UO Thursday

[Deleted User] · August 2014

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

This makes me sad.

lilmissfancy · August 2014

I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget

I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

Fuck that! That is what makes me so irrationally angry about this whole debate. Your post wasn't about etiquette or feelings on baby showers...it was about your family shit. It makes me so upset that the SS from N14 felt it necessary to use that as entertainment, or a reason why we should have flamed you. Had she done it correctly on her own board, this whole thing probably could have been avoided. But a lack of braincells turned it into Oct14 vs. Nov14 drama shit show and now it's like a running joke. That bothers me a lot. You have been someone to give support to many different people on here, and now aren't even comfortable posting on your own BMB (and I've noticed you've been pretty quiet lately).

My motto is - fuck what everyone thinks. They can make shitty jokes or comments all they want. At some point, every single person alive has done something that someone else could consider tacky.

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

MrsSinner402 said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.
This gives me the sadz.

I agree!

LightBright515 · August 2014

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

Wife of the year.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love.

I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.

Emerald27 · August 2014

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I 100% agree. Unless I'm in pain or feeling unwell, when DH initiates, even if I'm tired I always try. I think it's really important to try to maintain intimacy within your marriage during your pregnancy. And that goes both ways too - even if DH is less than enthused by your figure, he should do his best for you. Sex is about giving of yourself to another and intimacy. It's not fundamentally about you and your needs and desires, it's about loving the other person.

Wino411 · August 2014

dorothyzbornak97 said:

ADH0906 said:

pnwlover12 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

I personally want people to call me out if I've got my head up my ass. Not an invitation to N14... To the members here. I contacted someone who went to the N14 thread and asked for her opinion and ended up having a great pm about it. I would have had the same conversation on my post had she commented there. Still not sure why I didn't get flamed by people whose opinions actually matter to me. Not that I am saying you are talking about me, but that was one instance where we were very publically flamed for our Mean Girls culture.

Ok, fine, since you asked.

I kept quite because I'm not a super active poster, everyone else was giving you love tits, and you threatened to "flame the shit" out of anyone who told you that hosting your own shower was tacky. But I read your shower post and thought it was ridiculous. I don't know all of your family issues, but from reading your post it seemed like 80% of the problems with the shower stemmed from you trying to micromanage it and demanding that it be done exactly your way. It's not just a matter of whether or not hosting your own shower is tacky, your experience is a perfect example of why it is a terrible idea to host your own shower. It seems like everything would have worked out much better if you had just accepted your SIL's initial offer to host and gotten out of the way. I was surprised that no one called you out on that and instead everyone just gave you hugs.

Meanwhile, a newb posted on this board a day or two about hosting her own shower and everyone told her it was tacky. There is definitely a group think mentality around not calling out certain people.
What is your reading comprehension level? She didn't host her own shower...

Come now, let's not be purposely obtuse. The OP was full of etiquette missteps and I'm not surprised that it was called out on a few other boards...and that is not a reflection of how I felt about the OP, it's just a reflection of how I felt about that situation and the board's reaction to it. As I said in my UO, I don't have any desire to wade into a board-wide debate that doesn't have a place outside of the OP, but I'm not going to leave @SaraML13 hanging. Of course this is one (of many) of the posts that we've been referencing, and I think it was perfectly clear that @TheOtherJacobsons knows that by the amount of times that she's demanded to know what we're referencing. There are plenty of other examples that also don't need to be rehashed here either: that was not the point. The UO was to bring attention to the group think mentality (I feel like I should #groupthink that), which is exactly the thinking that has gotten other BMBs into some pretty tight spots and it has a place at this table to be discussed.
It's clearly a UO, and we're not demanding that the board change (which would be silly), but it's enough to make several people uncomfortable so why not discuss it, minority opinion or not?

This, exactly.

And I also really want to make the point that this is not just about the baby shower post to me. In all honesty, I've noticed this kind of thing happening long before that was ever posted (and to be even more honest, I didn't even read that post, so I can't really comment on it).

I think the fact that several people have spoken up in this thread to express discomfort in sharing opinions that are against the group opinion shows there's a problem. What the solution to that is, though, I really don't know.

I think the solution would be to state your opinion. Whether it goes against what the group thinks or not. Like you've stated, several people feel uncomfortable sharing their opinion, if at least one person spoke up, most likely more would follow and therefore there wouldn't be this atmosphere of group think that's being alluded to. But by NOT saying your opinion b/c it's different than what the crowd thinks only contributes to that atmosphere.

Emerald27 · August 2014

MrsSarahRenee said:

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love.

I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.

I think you misunderstood her! She didn't say you should still have sex if it hurts!! But that if you "don't feel like it," you should make an effort...like as in tired or diminished libido.

wildflower75 · August 2014

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

This makes me sad but it also makes me confused.. you received sooo much support when you posted. Why not focus on those positives and all the love that was thrown your way?

TheOtherJacobsons · August 2014

Nicb13 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

No dude, don't be that way. Brush this shit off. For real.

I will. I am just being a drama queen. Need a little time is all.

SusieBW · August 2014

alfibet said:

For UO: I completely agree with the poster who said they hate music (again I'm sorry I didn't find the poster who said it ) I SO hate music. When I was 18, a friend and I followed a band around to several countries going to their concerts... But sometime around 22 years old, I just stopped caring so much about music. It got boring and repetitive. Now It's the strict like rhythm to the music that drives me crazy? I guess? the verse, chorus, verse thing, then the background instruments that are doing the same beat or sound throughout the whole song just feel so loud to me, so much louder than the lyrics. All I hear is that one instrument making the same exact sound every few seconds... especially in music that uses "beats" like hip hop or rap. I will almost always drive around with just silence, unless my step son is in the car. I'll play music for him because he enjoys it.

Wow. This is completely the opposite of me, and I'm fascinated by it. I'm the one that said I love all the music. I love everything about it, I love the way different people and instruments can come together to make something completely new and different, and how they can keep doing that, even after hundreds of years of people making music, and I love hearing new music and finding bands I've never heard, and how it can bring people together, and there's something so very special to me about live music. . . I've known people who have said they're just not into music, and that's cool, but I've never heard anyone express so specifically what it is they don't like and why. I have no counter to your opinion or anything like that, it's just really interesting to learn how other people's minds work.

And I'm terribly curious what band you followed.

And even with all of that I just spewed about how much I love music, I listen to books in my car, mostly.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

Emerald27 said:

MrsSarahRenee said:

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love.

I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.
I think you misunderstood her! She didn't say you should still have sex if it hurts!! But that if you "don't feel like it," you should make an effort...like as in tired or diminished libido.

I guess the "sex is uncomfortable right now" is what struck a nerve. If it is uncomfortable, I am sorry but I am uncomfortable!! It isn't about me, but it shouldn't be all about him either. I dunno. I think women sometimes feel obligated to please men and maybe her UO just rubbed me the wrong way.
I like sex. Don't get me wrong.

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

lilmissfancy said:

I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I didn't lose my sense of agency or personal space just because I got married. He is not "due" sex just because he wants it or because I have not had major mouth/hand surgery, am not on pelvic rest, or because he's acting like a decent human being.

Thankfully I have a respectful husband who would never want me to engage in sexual activity with him if I wasn't in the mood or was not feeling well (but hadn't had major mouth/hand surgery or was on pelvic rest). He actually wants me to be mentally, emotionally, and physically present.

GretchenWeiners7 · August 2014

Nicb13 said:

pushgal84 said:

Liss1481 said:

GretchenWeiners7 said:

SNIP
As someone who was 50-70 lbs overweight pre-pregnancy, I agree with this as well. It's nice to know that our society is working on being more accepting of all kinds of people, but that doesn't mean I should accept my overweight self as-is and not try to work on it. It's like telling your kid that C's are perfectly fine grades and they should be super proud of it and never try and harder to do better. Now if you're they're trying hard to get better grades, but not quite getting there, then at least they're trying... I think that's the important part of anything really, trying to make good choices, not rolling over and just accepting it the way it is.

This I can agree with. I have some very overweight family members that are too lazy (sorry, they are) to do anything about their weight so instead, they constantly shout on FB about how "big is beautiful" and "you aren't beautiful unless you are plus sized" because they just don't want to put in the work to get down to a "healthy" weight (whatever that might be for them). THAT shit annoys me.

Agreed with all the above. And someone else said something about being shamed for being too skinny- it absolutely happens, but I don't think in the same way that fat shaming happens.

I think the "love yourself" movement or whatever you want to call it is great- you should love yourself. But you should love yourself enough to take care of yourself too.

I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

golfingdarwinfish said:

lilmissfancy said:

I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I didn't lose my sense of agency or personal space just because I got married. He is not "due" sex just because he wants it or because I have not had major mouth/hand surgery, am not on pelvic rest, or because he's acting like a decent human being.

Thankfully I have a respectful husband who would never want me to engage in sexual activity with him if I wasn't in the mood or was not feeling well (but hadn't had major mouth/hand surgery or was on pelvic rest). He actually wants me to be mentally, emotionally, and physically present.

No way. You mean, we aren't just vessels with holes to be filled?!

TheOtherJacobsons · August 2014

wildflower75 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

This makes me sad but it also makes me confused.. you received sooo much support when you posted. Why not focus on those positives and all the love that was thrown your way?

Truth. Not sure if anything like that has ever happened to you before though. I read every comment on N14. It was pretty personal and pretty much the worst thing I could think of happening.

I am so thankful for the positive comments I got on my original thread. Without them, I think I would probably have just walked away from this crazy place!

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

pnwlover12 said:

golfingdarwinfish said:

lilmissfancy said:

I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I didn't lose my sense of agency or personal space just because I got married. He is not "due" sex just because he wants it or because I have not had major mouth/hand surgery, am not on pelvic rest, or because he's acting like a decent human being.

Thankfully I have a respectful husband who would never want me to engage in sexual activity with him if I wasn't in the mood or was not feeling well (but hadn't had major mouth/hand surgery or was on pelvic rest). He actually wants me to be mentally, emotionally, and physically present.

No way. You mean, we aren't just vessels with holes to be filled?!

Shit, I've got quite a few holes.... If I'm just a vessel with holes, does that mean they should all be filled at the same time? Am I sinking otherwise!!??!!??!

Syllessa · August 2014

This is me over the whole shower thing. It's been talked to death.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

@lilmissfancy‌ I am probably extra defensive about your UO because the best sex I can muster up right now is "didn't hurt so much we had to stop" sex. I am feeling guilty that I can't be intimate with my husband, and I want to be!! I rationally know I shouldn't feel guilty, but alack alas, I do.

Emotions, man, they are hard!!

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Nicb13 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

Sorry to drag it up again. I just asked because no one ever said anything to me directly about it. I never got to discuss it. When that shit went down I felt like a tiny little insect hiding under a blade of grass hoping no one would step on me. It was a pretty horrible feeling at the time. I felt like I could never post anything personal ever again. I still feel like I can't. Not here anyway.

No dude, don't be that way. Brush this shit off. For real.

I will. I am just being a drama queen. Need a little time is all.

Please don't stop sharing! If it makes you feel any better, when you shared the story about your husband I literally cried because I was so happy to learn that there are people like you on this earth. Don't stop sharing or begin to censor yourself.

Wino411 · August 2014

golfingdarwinfish said:

lilmissfancy said:

I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I didn't lose my sense of agency or personal space just because I got married. He is not "due" sex just because he wants it or because I have not had major mouth/hand surgery, am not on pelvic rest, or because he's acting like a decent human being.

Thankfully I have a respectful husband who would never want me to engage in sexual activity with him if I wasn't in the mood or was not feeling well (but hadn't had major mouth/hand surgery or was on pelvic rest). He actually wants me to be mentally, emotionally, and physically present.

All of this! ^^^^ I couldn't have said it better!

pnwlover12 · August 2014

Syllessa said:

This is me over the whole shower thing. It's been talked to death.

Oooh! Ooh! I've got an UO. I thought Frozen totally sucked. It was horrible and I wanted to shoot myself halfway through the movie. How grown adults w/o children watch this movie repeatedly is so beyond me.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

Kirby513 said:

I'm still quite confused about the whole board dynamic...is it we're too nice, or too mean? I can't keep up.

I'm confused by this quote...did you have something to add to it..? lol

duckr · August 2014

GretchenWeiners7 said:

Nicb13 said:

pushgal84 said:

Liss1481 said:

GretchenWeiners7 said:

SNIP
As someone who was 50-70 lbs overweight pre-pregnancy, I agree with this as well. It's nice to know that our society is working on being more accepting of all kinds of people, but that doesn't mean I should accept my overweight self as-is and not try to work on it. It's like telling your kid that C's are perfectly fine grades and they should be super proud of it and never try and harder to do better. Now if you're they're trying hard to get better grades, but not quite getting there, then at least they're trying... I think that's the important part of anything really, trying to make good choices, not rolling over and just accepting it the way it is.

This I can agree with. I have some very overweight family members that are too lazy (sorry, they are) to do anything about their weight so instead, they constantly shout on FB about how "big is beautiful" and "you aren't beautiful unless you are plus sized" because they just don't want to put in the work to get down to a "healthy" weight (whatever that might be for them). THAT shit annoys me.

Agreed with all the above. And someone else said something about being shamed for being too skinny- it absolutely happens, but I don't think in the same way that fat shaming happens.

I think the "love yourself" movement or whatever you want to call it is great- you should love yourself. But you should love yourself enough to take care of yourself too.

I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.

Agreed. I don't have good body image because a Dove commercial told me I should like the rolls in my stomach. l have good body image because I take the time to educate myself on how to take care of my body and then I do it (even when I don't feel like it). Of course this is easier said than done for some people.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

pnwlover12 said:

Syllessa said:

This is me over the whole shower thing. It's been talked to death.

Oooh! Ooh! I've got an UO. I thought Frozen totally sucked. It was horrible and I wanted to shoot myself halfway through the movie. How grown adults w/o children watch this movie repeatedly is so beyond me.

That would be me. Like 85 times I have watched it. That summer song with Olaf... How can you not find it funny???
I was disappointed the first time I watched it after all the hype. I do love it now!!

hgielrebmik · August 2014

MrsSarahRenee said:

Emerald27 said:

MrsSarahRenee said:

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love.

I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.
I think you misunderstood her! She didn't say you should still have sex if it hurts!! But that if you "don't feel like it," you should make an effort...like as in tired or diminished libido.
I guess the "sex is uncomfortable right now" is what struck a nerve. If it is uncomfortable, I am sorry but I am uncomfortable!! It isn't about me, but it shouldn't be all about him either. I dunno. I think women sometimes feel obligated to please men and maybe her UO just rubbed me the wrong way.
I like sex. Don't get me wrong.

I think it's important though to take time to be intimate and connect. If intercourse is uncomfortable, there are other ways. But a relationship is not all give or all take. Part of "giving," for me, is loving my DH in his langage (sex). Do I put out every time he wants to? No, but I take time to make sure he knows how much I do love him, and he gets plenty. I know I don't have to worry about him cheating, because he is completely fulfilled at home. He also chooses to love me in the ways I need to be loved - quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service. It's not some kind of I owe him sex attitude for us- it's the way he best recieves love and I know its just as important to hhim ad him taking time to have a conversation undistracted is to me.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

MrsSarahRenee said:

Syllessa said:

This is me over the whole shower thing. It's been talked to death.

Oooh! Ooh! I've got an UO. I thought Frozen totally sucked. It was horrible and I wanted to shoot myself halfway through the movie. How grown adults w/o children watch this movie repeatedly is so beyond me.
That would be me. Like 85 times I have watched it. That summer song with Olaf... How can you not find it funny??? I was disappointed the first time I watched it after all the hype. I do love it now!!

There were a few funny parts, don't get me wrong. But people act like this is the best. movie. ever. And no, it just isn't. And I don't mind animated movies at all! I thought Brave was 10,000x better.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

hgielrebmik said:

MrsSarahRenee said:

Emerald27 said:

MrsSarahRenee said:

lilmissfancy said:
I'm still trying to catch up. Here is my UO before I forget
I don't think it's ok to deny your DH or SO sex constantly just because you don't feel like it. They like attention and have needs also. I get tired too and sex isn't that comfortable right now. Unless you've had major mouth/hand surgery, on pelvic rest or DH is a legit douche there is no excuse to me.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love.

I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.
I think you misunderstood her! She didn't say you should still have sex if it hurts!! But that if you "don't feel like it," you should make an effort...like as in tired or diminished libido.
I guess the "sex is uncomfortable right now" is what struck a nerve. If it is uncomfortable, I am sorry but I am uncomfortable!! It isn't about me, but it shouldn't be all about him either. I dunno. I think women sometimes feel obligated to please men and maybe her UO just rubbed me the wrong way.
I like sex. Don't get me wrong.

I think it's important though to take time to be intimate and connect. If intercourse is uncomfortable, there are other ways. But a relationship is not all give or all take. Part of "giving," for me, is loving my DH in his langage (sex). Do I put out every time he wants to? No, but I take time to make sure he knows how much I do love him, and he gets plenty. I know I don't have to worry about him cheating, because he is completely fulfilled at home. He also chooses to love me in the ways I need to be loved - quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service. It's not some kind of I owe him sex attitude for us- it's the way he best recieves love and I know its just as important to hhim ad him taking time to have a conversation undistracted is to me.

Yeah still doesn't feel right to me. I know my DH doesn't cheat on me but I am sure he would like more sex...

I show him how much I love him. Why does it have to be sex? I make his lunch or buy him his favorite sushi for dinner.

If sex was DH's only love language, we would be screwed. (I love puns).

ADH0906 · August 2014

hgielrebmik said:

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. I think sex is cheapened if you do it out of obligation or duty. That breeds resentment not love. I think people can make an effort to get in the mood or be intimate in other ways if sex hurts. But in no way should I have sex with DH if afterwards I am throbbing in pain. Fuck that. And I think guilting ourselves for it is horrible and unhealthy.
I think you misunderstood her! She didn't say you should still have sex if it hurts!! But that if you "don't feel like it," you should make an effort...like as in tired or diminished libido.
I guess the "sex is uncomfortable right now" is what struck a nerve. If it is uncomfortable, I am sorry but I am uncomfortable!! It isn't about me, but it shouldn't be all about him either. I dunno. I think women sometimes feel obligated to please men and maybe her UO just rubbed me the wrong way. I like sex. Don't get me wrong.
I think it's important though to take time to be intimate and connect. If intercourse is uncomfortable, there are other ways. But a relationship is not all give or all take. Part of "giving," for me, is loving my DH in his langage (sex). Do I put out every time he wants to? No, but I take time to make sure he knows how much I do love him, and he gets plenty. I know I don't have to worry about him cheating, because he is completely fulfilled at home. He also chooses to love me in the ways I need to be loved - quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service. It's not some kind of I owe him sex attitude for us- it's the way he best recieves love and I know its just as important to hhim ad him taking time to have a conversation undistracted is to me.

I honestly don't think I'd be happy in a relationship where the bolded applied, so I suppose that's why the UO is hard for me to swallow. I don't want to have to have sex even when I'm uncomfortable just because it's my duty.

Liss1481 · August 2014

pushgal84 said:

My UO, and I'm sorry in advance to all who have fur-babies that fall into this category, but I have a severe dislike of orange cats. I've never met one I liked and when I see them I feel zero warm and fuzzies. I don't feel this way about any other color cat and can't explain it really. Flame away orange cat owners...

:-O (in my experience, they are either super nice or super evil, no middle ground though)

lilmissfancy · August 2014

YAY I finally found a new UO to discuss!

I do deny my husband sex but not for weeks or months at a time. I never thought sex could be this uncomfortable. I'm looking forward to pelvic rest after I give birth. I really wish I could go without sex but that wouldn't be fair to him. He works really hard so I give him back and feet massages too. But my UO isn't just about pregnant sex. Women deny their DH or SO when not pregnant and I don't get it.

TheOtherJacobsons · August 2014

dorothyzbornak97 said:

I don't want my husband to have sex with me when he's not interested/feeling up to it, and I certainly don't want him to expect me to do so. Thankfully, he doesn't. I think that agreement between us makes our relationship stronger, not sex for the sake of sex.

I hear that. We have a similar understanding. However, sometimes when I am just not into it and I do decide to go with it, that I am always happy that I did.

bumpuser10309732 · August 2014

Liss1481 said:

pushgal84 said:

My UO, and I'm sorry in advance to all who have fur-babies that fall into this category, but I have a severe dislike of orange cats. I've never met one I liked and when I see them I feel zero warm and fuzzies. I don't feel this way about any other color cat and can't explain it really. Flame away orange cat owners...
:-O (in my experience, they are either super nice or super evil, no middle ground though)

Hey! My cat MAY be an (orange) asshole but I still love him. He has his moments...

Also the furbaby thing, I really just can't think of another way to describe my dog. I treat her a little bit better than a dog, I admit that. She's just been my emotional crutch with my DH gone so much in the past. She became my sidekick.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

lilmissfancy said:
YAY I finally found a new UO to discuss!
I do deny my husband sex but not for weeks or months at a time. I never thought sex could be this uncomfortable. I'm looking forward to pelvic rest after I give birth. I really wish I could go without sex but that wouldn't be fair to him. He works really hard so I give him back and feet massages too. But my UO isn't just about pregnant sex. Women deny their DH or SO when not pregnant and I don't get it.

I say no when I am not pregnant.

"I look forward to pelvic rest" That statement is concerning to me. Like seriously. If you feel that obligated to have sex that you look forward to someone telling you that you can't... I don't even know what to suggest except that that isn't healthy.

And "DH works hard so he deserves sex."
I just have no words...

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

@lilmissfancy‌
I can't edit my last post but I wanted to stress how concerning your last UO was... Does your DH know how you feel?

SusieBW · August 2014

I like Frozen just fine. I don't think it's OMGthebestmovieever, and I also liked Brave better, but Frozen is better than most of the princess movies, for sure. I got awfully tired of it when DD was wanting to watch it a couple of times a week. But I get tired of pretty much everything DD wants to watch.

lilmissfancy · August 2014

MrsSarahRenee said:

@lilmissfancy‌ I can't edit my last post but I wanted to stress how concerning your last UO was... Does your DH know how you feel?

Yes, I've cried because sex hurts sometimes. Then he feels really bad for even trying. Then I cry again because I can't please him. He totally understands but that still doesn't stop me from initiating some type of intimacy.

duckr · August 2014

I just give a blowy when I don't wanna do it. DH has caught on to this diversion and he is more than okay with it.

TheOtherJacobsons · August 2014

carriedaway19 said:

Di_126 said:

hgielrebmik said:

SNIP
I think it's important though to take time to be intimate and connect. If intercourse is uncomfortable, there are other ways. But a relationship is not all give or all take. Part of "giving," for me, is loving my DH in his langage (sex). Do I put out every time he wants to? No, but I take time to make sure he knows how much I do love him, and he gets plenty. I know I don't have to worry about him cheating, because he is completely fulfilled at home. He also chooses to love me in the ways I need to be loved - quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service. It's not some kind of I owe him sex attitude for us- it's the way he best recieves love and I know its just as important to hhim ad him taking time to have a conversation undistracted is to me.

Oye. This hits a nerve as this was one of the exact reasons my BIL cheated on my sister. She was wrapped up in my nephew, and also pregnant again, after suffering a miscarriage. So, yes, sex was on the back burner and limited. This is exactly why she felt that it was her fault, when it completely was not. My skin is literally crawling here.

Yep. I cringed when I read that. My dad cheated on my mom when she was 6 months pregnant and she had suffered a miscarriage the prior year. I'm not saying sex isn't important to a relationship, but a pregnant wife shouldn't have to worry that if she doesn't put out then her husband is going to cheat.

Yes, pregnant or no.

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