May 2017 Moms
SKZW
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Baby Shower Question
SKZW
member
In a recent post on people knowing the baby's sex, @kat81 mentioned: "When you have a shower (i.e. it's your first baby), it's even better to be team green because people are forced into getting actual practical stuff off your list, or books, as opposed to clothes...."
And the first part of that got me thinking...
What's your take on baby showers for babies who aren't your first baby? When I was pregnant with my first, 3 years ago, it was a super extra-special time in our lives because it was the first grandchild on 2 out of 3 of our sides of the family. It was even the first great-grandchild for a lucky Grammy! We were blessed and lucky to have a lot of family at the time to share in our joy and want to visit with us when we were pretty far along and celebrate the upcoming birth. My sister/soon-to-be auntie delighted in throwing the shower in our honor. (P.S. It wasn't some gift-grab either, although gifts were showered on us.) So, now, with a second on the way (fingers crossed), I've been reading some baby shower chatter and there's diverse opinions on even whether to have a shower? I guess some people assume you have everything you need and don't want to feel obligated to buy you anything? Is that the prevailing wisdom nowadays? I come at it from the standpoint of "shower you with love and celebrate a new life" and don't think it's out of the ordinary to have a shower for a 2nd/3rd child. (As soon as we tell people, I'm positive said auntie will be all over the party planning again!) But is your take on it different? Are baby showers really only for the first child? I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks everyone!
And the first part of that got me thinking...
What's your take on baby showers for babies who aren't your first baby? When I was pregnant with my first, 3 years ago, it was a super extra-special time in our lives because it was the first grandchild on 2 out of 3 of our sides of the family. It was even the first great-grandchild for a lucky Grammy! We were blessed and lucky to have a lot of family at the time to share in our joy and want to visit with us when we were pretty far along and celebrate the upcoming birth. My sister/soon-to-be auntie delighted in throwing the shower in our honor. (P.S. It wasn't some gift-grab either, although gifts were showered on us.) So, now, with a second on the way (fingers crossed), I've been reading some baby shower chatter and there's diverse opinions on even whether to have a shower? I guess some people assume you have everything you need and don't want to feel obligated to buy you anything? Is that the prevailing wisdom nowadays? I come at it from the standpoint of "shower you with love and celebrate a new life" and don't think it's out of the ordinary to have a shower for a 2nd/3rd child. (As soon as we tell people, I'm positive said auntie will be all over the party planning again!) But is your take on it different? Are baby showers really only for the first child? I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks everyone!
Re: Baby Shower Question
DS1 was born at 30 weeks. Unbeknownst to me, my family had planned a baby shower for 33 weeks. They asked if I still would attend but I declined because I did not want to spend time away from my don in the NICU. When I was expecting DS2, they hinted at a shower. I am very against showers after the first child and I politely told them so. They still planned a surprise shower and I was super embarrassed when I showed up. I honestly thought about turning around and heading home.
however, I stayed because I didn't want to be rude. It was nice and of course I was very thankful. My sisters said they wanted to do it since they didn't get to throw one a few years before. Of course I cried remembering our time in the NICU.
I've totally rambled now, but I guess in the end it's more rude to turn a gift away, if someone wants to give you a shower. I still would not expect one or plan for one after the first child.
11.2011 - DS1
02.2013 - loss at 6 wks
06.2014 - DS2
10.2015 - loss at 12 wks
03.2017 - DD
I love the idea of celebrating all babies! That said, if someone is opposed, it's as simple as not attending.
Eta. @jellybeanqueen13 I generally side eye self-thrown baby showers as well. I think it's tacky.
I had a large baby shower for DD1. For DD2, I declined a shower because I had everything plus all then girl clothes too. For this baby, if it's another girl I definitely won't be having a shower. If it's a boy I know my mom has mentioned having a small shower so people can gift "boy items". We will see, I'm not crazy about the idea.
Sweet Baby H 12.21.11
Sassy Baby P 03.26.14
Little Brother Due 05.22.17
May '17 labor memes
I would however be more understanding of a "baby sprinkle" for an opposite sex, or to just at least celebrate the upcoming birth and if anybody wanted to bring gifts, it would have to be just diapers and basics that the mama will need anyways (toiletries etc). It seems like a much more casual/low key version for anybody that wants to throw a shower for someone expecting #2+.
1) you are expecting twins -- you really do need a second set of everything
2) you are expecting soon after the first -- this is kind of like twins and you definitely need more stuff, like a second crib, high chair, etc, but I do think this one starts to look a little gift-grabby if not done well or as more of a "sprinkle."
3) you are expecting after a big age gap and this is a surprise. You've already given away your stuff. Perhaps some of the people you gave away to can be the ones to donate back to you and you don't need a shower, though, just people helping out and chipping in.
4) You have moved and/or switched jobs, and your new local friends/co-workers want to celebrate in some way as they never got a chance to celebrate for your first. If it's constrained mostly to this subset of a social group (i.e. not your family coming in with gifts) and it's more of a celebration with a group gift card / group gift or a cake but no true gifts, this is cool and not gift-grabby.
Personally I don't think "the first was a girl and this one's a boy" is an excuse for a full out shower for #2. I think it's on you to try to get neutral equipment (e.g. not a pink stroller / car seat) the first time around if you were planning on having more than one child. Yes, there is the issue of clothing, but people will probably give you gifts of clothing sporadically even without an official shower, and lots of clothes can be reused across babies for a while, even girl-to-boy.
I did have a shower for my first, but it was only because my mother would have been totally heartbroken if I didn't, so I sucked it up. :-)
BFP #1 12/23/12 EDD 9/3/13 DD #1 8/26/13
BFP #2 2/25/16 EDD 11/5/16 MMC 4/15/16
BFP #3 8/31/16 EDD 5/12/17 It's a GIRL!
Honestly, I've heard people complain about people who throw their own baby showers or have a baby shower every time they have a child. I can see why it would bother some people, but hey to each their own.
Personally, I think its nice to celebrate a new baby, and I know some people call this a sprinkle, not a baby shower. The first time around you need more stuff since you have almost nothing. Sprinkles are on a smaller scale while still celebrating new baby and mommy.
Family and friends are already planning things around me, seeing as I'm a first time mom.
23 y/o;
[05/06/17]
First time mommy
90% of the way there
DS2 5/17
#3 Due 9/20
In terms of our desires, we said it MUST be co-ed in terms of guests of honor and invitees. The all-female baby showers piss me off to no end*, especially when the dad is not invited. What a way to start off the expectations of parenting in that family unit. We also said we didn't really want it to have a focus on presents. As it turned out, during the shower some guests really wanted us to open gifts (including the hostess--who yes, got us a gift even though she threw the shower!) So we announced that we were opening gifts but that no one was required to watch/participate. I liked that compromise because even though we would have preferred to not open the gifts at all (we consider this super boring at others' parties), we wanted to accommodate the people who were into that. People who wanted to continue talking and mingling were welcome to do so; the space was such that it was easy to do. There were also NO shower "games" or anything of the like, something that we were very happy about as well as the hostess. She would have done that if we had wanted to, but she is the type of person to consider games tacky.
FWIW, people gave us positive feedback about the shower...I think a lot of people don't like the typical shower format. They found this one fun and enjoyable.
*By the way I still happily attend these as a guest because I am always super excited to celebrate a new baby. But I could never accept a baby shower thrown on my behalf that my husband and other men were not invited to, unless it was just alumni of my sorority or something.
I threw a sprinkle for my sister's third daughter where everyone brought diapers, lotion, shampoo, etc. She loved it and it was low key. It was her rainbow baby, so we had a rainbow theme
Married 8/27/2011
BFP #1 9/28/2011 DS born 5/22/2012
BFP #2 4/24/2013 m/c 4/25/2013 at 4w
BFP #3 1/31/2014 DD born 10/14/2014
BFP #4 1/20/2016 m/c 2/12/2014 at 7w2d
BFP #5 8/19/2016 DS2 born 4/29/2017
BFP #6 3/7/2018 EDD 11/18/2018
@luckywife10 - My very best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and talked about the idea of a double shower. It was ultimately the physical distance between us that kept us from doing it. Far from feeling like it would make my shower less special, I would have been OVERJOYED to share that time with her. The only 'questionable' thing someone mentioned to me was... what if you invite someone that only knows one of you, will they feel like they have to get a gift for both? I said, surely not! If I were invited to something like that, it would never occur to me to buy a gift for someone I didn't know. If you were worried about that, you might find a cutesy way to clear it up on the invite.
I think it’s really dependent on your circle of friends or family. In my family, it’s actually more common than not to have showers for every child in my family (I’ve attended showers for 4th kids and had/heard no complaints). However, usually only close family and friends are invited after the first and it’s never hosted by the mother-to-be. I should mention, also, that my family is super into getting together. There are a lot of us and if there are no events to celebrate, we’ll sometimes just do giant family dinners to see everyone. I think I’m in the minority, but I’ve never thought of showers as events held in order to get gifts, but as events to celebrate and get together. That said, I would never invite friends or family that might think otherwise or get offended. So I think it’s really read your crowd and do what feels right to you.
@luckywife10 I honestly would never ask a mother-to-be to have a joint shower for their first if I was hosting unless the mothers were the ones suggesting it first. I think it takes away from celebrating each individual baby. Again, though, I’m coming from a family that celebrates everything. To what @emilyalso said about bringing gifts – I actually would feel obligated to bring a gift for the baby I didn’t know. I probably would just get a cute/cheap onesie, but I definitely would feel like it would be weird not to.
Also, I agree with @kat81 in co-ed showers. My husband was excited about our shower and wanted to be there/celebrate the baby too.
ETA I'm sure people disagree with me, but I actually don't like when people put on their invites that they only want diapers or such. I get that it’s done because they’re usually for subsequent kids and they want to say that they don’t really need anything, but I feel like that assumes that people are going to give you something and you’re kind of dictating what it is that they’re allowed to give you. I’d rather just let it be known verbally that I don’t need anything/only need whatever if someone asks.
Now if it is a boy, it would be fun to have a sprinkle. It would be the first grandson (4 girls on each side of parents/ inlaws) however I would not suggest.
i agree every baby should be celebrated but a shower should not be the only way to celebrate. DD #2 we did a larger gender reveal and family baby pool to guess when she would come.
I just feel at some point people need to buy their own stuff! In my experience, family and friends are going to celebrate your new baby anyway, so do you really need another shower to do so? When my DD was born, we got so many presents from family and friends that it looked like I had another baby shower. I just kept piling everything in our dining room because I didn't have the energy to put everything away, and it seriously looked like I had a second shower. I was completely overwhelmed with how generous people were, considering she was my first and I did have a baby shower for her and everyone had already gotten us a gift.
I was once invited to a "sprinkle" for a friend's second baby. She registered for it and it left a bad taste in my mouth. She registered for things like diapers, diaper rash cream, nipple cream, etc. I'm sorry, but do you really need to ask your family and friends to buy your nipple cream for you?! Buy it yourself!!!
ETA: We are able to afford everything thing the baby needs, but per family request we register so they know what we like or what we need. If we end up having a shower, SO and I will likely by the big ticket items(I.e. Crib, strolller, Tula, car seat) we register for small things like clothes, little gadgets, toys, blankets and even though most people don't buy off the registry it's still there just in case.
I like the idea of doing a different type of celebration like a gender reveal or something else where the expectation is not to buy a gift. I agree that those closest to you will likely buy you gifts regardless of a shower, so I find it unnecessary. But that's just my two cents.
In the even that a shower is thrown for me/us, I think that perhaps I won't even register, because I really don't need big/specific items other than a double stroller which we will buy ourselves
1/7/2015 Twins born @ 34 weeks