December 2016 Moms
yellingbanana
member
PPD?
yellingbanana
member
Hey ladies, I know there are a few of us struggling to keep the positive thoughts rolling these days. I'm starting to recognize that I am, mostly because my DH noticed that I'm not my usual, spunky self. I can't remember if there was a thread or not, but nothing wrong with starting a new one, right? I thought I'd get a thread going to open up some more discussion, because while my DH is awesome, it's hard to explain to him what is going on in my head and heart.
What are you struggling with? Thoughts, feelings, everything is welcome.
What is helping you cope?
What are you struggling with? Thoughts, feelings, everything is welcome.
What is helping you cope?
Re: PPD?
My current struggle: I keep reminding myself that this phase is temporary. He will sleep better. He will cry less. He will be able to eat less often. But it's hard because I normally try to actively enjoy my current moment. I feel like I'm wishing time away that I should be savoring. One day I'll look back and marvel at how fast he changed. But I might go crazy if I don't remind myself that it will end. It's a weird torn feeling
So far I find that getting back into the work/daycare/errands routine has helped the most. BUT I am still barely holding it together. If I had any chance to just sleep 18 hrs a day I would.
I get discouraged at the drop of a hat, can't seem to make myself get excited about work or Em doing things, I can't seem to sleep unless it can be for 12+ hr block, I have no appetite . . . I'm just a serious train wreck. I can kind of fake it at work, and so far H hasn't said anything - even when asked, but man is it tough.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
I'm struggling with PPD and PTSD so I'm not sure which feelings are associated with which disorder, but it all sucks. Day time I will feel just "ok" or sometimes I'll feel pretty good considering (I'll even laugh and joke around), but I dread the night time. My therapist said it's hormonal, everything being worse at night because the cortisol levels are higher.
I'm a grown-ass lady and I'm afraid of the dark now---afraid something will grab me and kill me. The nightmares are the worst because they are homicidal in nature or flashbacks of the birth. I dream so vividly that sometimes I wake up and I'm not sure if I was really dreaming or not, which is really frightening for me because a lot of my dreams involve Ashton. My therapist said to "rewrite" my nightmare endings to something positive as an exercise, and that helps.
I also struggle with leaving the house, which I didn't notice until DH said something. I used to go out everyday because I get antsy. Now? If DH wasn't here to be like, "Let's go to lunch" or "Let's get groceries," I would never leave. DH went to therapy with me on Saturday and that was helpful because he motivates me to get going. Another assignment I have is to spend time in public by myself. If I can drive, that's ideal since it scares me, but even if DH drops me off at a Starbucks or somewherd for a little bit that's fine too. The goal is to get me out without forcing me to interact with anyone if I don't want to. I haven't reached out to hang with friends at all. DH has and I will go...but I'm checked out.
I force myself to eat to keep up my milk supply but I really don't have an appetite.
I could go on all day about what I'm experiencing, honestly. It's so unlike me. I've been focusing a lot on my writing and blog and that has helped a lot. Exercise and adjusting my diet seems to be making a difference too. I'm on Buspirone and Xanax right now and have been since my first wellness checkup. Glad I am on it because I can't say where I would be otherwise.
Anyway...all of that to say that I know what you ladies are going through and I wish PPD or other postpartum disorders didn't exist.
ETA that it sucks even more knowing logically something is wrong with you but emotionally you feel helpless.
My depression manifests as severe low self esteem, social anxiety, and lots o crying, all of which I'm dealing with now. DS is a relatively easy baby so far so I don't feel completely overwhelmed caring for him, but I still feel unsure of myself as a mother and have a hard time not freaking out about the future.
As someone who resisted medication for a long time and then responded really well to it, I feel like it's worth trying rather than white knuckling through this difficult time, but I also understand hesitation around it.
Hugs to everyone.
Ladies... it's okay to need a little help to get through this transitional period. I was on anxiety meds after my first due to some similar things that @dmontgo expressed. It does not make you weak to admit you need help, quite the opposite. There is nothing wrong with you- your body, hormones and life completely got turned on its ear. I happen to think I am one bad biatch and needed help getting through. I didn't regret it then, and I'm happy to share my story with anyone... because You aren't doing yourself any favors by struggling through life. Again, hugs to everyone.
My incision got infected and has limited me to what I can do and extended the time I can't go places on my own with her. Even when I do go somewhere with her and DH or my mom I get extreme anxiety that something will go wrong while we're out.
BFP#1 & MC:August 2015 BFP: #2 10/01/2015 MC: 10/09/2015 BFP #3: 12/22/2015 @ 5 weeks MC/CP: 12-23-2015
Fertility Appointment: Feb 23/16, Hysteroscopy 03/02/2016,
BFP #4: 03/31/16 EDD 12/01/2016
I also don't really feel like myself with how my body still looks. I'm 8 weeks PP and still only lost the initial 20lbs. and haven't lost anything else, even with not remembering to eat or having the time some days (I do eat lunch and dinner, just barely any snacks or breakfast). I go back to work in 2 weeks and will still be wearing maternity clothes. I did start working out again last week, but am stressing about losing the extra 30 to get back to my PP weight... and I have my sisters wedding at the end of March. I couldn't even lose 5lbs. in a year, so the 30 is going to be a struggle.
I have anxiety about going back to work and him going to daycare. He hasn't been easy and I just worry how he'll be every day. Will be be the bad baby? Will I get calls that I need to get him due to his behavior? And for myself, will I adjust to not being home with him all day? And be able to get back into a routine of getting ready in the morning, while also getting him ready (feeding, getting dressed, etc). All while DH and I split the overnight shifts so now either of us will get much rest. Ugh. I have this week and next left of being at home. Just thinking about it is freaking me out.
TTC Since: November 2015
BFP: March 31, 2016
DS: November 21, 2016
Depending on your daycare they are used to unhappy babies. My DC has this one baby that cries no matter what- unless he is on his moms chest. They know how LOs are and have a chance to take a break or hand LO off if they need to.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
I think a big part of it has been the pretty strict diet I'm on because of DD's protein allergy (I now can't eat dairy, egg, or soy products) and the fact that BF was still hurting pretty bad (now using a nipple shield and its getting better). Hopefully now that BF is getting better, my mood will improve. I'm trying to be honest with myself about how I'm feeling but I haven't shared with DH yet. I don't know how understanding he would be if I did.
DD- 11/2016
I also get discouraged really easily. I've got massive guilt from anything, everything, and nothing. I feel really guilty that it took me so long to finish college, then I'm not even using my degree because we don't want to put our kids in daycare. I also feel guilty that I'm not working right now, and that I have to find a new family to nanny for- which could take months. Even then, I make such a small fraction of what my DH makes that I wonder why I'm working at all.
I also feel bad that I don't want to be social. Usually, I love to hang out with people, but I also don't want to leave the house. I've been forcing myself to go run errands. I also feel super sad about things that I can normally deal with.
Slowly, I've been recognizing what seems to be a downward spiral of emotions. I'm trying not to, but what I end up doing is looking like a normal person, while on the inside I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone.
Right now I've recognized that I feel more centered after I shower, and I feel better when I go out of the house. Though I still don't feel like myself. I also feel better when I get some cleaning done, but realistically, I spend such a large chunk of the day feeding the baby that I fee like I'm not getting enough done.
I also need a plan, when I have a schedule and set reasonable expectations for myself, I do much better than when I just putter around the house doing chores. But my plans have repeatedly fallen through the last couple of years.
I remember feeling like this after I had DD1, but I thought it was because I was far away from family and I was adjusting to life as a new mom. I also had PTSD from my scary first labor experience, it haunted me for well over a year. So I thought my down feelings were due to that. But right now, I can tell I am not doing well, and that I need to fix it. I don't really want to take meds because I'm scared I'll get dependent, and that I'll lose what little sex drive I have left. I'm planning on taking a little time for myself each day and see if I can bring myself up a bit.
I have a history of depression and had pretty bad PPD with DS. I felt a lot of anger and frustration and had a sense that I had ruined my life by having a baby. I loved my son, but I didn't love caring for him and felt tons of guilt about that. I felt like nothing I did was good enough and I wanted everything to be perfect. I had to do the perfect baby album, the perfect amount of tummy time, be perfect at breastfeeding, etc. That gave me tons of anxiety. I couldn't sleep when DS was sleeping. I worried at night. I tried to get through it without help for too long. I ended up taking antidepressants which helped a lot.
With this LO my doc and I decided that it was best for both of us for me to stay on a low dose of meds during my pregnancy. After she was born I felt pretty terrible for a couple weeks. The guilt came back and I was crying constantly. I again started to feel like my life would never be the same. Doc ended up increasing my dosage which has helped a lot.
Some things that have helped me aside from meds are being open about my feelings with H and my mom (and friends from TB), trying to get out every day and go somewhere (even just for a drive), and figuring out ways to get some sleep (letting H give LO bottles).
Me: 33 H: 36
Married: 12/14/13 DS: 1/29/09
BFP2: 10/9/15 MMC: 11/12/15
BFP3: 4/6/16 DD: 12/12/16
And yeah, I need to tell myself tat even when I've done everything to calm him down... he may just be crying to cry. I adore him and couldn't imagine him not being a part of our family... and eventually things will get better. One day at a time.
TTC Since: November 2015
BFP: March 31, 2016
DS: November 21, 2016
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/2195308
Xo
I just feel so empty and emotionless. I can't control DS1 - probably has to do with the possibility of ADHD/ADD. I dont have any kind of an appetite and I get maybe two hrs of sleep each night, and it's not even because of the baby... and my head just feels... Weird. I'm not sure how to explain it. With DS1 I never felt like a mom until he was almost two, and I can't tell if the same thing is happening with DS2... I just don't have any emotions toward anything.
Meds haven't seems to kick in yet, however I've cut back on smoking big time - more than I did while pregnant.
FIs working schedule has me feeling like a single mom of two boys, and knowing I'm a stay at home mom now, I don't see things getting any better than this.
(Edit to add)
I'm going to have a beer. Or at least a couple of sips of wine.
Also, I feel a lot of you ladies on the 'this isn't like me'. And going through the motions of life while feeling disconnected.
@Mamax2 I can't even imagine losing 2 family members this soon after giving birth. I would definitely talk to your doctor. It's ok to get help.
And hugs to everyone. As terrible as it is that you are all going through these struggles, it is nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for being here ladies.
HOWEVER. He is now 3 months old and I am coming out of "the woods." It DOES get better. The clouds started to lift and I feel more like myself again every day.
So, have a little patience with yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Identify your struggle and don't you dare ignore it then. Everything we feel is legitimate and worthy of attention. Take care, loves.
I'm going through many of the same struggles that have been written above. Need to get LO to sleep, will add more later.
with DD1 I had terrible PPA. The intrusive thoughts are what caught me most off guard... I would lay awake at night petrified of a home invasion to the point that I'd need to check the windows and doors and all of the rooms. I would have vivid visions of what could possibly happen to my baby if someone broke in to harm us. I couldn't let my husband even change her diaper without hovering behind him because I was sure he'd let her roll off. I envisioned my arms failing and her falling down the stairs. My biggest fear was that she would fall from a cliff. We are not avid hikers so this was incredibly unrealistic but for whatever reason I would panic for hours at the thought of it. It took me about a year to work through it all and it was hard. I still have residual fears from it, but thankfully I feel less wound up with fear this time around.
Anyway, I say all of that to say that honestly is your friend. The thoughts I had were so terribly morbid that I thought I was crazy and a horrible mom. It wasn't until I shared some of these intrusive thoughts with some friends in my other BMB that I realized I wasn't alone at all. That these thoughts weren't uncommon and there was such relief in that.
Know that you're not alone in this. Seek the help of professionals for sure, but know that there can be so much healing and peace in just being open about what's going on and realizing that you're not alone and you're not crazy
I hadn't thought about that in a while til I woke up this morning feeling more accepting of this new family situation. I realized I've been going through the stages of grief (not exactly linearly and not all of them - which is common) since DD arrived. It's a huge change. And it lacks the excitement/sense of a new adventure that having my first had. And I'm tired. I've learned not to reflect on how I feel at the end of the day because my exhaustion casts everything in a light that isn't helpful. No reflecting in the evening. Just sleep.
Also, I know this is played out and I'm supposed to be grateful the miracles my body has performed but I detest my postpartum figure. Can't help it. I do. And I want to run again. Like I used to. Alas me and my mom body will walk the dog tomorrow and try to find some satisfaction in that.
...just... sigh. Motherhood is an incredibly selfless piece of an identity. And sometimes that makes me want to pout and cry.
my situation is similar but reversed. I believe my H is having some sort of male PPD. He has developed an extremely short fuse where any little thing from baby can set him off to the point he doesn't trust himself bc he might get mad and get rough. I therefore don't trust him and it causes a lot of issues. H has said some awful things and says he feels no connection to the baby and thinks there is no way to ever fix him bc he is an angry person and he'll never be able to cope or change. WHen he does want baby time I let him but god I'm so nervous when he's holding him, silently praying the baby won't cry or fuss and set off H. I know he's depressed but he just thinks he is angry. We are seeing a marriage counselor Friday but I think he needs true help himself and he doesn't want it. I'm at the point of strongly considering leaving because it is an awful situation at home and I find myself crying and upset throughout the day let alone barely sleeping. I cry when I see friends on fb having their 2nd/3rd/4th baby bc I think gee at least they have a stable husband who loves them and their kid to want to have more. (I'm totally fine with only having 1that was the plan anyway but it's that feeling that there's no way we could ever do this again) Leaving adds it's own stress and complications but I would feel better that the baby isn't in this environment even though I don't really have anywhere to go
DH has to leave for the weekend though...feeling anxiety about that.
This might sound silly, but I've been meaning to spend fun time with my older DDs. I've been so low energy and grumpy that I've been putting it off. Last night we finally made the chapstick that we've been meaning to for a month. It was fun, it made me feel so much better and useful. I also had a few sips of wine and I felt so adult-like, human. I'm thinking I need to push myself to do more regular things and that will help.
Also, an overlooked symptom is constant irritability. Depression doesn't always "look" like sadness. Just throwing that out there.
Thinking of you all.
My blue days really come and go. One day I'm totally confident, strong and independent and the next I am sobbing as I'm nursing Maximus because I can't shake how sad I am feeling. I finally got out yesterday for a 45 minute walk/jog while my MIL watched Maximus and it felt glorious. It has been a huge healing aide to come here and read others situations and advices.
The weight is definitely something that came back and bit me in the butt. A few weeks ago I was all like "I don't even care about the weight!" and then after a couple weeks the honeymoon phase settles and I haven't lost a single pound since coming home from the hospital. I'm trying to not be discouraged, but it's definitely difficult to always stay positive when your body image is shaken. If it's any consolation to anyone else struggling with this - remember that the reason you gain the extra weight while pregnant is so that you are able to sustain a life -- which is exactly what our bodies are doing right now
I heard from a few close friends that the first 2 weeks are SO HARD. Well, when I got through those first 2 weeks without too much blues I was excited to maybe have cleared the trees. However, these postpartum hormones are real & serious & are different for everyone.
I just wanted to share and to thank everyone for sharing and being so supportive to each other. It helps people you didn't know were reading.
Hugs!
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
I really want to go for a nice long walk, but my driveway is so steep and I'm not 100% yet. I'm thinking about taking the kids to a park tomorrow so I can walk while they play. Maybe find a mom friend?
-Read one chapter from a book
-Snuggle with Ashton
-Get 30 minutes of exercise (this can be walking, etc)
-Write for 5 minutes
-If time, pick up one area of the house
Most days I get the majority of my list done, and that makes me feel really good.
I think the rest of my depression symptoms are circumstantial - isolated in small, currently snowed-in town, family far away, unable to drive yet or even take a walk outdoors because of blizzard conditions for past couple weeks, unable to lift DD in car seat anyway and down outdoor stairs because of csection healing, husband gone 12 hours plus per day for work 2 hours away, ugh - but the doc put me back on antidepressants hours after I delivered.
I still have flashbacks of the birth, complete with hours of crying when they come on. Lots of nightmares about DD dying or in danger. Also feeling lots of guilt about feeling this way when I don't want my newborn to see me like this. I imagined myself being a different mom. But it's like I'm depressed mom - sleeping a lot of the day away, procrastinating things I usually enjoy, feeling extreme fear and anxiety about the future - and I feel a lot of shame about this.
I asked OB to put me on higher dose - I'm on the lowest- and it doesn't seem to be doing much. But she said to wait until she sees me at 6weeks because this could just be baby blues. That was at my 2 week appointment. Things seem to be getting worse - I feel more hopeless, less excited, and more angry about the birth and how I was treated. So at my next appointment I guess I'll have to beg.
I really feel better that this seems common, though. I really think birth and post partum was not meant to happen in isolation.
I don't know if it would help you, but writing out my story has been very cathartic for me as well. I have a blog I have been sharing my struggles on and it's crazy to me how many will send me private messages saying similar things happened to them but they were too afraid or ashamed to share their experiences.
PPD & PTSD are truly terrifying and it is sad to me that there isn't a lot of open conversation about it. A lot of shame is there when there shouldn't be. I'm sending you healing vibes!
LO turns a month today, and I feel like with each passing day I get more exhausted and feel worse and worse emotionally and physically. I really feel like DH thinks I'm terrible at parenting which makes me feel pretty worthless.
I have a history of depression, but have been off of medication for about 6 years. I really don't want to go back on meds, but I'm afraid I might have to