The Visitor Plan for L&D

strickland8052 · April 2016

Hey guys! It is probably early to discuss this, but it came up a little in the hospital tour thread and I'd like to know what others are doing. What are your plans in terms of who you want in the room while you are in labor, pushing, after baby is born, etc.

I don't know how I will feel in the moment, but the current plan is to not tell anyone until I'm admitted to the hospital. I imagine that I would then want Just DH with me during labor.... Maybe my mom at times, especially if DH needs a break. For pushing, birth, and the first hour or two after birth, I want it to just be DH, me, and baby.

My parents live about 3 hours away, but I'm an only child and I know they would get here in a split second as soon as they find out I'm in labor. Based on a convo my mom and I had on doulas, I get the impression that they think they both (my mom and dad) are going to be in the room the entire time..... Ummmm... No! I want to politely tell them in advance what the plan is so they have time to get used to it and get over it. I think there will be hurt feelings, but if we wait to tell them until day of it will be much worse. I don't think the "blame it on the hospital" trick would be good for our situation either. Knowing my parents, they would flip out on the hospital staff and freak out, thinking that I actually did want them there. I don't want to put them through that or the hospital staff through that. Any advice on breaking it to my parents? I'm not big on birth plans, but I would like to come up with a visitor plan to share with everyone in advance so everyone is on the same page. Once the initial sting is over, I think my parents will see that it is best.

(BTW - we don't have this prob with in laws.... They are the total opposite and probably would be fine with waiting until a month after baby is born, even though they live in town and it's their first grandchild too.)

zoe2711 · April 2016

Hey strickland8052, I think you're taking exactly the right approach in managing everyone's expectations early. In my opinion, it's really important to a labouring woman's state of mind that she's happy about who's in the room with her so as not to inhibit labour. I'm planning to have my husband in the room, he was rubbish last time so I hope he'll be more helpful but it was comforting to know he was there. He's not very keen, but I don't particularly want to be there either, so tough luck!

celette482 · April 2016

I'd let them know ahead of time too. Sooner rather than later, so that they can deal with their feelings. I also wouldn't mention that you think you might want your mom there for some of the time, at least not yet. Sometimes people hear the part of the news that they want to hear, and I'd be worried that super excited first time grandparents will hear "I want mom to be there" and not so much "but not during actual birth, only as relief for DH"

I have kinda the opposite problem? My mother in law lives across the country and she announced "I'll come for a month around your due date." (She did this with my brother-in-law's two children, so it's not entirely unexpected?) and my parents had been planning a trip to France in October with friends and their friends were horrified that they (my parents) were even thinking about going. My mom figured I wouldn't want a lot of hovering.

I still haven't figured out how I feel about m-i-l. I don't know her that well, frankly, due to distance, but she's generally a practical person and she has the most recent newborn experience out of anyone we know (my b-i-l has a 6 month old and a 2 year old). My instincts say that since we're fairly new in town and hours away from any family, it'll be nice to have a set of hands for those last/first weeks. But that's a lot of visiting. Makes it all the more important that we get a house bought (I can't imagine guests for a month in my 1000 sq ft apartment)

PCOSbaby · April 2016

I'll be following this thread for suggestions.

I had an emergency surgery three weeks ago and EVERYONE came to the hospital. We're talking over 10 ppl in my room. They stayed for hours and I was exhausted. All I wanted was to be alone with DH however I didn't want to be rude.

Based on that experience I don't want ANY visitors however, I know that's unrealistic. My hope is to combine suggestions from everyone here and develop a visiting plan to share in advance.

missmaehurt · April 2016

Originally I only wanted DH and the birth photographer there, but my dad asked if he could be there as well. I feel like at that time I'm not really going to care, but that's definitely going to be the limit on who's coming in the room. I'm my dad's only child and it'll be his first grandchild so I thought it would be a sweet thing to have the photographer capture him with lil bean for the first time. Everyone else that asks I'll be politely telling them that I would feel more comfortable if they visit after baby is born.

BoyMom44 · April 2016

You should check your hospital rules before stressing. The first hospital I delivered at had a 1 coach (usually dad) only policy. My second hospital was different.

BoyMom44 · April 2016

strickland8052 said:

Hey guys! It is probably early to discuss this, but it came up a little in the hospital tour thread and I'd like to know what others are doing. What are your plans in terms of who you want in the room while you are in labor, pushing, after baby is born, etc.

I don't know how I will feel in the moment, but the current plan is to not tell anyone until I'm admitted to the hospital. I imagine that I would then want Just DH with me during labor.... Maybe my mom at times, especially if DH needs a break. For pushing, birth, and the first hour or two after birth, I want it to just be DH, me, and baby.

My parents live about 3 hours away, but I'm an only child and I know they would get here in a split second as soon as they find out I'm in labor. Based on a convo my mom and I had on doulas, I get the impression that they think they both (my mom and dad) are going to be in the room the entire time..... Ummmm... No! I want to politely tell them in advance what the plan is so they have time to get used to it and get over it. I think there will be hurt feelings, but if we wait to tell them until day of it will be much worse. I don't think the "blame it on the hospital" trick would be good for our situation either. Knowing my parents, they would flip out on the hospital staff and freak out, thinking that I actually did want them there. I don't want to put them through that or the hospital staff through that. Any advice on breaking it to my parents? I'm not big on birth plans, but I would like to come up with a visitor plan to share with everyone in advance so everyone is on the same page. Once the initial sting is over, I think my parents will see that it is best.

(BTW - we don't have this prob with in laws.... They are the total opposite and probably would be fine with waiting until a month after baby is born, even though they live in town and it's their first grandchild too.)

You have to worry about your feelings and not your parents. It's not ok with them to be mad that you don't want them there. I love my dad, but I cannot imagine him being at my delivery with my vagina on display (with a spotlight on it none the less). It's your body and experience, no one else's. You just need to say now, "DH and I will be the only ones in l&d, once we are settled we will start taking visitors after he or she is born."

kmalls · April 2016

nataliemaephotography said:

Originally I only wanted DH and the birth photographer there, but my dad asked if he could be there as well. I feel like at that time I'm not really going to care, but that's definitely going to be the limit on who's coming in the room. I'm my dad's only child and it'll be his first grandchild so I thought it would be a sweet thing to have the photographer capture him with lil bean for the first time. Everyone else that asks I'll be politely telling them that I would feel more comfortable if they visit after baby is born.

I would hesitate to assume this. For what it's worth, I definitely did care who was in the room as I was laboring and giving birth. It's such an intense and (in my opinion) intimate experience that I would have felt super distracted by anyone other than my husband. There's plenty of time to get pictures of your loved ones (or just your dad) holding the baby for the first time -- I don't necessarily think any person holding the baby DIRECTLY after birth is totally necessary, unless you really want him there for other reasons, of course.

Blonde1817 · April 2016

I would definitely only want DH in the room for the birth. Of course he is super squeamish about medical stuff, and if it was up to him he would wait in the lobby 1950's style! But I also think the only thing he knows about birth is things he's seem in movies, I know he'll be a good support. He's more steady and logical in tough situations and I'm more emotional. A few months ago I had to go to the ER to get stitches and I was all worst case scenario, while he was much more realistic. And guess what, the worst case scenario definitely did not happen, as usual!

My in-laws live three hours away and my parents are a two hour flight away. I'm betting if I'm past my due date, my mom might just fly in before I go into labor. l love my mom to death, but I would not want her actually in the room. She's a very anxious person and I think I react to her by getting more anxious than I would normally be. For instance, in the aforementioned stitches situation, I called her and she said I should insist on having a plastic surgeon do the stitches (small cut on my face). Of course the ER won't call one in for something like that, so I was freaking out that my face would be all scarred up. I don't think that would be great during labor! My MIL is very calm and sweet, but I would feel uncomfortable with her being there for everything. So definitely just me and DH!

btsrc5 · April 2016

I cannot imagine having parents in l&d. I am very fortunate that I had very quick labors with my first two. I suspect this one will be the same. I had DH and my sister, who was my birth photographer for both. Neither my parents or my ILs asked to be there (thank goodness). ILs came shortly after birth and my parents came a day or two later. L&D is painful and can be stressful- you need to do what is right for you and your baby. If you are really close to your parents and want them there, then great. Otherwise, make sure to communicate ahead of time that you plan on just having DH and that you would appreciate them respecting your wishes. Also I recommend expressing when you would like them to visit (they can wait in the waiting room and come in as soon as baby is delivered, not for a couple hours, or not until the next day, etc). Setting those expectations is so important because when the time comes, the last thing you want to worry about is dealing with people doing things you don't want them doing. It is YOUR birth. It is ok if others don't like your plan.

My issue was with visitor's. I did not want visitors in the hospital, especially unannounced. My husband's family (aunts, cousins, etc) liked to show up unannounced and it INFURIATED me. I just wanted to be able to bond with my babies and focus on breastfeeding. I was too scared to get up from my bed because I was nervous there would be blood all on my bed pad and was too embarrassed for a guest to see it. I felt like I couldn't feed my baby when I wanted to. It was horrible. So remember to set expectations ahead of time about visitors too.

PeggyOlsonFTW · April 2016

My rule for who can be present at the birth has been and always will be this: If you were not there for the conception, you will not be there for the birth. (I always joke that maybe the dog can attend.) That shuts everyone down pretty quickly and adds a little humor to the situation.

minnemiska · April 2016

PeggyOlsonFTW said:

My rule for who can be present at the birth has been and always will be this: If you were not there for the conception, you will not be there for the birth. (I always joke that maybe the dog can attend.) That shuts everyone down pretty quickly and adds a little humor to the situation.

That's fantastic and I'm totally stealing this if necessary. I am putting my husband in charge of dealing with unwanted visitors. He is way calmer and more diplomatic than I am about these things. No one in the delivery room but him for sure, though I can't imagine our parents wanting to be there.

emmaaa · April 2016

We plan to let parents know when I go into labor and am admitted into the hospital. Ideally, I want it to just be DH and I during that time. However, depending on how long I'm in labor, I may be okay to have family come in before I'm pushing. We have made it clear to the family that they can wait in the hospital as long as they want (and the hospital permits) but not to expect to come in the room until after the baby is born. I think you are making the right steps to get your parents to understand how you feel NOW rather than later.

mrszoess · April 2016

I want my parents to be at the hospital but not quite in the room, my mom maybe but my dad it's weird lol

mothernorth · April 2016

I would definitely lay down the law on who will be in there during labor and delivery in advance. For whatever reason, with my LO, my step mother was under the impression that she and my father (who honestly didn't want to see 'that side of me' anyway) would be staying to watch... NO. She also at one point closed FI out of the room while the nurse was checking me, which set us both off pretty damn quick needless to say, so we got our points across right then and there. I guess it wouldn't have been such a huge deal if FI and I weren't so exhausted from such a long labor, but step mom kept trying to call all of the shots and that had to be put to an end. My dad got the hint, said he was tired and needed sleep, and made her leave with him. God bless that man haha

ammiddleton3 · April 2016

It took having a child, to know what I want in subsequent deliveries. While in labor, if family want to stop in and wish us well for a few MINUTES then fine. But nobody will be camped out in my room the whole time. It is too much pressure. I want it to just be hubby and I! I am doing hypnobabies this time too. So the less distractions the better. DS will be going to the inlaws most likely. So that takes care of them. My mom will act hurt, but she will just have to get over it. My sister totally understands and supports whatever I want! I'm not really worried about anybody but my mom though!

smmatt08 · April 2016

I have a dumb, FTM question: How do you make sure your requests are known by your doctor and nurses? Is there a "labor and delivery checklist" that your doctor's office gives you and you fill out?

PeggyOlsonFTW · April 2016

smmatt08 said:

I have a dumb, FTM question: How do you make sure your requests are known by your doctor and nurses? Is there a "labor and delivery checklist" that your doctor's office gives you and you fill out?

You can write out a birth plan and give the nurses a copy.

MRSCORKER · April 2016

PeggyOlsonFTW said:

My rule for who can be present at the birth has been and always will be this: If you were not there for the conception, you will not be there for the birth. (I always joke that maybe the dog can attend.) That shuts everyone down pretty quickly and adds a little humor to the situation.

This. I don't want anyone anywhere near me while I'm in labor except for DH and medical professionals. We probably won't even tell anyone I'm in labor and will just let them know once baby is here and we're comfortable taking visitors.

ignoscemihi · April 2016

PeggyOlsonFTW said:

smmatt08 said:

I have a dumb, FTM question: How do you make sure your requests are known by your doctor and nurses? Is there a "labor and delivery checklist" that your doctor's office gives you and you fill out?

You can write out a birth plan and give the nurses a copy.

You could probably also just tell the L&D nurse when he or she introduces him or herself (or have your partner do it if you're distracted/in pain). I think they're pretty used to these requests and they tend to be pretty assertive.

queen_frostine · April 2016

I don't know what my parents or in-laws expect (though I doubt any of them thinks they will be in the room for the delivery!) Some people are comforted by the presence of loved ones - I don't want anyone around if I don't feel well. So - no one during labor or delivery. And afterward there's like an hour or so where you do skin-to-skin and establish breastfeeding, so no one during that either. And maybe I'd want to sleep then, or shower, or something? So I think maybe visitors on the next day (or depending on the timing, several hours after delivery), and even then only our parents and siblings. I understand "yay baby" but for most people, they can just see the pictures on Facebook, they don't need to get up in my space and touch my new precious treasure.

booksandicecream · April 2016

Family members want to WATCH the birth?! I hadn't even considered this!
Luckily none of my family lives on my continent (and I am already seeing all of them in Dec) so that won't be an issue, but I never even considered whether the in-laws would want to be there... I also have a DH who would rather wait in the lobby but I have already informed him that that is not an option. It may be nice to have MIL "on call" in case he becomes totally useless or agitated - they live less than 30 minutes from the hospital so that would be ok if I feel like I need female companionship but I think I'd rather give birth completely alone than with a roomful of people watching!
Thanks all for sharing your experiences - now I am definitely going to lay down some ground rules just in case!!

kmalls · April 2016

smmatt08 said:

I have a dumb, FTM question: How do you make sure your requests are known by your doctor and nurses? Is there a "labor and delivery checklist" that your doctor's office gives you and you fill out?

@smmatt08 - my OB's office gives us a sheet that explains their standard birth plan (walking as much as possible until an epidural is requested, no episiotomy unless an emergency situation calls for it, etc) and there's a space for us to write any additional birth plan requests as well (if it diverges from their standard plan). There's also a very clear space to write who is allowed in the room during labor. That paper is copied and faxed to the hospital so the staff there have it from the moment you walk in the door.

nsquaredlife13 · April 2016

Whatever any of you decide, just remember the first few hours are immensely important for bonding with your little love. You should only have to focus on him or her and not entertaining your families, or introducing your little love to them. My hospital has a no visitor rule for the first two hours after baby is born and they have a golden hour the first hour where no hospital staff can come disturb you (emergency aside). It's so so so important for you to get that time with your new baby.

When DS was born, my mom got there around the 2 hour mark but she was so sweet and only stayed a few minutes. She met her grandson and let me snuggle with him and then she was on her way. She of course came back the next day and got all the loving in she wanted with him, but it was so nice to have that time with just the three of us. I was very upfront with everyone that I didn't want any visitors until we were home. We're lucky in this respect because we have small family and they live locally, but I think it's super important to tell your long distance family members what your policy is in advance.

Kaytee1087 · April 2016

I'm definitely following this for help with wording, etc... With DD I had an unplanned c-section at 34 weeks because of my preeclampsia, so I have zero experience in the L&D department. I didn't mind having guests after my c-section because I couldn't see DD right away (we were separated for about 8 hours) so the company was a nice distraction.

My mom can be kind of overbearing sometimes, especially when she thinks DH isn’t doing something right. She tends to want to push him out and do it her way, so as much as I love my mom, I don’t think I want her in L&D. That’s not say people can’t come to the waiting room. I don’t think I’ll care about that. It’ll be a place for DH to take a break if he needs to, and some people just can’t stay away anyway. MIL is nuts and can't sit still, so no way do I want her in the room. If I tell her that, though, she'll be totally understanding, which is the opposite of my mom. My mom will be offended, but try to play it off like she's not and then just get awkward...

Plan for us right now is to hire a doula. They’re an extra hand for DH and I; someone to focus on our needs only, someone who doesn’t have other patients on the floor to worry about or anything. I’m hoping maybe she can help be a gatekeeper of sorts, too, to help keep family out and that takes some of the weight off of DH, too.

LizaKate1213 · April 2016

With DS my DH, mother and sister were there the entire time. DH's family (his parents, brother and sister) all were allowed in to see me after I had my epidural. It helped to distract me and pass the time. My dad eventually showed up too. When I felt things moving I kicked everyone out except my DH, mom and sister. I am so happy to have had them there. The problem came after delivery...I wanted to clean up and bond with DS but everyone had stayed in the waiting room. I was basically pressured by everyone, even DH, to let them in. I remember being mortified because the floor and my hospital gown had blood all over them because I had hemorrhaged. They only stayed briefly but I was really mad. This time I don't want anyone waiting in the waiting room. I want time to clean up, bond, then we will invite visitors when we are ready.

mariefox16 · April 2016

PILs will be out of town for the birth (it's MIL's 60th birthday, and they've had the vacation planned for a long time) so no worries there.

My family and I don't have the best relationship (looooooong story), so I probably won't tell them until after the baby is born.

I like the idea of not having visitors until we're home and will probably stick to that.

sadeathe · April 2016

It'll just be my husband in the delivery room. I was on fire (so hot that my whole body was flushed red) during my last delivery and completely naked as I gave birth. I don't want anyone but him and medical professionals to see that. I would be self conscious if someone else were there.

F47 · April 2016

celette482 said:

I'd let them know ahead of time too. Sooner rather than later, so that they can deal with their feelings. I also wouldn't mention that you think you might want your mom there for some of the time, at least not yet. Sometimes people hear the part of the news that they want to hear, and I'd be worried that super excited first time grandparents will hear "I want mom to be there" and not so much "but not during actual birth, only as relief for DH"

I have kinda the opposite problem? My mother in law lives across the country and she announced "I'll come for a month around your due date." (She did this with my brother-in-law's two children, so it's not entirely unexpected?) and my parents had been planning a trip to France in October with friends and their friends were horrified that they (my parents) were even thinking about going. My mom figured I wouldn't want a lot of hovering.

I still haven't figured out how I feel about m-i-l. I don't know her that well, frankly, due to distance, but she's generally a practical person and she has the most recent newborn experience out of anyone we know (my b-i-l has a 6 month old and a 2 year old). My instincts say that since we're fairly new in town and hours away from any family, it'll be nice to have a set of hands for those last/first weeks. But that's a lot of visiting. Makes it all the more important that we get a house bought (I can't imagine guests for a month in my 1000 sq ft apartment)

My mother-in-law lives in the UK and planned a trip for around my due date with DS1. The way it ended up, she arrived the day after we got home from the hospital, and was there for 9 days (staying in our house).

I was was kind of dreading it (even though I love my MIL), but it was fantastic. She was such a big help. Held baby while I showered if DH was busy, cooked us dinner every night (God love her), got up in the middle of the night with me and baby if I wanted help/company, encouraged me to nap, etc. She also made trips to the store with DH for baby things we needed in a pinch. I couldn't praise her enough, and I'm hoping she decides to come in this time around. Especially to help with my 2 yr. old.

Just a positive perspective for you. (Although 9 days is different than 1 month)...

TurtleMomma · April 2016

With DS I planned to have DH and my mother there (my dad by proxy because he'd be driving). My MIL ended up coming to the hospital but I kicked her ass out when it was time for the birth. DS was taken to the NICU immediately after birth so I didn't get that bonding time. On his way to the NICU with DS, DH asked if MIL could hold DS and I told him hell no, nobody holds my son before me. After that, we only had 2 other visitors because of the NICU arrangement, which was 1000% fine with me.

This time around we'll be at a birth center and they only keep you for a few hours after birth so we'll just plan for visitors 2-3 days later. For the birth itself, I'm planning for DH and my friend/birth photographer and possibly a doula. I have a feeling that I'm going to want to be left alone.

Best advice is to iron out any and all details in advance, leave no room for miscommunications.

nlane0723 · April 2016

DH will be in the room. He will probably be the only person in the room (other than our photog) because twins get delivered in the operating room. My in-laws and SIL's will probably be there before and after. My mom will be there whenever she gets a flight (lives in MI).

westcoastfoodie · April 2016

**Possible TW**

I always thought I wanted my mom in the delivery room with me, and she was when I delivered and lost our son. I loved that she was there for that, because I wanted the extra support and we hadn't had a chance to do any birthing classes or anything. This time though I think I just want DH. My mom can hang out with me during labor but as soon as they take me in to the deliver room she can wait and I know she'll understand. Everyone else can wait until after he's born.

katlarissa · April 2016

At my son's birth, my husband, mama, and both my older sisters were with me. (Our hospital had a 2 person limit, but they're super family friendly and told me that as long as family didn't cause issues or drama they wouldn't ask anyone to leave who I wanted present. My OB is my sisters' gyno as well as mine so he knew them and was fine with them being there.)
I'm very close to my mama and sisters, so I couldn't imagine having my baby without them. They were so encouraging and knew when to cheer while I pushed and when to hang back and let me have space. After the birth one of my sisters took the pictures I wanted of me and my husband with the baby and then they quietly slipped away so we could have some us time. It was perfect to me, but obviously not everybody has that type of family relationship.
Just wanted to share my experience, since it was a happy one. I totally get women wanting just themselves and their husbands in the room, but I wanted more and it turned out well.

jkmix21 · April 2016

Something to think about... Flu season. I had my son in Nobember of 2010 and nobody except grandparents (up to two) were allowed because of flu besides your partner. Which worked out since that turned out to be more than enough.

It may make it easier to turn away visitors

UponAStar16 · April 2016

I will only be having DH with me during the delivery, and I do plan to make sure everyone relevant is aware of that but I don't expect any issues. If anyone had an issue with it, they would need to explain why they think it's appropriate for them to see a baby popping out of my ripped open vagina (IF that's the delivery route) when they wouldn't be asking to see my vagina on any other day that I didn't want them to. In terms of visitors, it will depend how I feel but we will let people know if they can go ahead and visit at the hospital or should wait a few days until we get settled in at home

SuperNerd42 · April 2016

With DD I had my DH, mom, and MIL there for laboring, but just DH for delivery. I loved the extra support, and that I had company and help when DH would sneak out for a meal (or just a breather- it's a long day!) I really hope it works out that way again. I'm very fortunate that both my mom and MIL respect my space and privacy. I'm a very introverted person, so they gave me good space but were happy to help out.

We had some family duck in that evening, but everyone was content to visit for a few minutes then scoot along.

mrsman2018 · April 2016

My mom has said for years that she will be in the delivery room when I have a baby. She was there for all three of my sister's babies and just assumed she would be there for mine. She brought it up at Easter and I told her that only my husband is going to be in the delivery room and that we want a few hours alone afterwards, and we would call when the baby is born. I thought she was going to be more upset than she was. I am glad she was fine with it. The choice is yours and your husband's, so don't feel bad.

coffee89 · April 2016

My mom and dad were both there for labor. I was with just DH for the first 12 hours, then they came and rotated who was in the room with me for the next 18 or so. We ended up in c -section so they got a snack while we did our thing and after we got out of recovery (just DH and I for 45 minutes) they came for about 20 minutes then we were completely alone until we came home. If I had pushes, I would have kicked everyone but DH out.

This time, my parents are taking our son and MIL still has no interest in coming to the hospital at any point so it will just be us and possibly a dula. My son will be the first one to meet the baby some time after I feel semi-rested. I'm kind of excited to have it just be us, and I liked that no one even came by to visit last time.

Blonde1817 · April 2016

I didn't even think about wanting a few hours after the birth to bond and get cleaned up before people come in. Good to know your perspectives on that!

aesthyerin · April 2016

Last time I only had Dh in the labor room and parents in the waiting room. This time it will be Dh and doula. Parents will be taking care of my daughter.

I I want to limit after visitors this time. It was way too crazy in the room and kind of awkward. I'm hoping everyone will give us some space and visit when we are home.

anna.oskar · April 2016

We're (my doctor and I) fairly sure I'll have a c-section, so I won't have to deal with who is in the delivery room although I definitely would only want my H. We've decided that having visitors at the hospital is a good thing so we're planning on inviting everyone up (hospital rules willing) for their regulated peek at the baby. Unlike at home, the nurses will help make sure nobody stays too long, and everyone can get a good look before we go home to a week alone. No visitors, just up figuring out our baby/sleep/chores/etc.

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