@groovylocks you seem like such a strong woman/great mom even though you have to deal with that asshole. Kudos to you. Come back home to Canada we will care for you here haha
Where are you? I'm from the east coast. Have we had this conversation before?
Hey btw how are you doing? I know you were toughing it out in the trenches awhile back..
@groovylocks I'm in Vancouver, so not very close to your neck of the woods, but still! Canada is a friendly place, the whole lot of it.
Thank you for remembering that I'm having a hard time, you have a good memory. I'm trying to get on the right meds now to hopefully help with my PPD.
Yeah I remember. I was having a tough time, not so much due to the baby but with issues with my husband and how i felt about him, making me very overprotective of the baby - which was all so exhausting. And i remember you being so honest about everything you were dealing with.. it stood out in my mind.
Vancouver is great. Expensive But nice. I'm from Halifax. I live in the USA now and have for the last two years. I miss Halifax a lot. And if i come back to canada, i have to keep my daughter near her dad and his family - so i'd wind up likely in Toronto.
Lots of things to think about from the pp but one thing not mentioned is your husband may not feel like he has the option of psych counseling or meds because of his job, it is a common concern with military and law enforcement that they have to declare those things and they are afraid it will effect their their jobs (especially security clearances). Generally relationship or religious counseling are less threatening to peoples jobs so that might be a more approachable option. He's a commercial pilot, right? I believe they take psych issues super seriously in that field (rightly so) and sleep is nonnegotiable before flights too as I understand. Not that it excuses his behaviour but it may help in finding help to be aware of that concern.
Also it is basically classic abuse to be the perfect person in public... It is isolating to the victims and makes it harder to seek help when everyone things the abuser is a great person who is so involved in their communinty.
Your marriage might be saveable if you both want too. But I do believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive and seems to be toying with physical abuse. I do believe in marriage and trying to work things out but NOT in an unhealthy relationship when one person isn't trying.
I really hope he wants to do marriage counseling with you. Maybe the counselor can help open his eyes and see what a hole he is to you & help him to get on meds. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything but it sounds like bipolar disorder. And for the sake of your daughter, he should seek treatment!!!
Lots of things to think about from the pp but one thing not mentioned is your husband may not feel like he has the option of psych counseling or meds because of his job, it is a common concern with military and law enforcement that they have to declare those things and they are afraid it will effect their their jobs (especially security clearances). Generally relationship or religious counseling are less threatening to peoples jobs so that might be a more approachable option. He's a commercial pilot, right? I believe they take psych issues super seriously in that field (rightly so) and sleep is nonnegotiable before flights too as I understand. Not that it excuses his behaviour but it may help in finding help to be aware of that concern.
Also it is basically classic abuse to be the perfect person in public... It is isolating to the victims and makes it harder to seek help when everyone things the abuser is a great person who is so involved in their communinty.
Your marriage might be saveable if you both want too. But I do believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive and seems to be toying with physical abuse. I do believe in marriage and trying to work things out but NOT in an unhealthy relationship when one person isn't trying.
I can almost guarantee (not completely because nobody can guarantee that) he would never be physically abusive. With me or Olive. He is physically a very gentle person. And he's been angry enough at me that if he were to hit somebody, he would have done it. So I feel confident that he won't.
If he does, I'm trained to defend myself. I studied Kung Fu (southern style) for a long time. So I'm not afraid of him physically one bit. And I know he would never hurt Olive. So that is not my main concern but I DO always keep a vigil over his behaviour and his stress level, just to be safe. HIs body language has never even come close to what i would consider to be physically aggressive.
The rest of what you said is definitely worth mulling over.. He's talking about quitting his job - stress is getting to be too much, even part time. He's very good at his job. But he doesn't enjoy it. I'm hoping you're right about his thinking - because then if he quits, he has nothing to be afraid of.
He's actually been really great the last week. I mean really great. He doesn't go in cycles. He is happy until something sets him off and then he's a creep for a week or more. After a few days of unusually calm weather, i actually tried to set him off and he responded very calmly. I am serious about wanting to leave him. I tell him this all the time. I think he really gets it now.
My willingness to work on things is for Olive only. I am no longer in love with my husband, nor will i ever be again I don't think. He's wounded things badly. But if he can get over his anger and meanness and focus on being the amazing person he is when he's NOT angry and mean, I can stay in this marriage. He is a great friend. And a good father to Olive so far. If he can get past his self-centeredness and spite and anger, i mean REALLY get past it, I may never be attracted to him as a partner again, but I can live a life with him. Share a house, raise our daughter, sleep in the same room and enjoy our lives together.
That's a big if. But that's as far as I can see things healing. It's sad but she is so happy when we are all in the same room together, getting along. If we can make this typical family dynamics, i will not take it away from her.
He's actually been really great the last week. I mean really great. He doesn't go in cycles. He is happy until something sets him off and then he's a creep for a week or more. After a few days of unusually calm weather, i actually tried to set him off and he responded very calmly. I am serious about wanting to leave him. I tell him this all the time. I think he really gets it now.
My willingness to work on things is for Olive only. I am no longer in love with my husband, nor will i ever be again I don't think. He's wounded things badly. But if he can get over his anger and meanness and focus on being the amazing person he is when he's NOT angry and mean, I can stay in this marriage. He is a great friend. And a good father to Olive so far. If he can get past his self-centeredness and spite and anger, i mean REALLY get past it, I may never be attracted to him as a partner again, but I can live a life with him. Share a house, raise our daughter, sleep in the same room and enjoy our lives together.
That's a big if. But that's as far as I can see things healing. It's sad but she is so happy when we are all in the same room together, getting along. If we can make this typical family dynamics, i will not take it away from her.
This hits me so hard! It's the same way. Exact same. We love each other, we are best friends but no longer in love. Not attracted to each other anymore (I haven't had sex since I was 7 months pregnant) and I'm over it!
As long as things are civil and chill, it's possible! Same with Samara, she LOVES her dad and i, so I couldn't take her away from that!
The only thing it's taking a toll on is my self esteem and confidence. I don't have friends anymore, I used to be a social butterfly now I'm stuck in this cave where it's just me and baby. And sometimes him. We don't go out and make friends or mingle, that's just not us (or not him).
Will both you and your husband be able to remain happy and satisfied emotionally and physically in a plutonic marriage? Key word here being *both*. I'm posing this question to @AndreaAL11 as well.
I am not judging, just asking. Babies are very resilient beings and would adjust quickly to a different family dynamic if you split now. Toddlers, young children and teens are far less forgiving if for whatever reason one or both of you decide a few years down the line that you can no longer live in a loveless marriage.
Why deny yourself a relationship you deserve - one where there is emotional support and true love? Why deny your child seeing what a real relationship is supposed to be? As people, we learn how marriages and partnerships function and how to be partners to our spouses (and how our spouses should treat us) from our parents and their relationship.
You are both strong, smart women and I'm sure have taken these things into account. I just hate to see people who have been resigned to loveless relationships because they feel it is best for the "family dynamic" for the baby.
I wish everyone the best in what are truly hard situations to be in. And I commend you ladies for being willing to give it all up for your babies. Makes me think that maybe I'm a bad mother for knowing I would be unwilling to stay in a marriage where there was no love.
Will both you and your husband be able to remain happy and satisfied emotionally and physically in a plutonic marriage? Key word here being *both*. I'm posing this question to @AndreaAL11 as well.
I am not judging, just asking. Babies are very resilient beings and would adjust quickly to a different family dynamic if you split now. Toddlers, young children and teens are far less forgiving if for whatever reason one or both of you decide a few years down the line that you can no longer live in a loveless marriage.
Why deny yourself a relationship you deserve - one where there is emotional support and true love? Why deny your child seeing what a real relationship is supposed to be? As people, we learn how marriages and partnerships function and how to be partners to our spouses (and how our spouses should treat us) from our parents and their relationship.
You are both strong, smart women and I'm sure have taken these things into account. I just hate to see people who have been resigned to loveless relationships because they feel it is best for the "family dynamic" for the baby.
I wish everyone the best in what are truly hard situations to be in. And I commend you ladies for being willing to give it all up for your babies. Makes me think that maybe I'm a bad mother for knowing I would be unwilling to stay in a marriage where there was no love.
I think if we decide to stay together as a platonic couple, we would see other people. I realize this is getting weird. But if i were to split from my husband or for whatever reason, date other people, I don't want to drag a bunch of clowns in and out of Olive's life without guarantee that they will be a permanent fixture or a safe presence. I would rather keep any future relationships separate from my family.
I realize my feelings on this might change. But right now, I need to find out why i chose somebody who made me so unhappy and make sure that I don't choose any more dysfunctional people. I owe Olive so much.
@groovylocks I have good friends who are poly (so married but carry on long term, meaningful relationships both emotional and physical outside of the marriage) so you aren't "getting weird" to say that. But that lifestyle does take a certain personality type from both partners to make it work and not be a harmful or toxic situation for one or both people involved.
I I think you are being very hard on yourself to put so much blame on your shoulders about your choice of a mate. We all make bad judgment calls. I also think it's smart of you to take the time to look inward and figure you out before jumping into anything new.
Re: I hate my husband
Hey btw how are you doing? I know you were toughing it out in the trenches awhile back..
Thank you for remembering that I'm having a hard time, you have a good memory. I'm trying to get on the right meds now to hopefully help with my PPD.
Vancouver is great. Expensive
Also it is basically classic abuse to be the perfect person in public... It is isolating to the victims and makes it harder to seek help when everyone things the abuser is a great person who is so involved in their communinty.
Your marriage might be saveable if you both want too. But I do believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive and seems to be toying with physical abuse. I do believe in marriage and trying to work things out but NOT in an unhealthy relationship when one person isn't trying.
The rest of what you said is definitely worth mulling over.. He's talking about quitting his job - stress is getting to be too much, even part time. He's very good at his job. But he doesn't enjoy it. I'm hoping you're right about his thinking - because then if he quits, he has nothing to be afraid of.
As long as things are civil and chill, it's possible! Same with Samara, she LOVES her dad and i, so I couldn't take her away from that!
The only thing it's taking a toll on is my self esteem and confidence. I don't have friends anymore, I used to be a social butterfly now I'm stuck in this cave where it's just me and baby. And sometimes him. We don't go out and make friends or mingle, that's just not us (or not him).
I am not judging, just asking. Babies are very resilient beings and would adjust quickly to a different family dynamic if you split now. Toddlers, young children and teens are far less forgiving if for whatever reason one or both of you decide a few years down the line that you can no longer live in a loveless marriage.
Why deny yourself a relationship you deserve - one where there is emotional support and true love? Why deny your child seeing what a real relationship is supposed to be? As people, we learn how marriages and partnerships function and how to be partners to our spouses (and how our spouses should treat us) from our parents and their relationship.
You are both strong, smart women and I'm sure have taken these things into account. I just hate to see people who have been resigned to loveless relationships because they feel it is best for the "family dynamic" for the baby.
I wish everyone the best in what are truly hard situations to be in. And I commend you ladies for being willing to give it all up for your babies. Makes me think that maybe I'm a bad mother for knowing I would be unwilling to stay in a marriage where there was no love.
I I think you are being very hard on yourself to put so much blame on your shoulders about your choice of a mate. We all make bad judgment calls. I also think it's smart of you to take the time to look inward and figure you out before jumping into anything new.