Condescending Crap People Say to You ...

stokesm21 · November 2016

I thought I would start a funny/rant thread. Hoping no one jumps on me for it! :S I'm a first-time Mom, or will be, however, I have no unicorn fantasies about parenthood. I have enough people in my life who have kids to know what I'm getting in to (kind-of).

I know I will be more tired than I have in my entire life. Actually, I know I will think I knew what "tired" was before baby but will get a rude awakening when it actually happens.
I know that newborns are a mix of both resentment and immense love.
I know my life will change drastically.
I know it will no longer take 10 minutes to get out the door.
I know that there will probably be more bad days than good but that the good ones will make up for all the bad.
I know that more often than not, the best I can do will just be to get out of bed in the morning.
I know that some days, I will just sit with my baby and cry ... and cry, and cry from the exhaustion and this little person just needing you so, so much.

I actually had a friend tell me the other day that I will "hate" my body. That was a slap in the face. I'm excited for the big bulging belly. I'm already a bit overweight so I have stretch marks, a muffin top, you name it. I know that my stomach will never look the same again, nor my thighs, nor my boobs. And I'm okay with that! Even as a slightly bigger person, I'm 100% okay with who I am. Do I wish I was healthier? Definitely. But I'm a confident woman and I don't see birthing a child changing that. I was quite perturbed that someone actually had the audacity to tell me how I would feel about my body. I went from a size 3/5 before college to a size 13 now. I know I'm beautiful and my husband tells me every.damn.day.

I vowed to never turn into that jerk who makes childless people feel like crap because that's all I've felt for, well, forever since everyone around me started having kids. I don't know what tired is. I don't have responsibilities. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Blah blah blah. A few of my favourites are...

"Just wait ..."
"Oh you have no idea..."
"You think you're tired now?"
"Must be nice..."

Rant on ladies! Tell me your stories!

dancegurl1118 · November 2016

"Just wait" should be banned from any mouth of mothers. It totally invalidates what you are feeling at this moment. Sure, I know there are things that will be worse but RIGHT NOW WHATEVER IM GOING THROUGH SUCKS!

Dcwtada · November 2016

Both I and my husband love my pregnant body. Embrace it, it is truly a thing of beauty.

We are pregnant with our third in three years, when this LO is born we will have a three year old, a two year old and newborn all having a birthday within a week and a half (apparently October is a fertile month for us). We have gotten all sorts of fun comments:

Did you guys turn Catholic?

Have you figured out what is causing it?

You guys need a new hobby

or my favorite

We are going to throw your husband a vasectomy party in August.

kat0607 · November 2016

I love this!! No one knows we were TTC and the majority of our friends and family don't even know we're expecting. So, I haven't gotten too many comments yet, but I am bracing myself for when it all starts. One if my close friends (unmarried, no kids) has two cousins who just had babies this month, so I'm just waiting for her to start giving me advice based on their experiences. Ummm no thank you. I am a nice person for the most part but already know I'm going to be such a rude pregnant lady, because I'm sorry but I just do not care about unsolicited advice from strangers, or well-meaning friends saying "oh good luck, just you wait!" Thanks for your "concern" - if you can even call it that - but I am fully capable of doing my own research, making my own decisions and although I won't truly know until I experience it, Im not completely naive about the responsibility that comes with taking care of a newborn, much less raising a child.

MrsN092714 · November 2016

I have a BIG problem with the belly comments.
Your enormous! Your huge! Are you sure your only __ weeks/ Aren't you big for __weeks? Looks like your having a 10 pounder....
I don't know when it's became okay to comment on somebodies size but it seems once your pregnant the rules go out the window... Nothing hits the ego like the word enormous...

chiquita928 · November 2016

I am one of those people who looooves to learn from other people's experiences. I took lots of advice from people WITH kids. however, people without kids just pissed me off. Add "you just wait" was a load of crap. I was lucky enough to have a great pregnancy, and I loved my pregnant body last time. we shall see this time.

stokesm21 · November 2016

chiquita928 said:

I am one of those people who looooves to learn from other people's experiences. I took lots of advice from people WITH kids. however, people without kids just pissed me off. Add "you just wait" was a load of crap. I was lucky enough to have a great pregnancy, and I loved my pregnant body last time. we shall see this time.

Oh no no. I take advice from them all the time, good advice. Where would we be without it?

It's the condescending comments that offer nothing other than to make you feel like crap that drive me nuts! lol

stokesm21 · November 2016

kat0607 said:

although I won't truly know until I experience it, Im not completely naive about the responsibility that comes with taking care of a newborn, much less raising a child.

This x 1000.

Yes, we won't truly know until we experience it. But the thing that drives me batsh!t crazy is that THEY WERE FIRST-TIME PARENTS ONCE TOO!!! lol How easily they forget that. *eye*roll* And how easily they forget that they probably hated it when people said condescending crap to them too. Haha!

stokesm21 · November 2016

Dcwtada said:

Both I and my husband love my pregnant body. Embrace it, it is truly a thing of beauty.

We are pregnant with our third in three years, when this LO is born we will have a three year old, a two year old and newborn all having a birthday within a week and a half (apparently October is a fertile month for us). We have gotten all sorts of fun comments:

Did you guys turn Catholic?

Have you figured out what is causing it?

You guys need a new hobby

or my favorite

We are going to throw your husband a vasectomy party in August.

I told my friend I wanted more than 2 and that's where the "Just wait..." came in. I truly want a big family. Yes, it will be tough but I want what I want and someone telling me I don't or won't is just like ... give me a break already haha!

michelle04us · November 2016

@Dcwtada Im dreading telling certain people for the same reason. Between the two of us this will be our 5th child. Our 3 & 4 year olds are only 11 months apart. I know some people won't actually say it to our face but others will. I actually got a "he's keeping you barefoot and pregnant huh?" last pregnancy.

I am afraid of our older 2 kids' thoughts though. His ex-wife just had a baby last month so his daughter is going through newborn stage with her brother. I think if it's a girl she will be happy (all her siblings are boys). My oldest Im not sure. He has 4 brothers (my 2 and his dad has 2) so one more might not matter. We will see I guess lol.

kat0607 · November 2016

@michelle04us what is "barefoot and pregnant" supposed to mean????

Dcwtada · November 2016

It's a bit of a derogatory statement insinuating the man is keeping his wife at home with babies. Barefoot so she doesn't leave the house and pregnant because that's all women are good for. Barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen is also another popular phrase with the lovely additional meaning of cooking is her only other occupation/usefulness

LimeKrazy · November 2016

For me, the rude/annoying comments didn't really start until after the girls were born. People just seem to feel the need to comment on twins. But that's the whole 'nother thread!

I really only remember one comment about my belly and it wasn't even rude. I was getting on an airplane when I was I was probably 28ish weeks and the flight attendant said something like "We're not going to have a baby on the plane are we?" I just laughed and said "nope! We've got a couple more months!" Frankly it was probably a legitimate question on his part! lol

The one thing I could not stand was people touching my belly. I cannot figure out why people think that when you're pregnant it suddenly becomes ok to invade your personal space and just hang out there. Ugh!

michelle04us · November 2016

@kat0607 yep what @Dcwtada said. I found it very offensive.

hqinmd · November 2016

chiquita928 said:

I am one of those people who looooves to learn from other people's experiences. I took lots of advice from people WITH kids. however, people without kids just pissed me off. Add "you just wait" was a load of crap. I was lucky enough to have a great pregnancy, and I loved my pregnant body last time. we shall see this time.

Yes, but there's a difference between saying "it took my kid ten months to sleep through the night. I thought I was tired by the end of my pregnancy, but that was nothing" and "you don't know what tired is." The former is sharing experience; the latter is being a jerk.

Not that I get the impression you disagree. But it's all in the wording/delivery.

And yes. I was huge with both my pregnancies. And people commented (often the same people) every. Damn. Day. Unbelievable. I wanted to wear a sign. "Three months left. No, not twins. Yes, I'm sure about that. Yes, I couldn't walk through a door sideways. Thanks for noticing."

morgarita · November 2016

stokesm21 said:
I know I will be more tired than I have in my entire life. Actually, I know I will think I knew what "tired" was before baby but will get a rude awakening when it actually happens.
I know that newborns are a mix of both resentment and immense love.
I know my life will change drastically.
I know it will no longer take 10 minutes to get out the door.
I know that there will probably be more bad days than good but that the good ones will make up for all the bad.
I know that more often than not, the best I can do will just be to get out of bed in the morning.
I know that some days, I will just sit with my baby and cry ... and cry, and cry from the exhaustion and this little person just needing you so, so much.

Love, love, love this!!!!!! Exactly how I feel! Every woman's different and you may not feel that way but you sumed up how I feel. And I love everyone's comments.

I only get comments from a one mom who tells me how much harder her life is with two kids than my one. But I think that's more of a she's trying to be better than everyone. It actually just makes me want another child more and to work harder at being great. But I haven't told that group of friends yet bc of her. it's a shame how some people can ruin your excitement.

stokesm21 · November 2016

morgarita said:

I only get comments from a one mom who tells me how much harder her life is with two kids than my one.

This. Then when we have our 1 it will be all about, "Trying having 2!" *eye*roll* You can never win haha!

flipflopped · November 2016

@limekrazy I had a similar flying experience. I was about 6 months along. The airport screener was visibly suprised when my scan came up on the screen. Totally cracked me up to watch his eyes get big!! He shouted a congrats and totally made my day

KissMeImScottish · November 2016

stokesm21 said:

I know that there will probably be more bad days than good but that the good ones will make up for all the bad.

You're post is very well written and I agree with so much that you expressed. I just want to weigh in as a second time mom here, though, and hopefully make things look brighter from the other side. I genuinely hope you don't have more bad days than good! The days with baby are what you make of them, and just because you're tired or feeling overwhelmed in the moment, or even if you have a meltdown, I promise you, the good so, SO outweighs and outnumbers the bad, no making up necessary!

stokesm21 · November 2016

ktewart said:

stokesm21 said:

I know that there will probably be more bad days than good but that the good ones will make up for all the bad.

You're post is very well written and I agree with so much that you expressed. I just want to weigh in as a second time mom here, though, and hopefully make things look brighter from the other side. I genuinely hope you don't have more bad days than good! The days with baby are what you make of them, and just because you're tired or feeling overwhelmed in the moment, or even if you have a meltdown, I promise you, the good so, SO outweighs and outnumbers the bad, no making up necessary!

Thank you!

That is very encouraging to hear!

chiquita928 · November 2016

hqinmd said:

chiquita928 said:

I am one of those people who looooves to learn from other people's experiences. I took lots of advice from people WITH kids. however, people without kids just pissed me off. Add "you just wait" was a load of crap. I was lucky enough to have a great pregnancy, and I loved my pregnant body last time. we shall see this time.

Yes, but there's a difference between saying "it took my kid ten months to sleep through the night. I thought I was tired by the end of my pregnancy, but that was nothing" and "you don't know what tired is." The former is sharing experience; the latter is being a jerk.

Not that I get the impression you disagree. But it's all in the wording/delivery.

I guess I'm not very clear sometimes. I'm in total agreement with both you and the original post. "You just wait" sort of things are just rude. Any time someone tried to one-up your experiences is really self-centered of them. I hated it!

awillis13 · November 2016

MrsN092714 said:

I have a BIG problem with the belly comments.
Your enormous! Your huge! Are you sure your only __ weeks/ Aren't you big for __weeks? Looks like your having a 10 pounder....
I don't know when it's became okay to comment on somebodies size but it seems once your pregnant the rules go out the window... Nothing hits the ego like the word enormous...

You forgot "are you sure it's not twins?!"

thanks for for making me feel like a giant cow

supermom83 · November 2016

I was told by my SIL that having a third child is considered a "status symbol" for our area since it's a high cost of living, and that nobody would possibly WANT three kids, so it's just a way for people to show off

There has also been a lot of talk with my siblings about "those people" who have more than 2 kids. They said they're either ignorant and stupid, or irresponsible. Should be fun telling them we're expecting our very wanted 3rd baby...

purplegoldfish2 · November 2016

LimeKrazy said:

For me, the rude/annoying comments didn't really start until after the girls were born. People just seem to feel the need to comment on twins. But that's the whole 'nother thread!

I really only remember one comment about my belly and it wasn't even rude. I was getting on an airplane when I was I was probably 28ish weeks and the flight attendant said something like "We're not going to have a baby on the plane are we?" I just laughed and said "nope! We've got a couple more months!" Frankly it was probably a legitimate question on his part! lol

The one thing I could not stand was people touching my belly. I cannot figure out why people think that when you're pregnant it suddenly becomes ok to invade your personal space and just hang out there. Ugh!

Lucky! I got all kinds of comments from people telling me I would deliver early (even though I was full term at the time) to rude comments about how big I was ("Geez, how many babies do you have in there?" "Just 2" "Oh, really? I didn't know you were having twins!" - uhh, were you trying to make me feel bad then?) to questions about their conception ("were you trying for twins?!?" I'm still not sure if they were asking about positions or how often we tried, but either way, wtf?).

I must have been an angry looking pregnant lady, because people rarely touched me (thankfully). Around 33 weeks, I was measuring 42 weeks and my skin was so super sensitive that when my mom tried to touch my belly I almost broke her hand. I can't imagine having to fight off people trying to touch you all the time.

cssme13 · November 2016

DH has a best friend who when I was pregnant with my DD told us "you know this isn't a race right?" That's the only comment that's ever really bugged me and I'm at the point where I don't even want to personally tell him this time and just let him find out on his own.

edited: hit send too soon

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

MrsN092714 said:

I have a BIG problem with the belly comments.
Your enormous! Your huge! Are you sure your only __ weeks/ Aren't you big for __weeks? Looks like your having a 10 pounder....
I don't know when it's became okay to comment on somebodies size but it seems once your pregnant the rules go out the window... Nothing hits the ego like the word enormous...

@MrsN092714 - I am pretty good at crying on the spot so if someone said something like this I might just start crying (for the fun of it) to watch them freak out at making me feel bad.

I am 6 weeks today and I already had a co-worker try rubbing my belly. Like really? I have known you for 3 months. Get your filthy paws off my belly!

Another thing I get is people guessing what I am having because of what they SEE me eating / drinking. I don't mind people saying "I think it's a boy" or "I think it's a girl" and leaving it at that but when they try to back it up with reasons (at no prompting from me) that's when it gets annoying.

I have had a couple people insinuate that DH & I are being irresponsible because we're thinking of not finding out the gender until the baby is born.

My family hasn't said too much because I haven't seem them since they found out (other than our parents) but I am sure I will get some comments when I do....

kat0607 · November 2016

SaphireSweetie88 said:
*snipped*
I have had a couple people insinuate that DH & I are being irresponsible because we're thinking of not finding out the gender until the baby is born.

Are you KIDDING ME?! Literally I swear some people just love being condescending, even if it means going against all logic and reason. I get so unendingly irritated at other people's stupidity.

munchkinsmama · November 2016

When I was pregnant with twins everyone assumed we would be done because we got our girl and I found that annoying. I am also prepared for many comments when out shopping with all 3 and a noticeable bump. strangers ask all the time if I'm done. So strange to me. I also got asked if my twins were natural... super annoying!!!!

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

kat0607 said:

SaphireSweetie88 said:
*snipped*
I have had a couple people insinuate that DH & I are being irresponsible because we're thinking of not finding out the gender until the baby is born.

Are you KIDDING ME?! Literally I swear some people just love being condescending, even if it means going against all logic and reason. I get so unendingly irritated at other people's stupidity.

@kat0607 - Sadly it happens and is so frustrating. One of these times I feel I might snap and say " I don't like what you're insinuating. Please explain how not finding out the gender is irresponsible." and then wait for them to try and come up with something that makes sense.

chiquita928 · November 2016

Yeah sometimes people DO need to be called out on it if they're being rude. I don't think people always realize that the things they say or do are just not ok, and can even be hurtful.

purplegoldfish2 · November 2016

chiquita928 said:

Yeah sometimes people DO need to be called out on it if they're being rude. I don't think people always realize that the things they say or do are just not ok, and can even be hurtful.

I agree, a lot of people just don't realize it. I was out for a walk with my boys when they were around 7 weeks. A woman stops me and exclaims "twins? And another one in your belly?!?" (There was more, something nice like how I was blessed or something.). I just told her "nope, just the two" and smiled as I walked past her. She was absolutely mortified (it was all over her face) & I actually felt a little bad, but reminded myself that I may have just saved somebody that was feeling bad about their body after baby from some grief. (In the woman's defense, she couldn't actually see the babies, just the carriers in the stroller, so they could have been older infants for all she knew. She very clearly did not mean to be rude or offensive and, at 7 weeks pp, I looked probably 5-6 months pregnant).

ginger1228 · November 2016

SaphireSweetie88 said:

kat0607 said:

SaphireSweetie88 said:
*snipped*
I have had a couple people insinuate that DH & I are being irresponsible because we're thinking of not finding out the gender until the baby is born.

Are you KIDDING ME?! Literally I swear some people just love being condescending, even if it means going against all logic and reason. I get so unendingly irritated at other people's stupidity.

@kat0607 - Sadly it happens and is so frustrating. One of these times I feel I might snap and say " I don't like what you're insinuating. Please explain how not finding out the gender is irresponsible." and then wait for them to try and come up with something that makes sense.

I think I want to be surprised about the sex of our baby and one of my friends keeps saying "we found out because I wanted to plan." Plan for what?? Why make it sound like I'm not planning well for my baby just because I don't want to know the sex ahead of time? Pretty sure all babies need the same planning - just because your planning includes blue for a boy doesn't mean mine has to.
Im not sure why it makes her feel less than just to say "we couldn't wait. I wanted to know the sex right away." That's a perfectly reasonable thing.

akbride09 · November 2016

My DH and I would like to be foster parents in the future, and/or adopt. My SIL said, "just wait until you have your own flesh and blood child, you won't want to anymore." I found it offensive and insensitive for several reasons, not least of which is that my mom was adopted (and she knows that)... If my grandmother, who had a biological son, had felt the same way I wouldn't even be here. And my reasons for wanting to foster/adopt haven't changed by having a child!

mars8k · November 2016

i only told supportive people so far so nothing yet but let me tell you about my first!

i heard it all, from oh you want 3 kids? i'll ask you again after you have this one, oh you can't sleep? haha just wait till the baby comes. blah blah blah, you like you're cute lil bump? wait till it gets so big you can't wear your shoes, wait till you feel gigantic like a whale....

P.S: don't even get me started on the delivery horror stories!

then after i gave birth to the most adorable baby girl : oh you think she's a handful now? wait till she starts rolling over
wait till she crawls
wait till she walks

and an endless train of complete and utter negativity but you know what? they were wrong!!!

the pregnancy only got better as it progressed, seriously the first trimester was the worst and then it was amazing! still a bit tiring but rewarding too! getting to see your bump and feeling the baby move (can't wait!)

same thing with my baby! it started out difficult but it keeps getting better and better as she gets older!

moral of the story is life is F**king beautiful don't let anyone ruin it for you! i've taken it upon myself to be the voice of positive wisdom when sitting with pregnant women or TTC women.

chiquita928 · November 2016

akbride09 said:

My DH and I would like to be foster parents in the future, and/or adopt. My SIL said, "just wait until you have your own flesh and blood child, you won't want to anymore." I found it offensive and insensitive for several reasons, not least of which is that my mom was adopted (and she knows that)... If my grandmother, who had a biological son, had felt the same way I wouldn't even be here. And my reasons for wanting to foster/adopt haven't changed by having a child!

Wow that's so harsh! Good for you for wanting to help children who need it!

morgarita · November 2016

Oh I forgot. So I look younger than I am, I'm 28 now and was 26 when I was pregnant with ds. And I was managing a restaurant and bar so sometimes I would bartend. People didn't outright ask but they would ask about the dad, and one person asked if he would be involved. Id be like I'm married to him and show my ring, which isn't that small (but not huge either). Or also about if I was going to go to college, I'd respond with I'm thinking about grad school but my bachelors in management is working for now.

Id also get are you coming back to work? Which at the time was like uh yeah why not. But now I stay at home so...

LimeKrazy · November 2016

HP1119 said:

LimeKrazy said:

For me, the rude/annoying comments didn't really start until after the girls were born. People just seem to feel the need to comment on twins. But that's the whole 'nother thread!

I really only remember one comment about my belly and it wasn't even rude. I was getting on an airplane when I was I was probably 28ish weeks and the flight attendant said something like "We're not going to have a baby on the plane are we?" I just laughed and said "nope! We've got a couple more months!" Frankly it was probably a legitimate question on his part! lol

The one thing I could not stand was people touching my belly. I cannot figure out why people think that when you're pregnant it suddenly becomes ok to invade your personal space and just hang out there. Ugh!

Lucky! I got all kinds of comments from people telling me I would deliver early (even though I was full term at the time) to rude comments about how big I was ("Geez, how many babies do you have in there?" "Just 2" "Oh, really? I didn't know you were having twins!" - uhh, were you trying to make me feel bad then?) to questions about their conception ("were you trying for twins?!?" I'm still not sure if they were asking about positions or how often we tried, but either way, wtf?).

I must have been an angry looking pregnant lady, because people rarely touched me (thankfully). Around 33 weeks, I was measuring 42 weeks and my skin was so super sensitive that when my mom tried to touch my belly I almost broke her hand. I can't imagine having to fight off people trying to touch you all the time.

Maybe I just blocked them out! lol

stokesm21 · November 2016

supermom83 said:

I was told by my SIL that having a third child is considered a "status symbol" for our area since it's a high cost of living, and that nobody would possibly WANT three kids, so it's just a way for people to show off

There has also been a lot of talk with my siblings about "those people" who have more than 2 kids. They said they're either ignorant and stupid, or irresponsible. Should be fun telling them we're expecting our very wanted 3rd baby...

Oh my goodness that is terrible! I want 3 or maybe even 4! That having a 3rd makes you ignorant, stupid or irresponsible just makes absolutely no sense at all. I've never even heard of such a ridiculous notion.

stokesm21 · November 2016

akbride09 said:

My DH and I would like to be foster parents in the future, and/or adopt. My SIL said, "just wait until you have your own flesh and blood child, you won't want to anymore." I found it offensive and insensitive for several reasons, not least of which is that my mom was adopted (and she knows that)... If my grandmother, who had a biological son, had felt the same way I wouldn't even be here. And my reasons for wanting to foster/adopt haven't changed by having a child!

I don't even have words for how insensitive this is. some people can love children who aren't biologically their own and other's can't. It's not right or wrong either way but to say that ... to people who truly want to adopt? The audacity!

I have always wanted to adopt even though we are perfectly capable of have our own (I'm a FTM) DH unfortunately, has been very honest in saying he doesn't think he could parent a child who isn't his own. So, that dream is out for me. But I find it a bit weird as well. DH's son isn't my own and I love him and parent him as if he was. I kind of don't see the difference ya know? Oh well.

You do whatever you want to do and ignore everyone else. I'm shocked at how far some people go with their opinions!

glitterfish-2 · November 2016

I had to use "Just wait" on my friend - when I mentioned how ridiculously tired I am, she told me she will never have that problem because she will exercise if she ever gets pregnant. **HUGE EYEROLL**

kinge16 · November 2016

as a mom I hate the "just wait" it happens after they are here too. And then a FTM will tell me that they don't want any of the pacifiers I have that LO didn't like because "they aren't going to do the pacifier thing, its a crutch". and I have to physically hold myself back from saying...YOU JUST WAIT.

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