How should I tell my best friend who lost a child that we are expecting?

angiem8207 · September 2015

My best friend from college (like 10+ years) and her husband had a baby girl in April. My friend was only 24 weeks pregnant. Olivia lived for 12 days and then passed away. I was there at the hospital and there afterwards for her as best as I could be. I am really torn on how to tell them my husband and I are expecting...any suggestions?

nerdymama15 · September 2015

Unfortunately, there isn't going to be any easy or best way to tell her. But I would be mentally prepared for the potential for it to not go very well no matter how gently you try to break the news. There is a big emotional scar there and some things unfortunately just trigger emotions that cannot be helped. And if it does not go well, remember it is not your fault. You cannot control another person's emotions. Just be as gentle as you can.

babymackey · September 2015

This is so touchy! I thought I was in a tough situation having to break the news to my cousin who hasn't been able to get pregnant and has tried about everything. We are the same age and grew up together and so I am nervous but having lost a baby is a whole different kind of pain, I would imagine. I haven't been exactly here myself but I did recently have to tell my news to a friend who is younger and single and unfortunately recently had a regretted abortion and that was difficult as well. My gut says do it in private, be gentle and compassionate, and make sure she knows you understand that if it's too much for her to be a part of you wont be hurt and you will be cautious and respectful of what is said in her presence.

LizC216 · September 2015

Agree with all of what @nerdymama15 said.

And I just want to add this...My best friend had just been through her second miscarriage, when I got pregnant with my first. They had been trying for a very long time, so I tried to avoid telling her. When I finally did tell her, she was actually kind of mad that I felt like I had to keep it from her. She said it was a little tough to hear, but that she was so happy for us. I appreciated her honesty.

ChechSt · September 2015

I'm in a similar situation. My best friend suffered two MC this year. Se is not dealing with it very well. I totally understand her because I also had two MC and know how hard is to get going with your life. And that is why I'm so scared about telling her. It was really hard for me hearing about succesfull pregnancies. Not that I am proud about that.
@angiem8207 please tell us if you already told her and how are both of you.

stephaniedavideliuk · September 2015

We lost our son Oliver at 22 weeks so I can give you some first hand advice. Talk to her one on one in a comfortable place (don't go to a coffee shop, think at home on the couch) so that she can cry if she needs to. It's not that she won't be happy for you, it's just that it will remind her of what she went through. Depending on how difficult it is for her to think about Olivia, she may not be really into holding your baby right away but I promise she could not be happier for you. It'd this tough emotional roller coaster because you really feel two different ways at the same time. Also, make sure you tell her sooner rather than later. She will want to find out directly through you and not the grape vine. Good Luck!

Cassandramariec · September 2015

Our very close friends (out of state) just faced a second bout of testicular cancer, and there were no viable sperm to save. The wife is only 20, and now facing the fact that they will never have a child on their own-- AND well meant but unhelpful advice left and right. This happened just over two months ago-- right before we conceived. I was beginning to fear my own chances after a MC and months of no luck, and could commiserate. Since then, they've had other personal (unrelated) setbacks as well.

Last time, they were one of the first we told. This time, we waited until successful US because I didn't want them worrying with us those first weeks. We had the appointment yesterday-- all is well. Now we are deciding how we will tell them. The distance makes it hard.

I will update when we do so.

SaraJan2014 · October 2015

I am in the same boat too. Best friend of 25 years lost her baby early this year at 24 weeks after several years TTC. I am hoping they will be pregnant again before I start to show so my news won't be received as hurtful. We are only telling family this trimester anyways, but I may wait an extra month to tell her and cross my fingers until then.

BeansMom2014 · October 2015

It's so so hard. With my first I had a friend who had been trying for YEARS....with multiple miscarriages. I ended up writing her an email since she lived so far away and I didn't want her to have to respond right away (like if I had called her) if she didn't want to. She told me she cried when she read it and then showed it to her best friend, who THANKFULLY said "that was the exact right thing to do, what a thoughtful friend" PHEW. It felt good knowing that she could feel my hurt for her and take her time processing the news without feeling like she had to just automatically be excited....she was thrilled, after a few days.

gracefulruby33 · October 2015

My sister in law has had one loss, several failed IUIs and one failed IVF. It was hard to tell her because of that. My MIL practically ran us over when we opened the door last weekend (she's known since I POS basically, but we made her wait to tell anyone). DH brought up the u/s pic on his iPad and showed SIL and she was genuinely happy for us, and even cried tears of joy.

One of my good friends that I've gotten to know through my daughter's playgroup has been having a hard time with secondary infertility. She had a failed IUI this month, revealing that news after I asked her how she was doing (knowing she had the procedure done). Then she asked me how I was doing in a hopeful, curious tone (you know that tone I'm talking about). Immediately after her telling me about her news, I told her mine and she was happy as well, although I could tell it was bittersweet, and totally understandably so.

As hard as it might be for your friend to hear the news, you should give her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to telling the news. Do what feels comfortable for you and your friendship (for instance, I couldn't tell my best friend over an email, but for another friend, it might be appropriate).

angiem8207 · October 2015

Thank you. My husband and I are planning on telling her and her husband next weekend. They will be our first friends to know.

prettynp01 · October 2015

Just tell her. I actually had a friend to be pregnant after my loss. I think having her new baby to think about helped me not think about mine so much. I notice o ask about the baby alot but I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would have.

How should I tell my best friend who lost a child that we are expecting?

Re: How should I tell my best friend who lost a child that we are expecting?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards