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December 2015 Moms
groovylocks
member
I hate my husband
groovylocks
member
HATE him. More every day. I have no idea if it's because of hormones or what. I know it's not all hormones. He's not a nice person. At all. But I never hated him before Olive was born. Is it at all normal? Am I just less willing to put up with bullshit because I have her to think about too? This is hard and I have nobody to really talk through this with.
Re: I hate my husband
Unless of course he's abusive.
I don't say that to be rude or condescending. I have read other posts from @groovylocks regarding her husband... I hope you guys can get counseling or some help in some way...
He yells at his mother all the time. His mother is a bit overbearing, true. She does a lot of overbearing things. But she's a good woman who loves her son and loves me and loves her granddaughter.
Before we had Olive, when he got like this, I'd go out. I'd grab a drink with friends. I'd stay late at work. My god, I miss work.. But now that I have Olive, we're all together all the time and he's jsut constantly picking on me, nagging at me and bitching about everything. I have to spend hours justifying every decision i make. Everything is an essay question with this idiot.
I should say at this point that he is NOT mean or hateful to our little girl. He's kind and loving to her. For now at least. But he's unsafe with her. He took her for a walk today. No coat, no hat, no mits. Just a carseat cover. He has put her to sleep on top of a pile of clean laundry "because it's funny" and he's let her "cry it out" beacuse sometimes "babies need to cry it out" which sounds like a difference in opinion until you consider that her diaper was filthy and he didn't even check.
I don't want to say the situation is abusive. It's sort of different. It's abusive in the same way that, again, the angry 12 year old spoiled douche is abusive. It's more horrifyingly annoying. He's annoyed me to the point where I don't see any redeeming qualities left in him at all. I would like to save my marriage but then i can't figure out why I'd ever want to.
I definitely don't hate my husband, but I agree with PP that I'm much more easily irritated by him, and our relationship has been much more difficult in these first couple of months than ever. I hear people saying that the first year of marriage is the toughest - I disagree. It's the first year after having a baby. Holy hard.
TIL: Having a child can have a pretty strong negative impact on a person's happiness. On average, the effect of a new baby on a person's life in the first year is worse than divorce, worse than unemployment and worse even than the death of a partner. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?postshare=7371439305730890
However, even if he does have some condition, he is clearly treating you more like a maid than a spouse and that is uncalled for. I hesitate to say it, but it also sounds as if he may be borderline emotionally abusive if he continues to make you feel inadequate for leaving a utensil in a sink nearly 4 years ago. He's good with Olive now, but if he thinks it's a woman's job to do all the cooking, cleaning, and caring for him she will probably be treated the same way once she is old enough to contribute to catering to him.
I don't think that a person should hate her spouse, not if the relationship is going to work. If you truly hate him, and you need to decide if that is really how you feel, then you will never be happy in the marriage. And I wouldn't blame you if you really did hate him, he sounds like a real treat to live with. You need to really examine how you feel, and decide if staying is what's best for you and your daughter, because he is unlikely to ever change his ways no matter how hard you try.
I am worried that he calls you stupid and lazy. That's not ok. And if he yells at his mom, that shows more about his treatment of women (or just other people) and I'd pay very close attention to how he talks to Olive when she's no longer a helpless baby and he thinks she's taking more responsibility for her actions. When your parents, who love you most, say negative things to you as a child, you'll believe them.
We're here for you
Whenever I see you post about your husband I think of my dad. It isn't as obvious as if he was violent but it's damaging. It wears you down emotionally and leaves scars. He might be alright with your daughter now but what message will it send her to see you taking this?
he doesn't drink. He is allergic. But I always say he acts like an alcoholic. Without the alcohol.
In Virginia, they require one year of separation if kids are involved before filing for divorce unless adultery is the cause.
If you end up deciding divorce is best, you may make it to October before anything is filed if there is a separation period requirement.
Something to look at if you decide to leave is custody laws. My mom admits to staying with my dad because of this. Here it's 50/50 custody unless it's agreed otherwise or there's child abuse. She says she figured it would be better if she could be there and try to make up for him than us being alone with him half the time when she couldn't do anything.
I don't know. I agree a trial separation seems best right now. It gives you both time to re-evaluate yourselves and your relationship. Once you're separated, maybe he would be open to counseling... once he sees that you really mean it.
after a few comments of "you should take the bathroom trash out, it's being considerate" and "you were like this before baby, this is not an excuse"... We needed a talk.
I dont know your finacial situation but I read you were the breadwinner. My SO struggles daily with not being able to provide. It hits his ego. He works hard, risks his life working and gets promoted but it's not enough to even support himself comfortably. It hit me one day how much this affects our relationship and how delicate it is.
This is may be horrid advice but my SO has amazing qualities. I don't agree with your DH calling you names, at ALL, that's where I draw the line. But I choose to compromise sometimes. He's a great father, and after he got FULL baby duties he stepped back and realized It is hard. He values it because he sees how hard it is. I believe it's a human thing to judge until we walk that mile. It took me telling him look, if you want the house perfect , you can be in charge of that. I can pick up after myself, do my best, do the laundry, cook but I can't do it all. I can only do so much and if you can't handle my imperfections and mess than well, don't marry me. I chose to stand my ground and be firm, but in a loving way.
Needless as to say, he comes home, he helps with baby, takes the baby so I can get some me time, puts dishes away, cleans dinner, picks up after the dogs. I also chose to change my perspective. I don't give in when he comes off the wrong way, I walk away and choose to take myself out of the situation. Men have a very different way of going about things and look for validation in different ways. Sometimes it's very unhealthy and needs some adjusting. I also realize my husband isn't perfect. He's faithful, he's hard working, he is responsible, he's clean, he doesn't spend money stupidly, he's trusting of my views and choices. But he can say things very insensitively and be so clean to the point where it drives me batty. I choose to see him for his great things, because I have things about me that I know he loves me through so why can't I give him that same love?
Those things can be done respectfully and with compromise. I've noticed men respect more when they realize you put your foot down, but in a loving way. the first month with baby was hard then slowly started to get easier. I stopped trying to do "everything", including fixing things that we were both responsible to communicate about. And I've realized a lot by taking a step back and looking at his upbringing and his view. It's not wrong, it's just different.
But it the name calling, that's not ok and I suggest therapy for you and him, together and separate. I think there's a bigger picture and there's something deeper there. I hope you can find some love in him again and maybe you can fix the problems. In life no one will ever be perfect and I hope the problems can be fixed for a better future. It will only make you so much stronger as individuals and a couple.
I could've made a real compelling argument to divorce. I could've easily left & felt totally justified. But I'm glad I didn't- that we worked it out & we are much stronger now.
that said - he never name called me or made me feel less than. He never complained about what I did or didn't do. Your situation smacks of abuse. I think a trial separation is a great idea.
First, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I really am.
Second, I want to give you a piece of advice that may or may not be what you want to hear but it's what I think you need to be told. Do not do anything without speaking with your immigration attorney first, so long as things are safe for you and Olive. Prior to having this discussion with your immigration attorney, make sure that it is private between you and he/she and that there is no conflict of interest if your attorney represents both you and your husband in your residency application. I know that you're very smart woman, I have learned that much around here these past 10 to 11 months. Take your time and seek out all the information before you make a decision. Find out exactly what separation might entail for your residency and see if you can stick things out until October if possible. That being said, there's no reason for him to treat you like this. I hate having a mess in the house… That's why we have housekeepers. We try to keep things as tidy as possible, so we don't leave dishes to keep bugs away, but I would never imagine jumping on my husband about folding the laundry or anything that is not a health/hygiene issue.
The other thing is, when he calls you stupid… We all know that you're not stupid. I think you may be right about a little bit of the narcissistic personality. I'm not a psychiatrist. I don't know enough about that but I do know that you don't deserve to be treated like that!
I also wouldn't jump to move in with your friend and her child. That makes for a very complicated dynamic and it would be better if you could manage on your own at first, I believe.
Another issue about taking the baby to Canada might be custody, as you brought up. If it were me, I would honestly meet with a top divorce attorney. I would go through all of my options and be calm and calculated about any decision that I might make. You might change your mind and decide that you guys want to stay together, or you might decide to split up… But no matter what happens, you want to make sure that you have all of the knowledge. Because that is power.
Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this. And I hope it works out well for you.