Our Adoption Story, otherwise titled "How I Showed Up On The June 2017 Moms Board"

krex-2 · March 2017

@Neludelu asked for a story of how I showed up to "meet" all you ladies, so here you go! Beware, it'll probably be long, because I'm a talker, so feel free to not read all of it or skim.

DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years (in May), and we'd always said we were on a "5-year plan" to have kids. We didn't want to have children right away, and frankly, I was terrified at the "exit strategy" of birth, so I was totes cool with putting it off for awhile. A few years after we got married, we moved overseas for an expat assignment, and it was an amazing opportunity to live in Europe and explore with little to no responsibilities (other than work and our cat). When we moved home in 2013, we decided to give TTC a go, and I tossed the foil pack of fun into the trash.

Fast forward a year. Nada. I hadn't been temping or anything, but OPKs were popping up positive at the exact same time every month, and my period could be used to calibrate the world clock. I decided to temp a bit to make sure I was ovulating, and from the 5-6 months I did it, I had clear temp shifts each month that corresponded with the OPKs. So, we decided to see an RE. I think DH was a bit hesitant to admit there might be an issue...I think he was concerned it was him, and covered it up with just saying "we need to try longer/harder." So, went to RE, went through all the tests, everything came back fine. Tried a few more months on our own after the HCG, in case we just needed to "clear the pipes" and nothing happened. So, back to the RE we went, and started with medicated IUIs (Femara). Each IUI (we did 3), I had good, solid follicles (2-3 each time) and everything went off without a hitch. No pregnancy. So...we decided to move on to IVF. At this point, I think DH was finally able to admit that it wasn't just a matter of we weren't trying hard enough, or having sex enough.

IVF went well. I tolerated the meds well, and only gained a few pounds from it all. The shots weren't a bit deal, and I didn't have any sort of mood swings. Everything progressed textbook, and after 9 days of stimming, we did an ER. They retrieved 11 eggs, 8 were mature, and 7 fertilized with ICSI. I was on cloud-9 thinking this was FINALLY it! We had planned on doing a freeze all cycle with PGS, so I had taken shots after our ER to basically shut down my ovaries and help prevent OHSS, plus our clinic had better results with this plan. By Day 5, I was on pins and needles, wondering how many had gone to blast. Got a call from the RE, and was told that none of them had made it to blast, but a few of them were nearly there, so they were going to give them another day. At this point, even though there was "technically" hope that Day 6 would be better, I was pretty sure where this was going. So, when I got the call the next day that, although a few had made it to blast, they were all abnormal and we weren't able to freeze or biopsy anything, I wasn't exactly surprised. Unfortunately, this kicked off a month from hell, in which my cat got sick, my brother died suddenly, and my work also did a massive layoff that I (thankfully) wasn't affected by. Needless to say...that month sucked, and we decided to take a break over the Christmas holiday and look at it again in the new year.

So...that got us to January 2016. I wasn't really keen on doing IVF again. To be honest, I'd never really been tied to the idea of being pregnant in the first place, though obviously once that decision was taken from me, I felt like I NEEDED to be pregnant. I got over it, but every now and then it still hurts. DH is the more logical/pragmatic of us and didn't want to throw away more money on a "chance" that it all might work out. We considered embryo adoption, but kept coming back to me not necessarily wanting to be pregnant.

Disclaimer: I'm adopted. It was a kinship adoption, and I was adopted by my maternal grandparents, but adoption is something that I've ALWAYS wanted for myself. I just (foolishly) always assumed that I'd have a mix of bio kids and adoptive kids, and it'd be one big, happy family.

So...one day in February 2016, DH just looked at me and was like, "I'm ready to be done trying...I want to explore adoption." And just like that, I felt SUCH a sense of relief. Finally, I was excited about this journey, and I knew this was really the right path for us (enter all that emotional mumbo-jumbo, FEELZ stuff here). So, we kicked off the adoption process with a new sense of excitement.

We explored some of the different agencies in the Midwest and finally picked one. The agency was lovely, they really cared about the birth moms and there was such a support system for everyone through that agency. However, they're a smaller agency and they don't see that many placements a year, so the wait times are longer. We decided to still go with them and started the process of the home study. The paperwork was ridiculous, but we got everything finished in a few months. That was April 2016.

Around September 2016, I started getting concerned with the lack of contact with the agency and how we weren't really getting shown very much. The agency is still wonderful, and I'd recommend them to anyone, but I wanted to branch out and add a second agency to increase our chances. DH agreed, and I started speaking with an agency that my colleague/friend recommended (she is good friends with the director of the agency). I felt really good about them (as did DH), so we decided that, with the start of 2017, we'd sign with them as well and work with both agencies.

neludelu · March 2017

Thank you for sharing! How did you get in contact with the birth mom and what was your reaction? Is this the first time you've been matched? What's your thought process as you go through this journey? I can only imagine that it is a horrible mix of the happiest and scariest emotions of your life.

EmeraldNC · March 2017

Thanks for sharing!

krex-2 · March 2017

Part Deux: The Influx of Expecting and Birth Mothers. Otherwise titled, "I Love our Second Agency and Want to be Besties with the Director"

So...I had spoken with the director back in September, and it was now coming up on Christmas. She knew that we were wanting to sign with them come the new year, so we were just looking forward to the holidays. Randomly, out of nowhere one morning, I got a text and an email from the director of the second agency (we'll call her "S"). S apologized for contacting me, knowing that we weren't going to sign until January, but she had a baby born situation crop up and was wondering if we wanted to be shown to the birth mother. The adoption was at risk because they weren't sure if the bio father was on board with the adoption plan, and most of the other couples at the agency weren't willing to entertain that sort of risk. So, I spoke with DH, and he was all about being shown, so we managed to get a copy of our adoption book sent out to the agency and off it went to the birth mom. No word for a few days, then S got back to me, letting me know that the birth mother wasn't confident in the plan and her parents weren't supportive. I figured it would go nowhere, especially with the pressure of being young and having parents that weren't supportive of the adoption plan, so neither of us were shocked when she decided to parent.

That sucked, but we'd already gotten closer than we ever had before to becoming parents. It definitely reaffirmed our decision to add a second agency, and we were getting excited at the possibilities ahead. Right before Christmas (literally, like the 23rd of December) I got another text from S, letting us know that she actually had two expecting mothers wanting to make adoption plans and wanting to know if we wanted to be shown to them. In addition to this, they had another baby born situation (the baby was 2 months old), and that was open for us to being shown as well.

We passed on the baby born. DH felt that was too "omg, we can't possibly be ready in a few hours to parent" and I was all "Dude, AMAZON PRIME, DUH!!!" Yeah, he wasn't comfortable, and I respected that, so we passed.

For the other two expecting moms, one woman was due in March and another in June. There were risks to both, mainly the long match time for the lady due in June, but we decided we were open to being shown to both. I honestly though the one in March would be the one. She was Catholic (as was I), and she asked the agency to ask us if either of us played music, because music was a big deal to her. I play 5 different musical instruments, so I was like, "SERENDIPITY!" Yeah...no. She picked another adoptive couple. LOL, goes to show what I know.

Which brings us to now. The expecting mother due in June. She liked our book and wanted to speak with us on the phone. We actually had a phone "date" for January 2nd. Honest to God, this was one of the most nerve wracking moments of my life. DH was cool as a cucumber and I was like, "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!!!!" like she could really see our house. We spoke on the phone for over an hour...and you hear these clichéd sayings like, "you'll know when it's right." I always rolled my eyes, but damn, they were right. I felt SO comfortable during the conversation. I had such a crazy sense of love and compassion for this woman, and I'd never even met her. We laughed, joked, talked, learned about each other...it went very well. We got off the phone and talked (DH and I), and I texted S, telling her it went well and I'd call her the next day.

S actually called us right back. She said that the expecting mom really loved us, and wanted to cancel her other phone calls with the other couples she considered. She wanted us! We were matched! OMG...I didn't sleep all night that night. We were FINALLY (maybe) going to have a baby!!

So, over the past three months, we've been keeping in touch with the EM via phone calls and texts. She's lovely. Like, truly truly lovely. Sweet and kind, and just all around a great person. I can't really describe our relationship, because although we've never met, I feel extremely close to her (and I hope she feels the same). We have a visit scheduled to go meet with her, and leave soon for that.

And that's how I came to meet all of you! After a few months, I felt more confident in joining a BMB to get an idea of what to expect, since I figured some of the women would be STM/TTM and so on. Plus, I figured, it was going to suck either way if EM changed her mind and decided to parent, so may as well meet some people and have a support system if it all falls apart. I'm hopeful it doesn't, but it's always in the back of my mind that it's entirely up to her and she might decide to parent. So...anxiety inducing, but we're trying to be hopeful!

That's our story, as of now! Any questions, I'm happy to answer!

krex-2 · March 2017

neludelu said:

Thank you for sharing! How did you get in contact with the birth mom and what was your reaction? Is this the first time you've been matched? What's your thought process as you go through this journey? I can only imagine that it is a horrible mix of the happiest and scariest emotions of your life.

This is our first official match, yes. And holy shit...all the feelings. Throughout this whole process I've been through every emotion possible: wanting a child, resigning myself to being childless, focusing on all the things we can do if we don't have kids, worry that the EM will change her mind, worry I'm not ready to be a mom, worry that I'll hate being a mom, worry that something will happen to the baby. Excitement to be a mom, to see baby girl grow, etc. It's like every possible emotion is all in there, just cycling. It's exhausting, and we'll probably be OAD unless EM gets pregnant again and contacts us. Otherwise, I can't imagine going through this rollercoaster a second time.

lmudra · March 2017

Thanks for sharing! I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make. That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number. And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
So happy for you and your husband!

krex-2 · March 2017

lmudra said:

Thanks for sharing! I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make. That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number. And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
So happy for you and your husband!

Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands! Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years). Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second." ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

mamaelle27 · March 2017

Thanks for sharing your story @krex . You and your hubby sound like great people and I hope you have a nice visit with the EM!

Stankonia2014 · March 2017

Thank you for sharing again.

I really hope it all goes smoothly from here on out! I feel like you've mentioned meeting EM face-to-face soon (prior to birth), did I make that up in my head?

krex-2 · March 2017

Stankonia2014 said:

Thank you for sharing again. I really hope it all goes smoothly from here on out! I feel like you've mentioned meeting EM face-to-face soon (prior to birth), did I make that up in my head?

Nope, you're right! We leave Sunday to visit her! I'm nearly finished with her quilt, all I have to do is finish the binding!

mkrel · March 2017

@krex I'm glad you made your own thread for updates! How are you feelng about meeting EM next week? I feel like I would take one look at her and see her belly and just start crying! That will be such an awesome experience. Keep us posted.

mirdamae03 · March 2017

Thank you for sharing, @krex! I love these personal stories, especially since my nephew was adopted and I saw how hard it is and how emotionally taxing to get to the finish line of an adoption. I hope your meeting goes well with her! I bet you're so excited!

krex-2 · March 2017

@MKRLTX, honestly, I'm scared crapless. What if she hates us?! What if she decides we'll be horrid parents for her child? So, definitely a lot of worries on that end. But, also excited, to meet her and get to know her better (and hopefully make it so she doesn't hate me). We're going to have lunch, then she and I are going to go get our nails done and hang out a bit without DH. She told me she wants me in the delivery room with her, so I wanted to get to know her before that so the first time we meet wasn't while she was shoving out something the size of a cantaloupe through something the size of a lemon. Because, you know...that wouldn't be awkward at all.

n0soup4u · March 2017

Wow I am so amazed by your journey. I am so excited to have you with us and I can't wait to keep learning about this process. I'm so happy for your family.

lmudra · March 2017

Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands! Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years). Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second." ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

I can't imagine getting a second country involved. And I'm not surprised by any disgusting comments I hear from in-laws. When we announced this pregnancy to my FIL he called his mom and she said "oh you've been saying you want grandkids!!!" Really?!? He has a two year old grandson. F.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2017

Awwww, you're giving me the feels @krex. Thank you for sharing your story!

You don't have to answer this question if you don't feel comfortable, but about how much was the cost of the adoption? We paid $25k for IVF (which doesn't include the cost of 3 prior IUIs) so I'm no stranger to paying a crapload of money to have a baby, but would like to know our options if it comes to it for baby #2! Reading your story has given me hope, since I know we aren't guaranteed another success with IVF

krex-2 · March 2017

@wifeinraleigh28, I don't mind answering, but the truth is, it is a HUGE range. A lot of factors come into play, like birth mother expenses (and whether you're in a state that has capped the expenses to a certain amount), whether or not the birth mother has insurance (if not, adoptive parents are on the hook for medical expenses), and agency/legal expenses. Legal expenses will vary from state to state, depending on how much the state requires an agency to look into potential birth fathers, and if you're adopting from a state other than your own, there are additional fees for ICPC. Agency fees also vary wildly...our two agencies had as much as a $20k disparity, depending on the situation.

All in, we'll be at more than the IVF cycle...considerably more. However, we're adopting from a state that does not cap birth mother expenses, legal fees are higher, and we'll be dealing with ICPC. Thankfully, there are federal tax credits that we'll apply for after finalization completes, and our state also has a tax credit we'll apply for. In addition, our company offers a $5k reimbursement for adoption expenses after finalization, so that's helpful. Through the tax credits and the work reimbursements, we'll end up getting back around 45% of the adoption expenses, which is a relief.

So, yeah...i don't mean to give a vague answer, but I've seen adoption expenses anywhere from $5k - $50k. The lower end is usually people who self match without an agency, and I'm not sure if that includes legal expenses. We contacted a law firm that does adoptions prior to picking our first agency, and we were given a range from $45-$55k, all in, for a healthy newborn. So...you have to look around and decide what you're comfortable with, but just know it can be less expensive with extra effort (finding your own match, doing your own advertising, etc.).

Hope that helps!

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2017

Thank you for explaining all of that @krex! Sounds like there are so many factors and you just need to make decisions based on what you feel comfortable with. I'm not sure what we would have done if our first IVF cycle didn't work (we have no insurance coverage for IVF and are completely OOP) but I do know that we wouldn't have been willing to pay another $25k to do another cycle (with no guarantees) so I completely get you and your husband's decision to not try again. Even though it does sound like it's considerably more money to go the adoption route, knowing that it's just a matter of being matched sounds comforting as long as you're patient

All of this sounds so difficult emotionally though. After dealing with infertility I have no idea how the stresses of adoption would affect us. So many unknowns!

berg · March 2017

@krex your story is amazing. It gives me all the feels. Thank you so much for sharing. I can't wait to hear how your visit goes. And you're going to be in the delivery room! That's just so great!

CapricaAndrea · March 2017

Aw, I love this thread. I haven't been very hormonal so far, but this is making me tear up a bit. My mom and a few of her relatives were all adopted (albeit with a very different process than what you're going through) and so was my BIL so it's always been something that's been a topic of conversation in my family and I love hearing stories about the process and how happy the new parents are.

kdanjou · March 2017

Thank you for sharing!

neludelu · March 2017

Thank you for sharing! Your story is beautiful! I'm absolutely drowning in my own tears here at my desk.

c1tym0m22 · March 2017

Thanks for being part of the awesome group of June moms - can't wait to hear how your visit with EM goes!

krex-2 · March 2017

Awww, thanks ladies!! Seriously, I'm happy to answer questions, if anyone has them. Adoption has always been a part of my life, so it sort of seems second nature in some ways.

@wifeinraleigh28, yeah...the unknowns are killing me at times, that's for sure. my anxiety gets the better of me a lot, but thankfully I have a great therapist who has adopted a child from China, so at least she understands some of what we're going through.

danij0 · March 2017

Thank you for sharing your story with us and joining our BMB! It's great to have different perspectives. I'm really excited for you and your husband.

meilay · March 2017

I don't know if this is too personal but do you know why EM is choosing adoption?

krex-2 · March 2017

meilay said:

I don't know if this is too personal but do you know why EM is choosing adoption?

We are aware of why she is making an adoption plan, but since it's not my story to tell, I don't want to speak on her behalf.

swanbrooner · March 2017

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're here!

I think you are uniquely prepared to be an (adoptive) parent, since you were also adopted. Your compassion and empathy for your birth mother is beautiful!

zseirecarg · March 2017

Thank you for sharing. I have loved having you as part of our BMB!

krex-2 · March 2017

@swanbrooner, thank you! Actually (and I forgot to mention this above), I asked the EM what made her pick us to speak with initially. She said that she saw in our profile book that I was adopted myself, and that was what stuck out at her. She felt like I would be able to help her child understand what adoption was about, from an adopted person's perspective. I hope I live up to everyone's expectations, though I'm sure I'll make a mess of it from time to time. LOL

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2017

@krex I love that your therapist has been helpful! I'm a therapist myself and I've considered pursuing infertility as a specialty/niche since I know so much about it after having gone through it myself. This would be down the road though, once I've put the TTC chapter behind me. Right now, I'm still too emotionally caught up in the midst of it to be much good to anyone I think!

Also, I know you have a lot of anxieties going into the meeting with EM and you're feeling the pressure to live up to expectations. Honestly, all you need to do is be yourself and she will love you (as she already does). I really can't wait for this for you and look forward to hearing updates!

ellie111227 · March 2017

@krex Thanks for sharing your story thus far! Can't wait to hear about your visit with EM!

mezalune · March 2017

Such a great story. A coworker of mine is currently going through a second adoption attempt from foster care which is an entirely different beast from a private but I would wager to bet no less stressful. I'm sending you ALL THE GOOD VIBES for a smooth and successful adoption. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Kylieslip24 · March 2017

I loved hearing your story @krex, thank you for sharing it. I love reading adoption stories because I really want to adopt someday, although probably not for 15 years or so since I want to go through foster care, so I want my bio kids to be older. I love hearing all different kinds of adoption stories though because they are all so amazing! krex said:

lmudra said:

Thanks for sharing! I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make. That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number. And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
So happy for you and your husband!

Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands! Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years). Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second." ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

This amazes me too. I seriously overheard someone tell one of my friends who went through infertility for years that she knew someone on Facebook that could get her a healthy blond baby no problem. Like giving away puppies or something. I think my jaw hit the floor!

JAGinMI · March 2017

Thanks so much for sharing! Adoption is a beautiful thing!

WorkingOnMyNightCheese · March 2017

Thank you so much for being open and sharing your story, it's really eye opening! Glad you're here!

Wino0920 · March 2017

Finally got to read and glad I did! Great story!! Hope it's all smooth sailing from here.

krex-2 · March 2017

Thanks everyone for your replies and support! We head out tomorrow, so hopefully have some good stories after our trip!

LAMCH1980 · March 2017

Thank you for sharing @krex. We enjoy having you with us.

Yailani23 · March 2017

Thank you for sharing @krex. I loved reading your experience. I truly hope your meeting goes amazingly and it only makes the bond between you and EM stronger. Can't wait to hear about the next couple steps in your journey. Truly admirable!

meilay · March 2017

Anyone else feel like this waiting to hear back?

Not to imply pressure/obligation at all. Just so nervous/excited for them!

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