The comfy couch

lisaren

I named this thread the comfy couch, as this thread will be somewhat like the comfy couch you would find in a therapist office.

I thought it would be nice to have a thread for the women who have suffered a loss (at any time, Whether it was a November baby or a baby due at another time) to discuss anything on their mind related to the loss, ttc after the loss, relationships, bring pregnant now, basically a free for all.

I've lurked on the other boards and while I find the information informative, it's not the girls I've created a bond with over the past few months.


I hope this is received well with all the girls on the board and is not perceived as negative or a Debbie downer. Of so let me know.

lisaren

.. And it's quite possible I may talk to myself here. Ha!

Today was my first day back to work since may 6th. It was weird. People were avoiding eye contact.
I yelled at my poor H when I got home because he made hamburgers for dinner and I really wanted pizza. Poor guy just stood there looking confused.
I are the hamburgers, they were actually very good.
We should be getting Brody's remains soon. We're having a tree planted at the family cabin with some of the ashes added.

I don't want to tag everyone I know who has had a loss, and bring them back here if they don't want to come back so hopefully those who do venture here will see this.

Kristy774

I think having the tree planted will be really nice hopefully things at work get better with time. I know personally I have a hard time figuring out what to say to people who have had bad things happen. It's something I struggle with, even on here I have trouble sometimes figuring out what to say. It's a words thing with me because I feel for people so strongly, I just can't articulate it when times are tough. (I don't have that problem when it comes to telling someone to fuck off though haha) I'm better at giving someone a really good hug. I'm glad your hamburgers were good xoxo

lisaren

For me, saying you're sorry is good saying maybe it's for the best, eh not so much. Acknowledging someone when something good or bad happens is extremely important. It validates feelings. (Can you hear my counselor voice coming out hahaha)

colettey_37

I had a loss in Oct at 9 weeks and then my sister had a loss in Dec at 16 weeks. Hers was also a boy, it was a rough couple of months to say the least. We just couldnt believe it would happen to both of us. I am now 17 weeks and its hard to feel excited, i feel a bit detatched as i am afraid of being hurt again. Some sort of way of protecting myself i guess. I wish i could move past those feelings. I hope as i get further along and feel baby kick more i will feel more secure and confident. I think a loss is something that you will never get over, but i firmly believe our little ones are waiting for us in heaven. Our Angels.

jess123456

I love this idea, @lisaren‌! I'm so sorry to hear that people were avoiding eye contact with you at work. In my experience people just don't know what to say but for me saying nothing and avoiding is so much worse.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of guilt for being pregnant with my son because we lost our daughter to a terminal diagnosis in 2012 and four other losses. I guess I feel guilt for allowing myself to even get excited about this sweet boy because he is seemingly healthy and things seem to be progressing as they should. I feel so grateful that we have been blessed with him and of course I know that there are never any guarantees but I feel guilt for my daughter and all the other babies that I never got to take home because they were deserving of a long life just like I hope my son has. Being PGAL is really messing with my head. We haven't even announced yet and I find myself trying to cover up my bump because I am so scared that I will have to untell all over again. The idea of telling people gives me so much anxiety and I put pressure on myself that I can't let everybody down again and have my body fail my babies. Sorry for the rambling. Maybe I do need to make an appointment again with my therapist lol.

MollMoll4

I think this is a great idea Lisa! I spent some time on the loss boards after my miscarriage in November and just couldn't "get into it"... If that makes sense.

@colettey_37‌ I feel the same way! I'm a few weeks past my loss milestone and have seen a healthy and active LO in 3 separate ultrasounds but I am still scared to be that over-the-moon blissfully ignorant happiness that I know I should be!

lisaren

Jess, do you feel that if people know you're pregnant that you will also get unwanted criticism???

I'm actually seeing a maternal behavioral therapist June 11, she specializes in fetal loss and cognitive therapy. More about triggers and how to balance those emotions.

jess123456

lisaren said:

Jess, do you feel that if people know you're pregnant that you will also get unwanted criticism???

I'm actually seeing a maternal behavioral therapist June 11, she specializes in fetal loss and cognitive therapy. More about triggers and how to balance those emotions.

I know my friends and family will be supportive and so very thrilled because this has been such a long road for us and they have been such amazing cheerleaders but I guess I feel like I need to reiterate to them that everything seems to be good. I just feel like the girl that cried wolf ya know? I guess I also don't want to hurt them if things end badly again. I know I'm ridiculous

That's great that you are seeing a therapist! My therapist has a similar background. She has been such a big help and I hope yours is just as helpful!

Jpinky9

My heartaches for everyone who has experienced a loss at any stage. I had a misscarriage in October at 6 weeks, two days before our wedding, it was horrible!! It was an early loss but still hard. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be at a later stage in pregnancy.

My due date would have been June 6th so I find as it gets closer to that date I wonder if I would be having a girl or boy and how I would be feeling and so many other things. I am 17 weeks now and so far things seem to be going well, I have only had one ultra sound at 9w and things were good and we heard the heartbeat several times. Our anatomy scan is June 17 and I am already worried and hoping things are ok! I have a prenatal appointment on Tuesday and I am hoping to get my bloodwork back from my maternal serum testing I had done, and of course worried about that!

DH and I always seem to have bad luck and manage to always end up on the hard road but we are praying for the best! I find it hard to picture what things will be like with the baby here because I am terrified something will happen and we won't get to hold our baby and do all the things we plan to do. But I try and shake that off and think positive!!

You ladies are the best and I am sending everyone lots of hugs!! Sorry this was so long, I didn't realize I was holding so much in!

sunflwra

This is such a great thing @lisaren.  I was able to get such great support from the Loss board when mine was going back last November. It's relatively tough to find info on the web about second tri losses and what delivery is like so those ladies were able to help me so much.  My trouble was realizing how often these terrible things happen and that they truly can happen at any point, so it got tough to be there when we started TTC. I enjoyed the TTCAL board but have shied away from the PGAL board because it seemed to be causing me more anxiety than helping me- I think I just needed some separation from the AL tag.

I'm at an interesting place right now. I was due April 2nd and was thankfully pregnant again at that point which made my missed due date a little less horrible. My work people and our parents know about this pregnancy but I honestly don't think we'll tell anyone else or make some sort of big FB announcement until at least after our anatomy scan, if at all. I'm also not going to lie that I'm really scared, knowing my history of needing to be induced early- if I'm lucky enough to carry this baby to term- I could easily deliver on either the one year anniversary of when we found out we lost the baby or when we delivered him at the hospital.

It just makes me sad that so many things like this happen and make it so that all of these wonderful women can't just enjoy their pregnancy without all of the added worry. I have a huge appreciation for how wonderfully naive I was in my first pregnancy which allowed me to just enjoy all of the excitement. I wish more women that don't have loss history would take advantage of that.

sunflwra

lisaren said:

For me, saying you're sorry is good saying maybe it's for the best, eh not so much. Acknowledging someone when something good or bad happens is extremely important. It validates feelings. (Can you hear my counselor voice coming out hahaha)

Totally agree on this.  I really appreciated the I'm sorrys but the "everything happens for a reason" comments really began to piss me off.  I also made a point of making sure that all of my work people knew that they could tell anyone who asked what happened.  I was quite obviously pregnant when I had my loss and was out for 3.5 weeks, so people noticed.  I honestly wanted to have tell as few people as humanly possible when I got back bc I knew I would break down.  I actually had an executive approach me in an open hallway and tell me how sorry he was and try to chat with me.  As much as I appreciated the sentiment, I felt like I was called out in public and was crying as random people were walking by going to the break room. Not what I was hoping for.  I'm so terrible with words and situations like this with other people but this has sadly made me better.

lisaren

I feel guilty because I would complain about silly things like not able to have a beer or sleeping on tummy. Or my ass. Now I'm like wtf. Stupid
And I feel weird I'm
Missing the intimate connection with my H.

Hugs to everyone. I highly believe in talking things out. Out is better then in. If anything it just allows you to be able to release some feelings that may be surpressed or not even recognized.

MollMoll4

@sunflwra‌ I hate crying at work! That sounds like he was being very kind, but kinda' whiffed the execution!

I'm due 11/16 and my mc last year happened on 11/15... It is a very strange dichotomy to be expecting something so great near such a tough anniversary.

Sarahbeth612

heatherbee710 said:

sunflwra said:

This is such a great thing @lisaren.  I was able to get such great support from the Loss board when mine was going back last November. It's relatively tough to find info on the web about second tri losses and what delivery is like so those ladies were able to help me so much.  My trouble was realizing how often these terrible things happen and that they truly can happen at any point, so it got tough to be there when we started TTC. I enjoyed the TTCAL board but have shied away from the PGAL board because it seemed to be causing me more anxiety than helping me- I think I just needed some separation from the AL tag.

I'm at an interesting place right now. I was due April 2nd and was thankfully pregnant again at that point which made my missed due date a little less horrible. My work people and our parents know about this pregnancy but I honestly don't think we'll tell anyone else or make some sort of big FB announcement until at least after our anatomy scan, if at all. I'm also not going to lie that I'm really scared, knowing my history of needing to be induced early- if I'm lucky enough to carry this baby to term- I could easily deliver on either the one year anniversary of when we found out we lost the baby or when we delivered him at the hospital.

It just makes me sad that so many things like this happen and make it so that all of these wonderful women can't just enjoy their pregnancy without all of the added worry. I have a huge appreciation for how wonderfully naive I was in my first pregnancy which allowed me to just enjoy all of the excitement. I wish more women that don't have loss history would take advantage of that.

This exactly. By this time in my pregnancy with my DS, I had already started stocking up on diapers, making a registry and prepping the nursery. I can't even begin to think about doing any of this, and honestly, I just don't know when I will be ready. It makes me feel guilty - like my hesitance to get more excited is a reflection of how much I love this baby compared to my DS, which I know isn't the case. Pgal brain really shifts how you view pregnancy.

And @lisaren - I think this is a great idea for a thread Hugs to you.

I've had three people I'm somewhat close with get BFPs after my loss.  They would say how excited they were and then in the same breath, "but what if something happens, like with you?" or "I'm going for my 12 week appointment, and that is when you found out, I'm so nervous..."

I feel like I'm this huge warning sign.  Its so irritating to me.  Yes, bad shit happens.  Don't compare your pregnancy to my loss.  DH thinks I'm being sensitive but it happened again today when a friend shared her news with me.  

Maybe I should be happy they can confide in me?  But the best thing about my first pregnancy was the ignorant bliss, like you mentioned.  

On top of that, this would have been the week I was due.  My rational mind knows I still have a (so far, seemingly) healthy baby on the way, but my heart still aches for what would have been  

emoxymoose

I had an 1st tri loss when I was 23 and I have a completely different take on it than most people. I hope I don't upset anyone but this is how I feel.

I've lost memory of most of the details but I remember finding out, going to the doctor, looking at baby things and just being excited. My FI never was, and the night I lost the baby I spent all night in the hospital alone, scared, and upset. I locked myself our room and cried for days. The experience, while stays with me every day of every pregnancy I have, doesn't sadden me.

Losing our baby gave me the strength to cancel all the wedding plans, finish school, meet the love of my life, have have a son that is loved and wanted by his father. I feel guilt because I'm not sad that I lost that baby, it wasn't the right time or person. I feel like I don't deserve more healthy pregnancies because part of me is relieved I didn't have that baby and there are people that would love any baby at all.

MrsC430

I think this is a great idea Lisa. My heart goes out to all of you ladies

One of our IVF attempts resulted in an early m/c. 3 other attempts resulted in BFNs - not technically considered losses (the embryos never implanted) but it was still heartbreaking.

I'm finding it very hard to let my guard down and feel "normal" about this pregnancy after we struggled for years. I fell into a dark place when our treatment kept failing. I think back on Christmas Day of last year, I spent the day fighting back tears and feeling so empty. I thought I'd never get to experience the holidays (or any day really) as a mother.

I feel like I'm rambling. I guess the transition from "your chances of getting/staying pregnant are slim to none" to "you're pregnant...with twins" has been harder than I thought. Trying to let go of the past & find peace of mind in this new chapter.

Nfranco973

I think this is a great idea for a thread. After my loss, it has completely scared me into getting over excited about this pregnancy. I feel guilty because I should be excited but I have been overly anxious and I can't speak to DH about it cause I don't want to scare him as well. I'm trying to put good thoughts in my head but I keep the worry over me like a stormy cloud. Before my loss, this was not a worry because it wasn't a reality. I am sure I am not alone in this. I am glad that I'm here sharing my stories with you ladies who understand and have been through the same.

tigerpawie

Wonderful idea! Looking back, I wish ladies were more open about it. I think that perhaps I would've gone a little less crazy for couple weeks after the loss. (Hormones) I had a loss before my DS. About 10 years ago? I was on clomid and got pregnant on first try. 8weeks, no heartbeat so I needed a D&C. That was hard because clearly this one was wanted. I appreciated my friends who took me out for a pedi. Quite a few co-workers and friends told me intimately that they had a loss or an abortion and how it was hard on them. That helped just to talk about it a bit. Looking back, I should've gone to a counselor. I also gave up on fertility treatment. I decided right there that it wasn't meant to be, cannot afford it, and I needed to accept that I would never be a mother. Perhaps consider adoption when I am more financially stable. I ended up pregnant with DS two months later. Complete surprise! He was born the same month I MC.

Looking back. If I never had the loss, I wouldn't have DS and perhaps DD. It's just weird how life works out. Truly. I still mourn my loss but I value DS & DD so much more because of the loss. It made me grow up, think about life, become more 'me'.

When my friends struggle with infertility and has had MCs. I try to be there for them. Be their 'comfy couch' because it shouldn't be a secret, something you just don't talk about. I feel that if you talk about it and understand loss, you heal from it.

lisaren

Hugs to everyone.

I've always been one to say tell tell tell everyone when you're pregnant. But now... Not so much.
I've had a friend even make a comment this past Friday saying "I would never want another baby. I hope you don't, we're to old" it really irked me. I really wanted to scream to her shut up. What you do with your body is up to you."

How long did you wait after your D&E to be intimate. My discharge papers say 6 weeks but this us generic because I was discharged From the L&D floor.

lisaren

Another question, how important of a role does your thyroid play in your pregnancy??

jess123456

lisaren said:

Another question, how important of a role does your thyroid play in your pregnancy??

I was told to wait to be intimate until my period returned.

Your thyroid plays a huge role. I was diagnosed with thyroid antibodies and a slightly raised TSH so I am now on levothyroxine daily. My RE believes my thyroid issues probably started after one of my losses because it changes your hormone levels among other things. It's easy to get checked for this via a blood test.

lisaren

I have a super yucky thyroid and I'm on synthroid, 150mcg. When I found out I was pregnant with Brody I forgot for almost 2 months to take my medicine. I had my levels drawn about 4 weeks ago and my tsh was high. Then everything happened so never made it to my Endo appt.

I have an appt with him next week, and I plan on discussing everything that happened. I've see him for 6 years but we had always told him we were not ttc, because technically we weren't.

Nfranco973

lisaren said:

Hugs to everyone.

I've always been one to say tell tell tell everyone when you're pregnant. But now... Not so much.
I've had a friend even make a comment this past Friday saying "I would never want another baby. I hope you don't, we're to old" it really irked me. I really wanted to scream to her shut up. What you do with your body is up to you."

How long did you wait after your D&E to be intimate. My discharge papers say 6 weeks but this us generic because I was discharged From the L&D floor.

I agree. I personally don't think thats too old. Mom had me at 42 and my sis at 44. In my clinic group we have three ladies 40, 42, 46 that are becoming first time moms.

jess123456

lisaren said:

I have a super yucky thyroid and I'm on synthroid, 150mcg. When I found out I was pregnant with Brody I forgot for almost 2 months to take my medicine. I had my levels drawn about 4 weeks ago and my tsh was high. Then everything happened so never made it to my Endo appt.

I have an appt with him next week, and I plan on discussing everything that happened. I've see him for 6 years but we had always told him we were not ttc, because technically we weren't.

Your not taking thyroid meds did not cause sweet Brody's diagnosis. I believe there is a relationship between miscarriage and thyroid or that was what was told to me by my doctor.

emoxymoose

With modern medicine I don't think your 40's is too late to ttc. Personally, I think older, more mature women often make better mothers because of their life experiences. As long as a woman feels up to the task and has
lots of love and snuggles to share I say go for it.

Nfranco973

shaddox16 said:

@lisaren‌ thanks!

I'm active on pgal board and it's very helpful but like you said, I feel like I know all you ladies more.

I had a MMC at 10 weeks resulting in a D&C and then a natural/complete mc at home at 7 weeks. I'm doing well overall, but I still get completely terrified of losing this baby. My latest has been a fear of an incompetent cervix due to past D&C which my doc hasn't even mentioned, it's all me. I try to push these thoughts from my head because I know I probably have no control over most things I worry about, but at times it's hard. The doppler has helped me a lot with reassurance due to the MMC. I really can't wait to make it to the a/s and get a good report that baby is healthy.
I haven't bought anything for this baby. I say I'm waiting to know if it's a boy or girl but I know a lot has to do with fear. It's that irrational fear. "If I announce on Facebook, I'll lose the baby" "if I start buying maternity clothes, ill lose the baby" "if I start buying baby items, I'll lose the baby".
Most people I know are aware of my losses. I chose not to keep it a secret due to they were my babies and deserved to be acknowledged. We have a rose bush planted for each and my mom gave us a marker for our garden for each. Most have been supportive but they don't understand why I get scared now. All I hear is "it's going to be fine" and "this baby is healthy". I want to scream at them sometimes and say "how do you know!" It's true, you lose being naive. I KNOW what can go wrong still in this pregnancy and that there could be something wrong with this baby.
Overall, I do try to think positive though. I don't want to miss out on all the excitement of the pregnancy. I want to enjoy every minute. For me, I pray often. It helps with my anxiety and nerves.
Thanks for listening!! Great idea

This is exactly how I'm feeling. Friends have gave me little gifts for this baby and I have them put away in a tote. It's the only thing that I have so far because I'm Afraid to buy stuff and then something happens. I have told my lil sis about my fears ( she's had 2 mc, one at the same exact time of my loss,and has 3 healthy babies) and she said its normal to feel that way because she always has when it comes to being preg.
I'm going to bring myself to buy a few things this week, no big ticket items yet just some baby towels and blankets. Maybe I'll work myself through it a bit.

lisaren

Baby steps. Literally. There's no right or wrong way to do anything. Celebrate your milestones your way.

xo

jess123456

@lisaren A few of the things that we did do after losing our daughter and other babies to trisomies once we decided to try again were: get karotyping on both me and my husband (they look to see if you have any translocations etc. and nothing came up for us... It's a blood test), I took co enzyme q 10 (there is a study out linking it to helping with egg quality but of course it hasn't been proven on humans but I tried it a few months leading up to trying again and then stopped when I got my positive), and we opted for Clomid this time with a trigger shot to boost ovulation because I was always ovulating really late and had a questionable luteal phase length. My RE really wanted us to do IVF for the PGD but it was way out of our budget since my insurance doesn't cover it so we tried Clomid first. I have no idea if any of these things are what helped this time but I was willing to try anything. I remember begging my doctor for us to be able to do anything differently as I was trying to find answers or hope for the future.

Sarahbeth612

@lisaren I was told nothing inside the vagina for 2 weeks, and then ease into it. I couldn't have waited 6.

lisaren

jess123456 said:

@lisaren A few of the things that we did do after losing our daughter and other babies to trisomies once we decided to try again were: get karotyping on both me and my husband (they look to see if you have any translocations etc. and nothing came up for us... It's a blood test), I took co enzyme q 10 (there is a study out linking it to helping with egg quality but of course it hasn't been proven on humans but I tried it a few months leading up to trying again and then stopped when I got my positive), and we opted for Clomid this time with a trigger shot to boost ovulation because I was always ovulating really late and had a questionable luteal phase length. My RE really wanted us to do IVF for the PGD but it was way out of our budget since my insurance doesn't cover it so we tried Clomid first. I have no idea if any of these things are what helped this time but I was willing to try anything. I remember begging my doctor for us to be able to do anything differently as I was trying to find answers or hope for the future.

Ohhhhh, you has a trisomy lost? You prob told me this but lately my memory is horrid.



We used soy isoflavon before kali and it's supposed to be a more natural firm of clomid, but with my thyroid problem taking soy would be a no-no

I've heard of the coenzyme but need to further read about this.

If we decided to mice ahead would we still need to do testing even though we've had children together before?

jess123456

@lisaren Yes we did. We had two confirmed trisomy losses. I think testing is totally a preference and something you can talk with your doctor about further. We don't have any living kids so that's mainly why we did the karotyping and for the peace of mind. It took about three weeks for the results to come back I believe.

I have heard of soy isoflavon but don't know much about it. I was nervous taking Clomid because of the horror stories you hear about the side effects (mood swings etc) but it really wasn't bad at all. I was irritable one day and that was it. I know that some doctors prefer Femera but that's also not natural.

lisaren

Oh wow. Two I'm so sorry. That's so incredibly sad.

sunflwra

heatherbee710 said:

sunflwra said:

It just makes me sad that so many things like this happen and make it so that all of these wonderful women can't just enjoy their pregnancy without all of the added worry. I have a huge appreciation for how wonderfully naive I was in my first pregnancy which allowed me to just enjoy all of the excitement. I wish more women that don't have loss history would take advantage of that.

This exactly. By this time in my pregnancy with my DS, I had already started stocking up on diapers, making a registry and prepping the nursery. I can't even begin to think about doing any of this, and honestly, I just don't know when I will be ready. It makes me feel guilty - like my hesitance to get more excited is a reflection of how much I love this baby compared to my DS, which I know isn't the case. Pgal brain really shifts how you view pregnancy.

And @lisaren - I think this is a great idea for a thread Hugs to you.

@heatherbee710 - I totally get this.  I had a huge box of baby boy clothes that I'd bought. I had a day between when we found out and when I had to check into the hospital, so I took them all back to the store bc I didn't want to have to see them when I came home from the hospital.  I can't imagine how difficult it is for those who have even later losses and have put together a nursery, etc that they have to come home to.  It's just a horrible thing.  We should be getting our Panorama results back this week which means we'll also know if it's a boy or girl. I don't think I'll be able to get excited even then bc I'll still be 6 weeks from my loss time. It just sucks.

shindylahoe

lisaren said:

For me, saying you're sorry is good saying maybe it's for the best, eh not so much. Acknowledging someone when something good or bad happens is extremely important. It validates feelings. (Can you hear my counselor voice coming out hahaha)

there is another mama IRL who I am good friends with. We have had 3 babies all around the same time as each other and were due at the exact same time this time around.

She lost the baby really early on and we talked about it. I told her I was really sorry and was able to connect with her because I had a loss previously as well. She also mentioned that I better let her snuggle my baby.

But since that time I feel like I am a bad reminder any time I see her or her husband.

I don't avoid them but anytime we see each other her husband looks super sad.

I'm not sure if I should keep checking on how she's doing or if that will just bring more pain.

When I had my loss I just wanted people (besides my very very close family) to leave me alone.

Thoughts?

shindylahoe

emoxymoose said:

I had an 1st tri loss when I was 23 and I have a completely different take on it than most people. I hope I don't upset anyone but this is how I feel.

I've lost memory of most of the details but I remember finding out, going to the doctor, looking at baby things and just being excited. My FI never was, and the night I lost the baby I spent all night in the hospital alone, scared, and upset. I locked myself our room and cried for days. The experience, while stays with me every day of every pregnancy I have, doesn't sadden me.

Losing our baby gave me the strength to cancel all the wedding plans, finish school, meet the love of my life, have have a son that is loved and wanted by his father. I feel guilt because I'm not sad that I lost that baby, it wasn't the right time or person. I feel like I don't deserve more healthy pregnancies because part of me is relieved I didn't have that baby and there are people that would love any baby at all.

I think all feelings are valid. In a way I understand because if I had not lost my first baby I never would have had my sweet Elenore or any of my other babies!

There are still times though when the loss takes my breath away. I have the same exact due date as my first loss and I am having a hard time not feeling like I'm going to get bad news at any moment.

sunflwra

shindylahoe said:

For me, saying you're sorry is good saying maybe it's for the best, eh not so much. Acknowledging someone when something good or bad happens is extremely important. It validates feelings. (Can you hear my counselor voice coming out hahaha)

there is another mama IRL who I am good friends with. We have had 3 babies all around the same time as each other and were due at the exact same time this time around. She lost the baby really early on and we talked about it. I told her I was really sorry and was able to connect with her because I had a loss previously as well. She also mentioned that I better let her snuggle my baby. But since that time I feel like I am a bad reminder any time I see her or her husband. I don't avoid them but anytime we see each other her husband looks super sad. I'm not sure if I should keep checking on how she's doing or if that will just bring more pain. When I had my loss I just wanted people (besides my very very close family) to leave me alone. Thoughts?

I was the same way.  I had an especially hard time with my MIL.  She would cry every time DH would talk to her about what was going on and saying how hard it was for them too. She tried to call me a few times right after it happened and I told DH to let her know that I just wasn't ready to talk about it. I was home for about 3 weeks and she literally tried to call me 2-3 times per day.  I just kept hitting ignore.  I know she was trying to empathize but there's no way she could and I just couldn't talk to someone who was going to make it about them.

My loss happened right before Thanksgiving when we meet up annually with my whole side of the family. I wanted to go since I figured it would be a good distraction but I had my mom tell everyone ahead of time that I really didn't want to talk about it and, if I did, I would bring it up to them. It was good to talk it out in certain scenarios but not something I wanted to feel forced to do.

lisaren

I mostly talk to my husband. My friends don't understand. My mom is clueless. I do a lot of writing In a journal also.
Listen to music. Read. But I like that we have each other

sunflwra

aragosta said:

My son was stillborn in Sept at 37 weeks. He got tangled in his umbilical cord and though most babies can survive a nuchal cord, he didn't. I have had a lot of trouble recognizing this baby as not being Lucas. Not to mention, SEVERAL people have commented that maybe this baby is Lucas reincarnated. Which is a mind fuck in itself and totally not something I want this baby to feel about themselves. I guess what I'm struggling with right now is thinking about the nursery. It is literally untouched since we went to the hospital that last day. His name is still on the wall, the dresser is still set up, the crib is ready. It looks like we are just waiting for him. I know we have to go in there soon and start changing things. But I can't even open that door without crying so I have no idea how that is going to happen. I don't trust my gut instincts anymore. Everything feels like an emergency and the end of the world. I wonder if my mothers intuition is broken. /vent - now I can go back and respond to people lol

@aragosta - oh hon- I can't imagine how difficult that step will be and you are such a strong woman having come this far.  Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you through this.

shindylahoe

@excitedpreggo12‌ I'm so sorry. I passed my baby too and no one told me it would happen. I had no idea what to expect and none of my health care providers educated me on what to expect. After that I changed my ob.

I'm glad you have a safe place to share your experience. Thanks @lisaren for opening this up to all losses.

lisaren

I remember when I had a MC at 5 weeks I had the cramps then went to bathroom and passed the product of conception. It was very strange to see it in front of me and like others I flushed it away. Not really understanding what to do with it.

I'm so sorry to everyone in this thread. I do believe that knowing you're not alone does help.
@aragosta‌ love to you my friend.
xoxoxo