hey guys- going through a rough time right now and just looking for support from those who unewest and. We lost a pregnancy due to genetic disease at four months... Just under a month ago. Weve been going to supprt group and its been really hard. I was just getting back into being productive at work and going to the gym- basically feeling more like myself. Anyway, my family just dropped a bomb on me. I just got a call from my sister in law telling me she's pregnant. We are literally supposed to see them for the first time since our loss in a few hours for the passover holiday at cousins with the whole family. They said they wanted to tell me before in case it came out that she wasn't drinking. They just found out this week.
I am having a really hard time- I texted my mom immediately and told her I won't be able to come. I didn't even know they were trying- as they had said they were waiting a while. I have been hysterical in bed for the last few hours. Apparently it was my moms idea for them to tell me bc she thought I was doing better. It hasn't even been one month. Everyone is calling and texting me and they feel terrible. I am not able to talk to anyone right now. I am allowed to feel my feelings. If anyone understandsnor can offer words of supprt if appreciate it. I'm happy for them but I can't talk to them or see them now.
Me:35, DH 37 ~ Married July 2014
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Re: Family issues
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
My loss was discovered at 11 weeks at the end of January. I had felt like I was finally beginning to feel more even--still sad, but a mix of good and bad days and moments--and then my dog got diagnosed with cancer, and everything collapsed on me. Even before the news about the dog, my mom seemed surprised that I was still sad about our baby a month after my d&c when we were visiting family.
I have only started talking to friends and family more. I avoided all phone calls at the beginning. Family is still a little strained, friends that I can be more open with and tell them what I need, I do better. I feel that if someone acknowledges my loss and my sadness, I can be more like myself--laugh at a joke, chat about frivolous things--but if it goes unsaid, I just retreat inside and grieve to myself.
This weekend has also been rough for me as my parents were hoping we would go to them for Passover (about 5 hours driving), but between the dog's treatments and all of my ups and downs (both physically and emotionally--including going to a christening last weekend out of town), I just really felt I needed to only focus on myself this weekend. Chag sameach, right?
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I don't know if this will help you at all or not, but I'll just put it out there. We had a situation where my SIL announced when we were trying. I thought about her personality and the timing and guessed that they had gotten pregnant as soon as they started trying (or close to it). Then it turned out they had not been trying (actively preventing)...didn't help that we were told that in a fairly insensitive way. Now that I know, I know, but I guess I kind of wish I didn't?
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I think the fact they told you ahead of time shows that they do care about you and wanted to give you time to process this when you weren't in front of others and could go through and express all these emotions. I'm glad your family is giving you space and time to process this news. I'm so sorry it's such a tough time right now. Hugs.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I'm reviving this thread because this issue is still going on. Like I previously mentioned, we suffered a devastating loss at 17 weeks due to a genetic disease that we are both carriers for. This was in the end of March. 6 weeks later, my bro and sil tell me they are expecting and are 5 weeks. I had been very close with her during our loss, she knew every detail of my loss bc she works at my doctor's office. She did not disclose that they were even trying at all, so it was a complete surprise. The intense feelings of anger and backstabbing deception was so intense in the beginning, I texted and screamed some angry things. I have not spoken to them since. Eventually, in a text, I just told them how upset it makes me, and although I still love them, cannot see them or speak to them. I Ignored my brother at a family gathering in May, which she did not attend. Now it's August. My mom keeps bugging me about talking to them. She's making me feel extremely guilty/ bad about the way I'm still feeling. She's telling me basically that I'm tearing her family apart, and that her and my dad are getting older and don't have much time together left. ( like really laying on the Jewish guilt thick) We are still struggling to ttc. Most days I am fine, but when I think about them, I fall apart. It ruins me for days.
What should I do? What would you do? Do I wait for some magical time when the thought of them doesn't bring me intense pain? Do I just agree to see them and my family together and sit in the bathroom crying the whole time? Any advice from you bumpies would be appreciated. Thanks all, and good luck to you!
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
My answer is going to be skewed because I'm very fresh from my latest loss but, here's my 2 cents. Forgive me, I'm not trying to be snarky or anything but, I would follow your gut.
If seeing her makes you an emotional and mental wreck then don't. I'm team-take-care-of-you.
I've had 5 losses but none of them were 2nd tri. I CANNOT even fathom the gut wrenching pain of a later loss. And clearly, neither can your family. No offense.
Quite frankly, I'm confused as to what your mom wants you to do? Fawn over the pregnancy? Send her a gift?
if you really want to keep the peace I would find a way to show your support with as minimal interaction as possible.
Anyway, sorry I'm not much help. My heart goes out to you. ((Hugs))
Again, I'm 1 week post loss and surgery, I think my hormones went into bitch mode.
This whole experience has been entering me into the world of taking care of me, which I never do. She's telling me she wants us to all celebrate my dads bday in two weeks. I offered to take dad out for dinner another time. She says she wants me to go to the bris after baby comes, literally said that I have to show my face, even if I need to go cry outside after. I was like DO NOT tell me what to do, and I won't know how I will feel. She makes comments about me being emotional bc of hormones or whatever, even further diminishing my pain over the loss. It's making me feel crazy, and it's not fair.
She just told me they are having a boy, and that I should be excited to have a nephew.. even though I was supposed to have a boy in Sept. I was doing fine, Now I'm a mess.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Now I'm really pissed for you.
JUST NO.
I don't know what a bris is but you send a nice card, a gift if appropriate, and you and your H go out of town for the weekend.
Or come down with the "flu" and tell them you don't want to expose a newborn to a virus.
Would your mother ask you to go to a wine tasting if you were a recovering alcoholic? No.
Would you go to mcdonalds if you were trying to eat healthy? Nope.
It's the same thing.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Honestly, my thoughts are the same as my response from April. As much as it hurts, their pregnancy was not a personal attack on you, and it's unfair to expect other people to put their lives on hold because of tragedy in your life. You never know how long TTC will take, or what their reasons were for the timing. TTC is so intensely personal. I think keeping that in mind might help.
I'd suggest thinking about what type of relationship you ultimately want with your family, brother, and nephew. If you want things to go back to being friendly eventually (that is, you don't want to never see your brother again), try to think about what you need to do to take care of yourself now to be able to move forward eventually, on whatever timeline works for you. There's no timeline on grief, and your journey is your own. Once you have a good idea of what you want out your relationship with your family, both now and in the future, your therapist should be able to help you find ways to set boundaries with your mom.
Beyond that, I just wanted to send creepy internet hugs. Loss is never ever easy, and I'm sorry your family is not supporting you in the way you need.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
While their pregnancy has nothing to do with you (the timing, etc.), you are entitled to your feelings about it, and it seems likely that elements of their situation will be triggering for you for very understandable reasons. At the same time, do you want them out of your life? My thought is that you need your space, and you also need to not have people dump their emotions on you and try to make you responsible for whatever feelings they have. And a therapist should be able to help you set those boundaries. It's not fair that you have to do it, but your family is who they are, and unless they're willing to put in the work themselves, that's the deal I guess. But if you want to continue the relationship, it's worth it. Do you think it's feasible to start seeing them in non-pregnancy/baby-related spaces? Your dad's birthday party sounds like it might be a possibility. I would say no to the bris unless you really feel up to it--send a card & gift when the baby is born. Not sure how close you are to your brother, but can you tell him that you are happy for them, you just need space?
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
I'm not sure about my dad's bday bc I dont want to ruin it by crying the whole time, I will be very upset, if I have to see her as she is now showing and I haven't seen them since they told me. I think that would be a disaster, no? I think I will just feel bad for making the whole thing about me, which I don't want to do. Like we did have a family event in May and I just talked to everyone else but my bro- even in the same group conversations. Like, I didnt even make eye contact with him. No one noticed ( except my mom) THen I went home and cried my eyes out.
I haven't said anything about being happy for them... because honestly, I'm not. ( of course I havent' said that - only to myself) I am not happy, I'm furiously angry for many many reasons. I am the big sis, my boy was supposed to be the first grandchild, and now... it will be theirs- for starters. Of course I have not shared this with them, these are my own thoughts.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Forget the SIL baby stuff, it sounds like your grief is still very raw (understandably). I think when that is worked through, the stuff with your SIL and brother will fall into place.
Good luck at your appointment
I am very sorry for your 2nd trimester loss. I have not experienced that and can't imagine, but I want to share my story. (It's gonna be long, sorry.)
Finding out I was pregnant with my first was the best news. It came at a time when my mom had been in the hospital for two months fighting complications from a minor surgery. She was literally fighting for her life, so DH and I were thrilled to learn we were expecting her first grandchild. I have three older brothers.
One of them lives in the same town I do and married a girl that is one of my BFFs. They got married a couple of months after me in 2009. My brother is 7 years older than me and my SIL and I had talked about both having one kid and the cousins could be like siblings and how much fun that would be! They live less less than 2 miles from us and we are all pretty close. But neither of us told the other when we actually started trying.
I miscarried naturally at 7 weeks on March 6 and 7, after going to our first U/S on March 5 and there was nothing but a sac. We were devastated. Floored with grief. The only person we had told at that moment was my mom, in an effort to lift her spirits.
A couple of weeks later, I was able to tell my SIL what had happened. She and I cried together over the phone and she and my brother were both very supportive. A month after our loss, SIL called to say she wanted to come over. We always go over there, so I knew something was up. I texted DH and told him that I thought they were going to announce they were pregnant. Just had an intuition. And they did. They were nine weeks. They were sensitive about how they delivered the news. They had us and our fragile emotional state in mind. They were considerate.
From the very first moment, I felt it was important not to let my grief interfere with the fact that they were gifted a healthy pregnancy. This was going to be my niece or nephew. I had to separate the two events. And so, I did.
My losses are the tragedy of my life, but they are mine, ours. My brother and SIL should not delay their excitement, their life for their wonderful news.
In August, I got KU again! We were thrilled. We told more people early. SIL was the first I told besides DH. And again, at 7ish weeks, on August 22 and 23, I miscarried naturally after seeing an U/S with only a sac.
I was supposed to host a baby shower for them in September. DH was helping them paint their nursery. We backed off of those responsibilities and other friends and family graciously picked up the slack.
For many additional reason than what I will not write here, 2013 was the worst year of our lives. Lots of loss and lots of grief. Too much.
But then on November 1, our world got brighter. My niece was born. I left work early to run to the hospital to await her arrival. I felt like it was the best day of the year. If I was going to have trouble staying pregnant, then I was NOT going to miss out on the one baby my family has among all four of us siblings. She arrived healthy and happy with the biggest, rosiest cheeks of any baby I had ever seen. She has dimples like me.
DH had more trouble being around the baby initially and one time asked me straight up how I did it. I told him just what I wrote earlier: we don't know what the outcome for us is going to be. I am not going to risk losing a relationship that is meaningful to me because the universe screwed me over. I don't think he felt anger towards them, but definitely to the powers that be (we aren't religious). My brother and SIL didn't have any control over this. They would have done anything in their power to change these outcomes and I know that.
My niece is now 2.5, almost 3. She adores her Uncle A and she likes me too (he's got a way with kids). We still have not had a successful pregnancy. But at least I have my niece. She is sweet and funny and precious. I am so glad I know her.
It's totally not unreasonable to have these feelings, but I do feel like it is unhealthy to hold onto them for a significant period of time. You (and others) may disagree or find my approach harsh, but here it goes:
@BrightenMySky, @Riversong15 and others are absolutely right. While this may feel like a personal attack, their getting pregnant has nothing to do with you. Nothing. I don't understand (not discounting, but don't understand) the feeling of betrayal and it sounds like that is one of the things you are stuck on. It is terribly unfair that they will have a child before you, but it's just that - unfair. It sucks. It's awful. But it is happening and no amount of anger or hiding from it will change that.
From what you have said, you and your brother were close and you and your SIL had been getting close. Sometimes I am a little Pollyanna-ish, but I would bet lots of dollars that they are devastated for you and feel the gravity of how unfair all of this is, but they have no control over the way the world works and I think you may be doing a disservice to yourself in the long-run by faulting them for this situation.
Your mom sounds like she is trying to make peace, because that's what moms do. I am sure it's overbearing and obnoxious and I am very sorry that you feel they are trying to gloss over your feelings. I do not think anyone should do that and I am sure that is painful.
I think family therapy is a brilliant idea, but I also think that one-on-one therapy for you may be helpful. If you are religious, perhaps your rabbi or another spiritual counselor can offer some meaningful comfort. Anger is absolutely a stage of grief, but to what end are you willing to expend anger at a undeserving target?
I hope you don't feel as though I am being insensitive, because I truly do feel for you and know that you are struggling with all of this. I am devastated for you to feel so much pain and to have it drawn out for these months is agony, as you've described it.
I agree with @iceandsnowflakes29 who said, when you have worked through your stuff a bit more, the rest will hopefully fall into place.
Hopefully my perspective will just give you an alternative to consider. And if not, you can completely disregard all of it!
Sending you so many creepy internet hugs right now. xoxo
Me: 40, DH: 35 / Married: 2009; TTC #1: 2013
2013 - 2015: 5 pregnancies —> 5 miscarriages
TTCAL with RE (RPL specialist): February 2016
2016: 3 medicated TI cycles —> 3 medicated IUI cycles: All BFN
Donor Egg IVF Transfer: May 1, 2017
May 11, 2017: BFP!! Beta #1: 449.1, Beta #2: 844, Beta #3: 1714
EDD: 1/17/18, it's a GIRL! E. L. A. born 12/7/2017
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
Also, although I know losses are hard at any stage, being this was a second trimester one, where we saw our baby on the u/s and have pictures so detailed, you could make out the face structure ( looked like my husband for sure) and we knew the gender, makes this particularly painful ( for me) compared to the five week loss I had. I have not told them about my anger, just explained that I needed to not be in contact for a while bc it hurt. I explained to my mom about the anger. Seeing any of our family members getting excited for their baby just hurts me so much that I want to avoid all family events now.
@fivetimesnoluck I really thank you for sharing your story, and so sorry for your losses. I'm so glad you were able to have a good relationship with your niece and get passed everything. You are so unbelievably strong! I hope that I one day can too... at least with just my nephew. It is really helpful hearing others situations, so I appreciate that. I wish you so much luck the next time around!
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I am ALL about the self-love and have taken a more selfish approach to my life post 2 MCs than I ever have before! So, you need to do you! That being said... here's my two cents:
Like pp have said, you do really need to think about what you want with your family in the future, long term. I know that it's sucky, but is it possible that if you did the birthday thing, and maybe/probably broke down crying for a while, that that would help you 'get it out' of your system and allow you to cope better and move on? Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but what I mean is that sometimes I just need a good cry (even if it's at an inappropriate time) before I'm able to actually 'move on' because I realize that I can't work through what I'm feeling without that good cry. Additionally, an added benefit to this would be if you did break down and lost it for a while in the middle of a small family gathering, they'd maybe get a glimpse of what you are REALLY feeling inside and it may help THEM see what you're going through and that it isn't just a trivial issue that can be shrugged off or ignored.
As for the bris and birth, that's still many months out. I know it's hard to even consider any of this now, but maybe try to keep an open mind that you'll hopefully be in a better place then? Also, I don't know about you, but when people tell me that I HAVE to do something as though it's a command, I do not take well to that and it makes me even more upset and rebellious (especially when it's my mother). So, maybe your mom is rubbing you the wrong way on this one? My two cents based on the small amount I know about the situation is to ignore your mother's 'command' and keep an open mind about the ceremony. It's a long ways off and hopefully you'll be in a better place by then. If not, you'll have at least appeared open minded about it, and your husband can always buy and take a gift while you feign an illness.
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023.
Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
#BitterHagPartyOf1