Wishing I can be a SAHM (not possible)

thompnia · August 2014

I spent hours pouring over our budget trying to find ways to make it work for me to stay home. I was almost there! Then I had to look at the health insurance provided by my husband's employer.

literally twice the cost for less coverage.

My husband and I were very flippant with money (credit) before we were married and for the first year of marriage. We have spent the past four trying to fix it and are finally making some headway, but not enough that we can afford to lose my income.

We could afford for me to work only three days a week but if I drop below four the insurance costs skyrocket and I might as well quit. In reality, I would probably prefer to work two or three days a week to staying home full time, because I feel a lot of value in my profession (not saying I don't value SAHMs, but I worked my a$$ off to get where I am.)

I'm just frustrated. Anyone else not able to SAH or WOH or whatevere they would prefer to do?

LadyXaverian · August 2014

I'm not in your situation-- I am a teacher, and I want to keep working, but I know so many who are in the same boat as you. Wanting one thing or the other but not able to make it work. I'm sorry.

I hope that over time, you might be able to cut back your hours and find that happy balance you're wanting.

kayham12 · August 2014

I'm also a teacher and I love love love my job, but we wouldn't be able to afford it if I didn't work. My husband doesn't make enough money. We are pretty good financially, but we have a mortgage, a car payment and student loan payments. The cost of childcare isn't too high where I live, but I know a lot of women that choose to stay at home because child care would cancel out their paycheck. If that were the case, id be at home.

Edvent · August 2014

I was excited to drop down to four days a week and we had figured it out financially. Unfortunately I found out the loan repayer program I'm doing won't allow it or I'd have to double the length of my contract (we're in Texas and trying to get out of here and back close to family ASAP). I was super bummed, but have come to terms with the fact it's just two more years then we can move and I can work less if I want to. What helps me is me knowing I'll be home more in a few years, when they'll actually remember it.

jaxx723 · August 2014

I am in the same situation as you. I spent hours going over our budget and it's just not possible for me to stay at home with this child. It's heart breaking for me to not even have a choice in this matter.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's tough. I feel awful for any mom who would like one situation, but is forced to do the opposite.

My hope is that we can evaluate our finances in a year or two and see about staying home with kid number 2. Who knows, I may just love being a mom that works. *fingers crossed*

Milagros315 · August 2014

kayham12 said:

I'm also a teacher and I love love love my job, but we wouldn't be able to afford it if I didn't work. My husband doesn't make enough money. We are pretty good financially, but we have a mortgage, a car payment and student loan payments. The cost of childcare isn't too high where I live, but I know a lot of women that choose to stay at home because child care would cancel out their paycheck. If that were the case, id be at home.

This is me. I'm an adjunct professor so the cost of childcare would be more than my paycheck. I would actually like to continue working since it only amounts to about 10 hours of work (not counting work outside the classroom), but I don't think that we would be able to find an arrangement that's affordable and flexible enough to accommodate my weird schedule.

OP - I hope that over time you guys can come up with an arrangement that works for your family and makes you happy!

Cupcakes&Coffee · August 2014

Hugs! We'd like that too but being a teacher there really aren't options for part-time work in my area. Insurance is such a pain but so thankful I have it!

idontevenknow · August 2014

While I can only assume being a SAHM is not easy, it is a dream of mine as well, just not reality. Currently, I make more than my SO and on top of that, he pays $500 a month (which is a lot on his income) to his child's mother who refuses to work (and the judge thought it would be great for mom to stay home, so didn't impute her potential earnings even though dad has kid 35% of the time). I am kind of bitter over that because when I was a single young mom living with my parents, I worked at night... my child was asleep for most of my shift. Anyways, yea- I wish I could stay home. Maybe, just maybe.... my house would stay clean. My mom was a SAHM with 4 kids- two of which had disabilities (younger bro has kabuki syndrome and older bro was hit by a car) and her house was always clean. Ah, it's a nice dream.

emily3332 · August 2014

I'm a teacher (catholic school though-so lower pay - think 2/3ish of public school teachers in my area) and would like to stay home. It probably won't happen for me now for a couple reasons, first is I just switched schools and it all happened right when I found out I was expecting. I told the principal before I took the job and she was supportive, but now I feel like it would be in poor taste to not come back to finish the year, or to not come back for at least another full year or two. Besides that financially it would be tough, especially because of benefits. The hard part for me is that with childcare costs it doesn't seem like I'm bringing home much income, but when you add in the benefits it would be hard to do without. It's a bummer, but it's what we have going on now.

Beckyboo71 · August 2014

This is totally me. I have gone over how much daycare would cost (my aunt took care of DD the first time around), plus what I already pay for DD's before/after school care, etc. I still haven't presented it to DH, but from conversations we've had, it seems like he's assuming I'm going to continue to work

. My ex-husband REFUSED to even consider me being a SAHM (he is a total douche), but I think DH would probably consider it. But the thought of my baby being in daycare just makes me want to cry. It was hard enough leaving DD with my aunt! I still tear up sometimes leaving her at before/after school care....and she's 6!!! It is my dream to be able to take her & pick her up at school, volunteer in her class, and be able to not miss any milestone with this new little one, but I'm thinking that it's just not possible. Especially here in Los Angeles where the cost of living is outrageous

readyforround2 · August 2014

I'm also a teacher. I work for a small private school that specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities. It's a lot of work, but I adore my kids and loved seeing them at open house.

My husband is worried about me going back because we had a few issues with fighting last year (mostly from 2 EBD kids whose disorders were not devulged to us) and I did get punched (not very hard and the child was mortified about hitting me and not the child he had intended to) but because of the nearly constant fighting the 2 students were transferred to our sister school that is more equipped to handle their EBD outbursts. After reading over all of the files for my students this year, I think they will be much more calm (hopefully).

I am very fortunate to have complete support from my director and the teacher I work side by side with about possibly staying at home and moving down to substituting, but untill my husband's new business with his step dad starts generating a constant paycheck and I can come on as an HR manager, it won't be possible. It's heartbreaking because I'd really like to stay home at least until my daughter starts school, but right now, it's not looking promising.

lavet22 · August 2014

I'm a SAHM and have been ever since DS2 arrived. That said, I also have a part time job 2-ish days per week (sometimes more, sometimes less) and have ever since becoming a SAHM. Frankly, I needed the mental stimulation of being around grownups. I also needed a break from 24/7 mom duties. I find with my job I am much happier, much more patient with my children, and a better parent that I could be if I didn't get out of the house on my own every now and then.

When I first bumped down to part time, we transferred the family health insurance to DH (previously, I was the carrier for the kids and I). When DS2 was about 6mths old, DH had a reduction of benefits and our out of pocket costs went from $300/mth to $1000/mth + $5K annual deductible. We had to make some SERIOUS changed in our lifestyles to enable me to keep my part time position. If that had happened before DS2 was born, staying at home would never have been an option.

I certainly understand wanting to stay at home more and having the finances dictate that ability, but I really do think cutting back to 4 days/wk would make a huge difference. That 1 extra day every week to enjoy your kiddo would be much enjoyed by everyone!!

jennyhatt · August 2014

idontevenknow said:
While I can only assume being a SAHM is not easy, it is a dream of mine as well, just not reality. Currently, I make more than my SO and on top of that, he pays $500 a month (which is a lot on his income) to his child's mother who refuses to work (and the judge thought it would be great for mom to stay home, so didn't impute her potential earnings even though dad has kid 35% of the time). I am kind of bitter over that because when I was a single young mom living with my parents, I worked at night... my child was asleep for most of my shift. Anyways, yea- I wish I could stay home. Maybe, just maybe.... my house would stay clean. My mom was a SAHM with 4 kids- two of which had disabilities (younger bro has kabuki syndrome and older bro was hit by a car) and her house was always clean. Ah, it's a nice dream.

Ahaha I'm a SAHM and my house is tidy but definitely not clean! I spend our days doing activities and play dates and cooking.... I run out of time some days!
A lot of teachers on here! I am also a teacher and work supply. My hubby works shift so I pick up days when he is home (not a lot for a significant income but just to keep me in with my board). I did not make enough to justify going to work... A couple hundred dollars a month extra in my bank account was not worth it to me so we make it work. We have to watch what we spend for sure but I consider myself fortunate to be able to stay home till all my kids are in school full time.

I wish every mom had the ability to do what was best for them and their family. Whether it's work, stay home or work part time. Good luck!

TehysKitaBug · August 2014

My DH is expecting me to go back to work, and as much as I like my job I really dont get great pay. I still haven't been able to figure out if I'll even make enough to make working worth it.

lavet22 · August 2014

Blazerbay214 said:

I have the opposite problem. I don't want to be a SAHM but the circumstances are looking like I might have no choice. I think being a SAHM is probably one of the toughest jobs around and although I love my children more than life itself being a SAHM is not something I would find personally fulfilling. DD goes to an awesome daycare and we see so many benefits from it, I'm scared I wouldn't be able to provide her (and her sibling) the same experiences.

I often struggle with this myself. We do a lot of play dates, library time, playing at the park, and crafts, but it's hard to find time for structured learning that I think would give my kids a nice leg up for school. When DS1 was in preschool, I asked his teacher for advise on activities for the home that would aid in learning. She suggested simple fine motor tasks like coloring, puzzles, play-doh, working with Legos and builing block towers/structures. This helps them prepare for writing and supposedly makes learning "easier." I also got an erase board that the boys like to draw on and a preschool prep book that comes with erase markers so they can practice writing their letters and numbers. DS2 (who just turned 4 and will be starting preschool this week) really enjoys it. He can write all his letters, his name, knows all the letters of the alphabet and can count to 100. I work with him a few days per week only as long as he is interested.

Give it a try if you want, I have found success with just simple fun tasks! (Jeez, I sound like an infomercial..)

SandraRDH · August 2014

We are wishing I could at least go part-time, but I will be right back to full-time as soon as my 12 weeks off is over. I currently have, 1 monday off per month and that's it and that is what I'll be returning to. It's a lot and there is no wiggle room in the budget. DH and I both paid for all of our own college education and paid for our own wedding. We're making some progress on paying this stuff down and are paying as much as we can each month to try to get there sooner. As of right now, it looks like we should have a majority of that debt paid off in a little over two years from now. Fingers crossed, we'll re-evaluate the work status situation at that time.

NatureLovers · August 2014

I have more than one friend that were not able to become SAHM's until their kids were older. It stinks, but it is what it is.

I'm in a weird position in that I'm currently a SAHW, but not really by choice. I was in a miserable job when I had a very serious accident last year, which required several months of recuperation. My employer was furious at my being gone, and long story short, managed to edge me out of my job. I thought it was NBD, as I am very experienced and good at what I do, and I'd have a new job soon. Then I unexpectedly got pregnant, and hyperemesis hit hardcore. There is no way at all that I could work between my HG and bedrest. Besides, who's going to hire someone who's 20 weeks pregnant? So now we have the stress of being on one income unexpectedly, and it sucks. But we're hanging in there, and I'll probably get a job when the baby is 4-6 months old, I think. We'll see.

nolansmom08 · August 2014

When my first was born in 2008 I wanted to stay home more than anything, but couldn't mostly because I carried the insurance and DH's company didn't offer it (he's 1 of 3 employees). When DS 1 was 18 months old I got a job that allowed me to work 4 days a week, but I really compromised amount of responsibility/work environment for that. A year later I got another job, also 4 days per week, and got pregant with DS 2. After DS 2 was born, I was ready to go back to work at 8 weeks...which I did, workig half time for an additional 8 weeks. I learned then, with an older child (DS 1 was 3) that I was not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I really thought so, when all I did was snuggle with him when he was 3 months old! Especially with 2, I found it wasn't for me long term. I also found that in my job (not an hourly job) it was difficult to get my job done in 4 days and ended up doing a lot from home on my day off, and it really wasn't enjoyable for any of us...plus I was making less money, but yet working on my day off. Ultimately, I've now gone back to work full time and I actually feel a better balance (usually). When I'm at work, I'm at work and when I'm at home, I'm focused on home. I make quite a bit more money than DH now, so he has really become the primary caretaker of the kids....dropping them off, picking them up, etc, espcially now that our oldest started school last year. With this newish job that I have now, I'm the only one that does my job and as a result, I really don't know how I'll be able to take much time off. I'll probably have to go back at least part time after 6 weeks, and might end up having to do some things while I'm out. I'm bummed about that, but it is what it is. This has gotten really long, but I guess my point is that sometimes what we think we want, doesn't turn out to be true and by making the best of the circumstances we have, we find what truly works best for us.

gingerygirl · August 2014

I would love to be able to stay at home with my sweet little girl but alas, it's not in the cards for us either. I hate the idea of daycare and having some stranger raise my baby. I'd much rather have a relative watch her while I'm at work. Plus it's super expensive. Also, I work in retail and hate it so I'd love to not have to go back to that

MusicFanatic · August 2014

mrsjoslyn16 said:

I guess I'm the opposite. I'm a pink slipped teacher so I'll be staying home with baby. I love my profession and wish I had a job to go back to. I'm scared I won't be a good SAHM and have the patience needed to care for the baby all day.

This is sort of me. Moving to Canada=not allowed to work. I can't work for a good year because I need to be a permanent resident first. And then I don't even know what I would find here. It's a smaller city than what I'm used to and my job wasn't one that you can just fill out an application and walz in and expect an interview the next week. Most cities aren't overflowing with the need for ballet teachers. I had planned to stay working back 'home' and now I'll be a SAHM. And honestly, it's hard to wrap my head and brain around because I've worked since I was 16. I feel like I'll need that adult interaction and I won't have the patience or be a wonderful SAHM. I'm sure once the time comes I will be, and I'm even sure I'll love it. But beforehand it's a bit scary for me.

NatureLovers · August 2014

gingerygirl said:
I would love to be able to stay at home with my sweet little girl but alas, it's not in the cards for us either. I hate the idea of daycare and having some stranger raise my baby. I'd much rather have a relative watch her while I'm at work. Plus it's super expensive. Also, I work in retail and hate it so I'd love to not have to go back to that

A stranger will not be raising your baby. That's rather offensive to working moms, just FYI.

Hope&faith15 · August 2014

I am in the same boat and sadly be prepared for the comments you get from people. We can't afford it if I don't go back to work and it's very tough. When I went back with my daughter all of these women said things like... You are back already! When I had my child we did without so I could be home...you can't take any more time? Etc. it was very tough for me. Yesterday at the playground a sahm asked me how long I would take off and said you must be doing at least 12 weeks! I just replied we can't afford too much time and I'll see. Do these people think it is their place?

MNgirl326 · August 2014

I am a working mom- another teacher

And as much as i enjoy being home with my son during the summer, by the time school starts we are both ready to be back to our school routine. Yes, it can be difficult sometimes, and it can be hard to find a balance, but I wouldn't change my situation for the world. i love what i do and i love that LO gets to go to a fun and exciting daycare everyday where he is challenged and stimulated by friends and teachers.

the whole, "Stranger raising my teacher" line is pure crap. I'm sorry, but that person is a teacher. It's offensive to me as a mother and as a teacher. I trust my son's teachers 100% and it i thank my lucky stars i had them in my life when LO was a baby and have them still in my life. They are the ones that helped me get him on a schedule when he was a baby, they are pushed me to keep talking to doctors when LO was sick as a baby and i didn't know it. They are also the ones that helped with potty training every day and they are the ones that support me when i want to try a discipline method because LO is struggling with XYZ. They are not strangers, they are supporters, and they support not only my son but my family. They are not raising my son, they are teaching him. I still get plenty of time to raise and teach him but you better believe on Monday morning, after a tough weekend I am excited that i get to bring him to school and get a break from him.

Like i said, i love being home with him in the summer, but it is exhausting. I am the one who has to plan outings and crafts and playtime and every thing in between. Its great- but it is exhausting and with playdates and outings comes drama with other SAHM's. Crap and gossip that i don't have an interest in being apart of - but i get to by defult if my kid is going to play with their kids. Like i said before, as much as i love being home in the summer, come August 15th I am excited that i don't have to stay home anymore and that i have a job to go to and LO has preschool to go back too.

Beckyboo71 · August 2014

NatureLovers said:

I would love to be able to stay at home with my sweet little girl but alas, it's not in the cards for us either. I hate the idea of daycare and having some stranger raise my baby. I'd much rather have a relative watch her while I'm at work. Plus it's super expensive. Also, I work in retail and hate it so I'd love to not have to go back to that
A stranger will not be raising your baby. That's rather offensive to working moms, just FYI.

I don't want to speak for @gingerygirl‌, but I think I understand what she was trying to say, because I basically said the same thing without using the word "stranger". Because I had my aunt watch DD, and she was her main focus, the thought of my baby being one of who-knows-how-many other babies just makes me sad. And, yes, this person will initially be a "stranger", as opposed to a family member. I don't think she was trying to be offensive....just comparing taking care of your own blood, compared to someone not related taking care of him/her.

robsbabygirl08 · August 2014

@thompnia I have several thoughts on this. I am guess from previous posts you have made that you are either a scrub tech or first assist or something along those lines. Have you looked in to going through a PRN agency such a Maxim healthcare or something like that? PRN employees make more per hour than regular employees (I made $4 more per hour). However, I have no insight as to how the insurance would work for these companies. These companies usually supply techs for several different hospitals. And if you aren't available to work a certain day you just tell them. There is usually a minimum pay period requirement.

Now this is just my personal experience, but working in the OR offers us the ability to have countless one on one personal relationships with several other people. I mean come on, we stand close enough to the same people day after day that we literally breathe each others air. I stayed home 18 months after my daughter was born and as much as I love her, it drives me bat shit crazy. I had no idea how much I relied on adult conversations to keep my sanity. Physically, being a SAHM was the easiest thing I've ever done, but mentally and emotionally is was the hardest.

MNgirl326 · August 2014

Beckyboo71 said:

NatureLovers said:

I would love to be able to stay at home with my sweet little girl but alas, it's not in the cards for us either. I hate the idea of daycare and having some stranger raise my baby. I'd much rather have a relative watch her while I'm at work. Plus it's super expensive. Also, I work in retail and hate it so I'd love to not have to go back to that
A stranger will not be raising your baby. That's rather offensive to working moms, just FYI.

I don't want to speak for @gingerygirl‌, but I think I understand what she was trying to say, because I basically said the same thing without using the word "stranger". Because I had my aunt watch DD, and she was her main focus, the thought of my baby being one of who-knows-how-many other babies just makes me sad. And, yes, this person will initially be a "stranger", as opposed to a family member. I don't think she was trying to be offensive....just comparing taking care of your own blood, compared to someone not related taking care of him/her.

Just because someone is "of your own blood" does't always make them the most qualified person to take care of your baby.

i have heard many many people on these boards talk about their MIL, aunts, sisters and other insert family member here that have done things that piss them off while watching their kids but they can't say anything because it's family.

My step sister does daycare and she was an option, but i actually chose against her and went for "Strangers" becuase I wanted her to be only auntie Kim to my son and not auntie kim and my daycare teacher. Lines and boundries get really smudgy when family is watching kids. It does work for some people, but not for others.

With any situation you as the parent need to weigh the pros and cons for what works for you family. If having a family member works for you - great. But it doesn't always work out for everyone. there is no "right" way to parent.

gingerygirl · August 2014

Beckyboo71 said:

NatureLovers said:

I would love to be able to stay at home with my sweet little girl but alas, it's not in the cards for us either. I hate the idea of daycare and having some stranger raise my baby. I'd much rather have a relative watch her while I'm at work. Plus it's super expensive. Also, I work in retail and hate it so I'd love to not have to go back to that
A stranger will not be raising your baby. That's rather offensive to working moms, just FYI.

I don't want to speak for @gingerygirl‌, but I think I understand what she was trying to say, because I basically said the same thing without using the word "stranger". Because I had my aunt watch DD, and she was her main focus, the thought of my baby being one of who-knows-how-many other babies just makes me sad. And, yes, this person will initially be a "stranger", as opposed to a family member. I don't think she was trying to be offensive....just comparing taking care of your own blood, compared to someone not related taking care of him/her.

yep, this exactly. I have a great respect for daycare workers, but I would rather someone I know personally watch my baby.

NatureLovers · August 2014

The issue is not the word stranger, it's her implication that someone else is raising your child. A daycare worker, regardless of relation, does not raise your child.

Maebb · August 2014

When I was pregnant with DS, my mom asked if I was going to be a SAHM, I said no, and she said, "You're not going to let day care raise your baby, are you?" I said, "No, DH and I are raising him. We are going to have someone help watch him while I am at work." I am also offended by the idea that someone else (stranger or not) is "raising" the child if he/she is in daycare.

I work outside the home, and probably 80% of the time, I'm glad I do. There are times when I miss DS or work sucks, and I feel like I would prefer staying home. But then there are times when I enjoy working. Hugs to all the moms who can't do what you want.

Stargirlb · August 2014

Takes a village to raise a child. Stop getting offended that some like help getting their child raised and some don't. Who kerrrrs.

MNgirl326 · August 2014

NatureLovers said:

The issue is not the word stranger, it's her implication that someone else is raising your child. A daycare worker, regardless of relation, does not raise your child.

yes absolutely, but i actually find the stranger part offensive as well. The word stranger makes it sound like i found some random joe off the street and said, hey come take care of my kid.

It does not take in account that the person who is hired is an educated professional who went to school for early education, had a background check and goes through continuous professional development classes on chid development.

A school teacher is a stranger, a doctor is a stranger, but yet they are entrusted to take care of our children. So, why is a daycare teacher not given that same respect?

Just some things to think about.

kolaczka · August 2014

We will be sending the kids to daycare even though we have a plethora of family within an hour. My mother has been vehemently against daycare but I asked her if she would prefer to be excluded from the trusted contacts list so she doesn't have to visit one of those places and she backed down quickly.

I am not against family watching the kids exactly but they seem to think that they get to have more leeway with our decisions on how to raise the kids. Not a chance. Also it would be significantly more work to balance schedules, shifting care based on the day and family member.

I could stay home and probably won't take the option off the board until after I have gone back to work. I really don't have a great feel for what the right balance will be yet. However, my intuition tells me I am not stay at home mom material. So instead I am starting to evaluate what my needs at work are now and what they will be later. I am articulating my limitations at the office and resetting the expectations.

AggieMom0809 · August 2014

I'm a SAHM and loving it. Though, it was a huge financial struggle to begin with. The job I had included great insurance and would have covered daycare, but I couldn't stand the idea of some someone else raising my child. They would be at the care facility for more waking hours than I would see them and have more influence on their day to day activities.

We could do preschool, but chose not to mainly for the cost. The hours of preschool isn't nearly as long and they are going their to learn socialization and educational things not life skills like a daycare. We do group playdates with similar ages of kids. (some educational some just for social interaction) My oldest knew her alphabet, numbers just past 100, how to sound out basic words, cut, and write anything you told her before going into kinder. My son at 4y can read at the 1st grade level, add numbers up to 12, subtract numbers up to 10, as well as everything my oldest knew. The preschools around here refuse to teach past the required entry level the public kinder program. I didn't want to hold my kids back. (They are very social too with children their age not just book worms.)

We were lucky in getting tons of hand-me-down in clothes and other baby gear. I would not have traded the first few years of struggle. I started my own company as a hobby, but now it pays for all of my kids extra activities so they aren't missing out on anything. If you want to be a SAHM it can be done. It's up to you to be willing to make more sacrifices.

AggieMom0809 · August 2014

Firefly3911 said:

AggieMom0809 said:

I'm a SAHM and loving it. Though, it was a huge financial struggle to begin with. The job I had included great insurance and would have covered daycare, but I couldn't stand the idea of some someone else raising my child. They would be at the care facility for more waking hours than I would see them and have more influence on their day to day activities.

We could do preschool, but chose not to mainly for the cost. The hours of preschool isn't nearly as long and they are going their to learn socialization and educational things not life skills like a daycare. We do group playdates with similar ages of kids. (some educational some just for social interaction) My oldest knew her alphabet, numbers just past 100, how to sound out basic words, cut, and write anything you told her before going into kinder. My son at 4y can read at the 1st grade level, add numbers up to 12, subtract numbers up to 10, as well as everything my oldest knew. The preschools around here refuse to teach past the required entry level the public kinder program. I didn't want to hold my kids back. (They are very social too with children their age not just book worms.)

We were lucky in getting tons of hand-me-down in clothes and other baby gear. I would not have traded the first few years of struggle. I started my own company as a hobby, but now it pays for all of my kids extra activities so they aren't missing out on anything. If you want to be a SAHM it can be done. It's up to you to be willing to make more sacrifices.

See, daycare isn't raising your child. Aren't they reinforcing your rules and such? I'm no where near qualified to be an early child teacher, and yet because of our circumstances, I *have* to stay home. I'd like for my kids to be exposed to daycare and kid interactions. I don't have a local mommy group for that or to learn from.

And sometimes people make enough and can find a QUALITY daycare for much cheaper than $15k a year. I would have kept working if that had been the case here. However, we're screwed by the area. Either the daycare/homecare sucks (too many calls and issues with the care as noted by the state) or they're incredibly expensive.

Don't get all sancti-mommy about how SAH *can be done*. Sometimes it CAN'T.

No, none of the day cares in my area would reinforce my rules. Their rules are far more laid back. They children (once at speaking age) aren't required to say ma'am or sir. They aren't required to eat what is given to them. Their views on sharing are far different than mine. As infants, they are not held as much as I would like and taught before 6m to cry it out even while awake or not tired because there aren't enough providers to hold them.

There are more options for being able to stay at home. Find a new job that lets you stay at home. Join a direct sales company. Pick a hobby fixing things for people or creating something you can sell. If you really want it to be a SAHM there are ways.

jc51723 · August 2014

I *think* I would like to be a SAHM. It just doesn't make sense to me to be spending nearly my whole paycheck on childcare. We already have a 3 year old and she is in childcare three days a week and we LOVE the care that she gets. She loves school and is learning tons, so I have nothing against childcare at all! Her teachers are like our family now. I would actually want to keep her there at least 2 days a week even if I did stay home. And I also agree the whole "stranger" argument is crap. I did an obscene amount of research and visiting before deciding on a childcare center for DD, as any parent would do.

We are going to have to cut back majorly to be able to afford to send DD2 to childcare if I go back to work, so it is definitely worth trying to make additional cuts to allow me to stay home. And I don't want to stay home forever. Just until DD2 turns 2 and can start at the preschool DD1 is at now (she'll be in Kindergarten by that point). We have a couple years worth of savings so its not like we have nothing, but we might have a lot less if I stay home for two years!

It is a hard decision for sure. I wish every mom could have to perfect scenario, whether that is staying home or working!

thompnia · August 2014

I'm going to crunch the numbers again. I''ve thought about trying to sell Mary Kay or another direct sales business to add income, but I don't think I could get a client base. Our son didn't start daycare until he was a year old; the idea of dropping off my only weeks old little girl breaks my heart.

motherboy · August 2014

AggieMom0809 said:

Firefly3911 said:

AggieMom0809 said:

I'm a SAHM and loving it. Though, it was a huge financial struggle to begin with. The job I had included great insurance and would have covered daycare, but I couldn't stand the idea of some someone else raising my child. They would be at the care facility for more waking hours than I would see them and have more influence on their day to day activities.

We could do preschool, but chose not to mainly for the cost. The hours of preschool isn't nearly as long and they are going their to learn socialization and educational things not life skills like a daycare. We do group playdates with similar ages of kids. (some educational some just for social interaction) My oldest knew her alphabet, numbers just past 100, how to sound out basic words, cut, and write anything you told her before going into kinder. My son at 4y can read at the 1st grade level, add numbers up to 12, subtract numbers up to 10, as well as everything my oldest knew. The preschools around here refuse to teach past the required entry level the public kinder program. I didn't want to hold my kids back. (They are very social too with children their age not just book worms.)

We were lucky in getting tons of hand-me-down in clothes and other baby gear. I would not have traded the first few years of struggle. I started my own company as a hobby, but now it pays for all of my kids extra activities so they aren't missing out on anything. If you want to be a SAHM it can be done. It's up to you to be willing to make more sacrifices.

See, daycare isn't raising your child. Aren't they reinforcing your rules and such? I'm no where near qualified to be an early child teacher, and yet because of our circumstances, I *have* to stay home. I'd like for my kids to be exposed to daycare and kid interactions. I don't have a local mommy group for that or to learn from.

And sometimes people make enough and can find a QUALITY daycare for much cheaper than $15k a year. I would have kept working if that had been the case here. However, we're screwed by the area. Either the daycare/homecare sucks (too many calls and issues with the care as noted by the state) or they're incredibly expensive.

Don't get all sancti-mommy about how SAH *can be done*. Sometimes it CAN'T.

No, none of the day cares in my area would reinforce my rules. Their rules are far more laid back. They children (once at speaking age) aren't required to say ma'am or sir. They aren't required to eat what is given to them. Their views on sharing are far different than mine. As infants, they are not held as much as I would like and taught before 6m to cry it out even while awake or not tired because there aren't enough providers to hold them.

There are more options for being able to stay at home. Find a new job that lets you stay at home. Join a direct sales company. Pick a hobby fixing things for people or creating something you can sell. If you really want it to be a SAHM there are ways.

-----------

I bet they would even let your son play with dolls! The horror!!! 1!!

jc51723 · August 2014

ladyamanuet said:

This is my response to the get a different job thing to be able to SAH. In this economy it is not like you can just go get a job that has the benefits, pay, and schedule you would prefer.

How is a single mom doing "direct sales" to stay home supposed to build her business if she is staying home? Also, it's not like Mary Kay or Avon provide insurance, a 401(k), or anything.

Get off your high horse. It is NOT always possible.

Love it!! And yes I agree on the whole direct sales thing. I "sell" Mary Kay and I put that in quotes because I have actually probably lost money doing it. Only a very tiny percentage of people actually make a living off of direct sales and those people treat it like a full-time job.

SpaceGirlSpiff · August 2014

ladyamanuet said:

I really hate the "get a work from home job to be a SAHM" thing. I worked from home for 5 years. There is NO WAY I could have been taking care of a kid during that time.

Also, know how many real vacations I took in those 5 years? 1. When I was on a cruise and couldn't answer email or phone calls because my phone didn't have service. Did I travel and see friends and family? Sure. But I was working almost the whole time.

Did it allow me the flexibility to get errands done somewhat on my own schedule? Yup. But I worked more hours than I do now, because I was always "in the office". Working from home is not easy. Because it is still a JOB. If you can work from home and take your kid, then, honestly, I feel like you aren't putting 100% into your work. If you work from home and it's part time? Ok, I can see that working to allow you to be a SAHM. But a full time job is still a full time job, no matter where you perform your job duties from.

I can testify to this too... "Just getting a WAH job" is NOT a viable solution to go throwing out there to be a SAHM. No. If it's possible at all, it's a very short-term solution or only good for sporadic occasions (like sick days, etc)

I actually did it, and I did it for the first 18 months of my son's life. The only reason it even remotely worked (and I use that loosely, because I actually had to sacrifice a lot and was miserable), is that I had a patient and supportive boss (not always the norm), who is also a distant in-law of mine so had a family interest as well and offered more stability than a non-relative boss might (also not the norm), and at least half or more of my job is very flexible hours-wise since it's bookkeeping/accounting (course that also sucks because it means I didn't sleep much at all -- up either with the baby or working!)

But it's still a full time job, and I'm the only one at our company that does it...which means not only do I barely get backup to help out (if any), but we don't ever take vacations or get real breaks...sick days? Ha. Sure I can rest on the couch, but I have to keep my phone on me. I'm always "on the clock", always have to keep an eye on the business since I pretty much manage the whole thing. It's also why I don't get a real maternity leave, our company is still growing and there is just no backup right now. But I've adapted to this and made it work last time, we'll make it work this time.

You might wonder why I keep this job? Because it's stable and it provides us the income we need to get by in this high cost of living area where jobs are NOT prevalent right now...especially not jobs that offer this flexibility. It is not easy to just "go out and get a job", especially not one that works for your particular family, and especially when you're the breadwinner the whole family is counting on.

So basically...sure... maybe in the beginning if you are willing to give up more sleep than having a newborn already takes from you, and you have a supportive boss that you know wont fire you when you can't give your usual 100%... sure, it's doable to take care of an immobile newborn/infant .... your marriage might be tense because you're moody, nothing around the house will actually EVER get done because all you're focused on is work and baby, you don't get any breaks at all, and you may lose a lot of confidence in yourself because you just can't juggle it all. That's the reality of being a WAHM. You can survive through it, because obviously I did...but it is Far far far farrrrr from ideal or the best for you or your baby.

This second time around, I do actually intend to stay at home again in the beginning, but I'm taking steps now to better set myself up for success to WAH, now that I've experienced it once and know what to expect...and I will recognize when it's time to throw in the towel this time...and I'm sure it'll be a lot sooner than 18 months. Depends on the temperament of the baby, of course.

AggieMom0809 · August 2014

ladyamanuet said:

This is my response to the get a different job thing to be able to SAH. In this economy it is not like you can just go get a job that has the benefits, pay, and schedule you would prefer.

How is a single mom doing "direct sales" to stay home supposed to build her business if she is staying home? Also, it's not like Mary Kay or Avon provide insurance, a 401(k), or anything.

Get off your high horse. It is NOT always possible.

I'm tired of people using "today's economy" as an excuse. There are "now hiring" signs on almost every other business in town. They may not allow for stay at home, but jobs are out there if people would stop making excuses and expect things to be handed to them. I've had to work for everything I have. I paid my own way through college through saving money from babysitting since age 10 and many other jobs since I was 16y. I never had a hard time getting a job. No, not everyone hired me, but I went to every building on many blocks until I found a job. When I moved to a different city, I did the same thing. If you want it, you can get it!

As for the direct sales: To build a customer base, go to playgrounds, stores, just out in public. I know many who are doing avon, scentsy, 31, and other direct sales so they can stay at home. There's also fb and other social media to build your customer base.

AggieMom0809 · August 2014

I don't do direct sales. As I've said before, I started my own company that hes become very successful. I didn't have a huge client base to start out with, but I made it work because I was going to stay at home when my oldest was born. I work during nap/rest time and in the evenings. It's not my kids fault they are on this Earth, so why should I deprive them of the ability to stay with their mother who is suppose to be their to nurture their child?

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