Anyone else feel nothing for the fetus?

EstrogenFest · October 2015

I'm not remotely attached. I don't get excited when I feel it move. I don't like it.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you force yourself to be happy about it like a normal mom.

willashbaby · October 2015

Personally, no, I love this little kicky lump. However I have heard of others experiencing this, it happens. Don't beat yourself up.

Unknown · October 2015

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indibidule · October 2015

It isn't the norm, but it does happen. It may be of help to you to sit down and talk to a counselor or someone to maybe get to the bottom of why you feel unattached.

indibidule · October 2015

It isn't the norm, but it does happen. It may be of help to you to sit down and talk to a counselor or someone to maybe get to the bottom of why you feel unattached.

apinkpelican · October 2015

I'm sorry you are not feeling the bond yet. I assume you are a FTM? I was somewhat detached from my first and still didn't get that magical feeling of instant love when they put her on my chest. But the love grew and now it overwhelms me.
Pregnancy is hard, weird and confusing. Don't beat yourself up. It will come in time. But if you start feeling really down/depressed about it please talk to your doctor.

Leah6120 · October 2015

Def talk to a counselor.. and keep in mind that there are thousands of families out there who would want this child if that's still the way you feel when he/she arrives. Know your options and above all find someone to talk to that can be objective.

willashbaby · October 2015

EstrogenFest said:

I don't want it. Never did. It's a long story but I am not excited. What if I feel nothing when it's born. I have to take care of it so I won't go to jail but that doesn't mean I will care about it.

Adoption? I'm sure there are THOUSANDS of women/men who would LOVE your baby.

ntyravgsp · October 2015

EstrogenFest said:
I don't want it. Never did. It's a long story but I am not excited.

What if I feel nothing when it's born. I have to take care of it so I won't go to jail but that doesn't mean I will care about it.

Sounds like you should probably be talking to a therapist rather than an internet forum. I doubt anyone here is qualified to to help you with this, but I agree with PPs, it isn't the norm.

apinkpelican · October 2015

Just saw your second post. It definitely sounds like you should be talking to a doctor or counselor asap.

ccoleeman · October 2015

I'm calling MUD here. Otherwise get yourself in touch with an adoption agency asap, and probably a therapist. OP isn't posting because she's worried about not loving her baby, she's calling "it" the "fetus" and has said she'll provide essentially enough to keep herself out of jail, and that she doesn't want "it". A daycare worker would provide more care than that.

I'm sorry but I can't muster any sympathy or even "I'm sure you'll have humane feelings about your child someday" responses.

Unknown · October 2015

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willashbaby · October 2015

So then give the baby to "bio father" if he won't terminate rights. If this is not MUD I sure hope for the sake of this baby that you figure something out.

ccoleeman · October 2015

No one was telling you why you hate "it". Quit trolling on here and find something better to do.

indibidule · October 2015

If the father isn't involved, financially or otherwise, you can petition the courts to terminate rights.

Unknown · October 2015

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ntyravgsp · October 2015

EstrogenFest said:
I'm not remotely attached. I don't get excited when I feel it move. I don't like it.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you force yourself to be happy about it like a normal mom.

Also I have a really hard time believing you don't already know how you will feel after "it" is born since this is your 5th baby.

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/comment/87907800#Comment_87907800

Unknown · October 2015

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ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

I'm praying for you. You must be feeling terrible. I really do not think abortion is the right answer when so many people would love and do anything to have your child. Speak to a counselor. Speak to a lawyer and find a way to get parental rights so you can give it to your friend for adoption. I can't imagine being your friend dying for a child of mine own and then watching you go stop the heartbeat of yours a couple of months before he or she arrives.

JDBtwinmama · October 2015

I'm very sorry you feel this way because after dh and I had a miscarriage our hearts were broken. Pregnancy is something you plan and decide as a family. If this was not your choice or wasn't planned and you
feel that you can't provide a loving home or a financially stable home for your child then you should make a better choice. If you think you are experiencing depression and mental health related issues then you need to contact the doctor again and tell them you're worried for your self. The correct choice is not to come on an online forum and lightly discuss a 3rd trimester abortion. That is unacceptable. That being said I'm sorry you're feeling unwell and I hope you seek treatment immediately out of concern for you and your unborn child.

Unknown · October 2015

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ccoleeman · October 2015

The bigger mental health issue here is why someone needs attention so badly they have to come on an Internet forum and make up drama like this, knowing fully well it would upset people.

On the slim chance that OP isn't straight up lying, she clearly doesn't care about solving this problem or else she would be using her small amount of free time between work and her 4 other kids to figure out a way to get her baby into a loving home instead of venting to the Internet where no one can provide any solution apart from feeling sorry for her.

sarahbeara25 · October 2015

EstrogenFest said:

It's too late to abort. Even unattached, I couldn't live with myself if I killed it. I'm anti-abortion except in case of rape or health concerns but I still made appointments to abort it. The ex sabotaged my appointments. Stuff like taking both sets of my keys so I couldn't go. I feel forced into this and I hate it. It's why I can't give it to him. He's made this whole thing miserable. Reproductive coercion is a type of abuse. He shouldn't get a baby out of it. I was ok when I thought it could go to my friend. But once I had an actual person to adopt it he said I couldn't. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to get attached. I only have about 13 weeks left. I'm hoping that giving it a name will help humanize it. I'm scared that it's going to be born and I'm going to hate it. I need to fix this before that happens.

You need to talk to a professional. That may be a doctor, psychologist, or social worker. The women here are wonderful, but no one can give you any more real information than this, and that's what you've seen. This is a situation that you cannot get real advice from an internet forum. I sympathize, but this is too big for us.

ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

Tell your doctor how you feel. I promise you that you will not be the first person to have said this to them and they will not judge you.

Unknown · October 2015

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maureenmce · October 2015

OP, please talk to a therapist. Your OBGYN is not qualified to help you with emotional issues like this. A therapist can. Nearly every city has low cost or no cost options for therapy for women in crisis. (You can google sliding scale therapy, women in crisis therapy or counseling etc.)

Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

Unknown · October 2015

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ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

I'm horrified that you would say what you just said on here (which are just your feelings) to your OB and her response was take your prenatal vitamins, shame on her. She should lose her license. Obviously she isn't a therapist but she should have been able to point you to resources that can help you. I find this very alarming that she would ignore and dismiss your feelings. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Try researching some counselors in your area. There are some that specialize in pregnancy mental health. I'm actually going to meet with one next week.

Unknown · October 2015

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holocene · October 2015

This is your fifth daughter. Remember the love you felt at the birth of each other your other four children, and the love that hopefully you feel today.

I saw your post on the baby names board about loosing your brother this summer. It sounds like you've had a lot going on, but even still, these emotions you are feeling are incredibly unhealthy and concerning. I urge you to speak with a therapist. If these feelings continue after her birth, please consider adoption. No child deserves to grow up feeling unloved or resented because of issues her mother had with her biological father.

I hope you can find some peace, for your daughters sake.

Achae · October 2015

EstrogenFest said:
I have another appt in two weeks. Plus another ultrasound. I'll ask my doctor if there's someone there I can talk to.

Are you high risk? How have you have five ultrasounds already yet not had the chance to talk to a doctor? I don't believe that you've been brushed off at every single one of these appointments. Mud.

PedsIsHardcore · October 2015

I encourage you to talk to a therapist. Being maternal is a learned trait, not a biological one. I wasn't happy or connected to this baby until my MFM started going through my possible risks.

For me this was a pregnancy that wasn't supposed to be possible (I had Cushing's Syndrome with cortisol levels more than twice the normal range and we were doing testing to find out where the tumor was when we found out I was pregnant, besides other health issues)and I was planning on going back to nursing school for my BSN.

I'm depressed still with lots of anxiety so I am seeing a therapist to help me since I can't be on the medication that I would normally take when I'm not pregnant. I will be treated for PPD after I have this baby because I had PPD with my DD.

Everyone has a different biochemistry and hormones paired with changes in biochemistry will give you different results than previously achieved. You are not alone!

Lljbean · October 2015

If anything, hopefully the doctor reported this to the local health department on the behalf of this poor child. If any of this is even true, which like everyone else. I say MUD.

I know it's been "boring" around here lately but this is beyond ridiculous.

ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

I don't know why everyone assumes this is MUD (does that stand for made up drama?) People have feelings similar to OP-- i think they may be fairly common symptoms of depression.

She says she had a recent death in her immediate family, obviously things didn't end well with her ex, she has other children - that sounds like a perfect storm for stress and depression. I've had five ultrasounds (to rule out ectopic, dating, anatomy, anatomy again because they couldn't see baby's spine due to her position, another one just to look at baby's heart because I have a heart condition) and I have one more because my doctor orders a routine one at 30 weeks - I am not considered high risk. At none of these ultrasounds was there an opportunity to tell the tech that I wasn't feeling right mentally (had that been the case).

To me it looks like she is calling out for help (and while I agree with PP that as Internet strangers we don't really have the capacity to help), I feel terrible for her that not only are we not helping but that we are actually hurting and calling BS on her. (And Yes- I was offended by the way she phrased certain things, but I put that aside because it seemed to me like her language was coming from a place of pain).

ntyravgsp · October 2015

ChrissyD1203 said:
I don't know why everyone assumes this is MUD (does that stand for made up drama?) People have feelings similar to OP-- i think they may be fairly common symptoms of depression.

She says she had a recent death in her immediate family, obviously things didn't end well with her ex, she has other children - that sounds like a perfect storm for stress and depression. I've had five ultrasounds (to rule out ectopic, dating, anatomy, anatomy again because they couldn't see baby's spine due to her position, another one just to look at baby's heart because I have a heart condition) and I have one more because my doctor orders a routine one at 30 weeks - I am not considered high risk. At none of these ultrasounds was there an opportunity to tell the tech that I wasn't feeling right mentally (had that been the case).

To me it looks like she is calling out for help (and while I agree with PP that as Internet strangers we don't really have the capacity to help), I feel terrible for her that not only are we not helping but that we are actually hurting and calling BS on her. (And Yes- I was offended by the way she phrased certain things, but I put that aside because it seemed to me like her language was coming from a place of pain).

She has gotten numerous suggestions to talk with mental health professionals from many people on here. However, parts of this story don't add up, which make it sound highly unlikely to be true. Also, she keeps rejecting perfectly valid and helpful suggestions in favor of stirring up more responses by making completely ridiculous statements. Perhaps it is a real person with a real problem, but if that's the case she obviously doesn't want real help - if she did she wouldn't be deterred by a doctor not responding adequately or telling people she doesn't need to talk to a counselor or therapist when there are clearly mental health issues involved.

By continuing to respond to her this thread is just being dragged out far longer than necessary.

ccoleeman · October 2015

@ChrissyD1203 I'd have a much easier time believing she was calling out for help if she had acknowledged any person's suggestions in her responses.

An Internet forum is not a place to go to for help. The best we can offer is sympathy. Considering this is a board full of women who have experienced loss, devastating news, etc, this is not the place for that, and she knows that. She says she hates her "fetus", has tried to abort, and plans to give it enough care to keep herself out of jail. You know who else gives someone just enough care to keep themselves out of jail? The sociopaths who abuse women and children. Pre natal and post partum depression are real issues, and she's giving clear warning signs that she's a danger to herself and her children.
Assuming any of her post is true, it warrants far more than an "awww I'm sorry you feel that way, thoughts and prayers!" response.

IF this were true, the justice system needs involved to advocate for her help and to get her away from a supposed abusive SO. There is literally nothing we could do if we wanted to, and she knows that. So, she's either hunting for sympathy, or attention. Neither of those solve actual problems. How many homeless have been fed from people's sympathy? 0.

I'm still calling MUD here though, because she ignored all the well meaning responses urging her to talk to a counselor, crisis intervention specialist, social services, etc. If she were actually concerned for her own situation, a response like "good idea, but what would it cost?" might be expected. Not "I need cupids arrows". She does not care about getting help.

Kelley421 · October 2015

I agree that here is not a good place for this post. The post and OPs responses make me sick.

hplunkett2883 · October 2015

***Lurking***

OP if you have cut all communication with the baby's father, couldn't you just lie and say you don't know who the father is and give the baby up for adoption anyway? Your friend may not be the one to get your baby but some other loving family would. I think if you really felt as detached and didn't not want this baby you would be doing everything you could to give it away. Or maybe you do hate it so much you'd rather it live with you and your resentment towards it. Just saying. There are options, you just need to be researching them instead of this online forum of pregnant women who actually love and want their babies.

Unknown · October 2015

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AlabamaWorley · October 2015

MUD

nlwz123 · October 2015

Dirty, dirty MUD.

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