Family issues — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Family issues

hey guys- going through a rough time right now and just looking for support from those who unewest and. We lost a pregnancy due to genetic disease at four months... Just under a month ago. Weve been going to supprt group and its been really hard. I was just getting back into being productive at work and going to the gym- basically feeling more like myself. Anyway, my family just dropped a bomb on me. I just got a call from my sister in law telling me she's pregnant. We are literally supposed to see them for the first time since our loss in a few hours for the passover holiday at cousins with the whole family. They said they wanted to tell me before in case it came out that she wasn't drinking. They just found out this week. 
I am having a really hard time- I texted my mom immediately and told her I won't be able to come. I didn't even know they were trying- as they had said they were waiting a while. I have been hysterical in bed for the last few hours. Apparently it was my moms idea for them to tell me bc she thought I was doing better. It hasn't even been one month. Everyone is calling and texting me and they feel terrible. I am not able to talk to anyone right now. I am allowed to feel my feelings. If anyone understandsnor can offer words of supprt if appreciate it. I'm happy for them but I can't talk to them or see them now.
Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016

Re: Family issues

  • My mom Also feels terrible now and feels she has been insensitive- I feel terrible about feeling sad and angry as I don't want to make this about me- but the pain is so deep still. I just feel like no one understands how I feel and I feel guilty for being so angry. This was our first and their first and first grand child for my parents.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • One of my co-workers just announced she's pregnant, she's due 5 wks after I would of been due. She's a friend of mine and I'm happy for her but of course I'm upset too. I walked out of the office as soon as she announced...I had actually suspected for awhile but kind of was in denial because I had been feeling so well lately. That should be me also...why is her pregnancy going well and mine didn't? Now she will be a constant reminder of what I lost. I do feel bad for being so upset but we are justified for feeling the way we do and you do what is best for you right now. *hugs*
    Me: 35      DH: 35
    Married: 8/16/2014
    TTC 6/2015
    BFP #1: 1/2016, MMC 3/2016 (9 weeks)
    BFP #2: 6/2016, DD born 3/1/17 at 39 weeks 1 day 
    BFP #3: 1/2019, CP (4 weeks 1 day)
    BFP #4: 4/2019, Due 12/10/19


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  • I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. My situation is not exactly like yours but I do understand the need to step back and take time for yourself you shouldnt feel guilty for that and they should understand but I understand why you do. My best friend is pregnant she is like my sister though she was quite a bit ahead of me in her pregnancy it has been very difficult to be around her. And to top it off she was the only one who new I was pregnant and the day I suspected I was having a miscarriage also happened to be the day I was throwing and hosting her baby shower.  Everytime as much as I tried to avoid it she got me alonr she would ask how I was feeling and I had to bite my tongue of what I knew pretty inevitable. I got through it and the next day confirmed the worst and I told her she felt awful and I felt guilty she felt this way but she has also been one of my biggest support system even though I can't get myself to physically see her right now. Again I am so sorry for your loss and I hope soon we can find some peace in our situations. Sending lots of love your way! 
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are allowed to feel your feelings and to be upset. Perhaps it was good that they warned you, if you had gone to the dinner and found out, it could have been way worse. I'd personally feel awful if I found out around friends and family because they'd all be happy for them and I'd be miserable. Relax tonight. Regain your strength. 
  • BrightenMySkyBrightenMySky
    250 Love Its 500 Comments 5 Answers Name Dropper
    member
    edited April 2016
    I'm sorry for your loss.  You are allowed to feel all of these feelings, now and for as long as you feel them.  Grief does not have an expiration date or a switch.  Yes, it's sad for your parents that your baby would have been their first grandchild, but it is not your responsibility to comfort them (this is a favorite read of mine on this issue: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407).  

    My loss was discovered at 11 weeks at the end of January.  I had felt like I was finally beginning to feel more even--still sad, but a mix of good and bad days and moments--and then my dog got diagnosed with cancer, and everything collapsed on me.  Even before the news about the dog, my mom seemed surprised that I was still sad about our baby a month after my d&c when we were visiting family.  

    I have only started talking to friends and family more.  I avoided all phone calls at the beginning.  Family is still a little strained, friends that I can be more open with and tell them what I need, I do better.  I feel that if someone acknowledges my loss and my sadness, I can be more like myself--laugh at a joke, chat about frivolous things--but if it goes unsaid, I just retreat inside and grieve to myself.

    This weekend has also been rough for me as my parents were hoping we would go to them for Passover (about 5 hours driving), but between the dog's treatments and all of my ups and downs (both physically and emotionally--including going to a christening last weekend out of town), I just really felt I needed to only focus on myself this weekend.  Chag sameach, right?
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
    MrsDramaK
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are allowed to feel your feelings and to be upset. Perhaps it was good that they warned you, if you had gone to the dinner and found out, it could have been way worse. I'd personally feel awful if I found out around friends and family because they'd all be happy for them and I'd be miserable. Relax tonight. Regain your strength. 
    This. Four days after my D&C (Easter Sunday) we had to sit through my husband's cousin announcing to the whole family that she was 8 weeks pregnant (only a few days behind where I was supposed to be). It was such an awful moment and we had to excuse ourselves rather hastily afterwards so I wouldn't burst into tears in front of everyone (nobody knew about our loss). Had I had warning, I would have skipped it. You are the best judge of what you can handle now, and you have every right to decline putting yourself in situations that will be triggering and trying for you. The link @BrightenMySky posted is a great read for this type of thing. *hugs*
  • Thanks for sharing your stories everyone - I'm sorry for all of your losses and for what we are all dealing with. It's so helpful for me to hear different things that were triggers for you - so it lets me feel ok for my feelings in this situation. Sometimes it's just those little day to day things that get to you - and you can't say when or how long it will get you down. I've always been the type of person to go out or plan a trip to feel better- but this is just so different I just need quiet time by myself and take it day by day. I hope you ladies have some easier days ahead and @BrightenMySky I'm sorry to hear of your dogs diagnosis and I hope the treatments go well - I have two little fur babies as well!
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
    BrightenMySky
  • Guys I'm still having serious issues with this right now and I do t know how to handle it. I feel like I need to know if this is pregnancy was a surprise or if they were actually trying. If they were then I figured this happened the week that we were experiencing our loss and they knew all about what was going on. They a also had said that they were waiting a year after the wedding which was in September. I just feel like I need to know- if they actually were trying and it was this month as I calculate, right when our stuff happened ; I just can't shake the feeling that they truly do not love and care about us and what we went through. Im really just sick to my stomach and I don't think I can speak to them for a long time. I just won't be able to. I am out of control filled with rage! Going back to my therapist this week!
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • @KarenBeth714 you are going through stages of grief, anger is completely normal. The most important thing to remember is that their pregnancy is not an attack on you. Maybe they were trying earlier, maybe they just said "a year" to avoid pressure, maybe after seeing how happy you were before you had a MC, they moved up their plans. I know it feels like an attack right now and it feels so so so personal, and that you don't want to see them for a while, and that is fine. Just remember they are your family and they love you and I'm sure they'll want to be there for you. They had the decency to give you a heads up so that way you didn't have to find out in front of everyone. A lesson I've learned recently is that you can't ask someone to put their life on hold because of your personal circumstances. Everyone has their own journey, the best thing you can do is to be honest and say you need some time to process it and that you are sad for your circumstances, but (even if it isn't true), say you wish them the best and you are happy for them. Your therapist will be able to help you through this and help you process all your feelings. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, my heart breaks for you. 
    RiverSong15mouse1029ChaoticWolf
  • I am glad you are talking to your therapist about this. These feelings sound very normal but difficult to process.  I have found figuring out how to relate to people post-loss extremely challenging.  

    I don't know if this will help you at all or not, but I'll just put it out there.  We had a situation where my SIL announced when we were trying.  I thought about her personality and the timing and guessed that they had gotten pregnant as soon as they started trying (or close to it).  Then it turned out they had not been trying (actively preventing)...didn't help that we were told that in a fairly insensitive way.  Now that I know, I know, but I guess I kind of wish I didn't?  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • I'm so so sorry your going through this... I am not in your situation but I have been hurt like that before, a girl I work with and I were both pregnant the first time together and gave birth a day apart. Last December we were in class and she said how they wanted to start trying soon again and how it would be cool if we were pregnant together again. Well I was pregnant at the time which I thought was ironic I had just found out but then ended up miscarrying at 6 weeks. Then I got pregnant again and found out I was miscarrying and it was ectopic and while I was going through all that she announced that they were expecting... II felt like I got stabbed in the gut it hurt so bad but it was no ones fault...
  • Thanks guys for sharing again. I just can't shake this feeling- it's insane. I've talked it over with my mon who is also feeling shocked by their news and feels hurt for me. She understands where I'm coming from and we decided that I'm too upset to say anything right now and should probably just lay low. I don't know when I'll be able to talk to or see them again. I calculated back and they definitely got pregnant a week after our loss. I just feel completely back stabbed right now
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • Everything that @LaurenDarling said. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard to watch others go through a pregnancy when you've had a loss. I agree, though, that you can't expect others to put their lives on hold. Their pregnancy is not a personal attack on you and it doesn't mean they don't care about you or aren't sad about your loss. It's never easy news to get, though. 

    I think the fact they told you ahead of time shows that they do care about you and wanted to give you time to process this when you weren't in front of others and could go through and express all these emotions. I'm glad your family is giving you space and time to process this news.  I'm so sorry it's such a tough time right now. Hugs.
    BrightenMySkyAandDM2014mouse1029ChaoticWolf
  • I just can't believe this happened the week of our loss because she's only five weeks so I know for a fact. I just don't know how I'll ever be able to not think about that. I've talked with many others who are angry and think that if it were them in this situation they would have put it on hold for a couple of months. It's so sad I'll never be able to forget or fully forgive but this is family. I will have to do what I need to do to keep it together, but I will never forget that
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • Hey guys -
              I'm reviving this thread because this issue is still going on. Like I previously mentioned, we suffered a devastating loss at 17 weeks due to a genetic disease that we are both carriers for. This was in the end of March. 6 weeks later, my bro and sil tell me they are expecting and are 5 weeks. I had been very close with her during our loss, she knew every detail of my loss bc she works at my doctor's office. She did not disclose that they were even trying at all, so it was a complete surprise. The intense feelings of anger and backstabbing deception was so intense in the beginning, I texted and screamed some angry things. I have not spoken to them since. Eventually, in a text, I just told them how upset it makes me, and although I still love them, cannot see them or speak to them. I Ignored my brother at a family gathering in May, which she did not attend. Now it's August. My mom keeps bugging me about talking to them. She's making me feel extremely guilty/ bad about the way I'm still feeling. She's telling me basically that I'm tearing her family apart, and that her and my dad are getting older and don't have much time together left. ( like really laying on the Jewish guilt thick) We are still struggling to ttc. Most days I am fine, but when I think about them, I fall apart. It ruins me for days.

    What should I do? What would you do? Do I wait for some magical time when the thought of them doesn't bring me intense pain? Do I just agree to see them and my family together and sit in the bathroom crying the whole time? Any advice from you bumpies would be appreciated. Thanks all, and good luck to you!
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • How often are you supposed to see them? Are they pressuring you for one get together?  or several?  

    My answer is going to be skewed because I'm very fresh from my latest loss but, here's my 2 cents. Forgive me, I'm not trying to be snarky  or anything but, I would follow your gut. 

    If seeing her makes you an emotional and mental wreck then don't.  I'm team-take-care-of-you. 

    I've had 5 losses but none of them were 2nd tri. I CANNOT even fathom the gut wrenching pain of a later loss. And clearly, neither can your family. No offense. 

    Quite frankly, I'm confused as to what your mom wants you to do? Fawn over the pregnancy?  Send her a gift? 

    if you really want to keep the peace I would find a way to show your support with as minimal interaction as possible. 

    Anyway, sorry I'm not much help. My heart goes out to you. ((Hugs))
    KarenBeth714chloe97amberrukaChaoticWolf
  • And to clarify, I'm not trying to be snarky to you. It's your mother I want to have words with. 

    Again, I'm 1 week post loss and surgery, I think my hormones went into bitch mode. 
  • Oh thanks.. I love snark! I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope things get easier for you as each day goes by. First few weeks after I was just in pure survival mode. Sending you strength and <3  @iceandsnowflakes29 !

    This whole experience has been entering me into the world of taking care of me, which I never do. She's telling me she wants us to all celebrate my dads bday in two weeks. I offered to take dad out for dinner another time. She says she wants me to go to the bris after baby comes, literally said that I have to show my face, even if I need to go cry outside after. I was like DO NOT tell me what to do, and I won't know how I will feel. She makes comments about me being emotional bc of hormones or whatever, even further diminishing my pain over the loss. It's making me feel crazy, and it's not fair.
    She just told me they are having a boy, and that I should be excited to have a nephew.. even though I was supposed to have a boy in Sept. I was doing fine, Now I'm a mess.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • No no no no. 

    Now I'm really pissed for you. 


    JUST NO. 

    I don't know what a bris  is but you send a nice card, a gift if appropriate, and you and your H go out of town for the weekend. 

    Or come down with the "flu" and tell them you don't want to expose a newborn to a virus. 

    Would your mother ask you to go to a wine tasting if you were a recovering alcoholic?  No. 

    Would you go to mcdonalds if you were trying to eat healthy?  Nope. 

    It's the same thing. 



    KarenBeth714chloe97ChaoticWolf
  • Hopefully others will have ideas on more diplomatic ways to handle your mom ;)
  • Making family counseling appointments for next week. Hopefully they can help.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
    iceandsnowflakes29BrightenMySkyChaoticWolf
  • RiverSong15RiverSong15
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited August 2016
    @KarenBeth714 I'm so sorry you're struggling. I think a counselor is a great idea, and hopefully they can help you find healthy ways to grieve and heal. I think your family is pursuing things in an insensitive way, and I wonder if their persistence in trying to force the relationship is keeping you stuck. I think a plan, and therapy, will help a lot.

    Honestly, my thoughts are the same as my response from April. As much as it hurts, their pregnancy was not a personal attack on you, and it's unfair to expect other people to put their lives on hold because of tragedy in your life. You never know how long TTC will take, or what their reasons were for the timing. TTC is so intensely personal. I think keeping that in mind might help.

    I'd suggest thinking about what type of relationship you ultimately want with your family, brother, and nephew. If you want things to go back to being friendly eventually (that is, you don't want to never see your brother again), try to think about what you need to do to take care of yourself now to be able to move forward eventually, on whatever timeline works for you. There's no timeline on grief, and your journey is your own. Once you have a good idea of what you want out your relationship with your family, both now and in the future, your therapist should be able to help you find ways to set boundaries with your mom.

    Beyond that, I just wanted to send creepy internet hugs. Loss is never ever easy, and I'm sorry your family is not supporting you in the way you need.
    BornReadyBrightenMySkyChaoticWolf
  • Ah, thanks. IBehave been grieving healthfully as I can and participated in a supprt group. I also don't think it was an attack on me but being the personal nature of my relationship with SIL she did withold personal information from me. This was her choice. Now it just feels like I can't ever trust her. also, I really don't feel they were trying to hurt me, but I just can't seem to shake the intense feeling of pain every time I think of them and everyone in our family overjoyed for them. I imagine a future where we can be together, but for now it's just too much. Therapy appobtment is made for next week so hopefully I can bring her in on this and SIL if willing.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • I am sorry this family drama is still adding to your burden @KarenBeth714, hugs.  I think therapy is a good idea.  I have found my therapist to be really helpful at determining how to take care of myself.  

    While their pregnancy has nothing to do with you (the timing, etc.), you are entitled to your feelings about it, and it seems likely that elements of their situation will be triggering for you for very understandable reasons.  At the same time, do you want them out of your life?  My thought is that you need your space, and you also need to not have people dump their emotions on you and try to make you responsible for whatever feelings they have.  And a therapist should be able to help you set those boundaries.  It's not fair that you have to do it, but your family is who they are, and unless they're willing to put in the work themselves, that's the deal I guess.  But if you want to continue the relationship, it's worth it.  Do you think it's feasible to start seeing them in non-pregnancy/baby-related spaces?  Your dad's birthday party sounds like it might be a possibility.  I would say no to the bris unless you really feel up to it--send a card & gift when the baby is born.  Not sure how close you are to your brother, but can you tell him that you are happy for them, you just need space?  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
    RiverSong15fivetimesnoluckChaoticWolf
  • All great points that I will bring up with the therapist, I'll start writing down some thoughts before I go and start blabbing. I have been very close with my brother my whole life. They have been together a long time and I was just starting to get close with her, like a sister. Now I don't share those feelings. I already told my bro that I love them, but cant see them or talk to them for as long as I need. ( in a text) I explained how everything is so hurtful and painful for me.
    I'm not sure about my dad's bday bc I dont want to ruin it by crying the whole time, I will be very upset, if I have to see her as she is now showing and I haven't seen them since they told me. I think that would be a disaster, no? I think I will just feel bad for making the whole thing about me, which I don't want to do. Like we did have a family event in May and I just talked to everyone else but my bro- even in the same group conversations. Like, I didnt even make eye contact with him. No one noticed ( except my mom) THen I went home and cried my eyes out.

    I haven't said anything about being happy for them... because honestly, I'm not. ( of course I havent' said that - only to myself) I am not happy, I'm furiously angry for many many reasons. I am the big sis, my boy was supposed to be the first grandchild, and now... it will be theirs- for starters. Of course I have not shared this with them, these are my own thoughts.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
  • I definitely think you need to seek some counseling. 

    Forget the SIL baby stuff, it sounds like your grief is still very raw (understandably). I think when that is worked through, the stuff with your SIL and brother will fall into place. 

    Good luck at your appointment <3
  • I think I may have said this before (sorry for my laziness in not scrolling up), but one thing in particular about this situation that I would really struggle with would be that SIL worked in your OB's office and basically had access to your records, regardless of how much you wanted to share with her. While they are free to TTC whenever they want, it makes the information imbalance really pronounced and almost highlights your vulnerability.  It's tough.  I hope that is something that your therapist can help you reframe. 
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • @brightenmysky yea I think that part about her being there through every detail of our loss, every blood draw, every hcg level, and her being on the phone with me every day during that time, knowing now they were trying and not telling me ( which I found out to be true) creates the backstabbing feelings and feelings of mistrust. It makes me feel like the compassion she showed me was fake. They have every right to keep it private, but I know if the situation were reversed, I would have told her. In fact, I would have probably put ttc on hold. My cousin said she would have done the same for her sister, so I know I'm not the only one with this thought. It's just what I think I would have done. I'm switching doctors for sure, I already have a referral.

    Also, although I know losses are hard at any stage, being this was a second trimester one, where we saw our baby on the u/s and have pictures so detailed, you could make out the face structure ( looked like my husband for sure) and we knew the gender, makes this particularly painful ( for me) compared to the five week loss I had. I have not told them about my anger, just explained that I needed to not be in contact for a while bc it hurt. I explained to my mom about the anger. Seeing any of our family members getting excited for their baby just hurts me so much that I want to avoid all family events now.

    @fivetimesnoluck I really thank you for sharing your story, and so sorry for your losses. I'm so glad you were able to have a good relationship with your niece and get passed everything. You are so unbelievably strong! I hope that I one day can too... at least with just my nephew. It is really helpful hearing others situations, so I appreciate that. I wish you so much luck the next time around!

    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
    fivetimesnoluckChaoticWolf
  • I've learned, unfortunately, to assume everyone around me in a steady relationship (married or not), is ttc and to always always brace myself for an announcement :-/  It helps prevent "surprises". 
    fivetimesnoluckChaoticWolf
  • Sorry you're still struggling with this.  :(  It's a sucky situation for sure.  It does sound like you've been starting to work through some of it and handle it a bit better, in that you were able to text your brother/SIL and tell them that you love them but that you just can't handle it right now.

    I am ALL about the self-love and have taken a more selfish approach to my life post 2 MCs than I ever have before!  So, you need to do you!  That being said... here's my two cents:

    Like pp have said, you do really need to think about what you want with your family in the future, long term.  I know that it's sucky, but is it possible that if you did the birthday thing, and maybe/probably broke down crying for a while, that that would help you 'get it out' of your system and allow you to cope better and move on?  Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but what I mean is that sometimes I just need a good cry (even if it's at an inappropriate time) before I'm able to actually 'move on' because I realize that I can't work through what I'm feeling without that good cry.  Additionally, an added benefit to this would be if you did break down and lost it for a while in the middle of a small family gathering, they'd maybe get a glimpse of what you are REALLY feeling inside and it may help THEM see what you're going through and that it isn't just a trivial issue that can be shrugged off or ignored.

    As for the bris and birth, that's still many months out.  I know it's hard to even consider any of this now, but maybe try to keep an open mind that you'll hopefully be in a better place then?  Also, I don't know about you, but when people tell me that I HAVE to do something as though it's a command, I do not take well to that and it makes me even more upset and rebellious (especially when it's my mother).  So, maybe your mom is rubbing you the wrong way on this one?  My two cents based on the small amount I know about the situation is to ignore your mother's 'command' and keep an open mind about the ceremony.  It's a long ways off and hopefully you'll be in a better place by then.  If not, you'll have at least appeared open minded about it, and your husband can always buy and take a gift while you feign an illness.  :)

    Love GIF

    Me: 34    DH: 38

    MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
    Married: Nov. 7, 2015
    MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) 
    MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
    RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
    MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
    Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
    Possibly giving up because I just can't even anymore...
    #BitterHagPartyOf1

    BFP 1/16/2019  
    HCG blood qualitative test - between 5 and 25... FML...

    fuck my life GIF

    fivetimesnoluckChaoticWolf
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