January 2017 Moms

Contemplating divorce.

So me and my husband have an 8 month old son together and are expecting twins In january. I really don't know how to start off with this post. I'll just start off with I'm really tired of DH'S shit. I know he works his but off and comes home and wants to kick off his shoes drink his beer and relax. Which he does right when he comes home. He has probably only changed 3 diapers since my son was born. He doesn't watch him so I can nap or shower and it's very rare when he does. He can watch me in pain and tired or crying and still won't really budge off his ass and if he does, he does it with an attitude and just to shut me up. He doesn't like to buy me things I need. I need new bras and underwear and some maternity clothes but he gets upset and complains everytime he spends money on me. I'm glad he doesn't complain about spending money on our son. I'm very thankful but sometimes I just need a little something. He also never wants to take me and son out to do stuff. We are lucky if we go to target or the swapmeet. I see the things my brother does for his fiancé. He takes her to do stuff, books hotels and does this all on his own. Also my husband can be an asshole to me. Call me names, tells me hates me. Jokes around and calls me a bitch. I'm just so sick of it. I don't want to end my marriage but he's hanging on the last string. If he's of no help with my 2 new sons. I seriously think I should just leave but I'm also scared that he will get so depressed, quit his job and become an addict or alcoholic. He has that personality type. And has turned to this before he was ever with me. I don't want my kids to think their mother never tried. I'm just so stuck and don't know what to do? What would you moms do? Is this normal? Do your husband's help?
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Re: Contemplating divorce.

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  • I second seeking marriage counseling, even if he doesn't want to go. It would be good for you to see someone who is licensed to give advice, if only for a peace of mind with whatever you decide. I cannot advise you in either direction, but, should you choose divorce, please, please do not blame yourself for how he reacts. If he already had an addictive personality before you married, then his response is not because of your decisions. And if he threatens you with the possibility of addictions or alcoholism to try to keep you to stay, it should only solidify the decision to leave.

    Me: 29 DH: 35 Married: 1/10/15

    1st Pregnancy EDD: 1/1/17 Born 1/10/17 Team Green turned Blue!

    Children are like casseroles; it takes a lot to mess them up.

    karaelaine1991LastMangoMrsRahlmoosette113
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  • My advice is to seek some counseling. If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, than I suggest finding something for yourself. You will need support regardless of what you decide and an unbiased professional can help you work through your emotions. Deciding on divorce is not easy but you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids. And please, do not blame yourself for his actions. You can't be held hostage in a unfulfilling relationship because you are worried about what he's going to do. A counselor may also be able to assist you with those feelings if you opt to go through a divorce and how to cope with his actions. I'm sorry you are going through this but applaud you for recognizing that it's not working and looking for advice. You are strong and can handle it, please just take care of you and your babies.

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    karaelaine1991LastMangocabu14moosette113
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  • I'm so sorry, that must be really hard, especially with the added emotions during pregnancy. I second everyone above and I'd look into counseling before your twins are born and life becomes even more hard for you. Thinking of you! 
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  • PMForbiePMForbie member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2016
    Are you able to drive yourself? I notice that you said something about DH taking you out to do things. My mom left my dad when I was 14 and she didn't have a license or the ability to drive. It was very hard for her to come to the decision to leave and part of it was because she had no clue how we would be able to do anything and was very embarrassed about having to rely on others to help before she left, during the time of leaving, and afterwards. But there were so many people from her work, our church, and other areas of our lives who stepped up and helped out. It's tough to seek help from those who may know your DH or judge your situation, but there are people in your life who can help you and would do so gladly. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need to.

    Me: 29 DH: 35 Married: 1/10/15

    1st Pregnancy EDD: 1/1/17 Born 1/10/17 Team Green turned Blue!

    Children are like casseroles; it takes a lot to mess them up.

    MrsRahlmilozmommy
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  • @PMForbie No and I'm already 22. It's extremely emberessing. I just got my permit so I'm barley learning. Getting my license before the twins come. It's extremely annoying for my husband to drive me around places. So I can see his frustration having to drive his grown wife everywhere. I know that my mother is willing to help me as much as possible even though she has a 4 year old. I don't like to bug her too much. She's already constantly stressed. But if worst case scenario, she would never let me and son on streets.

    I really don't know how to talk to my husband. I really just let him step all over me because I'm too afraid to yell or anything because he gets angry, calls me names, slams doors and throws things. There is no communication. I just let him say anything and take the emotional punches so that my son doesn't see me upset. But I cry alone. I'm going to try counseling in hopes that my husband we'll give it a try. I'm hoping that he's just a late bloomer and has not matured all the way.
  • @emy730
    He wasn't always exactly like this but he did get worse.  I believe it's my fault because I let it get this far. I should have put my foot down sooner and kept it down.
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  • @milozmommy - I didn't get a drivers license until I was 23 so you're going to beat me :) 

    I am glad you are going to try counseling - even if your DH won't go it will help you to go alone - you don't deserve to be abused no one does. I'm sure your mother would definitely help you out regardless of her struggles - wouldn't you do the same for your kids? Please keep us updated on how you are doing. 
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  • It's a tough situation and it's terrible for you to go through it feeling alone. I'm with everyone saying to speak to a counselor or someone experienced about it. Wish I could give better advice than that. Maybe he just doesn't realize how this is all effecting you? You say you just take it and let him step all over you, maybe he doesn't know what it's actually doing. 

    Does he tend to act this way mostly when he drinks? Maybe he gets upset driving you places because he would rather be at home drinking? I don't know it's not really my place to say, I just always explore all possibilities and talking with a counselor will only help. Can't get any worse. 

    If you feel like you can't talk to him because he shuts you down, write a letter. That way you can get your feelings across without being yelled at or interrupted. Maybe see your side and hopefully agree to go to counseling with you.

    Good luck @milozmommy I hope everything works out for the better 

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  • milozmommymilozmommy member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited September 2016
    Thank you everyone for all the advice. It means a lot to me. I have a little update.  I tried to speak to him like an adult. By the look in his eyes. He seemed a lil too buzzed. He said I was being a fucking asshole. Then I told him. That is exactly why I want to leave because you have no respect for me. He then denies 5 seconds later that he called me and asshole. He bragged about how he does everything for me and that I'm just never happy. Now he's just in here laying down. I'm about ready to just pack my bags and go.

    Sorry for all the missed punctuation. I'm just upset right now.
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  • My mom was 45 before she got her license. I was old enough to get a learner's permit when she finally had a license, so do not feel embarrassed that you're only 22 with a learner's. My dad would do the same stuff to my mom. He'd make taking us places into a huge ordeal, tell us he's not our taxi, and fight with my mom constantly, but he was the reason she could never get a license. He always added extra expenses to the household so that they couldn't afford the extra insurance or a 2nd car. He was also abusive, physically & emotionally (he never physically hurt me & my brother, but he did stuff to my mom in front of us). It came down to, did my mom really want to have us growing up with him as our role model for a man? Could she keep taking his abuse and still keep a positive environment?  There's a lot of questions to think over and talk about with someone who is licensed to help guide you to your ultimate decision. Maybe taking a few nights away will help clear your head, DH's head, or both so you can start a conversation fresh and hopefully as adults.

    Me: 29 DH: 35 Married: 1/10/15

    1st Pregnancy EDD: 1/1/17 Born 1/10/17 Team Green turned Blue!

    Children are like casseroles; it takes a lot to mess them up.

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  • @milozmommy  I am so sorry you are in this situation :(  You are not to blame for his actions now or how he reacts after, if you leave.   I can tell you he probably won't change - but I totally think counseling is the place to start, because if he is going to change you will see it through counseling.  I think you need to think about what is best for you and for all of your children.  They are young enough that if you leave, they will not know any different in years to come.  

    I don't know where you are from, but I suggest you look into the women's help lines in your area.  They can help you figure out exactly what your rights are and the right avenues to go down when/if you decide to leave.  Good help centers will give you an advocate to help you a long the way. 

    Me: 30 | Husband: 31
    Married: September 2014!
    TTC #1: January 2016
    BFP 5/16/16 - EDD 1/25/17!
    Quinn born 1/27/17  :)

    loveinakLastMangoThe_A_Teamaskerrysmile
  • @milozmommy I am sending you kind thoughts and hope you can navigate this challenge the best way possible for you and your babies.  You don't deserve to be treated this way.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • I am so sorry you are living this nightmare. Leave immediately; this is absolutely not ok (everything from the way he speaks to you, to your lack of freedom, and his alcohol abuse). You can do this.
    ElleMF728
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  • I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, though what you describe is emotional and verbal abuse. Please help break the pattern by protecting you and your children. I hope you find the strength to seek help for you. 
    And then there were three...


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  • I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Speaking as a Husband and Father to be I can't imagine treating my wife like you are being treated.  I would highly recommend trying counseling, talking to him and if that does not work, definitely find an attorney and begin divorce proceedings.  Most men are very thick headed and its only until they see that you are not playing around or the fear of losing you they will straighten up. Please prepare a safety plan so that you can take your children and leave if he gets worse.

    Sending good vibes.

    John 
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  • I'm sorry you are going through this. The more you describe the more I would suggest finding a local women's shelter/help line to assist. While you may not need the shelter they would be able to assist you with getting your ducks in a row, transportation, and needs while you get back on your feet. They'd help you find a counselor for you. Also, I don't know if your community has a Young Parents Network or if that's a local organization here. But they assist parents up to age 27 with all things pregnancy and parenting. They assist with transportation to appointments and meetings, offer counseling and group sessions, and for different things you participate in you qualify to shop in their shop that has diapers, clothes, etc. Definitely something to check out. Thoughts and prayers for you and your 3 little one's. I'm glad your mom is around for support and that you are reaching out. Keep us updated.

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  • @canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude. :( I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

    And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but  seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it
  • @canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude. :( I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

    And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but  seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it
    The bolded makes me sad.  You do not have to live your life this way.  You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel what you feel and be able to express it without worry of his reactions.

    I'm glad you're taking the steps to seek counseling and I hope you go even if he resists.  If anything, it will help give you perspective, guidance, and the strength to do what is best for you and your children.



    Big Bro 7/14/13
    Little Bro due 2/6/17

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    LastMangoFoersty kelseyh62
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  • 3 things:

    1. No, he is not displaying "normal" behavior. The environment sounds very dysfunctional. 

    2. I'm glad you set up counseling. I really hope that it is a successful solution.

    3. You are NOT responsible for another person's reactions or choices. You cannot control how they will respond nor should you have to. If he chooses to quit his job because you leave him, that's his choice. If he wants to tear his own life apart if you leave him, let him. Living with mental, physical, or psychological abuse is dangerous for you and dangerous for your children. The only thing you can control is your reactions and your choices. CHOOSE a better life for your family and choose it NOW. Great job setting up your counseling meeting, you've just taken your first step. <3 


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  • @canavara yes I tell my family. I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom will vent with me and say "what a jerk" or "stop telling me, it's getting me mad" or I'll call my dad and tell him. He just pretty much tells me to bite the bullet and that it's my fault I got myself into this mess. Which is true. They don't really say much because this kind of behavior is probably normal to my dysfunctional family. Or maybe they don't say anything because they don't want to be rude. :( I wish my dad would say something to DH but he's just as messed up as him and gas his own family and other kids to worry about.

    And to everyone else. I made an appointment for marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's not one on one right away we have to do orientation and be with group first for a month. I hope that my husband will go through with it. He gets really bad social anxiety. Hope it all works out and thank you everybody so much. It means so much to me. I really thought that I was over exaggerating but  seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realize how bad it is. I think I just pretty much numb myself everyday and keep telling myself it's not a big deal. Just ignore it
    Oh sweetie, no, it's not your fault. He makes a conscious decision to treat you the way he does, even if he thinks it's normal behavior. You do NOT deserve be treated like that, and your children deserve to see you happy. You yourself deserve to be happy as well. Please, please remember that!

    I second the idea to look into women's shelters or help lines in your area. I used to volunteer at one here that was amazing for women who were pregnant and also had other children. They provided them with a place to live, transportation and helped them find employment. If you want to PM me, I would be happy to help you find something in your area if I can. 
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    canavarasusykat77Foersty The_A_Team
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  • You've gotten some really excellent advice so far, and it's great that you made the marriage counseling appointment. Like PPs have suggested, I want to reiterate looking into individual counseling as well.

    *Big hugs* Everyone here is rooting for you and your children!
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  • MandiB07MandiB07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2016
    Carly79 said:

    My advice is to seek some counseling. If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, than I suggest finding something for yourself. You will need support regardless of what you decide and an unbiased professional can help you work through your emotions. Deciding on divorce is not easy but you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids. And please, do not blame yourself for his actions. You can't be held hostage in a unfulfilling relationship because you are worried about what he's going to do. A counselor may also be able to assist you with those feelings if you opt to go through a divorce and how to cope with his actions. I'm sorry you are going through this but applaud you for recognizing that it's not working and looking for advice. You are strong and can handle it, please just take care of you and your babies.

    I completely agree with this!  Also, not saying this would happen to you at all, but that is how my friend found herself in an abusive marriage.  It started off with his control and attitude toward money since she was a stay at home mom.  Then it turned into verbal abuse like calling her names (stupid, idiot, and etc.).  After years, it turned into physical abuse.  I'm glad that you see the warning signs.  Verbal abuse is still abuse.  
    Foersty
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  • You will always be better off single than with with a toxic guy. Counseling can aide with empowerment and that what you need. You are a tough momma and can and will get through this! :) 
    Carly79canavaraMylitta
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  • @canavara. Yes I believe it maybe slowly escalating. Yesterday I beg my husband to take me to Forever 21 so I can use my gift cards because we are going to a wedding tomorrow in Vegas and I needed an outfit. As I was in Forever 21 I come back and he is a bit drunk. He was drinking in the parking lot. I was silent and didn't say anything and then I began to lose it and I had a nervous breakdown. I lost control of myself. He got very mad and he started to drive on the other side of the road speeding as if he were going to crash into something. I began to cry some more begging him to stop. We finally got home and we didn't talk for a while. I just wanted to come home to my son. Thank God he was not in the car my mother-in-law watched him. So I had to come back like nothing had even happened. Then the next morning at 4 a.m. he wakes me up and tells me he cannot find his wallet and that I had it last. I have not even touched his wallet. But I decided to help him find it anyways because he needed it to drive to work. I was looking in his pants and I looked in the bathroom as he was already in his truck. I began to look in his truck and he told me to get out and close the f****** door. So I did. And as I was walking behind his truck he drove back as if he wanted to hit me with his truck. And he did hit my arm but I moved out of the way. I don't know if he did it on purpose or if he was just mad. He saw that he hit me and he was waiting me to get out of the way and once I got out of the way he just drove off. He didn't say sorry
    TinaBelcher
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  • You deserve better, don't ever forget that.
    themuffinman16
  • I am really sorry you are going through this. While reading your post the only things that come to my mind is that you need to get out of there. If not for yourself then for your boys. Putting you and your unborn children in danger while driving intoxicated would be the very last straw to me. If he does that now to you there is only a matter of time it reaches your boys.
    I was in a toxic relationship in my early 20's we had 2 boys together. I stayed longer than I should because I didn't want my kids to grow up from a broken home. It wasn't until my dad sat me down and told me "it is better for the boys to grow up coming from a broken home than living in a broken home". This was exactly what I needed to hear and I have not for one moment regretted my decision. 
    You and your boys will be in my prayers, I hope you realize that you are worth it and your boys are worth it. You deserve better! 
    kelseyh62
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  • I agree with what @wholesome said, but I think you need to be leaning more toward divorce at this point. He sounds like someone who has no intentions to change, and it sounds as though he's getting progressively worse. You deserve better and so do your children. You are absolutely worth it, so please don't let him make you feel like you aren't.
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    karaelaine1991
  • The more you've shared the more it sounds as though this is truly an abusive relationship (mentally and emotionally now, but slowly progressing to physical) and you need to get out. Definitely seek resources in your area and as a pp mentioned have that conversation with your family that you need their support. You deserve better and to be happy as do your children. Document the crap out of things and remember that you are strong and worth it.

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    canavaracabu14karaelaine1991
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  • I agree with every word @wholesome wrote.   

    I hope you are able to find the courage and feel the self worth soon. You and your children deserve more than this and I pray for you to find your way out. 

    Me: 30 | Husband: 31
    Married: September 2014!
    TTC #1: January 2016
    BFP 5/16/16 - EDD 1/25/17!
    Quinn born 1/27/17  :)

  • I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My sister is going through the something similar. When a relationship starts becoming abusive, it is so subtle, it's hard to even notice it.  Instead of looking at their behavior, you start wondering what you did wrong. You are very brave for taking stock in this situation and realizing it can't continue. I'm sending you healing thoughts and strength for the days ahead, as this is not an easy road to travel. Be careful and make sure you have a support system to ensure your safety. Don't feel bad about putting any sort of strain on your friends or family.  That's why friends and family exist. Your loved ones will do anything to make sure you and your children are safe. Take care <3
    kswiger06lindsladle15
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