Husband Conundrum--Should he stay or go?

AGK2015 · January 2016

We have a major conundrum on our hands, folks. It turns out that my husband's all time favorite band has reunited after breaking up 5 years ago, and they will be headlining at Coachella on April 15, 9 days before baby is due. Unfortunately, the concert is in California, but we're in Chicago. If this were happening any time but within 2 weeks of our due date, we'd be purchasing him a plane ticket for his birthday tonight. However, under the circumstances, I'm inclined to say that it's probably a bad idea. He has countered with the idea that he could fly out of Chicago on the afternoon of the 15th, and back on the morning of the 16th, missing less than 24 hours at my side. Obviously, if I was in labor at the time, he'd skip the trip. Additional tour dates may or may not be announced, but currently this is the only gig they have scheduled. Because internet strangers are the best source of relationship advice, I'm asking your opinions. He has agreed to abide by the wisdom of the ladies of April '16. What say you? Do I crush his dreams or do we take a walk on the wild side?

WBORDERS · January 2016

Aaahhh this is actually really hard!! I almost said no since I think your a FTM (if I remember) because you don't know what to expect. But then I changed my mind cause I think no matter how many babies you have you never know what to expect. Except for the fact that you're lives will change when baby is here. I've kinda been subscribing to the "lets do it while we can" idea though so maybe I'm crazy.

emgee27 · January 2016

I am due April 17th, the Sunday of weekend 1 of Coachella and we bought tix way back when. I'm still on the fence about what to do as I wanna go myself! (3 1/2 hour drive from our hospital.)

But more importantly is his favorite band that is reuniting GnR or LCD Soundsystem? This will be considered when I vote lol

AGK2015 · January 2016

Yup, FTM. And I definitely recognize that it's super unlikely that I'll actually go into labor while he's half a country away... But there's definitely a part of me that's concerned about the what ifs. What if the unthinkable happens and I do go into labor and have to go to the hospital? I am 100% opposed to having any other support person in the delivery room... Does that mean I'm stuck going it alone until he can catch a flight back, or worse yet having to beg my mother or a sister in law (neither of whom I'd want in the delivery room in any other circumstance) to come hold my hand?

And @emgee27, it's LCD. He's currently serenading me with the chorus of "All My Friends" every time a vote for Coachella comes in.

emgee27 · January 2016

Sorry @AGK2015 I had to vote to let him go. GnR, I would've voted no!

Why don't you come too and we can waddle around together hahaha!

AK118 · January 2016

@AGK2015 So, here's the thing... will you both feel sad if baby comes on time/ late and he could have gone? My co-worker's husband was across the country taking some sort of medical exam and her baby came three weeks early and he had to book a ticket and fly the crap out of there. Plus side: weather shouldn't impact flights in April (i.e. no snowstorm keeping all planes grounded).

I think it comes down to what you are both comfortable with - will you have a bff or family member on standby in case you go into labor and need help until he is back? And back to my "regret" point from earlier - which would he regret more: missing the band or missing baby (potentially).

Good luck! (and sorry I couldn't trick him into thinking my username was you

)

AGK2015 · January 2016

@emgee27 - Haha, while I definitely will not be going regardless of whether he does or not, husband is offering to meet up with you and give you a high five as a thank you for voting in his favor.

emgee27 · January 2016

You can do a few back up things if he ends up actually coming out here - buy a full fare ticket so it's easier to change/cancel, or at least the insurance add-on for the ticket. Have printed copies (plus saved copies on a phone/email) of all the flight options back home in the event he needs a quick flight out. Lay them out from fastest route home to longest for each day he's out. As someone who flies a lot for work, this will save you an immense amount of time. (Use https://matrix.itasoftware.com to find all flights from any airline.)

Chances are you'll go even past your due date. It's highly unlikely you'll go into super fast labor at the drop of a hat so theoretically he could make it home in time for the birth part. Have a plan on how to communicate so that he can change plans as soon as possible. Have a back up person in Chicago who can help him out with computer access too, I'm case it's easier for them to change his flight for him as he makes his way to the airport. Have an airport plan. (Super easy to pick up a taxi or uber at Coachella.)

Just make sure to have someone you trust and feel comfortable with lined up to be your in-the-meantime person.

Hope any of this helps! Just trying to give ya some peace of mind if he's away

loveymay · January 2016

I voted for him to stay home, lol. I love going to concerts, especially if I get to see my fav band! But in this situation, I wouldnt want my dh to go. For me it would be cutting it to close, and birth of the baby trumps going to a concert. But that's just me, you guys do whatever you are both comfortable with!

JadaBlue · January 2016

@emgee27 gave great practical advice, I would just emphasize that if you guys decide the upside is worth the risk, do arrange for backup support for you. Since you're not excited about your mom/sister, maybe a doula or friend?

AmadorRose · January 2016

I'm just going to say that if my husband missed the birth of our first child to attend a concert, I'd never let him live it down. Oh, there's a whole sink full of dishes? Remember that time you missed the birth of our eldest child?

Honestly, I really like @WBORDERS motto on this, provided he takes the precautions mentioned by @emgee27 . Mr. AGK2015 if you're here, I hope you plan something awesome for your incredible wife, because very few men are lucky enough to have a wife that would even consider letting you fly across the country so close to her due date.

elasticheart13 · January 2016

@AmadorRose I second everything you said. As much as I can understand how much it would mean to him to go to the concert and how bummed he'd be if you didn't go to labor that day, I'd rather be safe than sorry. Worst case scenario he'd miss the birth and I would never forgive DH if he did. So Mr. AGK2015, it's a no from me!

sprocketsngadgets · January 2016

DH was away on business when I went into labor with DD1 3 weeks before my due date. While my best friend was able to stand in for him (drive me to the hospital, try and keep me calm) there was a very real possibility he was going to miss the birth of our first child. We live in Georgia and he was in Maryland so it wasn't like he could just hop in a car and drive back. It took him nine hours to get to me and that was with taking the very first flight of the day (my water broke in the middle of the night) and speeding like crazy to the hospital. If I had a shorter labor he wouldn't have made it. If he wasn't flying from a major airport to a major airport, he probably wouldn't have made it. I would never wish that added stress on anyone so it's a big fat no from me.

Cowboycorgi · January 2016

Seeing as Sulfan Stevens will be there I vote that he goes, also that you go as well and deliver at the concert. This will guarantee your child is a music lover for life, right?

AmadorRose · January 2016

Cowboycorgi said:
Seeing as Sulfan Stevens will be there I vote that he goes, also that you go as well and deliver at the concert. This will guarantee your child is a music lover for life, right?

If she stands close to a speaker, the baby may just vibrate right out!

Ready4theParty · January 2016

I said no, there are too many what ifs. However I think it's whatever he feels comfortable with as well. There is a chance you could go late as a FTM. I am sure one of the other smart mom's has said it, but he should consider which he would be ok with missing more, the band or the birth of his child.

korpatch · January 2016

It's just a band. He'll survive.

imrachellea · January 2016

I'm not a huge concert-goer, so that might make my opinion biased already (don't get me wrong, I enjoy concerts, but we don't really go often and I didn't go that often when I was younger and single either). I voted no. If it were me in that situation, I would be so stressed out the whole time he was gone, which is not good, and I feel like added stress may even have the potential to induce labor...(not a doctor here, so that is not even remotely close to sound medical advice)? Being that your a FTM, the likelihood of you going into labor early is less than if it were a 2+ baby, but also given that you have nothing to compare it to you really don't know. I had timeable contractions for several hours at 38 weeks with DD1 (they did not get closer together though and just stopped) but she wasn't born until 4 days past her EDD. Plus, who will help you get off the bed and out of chairs if he isn't home?

SherlockedMom · January 2016

I can KIND of relate, on a smaller scale.

I'm a HUGE "Who-vian" and David Tennant fanatic. He's coming to Wizard World Comicon a few weeks before my due date. I wanted SO BADLY to get VIP tickets to meet him, but my last pregnancy I gave birth unexpectedly 4 weeks prior to my due date, so I just can't chance it......it's so unpredictable.

It's a huge bummer, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made.

cosmobella · January 2016

I voted no because it is just so close to your due date. I lived in Chicago for 7 years and did a lot of flying in and out. There were almost always delays at any time of the year (snow, thunderstorm, wind, etc.) which makes me nervous about him getting home when you need him.
If he doesn't go, your kid will be reminded of this for a lifetime- in a loving way, I'm sure!

AGK2015 · January 2016

It's interesting... We posted this kind of assuming we knew the answer would overwhelmingly be for husband to stay back with me, and we were prepared to let you all be the bad guys. But the fact that there are actually people who are saying to go for it, and not just two or three, is making me rethink my initial reluctance. Suddenly, the whole prospect doesn't seem quite so absurd. It may be just a concert to me, but their music is I think something a little more than that to him. It's also possibly his last chance for long while to go be completely irresponsible. Those opportunities will be much fewer and further between with an actual kid at home (as they should be). I mean, basically my uterus is a ticking time bomb of adult responsibilities. And the chances it'll go off in the 18 hours he's gone, more than a week before I'm sure are super slim... So screw it.

Trip insurance will be a must, and he'll be on the first flight out of California the next morning, but I'm thinking I'm going to send him. We'll figure out a contingency plan for the unlikely circumstance that I go into labor without him. Thanks for making me think, ladies.

rebelone · January 2016

I imagine the pay will be gravy too. If that was me I'd take a gamble that he'd be back on time and let him go, especially if it's a career. Even if it wasn't I'd understand he's part of band that travels so I'd probably still let him go.

spatter1 · January 2016

This is so hard. DH and I are huge music fans so I get the conundrum! That being said, I'd still probably say no. With no family near by to support just in case, I would be a nervous wreck. We actually have tickets to a concert for one of DH's favorite bands in NYC (about a 5 hour drive from us without traffic) a few weeks before our due date and DH is selling them. Granted, he has seen them perform several times so it's not like it's a once in a life time event he's missing. Either way, I would feel bad but ultimately think I'd have to say no

spicedice · January 2016

I said let him go, just because it's unlikely you will go into labor while he's gone. Most FTMs are about 3+ days late anyways. I say let him have this last hurrah before baby comes. DH's uncle had to be out of town in his wife's 5 week window, but he got home after his business trip just in time for his wife to go into labor the next day. Take that day as a relaxation day without your SO asking if the baby is coming every hour.

Sarcasm101 · January 2016

Has your H ever been Coachella? Does he have a place to stay? Because everything books up MONTHS in advance. And what airport would he use? Because if he has to go all the back to LAX or ONT, that wont be easy if something does happen.

spicedice · January 2016

Also, I would not go with the suggestion to tag along. Most doctors do not want you traveling after 30 something weeks just in case you go into labor. I was 36 weeks along with DS1 and started false labor while we were on my college graduation vacation at the coast. Luckily we didn't have to drive an hour and a half to get to the hospital, since I was able to stop the contractions at the beach house, but I realized then and there that traveling after 35 weeks should definitely be a no go.

AEG84 · January 2016

I'm firmly in the don't have him go camp, only because of how far away you are. I have to agree with PP who said that getting back home if he has to change his flight could be a challenge. Indio isn't exactly super close to an airport. Now if you were in AZ and it was a 4-hour drive, no biggie :P

amaniupendo · January 2016

I strongly believe he should plan to go. Book a full fare ticket or insurance in case of complications or labor. The odds that you'll be in labor those couple days are slim.

misstopsail · January 2016

I say go! If DH had something like that (he's a drummer in a past life, so music is big to him), I'd want him to go.
Book on Southwest, so if baby comes early, he can move the flight or cancel and not face a penalty.
Also, that way, if another show is announced at a better time, you can use that money to fly elsewhere to see it.. And I'm sure you could sell a coachella ticket!

olivemomma · January 2016

I voted he should go assuming the following: 1. There are viable options for him to get back same day if need be. 2. Trip insurance is purchased is case of a cancellation. 3. There is some kind of support you are comfortable with at home in case of his absence. If not okay with an inlaw possibly even arrange to have someone fly in you are comfortable with while he is gone.
the odds of you actually going into labor after he leaves and delivering before he returns the next day are exceedingly small. Obviously if something happens before he leaves he will cancel and if he takes off and the small chance you go into labor there is a great chance he could be back before you have the baby. Labor at the beginning does not have to be some crazy stressful thing they show in the movies. I labored about 12 hours at home, 9 of them by myself before my husband was home from work. I went grocery shopping during this and then just hung at home timing my contractions. And baby still didn't show up until the following morning. If you are a calm person I think you'll be just fine.

Sarcasm101 · January 2016

misstopsail said:

I say go! If DH had something like that (he's a drummer in a past life, so music is big to him), I'd want him to go. Book on Southwest, so if baby comes early, he can move the flight or cancel and not face a penalty. Also, that way, if another show is announced at a better time, you can use that money to fly elsewhere to see it.. And I'm sure you could sell a coachella ticket!

Its not that easy when the closest airport is at least 90 minutes away.

sarahufl · January 2016

Nope. And, frankly, I would be pissed if my H even asked if this was ok. If it was weeks AFTER, I would say sure, and just invite a sister/friend/parent to come stay with me. But no way would I want to risk my H not being there for the birth. Especially for a concert (then again, I'm not much of a concert-goer)

allaire314 · January 2016

Sorry to your hubby but I had to vote no. As a fellow FTM I would have so much stress and anxiety that close to my due date. Plus after looking up the band and some articles, it appears that 2016 dates are highly likely, so there will be other opportunities.

AGK2015 · January 2016

@Sarcasm101 - I'm thinking we'll have him fly into PSP. A little more expensive, as regional airports tend to be, but he'd only have a 1/2 hour trip back to the airport if things go haywire instead of the significantly longer drive to LAX (and, since he'll be just half an hour away from the venue, he'll be able to leave a bit later than would be necessary if he were to fly into a more distant airport). As for where he'll stay... I'd be booking him on the 6 a.m. flight back to O'Hare, so I'm not above forcing him to camp in the airport overnight if we can't find a reasonably priced hotel (even if that means staying awake all night in a hard plastic chair... lord knows I won't be sleeping by that time, why should he?). I'm also hoping we can convince a friend or two to go with him, mostly so he can experience the concert with them, but also so he'll have a backup transportation option if it turns out he gets there and absolutely needs to turn right back around and the only flights available that evening are out of LAX or SDO (no worrying about buses or hitchhiking or returning a rental car that way).

@fbanke42 - I definitely will NOT be going, and I'm fine missing it. Even if I were allowed to get on a plane, and willing to take the risk of delivering away from home, I'm not much of a concert-goer. Besides, from what I gather this band is kind of the soundtrack to a certain period in his life that predates me and involves some really special friendships... if anybody goes to keep him company, it should be those guys, not me.

emgee27 · January 2016

AGK2015 said:
@Sarcasm101 - I'm thinking we'll have him fly into PSP. A little more expensive, as regional airports tend to be, but he'd only have a 1/2 hour trip back to the airport if things go haywire instead of the significantly longer drive to LAX (and, since he'll be just half an hour away from the venue, he'll be able to leave a bit later than would be necessary if he were to fly into a more distant airport). As for where he'll stay... I'd be booking him on the 6 a.m. flight back to O'Hare, so I'm not above forcing him to camp in the airport overnight if we can't find a reasonably priced hotel (even if that means staying awake all night in a hard plastic chair... lord knows I won't be sleeping by that time, why should he?). I'm also hoping we can convince a friend or two to go with him, mostly so he can experience the concert with them, but also so he'll have a backup transportation option if it turns out he gets there and absolutely needs to turn right back around and the only flights available that evening are out of LAX or SDO (no worrying about buses or hitchhiking or returning a rental car that way).

@fbanke42 - I definitely will NOT be going, and I'm fine missing it. Even if I were allowed to get on a plane, and willing to take the risk of delivering away from home, I'm not much of a concert-goer. Besides, from what I gather this band is kind of the soundtrack to a certain period in his life that predates me and involves some really special friendships... if anybody goes to keep him company, it should be those guys, not me.

Even with being in the he-should-go camp (and the OMG-LCD-Soundsystem camp) he owes you big time because you are one cool wife. Evidence above and in previous post.

momofmanyinthemitten · January 2016

DH doesn't go out of town for the month before our EDD. I delivered early with all 3, and there's no way I'd want to do it without him. Also, he was at an out-of-town conference when I miscarried between #1 and #2. It wasn't fun.

RoseShadow873 · January 2016

What band is it? My answer might depend on that. If they are not old then they most likely will do a concert in the future.

thaisac1 · January 2016

I know someone who flew from Ottawa to San Francisco to present a research abstract at a conference a month before his wife was due. Wife went into labor while he was on the plane, had to be taken to the hospital by a friend. By the time he landed in SF and heard the news, he flew right back but baby was born while he was en route.
Moral of the story: Husbands should stay with us the last month of pregnancy as we never know when LO will come! A matter of priorities, in my opinion...

rebelone · January 2016

RoseShadow873 said:

What band is it? My answer might depend on that. If they are not old then they most likely will do a concert in the future.

Right, what band is it? Are they openers or headliners? That also might sway my decision.

AGK2015 · January 2016

rebelone said:

RoseShadow873 said:

What band is it? My answer might depend on that. If they are not old then they most likely will do a concert in the future.

Right, what band is it? Are they openers or headliners? That also might sway my decision.

It's LCD Soundsystem, and they're headlining. They broke up 5 years ago, and it's not clear whether this is a permanent reunion. While there's definitely a good chance they'll play again somewhere this year (maybe even closer to home!), they'll only have a first concert back together once. And while I was initially down with the idea of him taking a trip to NYC or something if need be to catch them in 2016, I'm thinking that having him leave on a fun trip when there's an actual baby to take care of might be more stressful than having him go when there's just the potential for a baby.

NateKlages · January 2016

It's LCD, let the man have his last hoo-ra or however that's spelled before the baby comes

Husband Conundrum--Should he stay or go?

Husband Conundrum--Should he stay or go? 133 votes

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