Before things go much further you need to speak with a lawyer who knows child custody laws and who has dealt with residency cases. This is to protect you and your baby. Secondly, you may want to edit or scrub some of the things in this forum. If things get ugly, everything you published here could potentially be used against you (specifically your thoughts of waiting out the clock until you gain full citizenship - I'm for sure not judging that, but I know that sort of thing can burn you assuming he gets vindictive and goes after you).
Based off your comments and this post I feel like you know leaving him is the right thing to do by you and the baby. Emotional abusers and control freaks are of course able to turn on the charm when it suits them - otherwise no one would stick around to cater to their needs. You seem like a strong woman with her head screwed on pretty tight and it sounds like since you are the bread winner that you have the resources available to leave. If I were you, I'd be looking for a lawyer to call ASAP and see what I needed to do to protect myself and my child and get the ball rolling on that separation.
@ groovylocks I'm currently in the exact same situation. I was just about to post on the board about our divorce, decided today. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope things can pan out for the best for you and the baby and hopefully your marriage!
I remember your situation and i have kept tabs on you to see how you're getting on. I'm so proud of you.
@Bombmom3 Geez.. good point i thought the birth month clubs were private to registered users. No idea what made me think that. Thank you!
I honestly would not worry too much about it. Run it past your immigration attorney and it's not as if you've tried to use fraud to manipulate the system. Everything you've done has been straightforward and legitimate. It's not as if you have lied to gain entry into the country or filled out forms fraudulently. If they ask you if you're fulfilled in your relationship and deeply in love and like, you say that you're not as happy as you once were.
I think saying he is a good father is a bit off when he does things that are as neglectful as you describe. Taking a child out in the winter without adequate clothing, leaving her crying in a dirty diaper for hours, and leaving her to sleep in an unsafe location to me all sounds very abusive. It demonstrates he does not care much about her wellbeing.
I think saying he is a good father is a bit off when he does things that are as neglectful as you describe. Taking a child out in the winter without adequate clothing, leaving her crying in a dirty diaper for hours, and leaving her to sleep in an unsafe location to me all sounds very abusive. It demonstrates he does not care much about her wellbeing.
With this stuff (minus the chilly clothing. That was laziness that he blamed on me "you said it was warmer out than it was" lol...) I think it's honestly stupidity. Nobody has ever taught him how to take care of anything and he had zero examples set for him at home. I could deal with that by itself because this is easy stuff to change
I think saying he is a good father is a bit off when he does things that are as neglectful as you describe. Taking a child out in the winter without adequate clothing, leaving her crying in a dirty diaper for hours, and leaving her to sleep in an unsafe location to me all sounds very abusive. It demonstrates he does not care much about her wellbeing.
With this stuff (minus the chilly clothing. That was laziness that he blamed on me "you said it was warmer out than it was" lol...) I think it's honestly stupidity. Nobody has ever taught him how to take care of anything and he had zero examples set for him at home. I could deal with that by itself because this is easy stuff to change
I'm sorry but those are all common sense things, not things you need to be taught. I had zero (and I do mean ZERO) baby experience before having my first child and my husband was the same - worse off, probably, since he is an only child and I have a younger sibling - and we never ever ever would leave a baby in a soiled diaper that long or allow a baby under 6 months to scream for longer than a minute or two while we went to the bathroom or dealt with an issue that needed two hands and couldn't wait. And to even entertain the "you said it was warmer than it was" excuse for more than a three second trip outside is ridiculous. As an adult, I would hope he can determine the ambient temperature once he steps outside and realize it was colder than he anticipated.
Whats next? Blaming you when he doesn't put her in her car seat correctly? Walking in to see her struggling and crying on her belly on the floor while he sits and watches and tells you that she's got to figure it out?
Obviosly I don't know him. I can only make a judgement based off what you've said here. What you've said here, though, is concerning and I'm not sure I'd leave an infant unsupervised with him, ever. And I most likely wouldn't leave a child under the age of 17 with him, either.
I think you're right.. And it doesn't get much better when i try to tell him what i'm not comfortable with. He either blames it outright on somebody else or insists that what he's doing is safe and everybody who says it isn't is stupid. I've taken to bringing this stuff up out loud with the pediatrician while we're all there and letting HER look at him in disbelief and say "Uh no.. that's not ok.." I realize that i'm playing with fire doing that because she could potentially look into Olive's welfare if she hears too much of this. I feel I am caring for Olive well but letting her father do some of the stuff I catch him doing puts me in an awkward position. Most of the time, you understand, he doesn't do things like this. If I ask him to do anything for her, he does it. He gets up at night. Changes her diaper when asked. Holds her and plays with her. Has never yelled at her or treated her like anything less than the miracle she is.
But those acts of idiot tend to happen when i get a few precious moments to myself. It's not fair.
I'm planning a trip away for a couple of days in May. I'm going with a friend and it's sort of a little "hey momma, get away for an overnight and drink and be stupid" trip so the idea was that Olive would stay home with her dad. And now i'm looking at either bringing them along or just not going. Or finding somebody to stay with hub while I'm away. It's frustrating. I feel like a bad enough mom just for wanting to leave my 5 month old for two days and now I feel like a REALLY bad mom for even continuing to consider it.
You aren't a bad mom for craving time away from the baby. At all.
I guess my my issue now is you saying that certain things he has done has put you in an awkward position and that it happens when you aren't directly supervising. I don't know what that entails but if they are in line with what you have already mentioned and are things that you're concerned that the pediatrician may eventually report your family to CPS over then you absolutely cannot leave her with him. I don't mean to be one of those doomsayers but there was a post on one of the other 2015 boards where a fiancé dropped and then shook their infant and didn't say anything to anyone about it. I am of course not saying your husband would do this on purpose, but with the behavior you've talked about I wouldn't see it as a stretch to happen accidentally (as it did to little Cindy).
Mommy instincts are right 99% of the time - if you feel uncomfortable with something DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN. You can still do a girls night out. Just take Olive with you and screen a few sitters before hand - you have until May to find a sitter you can trust. You might not be able to get totally trashed but you can have a good night out without the baby.
Is there someone in his family you would trust Olive with? Maybe they could check in frequently or, better yet, hang out and help the couple days. It could be under the guise of helping with the house work since he seems unwilling to do that but really they'd be making sure Olive is safe. I wondered about this with the custody issue as well, if it might be a solution for when she's with him.
I think you might have to rethink your plan of having your husband be a sahd.
Oh yeah already done. I'm looking into helping start a daycare at work. And looking into daycares in the area. I'm afraid of daycare but Olive LOVES people and is fascinated with other babies so she'll be ok.. I'm just not sure how to evaluate daycares and choose the right one. My friend from work puts her son in one so I guess I'll start there. Husband says he wants to go back to work full time so fine with me.
@groovylocks it takes multiple trips. First go in and let them woo you, they will take you around the faculty and talk the place up. Do this with a few places to figure out which one/ones you like best. Then go in during a busy time (drop off/pick up) to see just how secure and organized they really are. Talk to the other parents and get their honest opinion. And ask tons of questions (who will be interacting with my child, how much experience do they have, what qualifications do they have, who steps in to help, what is the infant/teacher ratio, how often is everything sanitized, protocol in case of emergency, etc) if they are reputable this won't shake them at all. And go with your gut.
@groovylocks I am very sorry that you are going through this! PP's have given you excellent advice. The only thing I wanted to add might not be a good idea until after you've talked to a good lawyer. Since you mentioned that his family and friends "know" how he is have you thought about putting together a type of intervention? This would take a lot of effort and of course would only be worth doing if you want to try everything you can to stay together. If he is confronted by multiple people at once about his need for psychiatric care then maybe he'll get on board. He really sounds like he needs to be medicated. I'm not a professional but I've been around a lot of unstable people. its important that you talk to an immigration lawyer first though. He probably won't take you seriously if you confront him because he knows you're in a delicate situation. Your resident status probably gives him the balls to be nasty with you because he thinks he has you cornered. If you get his family and close friends on board and lay it all out, along with a fully loaded threat to leave him, you may be able to convince him to go to therapy. I'm also a resident in my husbands country. DH and I are fine but I know women here who are divorced and have to stay here or lose custody. It's scary but you've got to do what's best for you and olive, even if that means taking her away from him and his family and moving back home. Just think, would you want her to grow up thinking that the way he talks to / treats you is okay and eventually end up in a similar (or worse) relationship?
He sounds like a handful; however, I'd wait a few months to make any major choices. I know my DH is truly a gem and blessing yet we bicker almost everyday since the DD came home.
Not to reopen this thread again but something both terrifying and wonderful happened.
We were visiting our friend last week. He owns a barber shop. Visiting the shop at the same time was a little boy, about 2-3 years of age. He was being pretty annoying, as 2-3 year olds usually do His mom was doing nothing to keep him in line. Twice he smacked my husband (he was just acting up) and i was able to get him to stop by asking him how big of a hug he could give him instead.
When it was finally the little man's turn to get his hair done, he had a freakout. Scared of getting haircuts i guess. My husband helped our friend restrain him. Several times he screamed even louder.
A few nights later, i was getting a video of Olive playing in her bassinet. I guess my husband didn't know i was making a video. He started talking about this kid who was a "dumb shit" and how he was a little asshole for slapping him. I laughed and said "yeah that's a 2 year old for you..." and he said "Well i got revenge. When i helped (friend's name here) hold him down, I pinched him." And i said "Wait.. you pinched a toddler?" And he said "Yup. His mom doesn't take care of things so i did"
Got it all on video.
Tonight he started babbling about how, if some kid ever picks on our daughter, he'd attack the kid. I immediately started recording him saying that his plan for dealing with bullies was to either threaten them or their parents or outright lay his hands on the kid. I made a point of saying that this is illegal enough that i wouldn't be able to afford the bail.
My husband isn't violent, i thought. He's never laid a hand on me and only has the kindest words and actions towards our daughter. So this was incredibly disturbing to me.
If (when, really) we split, I don't want to remove custody from him entirely but i would like it to be at least semi-supervised. And I feel like this is going to help immensely. I want Olive to have her daddy in her life but it's shit like this that makes me sometimes wish i just had a time machine and could go back and slap my former self silly..
Tonight i actually asked him to leave. He refuses to leave. I'm the primary breadwinner and I pay our mortgage. He can't afford the house on his own so he's basically calling my bluff i guess.. His argument is that the house is more his than mine since his parents gave us our downpayment when we bought it. He told me that if i decide to try to leave, he's going to make my life a living hell until the day one of us dies.
The whole thing is a mess. On the one hand, I want to fight for my house. On the other hand, i feel like giving up the fight.. I miss Canada.. I want to go home. I want my friends. Hell I want my mom.. So much i want my mom right now. I love my job but.. I don't know. I need a lawyer. Just thought I'd update everybody on all my stupid drama.
I'm sorry your dealing with all this craziness during one of the most special times in your life with sweet Olive! I hope everything works out for your and your baby girl!
I'm sorry your dealing with all this craziness during one of the most special times in your life with sweet Olive! I hope everything works out for your and your baby girl!
This is what makes me the angriest. This should be the best time of my life. It is.. but it's also the scariest. It's not fair. I don't want to be a single mom. My friends at home are amazing. They're like "You're not a single anything. It takes a village. We're The Village." kind of thing. Which is great. My old roommate offered me my room back right away but, you know, he's not set up for a mom and baby to live there. There is a flat below his.
I'm thinking really far ahead. I have to. Short term is so gross.
Worst part is my job. I LOVE my job here. It's the best job I've ever had. I'm so happy there. And once I leave there, then what? It's hard to find work at home. The market is oversaturated. Plus to keep Olive near her dad, I'm basically looking at Toronto. I don't even know anybody there. I'd be all alone.
You have to go where your support is!! They will be the ones to get you through this rough time! Life takes us to unexpected places we have to just follow the path ahead of us. I know going through tough times like this and wondering why is this happening to me is hard.. But you have to do what is best for you and your baby girl.
Look, I know we are in very similar situations. But you seem like the kind of woman who is smart enough and powerful enough to do this without your baby-pinching husband. You need to get out of this toxicity. Please, for Olive's sake. You have support elsewhere, and even though things will be tough at first, you build yourself back up. Just because your husband can not man up and handle this situation like a man, you should not let him stop you from doing what is best.
My my husband and I are trying to make things work. If we can. If it doesn't we have both come to terms and have actually discussed our future plans if divorce were to happen, like adults. Your husband seems as if he thinks he has the power to keep you under his control.
Lawyer up, set his ass straight, and let him know, he can be in her life and act civil about it. You are the breadwinner. You are the mother. You have video proof!! You have more advantages than he does, and if he wants to play dirty, what else can you do.
Please be smart, and don't let someone this weak control you, you're a strong woman. Please keep updating. PM me if you would ever like to talk. Good luck!
To me it would be worth trying to work it out so you can keep this job, and who wants to leave their home, but if you can go where you have the support. There are families all over navigating around long distances. It's easier to travel than it used to be and now with the wonders of modern technology we have video calls. So no, it isn't the same but if it's what would help you raise your daughter and be the best mom that you can be then it's more than workable.
@groovylocks do not leave the house, unless you have plans to go to Canada as it could be considered forfeiture of the asset. I'm in CT which is a no fault state so asset division is 50/50. My ex had moved out of state though during the seperation and tried to file there so he could sue me for palimony. Check to see if you live in a no fault state. You might need to start using the system to get him to back off. If you took that video to your local police station and said that you have asked him to leave and he said he'd make your life hell, he'd be escorted from the house and you could get a restraining order stipulating supervised visits only with Olive. Please be careful, narcissistic people can snap when not getting their way or being confronted with their own mistakes. You need to stop defending him saying he's so good with Olive, because his behavior is irrational and could change towards her. He pinched a toddler, don't think he can't do that to Olive.
It sounds like you have a wonderful support system in Canada and that you could potentially keep working for the same company. You may want to talk to them to see what your options are for work there. Your housing situation may not be ideal at first but it's better to be in safe place. Also I believe a citizen AND Olive's mother you and she could go to Canada whenever you damn well please. You don't need your husband's permission to take anywhere or keep her from him until a custody arrangement is made in court, so he better be smarter about his threats. and you could probably file from there if needed. Talk to an attorney ASAP and put your passport and her birth certificate and Social security card someplace he can't find them.
I have nothing but respect for you for recognizing that you and Olive deserve better and being open to fixing it.
I'm sorry it's deteriorated to this point. I hope you can get him out of the house soon. The sooner you contact a lawyer the sooner you can figure out how to safely and legally get him out of the house (or yourself out of there).
The thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that it hasn't deteriorated. He's always been like this. When he's in the right mood, he's an asshole. When the mood lifts, he's lovely and the perfect guy. His mood swings tend to coincide with being tired and obviously we are both tired. So as opposed to him only being like this sometimes, he's now like this constantly.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
The thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that it hasn't deteriorated. He's always been like this. When he's in the right mood, he's an asshole. When the mood lifts, he's lovely and the perfect guy. His mood swings tend to coincide with being tired and obviously we are both tired. So as opposed to him only being like this sometimes, he's now like this constantly.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
Its too bad.
I think we married similar people. I know my husband has issues also but refuses to go to counseling or take medication. He's my best friend, and is such a goofy person and so loving and fun to be around, when he's in a good mood. When he's not, it's like talking to a stone wall and I can't stand it. No matter what I say or do nothing works to lighten the mood. So I let it be. but who are you kidding. If the bad outweigh the good, then what's the point? I've thought this over a lot with myself. And it's true, we give advice to others that we should be taking ourselves.
I'm not sure about age, which you look close to my age from what I can see in your picture, but I am 23, and I can have my whole life ahead of me to find a better person. If this works out, awesome! But there's a lot of work to do.
I think ink you need to weigh your options and look forward.
Please don't leave your home. I agree to take the footage to the police and have them escort him out along with a restraining order since he has said he will "make your life hell." And was physical with a toddler. But first, hire an attorney.
If he'd rather lose you and total custody of his daughter than try medicine, I think you have a loud and clear answer.
ETA That was harsh, I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have multiple people in my life who struggle with mental health issues, and I've seen the impact when they refuse to get the help they need.
Nope, harsh is good. Harsh is what i need. I respond well to tough love so don't worry
I agree completely and that thought has been swirling around in my head for weeks. He always puts his own needs above everybody else's. He's lost people as a result. He just shuts them out and moves on.
I used to see that as a positive personality trait but more and more i am starting to see it as part of this whole mess.
The thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that it hasn't deteriorated. He's always been like this. When he's in the right mood, he's an asshole. When the mood lifts, he's lovely and the perfect guy. His mood swings tend to coincide with being tired and obviously we are both tired. So as opposed to him only being like this sometimes, he's now like this constantly.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
Its too bad.
I think we married similar people. I know my husband has issues also but refuses to go to counseling or take medication. He's my best friend, and is such a goofy person and so loving and fun to be around, when he's in a good mood. When he's not, it's like talking to a stone wall and I can't stand it. No matter what I say or do nothing works to lighten the mood. So I let it be. but who are you kidding. If the bad outweigh the good, then what's the point? I've thought this over a lot with myself. And it's true, we give advice to others that we should be taking ourselves.
I'm not sure about age, which you look close to my age from what I can see in your picture, but I am 23, and I can have my whole life ahead of me to find a better person. If this works out, awesome! But there's a lot of work to do.
I think ink you need to weigh your options and look forward.
Well I'm older than you by a bit But hell, i'm not worried about finding anybody else in any case. I have my little girl and I love her so much. And i have my friends. And I love them too. And if that is all i get from here on in, I consider myself luckier than most people ever are.
I have tons of time to meet somebody new but right now i honestly would want to just walk out and be single for a good long while. I need to find out what happened to make me choose somebody like that and ensure that that NEVER happens again. And that if i DO get in a serious relationship again, it is with somebody who will not only treat me the way i deserve to be treated but will accept Olive and treat her like the amazing child she is, will never hurt or exploit her and most importantly, won't leave her.
I tell you, if i start dating again, they will NOT get any significant facetime with her unless it gets REALLY serious. If any douche canoe tries to come between me and my little girl, he's gone.
Please don't leave your home. I agree to take the footage to the police and have them escort him out along with a restraining order since he has said he will "make your life hell." And was physical with a toddler. But first, hire an attorney.
My sister is a family lawyer. In canada but still. I haven't spoken to her yet but i might just hire her on..
The thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that it hasn't deteriorated. He's always been like this. When he's in the right mood, he's an asshole. When the mood lifts, he's lovely and the perfect guy. His mood swings tend to coincide with being tired and obviously we are both tired. So as opposed to him only being like this sometimes, he's now like this constantly.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
Its too bad.
I think we married similar people. I know my husband has issues also but refuses to go to counseling or take medication. He's my best friend, and is such a goofy person and so loving and fun to be around, when he's in a good mood. When he's not, it's like talking to a stone wall and I can't stand it. No matter what I say or do nothing works to lighten the mood. So I let it be. but who are you kidding. If the bad outweigh the good, then what's the point? I've thought this over a lot with myself. And it's true, we give advice to others that we should be taking ourselves.
I'm not sure about age, which you look close to my age from what I can see in your picture, but I am 23, and I can have my whole life ahead of me to find a better person. If this works out, awesome! But there's a lot of work to do.
I think ink you need to weigh your options and look forward.
And yeah. Same. He's not this 2 dimensional caricature of evil. He's almost always a really great guy who is a lot of fun and makes us all laugh. And then suddenly things go really dark. They stay dark for a day or so. Maybe as much as a week. And then everything is normal again.
Things have been darker than usual lately for a few reasons. He's overtired. I mean we all are. So pissy bitch is his default state more and more. And then I think the other change is me. I'm not just having to care for myself. At worst, he annoys me and hurts my feelings a wee bit. I was always able to just see him as being a bitch sometimes. And I'd say "Meh.. call me when you're over it" and i'd walk out. I'd go downstairs to the cafe (we used to live in a loft above a cafe-bar) or I'd go for a drive or something. And I'd come back and he'd be Over It (he doesn't stay angry long typically)
But see now i have this little person. Who doesn't roll her eyes when her daddy starts raising his voice. She cries. And hearing her whimper because somebody upset her literally makes my blood boil. It's a reality check. It takes me back to when my parents used to fight. I was so afraid then. Kids are totally self centered and the result is that they think it's about them. I used to try to summon the care bears when my folks fought. Because, you know, i was the only person who could fix it. Seeing as the entire universe revolved around my 5 year old self, it was obviously my problem to solve.
I never want olive to sit on the stairs shaking, trying to summon cartoon bears to come save her family.
The thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that it hasn't deteriorated. He's always been like this. When he's in the right mood, he's an asshole. When the mood lifts, he's lovely and the perfect guy. His mood swings tend to coincide with being tired and obviously we are both tired. So as opposed to him only being like this sometimes, he's now like this constantly.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
Its too bad.
I think we married similar people. I know my husband has issues also but refuses to go to counseling or take medication. He's my best friend, and is such a goofy person and so loving and fun to be around, when he's in a good mood. When he's not, it's like talking to a stone wall and I can't stand it. No matter what I say or do nothing works to lighten the mood. So I let it be. but who are you kidding. If the bad outweigh the good, then what's the point? I've thought this over a lot with myself. And it's true, we give advice to others that we should be taking ourselves.
I'm not sure about age, which you look close to my age from what I can see in your picture, but I am 23, and I can have my whole life ahead of me to find a better person. If this works out, awesome! But there's a lot of work to do.
I think ink you need to weigh your options and look forward.
And yeah. Same. He's not this 2 dimensional caricature of evil. He's almost always a really great guy who is a lot of fun and makes us all laugh. And then suddenly things go really dark. They stay dark for a day or so. Maybe as much as a week. And then everything is normal again.
Things have been darker than usual lately for a few reasons. He's overtired. I mean we all are. So pissy bitch is his default state more and more. And then I think the other change is me. I'm not just having to care for myself. At worst, he annoys me and hurts my feelings a wee bit. I was always able to just see him as being a bitch sometimes. And I'd say "Meh.. call me when you're over it" and i'd walk out. I'd go downstairs to the cafe (we used to live in a loft above a cafe-bar) or I'd go for a drive or something. And I'd come back and he'd be Over It (he doesn't stay angry long typically)
But see now i have this little person. Who doesn't roll her eyes when her daddy starts raising his voice. She cries. And hearing her whimper because somebody upset her literally makes my blood boil. It's a reality check. It takes me back to when my parents used to fight. I was so afraid then. Kids are totally self centered and the result is that they think it's about them. I used to try to summon the care bears when my folks fought. Because, you know, i was the only person who could fix it. Seeing as the entire universe revolved around my 5 year old self, it was obviously my problem to solve.
I never want olive to sit on the stairs shaking, trying to summon cartoon bears to come save her family.
You're right. 100%. You know what's best for your baby! If the yelling upsets her now think of later. Please stay safe and handle it soon before it gets out of control!! You're a strong woman, you have a great support system!
Please don't leave your home. I agree to take the footage to the police and have them escort him out along with a restraining order since he has said he will "make your life hell." And was physical with a toddler. But first, hire an attorney.
My sister is a family lawyer. In canada but still. I haven't spoken to her yet but i might just hire her on..
She will likely have to refer you to someone licensed by the Bar in your state. But that's a great asset to you. She can help you figure out each step.
@groovylocks that care bear image is heartbreaking. Sending you love & support. You can do this. Whatever "this" is
Oh i know I know i can. I'm not afraid of the single parent thing. I'm afraid of the legalities. And the logistics. Right now, I can supervise things. If we split and he gets regular custody or visitation, I can't keep an eye on anything because i'm no longer there.
Yeah luckily my parents fought but weren't abusive to each other. They just didn't get along at all. For my entire childhood. They are a very happy couple now but it took years and years of fighting it out. I am a huge supporter of divorce for this reason. I wish my parents had. They both would have been so much happier and we would have been too.
My husband and i could probably be better friends if we didn't live together. I hate him because i'm dealing with his nasty moods all the time. But i am not one to hold grudges at all. When the crap stops, i can go back to enjoying the person again.
@groovylocks Your Care Bears story broke my heart, for the most part I block out my childhood, there was abuse and I in turn married an abusive man and it took years before I divorced his @$$. The point is that I wound up with a man like my father and I may not have if my mom had been able to get out before I had been subjected to the emotional and physical abuse. Whether you eventually move on or spend your life just with Olive, please know that you are already the best Mommy to your little girl because she's #1 and you aren't settling for less, so in the future she will only accept respect. I know I'm not alone in saying that I am hear for you, if you need to vent or a pick me up please come online.
@groovylocks you seem like such a strong woman/great mom even though you have to deal with that asshole. Kudos to you. Come back home to Canada we will care for you here haha
So I spoke with our immigration lawyer (the one who handled my immigration in 2014) and she has advised me to wait out the remainder of my conditional (or probationary) residency that ends in October and unless there is immediate danger to either me or Olive, to attempt at reconciliation if at all possible.
I found out from a coworker, also in a very shabby marriage, that my company offers free marriage counselling for couples in trouble. I have decided to take advantage of this regardless of what happens going forward - and I am currently very keen on divorce at this point. But I'm willing to make one last attempt at fixing our family simply because the resource is available and it's free.
Re: I hate my husband
Based off your comments and this post I feel like you know leaving him is the right thing to do by you and the baby. Emotional abusers and control freaks are of course able to turn on the charm when it suits them - otherwise no one would stick around to cater to their needs. You seem like a strong woman with her head screwed on pretty tight and it sounds like since you are the bread winner that you have the resources available to leave. If I were you, I'd be looking for a lawyer to call ASAP and see what I needed to do to protect myself and my child and get the ball rolling on that separation.
Whats next? Blaming you when he doesn't put her in her car seat correctly? Walking in to see her struggling and crying on her belly on the floor while he sits and watches and tells you that she's got to figure it out?
Obviosly I don't know him. I can only make a judgement based off what you've said here. What you've said here, though, is concerning and I'm not sure I'd leave an infant unsupervised with him, ever. And I most likely wouldn't leave a child under the age of 17 with him, either.
I guess my my issue now is you saying that certain things he has done has put you in an awkward position and that it happens when you aren't directly supervising. I don't know what that entails but if they are in line with what you have already mentioned and are things that you're concerned that the pediatrician may eventually report your family to CPS over then you absolutely cannot leave her with him. I don't mean to be one of those doomsayers but there was a post on one of the other 2015 boards where a fiancé dropped and then shook their infant and didn't say anything to anyone about it. I am of course not saying your husband would do this on purpose, but with the behavior you've talked about I wouldn't see it as a stretch to happen accidentally (as it did to little Cindy).
Mommy instincts are right 99% of the time - if you feel uncomfortable with something DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN. You can still do a girls night out. Just take Olive with you and screen a few sitters before hand - you have until May to find a sitter you can trust. You might not be able to get totally trashed but you can have a good night out without the baby.
https://www.angieslist.com/articles/15-questions-ask-when-finding-daycare.htm
Since you mentioned that his family and friends "know" how he is have you thought about putting together a type of intervention? This would take a lot of effort and of course would only be worth doing if you want to try everything you can to stay together. If he is confronted by multiple people at once about his need for psychiatric care then maybe he'll get on board. He really sounds like he needs to be medicated. I'm not a professional but I've been around a lot of unstable people.
its important that you talk to an immigration lawyer first though. He probably won't take you seriously if you confront him because he knows you're in a delicate situation. Your resident status probably gives him the balls to be nasty with you because he thinks he has you cornered. If you get his family and close friends on board and lay it all out, along with a fully loaded threat to leave him, you may be able to convince him to go to therapy.
I'm also a resident in my husbands country. DH and I are fine but I know women here who are divorced and have to stay here or lose custody. It's scary but you've got to do what's best for you and olive, even if that means taking her away from him and his family and moving back home. Just think, would you want her to grow up thinking that the way he talks to / treats you is okay and eventually end up in a similar (or worse) relationship?
When it was finally the little man's turn to get his hair done, he had a freakout. Scared of getting haircuts i guess. My husband helped our friend restrain him. Several times he screamed even louder.
A few nights later, i was getting a video of Olive playing in her bassinet. I guess my husband didn't know i was making a video. He started talking about this kid who was a "dumb shit" and how he was a little asshole for slapping him. I laughed and said "yeah that's a 2 year old for you..." and he said "Well i got revenge. When i helped (friend's name here) hold him down, I pinched him." And i said "Wait.. you pinched a toddler?" And he said "Yup. His mom doesn't take care of things so i did"
My my husband and I are trying to make things work. If we can. If it doesn't we have both come to terms and have actually discussed our future plans if divorce were to happen, like adults.
Your husband seems as if he thinks he has the power to keep you under his control.
Lawyer up, set his ass straight, and let him know, he can be in her life and act civil about it. You are the breadwinner. You are the mother. You have video proof!! You have more advantages than he does, and if he wants to play dirty, what else can you do.
Please be smart, and don't let someone this weak control you, you're a strong woman. Please keep updating. PM me if you would ever like to talk. Good luck!
It sounds like you have a wonderful support system in Canada and that you could potentially keep working for the same company. You may want to talk to them to see what your options are for work there. Your housing situation may not be ideal at first but it's better to be in safe place. Also I believe a citizen AND Olive's mother you and she could go to Canada whenever you damn well please. You don't need your husband's permission to take anywhere or keep her from him until a custody arrangement is made in court, so he better be smarter about his threats. and you could probably file from there if needed. Talk to an attorney ASAP and put your passport and her birth certificate and Social security card someplace he can't find them.
I have nothing but respect for you for recognizing that you and Olive deserve better and being open to fixing it.
I am am not a shrink but I feel like he would improve dramatically with the right medication. Like a mood stabilizer or something. But he said he'd rather die than take meds for anything.
Its too bad.
ETA That was harsh, I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have multiple people in my life who struggle with mental health issues, and I've seen the impact when they refuse to get the help they need.
I'm not sure about age, which you look close to my age from what I can see in your picture, but I am 23, and I can have my whole life ahead of me to find a better person. If this works out, awesome! But there's a lot of work to do.
I think ink you need to weigh your options and look forward.
Well I'm older than you by a bit
My sister is a family lawyer. In canada but still. I haven't spoken to her yet but i might just hire her on..