I'm in agreement that it's tacky to throw your own shower. But I also feel bad for those in situations where friends and family can't afford or due to distance can't do a shower for someone else. It doesn't mean the mother to be doesn't deserve a shower. why don't you save face by making it seem like your husband is the host? Doesn't gotta be an all female thing. My mother and sister threw my baby shower but my husband had a huge hand in it too.
Husband hosting is the same as MTB hosting IMO. In fact when I was pregnant with my first my mother wanted to host a female only shower, but DH was disappointed because his friends couldn't attend. So he got the idea to host another baby shower at our house so his friends and their wives could come. Despite my attempts to explain why that was rude, he still didn't get it. It finally got to the point where I told him if he hosted a shower in our honor I wouldn't be there. He let it go after that and his mom ended up hosting something for us so his friends could come.
Yeah I'm pretty fed up with all the rude judgement and lack of support on all these threads. Some people genuinely use them for helpful advice and comiseration... I sympathize with @almakie for not having someone volunteer to bend over backwards to throw her a baby shower. People are busy with their own lives and why shouldn't she have one if she wants one?
While someone did technically throw me a shower and act as host the day of. Soon after the planning went under way, I realized she didn't have the time or energy to devote to preparing things for the party, due to her demanding job and being a parent of an active 7 yr old, it's understandable. So I ended up doing everything and paying for the party %80 myself. I was appreciative to have my friend attempt to throw me a shower but it was a little stressful running around and picking up the slack. Ultimately it was a great party and everything was just how I wanted it to be and everyone that came had a great time and that was important to me.
Etiquette or not babies are expensive and I don't see anything wrong with wanting or needing things for your first born, especially if you put forth the effort of having a fun get together for your friends. Yes it's to honor the parents to be and to celebrate the new baby. But it still takes time and money and is somewhat stressful.
can everyone please stop being so hateful and get off your high horses!!!
Fine to want/need things for your baby, quite another to expect others to provide that. Presumably if it was friends'/families' responsibility to help out then you would have consulted them before ever getting pregnant...you know made sure they wanted to take on some of the burden of providing for your baby.
Didn't she say she didn't put a registry or ask for gifts on her invite? If it's a coed thing, it really isn't as serious as some people are making it out to be. I'm from the South where EVERYTHING is based on etiquette and tradition, so I understand throwing your own SHOWER where you have a traditional female get together & ASK for gifts could be tacky. It seems they're having a get together & if people bring gifts, awesome (&write those Thank Yous!).
I know I made a comment already earlier, but to the poster who tried to justify babies being expensive as a validation for asking/expecting gifts from people...I got a few "big items" such as the crib in great condition used off of kijiji and through trade & sell groups on FB. So it's perfectly manageable even on a budget, like I am.
Again OP, nothing wrong with a casual BBQ with your friends. But maybe let your MIL help, and guide her in the direction you want things to go. People might bring gifts anyway, because they genuinely care.
So if you don't have someone willing in your life to do this for you then you just miss out? As soon as you go and complete a gift registry irrelevant of who is hosting it your just doing a gift grab in any case?
I don't know, I'll never agree on this and I'd never look down at any of my friends hosting their own shower. Every person deserves to have this experience/memory and shouldn't be excluded because they may not hve friends who want to or who can host on their behalf.
God you guys must be under so much pressure over there, we would never judge someone for not bringing a gift. For inviting us out for their birthday dinner and having to pay or for shouting our own at a wedding. The point of all these days is who your spending important milestones with and memories created rather than gifts scored/money spent.
One of the best weddings I went to was a friend of ours, already had children, lived together and purchased a house so in lieu of gifts they asked we paid for our head at the wedding. No pressure on gift buying, worked out cheaper than a gift for us and they got the wedding they wanted
I completely agree. I guess I'm just extremely laid back. Half of my friends didn't bring a gift to my shower. I would never expect anything from anyone. My mom threw my shower but if she had been unable and no one else offered, I wouldn't mind throwing my own. I also wouldn't be afraid of one my friends judging me. The pressures and standards some of you feel you have to live up to are crazy. I think etiquette in general is pretty silly. Why does someone else get to make guidelines for how you do your thing. If you don't want to throw your own shower... DON'T! But, you don't need to police others choices to. Sounds like some ladies need very large sticks surgically removed.
The opinion that etiquette in general is silly is an interesting one. I guess manners are silly as well. General appropriate behavior must be a real hoot to you.
TTC: 1/2014
BFP: 9/24
EDD: 6/8/2015
Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.
If half of your friends showed up to a baby shower without a gift I would consider that pretty darn rude. Did you guys read the whole thread? @Serenamarr and I gave a pretty detailed explanation about the context and history of shower parties, even accounted for cultural differences. Do you understand what the word shower means? To shower someone with praise, to shower them with gifts, to shower with water....People voice their opinions all of which were pretty gently put. If it's uptight to have an opinion you don't like....well I can't even... Where's @HayesRN13 and Milton with his red stapler?
I personally think it's rude that some of you expect others to do it. Why should they? It's not their baby nor are they the ones carrying it.
Gift registrys are equally as bad because your telling someone what you want, not letting them decide on what present they would like to give you based on their financial needs.
But like I said once again. I guess things are different here in Australia.
Yes, in general, I find most people have varying ideas of what's appropriate and what defines good manners and such. I don't think it's our job to police other people's definitions. If she felt it was in good taste to throw her own shower, frankly, that's all that matters. I doubt she would have done it if she felt it was rude. Why do any of us feel obliged To point out our feelings on etiquette when she's already doing it. Her question wasn't about etiquette. I just think it's odd that there are so many sticklers. I think it's strange like walking up to a girl in the mall who's wearing particularly short shorts and telling her that her clothes are slutty. Why bother? What's it to you? Why feel the need to shame anyone?
I have friends who Are not as well off as I am. I would not think it right to exclude them from my shower. Shower might be the term used but nowadays people do use their showers as a celebration, not just a gift grab. I think it odd to expect anything from anyone. I was just happy to share in our special day with my family and friends. Gifts are wonderful but having a full room of people that love me means more.
Wow this is a little ridiculous... Maybe it's because I don't equate a party as forcing people to give gifts when they dont want to. The point of a shower is for friends and family to like I said " honor the parents and celebrate the baby." You register for things you need so people can choose to help out if they wish and so they know what you will use. It's a choice of the guest not a demand by the parent. Nowhere did I say I expect my loved ones to take on the burden of providing necessary items for my baby. I have no idea where you guys drew that from.
I personally think it's rude that some of you expect others to do it. Why should they? It's not their baby nor are they the ones carrying it.
Gift registrys are equally as bad because your telling someone what you want, not letting them decide on what present they would like to give you based on their financial needs.
But like I said once again. I guess things are different here in Australia.
I don't think most would disagree with you actually! It's a weird and dated tradition, from a time when women had babies very very young and needed a lot of help as they weren't fully established in the world yet. You aren't supposed to ask for one...someone is supposed to offer. And if they don't then they don't. Most people who would say don't throw your own would probably agree that it's rude to expect others to do it. In the U.S., "Sip And See" parties post birth have become quite popular and fill a similar role, especially when they don't get a shower. It's kind of an American way of coping with the desire to communally celebrate the new arrival. Sorry your thread go sabotaged by this.
@ktjohnson87 it would be In poor etiquette to tell a girl she is slutty or to walk up to the host of a party (even someone throwing their own shower!) and chew them out about how it was rude to do. That's why you hear old southern ladies say things like "bless your heart" when they really mean to be nasty. And most people develop their own special brand of side eye.
Everyone's group of friends see things differently. Hers are probably like her and see nothing wrong with her throwing her own shower. They probably don't require the exact cultural definition of the word shower to be presented and displayed through her party. Not everyone lives their life like that. And you know what, that's totally acceptable.
Everyone's group of friends see things differently. Hers are probably like her and see nothing wrong with her throwing her own shower. They probably don't require the exact cultural definition of the word shower to be presented and displayed through her party. Not everyone lives their life like that. And you know what, that's totally acceptable.
I mean if your definition of a wedding is to invite all of your friends to a monster truck show and then have Pizza and cake in the parking lot after...then ok. Most people would probably be very confused. The word shower literally refers to the throwing of a small mass of things onto someone....like water, gifts or words. I imagine there are people who don't live their life like that and prefer to believe it means something else, but a lot of us use the standard meanings is all. It would be very kafkaesque to form a community where you and friends assume new definitions for basic words and live some sort of surreal commune lifestyle based on it! Like if you decided that food meant sex, and blue meant green, and dog meant "make me a sandwich damnit!". So ok get on with your bad self, Frida Khalo and Salvador Dali would probably bust out of heaven to get involved with a weird social experiment like that.
I actually think most of what you said is what we as a society are currently doing with old traditions and meanings of words. Maybe not turning food into sex. But I'm sure there are plenty of things we all can think of that have have changed drastically in meaning and those changes usually start in a small group and permeate outward.
A shower is a gift giving event, period. That is the definition of a shower. I've never been to a shower where gifts weren't the main focus of the event. Which is how it is intended to be.
A shower is a gift, not a right or entitlement. Further, do you really think that the people who love you wouldn't buy you gifts unless they were formally invited to do so? My shower was thrown several states away because that's where our families are. Yet somehow several of our local friends who were not invited to the shower still bought us gifts. The people who love you don't need an invitation to buy you a present. They will do it out of the goodness of their heart, within their budget.
If no one offers you a shower, you can host your own sip and see after the baby is born. Or just have an informal get together before the baby is born. As long as neither of these events is called a shower, and there is no registry information included on the invite, these are perfectly acceptable events to throw yourself because they are not by their very nature gift-giving events. No one would fault OP for having a pre-baby BBQ provided it's not called a shower and registry information wasn't published on the invite. It's the attitude that a baby shower is a right, and if no one offers you one you can just throw your own, that is against etiquette.
How can one side be justified by saying "not everyone feels that way" and the other side not be? Are you not contradicting yourself? Is the title planning your own shower or planning your own barbeque? We're you not warned that MOST people see it as rude or outside proper etiquette? It confuses me how people take a differing opinion and lable it as being rude....no it's just not what you wanted to hear and life just doesn't work that way.
I personally don't care about baby showers either way. Do your own thing. It's a baby yay! Just expect people to whisper about every little thing you did wrong because uh, hello, women gossip.
I find this thread completely fascinating! I wish people would just express their opinions and not get so caught up in who is rude, and who is right or wrong. Maybe this is coming from my year in Germany (I'm from the US), where people are just direct, state their opinion, and can even argue intensely in a meeting, and then be friendly afterward - because it is not personal, and need not be interpreted that way. Just because I think you're completely wrong doesn't mean I think you are dumb, a bad person, etc. Again, it is not so personal.
This thread could seriously be part of a PhD study on local cultures and traditions around birth.
What I gather is that each community handles parties and babies differently. In some, it is so intensely rude to throw your own shower, that the women from those communities will project that onto others. Semantics are particularly important, and are more than just semantics. They are an indicator of behavioral expectation, and an important way to maneuver etiquette. The words "shower" or "sprinkle" or "Sip and See" or "party" or "barbecue" all convey expectations and norms.
Even the "expectations" and "entitlements" around having a baby seem to be unique among the communities represented in this thread. Some communities say, "It takes a village" but they stop short of extending that belief to material expectation of gifts. Some individuals, or communities, seem quite open to an expectation (which can be seen as "entitlement" from the outside) that support from your "village" includes material support, i.e., gifts.
Sorry for the essay. I just personally do not feel so strongly about any of this, that I quite enjoy observing. This thread has a lot of passion in it, whereas other threads about parenting goals, etc. (which I personally find waaaaay more important) receive far fewer responses, views, and insights. I realize what we engage on a public forum does not necessarily represent our own deeply held values and views, so perhaps that is an unfair comparison. But anyway, I really enjoy everything about this thread and board. Thanks for posting, ladies.
I'm sorry op it super sucks that no one threw you a baby shower. I think a casual bbq with friends sounds fun. I think you should do what you want, if people bring gifts awesome but if they think it's just a fun bbq and that's what you want then maybe don't let the mil get involved. Getting the mil involved would signal it is a shower not a fun casual bbq I think. My friend didn't have a baby shower, in hindsight now I should have certainly offered to throw one for her. She insisted she didn't want one so I just bought the baby fun gifts anyway throughout her pregnancy. She will probably have another baby pretty soon so I'll do a sprinkle party for that. As far as the bbq and throwing your own little shindig who doesn't like to have their friends over! I'm all about having casual get to togethers. Dh and I plan on having a 4th of July party for peeps to come meet our lo. We think this will help with stopping everyone casually dropping by for weeks and help lo get use to big loud groups. Plus like I said I like shindig so anything I can use as an excuse to invite folks over and hang out I'm all for it. I do agree that you shouldn't expect gifts just because you are having a baby, part of the responsibility of being a parent is knowing the financial implications of such a decision. That being said I never turn down free baby stuff, nor a gift. Op I hope you have an awesome bbq and I hope you do get some free stuff from the good people in your life because they are excited for you shower or not.
I don't see anything wrong with throwing your own shower..especially if you really have no one to do it...even more so I bet a lot of people who have showers thrown for them have some input into the details so really they are still involved...my mom is throwing mine but I've been making decisions the whole way with her. I don't have a single friend who hasn't been apart of their own shower planning in some way or another.
I find this thread completely fascinating! I wish people would just express their opinions and not get so caught up in who is rude, and who is right or wrong. Maybe this is coming from my year in Germany (I'm from the US), where people are just direct, state their opinion, and can even argue intensely in a meeting, and then be friendly afterward - because it is not personal, and need not be interpreted that way. Just because I think you're completely wrong doesn't mean I think you are dumb, a bad person, etc. Again, it is not so personal.
This thread could seriously be part of a PhD study on local cultures and traditions around birth.
What I gather is that each community handles parties and babies differently. In some, it is so intensely rude to throw your own shower, that the women from those communities will project that onto others. Semantics are particularly important, and are more than just semantics. They are an indicator of behavioral expectation, and an important way to maneuver etiquette. The words "shower" or "sprinkle" or "Sip and See" or "party" or "barbecue" all convey expectations and norms.
Even the "expectations" and "entitlements" around having a baby seem to be unique among the communities represented in this thread. Some communities say, "It takes a village" but they stop short of extending that belief to material expectation of gifts. Some individuals, or communities, seem quite open to an expectation (which can be seen as "entitlement" from the outside) that support from your "village" includes material support, i.e., gifts.
Sorry for the essay. I just personally do not feel so strongly about any of this, that I quite enjoy observing. This thread has a lot of passion in it, whereas other threads about parenting goals, etc. (which I personally find waaaaay more important) receive far fewer responses, views, and insights. I realize what we engage on a public forum does not necessarily represent our own deeply held values and views, so perhaps that is an unfair comparison. But anyway, I really enjoy everything about this thread and board. Thanks for posting, ladies.
Re: Planning own baby shower
Again OP, nothing wrong with a casual BBQ with your friends. But maybe let your MIL help, and guide her in the direction you want things to go. People might bring gifts anyway, because they genuinely care.
Gift registrys are equally as bad because your telling someone what you want, not letting them decide on what present they would like to give you based on their financial needs.
But like I said once again. I guess things are different here in Australia.
@ktjohnson87 it would be In poor etiquette to tell a girl she is slutty or to walk up to the host of a party (even someone throwing their own shower!) and chew them out about how it was rude to do. That's why you hear old southern ladies say things like "bless your heart" when they really mean to be nasty. And most people develop their own special brand of side eye.
A shower is a gift, not a right or entitlement. Further, do you really think that the people who love you wouldn't buy you gifts unless they were formally invited to do so? My shower was thrown several states away because that's where our families are. Yet somehow several of our local friends who were not invited to the shower still bought us gifts. The people who love you don't need an invitation to buy you a present. They will do it out of the goodness of their heart, within their budget.
If no one offers you a shower, you can host your own sip and see after the baby is born. Or just have an informal get together before the baby is born. As long as neither of these events is called a shower, and there is no registry information included on the invite, these are perfectly acceptable events to throw yourself because they are not by their very nature gift-giving events. No one would fault OP for having a pre-baby BBQ provided it's not called a shower and registry information wasn't published on the invite. It's the attitude that a baby shower is a right, and if no one offers you one you can just throw your own, that is against etiquette.
I personally don't care about baby showers either way. Do your own thing. It's a baby yay! Just expect people to whisper about every little thing you did wrong because uh, hello, women gossip.
This thread could seriously be part of a PhD study on local cultures and traditions around birth.
What I gather is that each community handles parties and babies differently. In some, it is so intensely rude to throw your own shower, that the women from those communities will project that onto others. Semantics are particularly important, and are more than just semantics. They are an indicator of behavioral expectation, and an important way to maneuver etiquette. The words "shower" or "sprinkle" or "Sip and See" or "party" or "barbecue" all convey expectations and norms.
Even the "expectations" and "entitlements" around having a baby seem to be unique among the communities represented in this thread. Some communities say, "It takes a village" but they stop short of extending that belief to material expectation of gifts. Some individuals, or communities, seem quite open to an expectation (which can be seen as "entitlement" from the outside) that support from your "village" includes material support, i.e., gifts.
Sorry for the essay. I just personally do not feel so strongly about any of this, that I quite enjoy observing. This thread has a lot of passion in it, whereas other threads about parenting goals, etc. (which I personally find waaaaay more important) receive far fewer responses, views, and insights. I realize what we engage on a public forum does not necessarily represent our own deeply held values and views, so perhaps that is an unfair comparison. But anyway, I really enjoy everything about this thread and board. Thanks for posting, ladies.