- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting
Tessybell2007
member
Ppd /severe anxiety/phobic delusions sorry this is long
Tessybell2007
member
in Parenting
It's been a while since I've posted here. I forgot my password and had to make a new one. I'm happymess15.. Not a frequent poster but I don't know where else to go for support right now.
Over the last year I've dealt with mild depression that I chalked up to just being sad because I miss my family who live 900 miles away. I'm a stay at home mom of 2. Well over the past month things have gotten bad.
We went camping at a cabin a month and a half ago and the last night we were there my Dh woke up with itchy bumps all over this legs and feet. As soon as we got home I washed and dried all of our clothes bags and shoes. I have a tendency towards OCD/sterilizing. I'll also throw into this that when we first moved to this area in the fall we were put into a place that had a serious flea infestation. We have no animals so they fed on my then 8 month old for four days until we demanded the management to cut us a fat check, threw away all of our furniture, and got the heck out of there .. In creeps my phobia....
So as I said-I was back from the camping trip and convinced that we had been exposed to bed bugs at this cabin. My rational mind tells me that we were out drinking beers on the porch late at night...he could have been bitten by anything.
I started obsessively researching these insects and started doing thorough inspections of my apartment. I took all 3 beds apart completely, tore the dust cover from my box spring, literally got inside of it to inspect it, unscrewed every outlet in the apartment to look inside it, took the batting out of the vinyl casing of my daughters bed and picked every piece of lint off it, looked into every screw hole, took the zippered cover off my other daughters bed, inspected her frame, got an encasement for my box spring since I tore it off in my frenzy... Flipped my couch upside down and took off the legs of it, tore the dust cover off the bottom of that:.. Nothing. No bugs, no bug skins, no marks on our bed sheets over the last month and a half, no bug bites on any of us... But I cannot stop this obsessive thinking and fear that they are somewhere. I workout daily, sometimes 2x a day and get the occasional back/chest/face pimple.:. My anxiety and paranoia make me wonder if they're actually bug bites that just don't itch! I've spent hours on a bed bug forum submitting pictures of beetles I've found in my inspecting..even the people on there told me to stop looking!
Yesterday I found a couple brown marks on the wall by an outlet... There are marks all over my wall because these walks scuff super easily.. I still took a pic and submitted it to the forum. I was vowing that this would be my last time on that forum and was sure they would tel me it was nothing like they have multiple times before but low and behold... One guy said it does look like fecal from bed bugs and told me to buy some product through the blog to test it.
And then the real freak out starts. I unscrewed that outlet (not even in my bedroom or near anywhere we sleep) and took the entire thing apart.. Nothing.. I spent the next 4-5 hours on the phone with my mom balling my eyes out while she tried to talk me through my anxiety/panic attack.
This is a dark time for me and I am not used to feeling like this. This phobia/fixation is ruining my life. I haven't ate in days and haven't slept in over a month. I wake up at all times of the night and early morning to search the bed.
I hope and pray this is all nothing and I keep telling my husband I will get better when I realize there are no bugs. But this is very real to me and I hate feeling like this.
On Saturday we are moving to a beautiful townhome (this apartment is a very well run and up kept/upscale place but was just temporary) I should be excited but instead I'm consumed with these dreadful thoughts that we will bring some bugs to our new place...
When I think over the last month and a half I have no real reason to suspect this but that one person on that forum legitimately rocked my world yesterday. It just sucks. My husband is at a loss with what to do... My kids are suffering because their usual fun mom is nowhere to be seen.. And my psyche is seriously messed up.
I seriously can't afford a therapist. If I felt like I was a danger to myself or my family id take action but I don't feel that far gone.
I picked up some SAM-e .. Supposed to be a natural mood enhancer...
Just want things to be normal again
Over the last year I've dealt with mild depression that I chalked up to just being sad because I miss my family who live 900 miles away. I'm a stay at home mom of 2. Well over the past month things have gotten bad.
We went camping at a cabin a month and a half ago and the last night we were there my Dh woke up with itchy bumps all over this legs and feet. As soon as we got home I washed and dried all of our clothes bags and shoes. I have a tendency towards OCD/sterilizing. I'll also throw into this that when we first moved to this area in the fall we were put into a place that had a serious flea infestation. We have no animals so they fed on my then 8 month old for four days until we demanded the management to cut us a fat check, threw away all of our furniture, and got the heck out of there .. In creeps my phobia....
So as I said-I was back from the camping trip and convinced that we had been exposed to bed bugs at this cabin. My rational mind tells me that we were out drinking beers on the porch late at night...he could have been bitten by anything.
I started obsessively researching these insects and started doing thorough inspections of my apartment. I took all 3 beds apart completely, tore the dust cover from my box spring, literally got inside of it to inspect it, unscrewed every outlet in the apartment to look inside it, took the batting out of the vinyl casing of my daughters bed and picked every piece of lint off it, looked into every screw hole, took the zippered cover off my other daughters bed, inspected her frame, got an encasement for my box spring since I tore it off in my frenzy... Flipped my couch upside down and took off the legs of it, tore the dust cover off the bottom of that:.. Nothing. No bugs, no bug skins, no marks on our bed sheets over the last month and a half, no bug bites on any of us... But I cannot stop this obsessive thinking and fear that they are somewhere. I workout daily, sometimes 2x a day and get the occasional back/chest/face pimple.:. My anxiety and paranoia make me wonder if they're actually bug bites that just don't itch! I've spent hours on a bed bug forum submitting pictures of beetles I've found in my inspecting..even the people on there told me to stop looking!
Yesterday I found a couple brown marks on the wall by an outlet... There are marks all over my wall because these walks scuff super easily.. I still took a pic and submitted it to the forum. I was vowing that this would be my last time on that forum and was sure they would tel me it was nothing like they have multiple times before but low and behold... One guy said it does look like fecal from bed bugs and told me to buy some product through the blog to test it.
And then the real freak out starts. I unscrewed that outlet (not even in my bedroom or near anywhere we sleep) and took the entire thing apart.. Nothing.. I spent the next 4-5 hours on the phone with my mom balling my eyes out while she tried to talk me through my anxiety/panic attack.
This is a dark time for me and I am not used to feeling like this. This phobia/fixation is ruining my life. I haven't ate in days and haven't slept in over a month. I wake up at all times of the night and early morning to search the bed.
I hope and pray this is all nothing and I keep telling my husband I will get better when I realize there are no bugs. But this is very real to me and I hate feeling like this.
On Saturday we are moving to a beautiful townhome (this apartment is a very well run and up kept/upscale place but was just temporary) I should be excited but instead I'm consumed with these dreadful thoughts that we will bring some bugs to our new place...
When I think over the last month and a half I have no real reason to suspect this but that one person on that forum legitimately rocked my world yesterday. It just sucks. My husband is at a loss with what to do... My kids are suffering because their usual fun mom is nowhere to be seen.. And my psyche is seriously messed up.
I seriously can't afford a therapist. If I felt like I was a danger to myself or my family id take action but I don't feel that far gone.
I picked up some SAM-e .. Supposed to be a natural mood enhancer...
Just want things to be normal again
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Ppd /severe anxiety/phobic delusions sorry this is long
Please call the HOPE line-1-800-PPD-MOMS (1-800-773-6667).
1800ppdmoms.org
I'm concerned for you and they might be able to help you find some resources.
This feeling of dispair is hard to deal with everyday. My husband doesn't understand and all he can do is tell me over and over that there are no bugs in our house. He is a teacher and deals with stress all day at work and then comes home to a panicked, sleep deprived wife. I'm not as attentive as I should and used to be with my kids and all day everyday I am inspecting things and on constant "watch"... It's just exhausting
I've lost 6 lbs because of constant stomach knots and can barely control my bowels (sorry I know that's tmi)
But that alone makes me realize that this is more serious than what I can mentally handle alone
I was initially self medicating by drinking a few glasses of wine every night because that would atleast allow me to pass out.. But after awhile I realized it was exacerbating the problem. This is my 3rd day with no alcohol and taking the Sam e ... I still feel anxious but the depression isn't as prevalent.
They have social work therapists that do free sessions because they are about to complete their masters etc.
Do you happen to have anything like a women's center you can call.
I think this is very close to an emergency situation for you.
If this is how I react to the suspicion of bed bugs what will I do if we actually had them?? That scares me more than anything
I am so glad to see you seeking help. This is huge of you. I hope that you can get into continuous care to help you through all of this. I wish you the best in your session today and I know you can get through this!
Our Little Raspberry Born 3/27/12
Harry Styles = Life Ruiner
There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
Without you I'll never make it out alive
But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing
It's weird.. I am still scared of bed bugs and have it in my head that they could be here but this medicine isn't allowing me to get panicky.. Even if I try... It's like that part of my brain is off.
I'll be hanging out on these boards a lot more I think, so much support! I thank each and every one of you
I recognize your precious SN from lurking.
Please hang around. So strong of you get help for you and your fam. =D>
I'm so glad you're getting help. Thinking of you!
I know this is the first day of meds and I have to work on getting away from this phobia. I'm counting on time lapsing and the realization that comes with that that would prove to me I don't have bugs. I'm not convinced yet .. Especially since some experts told me that mark looked like fecal. It's like my rational mind is telling me "the walls are all scuffed up in this place every color of the rainbow.. And.. You have two young children who run around with dirty hands, food, toys, etc" but then the paranoid side says "you better check that outlet again and inspect the inside of the couch" which unfortunately is what won over. It's a compulsion that I can't help myself from. I'm so terrified at the thought of bed bugs but these meds are keeping the physical aspects of a manic episode from happening. Which is good! So instead of crying and shaking in the corner I'm sitting on the couch reading the bump and calmly thinking about things..
Seriously though, for a Internet community, you guys are really awesome.