The comfy couch

lisaren · May 2014

@mackenziesmama‌ I was reading more about this online and wow. Scary stuff. I've never heard of this before. Please update us after your surgery. I'm sorry this is happening. It's not fair.
Love you.

@Aaren91011‌ I think those feelings are normal. And I think it's completely healthy to feel like relieved. Having a baby is not glamorous. There is so much freakin worry. I kinda liked the days of not knowing so much. But I understand how you feel.
Are you still on the met?

hullabalou · May 2014

I am so sorry you are dealing with this @mackenziesmama‌...prayers for you.

mussalynn · May 2014

I hope it's okay if I post here - I haven't had any losses myself (feel free to tell me to GTFO), but I have a lot of friends and family members who have experienced miscarriages, stillbirths and infant loss. I know I still have no idea, never having experienced it for myself, but my experience from the support end has also been difficult insofar as my heart absolutely breaking for them but not knowing what to do/say etc.

Close friends of ours whose baby was stillborn at 20 weeks became very involved in the movement to speak out and break the silence about miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss, and as a result became involved in a movie that just came out on Lifetime, called Return to Zero, which follows the story of a couple who have a stillbirth very late in the pregnancy, and how they deal with it. I highly recommend it to anyone whether you've had a loss or not (although if you had a very recent loss, maybe wait a little while as it is very intense and could be too difficult to watch). For me, it really opened my eyes as to what our friends went through, and I really thought beforehand that I had some inkling of an idea. It is a very powerful movie. Sorry this sounds like I'm a promoter or something, it just affected me very deeply and it is something I will never forget.

Anyway, the point of all my rambling is this... I'm 100% with you @SarahMaureenF. It is such a crime that women feel like they can't talk about loss, when there is so much support out there.

Everyone who has posted on here, I'm so sorry for all of your losses. You are all such strong, powerful women and I have so much respect for you all sharing your stories.

tlc35 · May 2014

@mackenziesmamma thinking of you today and hope everything went ok with the D&C.

lizgrace03 · May 2014

@mackenziesmama‌ Hugs to you!

sunflwra · May 2014

I hope you guys don't mind me posting this here but I'm just not interested in the potential "don't be sad about what you're having as long as it's a healthy baby" flaming because that's truly not what this is but I need to vent/purge.

We got our Panorama results today and everything great which I am so relieved about. I've had some serious anxiety about these test results even though our loss wasn't due to genetics. I was just waiting for something to be wrong. We also found out that we are having a girl. I'm really excited for Brynn to have a sister- it's a relationship that I always wanted when I was growing up with my brother. But there's a small part of me that is crushed that it's not a boy. It's not that I had to have one of each or something, I think it's just that we knew our last little one was a boy so we started making a lot of plans about the nursery, etc and now it feels that when we lost him, we lost that chance to have a boy.

As I said, it's not that I'm not thankful for things being healthy so far in this pregnancy, but there's just a bit of sadness there since there's another piece to what we missed out on when we lost him. Sorry, not sure if this is making any sense at all, just had to put it out there

icaughtfire · May 2014

Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers guys!

I had the D&C this morning. Unfortunately I bled so badly afterwards they had to put me under anesthesia again so they could go back in & attempt to stop the bleeding. It's under control now, but they're keeping me overnight to monitor it just in case. I'm still groggy from all the drugs & anesthesia so I've been in & out of sleep all day. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that this takes care of everything, and we can start to move on. I love having so many ladies I can cry & vent to -- each of you ladies has been a bigger support to me than you probably know!

Kristy774 · May 2014

sunflwra said:
I hope you guys don't mind me posting this here but I'm just not interested in the potential "don't be sad about what you're having as long as it's a healthy baby" flaming because that's truly not what this is but I need to vent/purge.
We got our Panorama results today and everything great which I am so relieved about. I've had some serious anxiety about these test results even though our loss wasn't due to genetics. I was just waiting for something to be wrong. We also found out that we are having a girl. I'm really excited for Brynn to have a sister- it's a relationship that I always wanted when I was growing up with my brother. But there's a small part of me that is crushed that it's not a boy. It's not that I had to have one of each or something, I think it's just that we knew our last little one was a boy so we started making a lot of plans about the nursery, etc and now it feels that when we lost him, we lost that chance to have a boy.
As I said, it's not that I'm not thankful for things being healthy so far in this pregnancy, but there's just a bit of sadness there since there's another piece to what we missed out on when we lost him. Sorry, not sure if this is making any sense at all, just had to put it out there

I completely understand this....I had a MC at 10 weeks in October but I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. We just found out we are having another boy. This will be boy number 3 for us. I can't help but think I wonder if that was my girl. We aren't having anymore so sometimes I think to myself I wonder if that was my last chance to have a girl. I didn't even know but you know you were having a boy and now to know your having a girl.....I completely understand. Completely. (((Hugs)))

jess123456 · May 2014

@sunflwra Hugs to you. I understand what you mean. It makes total sense. We lost our baby girl and while we are over the moon thrilled that we are having a boy this time and that things seem to be going well so far it's bittersweet because I feel like I missed out on mother daughter things with my daughter. I guess the truth is that it isn't the sex of the baby but the fact that I won't get my daughter back here on Earth and that is hard to deal with. I also guess baby girls will always remind me of my daughter and that's hard. Please know that you aren't alone.

jess123456 · May 2014

Huge hugs to you @mackenziesmama‌ ! Thinking of you.

lisaren · May 2014

I understand @sunflwra‌
If and when we have another baby I don't know how I would feel with the baby being a boy. Would if feel like I was replacing Brody? If it was a girl would it feel like I was forgetting Brody.
Hugs to you. I totally get it.

@mackenziesmama‌ thank you for updating us. Love you friend! We're here for you.

sunflwra · May 2014

Thanks ladies. I knew you would get it It was a good appointment- the nurse actually told me when I walked in to take my blood pressure that it was great timing for coming in since my test results had come in that morning and that they were perfect- I literally started crying. Then when my doctor said it again, I started crying again. She's been so great with me, she was asking how I was doing with things and if there was anything she could be doing to help me through this.

She's now seeing me every two weeks- partially, I think because of the prolapsed ute and partially because we're approaching my loss time from the last pregnancy, so I'm glad to be in such good hands. She was part of a larger practice with my first pregnancy and is now on her own and it's so amazing. It's always the same front desk person and nurse and they all know my situation so they are all rooting for me. She even made sure to tell me that she will personally be doing my growth scans. It's a huge support that I wasn't necessarily expecting but I'm so thankful for.

lisaren · May 2014

I really think you did the best thing.. @aragosta‌ create a whole new memory. When we got pregnant with EC I couldn't use the same Dr, same pedi or same clothes as Kali's. It felt tainted. Every memory was not good. It saved my sanity.
Hugs to you.

shindylahoe · May 2014

lisaren said:
I know totally different but with Emma Claire my youngest I feel guilty going things with her because kali my daughter with special needs is home with nurse. When we took EC to Disney I cried the whole time because kali wasn't there. We tried once and it was horrid and my husband actually drove her home to nc from fl. That day.

But guilt is what drives me at times.

A lot of people will say, you have omg, 4 kids!!! But what they don't get is the boys are teenagers, they have their own car, they do their own thing, kali is with nurses and is not able to leave the home, so it's literally like having one child at times. And for this I feel guilty.
The guilt sucks ass.

Our family ( mom and sister) have adopted quite a few special needs children. One of them is wheel chair bound, completely unable to speak or care for himself in anyway. (Although he is the biggest sweet heart and gives the best smiles!)

Unfortunately he does not do well in large crowds or heat. He ends us staying at home when ever the family goes places like Disney or the water slides. It's what's best for HIM.

I'm sure it's the same for Kali, you are doing what's best for her! Don't feel guilty, you're a good mama.

MrsAdventure · May 2014

@mackenziesmama, I am so sorry for all you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prays.

@lisaren, this is a really, really lovely idea.

To answer your question, I didn't get my period back after my d&e until shortly after 6 weeks. And even then it wasn't normal.

For me, I'm coming up on my final loss milestone and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I was 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant with Zoë when I had my d&e. It was my first pregnancy, after trying for four years. DH had just lost his job a couple of weeks before we got the trisomy diagnosis, and we lost our house because our housing was provided as part of his pay. No job for DH = no more house. The day after we moved in with my grandmother to help care for her, I had my d&e. I could only take a two days off work because we couldn't afford more.

The closer I get to 19 weeks, the more I think about that final night/morning. We had her heart stopped on the evening of Nov. 5th. And I went in for the d&e early the next morning. I didn't have mine at a hospital, like some of you ladies, but at a clinic known for doing abortions. The reason being because they are the only place in town that worked with a place that did cremation. I remember walking in there with my husband thinking what the hell am I doing in an abortion clinic. Not that I disagree with them, it was just the last place I thought I'd ever end up. I wasn't a party kid, or one that slept around. Not that that's all those clinics do, but it's what they are known for. It just didn't mesh with my self image and I struggled with it for a while after too. At any rate, they gave me meds to relax me. Except I had a really inappropriate and mortifying reaction. I was laying there in this room full of other women, each divided by a curtain and on the radio was Luke Bryant's That's My Kinda Night. He tends to do a lot of hip action when he sings, and he's easy on the eyes. I was laying there thinking about him, trying to distract myself from the panic I was starting to feel when the meds hit me big time. I started to giggle. And with in seconds I was in full on hysterical laughter. DH actually had to hold me down so I didn't roll out of bed. And even though I knew I sounded like a crazy lunatic, I could not make myself stop. Once they wheeled me into the operating room, they could barely get the gas mask on me because I was still so overcome with the giggles. I was literally laying on the table, getting ready to have this heart wrenching surgery done, all of the nurses looking at me with a mix of shock and disgust, and couldn't stop myself from laughing. It makes me sick, and angry to think about it. Humiliated and ashamed do not even begin to cover how I felt when I left that place. All I wanted to do was cry, but I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't even do that. On top of everything else I was feeling, I felt robbed of the right to be able to cry and mourn her loss when I wanted to most.

I had a lot of guilt about being pregnant so soon after Zoë too. And even more guilt because I was not excited like I should have been in the beginning for this little one. DH was thrilled and wanted to tell anyone and everyone. I, who have a blabber mouth, wanted no one to know. Thankfully, DH's attitude is infectious and he's always amazing at dragging me into a good mood. There is no one else I would have rather gone through any of it than with him.

@aaren91011, I think feeling relief is normal. We got our trisomy diagnosis around 13 weeks, but I did not have the d&e until19 weeks. The doctors were convinced I would miscarry before then because her condition was so incompatible with life, they made me feel like I was pregnant with a ticking time bomb. So when we finally let her go, a part of me felt relieved. I think it's natural to feel emotions all over the spectrum.

lincoln79 · May 2014

I truly feel like women who have experienced loss(es) can suffer from something akin to PTSD. I know that every scan we have had at the RE ends up making me re-live (not just remember) all of the grief, devastation, and heartbreak.

Learning what has been a trigger for me makes life more manageable because I can avoid it.

I wish this were talked about more.

renbee · May 2014

Thank you so much ladies for making me feel like I'm not weird for feeling this way. It's so nice to be able to talk about these emotions with other who have lived it. You truly cannot understand the complexity and depth of this until you go through it.

I'm really excited, because the memorial necklace I ordered from Etsy came this week. I love it soooo much and have worn it every day. It makes me feel so close to my little one, like he/she is here with me. I chose a bird and the november birthstone - I didn't want to do anything too literal like an angel or something, because then only I know the true meaning. My little secret

Then today I heard this new Coldplay song that just perfectly described how I see LO - my little birdie:

"And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
'Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on

So fly on
Ride through
Maybe one day I'll fly next to you"

Here's some pictures of my necklace:

lisaren · May 2014

I love it!!

And just because, this means were destined to be together, Coldplay is my most favorite group ever. Ever ever.

lisaren · May 2014

The song that brings me back to Brody is "ride" by Lana del Ray.

icaughtfire · May 2014

I love it, @Aaren91011‌!!

MollMoll4 · May 2014

@Aaren91011‌ I love the necklace! I got a "pick a pearl" necklace right before I found out I was pregnant with a June (pearl birthstone) baby. I wear that necklace every day! I often find myself playing with it or holding it when I think of that baby.

lisaren · May 2014

How are you @mackenziesmama‌ ??? Are you home?

I hope the gif love thread made you smile, as I'm this has been a roller coaster of emotions.
How is husband? Hugs to you.

icaughtfire · May 2014

I'm home!! I feel like I've been run over by a bus, but at least I get to sleep in my own bed!

The gif thread definitely put a smile on my face! I appreciate all of the love!!

H is pretty quiet about his feelings with everything, mostly just takes care of me & lets me cry on his shoulder whenever I need to. He seems pretty focused on trying to get me to stay positive about what the next few weeks & months will bring. It's a roller coaster for sure.

mockingjay1 · May 2014

mackenziesmama said:

I'm home!! I feel like I've been run over by a bus, but at least I get to sleep in my own bed! The gif thread definitely put a smile on my face! I appreciate all of the love!! H is pretty quiet about his feelings with everything, mostly just takes care of me & lets me cry on his shoulder whenever I need to. He seems pretty focused on trying to get me to stay positive about what the next few weeks & months will bring. It's a roller coaster for sure.

I'm glad you're home. I hope you get to feeling better, and that everything will go back to normal without needing anything else.

lisaren · May 2014

mackenziesmama said:
I'm home!! I feel like I've been run over by a bus, but at least I get to sleep in my own bed!

The gif thread definitely put a smile on my face! I appreciate all of the love!!

H is pretty quiet about his feelings with everything, mostly just takes care of me & lets me cry on his shoulder whenever I need to. He seems pretty focused on trying to get me to stay positive about what the next few weeks & months will bring. It's a roller coaster for sure.

I'm glad you're home. When will you know about the next steps?

I read about what you have and holy shit, sounds scary!!!!!!

xo

lisaren · May 2014

Three quote boxes!! Hahahaha dang!

icaughtfire · May 2014

@lisaren -- it's scary stuff, that's for sure. I have a follow up appointment on Wednesday, and then they'll be following my HCG levels down to 0 so I'll have to do weekly blood draws. As long as the HCG goes down & stays down, they'll continue to monitor for a few months to make sure no tumors comes back and we'll be in the clear from there.

If the levels won't go down or if they go up for any reason, this would cause the tumors to come back and chemotherapy would be the treatment at that point. Usually these tumors are benign and can be treated by just removing them & monitoring HCG levels, chemotherapy is pretty much just the worst case scenario. So at this point...we wait & see.

sunflwra · June 2014

Happy Sunday ladies- just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing.

@mackenziesmama - My fingers, toes and everything in between are crossed for you hon- good luck at your appointment on Wednesday, we'll be thinking of you

@aaren91011 - love your keepsake. I found a wonderful shop on Etsy that makes charm bracelets that are really customizable. I got a charm with what would have been my son's birthstone, a pretty heart charm and one of the quote charms like this pic has. It's my favorite quote about what we've gone through "I held you every minute of your life and I'll love you every minute of mine" - it's one of my favorite things.

Personalized Charm Bracelet, Personalized Jewelry, Custom Charm Bracelet, Crystal Charm Bracelet, Custom Quote Bracelet

raelynn71109 · June 2014

@lisaren Thanks for starting this thread and tagging me. I'm usually mobile so I just saw the notification when I logged onto my computer. I've been lurking this board on days when I feel like I can handle it, but don't click on all the threads. Lisa, I love that you will be planting a tree for Brody!

@mackenziesmama‌ I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I hope your HcG goes down quickly and everything is ok!

@Aaren91011‌ I love your necklace!

Ugh, this weekend sucked. At my follow up appointment it was determined I have some retained fluid and "debris" from the D&C. I had to take Cytotec this weekend to help my body get rid of it. Took it Friday night and I was up all night in pain from the cramps. I took Hydrocodone but it didn't really help. Soaked through one pad in two hours and then another pad in an hour. After the second pad I very nearly passed out. Called the on-call doctor and they said that if I soaked through another pad that quickly to go to the ER. Luckily the bleeding slowed down after that. I'm still bleeding, but it's a lot lighter. I go back to my doctor in two weeks to check my HcG levels again. They were at 697 this week. Hoping they go down quickly now.

I am so ready for this to be done so I can move forward. I had this goal that I was going to have a baby before I turn 35. Well, I will be 35 next April and would have to get pregnant in the next 6 weeks. Not looking very likely. I know it's just a number, but it's really frustrating to me. I'm really struggling with not resenting DH because I was ready years ago and waited a long time for him to be ready. I know that's not fair and that I would never want to push him before he was ready, I just wish it had not taken so long.

And can I just say that I hate it when people say "at least you know you can get pregnant." Ummm, the goal isn't to get pregnant; the goal is to have a baby. I am grateful that I am not struggling with IF on top if this, but that doesn't mean that I will get pregnant again so quickly or that, once I do, that I won't lose the next baby too. I am normally a very optimistic person but I have a lot of fears and anxiety about whether or not I will ever have a take home baby.

Ugh, sorry for the long ass vent!

mockingjay1 · June 2014

@raelynn71109 - big hugs to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. FX so hard that your hcg levels go back down so you can start trying again when you are ready.

renbee · June 2014

@mackenziesmama - how are you doing? I have been thinking about you.

@raelynn71109 - I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. It really sucks.

As for me, I haven't been feeling great, and I still haven't gotten my period 45 days after my loss, so I decided to take a test and see if the hormones were out of my system yet. Of course it came up positive. Faint positive, but still positive. Great. So I called my doctor to see what she wanted to do, and she asked me to come in so she could take a beta hcg draw and check my levels. She will recheck in 48 hours as well. I just really hope it's low enough that I don't have to take cytotec again or have a D&C. I just want to feel better and move on from this.

Sarahbeth612 · June 2014

Hugs @raelynn71109

@Aaren91011 ...sorry if this is too personal, but have you been TTC yet? I know a lot of times you can get a false positive from lingering hormones, but this happened to my boss and she was actually pregnant immediately after her D&C. Thinking about you

raelynn71109 · June 2014

((Hugs)) @Aaren91011‌ FX that your numbers drop to zero quickly! Being in limbo sucks.

renbee · June 2014

Sarahbeth612 said:

Hugs @raelynn71109

@Aaren91011 ...sorry if this is too personal, but have you been TTC yet? I know a lot of times you can get a false positive from lingering hormones, but this happened to my boss and she was actually pregnant immediately after her D&C. Thinking about you

It's ok - I'm pretty much an open book! No, it's not possible for me to be pregnant again. DH and I haven't been intimate yet since the m/c. I feel bad but I'm just not ready yet.

Sarahbeth612 · June 2014

Totally understandable. FX things settle down quickly so you can move on.

icaughtfire · June 2014

((HUGS)) to you @raelynn71109‌ & @Aaren91011‌..hoping both of your levels drop quickly! Waiting is the worst.

So I had my follow up appointment today, so far things look good. Had blood work done today to check HCG levels and I'll know the results Friday. Then weekly follow ups until down to 0. I took an HPT this morning and it was barely a squinter so I feel confident they'll be at 0 soon. They want to do an ultrasound in 2 weeks to confirm there are no tumors, if there are I'll start chemotherapy with a GYN oncologist..so fingers crossed.

We got the chromosomal analysis back, which confirmed a partial molar pregnancy. Instead of 2 pairs of 23 chromosomes, there were 3 pairs and then an extra one for chromosome 7. Basically no chance of survival. My doctor recommended genetic counseling for me & H. She said this could be a fluke thing or an issue with one of us. She also wants me to go on birth control for 6 months because she said it's very important I not get pregnant until we confirm this is completely over. I was really hoping the wait would be shorter but I guess it is what it is. I'll spend the next 6 months focusing on eating better, losing some weight & getting myself as healthy as possible.

The chromosomal analysis also confirmed the baby was a boy. I don't know why knowing the sex made me feel a little sadder but I'm kind of feeling some feels.

raelynn71109 · June 2014

@mackenziesmama I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. And I'm sorry to hear that you will be benched for 6 months. That has to be frustrating. FX that everything goes smoothly from here and that there are no tumors at your next ultrasound. Keep us updated!

lisaren · June 2014

Love to @Aaren91011‌ and @mackenziesmama‌ xoxoxo

lisaren · June 2014

We picked this up today, my sweet Brody. I feel so sad, but so blessed to have a little part of him With me now.

lisaren · June 2014

I keep thinking about what I was doing on the 21st. And remembering back, it was the saddest day after the surgery. I think my heart knew

This board has suffered some traumatic losses.
It's not fair. Not to anyone. Love to all.

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