Dear mother... As my child care for 4yo ds during my post partum hospital stay.... Why the fxxk would you go on an out of state vacation during my thirty ninth week of pregnancy when I've already had 2 trips to l&d to stop contractions? Just curious, because you know I don't have any other person in a ninety mile radius who can keep my kid while I'm giving birth....
Thanks, Your only child
Dear baby: Since my employer and your nana are both completely blind sided by this surprise pregnancy that they've known about literally known about since October, please stay put until exactly June 30th, even everyone will be at least somewhat prepared... And then shoot out like a cannonball if you have to, because good gravy, ****I'M**** ready, even if no one else is. Love, Your stressed out, fast, sweaty, miserable mama whose uterus has been squeezing you every five to seven minutes for approximately six hours a day over the last month
Please keep the hilarious "when are you firing this kid out?" comments coming. They are much better than the random friends sending "Hey! How are you doing?" comments.
I prefer "launch that baby", "fire", and "expel" to "how's your cervix?", because you know nothing about childbirth, can't bug me about embarrassing details, and aren't annoying.
Thanks for leaving the garage door open and letting a hundred Mosquitos in the house (literally a hundred Mosquitos). Not that I have enough on my plate...I'm sure all the pics of me in the hospital will look awesome with me and a zillion bites!
Dear Husband, Please stop being so f'ing self absorbed and take care of our DS so I can properly care for our new daughter. He needs the full attention of at least one parent right now... He's not even 2 yet and needs extra attention. Let him know that you still love him even though we have a new baby. I am doing my best to do this, too but I cAn only do so much since you hardly even hold the baby. Also, I know you have a right to be tired but since I'm exclusively breastfeeding I get way less sleep than you. Therefore I should be napping as much as possible especially since our baby girl has her days and nights mixed up. Love Your exahausted wife
Thanks for being such a good friend you forgot I don't have Facebook and sending a Facebook message about ordering your bridesmaids dresses. Second, I'm nine months pregnant... Can I wait a week to order ? And you didn't ask the nice lady from the website how long it takes to get the dress? Because " it slipped your mind"
Love, Your hormonal pissed off giant fat bridesmaid
Thanks for being such a good friend you forgot I don't have Facebook and sending a Facebook message about ordering your bridesmaids dresses. Second, I'm nine months pregnant... Can I wait a week to order ? And you didn't ask the nice lady from the website how long it takes to get the dress? Because " it slipped your mind"
Love, Your hormonal pissed off giant fat bridesmaid
Dear friend,
Thanks for being such a good friend you forgot I don't have Facebook and sending a Facebook message about ordering your bridesmaids dresses.
Second, I'm nine months pregnant... Can I wait a week to order ?
And you didn't ask the nice lady from the website how long it takes to get the dress? Because " it slipped your mind"
Love,
Your hormonal pissed off giant fat bridesmaid
YESSSS to this gif on SO many levels!!! Hahaha. Made my morning
Dear coworker who I truly love, Please take better care of your self. I understand migraines/vomiting and that you have a seizure disorder. I also understand that you have had gastric bypass surgery and that you don't eat and take care of your self the way you need to. Drinking diet drinks because it means you don't have to use the bathroom as frequently is not a good idea. I love you and I hate you feel bad, but I seriously cannot remember the last time you worked a full week. Why did you have to call in today when 2 people are going to be gone for conferences? Please take care of your self!
Sincerely, a lady who is terrified of going into labor and leaving everyone hanging
Dear Boss, Please have something worthwhile to talk about if you are going to ask me to have a check-in call with you during my maternity leave for which I do not get paid. Although hopefully no one's quitting in my absence or anything because then I'd feel bad. Or not. I might not care - it's my first day home with LO alone. And there's a total chance I blow through the call if LO is on a tear at exactly 1 pm. Hope that's cool!
Sincerely, Lady who hopes you are just wanting to see the baby but that's probably not it
Dear Boss, Please have something worthwhile to talk about if you are going to ask me to have a check-in call with you during my maternity leave for which I do not get paid. Although hopefully no one's quitting in my absence or anything because then I'd feel bad. Or not. I might not care - it's my first day home with LO alone. And there's a total chance I blow through the call if LO is on a tear at exactly 1 pm. Hope that's cool!
Sincerely, Lady who hopes you are just wanting to see the baby but that's probably not it
Seriously, if you aren't getting paid for it totally say blow off those calls..Pls spend time bonding with your baby and recovering. If she really needs you she will call you. They can function without you for a few weeks. Maybe even tell her if it's super important to email you an update. I hate when jobs infringe on your personal life. Like you are supposed to be connected 24/7. Jeez!
Dear Boss, Please have something worthwhile to talk about if you are going to ask me to have a check-in call with you during my maternity leave for which I do not get paid. Although hopefully no one's quitting in my absence or anything because then I'd feel bad. Or not. I might not care - it's my first day home with LO alone. And there's a total chance I blow through the call if LO is on a tear at exactly 1 pm. Hope that's cool!
Sincerely, Lady who hopes you are just wanting to see the baby but that's probably not it
Seriously, if you aren't getting paid for it totally say blow off those calls..Pls spend time bonding with your baby and recovering. If she really needs you she will call you. They can function without you for a few weeks. Maybe even tell her if it's super important to email you an update. I hate when jobs infringe on your personal life. Like you are supposed to be connected 24/7. Jeez!
Luckily he's a really great boss so I'm assuming it's something actually important that affects me that he doesn't want me in the dark on. It could be about my compensation (which changes while I'm on leave but the increase was TBD as of when I left), or my team, which had a bunch of changes as I was heading out. I'm nosy, so I don't mind as much as it sounds - but yeah it better be something important!
If you tell me that I'm being "lazy" and that I need to go get some exercise one more time I might just have a hormonal fit/breakdown.. I can't even walk to the bathroom without feeling like my daughters head is going to magically fall out...please shut up!
Sincerely Your daughter whose due on Monday and in a great amount of discomfort.
Dear Boss, Please have something worthwhile to talk about if you are going to ask me to have a check-in call with you during my maternity leave for which I do not get paid. Although hopefully no one's quitting in my absence or anything because then I'd feel bad. Or not. I might not care - it's my first day home with LO alone. And there's a total chance I blow through the call if LO is on a tear at exactly 1 pm. Hope that's cool!
Sincerely, Lady who hopes you are just wanting to see the baby but that's probably not it
Seriously, if you aren't getting paid for it totally say blow off those calls..Pls spend time bonding with your baby and recovering. If she really needs you she will call you. They can function without you for a few weeks. Maybe even tell her if it's super important to email you an update. I hate when jobs infringe on your personal life. Like you are supposed to be connected 24/7. Jeez!
Luckily he's a really great boss so I'm assuming it's something actually important that affects me that he doesn't want me in the dark on. It could be about my compensation (which changes while I'm on leave but the increase was TBD as of when I left), or my team, which had a bunch of changes as I was heading out. I'm nosy, so I don't mind as much as it sounds - but yeah it better be something important!
Speaking of which, I just received a nice bouquet from my team today. So, it's all good.
I understand that you're out in the hot (excessive heat, it's been mid to high 90s here since last week) and working very hard to get your work class done, but I don't feel good either and I'm tired of trying to make you feel better every day. I feel like crap, too. I'm sorry you threw up today, but I can't do anything to help you. If you and 4 other people have thrown up, maybe your employers/instructors should ease up or something. You know it just pisses me off when you tell me how rough it is when it's tough on me that you've been gone lots lately and will be gone the day after our child is born. Please stop telling me this crap or I'm going to flip out on someone. I know it's not your fault, but I'm really not in a place to console other people, especially when I spend all day at work on the phone with elderly/disabled people. My sympathy tank is running low.
Love,
Your wife who would normally baby you during this situation, but really doesn't have the patience right now
Dear judges stop fighting over the prosecutors and pd's like we are part of a child custody dispute and yelling at me and running me ragged with your whimsical demands. I am due in 12 days and have lost my patience with your crap. Sincerely the severely uncomfortable and tired pregnant lady
i love you. and cant wait to meet you. but it would be nice if you could wait till July, i like that birthstone better than June. and also nothing really happens in July for our family.
Dear random cold that I got, Please, please, please, for the love of god PLEASEEEEEEEE go away by Saturday! I do NOT want to be sick while being induced. Sincerely, Upset prego with a sore throat (
@virginiaunicorn11 Aww, thanks! I can't even begin to tell you how different it was. I was actually present when she was born and I feel so much better now. I'm happy. And with DS, I wasn't really happy, I was in survival mode. She's so perfect and I'm a completely different person. I hope everyone gets the birth experience they want. What a difference.
@virginiaunicorn11 Aww, thanks! I can't even begin to tell you how different it was. I was actually present when she was born and I feel so much better now. I'm happy. And with DS, I wasn't really happy, I was in survival mode. She's so perfect and I'm a completely different person. I hope everyone gets the birth experience they want. What a difference.
I am so, so happy that your experience was so different!!! It was so short of a labor, and I'm sorry the pain meds didn't work completely, but you DID IT!!
96% Humidity is not cool when you have swollen man hands and are developing a beautiful set of cankles. Either poop or get off the pot with the darn rain.
While I am grateful you waited until this late in the year to make your appearance, why must you cluster together for the next week, my last week of pregnancy? I'm already uncomfortable and swollen...this is just adding insult to injury.
Dear J15 mommas-to-be, Hang in there! You'll be there soon and we're all excited to see the rest of the J15 babies on the outside! We're pulling for you!
Sending good labor vibes your way, Already delivered J15 Mommas :x
Dear baby, I know you are running out of room in there, but it really hurts when you push out. My tummy feels bruised and sore, so I assure you we are both uncomfortable and miserable. If we can just make it 4 more days you'll have all the room you need.
Re: Dear blank, please blank
As my child care for 4yo ds during my post partum hospital stay.... Why the fxxk would you go on an out of state vacation during my thirty ninth week of pregnancy when I've already had 2 trips to l&d to stop contractions? Just curious, because you know I don't have any other person in a ninety mile radius who can keep my kid while I'm giving birth....
Thanks,
Your only child
Dear baby:
Since my employer and your nana are both completely blind sided by this surprise pregnancy that they've known about literally known about since October, please stay put until exactly June 30th, even everyone will be at least somewhat prepared... And then shoot out like a cannonball if you have to, because good gravy, ****I'M**** ready, even if no one else is.
Love,
Your stressed out, fast, sweaty, miserable mama whose uterus has been squeezing you every five to seven minutes for approximately six hours a day over the last month
Dear uterus,
Calm the fxxk down, I'm exhausted.
Please keep the hilarious "when are you firing this kid out?" comments coming. They are much better than the random friends sending "Hey! How are you doing?" comments.
I prefer "launch that baby", "fire", and "expel" to "how's your cervix?", because you know nothing about childbirth, can't bug me about embarrassing details, and aren't annoying.
Thanks,
Your Little Sister
Thanks for leaving the garage door open and letting a hundred Mosquitos in the house (literally a hundred Mosquitos). Not that I have enough on my plate...I'm sure all the pics of me in the hospital will look awesome with me and a zillion bites!
Your Older sister
Please stop being so f'ing self absorbed and take care of our DS so I can properly care for our new daughter. He needs the full attention of at least one parent right now... He's not even 2 yet and needs extra attention. Let him know that you still love him even though we have a new baby. I am doing my best to do this, too but I cAn only do so much since you hardly even hold the baby. Also, I know you have a right to be tired but since I'm exclusively breastfeeding I get way less sleep than you. Therefore I should be napping as much as possible especially since our baby girl has her days and nights mixed up.
Love
Your exahausted wife
Thanks for being such a good friend you forgot I don't have Facebook and sending a Facebook message about ordering your bridesmaids dresses.
Second, I'm nine months pregnant... Can I wait a week to order ?
And you didn't ask the nice lady from the website how long it takes to get the dress? Because " it slipped your mind"
Love,
Your hormonal pissed off giant fat bridesmaid
Fuck you.
Signed,
Filter is Gone
PS- here's a My Little Pony to make the language not so scary...
My DH is probably going to wake up I'm so loud! But.....
Thank you so much for sleeping over 3 hours the night before DH goes back to work. Please keep it up for the day so I don't lose my mind!
Sincerely,
Your all-alone Mommy
I passed out before I could finish my little gif-fest. I giffed myself to sleep!
Please take better care of your self. I understand migraines/vomiting and that you have a seizure disorder. I also understand that you have had gastric bypass surgery and that you don't eat and take care of your self the way you need to. Drinking diet drinks because it means you don't have to use the bathroom as frequently is not a good idea. I love you and I hate you feel bad, but I seriously cannot remember the last time you worked a full week. Why did you have to call in today when 2 people are going to be gone for conferences? Please take care of your self!
Sincerely, a lady who is terrified of going into labor and leaving everyone hanging
Please have something worthwhile to talk about if you are going to ask me to have a check-in call with you during my maternity leave for which I do not get paid. Although hopefully no one's quitting in my absence or anything because then I'd feel bad. Or not. I might not care - it's my first day home with LO alone. And there's a total chance I blow through the call if LO is on a tear at exactly 1 pm. Hope that's cool!
Sincerely,
Lady who hopes you are just wanting to see the baby but that's probably not it
Do you have to rub it in my face how easy it is for you to sleep?
Thanks,
Your Skin Mommy
If you tell me that I'm being "lazy" and that I need to go get some exercise one more time I might just have a hormonal fit/breakdown.. I can't even walk to the bathroom without feeling like my daughters head is going to magically fall out...please shut up!
Sincerely
Your daughter whose due on Monday and in a great amount of discomfort.
Will you please stop pooting yourself awake so I have to get out my poor nipples and feed you every hour today. They need time to recover!
Love,
Mommy
Please God don't have bronchitis from a cold that you caught from my Dad.
Signed,
Heartbroken if you can't meet your grandson when he's born.
youre 21.. act like it. just clean up after yourself. please. ffs. im not your mother.
signed, when are you moving out again?
Stop making me burp like a frat boy.
Signed,
Normally a Lady
i love you. and cant wait to meet you. but it would be nice if you could wait till July, i like that birthstone better than June. and also nothing really happens in July for our family.
Signed,
Your Host.
Please comfort me when I'm anxious...... Patting my arm twice does not count.
And....... Now your snoring.
Love,
Your miserable crampy wife
Please, please, please, for the love of god PLEASEEEEEEEE go away by Saturday! I do NOT want to be sick while being induced.
Sincerely,
Upset prego with a sore throat
Why must you feel like menstrual cramps?
What is your deal?
Signed,
Pregnant & Not On My Period
Thank you for helping our girl @Sammy K have a better birth experience!!! Sooo happy for her and her little one.
Xoxo,
Me and all ladies of J15
Inspired!!
While I am grateful you waited until this late in the year to make your appearance, why must you cluster together for the next week, my last week of pregnancy? I'm already uncomfortable and swollen...this is just adding insult to injury.
Signed,
Sweaty and pregnant
Did you post a pic of your mucus plug? I'm not looking at your post. I'm too scared.
Signed,
Whoooooo Are You (Who? Who?)
Hang in there! You'll be there soon and we're all excited to see the rest of the J15 babies on the outside! We're pulling for you!
Sending good labor vibes your way,
Already delivered J15 Mommas
:x
I'm so. Sorry. Please forgive me. Now please go back to normal.
Love,
A healing new mom
I know you are running out of room in there, but it really hurts when you push out. My tummy feels bruised and sore, so I assure you we are both uncomfortable and miserable. If we can just make it 4 more days you'll have all the room you need.
Love,
your uncomfortable mommy
Just try to chill the f*¢k out. You're working yourself into a lather and its not helping anything or anybody.
Best,
Self
Thank you for your help. Going in today bc I can't hydrate and it's not coming down. Still trying to "relax"! Lol
Sincerely,
Poppy1099