Contemplating divorce.

milozmommy · September 2016

So me and my husband have an 8 month old son together and are expecting twins In january. I really don't know how to start off with this post. I'll just start off with I'm really tired of DH'S shit. I know he works his but off and comes home and wants to kick off his shoes drink his beer and relax. Which he does right when he comes home. He has probably only changed 3 diapers since my son was born. He doesn't watch him so I can nap or shower and it's very rare when he does. He can watch me in pain and tired or crying and still won't really budge off his ass and if he does, he does it with an attitude and just to shut me up. He doesn't like to buy me things I need. I need new bras and underwear and some maternity clothes but he gets upset and complains everytime he spends money on me. I'm glad he doesn't complain about spending money on our son. I'm very thankful but sometimes I just need a little something. He also never wants to take me and son out to do stuff. We are lucky if we go to target or the swapmeet. I see the things my brother does for his fiancé. He takes her to do stuff, books hotels and does this all on his own. Also my husband can be an asshole to me. Call me names, tells me hates me. Jokes around and calls me a bitch. I'm just so sick of it. I don't want to end my marriage but he's hanging on the last string. If he's of no help with my 2 new sons. I seriously think I should just leave but I'm also scared that he will get so depressed, quit his job and become an addict or alcoholic. He has that personality type. And has turned to this before he was ever with me. I don't want my kids to think their mother never tried. I'm just so stuck and don't know what to do? What would you moms do? Is this normal? Do your husband's help?

susykat77 · September 2016

I would seek professional counseling. I am sorry you are going through this. I would not put up with being called names or being told that I was hated.

emy730 · September 2016

Well, to answer your question, no this is not normal behavior. Did this only start after your son was born, or was he always this way?

If it were me, I'd probably have already left. He sounds like he's checked out, and he only cares about himself. Sorry if that's harsh, but people who don't want to change never will.

It sounds like you'd be much better off without him in your life. Good luck to you!

ashanne88 · September 2016

Agree. Definitely seek couples counseling. Make it clear to him that your marriage is on the rocks and this is an integral step in getting it back on track for you. I am so sorry. I would not tolerate being called names, whether in jest or not, and getting zero support/help with the kids. Working is not an excuse to do nothing around the house or help with the kids (I say this as a working parent who is currently working 6-7 days a week, sometimes 10+ hours a day. DH is home with our DS on the weekend I would never expect to just kick back and do nothing when I get home.) Also, if you do decide to leave remember that his actions after are not your responsibility. If he decides to quit his job and turn to drugs and alcohol it is not your fault. You can't let his potentially bad decisions dictate your or your children's lives.

therealfrizzle · September 2016

I second seeking marriage counseling, even if he doesn't want to go. It would be good for you to see someone who is licensed to give advice, if only for a peace of mind with whatever you decide. I cannot advise you in either direction, but, should you choose divorce, please, please do not blame yourself for how he reacts. If he already had an addictive personality before you married, then his response is not because of your decisions. And if he threatens you with the possibility of addictions or alcoholism to try to keep you to stay, it should only solidify the decision to leave.

Carly79 · September 2016

My advice is to seek some counseling. If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, than I suggest finding something for yourself. You will need support regardless of what you decide and an unbiased professional can help you work through your emotions. Deciding on divorce is not easy but you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids. And please, do not blame yourself for his actions. You can't be held hostage in a unfulfilling relationship because you are worried about what he's going to do. A counselor may also be able to assist you with those feelings if you opt to go through a divorce and how to cope with his actions. I'm sorry you are going through this but applaud you for recognizing that it's not working and looking for advice. You are strong and can handle it, please just take care of you and your babies.

cjs260 · September 2016

+1 for counseling. I wouldn't expect him to change with your two new sons, but if you think that he deserves a chance, give it to him. As for the depression, addiction, etc... if you're staying in because of threats he has made or even just because you think he might fall to these things, that's a form of mental abuse. The only person you can control is you, and the only person he can control is him.

BriannaE129129 · September 2016

I'm so sorry, that must be really hard, especially with the added emotions during pregnancy. I second everyone above and I'd look into counseling before your twins are born and life becomes even more hard for you. Thinking of you!

therealfrizzle · September 2016

Are you able to drive yourself? I notice that you said something about DH taking you out to do things. My mom left my dad when I was 14 and she didn't have a license or the ability to drive. It was very hard for her to come to the decision to leave and part of it was because she had no clue how we would be able to do anything and was very embarrassed about having to rely on others to help before she left, during the time of leaving, and afterwards. But there were so many people from her work, our church, and other areas of our lives who stepped up and helped out. It's tough to seek help from those who may know your DH or judge your situation, but there are people in your life who can help you and would do so gladly. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need to.

milozmommy · September 2016

@PMForbie No and I'm already 22. It's extremely emberessing. I just got my permit so I'm barley learning. Getting my license before the twins come. It's extremely annoying for my husband to drive me around places. So I can see his frustration having to drive his grown wife everywhere. I know that my mother is willing to help me as much as possible even though she has a 4 year old. I don't like to bug her too much. She's already constantly stressed. But if worst case scenario, she would never let me and son on streets.

I really don't know how to talk to my husband. I really just let him step all over me because I'm too afraid to yell or anything because he gets angry, calls me names, slams doors and throws things. There is no communication. I just let him say anything and take the emotional punches so that my son doesn't see me upset. But I cry alone. I'm going to try counseling in hopes that my husband we'll give it a try. I'm hoping that he's just a late bloomer and has not matured all the way.

milozmommy · September 2016

@emy730
He wasn't always exactly like this but he did get worse. I believe it's my fault because I let it get this far. I should have put my foot down sooner and kept it down.

ceclarlinetlo · September 2016

@milozmommy - I didn't get a drivers license until I was 23 so you're going to beat me

I am glad you are going to try counseling - even if your DH won't go it will help you to go alone - you don't deserve to be abused no one does. I'm sure your mother would definitely help you out regardless of her struggles - wouldn't you do the same for your kids? Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

emy730 · September 2016

milozmommy said:

@emy730
He wasn't always exactly like this but he did get worse. I believe it's my fault because I let it get this far. I should have put my foot down sooner and kept it down.

No, it is NOT your fault! He's a grown man, with a family and responsibilities. He chooses to act that way.

I hope you are able to find a situation that allows you to be happy and not under emotional abuse.

AlicjaB · September 2016

It's a tough situation and it's terrible for you to go through it feeling alone. I'm with everyone saying to speak to a counselor or someone experienced about it. Wish I could give better advice than that. Maybe he just doesn't realize how this is all effecting you? You say you just take it and let him step all over you, maybe he doesn't know what it's actually doing.

Does he tend to act this way mostly when he drinks? Maybe he gets upset driving you places because he would rather be at home drinking? I don't know it's not really my place to say, I just always explore all possibilities and talking with a counselor will only help. Can't get any worse.

If you feel like you can't talk to him because he shuts you down, write a letter. That way you can get your feelings across without being yelled at or interrupted. Maybe see your side and hopefully agree to go to counseling with you.

Good luck @milozmommy I hope everything works out for the better

milozmommy · September 2016

Thank you everyone for all the advice. It means a lot to me. I have a little update. I tried to speak to him like an adult. By the look in his eyes. He seemed a lil too buzzed. He said I was being a fucking asshole. Then I told him. That is exactly why I want to leave because you have no respect for me. He then denies 5 seconds later that he called me and asshole. He bragged about how he does everything for me and that I'm just never happy. Now he's just in here laying down. I'm about ready to just pack my bags and go.

Sorry for all the missed punctuation. I'm just upset right now.

BumpasaurusRex · September 2016

::lurker from F'17::

Run, don't walk, from this guy.

From what you've described, he is not a man. He is an abuser, mentally and emotionally. Even if you prevent fights so your son can't see you hurting, he will see and hear how your husband treats you and will grow up thinking it's normal
and acceptable.

It's not. Get your ducks in a row and leave. If he wants to go to counseling for himself, great! It doesn't mean you have to sit around and wait for him to do so and work on himself. He has to prove himself to you, your son, and your unborn children.

therealfrizzle · September 2016

My mom was 45 before she got her license. I was old enough to get a learner's permit when she finally had a license, so do not feel embarrassed that you're only 22 with a learner's. My dad would do the same stuff to my mom. He'd make taking us places into a huge ordeal, tell us he's not our taxi, and fight with my mom constantly, but he was the reason she could never get a license. He always added extra expenses to the household so that they couldn't afford the extra insurance or a 2nd car. He was also abusive, physically & emotionally (he never physically hurt me & my brother, but he did stuff to my mom in front of us). It came down to, did my mom really want to have us growing up with him as our role model for a man? Could she keep taking his abuse and still keep a positive environment? There's a lot of questions to think over and talk about with someone who is licensed to help guide you to your ultimate decision. Maybe taking a few nights away will help clear your head, DH's head, or both so you can start a conversation fresh and hopefully as adults.

cabu14 · September 2016

@milozmommy I am so sorry you are in this situation

You are not to blame for his actions now or how he reacts after, if you leave. I can tell you he probably won't change - but I totally think counseling is the place to start, because if he is going to change you will see it through counseling. I think you need to think about what is best for you and for all of your children. They are young enough that if you leave, they will not know any different in years to come.

I don't know where you are from, but I suggest you look into the women's help lines in your area. They can help you figure out exactly what your rights are and the right avenues to go down when/if you decide to leave. Good help centers will give you an advocate to help you a long the way.

azwildcat62 · September 2016

@milozmommy I am sending you kind thoughts and hope you can navigate this challenge the best way possible for you and your babies. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

canavara · September 2016

This sounds like a very scary emotionally abusive situation. Have you shared with your family (your brother, parents, etc) the situation? For the sake of your 8 month old and your soon-to-be twins, you need to get away. Maybe you'll be able to rectify the situation at a later time, but if this behavior continues and your sons grow older and see this kind of abusive behavior, this will become their understanding of what's normal and I'm sure that's not what you want for them.

ETA: Seconding what @cabu14 said. There are a lot of really great non-profit organizations out there that help women in abusive situations and they are more than sympathetic to mothers, from providing temporary shelter to counseling. I volunteer for one in my city and we see so many pregnant women in particular who come, just wanting a better life for their children--in most cases, they're able to be helped and get a fresh start, happy and away from their abusers.

Shawlls · September 2016

I am so sorry you are living this nightmare. Leave immediately; this is absolutely not ok (everything from the way he speaks to you, to your lack of freedom, and his alcohol abuse). You can do this.

Foersty · September 2016

I'm lurking from M'17. I agree with @canavara - what you're describing is verbal/emotional abuse and intimidation. I work at at domestic violence organization, and there are so many resources out there that can help if you decide that is what you want/need. They can help with things like temporary shelter, transitional housing programs, support groups, counseling, legal advocacy, and just generally establishing your independence. I'm not sure where you live, but here is a hotline that you can use if you want to get in touch with your local DV agency to see what services they offer and explore it as an option 1−800−799−7233. They can also safety plan with you, whether you decide to leave or just in case you need to leave in the future, because the most dangerous time is when you are trying to leave.

gigantan · September 2016

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, though what you describe is emotional and verbal abuse. Please help break the pattern by protecting you and your children. I hope you find the strength to seek help for you.

johnnydro · September 2016

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Speaking as a Husband and Father to be I can't imagine treating my wife like you are being treated. I would highly recommend trying counseling, talking to him and if that does not work, definitely find an attorney and begin divorce proceedings. Most men are very thick headed and its only until they see that you are not playing around or the fear of losing you they will straighten up. Please prepare a safety plan so that you can take your children and leave if he gets worse.

Sending good vibes.

John

Carly79 · September 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this. The more you describe the more I would suggest finding a local women's shelter/help line to assist. While you may not need the shelter they would be able to assist you with getting your ducks in a row, transportation, and needs while you get back on your feet. They'd help you find a counselor for you. Also, I don't know if your community has a Young Parents Network or if that's a local organization here. But they assist parents up to age 27 with all things pregnancy and parenting. They assist with transportation to appointments and meetings, offer counseling and group sessions, and for different things you participate in you qualify to shop in their shop that has diapers, clothes, etc. Definitely something to check out. Thoughts and prayers for you and your 3 little one's. I'm glad your mom is around for support and that you are reaching out. Keep us updated.

milozmommy · September 2016

@canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude.

I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it

BumpasaurusRex · September 2016

milozmommy said:

@canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude. I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it

The bolded makes me sad. You do not have to live your life this way. You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel what you feel and be able to express it without worry of his reactions.

I'm glad you're taking the steps to seek counseling and I hope you go even if he resists. If anything, it will help give you perspective, guidance, and the strength to do what is best for you and your children.

TexasGal24 · September 2016

3 things:

1. No, he is not displaying "normal" behavior. The environment sounds very dysfunctional.

2. I'm glad you set up counseling. I really hope that it is a successful solution.

3. You are NOT responsible for another person's reactions or choices. You cannot control how they will respond nor should you have to. If he chooses to quit his job because you leave him, that's his choice. If he wants to tear his own life apart if you leave him, let him. Living with mental, physical, or psychological abuse is dangerous for you and dangerous for your children. The only thing you can control is your reactions and your choices. CHOOSE a better life for your family and choose it NOW. Great job setting up your counseling meeting, you've just taken your first step.

emy730 · September 2016

milozmommy said:

@canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude. I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it

Oh sweetie, no, it's not your fault. He makes a conscious decision to treat you the way he does, even if he thinks it's normal behavior. You do NOT deserve be treated like that, and your children deserve to see you happy. You yourself deserve to be happy as well. Please, please remember that!

I second the idea to look into women's shelters or help lines in your area. I used to volunteer at one here that was amazing for women who were pregnant and also had other children. They provided them with a place to live, transportation and helped them find employment. If you want to PM me, I would be happy to help you find something in your area if I can.

moosette113 · September 2016

You've gotten some really excellent advice so far, and it's great that you made the marriage counseling appointment. Like PPs have suggested, I want to reiterate looking into individual counseling as well.

*Big hugs* Everyone here is rooting for you and your children!

MandiB07 · September 2016

Carly79 said:

My advice is to seek some counseling. If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, than I suggest finding something for yourself. You will need support regardless of what you decide and an unbiased professional can help you work through your emotions. Deciding on divorce is not easy but you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids. And please, do not blame yourself for his actions. You can't be held hostage in a unfulfilling relationship because you are worried about what he's going to do. A counselor may also be able to assist you with those feelings if you opt to go through a divorce and how to cope with his actions. I'm sorry you are going through this but applaud you for recognizing that it's not working and looking for advice. You are strong and can handle it, please just take care of you and your babies.

I completely agree with this! Also, not saying this would happen to you at all, but that is how my friend found herself in an abusive marriage. It started off with his control and attitude toward money since she was a stay at home mom. Then it turned into verbal abuse like calling her names (stupid, idiot, and etc.). After years, it turned into physical abuse. I'm glad that you see the warning signs. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

sherrera92 · September 2016

You will always be better off single than with with a toxic guy. Counseling can aide with empowerment and that what you need. You are a tough momma and can and will get through this!

canavara · September 2016

MandiB07 said:

Carly79 said:

My advice is to seek some counseling. If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, than I suggest finding something for yourself. You will need support regardless of what you decide and an unbiased professional can help you work through your emotions. Deciding on divorce is not easy but you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids. And please, do not blame yourself for his actions. You can't be held hostage in a unfulfilling relationship because you are worried about what he's going to do. A counselor may also be able to assist you with those feelings if you opt to go through a divorce and how to cope with his actions. I'm sorry you are going through this but applaud you for recognizing that it's not working and looking for advice. You are strong and can handle it, please just take care of you and your babies.

I completely agree with this! Also, not saying this would happen to you at all, but that is how my friend found herself in an abusive marriage. It started off with his control and attitude toward money since she was a stay at home mom. Then it turned into verbal abuse like calling her names (stupid, idiot, and etc.). After years, it turned into physical abuse. I'm glad that you see the warning signs. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This was my concern as well. Many physically abusive relationships and domestic violence scenarios slowly escalate from verbal and emotional abuse and can very easily catch the victim off-guard. All it takes is that one time where they're especially angry for things to change and from there, it's much more unlikely you will ever have a healthy relationship. This is the time to take things very seriously and get help while you are still in control.

milozmommy · September 2016

@canavara. Yes I believe it maybe slowly escalating. Yesterday I beg my husband to take me to Forever 21 so I can use my gift cards because we are going to a wedding tomorrow in Vegas and I needed an outfit. As I was in Forever 21 I come back and he is a bit drunk. He was drinking in the parking lot. I was silent and didn't say anything and then I began to lose it and I had a nervous breakdown. I lost control of myself. He got very mad and he started to drive on the other side of the road speeding as if he were going to crash into something. I began to cry some more begging him to stop. We finally got home and we didn't talk for a while. I just wanted to come home to my son. Thank God he was not in the car my mother-in-law watched him. So I had to come back like nothing had even happened. Then the next morning at 4 a.m. he wakes me up and tells me he cannot find his wallet and that I had it last. I have not even touched his wallet. But I decided to help him find it anyways because he needed it to drive to work. I was looking in his pants and I looked in the bathroom as he was already in his truck. I began to look in his truck and he told me to get out and close the f****** door. So I did. And as I was walking behind his truck he drove back as if he wanted to hit me with his truck. And he did hit my arm but I moved out of the way. I don't know if he did it on purpose or if he was just mad. He saw that he hit me and he was waiting me to get out of the way and once I got out of the way he just drove off. He didn't say sorry

Wholesome · September 2016

You've reached the territory where you need to start documenting everything and keeping that information in a safe place where he can't find it. If you get to the place where divorce is happening, you will need historical information to supply in case he tries to get sole custody of your kids or tries to make you look unfit to be a full time mother. This can't be just a general list of wrongs but a list of specific dates, times, places, words, specific actions.

make sure you keep it safe. If he finds this information, there is no telling how he will react.

if you decide to follow through with pursuing a divorce, write yourself a letter. In this letter, tell yourself the reasons why you are getting a divorce, how his actions impact you, how you feel you and your kids future will be affected by his behavior if you continued to stay with him, and remind yourself that you are capable of overcoming all this and don't need to go back to him. If he is the type to try to manipulate you, you may need to read this occasionally so you stay strong.

the safety of you, your son and your unborn baby are your priority now. If you do decide to take the first step and pursue getting a divorce, the first thing you need to do is reach out to your family for help. Make sure they know you aren't just venting and looking for consolation or pity. Make sure they know you are ready to take action because you don't feel safe anymore. They will need to understand specifics and why they need to help protect you during this time.

TaraGoldenCO · September 2016

You deserve better, don't ever forget that.

raquel87 · September 2016

I am really sorry you are going through this. While reading your post the only things that come to my mind is that you need to get out of there. If not for yourself then for your boys. Putting you and your unborn children in danger while driving intoxicated would be the very last straw to me. If he does that now to you there is only a matter of time it reaches your boys.
I was in a toxic relationship in my early 20's we had 2 boys together. I stayed longer than I should because I didn't want my kids to grow up from a broken home. It wasn't until my dad sat me down and told me "it is better for the boys to grow up coming from a broken home than living in a broken home". This was exactly what I needed to hear and I have not for one moment regretted my decision.
You and your boys will be in my prayers, I hope you realize that you are worth it and your boys are worth it. You deserve better!

emy730 · September 2016

I agree with what @wholesome said, but I think you need to be leaning more toward divorce at this point. He sounds like someone who has no intentions to change, and it sounds as though he's getting progressively worse. You deserve better and so do your children. You are absolutely worth it, so please don't let him make you feel like you aren't.

Carly79 · September 2016

The more you've shared the more it sounds as though this is truly an abusive relationship (mentally and emotionally now, but slowly progressing to physical) and you need to get out. Definitely seek resources in your area and as a pp mentioned have that conversation with your family that you need their support. You deserve better and to be happy as do your children. Document the crap out of things and remember that you are strong and worth it.

cabu14 · October 2016

I agree with every word @wholesome wrote.

I hope you are able to find the courage and feel the self worth soon. You and your children deserve more than this and I pray for you to find your way out.

themuffinman16 · October 2016

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My sister is going through the something similar. When a relationship starts becoming abusive, it is so subtle, it's hard to even notice it. Instead of looking at their behavior, you start wondering what you did wrong. You are very brave for taking stock in this situation and realizing it can't continue. I'm sending you healing thoughts and strength for the days ahead, as this is not an easy road to travel. Be careful and make sure you have a support system to ensure your safety. Don't feel bad about putting any sort of strain on your friends or family. That's why friends and family exist. Your loved ones will do anything to make sure you and your children are safe. Take care

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