Step MIL in delivery room? — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Step MIL in delivery room?

Would you have a stepMIL that you & your husband don't really know in the delivery room while your husband's first born is being born?  My FIL's new wife (mom passed away 4 yrs ago, new wife only been in picture 2 yrs) has been very insistent on becoming "Grandma" right away to all of the grandchildren & has been quite vocal about offering her opinion on everything.  We don't  want to hurt feelings but only feel comfortable with my mom in the delivery room.  Neither of us really know the stepmother since they live quite a way a way.  Mainly only through Facebook.  The other kids live closer to FIL so have gotten to know her.

My FIL is a very sweet man & doesn't like conflict so he's following his wife's decision to visit my SIL & her family in another state instead of visiting us after baby is home & settled.  They will also not be attending the baptism because I'm Catholic & they are another religion & are she's very upset I won't be converting.  I'm kind of at my wits end as to how many offers to extend for my husband & FIL's sake.


TIA ladies!!

Re: Step MIL in delivery room?

  • I'm confused.  If they are visiting your SIL instead then won't she not even be there? 

    Anyway, no I would not allow her in the room.  My MIL was in the room when DD was born but I know her pretty well and it's DH's mother that he is close to.  If I hadn't been comfortable with her in there I would have said so and that would have been it.  If she is making drama then I wouldn't offer anything really.  If they'd like to come visit then allow it but have your H make the plans with father directly.  It doesn't have to concern you.  
    [Deleted User]
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  • No way! But I'm also not letting in my actual MIL or my mom. I find it fairly bizarre that it was even suggested that she join you!
    [Deleted User]
  • What?? Hell no. That's totally bizarre. Plus, if you do this, you are setting a precedent of letting her be overly involved from the very start. Sounds like you are going to need/want to set boundaries. This is step one.
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  • No. It sounds like you barely know the woman and the delivery room is not the place I would chose to let her get involved. I am all for a woman having whoever makes her feel supported and comfortable present for delivery and not feeling like she is obligated to include anyone who does not make her feel that way. Labor and delivery is more about the mom than the baby and she should get to choose who is present.
  • Um, no. There are plenty of other opportunities to include the mil in your lives. There's absolutely no reason to invite her to one of the most intimate and personal experiences you'll ever have if you don't want her there. Birth is uncomfortable enough.


  • Nnnnnnnno.

    Cat leg goes crazy and beats itself in the face

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  • My MIL lives with us (and yes I mean lives in our home) and I'm not allowing anyone in the delivery room other then DF. It's your delivery and your choice, don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't feel completely secure in.

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I think you already know the answer. If you don't feel comfortable having her in there, end of story. You get to decide. Doesn't matter how nice FIL is, or family dynamics.

  • That wouldn't fly with me. If she won't make arrangements to see baby after birth then that's her and your FIL problem...
    IAmPregnant Ticker}
  • No. I don't even know if I want my mom and MIL in the delivery room, and I've known them for 32 and 12 years. It's up to you. Make sure your H and the nurses know your preferences of who can be in the delivery room so they can enforce it.
  • I find it so odd that so many people think it's their right to be in the delivery room for the birth of a child that isn't theirs. I would never ask to be involved in that (though I did attend a friend's birth bc she asked me to). My mil has almost no boundaries and she didn't even ask to be in the room with her own daughter never mind me. What is wrong with people?

    I could see that if you are having your mother in there your husband might want his own mother there too...but this woman is clearly not a mother figure and your husband doesn't seem to want her there so that's not an issue.

    I'm planning to just have my husband with me...I would prefer a private celebration when we finally become a family of three. I don't even want to see visitors for several hours afterwards if I can help it. I'd suggest you have your husband tell his stepmother no.
    Me: 37 DH: 37
    Married 5-31-14
    DD1 born 6-21-15
    DD2 born 6-11-17
    DS born 9-5-18

  • Everyone feels differently about this, but I don't feel like birth is a social event. It will be me, my husband, and our birth team. It's such an intimate moment. We aren't planning to even tell people when I go into labor. It's nothing personal against them, it's about you and your new family member. We aren't even planning to have visitors for quite some time afterwards. 

    If you and your husband don't want his step mother in the delivery room, that is more than reasonable. You don't have to do anything, your husband needs to make it clear that it's not happening. He can do this without ruffling feathers but if she gets her feelings hurt it's just not something you need to care about right now. Or you can do what we are planning to do and just call them after the baby is born and say "it all happened so quick!" lol 
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I am most likely in the minority, but I give absolutely no fucks if I offend anyone when I'm laboring.

    If they didn't make the baby with me then they don't get to see my vagina. The only exception I made is my dear friend who was with me in the beginning of my labor with DS. H was tending to DD until our childcare person arrived (I went into labor at 2am in the morning).

    If you aren't close with this woman then I see no reason for her to be there. Her wanting to assert her Grandmotherly desires is not a good reason IMHO. She's taking a situation that is not about her & making it about her.

    Set boundaries & stick to them.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]JessieandAdam
  • I had anxiety about people waiting outside in the lobby during labor and delivery...he'll i had anxiety about visitors in the hospital! Itty bit was a preemie though and I only got to hold her a few mins before she was rushed to the NICU...i think i would've flipped if others were going to take the only few mins ihad with her away from me.
    IAmPregnant Ticker}
  • Fuck no.  Haha.  Seriously............No.

    I hardly felt comfortable with DH seeing my swollen monster vag area.  I asked him not to look because for some reason on my body, that whole area gets HUGE looking around 35w.  Nobody needs to see that - my mom, my sister, my MIL.......ME. 
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  • I honestly cannot imagine asking to be in the delivery room with someone.  GET OUT if you're not the mom or dad. 

    My sister is training to be an L&D nurse, and I'm barely contemplating letting her be in there.
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  • This seems so weird.
    No. Just... No.
  • I understand the dilemma of not wanting to hurt anybody's feelings but this is totally your call. If you're not comfortable with it, you shouldn't feel pressured to let them in there. Though both families were present for the birth of my daughter, it was only me and my wife in the delivery room!



  • No no no no no! Never would I ever let my step MIL into the delivery room with me and we usually get along quite well. You just need to be firm with her and tell her that she cannot be there.
    I think you and your SO should be grown ups and tell her exactly as it is, but you can always opt for the "hospital policy" excuse if you cannot be straight with her.
    FTR you don't HAVE to tell anyone when you go into labor, just go to the hospital and tell your family after the birth.
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