June 2017 Moms

Our Adoption Story, otherwise titled "How I Showed Up On The June 2017 Moms Board"

@Neludelu asked for a story of how I showed up to "meet" all you ladies, so here you go!  Beware, it'll probably be long, because I'm a talker, so feel free to not read all of it or skim.


DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years (in May), and we'd always said we were on a "5-year plan" to have kids.  We didn't want to have children right away, and frankly, I was terrified at the "exit strategy" of birth, so I was totes cool with putting it off for awhile.  A few years after we got married, we moved overseas for an expat assignment, and it was an amazing opportunity to live in Europe and explore with little to no responsibilities (other than work and our cat).  When we moved home in 2013, we decided to give TTC a go, and I tossed the foil pack of fun into the trash.

Fast forward a year.  Nada.  I hadn't been temping or anything, but OPKs were popping up positive at the exact same time every month, and my period could be used to calibrate the world clock.  I decided to temp a bit to make sure I was ovulating, and from the 5-6 months I did it, I had clear temp shifts each month that corresponded with the OPKs.  So, we decided to see an RE.  I think DH was a bit hesitant to admit there might be an issue...I think he was concerned it was him, and covered it up with just saying "we need to try longer/harder."  So, went to RE, went through all the tests, everything came back fine.  Tried a few more months on our own after the HCG, in case we just needed to "clear the pipes" and nothing happened.  So, back to the RE we went, and started with medicated IUIs (Femara).  Each IUI (we did 3), I had good, solid follicles (2-3 each time) and everything went off without a hitch.  No pregnancy.  So...we decided to move on to IVF.  At this point, I think DH was finally able to admit that it wasn't just a matter of we weren't trying hard enough, or having sex enough. 

IVF went well.  I tolerated the meds well, and only gained a few pounds from it all.  The shots weren't a bit deal, and I didn't have any sort of mood swings.  Everything progressed textbook, and after 9 days of stimming, we did an ER.  They retrieved 11 eggs, 8 were mature, and 7 fertilized with ICSI.  I was on cloud-9 thinking this was FINALLY it!  We had planned on doing a freeze all cycle with PGS, so I had taken shots after our ER to basically shut down my ovaries and help prevent OHSS, plus our clinic had better results with this plan.  By Day 5, I was on pins and needles, wondering how many had gone to blast.  Got a call from the RE, and was told that none of them had made it to blast, but a few of them were nearly there, so they were going to give them another day.  At this point, even though there was "technically" hope that Day 6 would be better, I was pretty sure where this was going.  So, when I got the call the next day that, although a few had made it to blast, they were all abnormal and we weren't able to freeze or biopsy anything, I wasn't exactly surprised.  Unfortunately, this kicked off a month from hell, in which my cat got sick, my brother died suddenly, and my work also did a massive layoff that I (thankfully) wasn't affected by.  Needless to say...that month sucked, and we decided to take a break over the Christmas holiday and look at it again in the new year.

So...that got us to January 2016.  I wasn't really keen on doing IVF again.  To be honest, I'd never really been tied to the idea of being pregnant in the first place, though obviously once that decision was taken from me, I felt like I NEEDED to be pregnant.  I got over it, but every now and then it still hurts.  DH is the more logical/pragmatic of us and didn't want to throw away more money on a "chance" that it all might work out.  We considered embryo adoption, but kept coming back to me not necessarily wanting to be pregnant. 

Disclaimer:  I'm adopted.  It was a kinship adoption, and I was adopted by my maternal grandparents, but adoption is something that I've ALWAYS wanted for myself.  I just (foolishly) always assumed that I'd have a mix of bio kids and adoptive kids, and it'd be one big, happy family. 

So...one day in February 2016, DH just looked at me and was like, "I'm ready to be done trying...I want to explore adoption."  And just like that, I felt SUCH a sense of relief.  Finally, I was excited about this journey, and I knew this was really the right path for us (enter all that emotional mumbo-jumbo, FEELZ stuff here).  So, we kicked off the adoption process with a new sense of excitement.

We explored some of the different agencies in the Midwest and finally picked one.  The agency was lovely, they really cared about the birth moms and there was such a support system for everyone through that agency.  However, they're a smaller agency and they don't see that many placements a year, so the wait times are longer.  We decided to still go with them and started the process of the home study.  The paperwork was ridiculous, but we got everything finished in a few months.  That was April 2016.

Around September 2016, I started getting concerned with the lack of contact with the agency and how we weren't really getting shown very much.  The agency is still wonderful, and I'd recommend them to anyone, but I wanted to branch out and add a second agency to increase our chances.  DH agreed, and I started speaking with an agency that my colleague/friend recommended (she is good friends with the director of the agency).  I felt really good about them (as did DH), so we decided that, with the start of 2017, we'd sign with them as well and work with both agencies.


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Re: Our Adoption Story, otherwise titled "How I Showed Up On The June 2017 Moms Board"

  • Thank you for sharing! How did you get in contact with the birth mom and what was your reaction? Is this the first time you've been matched? What's your thought process as you go through this journey? I can only imagine that it is a horrible mix of the happiest and scariest emotions of your life.
    BusinessWife
  • Thanks for sharing! <3
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  • krex-2krex-2 member
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    neludelu said:
    Thank you for sharing! How did you get in contact with the birth mom and what was your reaction? Is this the first time you've been matched? What's your thought process as you go through this journey? I can only imagine that it is a horrible mix of the happiest and scariest emotions of your life.
    This is our first official match, yes.  And holy shit...all the feelings.  Throughout this whole process I've been through every emotion possible:  wanting a child, resigning myself to being childless, focusing on all the things we can do if we don't have kids, worry that the EM will change her mind, worry I'm not ready to be a mom, worry that I'll hate being a mom, worry that something will happen to the baby.  Excitement to be a mom, to see baby girl grow, etc.  It's like every possible emotion is all in there, just cycling.  It's exhausting, and we'll probably be OAD unless EM gets pregnant again and contacts us.  Otherwise, I can't imagine going through this rollercoaster a second time.

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    wabash15Kylieslip24BusinessWife
  • lmudralmudra member
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    Thanks for sharing!  I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make.  That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number.  And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
    So happy for you and your husband!
    krex-2Kylieslip24BusinessWife
  • krex-2krex-2 member
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    lmudra said:
    Thanks for sharing!  I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make.  That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number.  And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
    So happy for you and your husband!

    Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands!  Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years).  Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second."  ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

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    BusinessWife
  • Thanks for sharing your story @krex . You and your hubby sound like great people and I hope you have a nice visit with the EM! 
    BusinessWife
  • Thank you for sharing again. <3 I really hope it all goes smoothly from here on out! I feel like you've mentioned meeting EM face-to-face soon (prior to birth), did I make that up in my head?
    BusinessWife
  • MKRLTXMKRLTX member
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    @krex I'm glad you made your own thread for updates! How are you feelng about meeting EM next week? I feel like I would take one look at her and see her belly and just start crying! That will be such an awesome experience. Keep us posted. 

    roo1381BusinessWife
  • Thank you for sharing, @krex! I love these personal stories, especially since my nephew was adopted and I saw how hard it is and how emotionally taxing to get to the finish line of an adoption. I hope your meeting goes well with her! I bet you're so excited!
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    krex-2BusinessWife
  • itsfineitsfine member
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    Wow I am so amazed by your journey. I am so excited to have you with us and I can't wait to keep learning about this process. I'm so happy for your family.
    krex-2BusinessWife
  • lmudralmudra member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper


    Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands!  Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years).  Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second."  ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
    I can't imagine getting a second country involved.  And I'm not surprised by any disgusting comments I hear from in-laws.  When we announced this pregnancy to my FIL he called his mom and she said "oh you've been saying you want grandkids!!!"  Really?!?  He has a two year old grandson. F.
  • krex-2krex-2 member
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    @wifeinraleigh28, I don't mind answering, but the truth is, it is a HUGE range.  A lot of factors come into play, like birth mother expenses (and whether you're in a state that has capped the expenses to a certain amount), whether or not the birth mother has insurance (if not, adoptive parents are on the hook for medical expenses), and agency/legal expenses.  Legal expenses will vary from state to state, depending on how much the state requires an agency to look into potential birth fathers, and if you're adopting from a state other than your own, there are additional fees for ICPC.  Agency fees also vary wildly...our two agencies had as much as a $20k disparity, depending on the situation.

    All in, we'll be at more than the IVF cycle...considerably more.  However, we're adopting from a state that does not cap birth mother expenses, legal fees are higher, and we'll be dealing with ICPC.  Thankfully, there are federal tax credits that we'll apply for after finalization completes, and our state also has a tax credit we'll apply for.  In addition, our company offers a $5k reimbursement for adoption expenses after finalization, so that's helpful.  Through the tax credits and the work reimbursements, we'll end up getting back around 45% of the adoption expenses, which is a relief.

    So, yeah...i don't mean to give a vague answer, but I've seen adoption expenses anywhere from $5k - $50k.  The lower end is usually people who self match without an agency, and I'm not sure if that includes legal expenses.  We contacted a law firm that does adoptions prior to picking our first agency, and we were given a range from $45-$55k, all in, for a healthy newborn.  So...you have to look around and decide what you're comfortable with, but just know it can be less expensive with extra effort (finding your own match, doing your own advertising, etc.). 


    Hope that helps!

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    wifeinraleigh28BusinessWife
  • Thank you for explaining all of that @krex! Sounds like there are so many factors and you just need to make decisions based on what you feel comfortable with. I'm not sure what we would have done if our first IVF cycle didn't work (we have no insurance coverage for IVF and are completely OOP) but I do know that we wouldn't have been willing to pay another $25k to do another cycle (with no guarantees) so I completely get you and your husband's decision to not try again. Even though it does sound like it's considerably more money to go the adoption route, knowing that it's just a matter of being matched sounds comforting as long as you're patient :) All of this sounds so difficult emotionally though. After dealing with infertility I have no idea how the stresses of adoption would affect us. So many unknowns!
    Me: 31, DH: 35, Diagnosis: MFI, TTC #1
    IUI #1-3: Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016 = BFNs
    IVF: July 2016 (20R, 12M, 10F, 8B) = 7 PGS Normal
    FET #1: Sep 2016 (single transfer) = BFP!!
    Beta #1 (10dp5dt) = 179, Beta #2 (12dp5dt) = 480
    Baby Girl! EDD: June 3, 2017

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    krex-2BusinessWife
  • bergberg member
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    @krex your story is amazing.  It gives me all the feels.  Thank you so much for sharing.  I can't wait to hear how your visit goes.  And you're going to be in the delivery room!  That's just so great!  
    krex-2BusinessWife
  • Aw, I love this thread. I haven't been very hormonal so far, but this is making me tear up a bit. My mom and a few of her relatives were all adopted (albeit with a very different process than what you're going through) and so was my BIL so it's always been something that's been a topic of conversation in my family and I love hearing stories about the process and how happy the new parents are. 
    krex-2BusinessWife
  • kdanjoukdanjou member
    Long-Lasting Membership 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Thank you for sharing! 
    MC Sept 2010
    BFP Oct 2011 - DD born July 2012
    TTC again since July 2014
    First IUI 9/26/16:  BFP!
    EDD 6/19/2017
    It's a girl!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    krex-2
  • Thank you for sharing! Your story is beautiful! I'm absolutely drowning in my own tears here at my desk.
    krex-2
  • Thanks for being part of the awesome group of June moms - can't wait to hear how your visit with EM goes!
    Me 37, DH 40
    BFP #1 6/13 DD 3/14
    Mirena 10/14-5/16
    BFP #2 9/2/16, CP confirmed 9/8/16
    BFP #3 10/10/16 EDD 6/22/17
    krex-2
  • krex-2krex-2 member
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    Awww, thanks ladies!!   Seriously, I'm happy to answer questions, if anyone has them.  Adoption has always been a part of my life, so it sort of seems second nature in some ways.


    @wifeinraleigh28, yeah...the unknowns are killing me at times, that's for sure.  my anxiety gets the better of me a lot, but thankfully I have a great therapist who has adopted a child from China, so at least she understands some of what we're going through.

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    wifeinraleigh28kyreno11BusinessWife
  • danij0danij0 member
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    Thank you for sharing your story with us and joining our BMB! It's great to have different perspectives. I'm really excited for you and your husband. :)
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    neludelu
  • meilaymeilay member
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    I don't know if this is too personal but do you know why EM is choosing adoption? 
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  • Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're here! 

    I think you are uniquely prepared to be an (adoptive) parent, since you were also adopted. Your compassion and empathy for your birth mother is beautiful!

    Me: 30 DH: 34
    Married July 2014
    TTC #1 Since June 2016
    BFP 9/26 EDD: 6/7
    Stankonia2014krex-2BusinessWife
  • Thank you for sharing. I have loved having you as part of our BMB!  <3
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    krex-2kyreno11
  • @krex Thanks for sharing your story thus far! Can't wait to hear about your visit with EM!
  • Such a great story.  A coworker of mine is currently going through a second adoption attempt from foster care which is an entirely different beast from a private but I would wager to bet no less stressful.  I'm sending you ALL THE GOOD VIBES for a smooth and successful adoption. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
    BusinessWife
  • I loved hearing your story @krex, thank you for sharing it. I love reading adoption stories because I really want to adopt someday, although probably not for 15 years or so since I want to go through foster care, so I want my bio kids to be older. I love hearing all different kinds of adoption stories though because they are all so amazing! krex said:
    lmudra said:
    Thanks for sharing!  I just love it when people find out you've adopted or are going to adopt and say "oh I want to adopt one day" like it's just some flippant choice to make.  That's why I love sharing adoption stories bc it's so difficult and complex and the emotions are overwhelming in number.  And also it's a lot of work- FBI background checks, people prying into your personal life and marriage to determine if you're fit enough to be a parent, waiting, etc...it's all SO worth it and nothing compared to what our kids birth parents do when they sign their days old babies over to us but it's still not easy!
    So happy for you and your husband!

    Yeah, we even needed background checks from the Netherlands!  Let me tell you, THAT is a process (my Dutch as seriously deteriorated over the past 4 years).  Yeah, it amazes me how people still don't know much about adoption...my MIL literally asked if we could just "buy a second."  ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
    This amazes me too. I seriously overheard someone tell one of my friends who went through infertility for years that she knew someone on Facebook that could get her a healthy blond baby no problem. Like giving away puppies or something. I think my jaw hit the floor! 
  • JAGinMIJAGinMI member
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    Thanks so much for sharing! Adoption is a beautiful thing!


    Me: 36;  DH: 38
    DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17!
    **TW**
    MMC & D&C Aug 2016
  • Thank you so much for being open and sharing your story, it's really eye opening! Glad you're here!
    ------------
    TTC#1 began May 2015
    12/18/15 - BFP --- 1/7/16 - MC/D&C
    4/10/16 - BFP --- 4/23/16 - NMC/CP
    5/25/16 - BFP --- 7/2/16 - NMC
    2.5mg Femara, Prometrium --- 9/16 --- 10/6/16 - BFP! - EDD 6/21/17
    PCOS, Mild Hypothyroidism, RPL

     


  • Finally got to read and glad I did! Great story!! Hope it's all smooth sailing from here. 
  • Thank you for sharing @krex. We enjoy having you with us. 
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    BFP #1 9/1999. DD Born 6/7/2000
    BFP #2 10/2011. EDD 7/11/12. MMC discovered 11/2/11. D&C 11/4/11.
    DX PCOS 10/2012.
    BFP#3 1/11/13. DS Born 9/17/2013
    BFP#4 9/30/17. Grow baby grow! 
    ~Everyone Welcome~
  • Thank you for sharing @krex. I loved reading your experience. I truly hope your meeting goes amazingly and it only makes the bond between you and EM stronger. Can't wait to hear about the next couple steps in your journey. Truly admirable!  <3

    DH: 35 | Me: 29
    BFP #1- 07.25.12, EDD: 03.24.13, DD born 03.26.13
    Surprised BFP #2- 02.25.15, EDD: 10/29/15 |*m/c 7w4d, D&C 04.02.2015 
    BFP #3- 01.21.16, EDD: 09.29.26 |*m/c-blighted ovum 2.19.16 8w1d, D&C 03.04.16 
    BFP #4- 05.24.16, EDD: 02.04.17 |*natural m/c-  07.08.16, 9w1d
    BFP #5- 09/25/16, EDD: 06.07.17 GROW
    , BABY, GROW! 

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