Also, I talked to my husband. He legit thought that I get up so much in the night because I can't/don't want to sleep. I explained to him it's because of my squished bladder and that I need to snack on something. He understands now and I'll let it slide cuz he's a first time dad. But seriously, I feel like he should know this. It was still totally glare worthy.
@TeacherMom2517 I completely agree with what everyone else has said. As you said in your initial response to your friend, it is her wedding and she can do what she wants, but that doesn't mean those choices don't affect people or don't have consequences. She's asking a lot of you and I don't think you should feel like you have to suck it up and not let her know how that affects you.
On a completely unrelated note, am I the only one who completely does not understand the protein pancake trend? I saw a recipe yesterday that was a banana, two eggs, and baking powder. That's not a pancake, it's a banana omelette and it sounds gross.
@TeacherMom2517 I would just be honest and let her know how you feel. That's crazy that you would have to do that traveling without him. I was invited to a wedding and my H wasn't. The bride and groom were both at our weddings and bachelor parties so it was strange. I think if you're in a serious relationship or married your spouse needs to be invited
@TeacherMom2517 I agree with your response and PPs. I would just add, make sure you talk to her BEFORE she sends invites.
My guess is she will be significantly cutting her guest list if she only invites friends without SOs. I know I wouldn't want to do a trip like that without H.
I think it's extremely tacky to not offer a +1 to your wedding guests, no matter the circumstance (unless of course they're kids). If you can only have 50 people, then you only invite 25 couples. Sucks but that's what it is.
I could never imagine inviting one person to my wedding and expect them to show up without those spouse. When I was planning my wedding, I invited couples as one, it was just common sense to me. However I put on my invitations that childcare for children under the age of 10 would be provided during the ceremony because my SIL has five kids all under the age of 6 and they were absolutely atrocious at her wedding. I just wanted to avoid that completely. But I didn't just not invite them because I didn't want them there. I think your friend sounds very selfish and rude right now. I could see not inviting your bf of 2 months but your husband?? Yeah. I'd be blunt with her and tell her you won't be able to make it there without the help of your H. @TeacherMom2517
UPDATE: Thank you all for the verbal affirmations since pregnancy doesn't allow for liquid courage in confrontations! I brought it up to her and basically said I am hurt by it, not because I want to plead to her to invite my husband now, but more so that as one of my closest friends, she wouldn't see my husband as an important person to attend her wedding or think of me and think she should invite him. She initially was like "OMG thank you SO much for saying something, it's okay, I wouldn't want you to be hurt or offended and I'm sorry that you took it that way, I'm happy to invite him..." blah blah blah (Bish, how did you expect me to take it?!?!) And she explained that she is trying to keep it extremely small so she is just inviting family and close friends without inviting any 'plus ones' and that it wasn't just my husband she didn't invite. Well, I ended up saying something to the effect of "yeah, and I can see how it is hard with keeping numbers small, but you just don't want to offend any of your other friends either who may be in a similar situation having a spouse, finance, or serious significant other, so maybe it is something to consider".... WELL! That was apparently not the right thing to say, because she went off the handle that I was trying to teach her wedding etiquette and she doesn't care about wedding etiquette (Well, this is also basic friendship etiquette, my dear.... but whatever! What do I know, right?) Ultimately we resolved the tension of wedding etiquette and honestly I don't know if we left it that DH will or will not be invited, but I kinda just said that she needs to consider the people she wants to invite and be understanding if the repercussions are that many people do not attend because of the family situations they are placed in by not being welcomed. And the baby didn't even come up in all of this. I will have a 6 month old who will likely still be very attached to my boob at that point. DH is also military so if he ends up deployed or at training, does she expect me to just leave him in a hotel by himself? Who knows what will end up happening later on and if I will actually attend or not/whether or not DH will be invited, but at least I spoke my peace and the ball is in her court to do the right thing or not!
You did her a favor @TeacherMom2517. It's a shame that our generation is turning its back on etiquette, which really just means being kind and considerate of others. You won't be the only one put off, and you did her a solid by politely warning her.
Thank you, @Xstatic3333! If I was being a total bish and about to piss off my closest family and friends, I'd want someone to give me a reality check and a swift kick in the ass before I messed that all up!
@TeacherMom2517 Your friend is acting crazy. But wedding planning is stressful stuff. Not saying I agree with her behavior, but she is probably just now realizing how expensive weddings can be. She needs to reevaluate her guest list and her priorities of her guests. I agree with you that there will be reprocussions and more than likely lost friendships. You did the right thing by telling her how you feel.
@TeacherMom2517 nowhere near the same level as your situation but we went for dinner with my mil this evening & there was some serious bitching done about some family weddings in december with a similar situation. Firstly 2 of my husbands cousins are getting married a day after each other (30th & 31st dec), this in itself has caused all manner of upset between the families (the 2 cousins mothers are sisters). The invitations came out for wedding #2 a few weeks ago & whilst i was invited neither of my bil or sils partners were invited, infact my bil & sil were sent one invitation with both their names on it. This has upset my mil, bil & sil & is kind of awkward given that both their partners are from england & coming to ireland for the holidays & its not as if they will just leave them at home on their own! Both are serious relationships in that they live together & have been together 2+ years & 4+ years. Invitations for wedding #1 arent out yet so im waiting to see how that pans out. Personally, id rather not have been invited either as then we'd have a better excuse for not going but we had already decided we wernt going as its too much hassle to get to the different locations & at 8 months pregnant im def not up for that, along with my bday being the 29th dec & we had planned to go away for a few nights.
Wedding planning is made to make us feel like if something goes wrong your whole marriage is ruined--it isnt. Weddings are expensive and stressful but you shouldnt cut costs in ways thay are harmful to your relationships. @TeacherMom2517 Im glad you spoke up and I'm glad she listened to some of your concerns. I hope others talk some sense into her!
@Janefelicity are the two weddings at least located close to each other that everyone coming for them will all be within the same general vicinity of each other? That's super bold of #2 to plan their wedding the day after the first, already knowing when theirs was! And I totally don't blame you for not attending... stay out of the drama, use baby as the excuse, and make your life less complicated to just celebrate your birthday!
On tonight's episode of "So you live in small town/rural America"... we decided to go out to eat which is really hard if not impossible to do on a Sunday... or Monday for that matter. We had our choice of driving an hour away to a nearby city or driving a mere 30-35 min to the one restaurant that's open tonight. We chose the closer option,had a decent meal, came home, husband realized he left his phone on the table back at the restaurant.
I did get to see an AWESOME looking moon though on the way back.
@Spicyweiner *fist bump* courthouse weddings are 1000% underrated. H and I filed a declaration of marriage, was just a five minute "sign here and here" process with a friend to witness and a dozen roses for pictures (my profile picture was from that day). We went to get celebratory dinner afterwards, and H's boss called with an emergency flat tire. Walked over still dressed in our "fancy" attire, H changed her tire and then we went home. Wouldn't have done it any other way though!
I always had the "perfect" wedding in my head. But we went courthouse style too. The craziness that went with it could make a great day time drama, but it's a good story lol all my ceremony pictures have a whiteboard in the background showing a "car accident" lol
+1 for a courthouse wedding! We moved 6 hours away from our families for ourselves and a few months later decided to get married. H surprised me with BOTH my dad and sister showing up! We had about 10 people there and then went out to dinner. We've been married for a year and nothing has changed.
I had a small wedding, it was almost a courthouse wedding, but my mom wasn't having it. So we had a small one with about 100 people. The only real big splurge was my dress. We didn't get it professionally catered, we had a taco bar. It was awesome.
Guys, there's a post in the October thread of a lady who gave birth vaginally to a 10 lb baby! Wouldn't doctors usually switch to a cesarean for that? I feel so bad for her.
@Afkash my SIL actually just had a VBAC with an 11 pound baby... Ouch! Just thinking of it made my vag. immediately start doing kegals....
ETA: I just decided to go check out the October birth announcements and HOLY CRAP ANXIETY ATTACK!!! Who said I'm ready to have a baby and be responsible for another life?!?! Hahaha I also enjoy planning and organizing life... can I just use a megaphone to chat with baby and tell him exactly what day and time I would like him to naturally begin his labor and delivery?!?! I feel like starting in December the "omg this baby can come at any time/something can change at any moment" scares are gonna creep up...
@Afkash my SIL actually just had a VBAC with an 11 pound baby... Ouch! Just thinking of it made my vag. immediately start doing kegals....
Omg! Did your SIL tear? I'm sure age did, right? This lady on Oct thread got a 4th degree tear and then she started hemorrhaging and needed blood transfusions. So freaking scary.
@Afkash my SIL actually just had a VBAC with an 11 pound baby... Ouch! Just thinking of it made my vag. immediately start doing kegals....
Omg! Did your SIL tear? I'm sure age did, right? This lady on Oct thread got a 4th degree tear and then she started hemorrhaging and needed blood transfusions. So freaking scary.
Ouch guys! I had no idea. I thought you only tear that much* if the baby is big. But I'm glad I'm reading this stuff because I'd rather be prepared than be surprised. Thank you, ladies!
I had a six pound baby and tore a little bit. @srscott3 pooping wasn't a problem at all for me. But I made certain I was consistent with my colace out of fear!
@srscott3 I had second degree tearing and 8lb 10oz baby that came out face up with his hand too. Pooping wasn't terrible but the hospital did give me colace. I was just surprised/unprepared for how much everything hurt down there all the time! I never thought about that before when visiting friends that recently had a baby!
@Janefelicity are the two weddings at least located close to each other that everyone coming for them will all be within the same general vicinity of each other?
Nope, nowhere even remotely close a few hours drive from home in opposite directions! #2 & her husband to be live in new york & wanted their wedding when they would be home, which i understand but still not nice for all involved.
eta: my husband isnt close to either cousin, ive met wedding #2 cousin once & dont think ive met wedding #1 cousin. Also neither came to our wedding so i dont feel obliged to go to either.
Yeah let's minimize the big baby scare tactics please. Things can go right or wrong with any size of kiddo. If my kid is expected to be 10 lbs (way too soon to tell but we're trending bigger), vaginal delivery remains my first choice.
@AfKash not to scare you but you can tear at any weight for the baby. If you have a weak stomach you might not want to read birth announcements
I had a 8lbs baby and ended up with a 4th degree tear. It left me with some very minor complications following the birth. There's no pain or discomfort though.
Most people heal just fine and it's rare you'll ever tear in the 3rd-4th degree with subsequent deliveries. Regardless of how big your baby is, your body is gonna do what it does in the end.
Even with a 4th degree, pooping wasn't bad. Just take the stool softners. They're a must.
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
@srscott3 I had a tear and it didn't hurt to poop I was just afraid to because of what I'd read. It was actually pretty easy. The peeing though, I don't know if it was the placement of my stitches or what but it was painful as hell for about a week or so.
I definitely agree with PP you can tear with any size and it's not like some terrible thing necessarily. I knew a very small women who had four kids all over 10 lbs vaginally, no tears. You never know how your labor will go so definitely don't get scared reading the stories online. It will be your own unique awesome experience.
The pooping on the table though... that haunts me.
This conversation is mildly terrifying. I'd like to continue living on my little cloud of believing that if I bring enough essential oils to lube up the chute, I won't tear at all and life for my body will resume as normal immediately afterward.
I cut cut then tore farther with my 8lb baby. granted he had a huge head. Fat squishes, heads don't. Lol. But really you can tear with any size baby- size is not a good medical reason to jump to C section. Granted I know there are some Drs that do that still.
@srscott3 I had 3rd degree- tons of stitches- and it wasn't too bad. I just made sure to take my colace regularly and definitely made sure not to really "push" for quite some time. To me the harder part(sorry if tmi) is clean up. Because you use your peri bottle to squeeze water up there at first and can like "gently" wipe but you don't want to touch your stitches etc.
I'm actually way more nervous about episiotomies than tearing. This is based on things I've heard from IRL friends and may or may not be logical. In my head, the tear will heal better than a cut. I really need to finally start my Ina May Garden book and get educated.
The other her day I was chatting with my admin assistant, who has four kids. All were med free, MW assisted births, and birth weights ranged from the 7's to high 9's. I asked how delivering the larger baby went (she had initiated this conversation, I wasn't prying) and she said it was like the difference between cutting your arm off at your wrist and cutting it off at the elbow. They're all going to hurt, no matter what.
@Xstatic3333 I think your intuition is right about episiotomies versus natural tearing. I read a lot with my first pregnancy and that rings a bell. I don't think it is common practice anymore.
@Xstatic3333 first birth I had an episiotomy(without my consent) second delivery I tore naturally and it was like night and day in my opinion. The natural tear healed so so much better than the episiotomy did. And was just less painful right away after delivery. So both in short term and long term it was better to tear. Honestly most Drs don't do episiotomies anymore as that's kind of the consensus that tearing is better. Even when I had ds 5yrs ago that was starting to be the norm but I had a douchey dr come in to deliver my son who told me I was "going too slow" even though from start of any labor to delivery was only 8hrs with my first child- AND that was with him not allowing me to get up and walk/move which I think personally would have sped things up. And he gave me tons of crap for going med free as well. He was just overall a douche. At the time we lived in a town who's C section rate was sky high too.
With chloe we lived somewhere new and I was like- I don't want to be cut and my midwife said that they(their practice) does not do that so I didn't have to worry about it.
Re: Weekly Randoms (10/10)
On a completely unrelated note, am I the only one who completely does not understand the protein pancake trend? I saw a recipe yesterday that was a banana, two eggs, and baking powder. That's not a pancake, it's a banana omelette and it sounds gross.
My guess is she will be significantly cutting her guest list if she only invites friends without SOs. I know I wouldn't want to do a trip like that without H.
Edit: Awful proofreading. Shameful really.
Invitations for wedding #1 arent out yet so im waiting to see how that pans out.
Personally, id rather not have been invited either as then we'd have a better excuse for not going but we had already decided we wernt going as its too much hassle to get to the different locations & at 8 months pregnant im def not up for that, along with my bday being the 29th dec & we had planned to go away for a few nights.
I did get to see an AWESOME looking moon though on the way back.
ETA: I just decided to go check out the October birth announcements and HOLY CRAP ANXIETY ATTACK!!! Who said I'm ready to have a baby and be responsible for another life?!?! Hahaha I also enjoy planning and organizing life... can I just use a megaphone to chat with baby and tell him exactly what day and time I would like him to naturally begin his labor and delivery?!?! I feel like starting in December the "omg this baby can come at any time/something can change at any moment" scares are gonna creep up...
@srscott3 pooping wasn't a problem at all for me. But I made certain I was consistent with my colace out of fear!
#2 & her husband to be live in new york & wanted their wedding when they would be home, which i understand but still not nice for all involved.
eta: my husband isnt close to either cousin, ive met wedding #2 cousin once & dont think ive met wedding #1 cousin. Also neither came to our wedding so i dont feel obliged to go to either.
Most people heal just fine and it's rare you'll ever tear in the 3rd-4th degree with subsequent deliveries. Regardless of how big your baby is, your body is gonna do what it does in the end.
Even with a 4th degree, pooping wasn't bad. Just take the stool softners. They're a must.
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
I definitely agree with PP you can tear with any size and it's not like some terrible thing necessarily. I knew a very small women who had four kids all over 10 lbs vaginally, no tears. You never know how your labor will go so definitely don't get scared reading the stories online. It will be your own unique awesome experience.
The pooping on the table though... that haunts me.
@srscott3 I had 3rd degree- tons of stitches- and it wasn't too bad. I just made sure to take my colace regularly and definitely made sure not to really "push" for quite some time. To me the harder part(sorry if tmi) is clean up. Because you use your peri bottle to squeeze water up there at first and can like "gently" wipe but you don't want to touch your stitches etc.
The other her day I was chatting with my admin assistant, who has four kids. All were med free, MW assisted births, and birth weights ranged from the 7's to high 9's. I asked how delivering the larger baby went (she had initiated this conversation, I wasn't prying) and she said it was like the difference between cutting your arm off at your wrist and cutting it off at the elbow. They're all going to hurt, no matter what.
With chloe we lived somewhere new and I was like- I don't want to be cut and my midwife said that they(their practice) does not do that so I didn't have to worry about it.