Disconnect from Baby/pregnancy — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Disconnect from Baby/pregnancy

I feel horrible writing this. I feel completely and totally disconnected from this pregnancy and baby. I just went to the OB to have a heart rate check on baby because I've been anxious, and it was perfect at 148, and when she said, "it's okay, you can cry if you need to", I just felt nothing. I can't figure out if it's me trying to protect myself from another loss, but I thought by now after 2 great ultrasounds and 2 great Doppler checks I would be calming down and feeling more connected. I'm just not. I keep waiting for the worst, panic when anyone finds out/I need to tell them (I'm 13 weeks and DH is dying to start sharing the news..) Ugh, I feel like a horrible mom :(
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BFP #1 10/5/13 MMC 11/13/13 D&C 11/15/13
BFP #2 5/14/14 EDD 1/19/15 Beta 1: 728 Beta 2: 1858 We have a heartbeat! 166 @ 7w3d  Please be our RAINBOW!
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Re: Disconnect from Baby/pregnancy

  • I think it's totally normal, especially being pgal. Everyone connects at different times.

    For me, I started to really connect after seeing baby on screen at the anatomy scan (19 weeks) and even more so when I started feeling movement (21 weeks).

    It's ok. Hugs.

    _______________________________________________________________________
    First-time mom, 35+, parenting after a loss (mmc Oct. 2012 @ 8 wks), ttc for a year after loss

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    JessicaG220chicagojackie
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  • {{HUGS}} Don't feel like a horrible mom. I think it is normal to feel to way after a loss. I didn't start to feel truly excited until about 18 weeks. Try not to put to much pressure on yourself to connect this early. You still have a long time to get to that "glowy" feeling :-) 

     I have friends who never felt a "connection" during pregnancy but once that little baby arrived, it was love.  <3  All my best to you.

    2redtulips
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  • ((Hugs)) you are definitely not alone. We technically started sharing with ppl (parents included) at 14 weeks but I really couldn't bring myself to tell ppl until 17 weeks and even now there are ppl who don't know. I am hoping today after our A/S it will start to feel more real. Right now, PGAL brain is in check but I am just going through the motions and can't say I am super into it yet.

    PGAL really sucks sometimes
    I'm 31 and DH is 36

    Started dating in 2008 and married November 10, 2012

    TTC#1 Since Oct 2012

    MC#1 5/30/2013 ~ EDD 1/4/2014 natural @ 9 weeks

    MC#2 8/12/2013 ~ EDD 4/13/2014 natural @ 5 weeks 5 days

    BFP #3 EDD 12/9/2014

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  • KMW08KMW08 member
    ((Hugs)) don't feel bad. We shared the news with dh's family at 13.5wks and my family at 15wks. My mind was on extreme pgal overdrive after sharing. I'm 20w4d currently and am starting to connect more -- having the a/s & finding out the gender has been a huge help for me with connecting to this pregnancy. There are still days where I'm not connected and scared of buying stuff because I'm going to jinx it.

    I try to remember, this isn't my past pregnancies and there's nothing I can do that will jinx anything.

    BFP#4 3/17/14 - rainbow Baby BOY arrived 11/10/14 !!

    DX: Uterine Septum - Resection 9/5/13 || MTHFR Hetero A1298C || My Chart

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  • I don't think that you're a horrible mom. My opinion (and it's just that, an opinion) is that you're protecting yourself (whether you realize it or not) from the pain you fear you could face. I'm sure as time goes on and your baby grows you'll start to feel more connected. Don't fault yourself for the way you're feeling. Every one goes through this journey a little differently, and no one is going to fault you for being cautious. 
  • BIIIIIG HUUUUUUGS from me !! I felt this way until around 24 weeks preg!!! When i could feel little one kick and was past a few milestones. I actually think its since 29 / 30 weeks that i just about started relaxing ! PgAl brain is really rough sometimes. Even now- I sometimes think... What if x y and z happens? And i go in a funny mood. I will not relax until my baby is in my arms!! Don't be too hard on yourself ..and you are in no way a bad mum! its all natural 
  • Lots and lots of ((((hugs)))). Give yourself a LOOOOOOT of grace. Experiencing a loss is a terrible, traumatizing thing. And we all react differently to being PgAL, but I think most, if not all, of us can sympathize with feeling a certain level of disconnect out of a need to protect our hearts. I have discussed this a lot with my therapist and what works really well for me is to separate the feelings I'm experiencing from a judgement about myself as a person. As highly complex beings, humans are capable of feeling simultaneous, yet conflicting, emotions and that can be difficult to manage when they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum - happiness, sadness, joy, grief, etc. I'd encourage you to try focusing on everything you are doing right for this pregnancy and baby and celebrate those moments where you feel like PgAL brain is giving you a break and you're able to just bask in the moment, even if it's for a short while.
    Began trying for a baby January 2012
    BFP 4.25.2013  EDD 1.3.2014  MMC 6.3.2013  D&C 6.19.2013
    BFP 11.3.2013  CP 11.6.2013
    BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014 
    JessicaG220[Deleted User]2redtulips
  • (((BIG HUGS))) please know you are not alone in feeling disconnected and you most definitely are NOT a horrible mom. I think time helps you feel more connected and for me finding out the baby's sex and giving him a name was a huge step.
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  • I think it's totally normal. I've been experiencing the same thing. I've not let myself get attached for fear I would just lose it. We had a 15 week appointment yesterday, which went well, and that was the first time I ever even thought about telling anyone but our family. Until yesterday, I hadn't allowed myself to think of names, nursery colors, anything baby related at all. You're not alone. I do feel though like I've reached a point where I'm getting more comfortable. I pray your time will come.
  • You are definitely not alone. I have had a really hard time this time around also because even though every appointment I have had has gone great I still feel like someone is just going to pull the rug out from under me. We are starting to tell people and I am of course happy but the thought of actually having a baby at the end of this seems so surreal. I still feel like we have no idea if this is actually going to happen or not. So many people I know started buying clothes and what not right away and buying anything for the baby is the farthest thing from my mind. Sending Big ((Hugs)) your way.
    Me- 27 w/PCOS     DH - 28
    TTC since December 2012 
    BFP 6/29/2013 - EDD 3/16/14 - MMC 9/5/2013
    Diagnosed with PCOS and taking metformin 750 mg  twice a day
    April 2014 -  - 1st ICI Cycle - BFP 5/15/14 EDD: 1/20/15
    A/S 8-22-14 - Its a BOY!!
    12/15 Checkup & heard his beautiful heartbeat
    ALL WELCOME -
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  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
    I agree with PP that it can be a normal defense mechanism. You are protecting yourself. PgAL is really tough! For the past couple of weeks, things are starting to seem more real, and I'm finding myself start to get excited and think of it as MY baby, MY son, not just "the pregnancy." I felt like I was going through the motions for a while there.

    It will come. Just take it one day at a time and don't beat yourself up. ((HUGS))

    ~ES~

    ~*~EVERYONE always welcome!!~*~
    TTC #1 since October 2012
    BFP #1 11/22/12 EDD 7/29/13 MMC 1/14/13, D&C 1/16/13
    BFP #2 5/7/13 EDD 1/14/2014 Ectopic discovered 5/21/13, lost left tube
    Referred to RE, blood work done August 2013, AMH 0.27, all else normal, HSG clear
    BFP #3 12/1/13 EDD 8/8/14, MC 12/24/13
    January 2014: RE #2, blood work repeated, homozygous MTHFR c677t, SHG clear
    BFP #4 4/7/14 EDD 12/15/14 Our rainbow was born 12/6/14 at 4:26pm! <3 


  • I am so glad you posted this OP. I was feeling pretty shitty about not connecting to my pregnancy either. I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong, not having the excited glow. It's just that I have so much to worry about that I don't really have room for joy. I am really hoping I get the glowy pregnancy experience, but for now it's not happening. :(
    BabyFetus Ticker
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  • I have to agree that I think this is completely normal. I feel like I should be way more excited than I am, and my bf hasn't shown too much interest this time around either but I think we're both just nervous and scared. *hugs*  You'll connect when you're ready and you have no reason to feel bad.
    Stephanie Lynn 
    *BFP3:7/10/14 EDD: 3/19/15--Renley Alexander born 3/12/15!!*
    11/17/14-adopted a furbaby named Luna (born 9/05/14)
    BFP2: 11/25/11-Aaron Alexander born sleeping at 31 weeks on 05/31/12
    BFP1: 07/28/11-EDD:3/19/12, natural MC 09/12/11 at 12 wks-HB and growth stopped at 6wks
    S&A together since 05/14/11

  • `The fact that you are so worried shows you’re not disconnected. You’re just scared, and its total normal to feel that way. Hopefully once you can feel the baby move it will help you fears.

  • I am with you, too. I dont think I am horrible, I just think its coming after..... the milestones and once I can feel movement. I try not to think too much and then I cant worry too much. I will be 13 weeks Tuesday :-) I am sure I will love these babies, and I do, even though I am "protecting myself" for now. ((((Hugs)))) We're gonna be fine :D
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  • I don't have much to add, just that I feel the same way. My first pregnancy I was so excited right from the minute I found out until my second dr. appt where they couldn't find a heartbeat at 11 weeks after seeing one at 7. I started bleeding a day later and was devastated. I am now on my fourth pregnancy with three losses in a row, and am expecting to have the rug pulled out for me at any moment. It is hard to let yourself get excited when you are well aware of what could happen and how much it will hurt. Big hugs, and know you are not alone in how you feel. I hope it gets easier for you as time goes by.
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • jap618jap618 member
    I could have written this exactly.  I have felt absolutely nothing.  I smiled briefly when I saw the heartbeat but then turned stone cold.  I haven't let myself get excited and feel emotionless.  I do believe the emotions or lack their of are completely normal.  I do plan on calling my therapist tomorrow and scheduling with her to help work through some of this though as it's getting to be more than I can handle. 

    You are not a horrible mom.  You are not a horrible person.  You are normal and your emotions are normal. Take it one day at a time.  So many ((((hugs)))) Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot to get to where you are <3
    Married the love of my life June 18, 2011 -- Me (28) DH (29)
    TTC #1 since June 2012
    BFP #1 6.29.12 EDD 3.12.13 MMC discovered 8.11.12 9w5d D&C 8.15.12
    BFP #2 11.2.12 EDD 7.14.13 MMC 6w5d discovered 8w6d 2 failed rounds miso D&C 12.27.12
    BFP #3 8.5.13 EDD 4.18.14 MMC 7w4d discovered 9.25.13 at 10w6d -Trisomy 13- 1 round miso & emergency D&C 10.2.13
    RPL Testing. DX Asherman's November 2013. Low AMH (0.44) January 2014. 
    Operative Hysteroscopy January 2014 to remove scar tissue.
    BFP#4 6.18.14 EDD 3.3.15 Team Pink
    --AL always welcome--
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    mjcharpe
  • Any kind of strong emotion is a connection to your baby! You are a great mom. We are here for you. One day at a time :)
    BFP #1: It's a GIRL! DD born October, 2012
    BFP #2: m/c at 7w, February, 2014
    BFP #3: It's a BOY! Please be our rainbow! Due February, 2015
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  • aragosta said:
    I think it's totally normal to feel disconnected... You are doing what you need to to get through a stressful time. You are not a bad mom!
    THIS.  I definitely empathize with you.  Hugs and prayers! :)
    MrS. tHeRiOt
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