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TTC After a Loss
pblge
member
Intro: About to reach the EDD without getting pregnant...again
pblge
member
Hi Ladies,
I'm sorry for everyone's experiences that have led them here. My story is in my siggie. I haven't posted here before because I tend to limit myself to the infertility board for obvious reasons. However, I think only ladies here will understand what I'm feeling right now and I just need to vent a little.
My first pregnancy was in August 2012 (third month trying--this is going to be easy!) and it was ectopic. It's a long story, but it wasn't caught quickly (idiot pregnant whore of a doctor didn't believe me about when I'd conceived because of my low beta, instead of understanding that the low beta was a sign of trouble) and ruined my only good tube and apparently any chance I had of natural conception. I reached that Would Have Been Due Date without another pregnancy, and that totally sucked donkey balls.
The second pregnancy came in November 2013 after my first round of IVF. I never believed in it--just some weird hunch, based on being burned before and the near total lack of pregnancy symptoms, but I started to after we saw the heartbeat. Next ultrasound, just before Christmas, it was gone. I call this my Merry F@cking Christmas Miscarriage. This one is totally unexplained, as tests came back with normal karyotype and the RPL panel was all normal.
IVF #2 in February was cancelled.
IVF #3 this month is a BFN. That was my last chance to be pregnant before the second pregnancy's would-have-been-due date, which means I'm reaching that anniversary barren AGAIN.
We've been slowly building a nursery in our house from the rafters up, and at this point I'm afraid that we're going to finish it and still not even be pregnant yet. I'm waiting on the official BFN call from the nurse, and I'm hoping to move straight into a FET cycle.
I tend to have a hard time on TTCAL forums because most ladies with a loss are so much more fertile than I am, but I'm going to try to not violate Sherlock's rules and stay here to give support back.
I'm sorry for everyone's experiences that have led them here. My story is in my siggie. I haven't posted here before because I tend to limit myself to the infertility board for obvious reasons. However, I think only ladies here will understand what I'm feeling right now and I just need to vent a little.
My first pregnancy was in August 2012 (third month trying--this is going to be easy!) and it was ectopic. It's a long story, but it wasn't caught quickly (idiot pregnant whore of a doctor didn't believe me about when I'd conceived because of my low beta, instead of understanding that the low beta was a sign of trouble) and ruined my only good tube and apparently any chance I had of natural conception. I reached that Would Have Been Due Date without another pregnancy, and that totally sucked donkey balls.
The second pregnancy came in November 2013 after my first round of IVF. I never believed in it--just some weird hunch, based on being burned before and the near total lack of pregnancy symptoms, but I started to after we saw the heartbeat. Next ultrasound, just before Christmas, it was gone. I call this my Merry F@cking Christmas Miscarriage. This one is totally unexplained, as tests came back with normal karyotype and the RPL panel was all normal.
IVF #2 in February was cancelled.
IVF #3 this month is a BFN. That was my last chance to be pregnant before the second pregnancy's would-have-been-due date, which means I'm reaching that anniversary barren AGAIN.
We've been slowly building a nursery in our house from the rafters up, and at this point I'm afraid that we're going to finish it and still not even be pregnant yet. I'm waiting on the official BFN call from the nurse, and I'm hoping to move straight into a FET cycle.
I tend to have a hard time on TTCAL forums because most ladies with a loss are so much more fertile than I am, but I'm going to try to not violate Sherlock's rules and stay here to give support back.
**********************siggy/ticker warning**********************
***Losses mentioned.*** TTC #1 since May 2012. Me: 37, OH: 41. Ectopic August 2012 => tubal damage.
Stage 1 endo removed June 2013. IVF #1 Oct/Nov 2013: Long Lupron with Gonal-F. 7R, 7M, 7F. 2 txfer@3d. Nothing frozen. => M/C @ 8 wks. Selected RPL panel all normal. Very hyper and brittle response to stims. IVF #2 (antagonist protocol) Feb 2014 => Converted to IUI (Perfect conditions). BFN. IVF #2.1 w/ new RE June 2014: Antagonist protocol. 33R, 31M, 30F, 19 blasts to test!!! I made it through without crashing!! 
Hats off to Dr. Fancypants!! ET of one 5AB blast. BFN. 13 10 CCS'ed snowflakes! FET #1 PUPO as of 7/29 Betas: 8/7@24, 8/9@97, 8/11@334 (etc.) Two sacs on 8/15, one seen on 8/18 after a bleed. U/s 8/25 (6+3) "perfect": 5.9 mm + HB@120bpm! U/s 9/4 (7+6): 15.9 mm + HB@172 bpm! Please, PLEASE stick this time!!!!
***Losses mentioned.*** TTC #1 since May 2012. Me: 37, OH: 41. Ectopic August 2012 => tubal damage.
Stage 1 endo removed June 2013. IVF #1 Oct/Nov 2013: Long Lupron with Gonal-F. 7R, 7M, 7F. 2 txfer@3d. Nothing frozen. => M/C @ 8 wks. Selected RPL panel all normal. Very hyper and brittle response to stims. IVF #2 (antagonist protocol) Feb 2014 => Converted to IUI (Perfect conditions). BFN. IVF #2.1 w/ new RE June 2014: Antagonist protocol. 33R, 31M, 30F, 19 blasts to test!!! I made it through without crashing!! Hats off to Dr. Fancypants!! ET of one 5AB blast. BFN. 13 10 CCS'ed snowflakes! FET #1 PUPO as of 7/29 Betas: 8/7@24, 8/9@97, 8/11@334 (etc.) Two sacs on 8/15, one seen on 8/18 after a bleed. U/s 8/25 (6+3) "perfect": 5.9 mm + HB@120bpm! U/s 9/4 (7+6): 15.9 mm + HB@172 bpm! Please, PLEASE stick this time!!!! This discussion has been closed.
Re: Intro: About to reach the EDD without getting pregnant...again
@Denise91980 - Sorry for your experiences. Cancelled IVFs are so devastating.
***Losses mentioned.*** TTC #1 since May 2012. Me: 37, OH: 41. Ectopic August 2012 => tubal damage.
I have to say that the comment about the rest of us being "fertiles" is really hard to swallow. This community is made up of women with tons of different experiences. Some battle infertility, others have structural issues and others deal with serious life threatening pregnancy complications that leave them with no living children. Please keep in mind that the common denominator here is that none of us have rainbows.
***Losses mentioned.*** TTC #1 since May 2012. Me: 37, OH: 41. Ectopic August 2012 => tubal damage.
No one asked you to leave or "bow out", we just ask that you be more thoughtful with your terms for others.
TTC #3 since June 2013
BFP #1 7/21/2013--EDD 3/30/14--D&C 9/24/13
BFP #2 1/28/14--MC 2/7/14
IUI #1 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #2 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #3 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
The entire thing rubbed me the wrong way.
@pbl, please don't bow out! I appreciate your sharing and am so so sorry for your losses. I've been TTC for a long while and am new to TTC after a loss having just lost my first pregnancy last week. I'm hoping that just being in this space with others who understand the pain of this experience will be helpful. And I suspect everyone here gets it, even if comments sometimes seem harsh. We all have our triggers, I guess. Anyway, I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to be hitting a second anniversary like you are, and it's bringing tears to my eyes. Wherever it comes from, I hope you find the support you are looking for. Hugs to you.
Hm...I was trying to respond to comments much further up the list. I guess it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts, so the conversation had moved along by the time I posted. I wasn't referring to anyone specifically. Sorry if it seemed like a personal attack.
As for your language, I'm not the word police and don't really flinch when people use the word "whore" around here. I've seen it used many times to express anger and don't necessarily find it unfeminist. But maybe that's just me.
My Ovulation Chart
I think you can see from the responses that we are a very protective group and that we have a lot of ladies who dealing with IF issues. We also have many ladies who deal with ectopics. Your experience with both would be very beneficial if you do decide to hang around and give support.
I also think I understand where you are coming from on the comment about your OB and them missing that your low betas were an issue. What happened to you, and led to you being infertile, would be hard enough no matter who the doctor was but to have happen from someone that has a round belly? It's a bitter pill to swallow. There are many of us who question whether we would be here if our doctor had correctly caught what was going on earlier. I can to you this - nothing good comes from it. You cannot change the past, all you can do is learn from it. Finally, doctors are human. What she was seeing with your betas probably was well supported in her practice. Many, many women are truly clueless about when they ovulated.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
Thank you to those of you who posted supportive comments—it was appreciated. This is the last time I will be posting on this forum. I’m sorry that people were offended by my comment that IF + RPL is hard, but it just **is** and until you’ve experienced multiple IVFs you simply just don’t understand, the same way that women who have never experienced a miscarriage just don’t understand. I hope you never get excoriated like this on the day that you found out IVF #3 failed, because frankly it was just fucking awful. \
As for my comments about the doctor, it was meant to be hyperbolic and **funny**. I don’t know how you’d feel when a doctor just shook her head and stared at you at you when you said you’d used OPKs and temped, so you were CERTAIN about your conception date, but she insisted that this was a simple early loss, and that you couldn’t possibly be six weeks along. Or that she IGNORED your phone calls about continued bleeding and +HPTs for six weeks after because….why????? I still don’t know, and I’m still appalled. Incompetence? Laziness? Her own pregnancy hormones? Inexcusable, and I feel totally comfortable using intentionally absurd and harsh language about her anonymously for that lapse, even if she is a “health care professional”. I even considered a law suit, but I decided I didn’t want to put myself through that.
Anyway, no matter how supportive this board is I’m simply not going to wade through abuse to find it. I gather I didn’t 100% obey the norms here, but it was a good faith effort and even my apology post got lambasted. Good luck to everyone. I hope that some of you can show more compassion to the next woman who posts here on an awful day. I won’t be reading your responses to this, so post whatever comments you want.
***Losses mentioned.*** TTC #1 since May 2012. Me: 37, OH: 41. Ectopic August 2012 => tubal damage.
No one was offended by the fact that you made that comment. What rubbed people the wrong way, I think, is that you made the assumption right off the bat that no one here has any idea what you've been through or how you're feeling. What you clearly don't understand is that MANY of the women on this board have been TTC for over a year. Many women here are working with REs to figure out why they're having losses and/or why they can't get pregnant. There are several women on this board who are also on 3T/IF. There's an IF check-in here that several ladies take part in. You came in and assumed that no one here could possibly understand what you're going through, and you're wrong, but if you don't want to stick around, that's your choice.
ETA: I honestly can't believe that someone who's been around TB for 2 years thinks anything said in this thread was abusive.
TTC since July 2012
BFP 5/22/13. Lap. to remove ectopic and dx with endo. 6/16/13
RE consult: June 2014
DX: FVL, endo, hypothyroidism, blocked left tube
Oct. 2014: First treatment cycle: Clomid+trigger+IUI=BFN
November 2014: Clomid+trigger+IUI again=BFP!
BFP 11/28/14 MC discovered 1/14/15
Blogging to stay sane
If you think this thread was abusive, then you're right. This board is probably not for you. I wish you peace in your journey.
This omg you don't understand my pain is pretty disgusting. Also, not showing any empathy to the multiple loss moms here (and by multiple I mean 2, 4, 6, 8 and even 10 losses) is just gross coming from a women who is dealing with IF.
How's this: until you go through an IVF, have the doctor tell you to get a dog because it is never going to happen, have your then-husband tell you he hates you because you are broken, spend 8 years coming to terms with being child free not by choice knowing that IVF is not even an option for you and then somehow, have a miracle pregnancy that ends with you delivering a perfectly healthy baby at 20 weeks where you are told that they will do nothing for him because he is too small to NICU (hold him until he dies because that is all that can be done), and then experience two more losses within six months, only to be told that your only chance to get pregnant is prayer because, hey, Sarah got pregnant at 80, and, you are still not a candidate for IVF - then we will talk about understanding.
Your failed IVFs and loss tube are nothing to me. Sorry, you still have options. Be thankful for that. All I have is praying for a miracle and, if that happens, hoping that it's not ripped away again.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
My Ovulation Chart
((((Hugs)))) my dear. What OP fails to see is that every single one of us has pain that nobody else can even begin to understand because it is our pain. Every single loss is terrible and it does not matter if it's your first, how far you were, or if it was natural or IVF. It is a loss of your child and the dreams of the life that should have been.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
Dx: Me: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss; DH: Low Morphology (2%)
BFP#1: MC 3/1/11 at 6w1d - EDD 10/21/11
BFP#3: MC 2/8/14 at 4w5d - EDD 10/13/14
BFP#6: CP 11/6/14 at 4w2d - EDD 7/14/15
IVF #1 with ICSI & PGS: May/June 2015, ER 6/3/15, 17R/17M/15F
IVF #2 with ICSI & PGS: July 2015, ER 7/16/15, 16R/11M/9F
PGS results = 6 normal embryos (4 boys, 2 girls)
FET 9/23/15 = BFFN
you can see this info?
OH!
I didn't realize that's what it meant.
Yes, @peledreamsofrain and @snegde both pegged my last reply correctly - it was as much the pain Olympics as OP's comment but coming from a different place. Normally, I will hold of on hitting post reply when I type anything close to that, because I don't like to use my story as an example of why someone should not behave like OP did.
@mlal78 put it beautifully, we all have a story and it is painful to each and every one of us.
We have multiple ladies on this board who deal with IF on top of TTCAL. Some are and have gone through IVF. Some have experienced more losses, some have experienced BFN cycles. Some are continuing with IVF and some are done. Is there pain worse than OP's? Each others? Anyone else's?
Are the ladies who have had 10 cycles of IVF with a mix of BFNs and losses in more pain than the OP? OP certainly cannot understand what they are going through since she set a specific number that makes her pain so "unfathomable" to everyone else.
What about the ladies who are IVF candidates but don't have the money or have a partner that is unwilling to do anything fertility medication wise? Is that worse? To know you have a chance but that you have to sit by while it slips away?
What about the ladies who because of medical reasons are not allowed to TTC? Who can't do IVF? Is that worse?
What about those who suffer loss after loss?
What about those who had a loss and no answer?
What about the person who has had one loss and finds themselves here?
I think we have all read intros and though, "oh, that is horrible! That would be more than I could handle." Do they win? Is their pain worse?
No, and no, and no. There is no winner in the pain Olympics. This board recognizes that and does not tolerate it. We also hold everyone close and give our support to all and we do not minimize anyone's pain.
OP deciding not to be here is not a loss to our community. It is a loss to her.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise