Ok...I got tired of reading hateful and rude replies, so I am just gonna toss this out here and take off. The whole Etiquette excuse is insane. Most etiquette does not cross cultural boundaries, and what is considered polite in one area of the world is a horrible faux pas somewhere else.
For example, I don't have local friends. I am a horrible social introvert, the nearest family I have is over 200 miles away, DH family is on the other side of the country, and most of the people I talk to are online. That being said, I have friends from all over the world. At least some of which have suggested I throw an online shower for myself. Now, that is so not even the plan, for multiple reasons, but primarily it is difficult to work around everyone's time zones and schedules. But apparently this is not only normal, but completely expected in some parts of the world. It is not considered a "gift", it is just something that you do to get help from your friends.
All that being said, if you want to throw yourself a shower, hey, go for it. Try not to be pushy, but it is ok to ask for help when you need it. If you don't want to throw yourself a shower, no BFD, don't. Maybe you will luck out and someone else will step in and do it, maybe not. Maybe your family will help out in any way they can, maybe not. Maybe you should grow up, put on your big girl panties, and stop judging everyone against your standards and your ideals, because I can guarantee that no matter what flag you wave that under, it is going to upset someone. This thread turned into an inflammatory hatefest.
As for the whole "If no one is throwing you a shower, you have done something wrong so that people don't like you" that line makes me madder than anything. Some of us just have problems interacting with people, some of us have PTSD and just can't deal well with social situations. We may have good intentions, but that does not translate into being a social butterfly and having lots of friends. We may even send gifts to every event we get asked to, even if we can't go. Some of us, in fact, cringe at the idea of a baby shower just because we can't deal with large groups of people. Whatever the situation, it is a personal choice and not something that should be shamed for being "improper".
If you need help affording stuff, but your family can't assist you, fine, ask for help, throw yourself a shower, but don't be pushy. If you are lucky enough that you don't need help, but your family wants to do something nice, Great!! Let them throw you a shower. But seriously, please stop being hateful, even if we are not a "unique little snowflake", every situation is different, every person is different, and what you may think of as a horrible thing may be completely normal to someone else. Personally, I hate sushi, I am not going to stop anyone else from having it.
You say that asking for help is fine, but to not be pushy. Throwing your own shower is pushy. If you truly need help, put the word out that you are looking for baby items that anyone is willing to donate. People who are invited to a shower will feel obligated to bring a gift. Don't put people in that uncomfortable position.
Ok...I got tired of reading hateful and rude replies, so I am just gonna toss this out here and take off. The whole Etiquette excuse is insane. Most etiquette does not cross cultural boundaries, and what is considered polite in one area of the world is a horrible faux pas somewhere else.
For example, I don't have local friends. I am a horrible social introvert, the nearest family I have is over 200 miles away, DH family is on the other side of the country, and most of the people I talk to are online. That being said, I have friends from all over the world. At least some of which have suggested I throw an online shower for myself. Now, that is so not even the plan, for multiple reasons, but primarily it is difficult to work around everyone's time zones and schedules. But apparently this is not only normal, but completely expected in some parts of the world. It is not considered a "gift", it is just something that you do to get help from your friends.
All that being said, if you want to throw yourself a shower, hey, go for it. Try not to be pushy, but it is ok to ask for help when you need it. If you don't want to throw yourself a shower, no BFD, don't. Maybe you will luck out and someone else will step in and do it, maybe not. Maybe your family will help out in any way they can, maybe not. Maybe you should grow up, put on your big girl panties, and stop judging everyone against your standards and your ideals, because I can guarantee that no matter what flag you wave that under, it is going to upset someone. This thread turned into an inflammatory hatefest.
As for the whole "If no one is throwing you a shower, you have done something wrong so that people don't like you" that line makes me madder than anything. Some of us just have problems interacting with people, some of us have PTSD and just can't deal well with social situations. We may have good intentions, but that does not translate into being a social butterfly and having lots of friends. We may even send gifts to every event we get asked to, even if we can't go. Some of us, in fact, cringe at the idea of a baby shower just because we can't deal with large groups of people. Whatever the situation, it is a personal choice and not something that should be shamed for being "improper".
If you need help affording stuff, but your family can't assist you, fine, ask for help, throw yourself a shower, but don't be pushy. If you are lucky enough that you don't need help, but your family wants to do something nice, Great!! Let them throw you a shower. But seriously, please stop being hateful, even if we are not a "unique little snowflake", every situation is different, every person is different, and what you may think of as a horrible thing may be completely normal to someone else. Personally, I hate sushi, I am not going to stop anyone else from having it.
To the first bolded statement: Nope. Wrong. Etiquette is not an excuse. Etiquette is a customary code of polite behavior in society. As was previously stated, it is consistent, inflexible, and not subject to opinion. It is meant to be universally applied across different circumstances, regions, and cultures, etc.
To the second bolded statement: No one on this board said that. What was said was 'If no one offers to throw you a shower (for whatever reason), then you just don't have a shower. Simple as that. It's not a right of pregnancy. It's a gift.' You chose to take that personally, that's not on us.
To the rest of your post: Maybe you need to put on your big girl panties and accept that Etiquette is real, even if you don't care about it. Fool yourself all you want into thinking it's not rude to throw yourself a gift-giving party, but that's exactly what it is. Rude. It's not asking for help either... that would sound more like "I need help, do you have any baby/child hand me downs that you can spare?" not "I'm throwing myself a party, here's my registry!" See the difference?
We're not being hateful either. We're just telling the truth. This is real information and this is also a board that deals mainly with questions of Etiquette. We're not making this stuff up to hurt others, we're just sharing the knowledge we have to answer questions being asked here... if you, and other ladies who don't care about Etiquette, don't want to hear it then why do you ask? Seriously, you are the one getting bent out of shape over this, not us.
I generally agree with most of the etiquette stuff on here and I agree throwing your own shower is tacky, but the above statement that etiquette is universal no matter what is ethnocentric nonsense. The etiquette you speak of was designed and written generally by American or British people with the aim of ensuring the comfort of their guests. It was not meant to be, nor can it be, universally applied to all cultures worldwide. You cannot tell them what they should find rude or polite. What is polite and good etiquette for an American can be incredibly rude in other cultures. Your point is valid when applied to those that live within your country and your culture, it is incredibly arrogant to announce it applies universally because that is what the American or British etiquette people decided.
The vast majority of people on these boards are American, British or similar so this is rarely a reason for the etiquette breaches you see, but there are legitimate cultural reasons and traditions for this that would be seen as incredibly inappropriate by American etiquette. That's OK.
I'm Irish, but living in Asia, so I've seen a wide range of etiquette and opinions in different cultures. For example, having a registry in Ireland would be seen as incredibly tacky. We do not have a 'shower' culture and while they are starting to become more popular the idea of providing people with a list of suggestions of gifts you would like would be seen as incredibly rude and cause offense to many of your guests. Therefore in Ireland, the appropriate etiquette is not to include a registry. This may change, it did over time in the US, so etiquette certainly is flexible over a longer period of time, but the key concept remains. Don't do something that adds a burden to your guests or offends them or makes them uncomfortable. That is the point of etiquette. What would do this will vary from culture to culture (the shoes/no shoes debate is a great example as it would be highly offensive in some cultures). Generally though, it's best to stick by the etiquette expected in your country /culture to guarantee this e.g. As a foreigner living in Malaysia if I were having an event here and inviting Malaysian people I would look to ensure Malaysian etiquette was followed.
Ok...I got tired of reading hateful and rude replies, so I am just gonna toss this out here and take off. The whole Etiquette excuse is insane. Most etiquette does not cross cultural boundaries, and what is considered polite in one area of the world is a horrible faux pas somewhere else.
For example, I don't have local friends. I am a horrible social introvert, the nearest family I have is over 200 miles away, DH family is on the other side of the country, and most of the people I talk to are online. That being said, I have friends from all over the world. At least some of which have suggested I throw an online shower for myself. Now, that is so not even the plan, for multiple reasons, but primarily it is difficult to work around everyone's time zones and schedules. But apparently this is not only normal, but completely expected in some parts of the world. It is not considered a "gift", it is just something that you do to get help from your friends.
All that being said, if you want to throw yourself a shower, hey, go for it. Try not to be pushy, but it is ok to ask for help when you need it. If you don't want to throw yourself a shower, no BFD, don't. Maybe you will luck out and someone else will step in and do it, maybe not. Maybe your family will help out in any way they can, maybe not. Maybe you should grow up, put on your big girl panties, and stop judging everyone against your standards and your ideals, because I can guarantee that no matter what flag you wave that under, it is going to upset someone. This thread turned into an inflammatory hatefest.
As for the whole "If no one is throwing you a shower, you have done something wrong so that people don't like you" that line makes me madder than anything. Some of us just have problems interacting with people, some of us have PTSD and just can't deal well with social situations. We may have good intentions, but that does not translate into being a social butterfly and having lots of friends. We may even send gifts to every event we get asked to, even if we can't go. Some of us, in fact, cringe at the idea of a baby shower just because we can't deal with large groups of people. Whatever the situation, it is a personal choice and not something that should be shamed for being "improper".
If you need help affording stuff, but your family can't assist you, fine, ask for help, throw yourself a shower, but don't be pushy. If you are lucky enough that you don't need help, but your family wants to do something nice, Great!! Let them throw you a shower. But seriously, please stop being hateful, even if we are not a "unique little snowflake", every situation is different, every person is different, and what you may think of as a horrible thing may be completely normal to someone else. Personally, I hate sushi, I am not going to stop anyone else from having it.
Stuck in box~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm just going to throw this out there and run. *Factual =/= rude. In fact just because your friends don't tell you how gift grabby throwing your own shower is to your face doesn't mean they aren't talking about it behind your back. *Your etiquette comment does not help your case in the slightest it actually hurts your case. *A simple Google search for the definition of a baby shower says, "A party given for a pregnant woman to which guests bring presents for the baby". So yes it is a gift. * Can you tell me what part of the world that you are speaking of that doesn't consider throwing your own shower a faux pas? *A shower is not an excuse to shake your friends down because you can't afford a baby. Idea! Use the money you'd use to throw a shower to provide for your own child which is entirely your responsibility. *Speaking of big girl panties why don't you stop the name calling? *If you/someone have PTSD why would a baby shower be on that person's mind as a necessary? *If you can't afford things for a baby don't have a baby, get a second job or go to second hand stores. Tl;dr these are all poor excuses that eventually come down to feeling entitled. No one owes anyone anything.
Glad I am seeing this. I had no idea about the rules of etiquette for baby showers. Makes sense. I have a step relative who is throwing her own, but she mins young and very low socioeconomic status, so while I cannot attend I will definitely send something.
As for me, I'll make sure not to throw my own and I don't have too many friends. Not worried though. I'll just be happy to make it to term.
if you let your family or friends throw you a shower and created a registry for attendees, you are no less 'gift grabby' than anyone who threw their own, sorry.
if you let your family or friends throw you a shower and created a registry for attendees, you are no less 'gift grabby' than anyone who threw their own, sorry.
This was totally a thread that needed to be revived. Say no to necromancey kids!
Where I'm from most of the time the mom to be plans and schedules her own baby shower but has the help of family/friends for food/decorations and stuff. I am currently pregnant with my first little one and do plan on having a baby showr but I have not asked for nor put expensive items on my registry. I plan on having my baby shower at 27-28 weeks to give me plenty of time to go through/sort everything before he makes his arrival. I have not been offered for someone else to host my baby shower but have been have asked by some close to me if I will be having one so that tells me they expect me to host my own.
Re: People really just plan their own?
Nope. Wrong. Etiquette is not an excuse. Etiquette is a customary code of polite behavior in society. As was previously stated, it is consistent, inflexible, and not subject to opinion. It is meant to be universally applied across different circumstances, regions, and cultures, etc.
To the second bolded statement:
No one on this board said that. What was said was 'If no one offers to throw you a shower (for whatever reason), then you just don't have a shower. Simple as that. It's not a right of pregnancy. It's a gift.' You chose to take that personally, that's not on us.
To the rest of your post:
Maybe you need to put on your big girl panties and accept that Etiquette is real, even if you don't care about it. Fool yourself all you want into thinking it's not rude to throw yourself a gift-giving party, but that's exactly what it is. Rude. It's not asking for help either... that would sound more like "I need help, do you have any baby/child hand me downs that you can spare?" not "I'm throwing myself a party, here's my registry!" See the difference?
We're not being hateful either. We're just telling the truth. This is real information and this is also a board that deals mainly with questions of Etiquette. We're not making this stuff up to hurt others, we're just sharing the knowledge we have to answer questions being asked here... if you, and other ladies who don't care about Etiquette, don't want to hear it then why do you ask? Seriously, you are the one getting bent out of shape over this, not us.
The vast majority of people on these boards are American, British or similar so this is rarely a reason for the etiquette breaches you see, but there are legitimate cultural reasons and traditions for this that would be seen as incredibly inappropriate by American etiquette. That's OK.
I'm Irish, but living in Asia, so I've seen a wide range of etiquette and opinions in different cultures. For example, having a registry in Ireland would be seen as incredibly tacky. We do not have a 'shower' culture and while they are starting to become more popular the idea of providing people with a list of suggestions of gifts you would like would be seen as incredibly rude and cause offense to many of your guests. Therefore in Ireland, the appropriate etiquette is not to include a registry. This may change, it did over time in the US, so etiquette certainly is flexible over a longer period of time, but the key concept remains. Don't do something that adds a burden to your guests or offends them or makes them uncomfortable. That is the point of etiquette. What would do this will vary from culture to culture (the shoes/no shoes debate is a great example as it would be highly offensive in some cultures). Generally though, it's best to stick by the etiquette expected in your country /culture to guarantee this e.g. As a foreigner living in Malaysia if I were having an event here and inviting Malaysian people I would look to ensure Malaysian etiquette was followed.
As for me, I'll make sure not to throw my own and I don't have too many friends. Not worried though. I'll just be happy to make it to term.
This was totally a thread that needed to be revived. Say no to necromancey kids!