My kids preschool will do a party (cake and a song) with the whole class if you take the stuff.
Everyone used to do this in Elementary school and it was always such a bummer for me because I have a summer birthday. They used to do one day for the July birthdays and one day for the August birthdays at the end of the year, but it just wasn't the same getting lumped into a group.
my school did not have the "you must invite everyone" rule. so i was invited to some parties. and i wasn't invited to some parties. and i grew up to be a normal human being.
and you know what. as an adult, i get invited to some "parties", and i don't get invited to some "parties". and i can just deal with it and not care. i learned that skill when i was 7.
** December BMB Siggy Challenge - Animals in Pools **
Me: 31+ H: 32 TTC Since 11/2015 #1 - MMC 6.5 weeks (2/16); #2 - MC due to cystic hygroma at 20 weeks (10/16); #3 CP (2/17); #4 - Due 12.16.17
I feel like I have been MIA...and will continue to be MIA for a few weeks....because work is insane, we have busy plans for the next several weekends, and I am trying hard to put away electronics while my daughter is awake to spend more quality time as a family.
Hope everyone is doing ok and feeling a little better!
I have decided that every time my H is being a dick, instead of arguing I'm buying myself something expensive. Today he was being an ass, so I bought new boots. Gotta talk his language
I have decided that every time my H is being a dick, instead of arguing I'm buying myself something expensive. Today he was being an ass, so I bought new boots. Gotta talk his language
my school did not have the "you must invite everyone" rule. so i was invited to some parties. and i wasn't invited to some parties. and i grew up to be a normal human being.
and you know what. as an adult, i get invited to some "parties", and i don't get invited to some "parties". and i can just deal with it and not care. i learned that skill when i was 7.
You know what the difference is, though? An adult understands why some people have some friends and other people have other friends. An adult has the maturity to understand that there are more important things in life than parties. An adult has the freedom to go out and make his or her own friends, but a kid is stuck with the same 20 other kids for 10 months of the year, whether she likes them or not.
I moved around a ton as a kid, and I was the new kid in school for the last time in the third grade. One Monday, all the girls in my class came in wearing matching... necklaces or something that they'd gotten at one of the girls' birthday parties that weekend. When I figured out that I'd been the only girl who wasn't invited to the party, I was heartbroken. I felt completely left out. I felt like I'd been left out on purpose. I have no idea if that's really the case because, hi, I was eight years old, and I got over it, and I made a lot of friends and went to more parties than I could ever count. But I cried my eyes out when I got home that day. I had never felt so alone.
The rule about birthday party invitations isn't so that "everyone gets a trophy." It's so that the lonely kids aren't left out of things, whether maliciously or inadvertently, because children can be mean and parents can be complicit. It's so that kids who spend every day together have a level playing field in at least one tiny aspect of their social lives. It's so that there isn't some eight-year-old holding back tears on a playground somewhere as she figures out that she's all alone in a crowd.
Everything is a big deal when you're little. Think about the stupid shit that toddlers throw tantrums about, or the minutiae that embarrasses a teenager. The world is huge and bright and confusing to a kid, and it doesn't hurt adults to make this planet a little more welcoming for children.
I'm beyond irritated. Someone stole a check from my property management today and it's a pretty decent amount. I was running late for work and decided to deposit it after I left. It was in my purse, in my desk and now it's gone. I realized after the company was closed so I emailed them. Given I'm leaving my job at the end of the month, I need all my money! I hope this can all get sorted out. I hate thieves.
thank you @MonaLisaRalphio for eloquently stating my feelings. my 9yo cousin has cried every birthday for the past 3 years because the little girls in her class call her fat and bully her and no one comes to her birthday parties.
bullying can cause ptsd, it is not about trophies. it is about not being an asshole.
I would be devastated for my kid if she was excluded from the group, because I was that kid. It wasn't until probably HS that I came into my own. If we do parties, we will invite everyone whether it's a rule or not. Maybe that invitation will be the thing that gets a kid accepted into the crowd, maybe it will just make them happy to be invited. I would rather spend a few more dollars than hurt a child's feelings.
thank you @MonaLisaRalphio for eloquently stating my feelings. my 9yo cousin has cried every birthday for the past 3 years because the little girls in her class call her fat and bully her and no one comes to her birthday parties.
bullying can cause ptsd, it is not about trophies. it is about not being an asshole.
If I ever found out that this happened to my kid, there would not be enough Jesus in the world to hold me back.. Kids are so cruel.
Those experiences are horrible, and for schools to try to prevent them is a good thing. Devil's advocate, though, I still think there needs to be options in place for parents who can only host a smaller group, like inviting all the girls/all the boys only or inviting 1-2 close friends to a family party. Otherwise, if parents don't have space to host the whole class and don't have money to do an on-location party, what are their options?
@MonaLisaRalphio Thank you so much for saying what I wanted to express yesterday but couldn't find the right words. I will gladly pay more/deal with a day of chaos than exclude a child. Depending on the age, a child may not developmentally be able to truly comprehend the idea of different groups of friends and be able to handle those feelings accordingly.
@MonaLisaRalphio - Oh I absolutely get that it can be a tough situation. And inviting everyone but one student (or all girls but one girl, all boys but one boy) is mean and not exactly the situation I was referring to (I should have made that more clear). Yes, adults most certainly do have the maturity to understand that goes well beyond kids. I also think it depends on ages and the situation (how many kids in the class). If it's a smaller class, it makes more sense for everyone to be invited. And as a parent, I hope to teach my kid kindness and compassion by inviting everyone. But especially as kids get older, I think it's important skill for them to learn that life isn't always fair.
I think I more just don't like when schools have the "all or nothing mentality." A lot of the schools in my area now and where I'm from now have a policy where it's not just a "you can't pass out invites at school unless it's everyone" policy, it's an "everyone must be invited and if the school finds out you have a party when only some kids are invited you get a call from the principal." That means for some families, because they can't have a birthday party for their child plus a few close friends and the big parties for 30+ kids is too expensive, the child gets no birthday party.
And @Gretchypoo - that is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry your cousin is dealing with that. That's beyond not fair, that is cruel. In a perfect world, the school and parents would stand up and recognize the kids who are doing that and step in to prevent it. Although I know that's not how it works in the real world. I hope it gets better for her. That's heartbreaking and no one deserves to be treated like that.
** December BMB Siggy Challenge - Animals in Pools **
Me: 31+ H: 32 TTC Since 11/2015 #1 - MMC 6.5 weeks (2/16); #2 - MC due to cystic hygroma at 20 weeks (10/16); #3 CP (2/17); #4 - Due 12.16.17
@Gretchypoo that's awful, I'm so sorry for your cousin.
I'm not talking about inviting all but one or two kids like some of you seem to be - that's terrible and those parents should have known better. I'm talking about my son invited 2 kids from his class of 27 and 2 other kids he plays with at recess. Does that make us assholes? Because it's more than just "a little more money" to invite 20+ more kids and the "chaos" of having that many 6 or 7 yr olds at a pool party is also a major safety concern.
If if you have the means and intend to host MOST of the class, then yes, you should invite everyone rather than excluding a few. But I don't think it has to be all or nothing and a kid can't invite his best friend for a sleepover unless he invites everyone just so no one feels left out.
Like @Xstatic3333 mentioned above, I feel that if a school does have that policy (and I understand the good intentions behind it) there should also be options for parents who, financially, can't afford to host that many people. Perhaps the school/daycare can offer discounts with pre-picked vendors or offer the use of a town facility (pool, YMCA, etc) at a discounted price.
Like @Xstatic3333 mentioned above, I feel that if a school does have that policy (and I understand the good intentions behind it) there should also be options for parents who, financially, can't afford to host that many people. Perhaps the school/daycare can offer discounts with pre-picked vendors or offer the use of a town facility (pool, YMCA, etc) at a discounted price.
That's a good idea!
I'm going into work late today, so I got a little curious and started researching birthday party options in my city, which has a lot of poverty in many neighborhoods combined with rising rents and COL. Average elementary class size is 22-25. In an article about "affordable birthday parties in ___________" I found one place where you could do it for $175, plus cake. All of the others had surcharges over 12-15 kids that would bring the total to $300-$400. We can definitely budget for this, and gladly will, but it could be really tough for many others in our city. If you could get two lanes at a pool for an hour for $50, and then just bring in the cake, that would be so much more palatable for families on a very tight budget.
I love the idea of hosting at home, but that will probably be out for us since it'll be a winter birthday. We don't have a good indoor space for the whole class.
Another side of this too: we got an invite to a fellow daycare kids birthday party in May. I thought "that's weird.. We don't even really know them!" But maybe the school DOES have that policy in place! I just thought they were being gift grabby at the time. Now I can see why that would be an unfair judgement.
You also have to think, just because they got an invite doesn't mean they will be able to come. Just the fact they got an invite might make their day. Our neighbor brought an invite over for our son, we'll be out of town but our son was so stinking excited that someone invited him to their birthday. It was really cute.
We have two sleeping beauties in heaven. Jack gained his wings on 09/02/2016. Kali gained her wings on 07/28/2015. They will be forever missed.
I hadn't even thought about the implications of a February bday! DS is June so it's been the backyard pool + BBQ for years - so easy. I'm gonna have to work harder for a winter party
I think the alternative is you just don't invite anyone from the class. My DD invited 4 friends from other stuff and was sad she couldn't invite some kids from her class, but understood the rules. Her class all year generally did giant parties at bounce houses, or kept it small and with people outside of the school. It's up the parents! The year before for preK I had the whole class, but for the American Girl doll store an hour away it just wasn't feasable.
My oldest is starting kindy in 3 weeks and I so worry about the birthday party drama! We do joint parties for both girls (birthdays 22 days apart) and then something special the day of. My girl has a very sensitive heart. I know she will be on the lookout for no one getting left out. On the other hand, because she is so soft she gets hurt a lot.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
Okay I just googled "Panera's Bakers Dozen" because I overheard the STRANGEST conversation this morning.
Panera Lady: "Okay, thats 12 bagels, so which one do you want me to put back for the deal?" Customer: "Oh... I thought I had one more..." PL: "No, 6.99 for 11 bagels." C: "Oh okay, I thought it was 6.99 for a baker's dozen" PL: "It is. A baker's dozen is 11. Because the baker takes one for himself. Get it?" C: "Yeah........"
And she rang her up and off she went. I swore the sign said 13, I swore a baker's dozen was 13. I googled it and Panera Lady was wrong! Hopefully its her first day and someone tells her soon...
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
Okay I just googled "Panera's Bakers Dozen" because I overheard the STRANGEST conversation this morning.
Panera Lady: "Okay, thats 12 bagels, so which one do you want me to put back for the deal?" Customer: "Oh... I thought I had one more..." PL: "No, 6.99 for 11 bagels." C: "Oh okay, I thought it was 6.99 for a baker's dozen" PL: "It is. A baker's dozen is 11. Because the baker takes one for himself. Get it?" C: "Yeah........"
And she rang her up and off she went. I swore the sign said 13, I swore a baker's dozen was 13. I googled it and Panera Lady was wrong! Hopefully its her first day and someone tells her soon...
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Poor person who got cheated out of two bagels.
We weren't talking about one kid for a sleepover, we were talking about birthday parties @MommaBean Im pretty sure nobody is going to insist the whole class sleeps over, you are comparing apples and oranges. I think the policy is a good thing. Also, if money is tight, just have a BBQ party at a park. So you have to buy a couple more hot dogs, maybe a Costco sheet cake. Or don't invite anyone from school.
In re: the party discussion, I think a lot of what happens is some keeping up with the Joneses BS. Do people need to take ALL of their kid's friends to, like, Six Flags? No school is going to get mad if you take two or three kids to the aquarium for the day and call it a birthday. But people throw these over-the-top blowouts for their kids, so of course they can't afford to host 25 kids. I really do sympathize with space and weather concerns, but there are always ways to make a kid's birthday special without hosting an entire spectacle.
This is such an interesting discussion and I really appreciate the variety of opinions. For me, I'd rather spend a few extra bucks or make my kid pare down his or her expectations before excluding kids because of expense.
My older kids will be in second grade next year and we have never invited the whole class. The rule is that the school will only let you put them in bookbags if you invite the whole class, or all the boys or all the girls. I don't think schools are assuming every parent is hosting 25 kids at a birthday party. That is crazy expensive, especially if you already have cousins, neighbors or family friends with kids. We mail out our invites or invite through parents we know. We have a birthday treat at school.
I worried about this a lot before school started, but honestly, they have only been invited to a handful of parties each. I don't think it's as huge of a deal as it seems like it could be. I absolutely get the awfulness described above, or if one child is being excluded or left out. That would be awful.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
I think the initial comment that struck me as really unfair was the child (I forget which PP at this point) that couldn't invite one friend from school to a small family party. That is a pretty different scenario from what the discussion evolved into. I think in principle I do agree with most that excluding smaller groups from within a class is very wrong. I won't do it for my kid and I don't think anyone else should either. I see the value behind these types of policies, especially as someone who was frequently excluded and teased in late-elementary and middle school.
I do think, however, that even though most or all of us in this conversation can and will pare down expectations, simplify, or pay more to accommodate the full class, doesn't mean there aren't families for whom the difference between $25 for cake and soda for 12 and $50 for cake and soda for 25 isn't a pretty big deal. Maybe my view is tainted by where I live, but it is what it is. That's why I like the flexibility of the "all boys" or "no more than 1 or 2" options. It's not my personal scenario, but it keeps popping into my head in this conversation, which I agree has been very interesting!
Re: Weekly Randoms (7/18)
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
my school did not have the "you must invite everyone" rule. so i was invited to some parties. and i wasn't invited to some parties. and i grew up to be a normal human being.
and you know what. as an adult, i get invited to some "parties", and i don't get invited to some "parties". and i can just deal with it and not care. i learned that skill when i was 7.
** December BMB Siggy Challenge - Animals in Pools **
Me: 31+ H: 32
TTC Since 11/2015
#1 - MMC 6.5 weeks (2/16); #2 - MC due to cystic hygroma at 20 weeks (10/16); #3 CP (2/17); #4 - Due 12.16.17
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
Hope everyone is doing ok and feeling a little better!
Today he was being an ass, so I bought new boots. Gotta talk his language
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
https://www.emilywrites.co.nz/i-saw-tarzan-and-this-is-my-review-after-some-wines/
I moved around a ton as a kid, and I was the new kid in school for the last time in the third grade. One Monday, all the girls in my class came in wearing matching... necklaces or something that they'd gotten at one of the girls' birthday parties that weekend. When I figured out that I'd been the only girl who wasn't invited to the party, I was heartbroken. I felt completely left out. I felt like I'd been left out on purpose. I have no idea if that's really the case because, hi, I was eight years old, and I got over it, and I made a lot of friends and went to more parties than I could ever count. But I cried my eyes out when I got home that day. I had never felt so alone.
The rule about birthday party invitations isn't so that "everyone gets a trophy." It's so that the lonely kids aren't left out of things, whether maliciously or inadvertently, because children can be mean and parents can be complicit. It's so that kids who spend every day together have a level playing field in at least one tiny aspect of their social lives. It's so that there isn't some eight-year-old holding back tears on a playground somewhere as she figures out that she's all alone in a crowd.
Everything is a big deal when you're little. Think about the stupid shit that toddlers throw tantrums about, or the minutiae that embarrasses a teenager. The world is huge and bright and confusing to a kid, and it doesn't hurt adults to make this planet a little more welcoming for children.
________________________________________________________
Started TTC #1 November 2015
BFP 6/10/2016 - EDD 2/22/2017
bullying can cause ptsd, it is not about trophies. it is about not being an asshole.
It wasn't until probably HS that I came into my own.
If we do parties, we will invite everyone whether it's a rule or not. Maybe that invitation will be the thing that gets a kid accepted into the crowd, maybe it will just make them happy to be invited.
I would rather spend a few more dollars than hurt a child's feelings.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
I think I more just don't like when schools have the "all or nothing mentality." A lot of the schools in my area now and where I'm from now have a policy where it's not just a "you can't pass out invites at school unless it's everyone" policy, it's an "everyone must be invited and if the school finds out you have a party when only some kids are invited you get a call from the principal." That means for some families, because they can't have a birthday party for their child plus a few close friends and the big parties for 30+ kids is too expensive, the child gets no birthday party.
And @Gretchypoo - that is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry your cousin is dealing with that. That's beyond not fair, that is cruel. In a perfect world, the school and parents would stand up and recognize the kids who are doing that and step in to prevent it. Although I know that's not how it works in the real world. I hope it gets better for her. That's heartbreaking and no one deserves to be treated like that.
** December BMB Siggy Challenge - Animals in Pools **
Me: 31+ H: 32
TTC Since 11/2015
#1 - MMC 6.5 weeks (2/16); #2 - MC due to cystic hygroma at 20 weeks (10/16); #3 CP (2/17); #4 - Due 12.16.17
I'm not talking about inviting all but one or two kids like some of you seem to be - that's terrible and those parents should have known better. I'm talking about my son invited 2 kids from his class of 27 and 2 other kids he plays with at recess. Does that make us assholes? Because it's more than just "a little more money" to invite 20+ more kids and the "chaos" of having that many 6 or 7 yr olds at a pool party is also a major safety concern.
If if you have the means and intend to host MOST of the class, then yes, you should invite everyone rather than excluding a few. But I don't think it has to be all or nothing and a kid can't invite his best friend for a sleepover unless he invites everyone just so no one feels left out.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
I'm going into work late today, so I got a little curious and started researching birthday party options in my city, which has a lot of poverty in many neighborhoods combined with rising rents and COL. Average elementary class size is 22-25. In an article about "affordable birthday parties in ___________" I found one place where you could do it for $175, plus cake. All of the others had surcharges over 12-15 kids that would bring the total to $300-$400. We can definitely budget for this, and gladly will, but it could be really tough for many others in our city. If you could get two lanes at a pool for an hour for $50, and then just bring in the cake, that would be so much more palatable for families on a very tight budget.
I love the idea of hosting at home, but that will probably be out for us since it'll be a winter birthday. We don't have a good indoor space for the whole class.
Jack gained his wings on 09/02/2016.
Kali gained her wings on 07/28/2015.
They will be forever missed.
Panera Lady: "Okay, thats 12 bagels, so which one do you want me to put back for the deal?"
Customer: "Oh... I thought I had one more..."
PL: "No, 6.99 for 11 bagels."
C: "Oh okay, I thought it was 6.99 for a baker's dozen"
PL: "It is. A baker's dozen is 11. Because the baker takes one for himself. Get it?"
C: "Yeah........"
And she rang her up and off she went. I swore the sign said 13, I swore a baker's dozen was 13. I googled it and Panera Lady was wrong! Hopefully its her first day and someone tells her soon...
Im pretty sure nobody is going to insist the whole class sleeps over, you are comparing apples and oranges.
I think the policy is a good thing.
Also, if money is tight, just have a BBQ party at a park. So you have to buy a couple more hot dogs, maybe a Costco sheet cake.
Or don't invite anyone from school.
In re: the party discussion, I think a lot of what happens is some keeping up with the Joneses BS. Do people need to take ALL of their kid's friends to, like, Six Flags? No school is going to get mad if you take two or three kids to the aquarium for the day and call it a birthday. But people throw these over-the-top blowouts for their kids, so of course they can't afford to host 25 kids. I really do sympathize with space and weather concerns, but there are always ways to make a kid's birthday special without hosting an entire spectacle.
This is such an interesting discussion and I really appreciate the variety of opinions. For me, I'd rather spend a few extra bucks or make my kid pare down his or her expectations before excluding kids because of expense.
________________________________________________________
Started TTC #1 November 2015
BFP 6/10/2016 - EDD 2/22/2017
I worried about this a lot before school started, but honestly, they have only been invited to a handful of parties each. I don't think it's as huge of a deal as it seems like it could be. I absolutely get the awfulness described above, or if one child is being excluded or left out. That would be awful.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
I do think, however, that even though most or all of us in this conversation can and will pare down expectations, simplify, or pay more to accommodate the full class, doesn't mean there aren't families for whom the difference between $25 for cake and soda for 12 and $50 for cake and soda for 25 isn't a pretty big deal. Maybe my view is tainted by where I live, but it is what it is. That's why I like the flexibility of the "all boys" or "no more than 1 or 2" options. It's not my personal scenario, but it keeps popping into my head in this conversation, which I agree has been very interesting!