss. It doesn't mean they can't form a bond with the "new" child or that they won't love that child, but they can certainly miss what might have been.

I know that I want a girl. I've always envisioned myself with daughters. I really really want this baby to be a girl...but I think it's a boy. I'll be honest, there will be that feeling of disappointment if it is a boy, but I'll move on and I'll find the joy in having a boy, and yes, I will love him.

That's an interesting perspective and I've never thought of it in those terms. I "felt" my son was a girl during pregnancy. I honestly didn't have a preference at all, but when I found out he was a boy, it took me a few days to change my brain. I really had bonded with the idea of a girl and didn't even know it! I found joy very quickly.

starla · July 2017

krjones328 said:

It is unfair to trivialize how other people feel. When someone gets attached to a certain gender, I think it goes deeper than that. They are already starting to form a bond with the child they think they are having, and finding out that they are getting a different child can feel like a true loss. It doesn't mean they can't form a bond with the "new" child or that they won't love that child, but they can certainly miss what might have been.

I know that I want a girl. I've always envisioned myself with daughters. I really really want this baby to be a girl...but I think it's a boy. I'll be honest, there will be that feeling of disappointment if it is a boy, but I'll move on and I'll find the joy in having a boy, and yes, I will love him.

***TW***
That is not a loss. A healthy baby of any gender is a beautiful, wonderful miracle. I don't understand how you could compare that to any type of loss (MC, CP, stillbirth, child loss, etc..

heatherdubrow · July 2017

@starla agreed. Finding out that your baby has a different set of genitalia than you hoped for is not a loss.

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