@Neludelu asked for a story of how I showed up to "meet" all you ladies, so here you go! Beware, it'll probably be long, because I'm a talker, so feel free to not read all of it or skim.
DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years (in May), and we'd always said we were on a "5-year plan" to have kids. We didn't want to have children right away, and frankly, I was terrified at the "exit strategy" of birth, so I was totes cool with putting it off for awhile. A few years after we got married, we moved overseas for an expat assignment, and it was an amazing opportunity to live in Europe and explore with little to no responsibilities (other than work and our cat). When we moved home in 2013, we decided to give TTC a go, and I tossed the foil pack of fun into the trash.
Fast forward a year. Nada. I hadn't been temping or anything, but OPKs were popping up positive at the exact same time every month, and my period could be used to calibrate the world clock. I decided to temp a bit to make sure I was ovulating, and from the 5-6 months I did it, I had clear temp shifts each month that corresponded with the OPKs. So, we decided to see an RE. I think DH was a bit hesitant to admit there might be an issue...I think he was concerned it was him, and covered it up with just saying "we need to try longer/harder." So, went to RE, went through all the tests, everything came back fine. Tried a few more months on our own after the HCG, in case we just needed to "clear the pipes" and nothing happened. So, back to the RE we went, and started with medicated IUIs (Femara). Each IUI (we did 3), I had good, solid follicles (2-3 each time) and everything went off without a hitch. No pregnancy. So...we decided to move on to IVF. At this point, I think DH was finally able to admit that it wasn't just a matter of we weren't trying hard enough, or having sex enough.
IVF went well. I tolerated the meds well, and only gained a few pounds from it all. The shots weren't a bit deal, and I didn't have any sort of mood swings. Everything progressed textbook, and after 9 days of stimming, we did an ER. They retrieved 11 eggs, 8 were mature, and 7 fertilized with ICSI. I was on cloud-9 thinking this was FINALLY it! We had planned on doing a freeze all cycle with PGS, so I had taken shots after our ER to basically shut down my ovaries and help prevent OHSS, plus our clinic had better results with this plan. By Day 5, I was on pins and needles, wondering how many had gone to blast. Got a call from the RE, and was told that none of them had made it to blast, but a few of them were nearly there, so they were going to give them another day. At this point, even though there was "technically" hope that Day 6 would be better, I was pretty sure where this was going. So, when I got the call the next day that, although a few had made it to blast, they were all abnormal and we weren't able to freeze or biopsy anything, I wasn't exactly surprised. Unfortunately, this kicked off a month from hell, in which my cat got sick, my brother died suddenly, and my work also did a massive layoff that I (thankfully) wasn't affected by. Needless to say...that month sucked, and we decided to take a break over the Christmas holiday and look at it again in the new year.
So...that got us to January 2016. I wasn't really keen on doing IVF again. To be honest, I'd never really been tied to the idea of being pregnant in the first place, though obviously once that decision was taken from me, I felt like I NEEDED to be pregnant. I got over it, but every now and then it still hurts. DH is the more logical/pragmatic of us and didn't want to throw away more money on a "chance" that it all might work out. We considered embryo adoption, but kept coming back to me not necessarily wanting to be pregnant.
Disclaimer: I'm adopted. It was a kinship adoption, and I was adopted by my maternal grandparents, but adoption is something that I've ALWAYS wanted for myself. I just (foolishly) always assumed that I'd have a mix of bio kids and adoptive kids, and it'd be one big, happy family.
So...one day in February 2016, DH just looked at me and was like, "I'm ready to be done trying...I want to explore adoption." And just like that, I felt SUCH a sense of relief. Finally, I was excited about this journey, and I knew this was really the right path for us (enter all that emotional mumbo-jumbo, FEELZ stuff here). So, we kicked off the adoption process with a new sense of excitement.
We explored some of the different agencies in the Midwest and finally picked one. The agency was lovely, they really cared about the birth moms and there was such a support system for everyone through that agency. However, they're a smaller agency and they don't see that many placements a year, so the wait times are longer. We decided to still go with them and started the process of the home study. The paperwork was ridiculous, but we got everything finished in a few months. That was April 2016.
Around September 2016, I started getting concerned with the lack of contact with the agency and how we weren't really getting shown very much. The agency is still wonderful, and I'd recommend them to anyone, but I wanted to branch out and add a second agency to increase our chances. DH agreed, and I started speaking with an agency that my colleague/friend recommended (she is good friends with the director of the agency). I felt really good about them (as did DH), so we decided that, with the start of 2017, we'd sign with them as well and work with both agencies.
Re: Our Adoption Story, otherwise titled "How I Showed Up On The June 2017 Moms Board"
Part Deux: The Influx of Expecting and Birth Mothers. Otherwise titled, "I Love our Second Agency and Want to be Besties with the Director"
So...I had spoken with the director back in September, and it was now coming up on Christmas. She knew that we were wanting to sign with them come the new year, so we were just looking forward to the holidays. Randomly, out of nowhere one morning, I got a text and an email from the director of the second agency (we'll call her "S"). S apologized for contacting me, knowing that we weren't going to sign until January, but she had a baby born situation crop up and was wondering if we wanted to be shown to the birth mother. The adoption was at risk because they weren't sure if the bio father was on board with the adoption plan, and most of the other couples at the agency weren't willing to entertain that sort of risk. So, I spoke with DH, and he was all about being shown, so we managed to get a copy of our adoption book sent out to the agency and off it went to the birth mom. No word for a few days, then S got back to me, letting me know that the birth mother wasn't confident in the plan and her parents weren't supportive. I figured it would go nowhere, especially with the pressure of being young and having parents that weren't supportive of the adoption plan, so neither of us were shocked when she decided to parent.
That sucked, but we'd already gotten closer than we ever had before to becoming parents. It definitely reaffirmed our decision to add a second agency, and we were getting excited at the possibilities ahead. Right before Christmas (literally, like the 23rd of December) I got another text from S, letting us know that she actually had two expecting mothers wanting to make adoption plans and wanting to know if we wanted to be shown to them. In addition to this, they had another baby born situation (the baby was 2 months old), and that was open for us to being shown as well.
We passed on the baby born. DH felt that was too "omg, we can't possibly be ready in a few hours to parent" and I was all "Dude, AMAZON PRIME, DUH!!!" Yeah, he wasn't comfortable, and I respected that, so we passed.
For the other two expecting moms, one woman was due in March and another in June. There were risks to both, mainly the long match time for the lady due in June, but we decided we were open to being shown to both. I honestly though the one in March would be the one. She was Catholic (as was I), and she asked the agency to ask us if either of us played music, because music was a big deal to her. I play 5 different musical instruments, so I was like, "SERENDIPITY!" Yeah...no. She picked another adoptive couple. LOL, goes to show what I know.
Which brings us to now. The expecting mother due in June. She liked our book and wanted to speak with us on the phone. We actually had a phone "date" for January 2nd. Honest to God, this was one of the most nerve wracking moments of my life. DH was cool as a cucumber and I was like, "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!!!!" like she could really see our house. We spoke on the phone for over an hour...and you hear these clichéd sayings like, "you'll know when it's right." I always rolled my eyes, but damn, they were right. I felt SO comfortable during the conversation. I had such a crazy sense of love and compassion for this woman, and I'd never even met her. We laughed, joked, talked, learned about each other...it went very well. We got off the phone and talked (DH and I), and I texted S, telling her it went well and I'd call her the next day.
S actually called us right back. She said that the expecting mom really loved us, and wanted to cancel her other phone calls with the other couples she considered. She wanted us! We were matched! OMG...I didn't sleep all night that night. We were FINALLY (maybe) going to have a baby!!
So, over the past three months, we've been keeping in touch with the EM via phone calls and texts. She's lovely. Like, truly truly lovely. Sweet and kind, and just all around a great person. I can't really describe our relationship, because although we've never met, I feel extremely close to her (and I hope she feels the same). We have a visit scheduled to go meet with her, and leave soon for that.
And that's how I came to meet all of you! After a few months, I felt more confident in joining a BMB to get an idea of what to expect, since I figured some of the women would be STM/TTM and so on. Plus, I figured, it was going to suck either way if EM changed her mind and decided to parent, so may as well meet some people and have a support system if it all falls apart. I'm hopeful it doesn't, but it's always in the back of my mind that it's entirely up to her and she might decide to parent. So...anxiety inducing, but we're trying to be hopeful!
That's our story, as of now! Any questions, I'm happy to answer!
So happy for you and your husband!
Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands! Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years). Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second." ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
Nope, you're right! We leave Sunday to visit her! I'm nearly finished with her quilt, all I have to do is finish the binding!
You don't have to answer this question if you don't feel comfortable, but about how much was the cost of the adoption? We paid $25k for IVF (which doesn't include the cost of 3 prior IUIs) so I'm no stranger to paying a crapload of money to have a baby, but would like to know our options if it comes to it for baby #2! Reading your story has given me hope, since I know we aren't guaranteed another success with IVF
Me: 34, DH: 38 ~ TTC since 2014
IUI #1-3 (Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016) = BFNs
IVF ER (July 2016) = 7 PGS normal embryos
FET #1 (Sept 2016) = BFP! DD born 5/30/17
FET #2 (April 2019) = BFN
FET #3 (July 2019) = BFP! DS born 3/27/20
@wifeinraleigh28, I don't mind answering, but the truth is, it is a HUGE range. A lot of factors come into play, like birth mother expenses (and whether you're in a state that has capped the expenses to a certain amount), whether or not the birth mother has insurance (if not, adoptive parents are on the hook for medical expenses), and agency/legal expenses. Legal expenses will vary from state to state, depending on how much the state requires an agency to look into potential birth fathers, and if you're adopting from a state other than your own, there are additional fees for ICPC. Agency fees also vary wildly...our two agencies had as much as a $20k disparity, depending on the situation.
All in, we'll be at more than the IVF cycle...considerably more. However, we're adopting from a state that does not cap birth mother expenses, legal fees are higher, and we'll be dealing with ICPC. Thankfully, there are federal tax credits that we'll apply for after finalization completes, and our state also has a tax credit we'll apply for. In addition, our company offers a $5k reimbursement for adoption expenses after finalization, so that's helpful. Through the tax credits and the work reimbursements, we'll end up getting back around 45% of the adoption expenses, which is a relief.
So, yeah...i don't mean to give a vague answer, but I've seen adoption expenses anywhere from $5k - $50k. The lower end is usually people who self match without an agency, and I'm not sure if that includes legal expenses. We contacted a law firm that does adoptions prior to picking our first agency, and we were given a range from $45-$55k, all in, for a healthy newborn. So...you have to look around and decide what you're comfortable with, but just know it can be less expensive with extra effort (finding your own match, doing your own advertising, etc.).
Hope that helps!
Me: 34, DH: 38 ~ TTC since 2014
IUI #1-3 (Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016) = BFNs
IVF ER (July 2016) = 7 PGS normal embryos
FET #1 (Sept 2016) = BFP! DD born 5/30/17
FET #2 (April 2019) = BFN
FET #3 (July 2019) = BFP! DS born 3/27/20
BFP Oct 2011 - DD born July 2012
TTC again since July 2014
First IUI 9/26/16: BFP!
EDD 6/19/2017
It's a girl!
Born 6/26/17, 9lb 5oz
BFP #1 6/13 DD 3/14
Mirena 10/14-5/16
BFP #2 9/2/16, CP confirmed 9/8/16
BFP #3 10/10/16 EDD 6/22/17
Awww, thanks ladies!! Seriously, I'm happy to answer questions, if anyone has them. Adoption has always been a part of my life, so it sort of seems second nature in some ways.
@wifeinraleigh28, yeah...the unknowns are killing me at times, that's for sure. my anxiety gets the better of me a lot, but thankfully I have a great therapist who has adopted a child from China, so at least she understands some of what we're going through.
I think you are uniquely prepared to be an (adoptive) parent, since you were also adopted. Your compassion and empathy for your birth mother is beautiful!
Also, I know you have a lot of anxieties going into the meeting with EM and you're feeling the pressure to live up to expectations. Honestly, all you need to do is be yourself and she will love you (as she already does). I really can't wait for this for you and look forward to hearing updates!
Me: 34, DH: 38 ~ TTC since 2014
IUI #1-3 (Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016) = BFNs
IVF ER (July 2016) = 7 PGS normal embryos
FET #1 (Sept 2016) = BFP! DD born 5/30/17
FET #2 (April 2019) = BFN
FET #3 (July 2019) = BFP! DS born 3/27/20
Me: 36; DH: 38
DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17!
**TW**
MMC & D&C Aug 2016
BFP #1 9/1999. DD Born 6/7/2000
BFP #2 10/2011. EDD 7/11/12. MMC discovered 11/2/11. D&C 11/4/11.
DX PCOS 10/2012.
BFP#3 1/11/13. DS Born 9/17/2013
BFP#4 9/30/17. Grow baby grow!
~Everyone Welcome~
DH: 35 | Me: 29
BFP #1- 07.25.12, EDD: 03.24.13, DD born 03.26.13
Surprised BFP #2- 02.25.15, EDD: 10/29/15 |*m/c 7w4d, D&C 04.02.2015
BFP #3- 01.21.16, EDD: 09.29.26 |*m/c-blighted ovum 2.19.16 8w1d, D&C 03.04.16
BFP #4- 05.24.16, EDD: 02.04.17 |*natural m/c- 07.08.16, 9w1d
BFP #5- 09/25/16, EDD: 06.07.17 GROW, BABY, GROW!
Not to imply pressure/obligation at all. Just so nervous/excited for them!