First, my opinion on it- I feel that coed showers really are often "forcing" men to participate. And it's often a flurry of "how do we change the shower so that the guys will enjoy it?". to me that loses the point, TBH (although, I DO fully agree that some shower traditions can easily be done away with). While a truly 100% traditional woman's shower would bore the bejusus out of me, when you now HAVE to make it a BBQ w/ beer and make it a "party" because otherwise, the men will hate it... um, really?
Past that, this one comment I can't agree with more:
The real cultural change that would encourage dads to be equal partners
in parenting is not including them in some lame baby shower. It’s
paternity leave.
Attending a shower isn't going to magically make the dad an involved dad. Yes, it's his kid too, but here's the other reality of life- PLENTY of things are going to be done by only one parent in their child's life. I don't see why the SHOWER is the all important event that both parents HAVE to be at.
Plus also, as I get older, I really do find that I enjoy having good WOMEN only time sometimes. I like my girlfriends, I like hanging out with them. SOmetimes men being there changes the dynamic. Sometimes I like the EXCUSE to get out w/o my DH!
Now, all that being said, if a soon-to-be dad really wants to be involved and wants to be at the shower, then great. Go for it! Make it co ed. But if there is going to be any degree of "making" him go - why force it? There will be much more important events down the road where his attendance really matters. A baby shower just isn't it.
I only skimmed the article too. I have never been to a co-Ed showers. However, there was no chaffed nipple, tearing etc talk at my shower. Maybe it was because showers in my area are typically done after the baby is born. Maybe it was because DS had colic and screamed throughout the entire thing (my aunt took him to the kitchen the whole time).
I honestly can't think of any shower that I have been to that has centred on that type of talk. DH knows he is equally responsible for DS. He takes great care of him and is incredibly involved. He didn't need to go to a shower to know that DS is his responsibility too. By that logic, FTM who don't want / aren't offered a shower wouldn't know that the child is their responsibility.
I have never heard of co-Ed showers before TB. I don't know how common they are. I don't specifically think they need to be a bbq so the men will enjoy. I don't like showers - at all; i find them very boring. This is why I didn't want one, but my sister really wanted to throw one. I go and sit through it and have some fun and make small talk. Men can do that too if they find it boring.
Anyway, my advice. I think the article (and the ones referenced that say showers NEED to be co-Ed) misses the point. If you want a go-Ed shower and that works for your host, have one.
However, there was no chaffed nipple, tearing etc talk at my shower.
That actually made me LOL. I've never been to a shower w/ that kind of talk either. I mean, there may be SOME women trying to pass on advice to the mom. I don't know - i'm not right there w/ the MTB the entire time. BUT by and large, it's usually a gathering of friends and family who are using the time to congratulate the MTB and to catch up w/ each other.
We threw my sister a co-ed baby shower because she doesn't have a lot of female friends and it's what she preferred. Personally, while the food was good and no one talked about any in-depth pregnancy/baby issues (PP bleeding, nipples, etc), I could get the vibe that some of the guys would have preferred to spend their afternoon doing something else.
The FTB wanted to be there but I don't think that it's necessary to make a shower co-ed if the father does want to attend. I can see why he would want to be there (it's his child) but I don't think his friends would feel the same and be forced to attend.
As long as the event isn't centered around specific gift requests or breaching other etiquette issues, I think showers are evolving into more casual events and I think it's fine. If the MTB wants a more formal shower and men are invited, they sort of have to suck it up in that respect. I don't believe they should be purposely made to be more casual just because men are there.
What a lot of these arguments against co-ed showers miss is that a shower doesn't have to be a "shower." Yes, men would be incredibly bored with shitty games and punch and opening gifts, but when you make it more of a casual get-together with good food, possibly some beer, and NO gift opening, it's not unappealing.
We have many male and couple friends who are thrilled about my pregnancy and we can't imagine leaving them out of any "festivities." I hate the traditional pastel baby showers and am really looking forward to having some good times with ALL my friends. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing what I want just to appease the men-folk.
Every community, family, circle of friends is different though - just do what feels right, what you and the host are comfortable with, and screw everyone else!
What a lot of these arguments against co-ed showers miss is that a shower doesn't have to be a "shower." Yes, men would be incredibly bored with shitty games and punch and opening gifts, but when you make it more of a casual get-together with good food, possibly some beer, and NO gift opening, it's not unappealing.
We have many male and couple friends who are thrilled about my pregnancy and we can't imagine leaving them out of any "festivities." I hate the traditional pastel baby showers and am really looking forward to having some good times with ALL my friends. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing what I want just to appease the men-folk.
Every community, family, circle of friends is different though - just do what feels right, what you and the host are comfortable with, and screw everyone else!
I don't disagree with a lot of what you said. I do think that the idea of a shower and what it means is changing to a degree.
BUT the one area I disagree with you is the gift opening. If you are going to have a shower, which means it's a gift-giving event, you need to open your gifts. And yes, this is steeped in tradition too, but there are a LOT of people (YOUNG and old alike!) who do actually want and expect to see the gifts opened.
is it kind of boring? Sure. But if you're having a party where you're basically saying "Hey- come and spend your tiem AND money on me", yeah... you should do the polite and expected thing and open the gifts.
I'll even say- if you throw any kind of baby related party before the baby is born, even if you don't call it a shower, many people will still assume it's a shower and will show up w/ a gift.
If you just want to have a casual party and that's all it is and once people show up, you're all "Yay - I'm glad yo ucame. I wanted one last kid-free hurrah!", great. But once you say "come celebrate our baby!!!", people will immediately think "shower" and therefore "gifts".
But I don't think this one aspect of the shower experience should be skipped just so that the MEN aren't bored.
I have to agree with @Vor on the gift opening. If I went to a baby shower and the MTB didn't open gifts, I'd be hurt and offended, as I'm sure many others would. If people are taking the time, effort, and money to buy you a gift, the polite thing to do is open it in their presence.
The idea of display showers and no gift opening is one shower trend that I am not on board with.
Questions about gift opening - my SIL on DH's side is throwing my a coed baby bbq party and I didn't want to put my registry on the invites because I didn't want people to feel obligated to get a gift as it's more of just a party to celebrate not a shower. Also my other SIL is throwing me a more formal shower which will be earlier in the month and I'm sure we will get all we need at that shower. Anyways, knowing DH's side of the family - I'm sure plenty people will show up with random gifts or diapers but I'm also sure plenty will not think about it. I was thinking I would not open gifts at the party as to not put people who didn't bring gifts in an awkward position.. thoughts?
Maybe open the gifts off in a corner and have an acitivity going on at the same time. This way people can leave the activity and watch you open their gifts if they choose too.
As far as co-ed showers are concerned, my husband has been to two and he didn't really like them and would prefer not to go to one again.
A couple of my friends hosted a co-ed shower for us. It was much more of a backyard party then a "shower". The only baby related things that took place were a pool to guess the sex and birth date, a baby themed cake, and the pile of presents which we didn't open in front of everyone (gifts weren't expected and we didn't want those that didn't bring one to feel awkward) I liked it - it was a great chance to see friends, and the conversations ranged from baby talk to work to sports, etc.
Our mothers also threw us a more traditional shower so we got the best of both worlds. Hubby did attend that shower, and a few random men (our dads and some uncles) but it was pretty female oriented.
Questions about gift opening - my SIL on DH's side is throwing my a coed baby bbq party and I didn't want to put my registry on the invites because I didn't want people to feel obligated to get a gift as it's more of just a party to celebrate not a shower. Also my other SIL is throwing me a more formal shower which will be earlier in the month and I'm sure we will get all we need at that shower. Anyways, knowing DH's side of the family - I'm sure plenty people will show up with random gifts or diapers but I'm also sure plenty will not think about it. I was thinking I would not open gifts at the party as to not put people who didn't bring gifts in an awkward position.. thoughts?
If it's not an actual baby shower, then I would just approach it the same as any other party. If people bring gifts, open them privately and send a prompt thank you card.
Eh, barbecue-style co-ed showers are as stupid as any other megashowers where women invite everyone they know and everyone dreads going. If her closest friends are male, then by all means, invite them, but if we could just get back to nice small simple shower like they were intended to be, then the gift-opening wouldn't go on for hours, the crowd would be intimate enough that the guests could carry on non-awkward conversation, and the host would know the guest list well enough to know whether silly games were going to go over well. I agree with PPs that women don't actually tend to pass down nipple stories and birthing tips at showers, but to the author's point, the right tone for a shower is that of celebrating the mother-to-be, not trying so hard to mask the fact that it's a shower by having kegs of beer and ignoring the gifts.
VOR and dufferoo captured most of my philosophy on this beautifully.
I will add that if you don't want to have a traditional shower, and if you're more interested in getting together for one last child free "hurrah" with adult friends, by all means, do so. But call this event what it really is: a party.
Eh, barbecue-style co-ed showers are as stupid as any other megashowers where women invite everyone they know and everyone dreads going. If her closest friends are male, then by all means, invite them, but if we could just get back to nice small simple shower like they were intended to be, then the gift-opening wouldn't go on for hours, the crowd would be intimate enough that the guests could carry on non-awkward conversation, and the host would know the guest list well enough to know whether silly games were going to go over well. I agree with PPs that women don't actually tend to pass down nipple stories and birthing tips at showers, but to the author's point, the right tone for a shower is that of celebrating the mother-to-be, not trying so hard to mask the fact that it's a shower by having kegs of beer and ignoring the gifts.
God, I wish I could "Like" this 10 times over. yes yes yes. Showers didn't used to be these EVENTS that now seem to practically be on par with weddings. They were small, simple events. The MTBs truly nearest and dearest. SO much of what I see these days (or at least asked about on forums) has such an air of entitlement. And then a million justifications about "But I don't want to offend anyone/ I just want to celebrate/ it's not about the gifts", etc.
If showers were still what they used to be, ALL THIS ANGST wouldn't exist.
I think it completely depends on your situation. My husband and I had a co-ed shower and if i had to do it over i wouldn't change a thing. I am the first one in my and DHs group of friends having a kid so the "typical" shower talk was non-existent anyways. Also our plan was for my DH to stay home with DD so I felt he deserved to be a part of it. A mutual female friend was the hostess and she completely agreed. DH smoked a brisket and home brewed some beer for it and we sat around outside having a ball. Bets were placed on DD's birth date and the women fed applesauce blindfolded to the men that wanted to take place...wine and chocolate were the prizes. We are REALLY laid back people so it worked for us. I think the main thing to keep in mind is if the guy is going to be wishing he wasn't there the whole time then maybe it shouldn't be co-ed. hope this helps
My shower is going to be October 3rd and will be a coed, outdoor BBQ. As far as I know, the cake will be Lion King (like the nursery) and the colors of the decorations will correspond with the cake. There will be one or two games and I believe my friend is including a book raffle, as well. I never talked with my friend as to what I desired because she is being kind enough to throw it, but she must know me very well. I hate traditional baby showers, all those cheesy games and whatnot. They're boring to me. Plus, a large majority of the very important people in my life are men. Brothers, father, uncles, cousins and friends. If the shower wasn't coed, it would not be any different. Just smaller. It works for our social circle. We will be in large yard with plenty to do, I hate the thought of someone being obligated to stand around watching me open gifts and this way they won't have to. My friend had to talk me into including my registry at all.
i didn't read the article or people's responses but a big drawback to me is less gifts lol. Your host has pay for two meals per gift- versus one. You will probably end up inviting same amount of people but couples gift together, so you end up with less. That's my honest opinion- probably not a popular one.
Feb '16 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Thing About Fall: Haunted Houses and Scary Movies!
I hate baby showers and I'm a woman but I go to support my friend or family member. If a guy is truly your friend they should suck it up and support you. I don't see why showers need to be tailored so the men aren't "god forbid" bored. Showers are usually boring but it's about celebrating a new mother so it should be about her.
I'm not having a shower but if I did it would be co-ed because all my friends are guys. Also my DH was offended by the entire concept. In his words "men are adults they should know how to behave when bored. You shouldn't need beer to entice a man to go to something. They should do it because it's a special occasion celebrating someone important in their lives."
Re: Benefits & Drawbacks of Coed Showers
First, my opinion on it- I feel that coed showers really are often "forcing" men to participate. And it's often a flurry of "how do we change the shower so that the guys will enjoy it?". to me that loses the point, TBH (although, I DO fully agree that some shower traditions can easily be done away with). While a truly 100% traditional woman's shower would bore the bejusus out of me, when you now HAVE to make it a BBQ w/ beer and make it a "party" because otherwise, the men will hate it... um, really?
Past that, this one comment I can't agree with more:
The real cultural change that would encourage dads to be equal partners in parenting is not including them in some lame baby shower. It’s paternity leave.
Attending a shower isn't going to magically make the dad an involved dad. Yes, it's his kid too, but here's the other reality of life- PLENTY of things are going to be done by only one parent in their child's life. I don't see why the SHOWER is the all important event that both parents HAVE to be at.
Plus also, as I get older, I really do find that I enjoy having good WOMEN only time sometimes. I like my girlfriends, I like hanging out with them. SOmetimes men being there changes the dynamic. Sometimes I like the EXCUSE to get out w/o my DH!
Now, all that being said, if a soon-to-be dad really wants to be involved and wants to be at the shower, then great. Go for it! Make it co ed. But if there is going to be any degree of "making" him go - why force it? There will be much more important events down the road where his attendance really matters. A baby shower just isn't it.
I honestly can't think of any shower that I have been to that has centred on that type of talk. DH knows he is equally responsible for DS. He takes great care of him and is incredibly involved. He didn't need to go to a shower to know that DS is his responsibility too. By that logic, FTM who don't want / aren't offered a shower wouldn't know that the child is their responsibility.
I have never heard of co-Ed showers before TB. I don't know how common they are. I don't specifically think they need to be a bbq so the men will enjoy. I don't like showers - at all; i find them very boring. This is why I didn't want one, but my sister really wanted to throw one. I go and sit through it and have some fun and make small talk. Men can do that too if they find it boring.
Anyway, my advice. I think the article (and the ones referenced that say showers NEED to be co-Ed) misses the point. If you want a go-Ed shower and that works for your host, have one.
We have many male and couple friends who are thrilled about my pregnancy and we can't imagine leaving them out of any "festivities." I hate the traditional pastel baby showers and am really looking forward to having some good times with ALL my friends. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing what I want just to appease the men-folk.
Every community, family, circle of friends is different though - just do what feels right, what you and the host are comfortable with, and screw everyone else!
BUT the one area I disagree with you is the gift opening. If you are going to have a shower, which means it's a gift-giving event, you need to open your gifts. And yes, this is steeped in tradition too, but there are a LOT of people (YOUNG and old alike!) who do actually want and expect to see the gifts opened.
is it kind of boring? Sure. But if you're having a party where you're basically saying "Hey- come and spend your tiem AND money on me", yeah... you should do the polite and expected thing and open the gifts.
I'll even say- if you throw any kind of baby related party before the baby is born, even if you don't call it a shower, many people will still assume it's a shower and will show up w/ a gift.
If you just want to have a casual party and that's all it is and once people show up, you're all "Yay - I'm glad yo ucame. I wanted one last kid-free hurrah!", great. But once you say "come celebrate our baby!!!", people will immediately think "shower" and therefore "gifts".
But I don't think this one aspect of the shower experience should be skipped just so that the MEN aren't bored.
ETA but of course gifts should be opened there.
Our mothers also threw us a more traditional shower so we got the best of both worlds. Hubby did attend that shower, and a few random men (our dads and some uncles) but it was pretty female oriented.
If showers were still what they used to be, ALL THIS ANGST wouldn't exist.
Your host has pay for two meals per gift- versus one. You will probably end up inviting same amount of people but couples gift together, so you end up with less. That's my honest opinion- probably not a popular one.
Showers are usually boring but it's about celebrating a new mother so it should be about her.
I'm not having a shower but if I did it would be co-ed because all my friends are guys. Also my DH was offended by the entire concept. In his words "men are adults they should know how to behave when bored. You shouldn't need beer to entice a man to go to something. They should do it because it's a special occasion celebrating someone important in their lives."
BFP: 07/14/2015
DS:3/30/2016