I give up.

ashleynicholee93 · August 2014

Last year my husband and I got into an argument about me finding him watching porn in the shower. Well he stopped and then went to basic training for 6 months and just got back in June. A few weeks ago he started again. And I tried taking to him but it just made a bigger argument than before.

I just give up trying. And the pregnancy hormones aren't helping anything.

ngolimento · August 2014

Men watch porn (many women too)., whether you know about it or not. As long as it's not overtaking his life and ruining your sex life, leave him alone about it.

babyj32015 · August 2014

I agree. Porn is very common for men to watch. He hides it from you because he has to. As long as he is still intimate with you, I wouldn't give him a hard time.

chajak · August 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:
Men watch porn (many women too)., whether you know about it or not. As long as it's not overtaking his life and ruining your sex life, leave him alone about it.

This!!! This right here!! When we make a big deal about it then it's almost like they want to do it more. I used to think it was disgusting but just keep an open mind. Maybe watch it together one night to heat things up?

northerngirl11 · August 2014

Totally normal. The other day my husband told me he found my twin on a porn but the only thing that threw him off was the SECOND time he watched it there were tattoos where I don't have any. Gotta laugh.
Chances are he is still totally attracted to you but porn is just a natural interest to a lot of men. Maybe you would feel more comfortable if you watch it together and get an idea of what he watches so it's not so uncomfortable.

vargasgurl · August 2014

Porn Smorn!! There is nothing wrong w porn unless he has an addiction. I say let him be!

rsnichols · August 2014

I have to agree with Paledreamsofrain on this topic... Is it taking over his life, interfering with your sex life, or is he on dating websites to hook up?

Khill2188 · August 2014

My husband will watch porn, usually when he's bored when I'm at work at night. It's not like he's ignoring his family and hiding in the garage watching it. I know my husband loves me. I have no doubt that he's very much attracted to me. It's really not a big deal, because I don't make it a big deal.

FrecklesInside · August 2014

Well...lets not make blanket statements. My husband doesn't watch porn, and I know that for a fact. However, I occasionally do

... But I hate when people say men do xyz, often my husband doesn't fall into whatever stereotyped category.

That said, I think if it bothers her then it does impact their relationship and he should actually stop. If it didn't bother her, then whatever, but come on, I hate when people act like men have some inbred need to have sex all the time and do things like watch porn. He doesn't HAVE to watch porn and just because he wants to doesn't mean he should. It is like anything else in a relationship, discussion and come to an understanding...meaning either she has to understand he likes it and wants to watch it or he has to understand it hurts her and needs to stop. Equal partnership, yo.

chaysefaith · August 2014

I'm positive my H watches porn but I couldn't tell you when. Maybe before he showers? I don't know and I don't care to know.

I hope your H has some kind of protective waterproof case for whatever device he's bringing in the shower with him!

MissyCee · August 2014

I disagree with a lot of what people said. That whole "oh it's normal, all men do it" stuff is just bullshit men feed women to get away with doing it whenever they want. I don't want my husband watching porn and I'm firm in my belief that it has a negative impact on the person watching it as well as the other party and the relationship as a whole. If a couple sit and decide together they want to watch that's one thing, but that's obviously not what's happening here.

Have you tried sitting down with him and talking with him, no accusing or anything that would lead him to get defensive, and let him know how his watching porn affects you? Sometimes men need it spelled out for them and he may not understand why you don't want him watching it. If he is willing, perhaps try some counseling to address the issue. On a personal note, my H and I went to a marriage conference several years ago and among other things it addressed the issue of porn. It really shed light on how it impacts people and it made a huge difference in his attitude about it.

Farrah626 · August 2014

I'm so averse to sex right now I'd prefer my husband watch porn. As much as it takes for him to not touch me.

That being said, if it's something that really bothers you then maybe you can come to some sort of agreement rather than outright saying he can't watch porn at all. Are you putting out right now? If not, you might need to start.

Edited because I can't spell

alexandria22489 · August 2014

I don't blame you at all for being upset, I would be too. I personally find it insulting, and don't get me started on how pissed I was about my my husband getting six lap dances at his bachelor party (maybe i was mostly pissed because he came home and told me all about it....)

I think it's every woman's preference on how she feels about porn. As I said, I don't blame you at all for being pissed, especially when it's something youve discussed with him before and told him you didn't like.

wendyld · August 2014

FrecklesInside said:
Well...lets not make blanket statements. My husband doesn't watch porn, and I know that for a fact. However, I occasionally do ... But I hate when people say men do xyz, often my husband doesn't fall into whatever stereotyped category.

That said, I think if it bothers her then it does impact their relationship and he should actually stop. If it didn't bother her, then whatever, but come on, I hate when people act like men have some inbred need to have sex all the time and do things like watch porn. He doesn't HAVE to watch porn and just because he wants to doesn't mean he should. It is like anything else in a relationship, discussion and come to an understanding...meaning either she has to understand he likes it and wants to watch it or he has to understand it hurts her and needs to stop. Equal partnership, yo.

I agree with having an equal partnership and respecting the needs of your spouse, but that goes both ways. She should respect his sexuality (which in this case includes porn) as well as him respecting her feelings about it. I think any couple has to come to an agreement that works for both of them, but clearly suppressing that isn't working for both of them.

ashleynicholee93 · August 2014

We haven't had sex in a week but I've caught him in the shower twice now in the past week. That's what bothers me most is he'd rather go do that than just come in the bedroom.

Yes, he does have a waterproof case.

massiejs09 · August 2014

I think if it bothers you then its an issue. Everyone is different and if this is something in your relationship that you feel strongly about, you should make it known.

Porn is an issue if your husband is choosing to watch porn instead of having sex with you. Porn addiction is a very real thing and while there aren't a lot of scientific studies on it, the ones I have read equate it to the same high that people get from gambling. It falls into the same psychological sphere (I think its clinically diagnosed under DSM IV). My husband has an admitted 'problem' with porn and he sees a therapist once per week to talk about this and other things. Is it helping? Not sure. I honestly don't know how one gauges the progress on that. This is the first relationship I've been in where porn has been a very real and damaging factor in the day-to-day. Prior to this I could have cared less if my S.O. watched porn. I watch it sometimes and have enjoyed watching it with a S.O. I have asked my husband if he'd want to watch it together...he doesn't. I have made it known that I'm open to a variety of things sexually ... he's not interested in doing those things with me. On the days he watches porn (pretty much every day) we don't have sex.

So I feel you cause I know that this can be a very real problem and its hurtful and makes you feel like shit.

chaysefaith · August 2014

ashleynicholee93 said:

We haven't had sex in a week but I've caught him in the shower twice now in the past week. That's what bothers me most is he'd rather go do that than just come in the bedroom. Yes, he does have a waterproof case.

Are you in the mood and not on any restrictions? I'm not bothered by my H watching porn because, right now, I can't have sex and if I could it is the last thing I want to do right now. There have been times when he's gone and jerked off instead of asking me for sex and that does hurt.

AlinnJo · August 2014

Sounds like its time for a chat. Ask him why he's choosing porn over you. Maybe he doesn't know you're willing. Sometimes us pregnant women can send some pretty mixed signals and our H's can get confused. Maybe next time suggest that you shower with him, instead of him showering with his phone.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2014

I personally don't find porn a big deal, for men or women. The key to anything in life is moderation. I have a friend who's husband does have a serious addiction with porn and it's caused problems in their marriage.

That said, I think there are more variables at play besides "he watched porn, we haven't had sex in a week, and he's wrong!" Have you initiated sex with him? Have you been feeling kind of crappy? Maybe he thinks you don't want to have sex. Maybe he feels weird about having sex when you're pregnant. You need to be honest with him and find out what's going on. If he just wants to get off in the shower and it doesn't impact your sex life then I say shrug it off. Some people have a higher drive than their partners. If he's choosing porn over you then there's an underlying issue that should be addressed. But the whole picture needs to be looked at, not just a couple details.

janda426 · August 2014

ashleynicholee93 said:
We haven't had sex in a week but I've caught him in the shower twice now in the past week. That's what bothers me most is he'd rather go do that than just come in the bedroom.

Yes, he does have a waterproof case.

Yeah this right here is what would piss me off. My H doesn't watch porn regularly (like once in a blue moon) but he has a lower drive than I do and basically if he's wasting the moment with his hand than with me (who is willing basically every day) I'd be extremely hurt.

But, he knows that. Unless I'm sick he can pretty much have sex whenever he wants. We know what works as far as a balance in each others needs and he spends his computer time playing video games lol

Have you always had an issue with him watching porn? To me this is one of those things I feel you accept about your partner or you don't. Has he always known how you feel about porn? This definitely has potential to be a source of trouble in a relationship if you don't acknowledge it and sort it out.

cinderella105 · August 2014

I understand why it bothers you if he hides it. If you're open about it and if you were ok with it that would make a difference obviously. I used to have a problem with porn altogether and I caught an ex doing that and he told me it was because I wasn't having enough sex with him...

But that was years ago and since then I've actually figured out I enjoy it every once in a while and I'm also open with SO about it. I even joked with him the other day I was sorry sex is just not happening for us right now and that I'd even get him some porn especially for that 6 week period after the baby is here lol. Porn isn't for everyone though, and it's not an issue for us because he doesn't hide it or watch it (even though I wouldn't mind). If he's hiding it and interfering with your sex life you definitely need to talk. Don't give up, just open communication a little more.

goofygoff · August 2014

If he's is choosing the porn over sex with you, yes, you have a reason to be upset. Have you communicated with him that you've wanted to have sex? There's a chance, especially with the pregnancy, that he assumes you haven't been in the mood. It definitely sounds like it's time for a talk.

In general though, I completely disagree that it's a "man thing". I've watched it for years and would be resentful if a partner ever told me I couldn't anymore.

JennyP0222 · August 2014

There is a difference between a porn addiction (a genuine problem) and watching porn here and there to just get a quick sexual gratification. If it is porn addiction, I think it makes sense to have conversations and try to make some progress. If it is the occasional thing, I really do not see why it would bother you. I get the "we have not had sex in a week but he's done the shower thing twice" but as others have said, why have you not had sex? Is it because he is rejecting your advances? Are you just not connecting? Are you not interested and he picks up on that?

We deal with our sexuality and men deal with theirs. As long a a man is not finding gratification with another female, I think porn/self satisfying is perfectly healthy and okay. I would not want my H to come in here, catch me pleasuring myself or watching porn, and getting mad about it and starting a fight. I am a human being. Sometimes I might prefer the intimacy of another person, but maybe sometimes I just want to be with myself. My body I do what I want. I think men have that right.

lisap0924 · August 2014

I personally don't have a problem with it. especially now where sex is not enjoyable.

my husband does it when im not around. if he was sneaking in the bathroom to do it I may feel a little weird about it.

our sex life has always been good. we have watched it together before. no biggie!

adirain · August 2014

FrecklesInside said:

Well...lets not make blanket statements. My husband doesn't watch porn, and I know that for a fact. However, I occasionally do ... But I hate when people say men do xyz, often my husband doesn't fall into whatever stereotyped category. That said, I think if it bothers her then it does impact their relationship and he should actually stop. If it didn't bother her, then whatever, but come on, I hate when people act like men have some inbred need to have sex all the time and do things like watch porn. He doesn't HAVE to watch porn and just because he wants to doesn't mean he should. It is like anything else in a relationship, discussion and come to an understanding...meaning either she has to understand he likes it and wants to watch it or he has to understand it hurts her and needs to stop. Equal partnership, yo.

Exactly.

MrsZ1891 · August 2014

I would be upset too. My DH knows I don't want him to watch porn. Now who knows if he still does it. When I was younger, I could care less about porn. I watched it too. Now I volunteer and support two different sex trafficking organizations and I was really surprised how closely the porn and sex trafficking circles were interlinked. I chose not to watch porn anymore and would be upset if I caught DH watching it too.

ashleynicholee93 · August 2014

It's not that I haven't felt like having sex cuz I've brought up not having it in awhile so he knows that I'm willing. I really don't know what his problem is. I asked him about it this morning but he didn't have time to talk cuz he had to go to work.

janda426 · August 2014

ashleynicholee93 said:
It's not that I haven't felt like having sex cuz I've brought up not having it in awhile so he knows that I'm willing. I really don't know what his problem is. I asked him about it this morning but he didn't have time to talk cuz he had to go to work.

I really think you should initiate next time you're both home. Make his porn "come to life." I really think couples should always be willing to try new things and spice it up to keep the romance alive.

Also do you care if he watches porn if you're ever not into it? Or are you more upset because he's ignoring you and going to porn instead?

YorkieLove4 · August 2014

All such good arguments! Hmmm I vote to watch it together. That's mine and DH thing. But really, you need to find the best solution for your marriage. For us, by watching, we find new things to try, get in the mood, and sometimes cry so hard from laughing...there's a lot of junk out there! Best of luck on this issue!

cygnet15 · August 2014

I also dislike blanket statements about what all men do, especially on this topic. I guess this could have gone in the UO thread yesterday, but both my husband and I have strong negative feelings about porn. A pp already mentioned its connection to sex trafficking, which is real, but there is a whole spectrum of damage that it can do to the people who consume it and equally importantly to the real people who produce it. Everyone's decisions are their own business certainly, I'm only saying that if you, OP, are bothered by it, there are plenty of reasons to be. This is not something you just have to accept and get over, with no other options.

Lmsq1611 · August 2014

Definitely talk to him about it. Get a better understanding of why he watches it and how it satisfies him. Before that though, spend some time thinking about why it truly bothers you. Do you feel like you are being ignored or can't compete with what he is watching? There may be a way for him to reassure you that he does nt prefer porn to you and for him to ensure it doesn't affect your sex life. I would be careful though to not make him feel bad about watching porn. I think it can be so easy to make a partner feel ashamed of desires, sexual needs, etc. and doing so will not help your conversation with him.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2014

janda426 said:

It's not that I haven't felt like having sex cuz I've brought up not having it in awhile so he knows that I'm willing. I really don't know what his problem is. I asked him about it this morning but he didn't have time to talk cuz he had to go to work.
I really think you should initiate next time you're both home. Make his porn "come to life." I really think couples should always be willing to try new things and spice it up to keep the romance alive. Also do you care if he watches porn if you're ever not into it? Or are you more upset because he's ignoring you and going to porn instead?

+1

If you initiate and he still ignores your needs than you have every right and then some to be upset and insist you talk about it. There are so many things that could cause such issues but you do not need to put up with it. Jacking off in the shower is one thing. Choosing that over you is another. Good luck.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2014

janda426 said:

It's not that I haven't felt like having sex cuz I've brought up not having it in awhile so he knows that I'm willing. I really don't know what his problem is. I asked him about it this morning but he didn't have time to talk cuz he had to go to work.
I really think you should initiate next time you're both home. Make his porn "come to life." I really think couples should always be willing to try new things and spice it up to keep the romance alive. Also do you care if he watches porn if you're ever not into it? Or are you more upset because he's ignoring you and going to porn instead?

+1

If you initiate and he still ignores your needs than you have every right and then some to be upset and insist you talk about it. There are so many things that could cause such issues but you do not need to put up with it. Jacking off in the shower is one thing. Choosing that over you is another. Good luck!

stepherly · August 2014

Like others have already said, try to talk to him about it. If your willing to have sex, but he's ignoring you for porn there's an issue.

My SO watches porn...I watch porn...and occasionally we watch it together. You can always try watching it with him.

Eta: words

kellbell1982 · August 2014

I found my husbands porn stash shortly after we started dating. I'll be honest, I felt a little upset because I worried I didn't measure up to those big booty women he likes so what I did was take him to an adult store and we picked out a porn stash together which we occasionally watch and try to act out. Involving yourself in the porn made me feel a hell of a lot better plus i think I'm prettier than a lot of the girls in his movies anyway;)

ngolimento · August 2014

I'm normally pretty feminist, and don't like to lump everyone in one category, but for reals, men are very visual creatures, and testosterone is a hormone that gives a person a higher sex drive. Of course that doesn't mean ALL men everywhere have to follow that trend, but it is a trend (whether from social raising or biology).

I personally don't like to think about my husband looking at other naked women, but then if I think about it, he lets me read my steamy romances in peace. In a way, he's letting me watch my porn in peace. So the least I can do is let him.

My main point is that human sexuality is not something that reacts well to stifling, and it isn't something that can be rationalized or 'turned off' on command. Nagging your husband to stop watching porn is not normally going to work. The brain throws out random sexual impulses whether we will it or not. He is of course responsible for his own actions, but you are also responsible for your half of the relationship too, and making sure he isn't being monitored like a child over something that seriously isn't a big deal in the slightest.

wendyld · August 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:
I'm normally pretty feminist, and don't like to lump everyone in one category, but for reals, men are very visual creatures, and testosterone is a hormone that gives a person a higher sex drive. Of course that doesn't mean ALL men everywhere have to follow that trend, but it is a trend (whether from social raising or biology).

I personally don't like to think about my husband looking at other naked women, but then if I think about it, he lets me read my steamy romances in peace. In a way, he's letting me watch my porn in peace. So the least I can do is let him.

My main point is that human sexuality is not something that reacts well to stifling, and it isn't something that can be rationalized or 'turned off' on command. Nagging your husband to stop watching porn is not normally going to work. The brain throws out random sexual impulses whether we will it or not. He is of course responsible for his own actions, but you are also responsible for your half of the relationship too, and making sure he isn't being monitored like a child over something that seriously isn't a big deal in the slightest.

So much of this. I feel like asking someone to suppress their very normal desires is like asking them to be someone else.

pnutg · August 2014

My husband and I are both pretty against porn for multiple reasons. You have every right to be upset. It's definitely an issue you guys should be on the same page about. Good luck!

MOHLee · August 2014

Hell watch it with him you might just like it. Since we are pregnant cut him some slack. I dont know about you but my dh and i havent touched each other since the day I found out I was expecting. My choice due to two back to back losses.

ruemorgan · August 2014

He might not be "choosing porn over you." Im still crazy attracted to my husband but sometimes I just want to get the job done. Just sayin.

almeyer2013 · August 2014

H is a ninja when it comes to porn. I don't really care about it that much though. It never bothered me. Since being together I have only caught him twice. Once being while he was watching Zero Dark Thirty. Now explain that one to me?

Want a personalized experience?

I give up.

Re: I give up.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards