@PensiveCrayon first of all - hugs, lots and lots of creepy internet hugs. Second, from everything you have done throughout your pregnancy and planning your birth, you have obviously done your research and prepared in all ways possible. Your home birth sounds wonderful, and you should be very proud of it. My DD1 was born at the hospital (unplanned c-section), she had also inhaled meconium, she didn't cry for at least 5-10 minutes, but ended up recovering over the following days. Please know that the fastest recovery is what we are all hoping and praying for, and that it is entirely possible. I know I'm not there, and don't know everything, but I know you have done your absolute best, and that you are already an amazing, brave, strong mommy.
*lurking* I am SO sorry you're going through all of this! You did everything to make your labor and delivery positive for your little guy and I don't think there is any reason whatsoever to scoff at that--you're a great mom! I hope Ambrose starts to get better and your family is able to be all together at home soon. So many hugs to you and your husband as you're going through this stressful time.
Wishing you and your family peace and strength during this difficult time. Never let anyone make you feel bad about your birth choices - you did what you believed was best for your child. Ambrose is getting the best care possible, I hope you are able to take him home soon!
So many T&Ps coming to you @PensiveCrayon. You are one strong mama and little Ambrose is so so lucky to have you! I struggled with a delivery that didn't go as planned as well and I know how difficult that can be and the guilt that is sometimes associated with it. Hang in there and know you have a support system here!
Me: 32 & DH: 37
Married: November 2014
TTC #1 Since: October 2015
BFP #1: 11/18/15 - CP BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16 IT'S A BOY!!!! DS Born 10/16/16
Prayed for you each time I was up last night. May he make great strides today, may you have grace and be given the strength you need to do what this day holds.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your little man! I know it's been said already, but you are an incredibly strong and wonderful mother. Please don't doubt your birth choice for a minute.
Pensive, I am in awe of your strength right now. I hope you and jarrod can really lean on each other while you continue to do everything you can for your precious baby!
eta: I just put my engagement ring on my opposite hand so that whenever I notice it out of place I'll say a prayer for you. I can't imagine how much your heart is hurting and hoping for your lo
TTGP history (*TW*):
Started TTC Oct 2015 BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016 Re-started TTC Aug 2016 Started IF testing Nov 2016 Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017 BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
I'm just now getting a chance to catch up on this - First of all, congratulations, hun. He is beautiful! And how amazing that you were able to have your unmedicated home birth, particularly with such a big, sweet boy I'm so sorry that he's had these complications, though, and I will be praying for a swift recovery and positive resolution soon. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be separated from your child under those circumstances, and you are so strong going through all of this. Your attitude speaks so positively of your ability to cope, and Ambrose is fortunate to have such a strong and loving mother.
And let me reiterate the other comments regarding any guilt you may feel - please don't feel bad about any of this. It was entirely out of your control, regardless of the home birth. He would have the same complications in a hospital setting, and it is due to your planning and your midwife's quick thinking that the complications aren't worse.
I am so impressed at your calm and composure during such a difficult situation. Please keep us updated and know that your family is being prayed for by me and by so many of your other friends here.
You're amazing and strong and so is your beautiful little guy. I'm so inspired by you. Hang in there - I'm thinking of you and Ambrose. Just know that you're about to get all the time in the world to make up for those first missed moments. I got to enjoy all those golden hour bonding opportunities with DS. I missed them with DD as she had to take a little time in the NICU too and, for me at least, at this point it couldn't matter less. Both are my babies and both hold my heart equally. I am hoping as I am typing this you are getting to snuggle your amazing little guy!
@PensiveCrayon Thinking of you... anxious to hear some - hopefully GOOD NEWS! - soon... we are wishing, and hoping, and praying with you and your family tonight... ❤
@PensiveCrayon - T&P for you, Ambrose and Jarrod. Ambrose is such a cutie. I'm sorry you didn't get the perfect ending to the birth you wanted but I actually think your story is an important one. It shows how a well trained midwife can keep everyone safe at home even when emergencies arise. Dont feel guilty!! You did everything right for your baby and the outcome would have been the same if you had a hospital birth.
Me: 30 | DH: 32 Together since 2008 | Married 2012 TTC #1 October 2014 BFP #1 October 2014 | CP #1 October 2014 BFP #2 November 2014 | CP #2 December 2014 BFP #3 June 2015 | MMC at 16 weeks September 2015 BFP #4 January 2016 | EDD September 12, 2016 | Baby Ducks born September 5, 2016
Thanks again for all the encouraging words. It's been a hectic couple of days, and I can't remember where I've updated, so apologies if this is duplicate. Ambrose's condition is slowly improving, but he is still very, very sick. We've managed to avoid ECMO, which is big news, as it would have required some major surgery to get going.
Still, things aren't looking good for him. He suffered some oxygen deprivation on his way to the hospital, and it looks like that's probably going to be a long term thing we're dealing with. They did a 24-hour EEG yesterday, and the neurologist says he isn't displaying normal brain activity. We're going to try and do an MRI in a few days to assess the damage further, but right now I'm operating under the assumption that our life with Ambrose is going to be radically different than the life we'd imagined for ourselves.
All of this is very, very hard. I'm trying to hold onto a thread of hope, but it's slipping. I know we'll get through this day by day, but looking into the future is overwhelming.
As for me, it's been difficult to take care of myself. I've been pumping to try and get my milk to come in, and apparently the amount of colostrum I've been able to hand express is very impressive. But I know I'm not eating or drinking near enough, and all the pumping feels very futile and lonely right now. I'm spending today lying in bed at the hotel, because I know I've been overdoing it, and I also feel a cold coming on. It really sucks to not be over there, but at the same time, I hate going over. I hate scrubbing up, and I hate seeing my little guy under sedation, with all the tubes and wires coming out of him.
Anyway, I'm not sure how much time I'll be spending on here during all this, but if any of you want to continue to follow our story, you can visit my blog at emilyIRL.com, where I'll be posting updates.
Me: 31 | DH: 31
Together since 2003 | Married 2010 TTC #1 January 2016 BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016 Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018 BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
I have been thinking about you and Ambrose constantly. I am deeply sorry that your family is experiencing this. I am so sorry. It is an otherwordly pain seeing those wires and tubes. It is 1000% ok if you can't be in the NICU 24/7, or even if there are times you don't want to go. It is hard to go through everyday, and for sanity's sake sometimes rest is essential. Take it a day at a time and don't forget your health matters too.
I cannot speak to the future, but I trust no matter what happens you and your DH will handle it with strength, love, and compassion. Sometimes for reasons that do not make sense, unexpected and unfair things happen to the best people, and this is not in any way your fault. I will continue to send healing thoughts your way.
Emily prayers for you Jarrod and Ambrose. I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. Please try to take care of yourself, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
This is such a hard update to read because I think collectively our hearts are aching for you and sweet Ambrose during this time. Thank you for coming in to update .. my H and I have been praying for Ambrose, you, your H and the team of Drs and nurses surrounding you all right now. Sending you so much love and strength ❤
@PensiveCrayon - I'm so sorry that Ambrose is struggling. I can't imagine how you're feeling but it must be very scary. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for coming to update us. Hugs.
Emily, I'm so sorry that Ambrose is going through this. I can't imagine how hard this is for you and your husband. Please know that we're all here to talk if you need it.
Re: UPDATED AGAIN: PensiveCrayon's Birth Story/Update on BabyCrayon
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
I am so sorry for what you are going through! Baby Ambrose is absolutely beautiful and I pray will be coming home soon. Your family is in my prayers.
I am SO sorry you're going through all of this! You did everything to make your labor and delivery positive for your little guy and I don't think there is any reason whatsoever to scoff at that--you're a great mom! I hope Ambrose starts to get better and your family is able to be all together at home soon. So many hugs to you and your husband as you're going through this stressful time.
Wishing you and your family peace and strength during this difficult time. Never let anyone make you feel bad about your birth choices - you did what you believed was best for your child. Ambrose is getting the best care possible, I hope you are able to take him home soon!
Me: 32 & DH: 37
BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16
IT'S A BOY!!!!
DS Born 10/16/16
Due December 27th with baby #7
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
eta: I just put my engagement ring on my opposite hand so that whenever I notice it out of place I'll say a prayer for you. I can't imagine how much your heart is hurting and hoping for your lo
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
And let me reiterate the other comments regarding any guilt you may feel - please don't feel bad about any of this. It was entirely out of your control, regardless of the home birth. He would have the same complications in a hospital setting, and it is due to your planning and your midwife's quick thinking that the complications aren't worse.
I am so impressed at your calm and composure during such a difficult situation. Please keep us updated and know that your family is being prayed for by me and by so many of your other friends here.
Baby #1
Baby #2
~04/19/16 EDD 12/26/16~
SaveSaveSaveSave
Sending you and Ambrose all my positive thoughts. You are so strong and you will all get through this. Hang in there, Mama.
BFP #1 8/4/2015, MMC 9/24/2015
BFP #3 8/24/2017, MC 9/20/2017
BFP #4 11/14/2017, CP
BFP #5 1/5/2018, MC/BO 2/17/2018
BFP #6 7/15/2018, CP
BFP #7 12/15/2018, EDD 8/28/2019
we are thinking of you and praying for Ambrose
DX Diminished Ovarian Reserve, Factor V Leiden Mutation, Secondary Infertility
MFI (SA #1Count 11mill, Motility: 18%, Morphology: 1%)
AMH .328 | FSH 13.2
@PensiveCrayon - T&P for you, Ambrose and Jarrod. Ambrose is such a cutie. I'm sorry you didn't get the perfect ending to the birth you wanted but I actually think your story is an important one. It shows how a well trained midwife can keep everyone safe at home even when emergencies arise. Dont feel guilty!! You did everything right for your baby and the outcome would have been the same if you had a hospital birth.
Me: 30 | DH: 32
Together since 2008 | Married 2012
TTC #1 October 2014
BFP #1 October 2014 | CP #1 October 2014
BFP #2 November 2014 | CP #2 December 2014
BFP #3 June 2015 | MMC at 16 weeks September 2015
BFP #4 January 2016 | EDD September 12, 2016 | Baby Ducks born September 5, 2016
Thanks again for all the encouraging words. It's been a hectic couple of days, and I can't remember where I've updated, so apologies if this is duplicate. Ambrose's condition is slowly improving, but he is still very, very sick. We've managed to avoid ECMO, which is big news, as it would have required some major surgery to get going.
Still, things aren't looking good for him. He suffered some oxygen deprivation on his way to the hospital, and it looks like that's probably going to be a long term thing we're dealing with. They did a 24-hour EEG yesterday, and the neurologist says he isn't displaying normal brain activity. We're going to try and do an MRI in a few days to assess the damage further, but right now I'm operating under the assumption that our life with Ambrose is going to be radically different than the life we'd imagined for ourselves.
All of this is very, very hard. I'm trying to hold onto a thread of hope, but it's slipping. I know we'll get through this day by day, but looking into the future is overwhelming.
As for me, it's been difficult to take care of myself. I've been pumping to try and get my milk to come in, and apparently the amount of colostrum I've been able to hand express is very impressive. But I know I'm not eating or drinking near enough, and all the pumping feels very futile and lonely right now. I'm spending today lying in bed at the hotel, because I know I've been overdoing it, and I also feel a cold coming on. It really sucks to not be over there, but at the same time, I hate going over. I hate scrubbing up, and I hate seeing my little guy under sedation, with all the tubes and wires coming out of him.
Anyway, I'm not sure how much time I'll be spending on here during all this, but if any of you want to continue to follow our story, you can visit my blog at emilyIRL.com, where I'll be posting updates.
TTC #1 January 2016
BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016
Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018
BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
TTC #1 January 2016
BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016
Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018
BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
DD- 11/2016
I cannot speak to the future, but I trust no matter what happens you and your DH will handle it with strength, love, and compassion. Sometimes for reasons that do not make sense, unexpected and unfair things happen to the best people, and this is not in any way your fault. I will continue to send healing thoughts your way.
Due December 27th with baby #7
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
BFP May 16th 2016
DD born January 30 2017
Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
I am praying for you, your family, and your sweet Ambrose. This is a very difficult road, and I pray you have lots of love surrounding you.